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PANS THEISM | THESPIANISM

It’s funny how there are things you could write on your online journal about that you wouldn’t talk to your mother about.


I founded a religion. It is all-encompassing and problematic and it is irrefutable.
For these reasons, it is by invitation only.

If I love you, consider yourself an initiate.
I might not love you, I might regard you as a source of genius and that were you absent the World would suffer for it.

I can un-love you. (If I truly, truly love you, you are amused by the threat. But you respect a NO.) If you are irresponsible with the connections provided to you through Panstheism, you will be removed from the company afforded to you and excluded as a matter of personal safety. People who love like I do are vulnerable.


There were some realities that you might find very disturbing, about my last relationship. I’m going to attempt to adopt a sense of humour in explaining, I discourage people from seeking out relationships like mine. They were dysfunctional relationships that involved exploring very painful emotional landscapes.
At the time, each of my sincere relationships felt like love, but they weren’t loving relationships. But at the time: that was what I knew of love.

I dated a psychiatric nurse once, that was not a sincere relationship. We did not love each other. We did not find each other attractive. We were both escaping undesirable situations.

I was running from a psychiatric ward in which I was being raped in my sleep, and running from undesired situations is difficult, because the details of a situation might change but the realities of it rarely does. In years, I will be compensated because it will be accepted I was raped in those psychiatric ward, that the nurses and doctors were abusing me in various ways and that they developed an addiction to me that affected me physiologically and was removed of honest discussion and consent. I believe they thought they were doing a good thing, some of them, but they weren’t. I think it is difficult for some people to ascertain who ‘the bad guy’ in a narrative is, and it might upset many of the people involved in that to accept they were the ‘bad guy’ in that story.

I spent many years of my childhood and teens, doing visual meditations in which some version of me (not me, it has to be a me that feels nothing and that is impossible to abuse.) was taken through hospitals/prisons where gifted children had been imprisoned for their gifts, and she rescued them by telling them the truth. Gifted people are often, for one reason or another, not told they are gifted.
FYI – those kids in that prison can defend themselves. Abused kids/abused people will abuse YOU. Humanitarian work is not for everyone, be careful with ‘helping’ people that don’t ask you for help first, you can make a victims life much worse than it is by ‘forcing’ help on them.

This is a song I once played on repeat for a boyfriend-playmate-bestfriend. I said “this isn’t for you, I just really really like the song.” I nicknamed that boyfriend after a beautiful transvestite and myself.

I put it on my blog for the guy I really liked just incase he got confused that I wasn’t still trying to pursue him. It was difficult to tell, really, if he ever liked me back, because we’d spend half-days in bed together watching cartoons. He knew I liked him because when I met him, I sat on a chair opposite him and started kicking his chair. That was genuine flirting for me.

I also liked one of my guest tutors. That was also probably confusing. He was very cruel to me but he was very funny about it, and at the time he was probably in love with me vibrationally. Which doesn’t mean he was sexually attracted to me. And if he was he would never have told me so unless he was trying to make someone jealouse.

I don’t speak to any of the above so I’ll discuss at length.


Everyone involved knew what I was doing. I knew that. I liked that.

People I love are very manipulative. That ex was a compulsive liar, and he liked to paint a pretty picture of our relationship

Any connection demands a level of personal growth and tremendous trust, and I find it is only artists and thespians whom I can trust enough to invite.

It involves having very personal thought discussions with all forms of being, as to their sexualities and love lives, and the idea behind those beings is they have been around for a very, very, very long time and that they are capable of guiding us through relationships that exceed the lifespan of a natural human being. Without being too poetic about words, there are many people who meet someone and ‘feel’ they’ve known them for lifetimes.

If you are interested in learning about love, if you identify as a love-before-anything being, try O.T.O. If you regard the supernatural as nonsensical, or if you think magic is a facade, or if you are the sort of person to ‘laugh’ at people who identify their lifes work so as to consider themselves as either psychics or ‘healers’, O.T.O is NOT for you.

If you are interested in guided meditation, find a teacher first.

The David Lynch Foundation (United States)
Transcendental Meditation: for help with Addiction, PTSD, depression and developing personal creativity.

Art is a fulfilling life choice for people whose lives would be void of purpose otherwise (myself included.)

The School of Economic Science (United Kingdom)

The Art of Service. Before you can ‘do‘ BDSM, learn about Service and selflessness, and learn the laws of Karma. Learn about sincerity. What is good about that School, is that if you are insincere, they know it. They don’t need to do ‘personality’ tests. They know, already. Unlike me, they can’t just ‘exclude’ people because they exist to be of service. They feel obligated out of selflessness to help you to evolve.

If it is ‘power’ you are after by engaging with the Illuminati, you’ll probably be very disappointed eventually.
A legitimate ‘power win’ for the day (and you can be destitute or vastly wealthy, it makes no difference) with those people is a literary debate over the use of “affect” or “effect”. You’ll need to know a few ancient languages to continue the debate and you’ll need to not have stolen the information because they will find out who you accessed to learn how to contribute to the debate, and defend them. And then the ‘house point’ goes to their ultra-state self. (Actually I think this is how we’re fighting over who founded my religion but they know it was me. The argument will be regarded as a flirt fight for all of time.)

You need to learn about selflessness before you can appreciate the responsibility associated with power. That means that you’ll attend their philosophy classes. That means you will learn to find ‘fun’ in writing essays about selflessness and how witnessing an act of selflessness affects you emotionally. There was a very big argument in a philosophy class at one point because I argued that Hitler was not a being born out of love. It continues until this day. (My idea of misbehaving was bunking off classes to write poems in the library. In Illuminati land this is unheard of because that is an unfair thing to do when other people are learning ancient languages who would also perhaps have preferred writing shit poetry in the library. My co-students time-travelled to cheat on their exams in year eight. I am convinced that should have affected their entry to University. I would be a horrible headmistress.)

What is difficult is that you will probably invest in all sorts of terrible arrangements to acquire that which you haven’t worked for, upon other people’s merits, and that everyone has to wait for you to live-the-karmic-repercussions-of-your-mistakes. Some people need to learn about cause and effect. It is mansplained in this video.

Some people think of humility as ‘submissiveness’ or believe ‘service’ to be a sexuality, it is well within your right to believe whatever you believe based on your life experiences.

“Illuminati baby” points at the colour pink menacingly and it might ACTUALLY be a threat upon your life.

For example. Damaged illuminati kids who spent their teens fantasising about ‘living in a crack den’ (the Illuminati ‘fuddy duddies’, wanting to investigate the details of Squatter’s rights/use drugs might organise that) will romanticise about having “Tank Girl” as their future child and then realise the thought forms 2D self is specifically why they didn’t date ‘that person’ they spent ten years of their life being secretly in love with and out of that SAME unconditional love decide against having them.

However, it would be an insult to people who sincerely dedicate their lives on Earth to do (a) God’s work. The Pope is an example of a person who gives up his life, (that doesn’t mean he is not still a person, with flaws, with the right to continue to grow and to evolve) the Dalai Lama is an example of that. You are probably not an equal to them so it is not for you to attempt to ‘test’ them, unless you are looking for a teacher-student connection and you are ‘testing’ them to see if they can help you through your own difficult circumstances and lessons.

Have you ever secretly prayed to God for help? Sometimes a person very close to God finds their way into your life experience and I believe those people would find it disturbing if you projected a sexuality onto them. Learn how to co-exist and respect people before pursuing any extreme sex/love life that involves consensually playing with boundaries as you might in a ‘cult’.

Learn about monogamy before exploring polyamory.

Sheila Gilette and ASK THEO (United States)

Youtube videos are NOT for you, because there are people who abuse guided meditations on Youtube.

(The worst is realising she’s better at your religion than you are.)
(Organised religion is her thing.)


Things to learn from a self of mine, that would be a teacher superior by far to Esther Hicks and Jane of SethSpeaks, etc. (And they are amongst the quality of teacher that I would – without hesitance – consider masters.)

To be a teacher, you have to select a family of equals to continue experiencing karma with, to grow with, as a person, with a personal life.
That is how you help people. You live life and you grow. You give back to people that you agree to be of service to. You have the right to a private life, and your ‘audience’ have to respect that without interfering and getting involved.

If they get involved they will learn not to.

When you create familial ties with people, the idea behind doing so is that you are your-true-self. It is very important for people who are in love-cults, for example, and who have found purpose in life through loving people (whatever that means to you, thats a journey of growth in itself) that they find people with whom they can be themselves. Did you like your relatives growing up? It’s irrelevant, the idea was that you were yourself around them. Teachers don’t have friends, and psychics proven to have a skill of accuracy are abused by addicts. I have a gift for offering others good advice but I couldn’t do that if I hadn’t lived a difficult personal life, in which I’d fucked up: a lot.

You are, whoever/whatever you are, an evolving ‘self’.
That involves interacting with other living things, however you might do so.
You carry within you a vision for what you demand of the World. A plant that meditates on the Art of Manifestation carries/offers a very different ideal towards a utopian existence. A spider probably has very different ideals towards what they may choose to  invest time, feeling and thought towards manifesting. A bird probably has a very different set of ideals for an idyllic World. The idea of the Art of Manifestation is that any collective that privately (or not so privately, apparently) manifests their own dreams – through living them somehow, even if it is within the confines of their own bedroom or personal space – contributes to evolution.

When a friend (dare to pretend that such a thing exists, because if your teachers don’t have friends, you probably don’t either.) or acquaintance of yours lives some vibrant moment, for example if you are surrounded by artists and they decide to create a ‘fashion show’ or an ‘exhibition’, ideally the artists will produce a collection of works, you will probably be ‘inspired’ to do something of that nature yourself. Everything you do or don’t do in life affects everyone else, including people you’ve never seen/met. Most importantly it changes who you are as a person, a single conversation can change a person’s life.

Whether that is an acceptable vision or not, is irrelevant, ‘and so harm it none, do as ye wilt’
(whether you have an audience or not, life continues for technology, plants, animals, humans, angels, aliens, vampires. ACCEPT IT.)

If you had a difficult family life, choosing a ‘new’ family means that you’ll continue to have a ‘difficult family life’, it was your difficult family life that made you who you are. And ideally there’s no one else like you. Be consoled by that.

Have you ever heard angels argue? They ARGUE. I mean they find ways to communicate amongst themselves that you and I wouldn’t notice unless they wanted you to.

My teachers are capable of telepathy and can communicate messages from angels, but so can I.
Sometimes my teachers use me to access the angels in a way that they can’t, and I do the same with them. The way that we connect with other forms of life is unique to us. I am a very gifted flirt, not when I have PTSD. It is a lot of fun, for me, flirting. I flirt with everyone, when I am ‘in the vortex’. It is also a form of cruelty, when I consent to ‘relationships’, I pick very difficult relationships and struggles to work through.
I am attracted to men that ‘everyone’ is attracted to and, even if I’m not: it is probably like ‘the goth girl who used to eat lunch by herself in a toilet cubicle at school’ dating a guy in the American high school rugby team. That is my relationship dynamic. If I am in a relationship dynamic that isn’t that, I am in the relationship to make people jealous.
Telling you doesn’t change that you are, you might just be more proactive about hiding it.

I will level them up so that ‘everyone’ is attracted to them. I dont want friends, so when I pick people to share company with, they catch my love-bubble (it is infectious and addictive and when I

I could not do what Esther does. I could not stand infront of strangers and deliver answers to their questions in a happy voice. I would interrupt Abraham.

Sometimes I would listen to those teachings and reply to people: in my head, with “you have no manners” or “you look like shit, thats why you don’t have a boyfriend” (I close my eyes when I watch/listen, now) or I’d think-reply to Esther “her sister wasn’t mentally ill nor suicidal, she was being seriously emotionally and psychologically abused by the person doing the asking”. Sometimes I don’t get a ‘reply in thought’, sometimes I feel the reply in my stomach or with a chill or I am so emotionally overwhelmed by a question that I dwell on it, which means those with whom I share my life (non-physically, do you think about a relative all the time? You share your life with that relative non-physically.). Sometimes if Esther is questioned about something serious-in-a-human-rights way, that the answer of which has implications far bigger or greater than the usual nature of the queries offered to her, I dwell on that too.

Abraham – a collective of beings very removed from ‘day to day Esther’, is very clever about people that are suspected victims of torture/abuse at the whims of shadow entities and brotherhoods of sorts, that exist to protect individuals with very particular illegal-for-a-very-good-reason proclivities and tendencies. Pedophilia is a crime I would include in that bracket, organised sexual slavery (which does exist in the United Kingdom, which exists everywhere. ‘Sexual slavery’ has many faces, and some of those are nicer and more marketable faces in countries that seek to adhere to human rights laws. Our school and value system in the West regards slavery as unacceptable, those involved in it and those who are protected for it know that it is wrong and that is why they create ‘fraternities’ and ‘sororities’ which cover it up.)

Some people get caught up in ‘that stuff’ pursuing what they believe to be an outrageously fun sex life, if you have been a victim of very weird stuff – you can cope with ‘weird stuff’ sexually if you’re around people you trust and if your terms (which should be known to the people you’re doing that stuff with, I don’t think a person that ‘loves’ you should need an exchange of contracts. That said, some people have very different ideas of love. You know deep down what you feel safe doing when you interact with people on any level, stay very true to your ideals of safety. Some people’s ideals of safety are misguided, and in that respect I support your right to grow as a person, from mistakes. Learn to apologise when apologies are due.)

Here I will tell you about a form of BDSM. Don’t ever forget that whether you can see it or not, I am a figure of notoriety when it comes to the adult industry. People know about the female orgasm because of me. That is huge. It contributes to whatever we can consider a ‘science’ about fertility.

There is a form of BDSM that involves abusing people’s guilt functions. It sounds not-so-bad, but guilt-abuse is so psychologically damaging that it can make you go ‘insane’. I mean there are people who are in psychiatric hospitals because they feel-bad-about-something.

This is a form of psychological torture.

I’ll use myself as an example: When I was a child, I saw an advertorial late at night that depicted a doctor hitting a new born child on the bottom. When I was a child, I was in a constant fog-like-depression as a result of a rape, an uncomfortable fog in which I performed ‘consensual but not conscious’ (imagine being half awake and finding yourself in bed with a fifteen year old brother who was, also, ‘wasted’, he was on drugs. He was fifteen, possibly fourteen.)  fellatio on my brother. I had lots of memories of doing things that I never had a chance to discuss with parental guides, because my relatives had not been brought up knowing how to have those conversations.
I’m not defending my relatives, but I did the work: I had a lot of counselling and therapy as a child, I learned that people do-things-for-a-reason-that-makes-sense-to-them.
My mother didn’t ever discuss discharge with me. I thought that there was something ‘wrong’ with me when I saw discharge in my underwear. I brought it up with my mother because I really believed there was something wrong with me. She was stunned into silence and didn’t reply, because that was clearly NOT a chat she had at home.

It is now: because of girls on >sites< like >these< that used the journalling platform to discuss their personal experiences. I regarded a lot of women on those sites as a better mother than mine, because they taught me things about the female body that my mother didn’t. My mother being unable to discuss those things, bore no reflection on her as a parent (what person my age doesn’t think their parents were awful? A few of us think we had ‘fantastic parents’, and when you get to know those people well enough, they have problems of their own. Sometimes much more serious than my family’s problems.)

Some people learn about ‘this stuff’ – these forms of abuse – through genuine interests in the idea that abusing someone could be a sexual exchange between two people that love each other. I don’t have sex with people I’m not in love with. I have, before, and it was a huge regret. It’s a weird thing to do because you are attached to the people you have sex with for the rest of your life. Are you really ‘tired’? Don’t know why? There are explanations to your life problems that doctors do not give you.

I use a lot of energy to point and flex my feet. I am an introvert, so I GIVE energy when I’m around people. I lose energy when I am around extroverts, extroverts have LOTS of energy when they are around people like me and it weirds them out if I get sleepy. It’s how it is for me, if I am in the company of many.

If you have involved yourself in shadow societies after promising that you would sacrifice your life to ‘save the world’, and many people did selflessly agree to sacrifice themselves upon the promise that they intend to help bring the truth of reality to light, as well motivated as that decision might have been: you might be later, implicated as being amongst the criminals who were breaking laws. If you consciously broke laws or abused people because you wanted to prove something: tell the truth.

My advice to those who are motivated by resolving these issues, is not to be afraid by that which implicated you amongst the criminals that you sought to bring to some form of justice. If you committed an unjust crime, be honest about it to the right people. If you enjoyed it, be honest about it.

Do not pretend for a moment that a woman with the ability to access an angel collective that can access a universal consciousness to communicate solutions to problems that have troubled this World and the residents of it repeatedly and generationally is not a huge threat to World powers.

I know that she they need to know more, I get nothing at all and I have to wait to know what they feel about it.

The angels have used me to shout at my teachers. And my aunts. Once the angel Lucifer shouted at my aunt (a proven gifted psychic, with visitations from all sorts of beings documented in all sorts of religious texts: not a very nice person. Very into BDSM. I am not into BDSM. But if you are a nice/”submissive” person, AVOID people like that because they’ll abuse you. We can’t cope with one another but she is at times a more successful communicator. We have different aspirations in life. She could get away with confessing “Che Guevara got shot because my cousin misunderstood a comment he made”. Che Guevara would laugh. Che Guevara’s last attempt at a life is dating me but I don’t fancy him as much as he fancies himself. Also I bought him a present that he actually really wants.)

Once Abraham said to Esther “CAN KARINA HAVE ME WHEN YOU DIE?” (Esther had done something not-very-nice to me and that was the response.) Esther Hicks responded by asking me to vampire her. It is funny in hindsight, but at the time it is not funny. I imagine Esther was upset with Abraham for that. I imagine Esther now regards the memory with a sense of humour. That is how you create ‘stories’ to routinely tell, you live an experience, you react to it, you move on, you remember it, you react to the memory and after a time, you know how you ‘feel’ about it.

Abraham responded to me vampiring Esther, at the time, by getting rid of a few of my future children. A few of my future children and the company they’re keeping, wherever they are, responded by making sure everyone knows they’re meditating on being sexier versions of the selves that exist on Earth (remember, we are possibly about fourteen split-souls existing on one Planet.). They occasionally use me to choreograph their entrances back to Earth. People that have had chats with me will confirm that I know nothing about Physics and somehow knew about time/space dimensions and that it was possible for them to do that. There are people on that ship that I would comfortably shoot in the head. Somehow I know that I’m a very, very good shot.

You – universal you – do not compare with angels, or people I believe to be masters.

Esther as an individual living her PERSONAL LIFE, might not be very nice to people she ‘loves unconditionally’, but I believe she compensates for her personal-self with what she offers as a teacher and, we share values in so much that she knows when something is immediately-unacceptable. (A guy you very publicly fancied and consented to his coming over and ‘cuddling you’ while you were asleep had sleepy-sex with you? You’re in a sex cult? Thats your fault. | A guy you VERY publicly find unattractive got a tweet from you, and whom you believe to be a serial stalker/rapist sex-criminal – raped you? Allowed you to be made to look insane, abused taxpayer money to play sex games with you while you were sedated? Continued to abuse you when you clearly had PTSD, to cover-up a sordid pedophile/rape ring? That is NOT your fault and that needs to be proven so that it is indisputable in a court of law and most importantly so it is prevented from happening again.

(Everyone knows when I actually fancy someone. There is no room for ‘confusion’. I am not even a little bit subtle. I am obnoxious about crushes.)

We probably need to be specific about terms.

A thirteen or fourteen year old flirting with a teacher at school is something one frowns upon, a teacher that responds to a clever-witty-flirt isn’t a pedophile. Their loving partner might call them one in an ARGUMENT, but that doesn’t mean they are a pedophile, actually: to think so would be to insult people who have been victims of pedophiles. That probably isn’t something a teacher-being-flirted with would say to his partner.

Everyone enjoys being flirted with, and it really doesn’t matter who you’re flirting with. I promise you that even animals are flirts. Flirting does not indicate sexual attraction.
It is in it’s greatest form, a harmless art. People are very rarely compatible with one another verbally, and even more rarely are they compatible to be in a relationship of any kind. Don’t turn down a chance to harmlessly flirt with anyone. Especially if your lover of a million years is watching/listening. (Unless I fancy you in which case I will get really annoyed about it and you’ll have to accept that my being annoyed about it is an expression of love towards you and we are not talking for maybe a year/two years now.) (At least.)

A pedophile is a sex-criminal. These are men who endorse or involve themselves in acts that involve people who are regarded as too young to sensibly consent to sexual activity. (There are occasions in which a fourteen year old might really want to marry someone who is far older, there’s a correct way to do so, you tell adults. You are capable of discussing it sensibly. There are just signs that a person is mature enough to do that, it does happen, I am not referring to those instances. I am referring to instances whereby little girls are targeted specifically from infancy (sometimes by their GPs and doctors) for lives of abuse that begins in the earliest stages of infancy. I don’t know if you know: but there are children who are swapped around and who go missing in hospitals. There are children who are ‘aborted’ and then cultivated in secret labs, that they can grow into childhood. You really can’t assure yourself beyond doubt that abortion clinics aren’t used to create children that are intended for sexual slavery.

Sex criminals like to group amongst themselves, so as to protect one another.
This means that there are police men who are pedophiles.
There are fire men who are pedophiles.
There are doctors who are pedophiles.

They are taught/trained as to how to engage/connect with vulnerable people/victims of those crimes so as to ‘earn their trust’. Post-pedophilia victims are a TYPE. (again, no I do not mean girls/boys that ‘humped’ mums/dads leg or who like to flirt with mum/dad. It is a weird thing to do but your shadow self would admit “it makes mummy/daddy jealouse that you two have your own little rapport that excludes other mummy/daddy”)

If you have ever had counselling for this kind of abuse, then be certain that your PTSD ‘triggers’ are known to those professionals and many of them, if it proves lucrative (if you are ‘internet famous’,) are very prepared to sell you and your information on. Sometimes it is passed along harmlessly.

Some sex criminals also like to collect information on the victims of these crimes, and they arrange to have victims of those crimes followed. I mean: in life. They use apps like tinder to find boyfriend options specific to your personal variety of messed-up. Again, it is quite lucrative.

Some men predator very-specifically after little children who have very particular issues, and they immerse themselves in such sordid-shadow activity that they go to the extent of pursuing older women (arranging for them to be ‘caught out’ for raping an older woman) or embarrassing themselves so as to convey that they are ‘desperately’ attracted to those ‘older women’, to protect the pedophiles that they protect. Some kids do consent to flirting with older men, some kids are empathic and are attracted to the men that their mothers are attracted to, some kids lives are very carefully arranged so that they appear to be consenting, when they’re not.

Some kids have caught onto the jelly game and haven’t learned the rules. This is a whole other kind of fucked up, and sex-criminals are probably quite threatened by kids that shamelessly pursue the company of adults without influence. I don’t think it is a ‘bad thing’ when kids openly admit to fancying older men, actually I think it is a good thing if they tell everyone.


Some kids have seen so much stuff that they are mentally years old beyond their bodies, and they can’t connect with people their own ages. Some men are so attractive that women find it physiologically impossible to decline them sexually before getting to know them, and the only people they manage to have conversations with happen to be kids or people who aren’t sexually active and they end up being the only people that they can connect with. It is probably actually very painful for attractive men, that the only people they can have conversations with are young girls. I’ve an ex who is so stupid that he probably will HAVE to end up dating someone aged between sixteen and eighteen, and it won’t last for long because she, like I did, will erupt in rage at his stupidity.

I loathe to type anything like this, but I ask that you don’t compete with me, that you don’t cultivate that quality in future generations. Teach children to applaud one another and to value each other’s achievements and to compliment each other for their skills and to critique one another honestly. Do you have any idea how many people a teacher saves by criticising a student of theirs?

And if you believe yourself to be responsible over children who embody a child self of an “angel” do so responsibly. Your ‘friends’ will despise of you for it because when you meet ‘magical’ people, you know it. Their ‘friends’ will abuse them.

The reality is that you still don’t know what I am capable of. And I deserve better than people finding excuses to observe me without permission. I’m not a science experiment either. I probably don’t love you enough to perform catastrophic miracles because you ‘don’t love me back’. I have not been ‘loved back’ by any human being, throughout my entire life certainly not in a capacity that meets my own. If you abuse me, you cannot have a version of me, you cannot be trusted with gifted children. Sowwi

My sixty year old self, who showed me in a meditation, a temple full of children levitating cross legged. And one of her students was the future dalai lama.
(They fucked off somewhere. We know why. We’re saying nothing about it.)

(Sixty year old Louisi is here too and she prefers to say nothing whatsoever but she will edit. Karina to Louisi: you can tell which bits you’re writing here)

  • Do not do to others what you could not cope with having done to you. If you are ‘into’ spanking but you find it ‘humiliating’, don’t spank people. If you are ‘into’ spanking, for the love of Christ alfuckingmighty do NOT spank your kids. THEY KNOW YOU’RE INTO IT. Actually, I’ll tell you something: once my mother threatened to spank me and I LIED and told her I’d learned it was a ‘sex act’ at school. I was sick of being threatened with ‘smacks’. Sorry ma
  • If you like something, don’t pretend not to like it. You have the right to outgrow your tastes and change your mind. I enjoy rough sex. At nineteen I had sex with black guys that showed a lot of rough-sex promise. I was disappointed. I can take it from the back, if I do say so myself. I have had anal sex with a guy who boasted a ten inch penis. That is a very risky thing to do. I thought about it once recently enough, when I had sex with a guy I was in-love with and who was afraid he’d ‘rip my banjo string’. We don’t speak anymore. Obviously.
    I will probably thought-neg a sex partner who shows off about his sexual competence. I learned that men find me threatening and that they like hearing that they’re responsible for my ‘orgasms’, no, you’re not responsible for my ‘orgasms’, I have to use a lot of energy to be able to do that. I have to use very specific muscles in my body to be able to do that. You actually don’t have to do very much at all to make me orgasm and it’s possible to make me orgasm within a few minutes/seconds.
    I enjoy being what people perceive as sexually submissive. I don’t enjoy men telling me that I’m ‘frigid’ because they suck at foreplay. It’s not difficult, play with my hair and stroke me and tell me cute things. I’ll tell you I don’t remember how to ‘do it’. I know you like that.Does that invite the universal-you to ‘dominate’ me? No, because my sex life has nothing to do with my day-to-day life. Also doing so will probably ruin your life.And, furthermore, I actually have no sex life, because I don’t have an official boyfriend. (I have a few boyfriends but I’m trying to make them more affectionate and generous and thats how I talk to my boyfriends when I want them to be ‘more loving’. I am fucked up.) (It is subtle but I am fucked up.)
    OBVIOUSLY I’D LIKE SEVERAL BOYFRIENDS but I care about looks and there are no attractive men in Brighton. Another issue I have is that I ‘inspire’ some guys to express a side of themselves that most women can’t, if I like a man and he connects with me, and it makes you attracted to him, that is very nice. But you won’t be able to connect with him like I can. Likewise, you might meet a man that you are very compatible with and who connects with you, but doesn’t connect with me in the same way. I like VERY MEAN MEN who aren’t mean to me. But are mean to everyone else. That is a very simplified way of putting it but also it is a HUGE compliment if I find you attractive because I rarely find people attractive. I am attracted to genius, I am attracted to funny (funny is a form of genius, especially people who are funny without preparing a repertoire of jokes in advance.) (Avoid men who ‘learn to be funny’ so they can ‘dominate’ women.)
  • If you like someone, even if it is out of shyness, do not pretend not to ‘like them’
  • Do not pretend to ‘like’ people. It is possible to dislike people but ‘love’ them in some way. When I flirt with people, it is often expressed through exchanges of dislike and emotional exchanges. I can feel your feelings, it is a survival mechanism I evolved to have from being surrounded by compulsive liars and addicts. As an infant, the safest I ever felt was in the company of addicts. And they weren’t nice people. Nor was I. (I could mansplain my life to you “I got raped at three by a doctor.” “I did not get hugged afterwards.” “It wasn’t nice.” “I cope with the experience by anime-hentai-ing myself and enjoying my PTSD look” “I don’t mind if you are sexually attracted to me and you witness all of my weird, fucked up childhood moments because you were a child yourself and also if *I* found it arousing, and we are connected enough that I love you, you’ll have found it arousing too. Yes I exist in no small part to help people identify pedophiles, if you are GENUINELY sexually attracted to me you probably aren’t a pedophile. Even if you’re not, you probably still aren’t a pedophile. We have all been children, we have all had sexual interests as children, we have all been fascinated by the body and it is never as interesting to a person as it is in childhood.I will tell you what a pedophile is: a man who invests in and collects multimedia/photographs of little children in various states of undress or humiliation, a man who seeks the unsupervised company of little children (and then arranges to be filmed hanging out and being chill with little children because he’s just a cool guy.) (you know EXACTLY what I mean, not a man that kids find attractive and who actually helps kids who are in pain by making them laugh or by teaching them to be a bit meaner, not a man who mean-big-brother advises them out of a struggle or a man who kids trust enough to ask them to help them shit or to ‘take their rectal pain’ – I mean a man who really seeks out little children.
    Who finds specific kinds of victims and arranges for them to live difficult lives, in an attempt to replicate my life story and my admittedly unusual sexuality.Girls aged thirteen and up sexualise themselves, some of them are very young because they’ve lived sheltered and protected lives, some of them connect – I mean intellectually connect with men who are much older than them. Perhaps because they’ve spent their lives in the company of adults, or because they were raised by a single parent who treated them as an equal, if only because young parents fuck up and when you fuck up, your child is either your sibling or you pass them along to a better parent.Some people are aroused by extreme imagery and very frightening sexual exchanges, which are exchanged, sometimes, by consenting adults. Often these are people who have been very affected by seeing things that most people don’t see.
    Japan has plenty of fucked up art, there are school-girl-underwear kiosks. I would buy a pair of those just because of the novelty. (I’d rather photograph myself emulating a Japanese school girl, I keep saying, I find children REPULSIVE. I HATE THEM. Some occasionally, are cool. I’ve said that Louise Pentland’s daughter Darcy has had some very funny moments. Actually I felt we connected when the two of them knew that I wanted to buy a choker so that I’d be more attractive to a guy I liked for ten years, and she asked her mother if SHE could buy a choker (her mother HELL THE FUCK NOED HER, but in a sibling way, because the three of us fancied him and he was not interested in any of us but also Darcy looks exactly like him.) (I am not “talking” to either of them but that was a few years of my life that we non-physically hung out.)I imagine that it is very flattering to be the ‘mean’ guy that ugly-kids-that’ll-be-pretty-when-they’re-older can run to, who can protect them from mean people.It is a very specific type, women who have had my life experiences are a type. I am not ‘naive’ to the reality of it, we love very intensely and we’re a lot of fun because not-much scares us and we have probably witnessed so many traumas that there is a very notable ‘inner child’ aspect of us. It is a type that men have observed, because of me and many women before me. And they do perpetuate it, but it is wealthy men that do that. I am avoiding being specific but I don’t really believe I need to be.There are tell-tale signs, of girls/boys who are victims of these kinds of pedophiles: they have very difficult lives and they are segregated from their families. They have lots of ‘visits’ from representatives of the government/the NHS, they have ‘friends’ who are affiliated with the police. I assure you that these kids are playing stupid. I had many women attempt to get me to ‘admit’ that I was being abused without being obvious about it. At about six or seven years old a woman showed me an art book that depicted a statue of two people having sex, she asked if I knew what it was. I said “no” because I was a bit of a dick and I wanted to see if she’d use the WORDS. She said they were having a special ‘cuddle’.
  • I was no longer able to trust that woman, the wife of a priest, because I knew she was a liar. I was still very nice to her but I avoided her.
  • Kids don’t need to be coddled by women who act nice so that their husbands find them more attractive. Actually they know you’re doing it, even the three years olds that perform speech impediments and act stupid. They identify somewhere in the few years of life they live that you are endeared to them. SOME OF THEM ARE GENUINELY THAT CUTE but warning of sorts – you are capable of being your opposite and so is that SUPER CUTE LOVELY ADORABLE SWEETYPOOS. And if they identify that they’ll be punished for expressing their true feelings, they’ll go on to identify how to hurt you without being cruel, or vindictive, or nasty.
  • Some people connect, through vastly different ages, I mean they really connect in some way. That doesn’t mean I endorse sexual exchanges between children and adults, because I really fucking don’t. I make jokes about kids flirting with their parents because they do. I didn’t flirt with my parents because I hated my parents. Sometimes I had very meaningful exchanges with both of my parents and
  • They should be able to have conversations in the open. There is nothing wrong with that.
  • The Virgin Mary was probably under sixteen when she had sex with Joseph for the first time. This was in a time period where people publicly attended stoning rituals in which women were buried in the ground and had stones thrown at them until they died. These people lived seeing tragedies. Crucifixion was a public event.
  • Don’t tell lies. If a man in a charity shop says “Whats yer name?” and you ask “you don’t know my name?” and they say “no” and you reply “Oh, well in that case my name is Miss Merriwether”, it is a lie but he knows you’re lying.
  • Do not abuse people and expect not to be abused back. Growing up, I was bitched about by EVERYONE I knew, friends/people I hadn’t noticed existed, and I didn’t care at all. I didn’t retaliate. I didn’t dwell on it. It didn’t affect me at all. If I abuse someone, it is because they have abused me first. Be certain of it. Don’t involve yourself in my decisions.
    Something something Aristocats, Ladies don’t start fights but they do finish them. It was a HUGE meme.
  • To L “He who strikes first wins”, it really depends on what matters to you. And in my story it most certainly isn’t true. S/He who strikes SECOND wins. For example: if you don’t win but you oppose a master, you learn from the master. If you keep losing you develop a talent for strategy. You learn not to dwell on ‘losing’, you learn to ask yourself “WHY did I lose”.

    Or do it your way. My way leads you to immortality, meditations with Gods, Angelic beings – I was raised in a Christian home, and every night my mother called the angels in. “You humans, they’d say, still believe that humans are the greatest source of Evil to exist. And you are mistaken” and aliens, communicating with animals (This year: maggots, spiders – master manifesters – birds – a cameo from some very confused ferrets, their mother called me alpha and that created a lot of issues for people who pride themselves on mind-controlling animals. People who do that should not be allowed to have animals at all.) and affecting the Planet’s rate of evolution without any help whatsoever. Raise your hand if I taught you how to use the toilet. Some people would think that was well-funny, but there are a lot of people who were never toilet trained who I am probably a God of sorts to because they’re not petrified everytime they use the toilet.

    If you have kids and you think it’s funny that I toilet trained your kids, I assure you that a DNA test with the SES will confirm that you really aren’t their mother/father. Sorry.

    L studies martial arts but he could not have studied with a master, he probably learned watching youtube. When you accept a master in martial arts, you are taught that you can ONLY use the knowledge in SELF DEFENCE.

 

Categories
BRIGHTON DIY interiors KILLIKILLI Nagging PINK STYLE WIDT

MAGGOT QUEEN

I learned that the only way to get people to ever read anything I wrote or listen to anything I had to say, there had to be some fantastically sexualised element to it. I don’t know when. Isn’t that weird. We’ve all got weird in us, and it’s great to be honest about it.

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fun fact: i find a bra i like once every few years. my bras are all
years old. most of my things were. a lot of my things were stolen.
i know i'll get them back but the cost of that will be awful, 
finding out who had the audacity to steal from me. particularly
if they were defending a blonde - to be popular. 
who turned out to be very much ALIVE. 
and if it was not for me, you'd never of cared about her life
at all. and if it was not for me, you'd never of known shes alive.

there is no shame bell adequate enough for the result of everything
that has been done to me. 

people deserve to die for what they've done
in an attempt to be popular, thinking no one was watching or 
listening.

It is 00:26 AM on Saturday the twenty-seventh of July. I’ve no idea when I started authoring this post but I need to rest, and return to it tomorrow.

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I need a rest because I’ve been up since about seven in the morning following a very annoying clawed friend around. (I don’t mean it, she is not in the slightest annoying and she brings me so much happiness.)

Killi is actually perfect.

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Because of her I was compelled to tidy my room. You might not think it a big deal. ITS A BIG DEAL.

I had wanted to tidy my room for months since moving in but I didn’t feel to – that is – I had no energy to do so and the period before moving to Brighton I was stressed out and it fucked my body up. Moving around fucks me up. I don’t mean emotionally, because I’ve moved around so many times I’m numb to that. Actually it fucks me up physically. Which is legitimately worse for me. Not for most people but for me, physical pain – carrying around a shit for weeks – is worse than heartbreak. A thing most people do at least one a day, I do about twice to three times a month when I’m having a bad time.

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Being evicted from my family home after an argument (the reality is that my ma got weird when I started cooking) (and after a life of only ever really speaking to my family to have very serious, very heated arguments – which meant that my being evicted made absolutely no sense to me, i mean – i grew up in a warzone in terms of my family only ever communicating to argue. i generally only really got hugged after an argument where i was forced to apologise but not to expect one back. kids that grow up in families that only talk to fight and only hug to resolve a fight have PTSD.)

and my mother realising a few days ago that she was out of her fucking mind to get me evicted – and then my forgiving her without her actually fucking apologising – because I can think of all the excuses for her – also really fucked me up. No one has ever cared about me, and perhaps thats the result of a difficult life for all of us as individuals, but that’s also the truth. I don’t know how a baby could survive without anyone caring for it or loving it and I know that my brother and sister were both damaged creeps that did a lot of weird stuff to me – kids do weird things to their siblings – but I did somehow. 

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It is now 9:05 AM on Saturday the twenty seventh. I’m going to caption the images I’ve added to the post. I haven’t used the internet for a few days, I might’ve previously written (I’ve no memory of the fact) that I wanted to spend some time only really meditating.

If I lost concentration in a meditation I’d just think.

And feel.

I didn’t really watch any cartoons or films, I only listened to music. I don’t talk to any of my old friends and I’ve released them all. Tintin is my very bestfriend, no human could ever compare to him.

A better parent and a better friend than any of the two I’ve ever experienced yet.

If ever there was a time to scientifically prove the benefits of meditation, particularly combined with sound stimuli, it’s now. If you had been living with me for the last month, after an intense meditation with SethSpeaks, you’d of witnessed all sorts of strange miracles and inexplicable genetic evolution that I couldn’t photograph because I don’t have the right lens. More importantly I was able to take thought journeys that helped me to better make sense of the physical body and the Earthly experience.

You do not live with me, so you’ll have to take my word for it that I’m telling the truth. A lot of weird things happened to me throughout my life and when I’d tell people they’d call me a liar. Perhaps that’s why I like to document things. So I’ll accompany everything I write with a truth that you’d think I wouldn’t want to share. I’ll also upload photos that I haven’t photoshopped (apart from a few that I nicked off my instagram, which I used a filter for)

I haven’t “showered” in six months. I wash the places that need to be washed and scrub dead skin off when I need to. Actually I’m Bad Santa level of awful at the moment inside but I try not to go out looking that way so I don’t make Brighton look scummy.

Look at how perfect this baby is. I wish I had taken a video of her having a little bath in my kitchen sink. It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. (I pee in that sink, but also I dettolled and scrubbed the hell out of it before I put her in. Obviously.)

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The hair I lost having continuous nervous breakdowns in Surrey because I was being bullied and fucked over is growing back without the aid of any vitamins, although I’ve got some that I’d like to start taking. My skin is not a nigh on thirty year old chainsmoker’s and I’ve not had enough injections in awhile, to boast a name drop (If you like my lips, Dr Rita Rakus. No one else. Save up.) for an aesthetician but mine is the best.

Don’t tell anyone, one time she started stabbing at my lips with a syringe and I got really wet. Gross right? That shit hurts. (She gives you a really good numbing cream, and you can leave it on for longer so it hurts less – but it does hurt.)

I realised that the tap water in Brighton is not good for drinking, it forms calcium deposits around my friends nose. (Just WAIT til you see my new friend.)
I think that if this country refuses to endeavour to provide healthy, clean water to their citizens – they should at the very least enforce local councils to honestly inform their residents that the water is not drinkable. I promise that if you live in the United Kingdom and you stop washing your hair (a spritz of dry shampoo, a decent brush – I use a tangle teaser but the design of those was actually copied from one of my favourite old hairbrushes.) and your face in the terrible water, (honestly – Dubai circa 1990’s asbestosy-chlorinated swimming pool water is probably healthier to swallow than the drainage-regurgitated to infinity stuff in our taps) your appearance would benefit tremendously. I advocate plastic surgery, generally ageing is to do with the levels of collagen in your body and I want to believe we can evolve beyond caring about people’s ages and if it’s our appearances stopping us from being with the people that we might like to be with – for whatever reason – then we need to change those appearances.

In the Matrix movies we are taught about residual self image – the person you see when you visualise yourself. I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO BE THAT PERSON. WE NEED YOU TO BE THAT PERSON. SHE IS BETTER THAN THE YOU THAT FEELS WEIRD IF SHE LEAVES THE HOUSE IN ANYTHING OTHER THAN A CAGOULE.

You’ll notice, when you notice your ‘residual self image’ – that it is difficult to just wear the things you see yourself in. My spiritual teachers would’ve entirely opposed the idea of embracing that residual image until meeting their twinflames, because they’d of wanted their twins to see them ‘as they are’, ‘without vanity’, which it is truly a struggle for women to reject because we are mind controlled to be vain, mind controlled to obsess over physical beauty – particularly those of us who live in capitalist countries.

In a meditation my spider friend Sabel told me that he had a twinflame. Female spiders are a lot bigger than the male ones and they usually eat the male ones. I understood that Sabel wanted to co-exist with his twinflame, which is not characteristic for spiders. He learned perhaps from watching my memories of spider documentaries and so did she. He was at the time too small to document although he kept trying to encourage me to – that is – I kept feeling compelled to try to photograph him and I kept not doing it because I don’t have the right lens.

The chances are that if you are a person who already knows who their twin is, you’re probably around about a more mature age. It doesn’t mean you’re ready for them, at all.  The idea of being without vanity and being comfortable as you are, is that the final result is that you can love yourself without vanity. Don’t stagnate on it. It’s an achievement, when you get there you leave that you behind. Past life.

WHY won’t you wear your fancy dresses around the house? Is it because you don’t think it fits the look? That is amongst the many reasons that I’m unhappy in a home until it looks right. My home doesn’t look right yet. But here is how my favourite bit of my flat is starting to look.

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When I lost the egocentricity that enabled me to meditate about myself (as opposed to obsessing about snuggling with boys I fancied, as I did in school) I was catatonically depressed.

We need to find beauty in ourselves and love ourselves before we start pursuing relationships. Which means first we have to KNOW ourselves. Also not looking like Mr Burns when you’re naked is a GOOD THING.

When it comes to me, I think, or fragments of myself: we feel your happiness. If you secretly wish you had an excuse to dress up every day all day, we’re quietly aware of the fact. We like people who are the equivalents of male peacocks. (That is not to say they necessarily like us back, but that is who we gravitate towards.)
We won’t pick the ‘meaner’ one, although sometimes it seems that way – we’ll pick the one that has more presence. We can defend ourselves (unless you have an army of lovers and a queue of inadequates that actually hold it back because even if they have a place in the queue – they’re NOT READY.) and we prefer solitude and we enjoy a person who is a constant source of entertainment. It is probably unhealthy to seek another person out solely to be entertained by them but I know that is consistently something I seem to expect from interaction.

If you’re wondering where this thought journey comes from, it comes from a deeper need to want to understand things as they truly are. Nature is not loving or perfect or kind and does not adhere to the social rules that humans have created. You can tell me it is insanity to think that we can sculpt evolution and that it is self absorption but I have no reason to agree. I’m at a sort of crossroads because I’m trying to decipher the true human mentality when it comes to relationships and where men – and what are men, anyway – have been given control, it has become some secret freudian, heartless, in’humane’ reality that I’ve found myself in at times – but then I also find that while I advocate the liberation of women, their gender rebirth in light of our findings has created monsters too. I could be a monster but I don’t want to but I might need to but I don’t want to.

I’m going to try to discuss a variety of things that have been sitting in my thoughts, thoughts I’ve truly revisited daily for the last two weeks, (the last two to ten years) in this blog and it’s taken at least three days to be able to sort of do that. If you read this journal entry as I write it: there are bits I’ve left incomplete. Every hour or two I return to various points or I add something or I consider omitting something perhaps. For a millisecond.

I spent years of my life looking shit and feeling shit. People forgot the old me and new people came along: safely accustomed to that new-me (even pretending that the old me didn’t exist) and that new-me didn’t really inspire jealousy in them or whatever it was that made people feel threatened and hate me when I was younger. They were still cruel to me, as cruel as anyone had ever been – old me would’ve rolled her eyes because she was that ‘self obsessed’. At University I applied every lesson I’d learned about being a social inept (I didn’t go out looking awful all the time, even if my peers looked awful, I was generous and tried to share a little bit of everything I had at every opportunity – apparently I was pretending to be rich because I wasn’t going around talking about my shit life at home, which if I had of done – I’d of been ‘attention seeking’. Trust me – the story is the same. You’re going to hate me and you’re going to hate anyone I fuss over.)

Do not be taken by the idea that whoever you’re pursuing should ‘see you as you are’, neither I nor they really need to know the “real you” because if you are around me or anyone for long enough: the ‘real you’ will change.
You will be the real-real you around people that make you feel loved, because you will feel unjudged and for the most part that is correct, but if you hurt me by exploring your shadow self, you open up a lot of wounds and then you see the real-real me and she isn’t very nice when she’s angry or upset. I don’t hit first. I am rarely cruel first. It happens if I see someone looking phenomenally terrible perhaps but mostly I don’t do nastiness unless it is called for. I spent my life being the ‘protective best friend’ and finding hot guys and setting them up with my friends. I kept having friendships dissolve because women don’t like me. I am still not over the incident in Hackney, I got kicked out because Bernie thought I wanted to steal men from her. I would never have done any such thing.

Women of generations older than mine are finally feeling enabled to be sluts. You do not have to attach any longer to the one man in your life because it’s a lie.

I don’t want women to be wilting flowers and I don’t want women to be submissive unless they find happiness or personal safety in that, or the performance of that. I don’t want to encourage women to be abusers either. Saying that – where I find that older people are wise, I prefer to have an influence of that nature in my life. I’m not hinting at anything here, value people who are older than you in some way. I seek out the company of older women. A guy called Zach told me that I should look to trees, if I needed the influence of a woman or a rolemodel when I was in my early twenties.

I don’t think he could’ve understood how the World works. I think he was also a thief. No one is perfect but I’m not honestly sure how far that sentiment goes; how much you can fix with a statement like “I am not perfect.

If you want to live a BDSM life here’s what I can tell you:

  1. You need a squishy. A person you can be yourself around without worrying that they are trying to dominate you. Whether you are submissive or dominant, you need a person that loves you before you start exploring a sexually promiscuous lifestyle.
  2. You need a person to run to if you are being abused by people you ‘love unconditionally’ who can call people out when they’re in some weird sexual trance that makes them stupid. It is a thing. Harmless and kindly men become sexual predators in these trances and so do women, actually.
  3. I have no squishies so I am in no way a candidate for a lifestyle of that nature. I would not pursue that lifestyle unless one of my guides told me to. And I don’t know that they would do so unironically. (Let me show you why you are NOT going that way.)
  4. I find personal strength in not needing a squishy, that is my personal life. I am not interested in BDSM either but I have noticed damaged people who are often find their way into my life and I don’t know how to react to the communicative exchanges.
  5. I am a loving person and it is not a performance and it hurts me when people start bullying me.
  6. This song was good for me as a teenager. I like to see unseen things and make beautiful movies in my head. Apparently it isn’t often me doing it either.
  7. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2L1A9taR0UYHowever hard I try to convince myself otherwise, I am competitive. I do not like that side of myself because when I competed as a child, I lost any chance at having friends. Even teachers bullied me if my work was too good in school. I coped with that by not doing anything much. I got confused for lazy and stupid and I enjoyed the humour in that.

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First of all, with regards to my post title: I am the Maggot Queen.

This is why.

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This is a common fly I bred, using meditation. It is infact not at all common, it has lines down the middle of it’s abdomento remind me of one of it’s brothers:

(I named him Magnus)

– I killed a maggot by dissecting it. It was a very uncharacteristic cruelty and it changed me forever – but I did it to feed some spiders that I have an attachment to. I cut some maggots into three, and I tried to feed my spiders. My reasoning being that if I want to have a pet snake, I have to accept I’ll probably need to feed it live feed. I am so sensitive to animals that even live feed, I would consider pets. I did not ever really romanticise the idea of keeping predators that were not dogs or cats until now.

But back to Magnus.

I cut across his belly horizontally. I didn’t cover his eyes. We exchanged eye contact before I killed him. When you meditate enough and when you access enough higher truth you are forever changed – I mean if you are a decent and empathic person (and you should always aspire to be decent, not to perform decency) – you, like me, can probably fall in love with something like a maggot. I mean you can really look at an insect like that, and feel love towards it.

Some people are cruel and it means nothing when they are cruel. Some people are not cruel at all and so when they are, it’s actually probably deeply, deeply disturbing.

Watching Sephiroth kill something innocent probably wouldn’t surprise anyone. I don’t know that many people were all that affected by Aerith’s death. It’s supposedly a huge moment in gaming history but I’ve never personally met a gamer who cared for that scene in any significant way. I was really really affected by Aerith’s death the first time I watched that scene.

Moving on: watching Aerith kill something would be disturbing. It would change how gamers regarded her. If you know anything about her character, or the impact she has on Cloud’s life, it really is the overwhelming kindness that probably kindles some capacity in him to fucking feel at all after whatever he must have experienced at Shinra or with Sephiroth. If Cloud’s memories are false that means he shares memories with Zach, but they might both be sharing Sephiroth’s memories.

Back to Magnus and the other two Magnets I killed – I believe a female and a baby – which I fed to my spiders. (My spiders didn’t enjoy eating those magnets, and they eventually moved so that they wouldn’t catch our flies – although they’ve since overcome the guilt.)

That night, I felt a really particular kind of agony in my stomach – and painkillers did not work for that pain.

I mean my stomach hurt for days and even when I could get comfortable enough in bed to try to masturbate it did nothing for me. I lost the ability to orgasm and it was legitimately frightening. I think that experience was my first time feeling absolutely no love towards anything at all.

I learned the value of a life by ending one – of a really rather harmless and worse, defenseless being. That night, I felt maggots in my body. I mean I felt them moving in my body. It was very real and it was also grotesque, I have a vivid imagination and I had watched them move so intently that the experience isn’t one I think I’ll ever really successfully remove from my memory.

I got the ability to orgasm back when I made peace with the spirit of the maggot. Also I took a massive shit that might’ve been the easiest one I’ve ever taken (I’ve taken, like, at least a few of those tiny shits that white women take in my entire life, so I do know what it feels like to take a tiny shit) although it’s still sitting in my white-woman toilet with embarrassingly small pipes. I know SOMEONE in Brighton is into scat.

But you don’t know what it is that maggots do. Do allow me to educate you. Train you, if you are so duly damaged that you require the use of words like that to concentrate. Someone will have to.

If you want to be a domme – be able to offer good service first.

Service is not sexual. Be able to be kind and do kind things. Have a sense of humour about your appearance, unless you have invested in yourself the chances are you have a few ‘flaws’ you’ve not been able to love in yourself. You can use art of manifestation to get rid of the flaws but the insecurities will probably transfer.

I felt ugly and fat from the age of two, I was an emotionally receptive child and I was raised by a ballerina who felt those things exclusively about herself.

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I am copying Emperor Akhito's wife, I saw her in a fascinator and
for the first time in my life I actually rather liked them.

I've been using red lipstick for everything. Contouring. Lips. 
I do actually intend to invest in red eyeliner. I wanted to get
a red line tattooed to my neck but a gentleman in Brighton
had the motherfucking audacity to tell me he refused. 

He pretended not to know who I am. There is no one that
ascribes to any kind of "alternative" lifestyle that does not
know who the hell I am. 

Do not trust piercers or tattoo artists that lie or engage in
BDSM. 

Years ago I went to a school for people that had been expelled from other schools – I couldn’t cope with the structures of normal schools and this one didn’t expect too much –  and let me wear whatever I wanted.
I had a science teacher who was a marine biologist whose dreams had been stolen from him – that is – he had a choice between the marriage dream and the marine biologist studying marine life dream. He told me that when he decided to study Marine biology, he would work ‘on location’ and that while he had aspirations of working with whales and sharks, he was sent to work with the bottom feeders – the plankton. Nothing ‘big’ in the ocean can survive without plankton, nothing at all would survive without plankton perhaps.

The food chain relies on all beings responsibly trying to incorporate as many food groups into their diet as they possibly can. You do not need to eat too much of everything, but you should at least nibble everything. The food chain hierarchy of sun > plants > insects > birds (this is the most offensively brief hierarchy but it is intended to serve as an example – but particularly for omnivores, our digestive systems rely on insects. Not vegetables. Not McVitties digestives. Insects – at least, definitely maggots. (Magnets.)

It is very unusual to keep maggots but they are great.

They are good for enriching soil, they are good for consuming left over food that you don’t want going to waste and some of them would make great accomplices for mercenaries.

I have docile ones that have never felt fear. This is them.

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[link to the original image upload here]

These ones currently live in ‘Tintin’s soil tin’ which is sort of a cute play on the idea that he could grow up to be a bigtime wall street dealer. (That is a reference to a joke in Final Fantasy VII)

This is Don Corneo’s mansion. It is sort of the Golden Saucer of Maggot farms. I have retired it temporarily and I will be revamping it with an all new landscape.

I was flirting with the idea of an animal familiar or friend that I could host in a home that is as awkward as mine.

I have a very little flat, which is all I need right now. But as a person who spends so much time in isolation, (one of those pesky ptsd sufferers) I was certain that it was time for me to start tidying my flat and seeking out some decent company that could cope with my total incompetence towards the care of other living things and my complete lack of motherly affection or maternal affection. I am actually repulsed by maternal feelings that are performed, the perpetuation of the idea that a mother must be kind and sweet and doting.

Here’s what I WANTED: A low maintenance, low expectations friend that could keep me company while I await a moment in time in which I can have Tintin back in my life all day long.

I wanted a snake. Or a bearded dragon. (I meditated on this before moving in – the snake eats the bearded dragon and grows legs.) (I would never get a bearded dragon and a snake, and put either at risk of that. I’d get upset with the snake and I wouldn’t want it anymore.

Snakes have never experienced jealousy. It’s probably of some evolutionary benefit.

I have always wanted a predator for an animal friend. I had never indulged the idea for long because when you have a carnivorous pet that needs live-feed, you also have more pets. If you have ever had stick insects, the idea of live feed is really messed up. Plastic containers of sometimes amazonian insects (their origins, that is) crawling over one another and poking their legs through the breathing holes as they wait to die.

They know that is what they are doing, by the way. They know they are waiting to die.

Live feed is expensive on petsathome. Well. It is and it isn’t. They changed the prices. I think it is weird to put a price on these lives, now. But I’ll explain why.

Insects aren’t stupid. Start here.

On a meditation journey I was told service or bdsm (another word for ‘survival’). This was a long time ago, ish, with both Gabriel and Lucifer, the Angels. (They look very alike and are very resentful of the fact.)

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Image taken from PetAtHome Friday 26th July 2019

Believe it or not, the prices have changed. I wonder why.


My reality is that this country is pretending that £700 a month is an acceptable amount of money to give an unemployed and sometimes disabled person and I can’t afford to be spending

The spiders relocated but sometimes show me they’re still around.
There’s a huge female one beneath my balcony, she leaves bridges of webs to catch her prey with. She mostly seems to use those webs as pest control. I had prepared a maggot colony in a tin-can, and the tin-can fell onto a pipe, and stayed there. She lives quite close to it – and I know she can wander in if it rains. When it rains I panic and I think about the spiders a lot – but I’ve made lots of places for them to hide when it rains and believe it or not, they do.

The spiders and myself have experimented alot with feelings of loss. The one in the alcove beneath the star on my balcony moved himself – but I won’t forget looking for him in the mornings.

I had thought he was a female, and I think he’d insist he is, but realised the female (that had previously thought-spoken with me in my babyvoice) was the smaller one that haS placed herself above the star on some weird mesh that covers my balcony. She now resides beside a window in our hallway. His name is Sabel – I saw Sabel on an ‘Isabel Marant’ top and read “I sabel” and now I see little ‘S’ things whenever I go to glance onto the balcony. When I can’t find him I think ARE YOU STILL HERE SABEL? and sometimes I look towards just the right spot to see him. One time I looked out onto my balcony and I saw him curled into a ball in a webbed-barrier and

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I had a feeling there were four spiders although I could only see three. At night the light would coincidentally – for a few days – cast a shadow of a giant spider in my ceiling. When I meditated with it I felt little bites in my skin and understood that was the spider’s way of communicating it was stealing energy. Pain is an energy. Spirits need energy to do their work. Fear is an energy. Sometimes the easiest way to acquire that energy is to evoke a very powerful emotion – some spirits pretend to be dead to evoke emotion just to acquire energy. It is important to be able to feel if you do magic, so you can at least ‘feel’ truth, or ‘feel’ if they are loving. I did feel that these spiders were loving towards me, but I couldn’t know if they felt that love towards anyone else. Animal spirits are difficult for me because I’ve not been doing this for a long time. I know that the animals that gravitate towards me are VERY big on LOYALTY. If I don’t like you, stay away from my animals (Tintin will bite you, even old ‘friends’ that he knew I wasn’t friends with anymore – he snapped at.) and that includes my spirit friends.

Having a few maggot-I-call-them-magnets colonies, I learned that – don’t ask – but only feeding hens ‘feed’ is wrong. For us, more than them. We need the birds that we eat to eat every single kind of food – for our own digestions. Maggots help us use the toilet. Maggots also help us orgasm.

I will tell you a little about the experience of being a maggot – they writhe around in pure physical pleasure.

 

Their every movement is as we ekxperience sexual pleasure. They snuggle. They have orgies (I lifted a piece of meat and saw the most fucked up magnet-orgy ever – they were so embarrassed they actually glanced at me mid-hump in pure shock.). They eat and fuck. That’s what they do. That is all they do. They live hedonistic lives and are naturally inclined to do so. They are beings of pure pleasure.

I googled the lifecycle of maggots – and I believe they must have used me to see themselves remotely. I know that they can choose to remain maggots.

Want to be grossed out? I left some pork steaks that had been sitting in my fridge in a loosely sealed tescos bag and put it outside. In no time at all I realised there was an infestation of maggots.

I was given meat that I am certain had maggots eggs inside.

 

I can leave meat wrapped in a tescos bag – I mean completely sealed by that bag – and left it outside.

They live lives of pure physical pleasure. Everything they do feels really, really good.

They can choose not to ‘evolve’ or otherwise delay the process of becoming a fly.

They are capable of meditation and are responsive to sound stimuli. They really like cyber-gothy electro music.

If a forensic specialist says something like “the maggots had started to eat at her” – and it had taken ‘a week’ to find her body, I’d say “you’re a fucking liar dude”.
They move and eat fast and they are merciless about it.
And they would begin at a wound if that was where their parents had chosen to lay eggs,
but they do not necessarily need to lay eggs in flesh. I’ve been taught that flies lay eggs in rotting flesh. They do.

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When I first visited Brighton I had a chat with a gentleman at a cafe
called 'Opposition'. 

He said that there were no lines in nature. 
My meditation flies would disagree.

They also lay eggs on plastic, and all sorts of different materials if there is both food and water in the vicinity. I am raising a lot of very weird looking insects and doing so requires my landscaping various little containers with the hopes of having the most epic dolls house ever.

They ALSO eat non-rotting flesh and they would go for the eyes. This is significant for me, though, as maggots were always in my mind. I’m not joking. Maggots and leeches have always been in my mind. This episode of Blackadder (these are the only ones I enjoy) is why maggots have always been in my mind.

At the back of my mind I have always thought in terms of survival skills, and have never forgotten seeing that maggots consume rotting flesh on television as a child. I knew that if you had a wound, and you placed a maggot on top, that the maggot would ‘only eat the dead flesh’ and leave the living flesh. That is a lie.

They would sink into the flesh of the thing they were eating and eat the whole thing. British TV is really fucked up and very dishonest.

(If you love something, you call it out for it’s shit. You do not choose to be nice all the time to save it’s feelings – you share a planet with beings that are deserving of much more than feelings of pity)

I’m going to tell you about the Maggot Spirit.

Magnus.

But this is Sesshomaru.

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He is a seagull that visits me occasionally and who I take great enjoyment in leaving out water and food for.

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My friend’s got many, many, many names.
Her nickname is KILLI KILLI.

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This is Killikilli sitting and looking out onto the balcony when Sesshomaru comes to visit.

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Moments after (or before) I took this photograph, Killikilli (that is not her government name) bit my nipple and I thought “if anyone ever tries to convince me that breast feeding isn’t a sexual performance EVER they are full of SHIT”

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She is the most amazing creature ever. So are maggots.

Of course: it is worthy of note that Chihuahuas are magical creatures too, but to me it is important to acknowledge that birds and insects are also equally worthy of their magical note.

In other news – I have been living in Brighton for almost half a year. I started tidying a few days ago (that’s when Killi waltzed into my life, being the least domesticated bird ever.)

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There are more photos.

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