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R E S I L I E N C E Y

I attract contrasting experiences because somewhere deep in my subconscious I absolutely believe I need to – to grow. It’s an unfortunate life-long habit. The details of any particular story are unimportant when you believe in Karmic theory… when you believe humans are inclined to perform cyclically. You can replace individuals in any story with some fictional character that represents their contribution to the narrative.

I don’t like ambiguity, I don’t like details left out, I like to know what’s being discussed. I’m nosey. (Actually I’m not so nosey, more curious: where there is adequate justification. And sometimes there isn’t, sometimes it’s a self defence mechanism – when I’m functioning on a low vibrational frequency. Sometimes it’s jealousy – sometimes it’s concern – sometimes it’s some other emotion I haven’t learnt the word for.)
When I meet a person, if they are special enough to capture my attention – and so seldom is this the case – I like to know how they happened. I am personally attracted to that and those which can convince me – with success – that I have not experienced them before in any shape or form.
I like to understand things/beings – if I perceive them to be special enough I will mentally travel to the ends of the Multiverse in an effort to really understand them. Sometimes I regret this aspect of myself, but I suppose information comes at a price. (Thats really a beauty of retail actually, how you earn a certain amount of money for a certain amount of energy expended determines how you value a price for an item… but when it comes to something like information – which is not material – the notion of the price you may have to pay is quite open to possibility.) And I access more information than anyone else ever has – I assure you – if my intentions are in accordance with the Laws of the Universe.

When one believes (as I do) that the people that come into your life are ‘replacements’ of those you grew up surrounded by, (It’s a concept discussed in counselling therapy but my spiritual education gives the concept a context that better resonates with me) – if your life has made of you, a nature that is bound to character analysis… What childhood experiences are you trying to make sense of by living your life?
In childhood to adolescence to adulthood we essentially become conditioned, we sacrifice our truer natures to adjust – to become acceptable to society – we are forced to succumb to a societal thinking in order to ‘survive’. A quality of human & community and ‘connectivity’ that I am repelled by. I’ve tried being ‘normal’ – I’m not capable of it.

I’m irritated by someone who… people’s chosen guidance systems (such as religion) necessitate that I respect, the hive-mind teaches that this individual is my ‘example’. This individual broke an agreement with me. I’m at a phase of reliving my karma with this person, in a proximity I’ve never before endured. The result of this is the quiet (loud) realisation that they’re a disgusting person. I find them revolting. I can’t find anything compensatory about their difficult qualities – I once got a fortune cookie in a Chinese restaurant in Kent that said a sense of humour makes up for what you’re not… I don’t even find them funny. I find them useless. Expecting of me, something that they’re wrong to.

[I mean.. I’m not trying to give away too much but there’s an excerpt somewhere, in which Germaine Greer confronts the little girl that likes to flirt with her daddy. I’m not, and have never been, that little girl. Actually that became an issue – I spent my life being selectively mute and was thought to be intensely stupid for it.]

I know more than anyone that people demand strange perfection from others – and I am not perfect – but I try my hardest to be imperfect in a way that only really affects me. I have a lot to contribute to others that they’ve never learned to see value in until I was long out of their lives. It sounds stupid to say, but when I studied ballet I was taught that with great skill there must be a sense of effortlessness. This thing/pirouette/leap I’m doing that’s taken intense life-long training? Oh it’s just magic. You have to indicate ‘this is nothing to me’. That is a fundamental aspect of any performative skill. Actually it is something to me. I’m acting like I don’t care, because I know that this person wants to trigger me – I’ve killed any part of myself that cares about my interactions with this person. Consequences, consequences, consequences. The only thing that I value about this person has been revoked and they’re choosing to be deceitful about why. I know why, but they’re playing stupid. So am I.
This is a game I’m good at. If I’m playing against an equal adversary, we both come out nearly dead. Figuratively. The other person is not an equal adversary. They’re the kind of manipulative coward that would hide behind a schoolchild if it would buy them a little time. (But what use is time if you’ve never developed a good use for it?)

I’m thinking of getting one of those ‘sayings’ posters – that a Man is Only as Good as His Word. I could fill everything in, with every specific detail that you could ever want, but I don’t think I need to. I think this is some story you’ve experienced too.

[“As I said before – an eye for an eye. I’m a lot stronger than I look, you know.” – L, Deathnote]

Anyway.

I’ve been reorganising my bedroom and I absolutely adore it… I have an eye for colour… & detail. I’m exploring textures & introducing a new colour palette into my life. There’s beauty in every corner, almost!

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I’m currently taking a break from tidying; which has been a real-life tetris game – I’ve been shifting furniture from one side to the other in increments, hoovering the tiny empty space and then dettol-blasting the germs. Any worth-while process – with guaranteed fabulous results – is gradual.

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Patience is a virtue and uh. I’m not especially virtuous.

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Blogging again (I’ve been on and off blogging and documenting my life for years although I stopped for quite some time..) has proven to be a really important and cathartic means of documenting my adventure in living a life in accord with the Laws of Attraction.

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My bedroom is a good size for me – at present. I found a ‘handyman’ on Gumtree for a very reasonable price – who will be helping me dismantle my sister’s left over furniture & assembling my new bed. I’m excited for Monday!

I’ve always been taught that your bedroom is a reflection of your mind – which might be why I felt so out of sorts in my room in Copenhagen. Which was beautiful – but had a strong sense of ‘temporary’ about it. It was a good place to begin a healing process I think.

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I’m listening to Death Note on YouTube right now. I’m on episode fourteen. I’m trying to teach myself not to hate Misa, trying to acknowledge some hidden intelligence in her. I’ve always identified as L, who is an interesting contrast to me personally. I would never work with the Police, I find them inherently corrupt. It’s actually depicted in the show itself – L is also corrupt, something indicated by his treatment of Misa – & the police condone it. Iunno, most people are too stupid to read into any narrative so even if I wanted to talk to people about the shows I liked I would probably end up rolling my eyes (I’m infantile like that, it’s a flaw that I *love*)
A friend – a fan of the series – years ago observed that L and I both ‘sit’ the same and have a penchant for sweet things. I’ve been having a savoury phase lately though.

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[I’m now on episode fifteen!]

For most people, days pass in 24 hours.

[An ex of mine once told me about how these geniuses would explore with sleeping patterns – instead of sleeping through the night they would take naps every few hours & in doing so I suppose they could experience the energy of the varying times of the day?  The conversation related to productivity, it took place so many years ago now. 
At the time I was recovering from a break up and I’d spent many, many months asleep. I was authoring a fairytale that merged the mythologies of various geographies – I got to 14k words and stopped – and the fairy tale was lost years later. I know I have a better version of it in my mind.]

For me – a day can last for weeks.

I like sleeping late at night and waking up early in the morning. I actually started this to-do list yesterday. I wish the ‘Notes’ section on apple products was true to time.

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Uncategorized

F A R M A C Y G R E E N

So, years ago right – I had this ex I dated for a pretty long time. He was half Egyptian and half Irish. What a mix. An Aquarius.. they’re emotional rollercoasters (he was an emotional intensity that has remained incomparable to any other relationship I’ve ever had. Maybe. Not really. I had a thing with an anonymous hacker & that was fucked up/awesome), they’re blunt, they’re fabulously weird, tremendously funny, phenomenally terrible at monogamy and can even be pathological liars. But you don’t mind because they’re brilliant – total geniuses. At least thats how I remember him.
He got clever without ever having had the internet. He was the kid that bunked off school. He smoked a lot of weed. I think I was the first person that ever managed to force him to read a book or imagine that he could draw. Now he reads a lot more than I do. And he draws better than I can too.


We used to hang out in Camden, back when there were punks on the bridge. I think to an extent that a lot of the people that used to visit were kind of there for him. He had an ex girlfriend he met before me who looked like a punk-rock Kate Moss. Like, she looked exactly like her. But uh. Much scarier. She was his bestfriends younger sister. Iunno – we were all part of this social group that I was pretty detached from. But I remember he had particular friends in the National Front who used to call him things like “half breed”. I think this ex girlfriend of his used to engage with that, not because it was a political belief but really an aesthetic one. He always wondered why I hated his friends/hate most people, actually. He loved bands like Tool (Who really made an aesthetic of ‘Spiritual’ Art by the way. Maynard James Keenan – look him up – affiliated with David Bowie, all sorts of greats.) MJK’s other band, A Perfect Circle, made a song for the Constantine movie and it really felt to us that this film: based on Ahmed’s favourite comic, Hellblazer… was a gift for him. And me, cos I was OBSESSED with Keanu Reeves. Anyway.. I manipulated this boyfriend into going to University. He studied Animatronics. We used to make stop motion animations together with the camera I bought back when I wanted to direct erotica. Fast forward many many many years and ego deaths later…


Abraham Hicks says that when you want to create something big, it’s important to start by creating things that don’t matter. I started with a tumblr for my ‘digital ephemera’.

A friend of mine, who studied Animation & my incomplete MA degree in Advertising & Branding (I left because being copied and not credited for expended creative energy used to make me SICK) inspired me to seek out some animation work for companies I thought were poorly represented on Social Media. I initially contacted Dum Dum Donuts and had some to-and-fro chats that never went anywhere. I made them these little pieces, amongst many more.

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I then investigated around for some ethical food companies and I found one. I passed these examples of my work along & we got in touch and met up, awhile ago now.

I came up with some – preliminary – early stage- animated mockups intended for the social media of a beautiful, ethical restaurant I later found out was owned by the daughter of a truly wonderful man, that gave me my dog Tintin. My most precious friend. I don’t think she ever saw my work, but I was deeply inspired by the details of their food & interior design, which were inspired by sacred truth & the sacred art of my very favourite pantheon depicting the varying forms of creative energy. If you’re ever in Notting Hill I strongly advise you to visit, and do try their tea.
My eye for detail & my penchant for finding deeper meaning had me deeply impressed by the low-key food temple for the Gods. I’m not vegan myself, for health reasons – not eating meat makes me really unwell actually – but I admire the lifestyle of a person who chooses not to consume animals or animal products. I hope that lab-grown meat becomes available in grocery stores and restaurants soon.

 

 

 

They decided against using the animations, or atleast I imagine so because I never received a response – although I know the work was viewed. Recently the Farmacy Instagram featured a little animation that somewhat reminded me of the work I did for Dum Dum ❤ I am honoured to have been a part of this co-creation. I personally prefer your original logo, and powerful branding concepts, however.

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Powerful stuff.

Screen shots taken from >> Here <<


My older sister recently visited Turkey and she came across a little calf that was being prepared for slaughter. She wanted to buy the calf and save it but she’s not the kind of person that does things on impulse, she deliberates and then acts. We discussed what she might call the calf and she told me that she wanted to call the calf “Bouja”… I asked her what the name meant but she didn’t respond. She was unfortunately too late to save the calf. Some part of me is sure that the calf was telepathically telling her that he was about to become stew.


When I was very miserable, some years ago: I once took my little dog through a park in Farnham and found telephone wires. I visualised all my internalised negative energy coming out of my body in the form of lots of holographic animals: walking along those wires. The news was insane that week. I have always thought that emotions impact the Planet’s state. I agree that what you consume becomes you. If you are adept at manipulating energy – and <humble brag> I am </humble brag>  – consuming the pain and suffering of an animal can be used for greater good. I am not justifying the suffering of other living things – I don’t condone it, but if anyone ever ’embodied’ the energy of revenge, it me


I met a guy awhile ago that I had had a crush on for about eight years. I told him I wasn’t very good at anything really, that the only thing I was “good” at was emotional intelligence. I understood that he and his friends must’ve found that quite amusing – actually most things I say and do are initially amusing to people until they realise I was saying or doing something that was really quite profound. I’m not a person that hangs around in any place for long, and I’m not the kind of person people forget meeting. If you’ve ever met me, think yourself lucky. Not much gets me out of the house.

Gaia recently released this little facebook video about emotional intelligence. Not too long after my then-crush and his friends made fun of me for not being good at much. (I know because one of my then-crush’s friends repeated my words to me, replacing ’emotional intelligence’ with ‘sex’.) I can’t clarify whether or not that friend of his was good-at-sex because he wasn’t very good at gett-ing-sex.


If something happens to someone once, it’s happened a million times. Things change depending on how you approach them.
I’ve got a lot of little things going right now – people ask though, why I don’t utilise my education through working… it’s because I like to get paid without getting fucked