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PANS THEISM | THESPIANISM

It’s funny how there are things you could write on your online journal about that you wouldn’t talk to your mother about.


I founded a religion. It is all-encompassing and problematic and it is irrefutable.
For these reasons, it is by invitation only.

If I love you, consider yourself an initiate.
I might not love you, I might regard you as a source of genius and that were you absent the World would suffer for it.

I can un-love you. (If I truly, truly love you, you are amused by the threat. But you respect a NO.) If you are irresponsible with the connections provided to you through Panstheism, you will be removed from the company afforded to you and excluded as a matter of personal safety. People who love like I do are vulnerable.


There were some realities that you might find very disturbing, about my last relationship. I’m going to attempt to adopt a sense of humour in explaining, I discourage people from seeking out relationships like mine. They were dysfunctional relationships that involved exploring very painful emotional landscapes.
At the time, each of my sincere relationships felt like love, but they weren’t loving relationships. But at the time: that was what I knew of love.

I dated a psychiatric nurse once, that was not a sincere relationship. We did not love each other. We did not find each other attractive. We were both escaping undesirable situations.

I was running from a psychiatric ward in which I was being raped in my sleep, and running from undesired situations is difficult, because the details of a situation might change but the realities of it rarely does. In years, I will be compensated because it will be accepted I was raped in those psychiatric ward, that the nurses and doctors were abusing me in various ways and that they developed an addiction to me that affected me physiologically and was removed of honest discussion and consent. I believe they thought they were doing a good thing, some of them, but they weren’t. I think it is difficult for some people to ascertain who ‘the bad guy’ in a narrative is, and it might upset many of the people involved in that to accept they were the ‘bad guy’ in that story.

I spent many years of my childhood and teens, doing visual meditations in which some version of me (not me, it has to be a me that feels nothing and that is impossible to abuse.) was taken through hospitals/prisons where gifted children had been imprisoned for their gifts, and she rescued them by telling them the truth. Gifted people are often, for one reason or another, not told they are gifted.
FYI – those kids in that prison can defend themselves. Abused kids/abused people will abuse YOU. Humanitarian work is not for everyone, be careful with ‘helping’ people that don’t ask you for help first, you can make a victims life much worse than it is by ‘forcing’ help on them.

This is a song I once played on repeat for a boyfriend-playmate-bestfriend. I said “this isn’t for you, I just really really like the song.” I nicknamed that boyfriend after a beautiful transvestite and myself.

I put it on my blog for the guy I really liked just incase he got confused that I wasn’t still trying to pursue him. It was difficult to tell, really, if he ever liked me back, because we’d spend half-days in bed together watching cartoons. He knew I liked him because when I met him, I sat on a chair opposite him and started kicking his chair. That was genuine flirting for me.

I also liked one of my guest tutors. That was also probably confusing. He was very cruel to me but he was very funny about it, and at the time he was probably in love with me vibrationally. Which doesn’t mean he was sexually attracted to me. And if he was he would never have told me so unless he was trying to make someone jealouse.

I don’t speak to any of the above so I’ll discuss at length.


Everyone involved knew what I was doing. I knew that. I liked that.

People I love are very manipulative. That ex was a compulsive liar, and he liked to paint a pretty picture of our relationship

Any connection demands a level of personal growth and tremendous trust, and I find it is only artists and thespians whom I can trust enough to invite.

It involves having very personal thought discussions with all forms of being, as to their sexualities and love lives, and the idea behind those beings is they have been around for a very, very, very long time and that they are capable of guiding us through relationships that exceed the lifespan of a natural human being. Without being too poetic about words, there are many people who meet someone and ‘feel’ they’ve known them for lifetimes.

If you are interested in learning about love, if you identify as a love-before-anything being, try O.T.O. If you regard the supernatural as nonsensical, or if you think magic is a facade, or if you are the sort of person to ‘laugh’ at people who identify their lifes work so as to consider themselves as either psychics or ‘healers’, O.T.O is NOT for you.

If you are interested in guided meditation, find a teacher first.

The David Lynch Foundation (United States)
Transcendental Meditation: for help with Addiction, PTSD, depression and developing personal creativity.

Art is a fulfilling life choice for people whose lives would be void of purpose otherwise (myself included.)

The School of Economic Science (United Kingdom)

The Art of Service. Before you can ‘do‘ BDSM, learn about Service and selflessness, and learn the laws of Karma. Learn about sincerity. What is good about that School, is that if you are insincere, they know it. They don’t need to do ‘personality’ tests. They know, already. Unlike me, they can’t just ‘exclude’ people because they exist to be of service. They feel obligated out of selflessness to help you to evolve.

If it is ‘power’ you are after by engaging with the Illuminati, you’ll probably be very disappointed eventually.
A legitimate ‘power win’ for the day (and you can be destitute or vastly wealthy, it makes no difference) with those people is a literary debate over the use of “affect” or “effect”. You’ll need to know a few ancient languages to continue the debate and you’ll need to not have stolen the information because they will find out who you accessed to learn how to contribute to the debate, and defend them. And then the ‘house point’ goes to their ultra-state self. (Actually I think this is how we’re fighting over who founded my religion but they know it was me. The argument will be regarded as a flirt fight for all of time.)

You need to learn about selflessness before you can appreciate the responsibility associated with power. That means that you’ll attend their philosophy classes. That means you will learn to find ‘fun’ in writing essays about selflessness and how witnessing an act of selflessness affects you emotionally. There was a very big argument in a philosophy class at one point because I argued that Hitler was not a being born out of love. It continues until this day. (My idea of misbehaving was bunking off classes to write poems in the library. In Illuminati land this is unheard of because that is an unfair thing to do when other people are learning ancient languages who would also perhaps have preferred writing shit poetry in the library. My co-students time-travelled to cheat on their exams in year eight. I am convinced that should have affected their entry to University. I would be a horrible headmistress.)

What is difficult is that you will probably invest in all sorts of terrible arrangements to acquire that which you haven’t worked for, upon other people’s merits, and that everyone has to wait for you to live-the-karmic-repercussions-of-your-mistakes. Some people need to learn about cause and effect. It is mansplained in this video.

Some people think of humility as ‘submissiveness’ or believe ‘service’ to be a sexuality, it is well within your right to believe whatever you believe based on your life experiences.

“Illuminati baby” points at the colour pink menacingly and it might ACTUALLY be a threat upon your life.

For example. Damaged illuminati kids who spent their teens fantasising about ‘living in a crack den’ (the Illuminati ‘fuddy duddies’, wanting to investigate the details of Squatter’s rights/use drugs might organise that) will romanticise about having “Tank Girl” as their future child and then realise the thought forms 2D self is specifically why they didn’t date ‘that person’ they spent ten years of their life being secretly in love with and out of that SAME unconditional love decide against having them.

However, it would be an insult to people who sincerely dedicate their lives on Earth to do (a) God’s work. The Pope is an example of a person who gives up his life, (that doesn’t mean he is not still a person, with flaws, with the right to continue to grow and to evolve) the Dalai Lama is an example of that. You are probably not an equal to them so it is not for you to attempt to ‘test’ them, unless you are looking for a teacher-student connection and you are ‘testing’ them to see if they can help you through your own difficult circumstances and lessons.

Have you ever secretly prayed to God for help? Sometimes a person very close to God finds their way into your life experience and I believe those people would find it disturbing if you projected a sexuality onto them. Learn how to co-exist and respect people before pursuing any extreme sex/love life that involves consensually playing with boundaries as you might in a ‘cult’.

Learn about monogamy before exploring polyamory.

Sheila Gilette and ASK THEO (United States)

Youtube videos are NOT for you, because there are people who abuse guided meditations on Youtube.

(The worst is realising she’s better at your religion than you are.)
(Organised religion is her thing.)


Things to learn from a self of mine, that would be a teacher superior by far to Esther Hicks and Jane of SethSpeaks, etc. (And they are amongst the quality of teacher that I would – without hesitance – consider masters.)

To be a teacher, you have to select a family of equals to continue experiencing karma with, to grow with, as a person, with a personal life.
That is how you help people. You live life and you grow. You give back to people that you agree to be of service to. You have the right to a private life, and your ‘audience’ have to respect that without interfering and getting involved.

If they get involved they will learn not to.

When you create familial ties with people, the idea behind doing so is that you are your-true-self. It is very important for people who are in love-cults, for example, and who have found purpose in life through loving people (whatever that means to you, thats a journey of growth in itself) that they find people with whom they can be themselves. Did you like your relatives growing up? It’s irrelevant, the idea was that you were yourself around them. Teachers don’t have friends, and psychics proven to have a skill of accuracy are abused by addicts. I have a gift for offering others good advice but I couldn’t do that if I hadn’t lived a difficult personal life, in which I’d fucked up: a lot.

You are, whoever/whatever you are, an evolving ‘self’.
That involves interacting with other living things, however you might do so.
You carry within you a vision for what you demand of the World. A plant that meditates on the Art of Manifestation carries/offers a very different ideal towards a utopian existence. A spider probably has very different ideals towards what they may choose to  invest time, feeling and thought towards manifesting. A bird probably has a very different set of ideals for an idyllic World. The idea of the Art of Manifestation is that any collective that privately (or not so privately, apparently) manifests their own dreams – through living them somehow, even if it is within the confines of their own bedroom or personal space – contributes to evolution.

When a friend (dare to pretend that such a thing exists, because if your teachers don’t have friends, you probably don’t either.) or acquaintance of yours lives some vibrant moment, for example if you are surrounded by artists and they decide to create a ‘fashion show’ or an ‘exhibition’, ideally the artists will produce a collection of works, you will probably be ‘inspired’ to do something of that nature yourself. Everything you do or don’t do in life affects everyone else, including people you’ve never seen/met. Most importantly it changes who you are as a person, a single conversation can change a person’s life.

Whether that is an acceptable vision or not, is irrelevant, ‘and so harm it none, do as ye wilt’
(whether you have an audience or not, life continues for technology, plants, animals, humans, angels, aliens, vampires. ACCEPT IT.)

If you had a difficult family life, choosing a ‘new’ family means that you’ll continue to have a ‘difficult family life’, it was your difficult family life that made you who you are. And ideally there’s no one else like you. Be consoled by that.

Have you ever heard angels argue? They ARGUE. I mean they find ways to communicate amongst themselves that you and I wouldn’t notice unless they wanted you to.

My teachers are capable of telepathy and can communicate messages from angels, but so can I.
Sometimes my teachers use me to access the angels in a way that they can’t, and I do the same with them. The way that we connect with other forms of life is unique to us. I am a very gifted flirt, not when I have PTSD. It is a lot of fun, for me, flirting. I flirt with everyone, when I am ‘in the vortex’. It is also a form of cruelty, when I consent to ‘relationships’, I pick very difficult relationships and struggles to work through.
I am attracted to men that ‘everyone’ is attracted to and, even if I’m not: it is probably like ‘the goth girl who used to eat lunch by herself in a toilet cubicle at school’ dating a guy in the American high school rugby team. That is my relationship dynamic. If I am in a relationship dynamic that isn’t that, I am in the relationship to make people jealous.
Telling you doesn’t change that you are, you might just be more proactive about hiding it.

I will level them up so that ‘everyone’ is attracted to them. I dont want friends, so when I pick people to share company with, they catch my love-bubble (it is infectious and addictive and when I

I could not do what Esther does. I could not stand infront of strangers and deliver answers to their questions in a happy voice. I would interrupt Abraham.

Sometimes I would listen to those teachings and reply to people: in my head, with “you have no manners” or “you look like shit, thats why you don’t have a boyfriend” (I close my eyes when I watch/listen, now) or I’d think-reply to Esther “her sister wasn’t mentally ill nor suicidal, she was being seriously emotionally and psychologically abused by the person doing the asking”. Sometimes I don’t get a ‘reply in thought’, sometimes I feel the reply in my stomach or with a chill or I am so emotionally overwhelmed by a question that I dwell on it, which means those with whom I share my life (non-physically, do you think about a relative all the time? You share your life with that relative non-physically.). Sometimes if Esther is questioned about something serious-in-a-human-rights way, that the answer of which has implications far bigger or greater than the usual nature of the queries offered to her, I dwell on that too.

Abraham – a collective of beings very removed from ‘day to day Esther’, is very clever about people that are suspected victims of torture/abuse at the whims of shadow entities and brotherhoods of sorts, that exist to protect individuals with very particular illegal-for-a-very-good-reason proclivities and tendencies. Pedophilia is a crime I would include in that bracket, organised sexual slavery (which does exist in the United Kingdom, which exists everywhere. ‘Sexual slavery’ has many faces, and some of those are nicer and more marketable faces in countries that seek to adhere to human rights laws. Our school and value system in the West regards slavery as unacceptable, those involved in it and those who are protected for it know that it is wrong and that is why they create ‘fraternities’ and ‘sororities’ which cover it up.)

Some people get caught up in ‘that stuff’ pursuing what they believe to be an outrageously fun sex life, if you have been a victim of very weird stuff – you can cope with ‘weird stuff’ sexually if you’re around people you trust and if your terms (which should be known to the people you’re doing that stuff with, I don’t think a person that ‘loves’ you should need an exchange of contracts. That said, some people have very different ideas of love. You know deep down what you feel safe doing when you interact with people on any level, stay very true to your ideals of safety. Some people’s ideals of safety are misguided, and in that respect I support your right to grow as a person, from mistakes. Learn to apologise when apologies are due.)

Here I will tell you about a form of BDSM. Don’t ever forget that whether you can see it or not, I am a figure of notoriety when it comes to the adult industry. People know about the female orgasm because of me. That is huge. It contributes to whatever we can consider a ‘science’ about fertility.

There is a form of BDSM that involves abusing people’s guilt functions. It sounds not-so-bad, but guilt-abuse is so psychologically damaging that it can make you go ‘insane’. I mean there are people who are in psychiatric hospitals because they feel-bad-about-something.

This is a form of psychological torture.

I’ll use myself as an example: When I was a child, I saw an advertorial late at night that depicted a doctor hitting a new born child on the bottom. When I was a child, I was in a constant fog-like-depression as a result of a rape, an uncomfortable fog in which I performed ‘consensual but not conscious’ (imagine being half awake and finding yourself in bed with a fifteen year old brother who was, also, ‘wasted’, he was on drugs. He was fifteen, possibly fourteen.)  fellatio on my brother. I had lots of memories of doing things that I never had a chance to discuss with parental guides, because my relatives had not been brought up knowing how to have those conversations.
I’m not defending my relatives, but I did the work: I had a lot of counselling and therapy as a child, I learned that people do-things-for-a-reason-that-makes-sense-to-them.
My mother didn’t ever discuss discharge with me. I thought that there was something ‘wrong’ with me when I saw discharge in my underwear. I brought it up with my mother because I really believed there was something wrong with me. She was stunned into silence and didn’t reply, because that was clearly NOT a chat she had at home.

It is now: because of girls on >sites< like >these< that used the journalling platform to discuss their personal experiences. I regarded a lot of women on those sites as a better mother than mine, because they taught me things about the female body that my mother didn’t. My mother being unable to discuss those things, bore no reflection on her as a parent (what person my age doesn’t think their parents were awful? A few of us think we had ‘fantastic parents’, and when you get to know those people well enough, they have problems of their own. Sometimes much more serious than my family’s problems.)

Some people learn about ‘this stuff’ – these forms of abuse – through genuine interests in the idea that abusing someone could be a sexual exchange between two people that love each other. I don’t have sex with people I’m not in love with. I have, before, and it was a huge regret. It’s a weird thing to do because you are attached to the people you have sex with for the rest of your life. Are you really ‘tired’? Don’t know why? There are explanations to your life problems that doctors do not give you.

I use a lot of energy to point and flex my feet. I am an introvert, so I GIVE energy when I’m around people. I lose energy when I am around extroverts, extroverts have LOTS of energy when they are around people like me and it weirds them out if I get sleepy. It’s how it is for me, if I am in the company of many.

If you have involved yourself in shadow societies after promising that you would sacrifice your life to ‘save the world’, and many people did selflessly agree to sacrifice themselves upon the promise that they intend to help bring the truth of reality to light, as well motivated as that decision might have been: you might be later, implicated as being amongst the criminals who were breaking laws. If you consciously broke laws or abused people because you wanted to prove something: tell the truth.

My advice to those who are motivated by resolving these issues, is not to be afraid by that which implicated you amongst the criminals that you sought to bring to some form of justice. If you committed an unjust crime, be honest about it to the right people. If you enjoyed it, be honest about it.

Do not pretend for a moment that a woman with the ability to access an angel collective that can access a universal consciousness to communicate solutions to problems that have troubled this World and the residents of it repeatedly and generationally is not a huge threat to World powers.

I know that she they need to know more, I get nothing at all and I have to wait to know what they feel about it.

The angels have used me to shout at my teachers. And my aunts. Once the angel Lucifer shouted at my aunt (a proven gifted psychic, with visitations from all sorts of beings documented in all sorts of religious texts: not a very nice person. Very into BDSM. I am not into BDSM. But if you are a nice/”submissive” person, AVOID people like that because they’ll abuse you. We can’t cope with one another but she is at times a more successful communicator. We have different aspirations in life. She could get away with confessing “Che Guevara got shot because my cousin misunderstood a comment he made”. Che Guevara would laugh. Che Guevara’s last attempt at a life is dating me but I don’t fancy him as much as he fancies himself. Also I bought him a present that he actually really wants.)

Once Abraham said to Esther “CAN KARINA HAVE ME WHEN YOU DIE?” (Esther had done something not-very-nice to me and that was the response.) Esther Hicks responded by asking me to vampire her. It is funny in hindsight, but at the time it is not funny. I imagine Esther was upset with Abraham for that. I imagine Esther now regards the memory with a sense of humour. That is how you create ‘stories’ to routinely tell, you live an experience, you react to it, you move on, you remember it, you react to the memory and after a time, you know how you ‘feel’ about it.

Abraham responded to me vampiring Esther, at the time, by getting rid of a few of my future children. A few of my future children and the company they’re keeping, wherever they are, responded by making sure everyone knows they’re meditating on being sexier versions of the selves that exist on Earth (remember, we are possibly about fourteen split-souls existing on one Planet.). They occasionally use me to choreograph their entrances back to Earth. People that have had chats with me will confirm that I know nothing about Physics and somehow knew about time/space dimensions and that it was possible for them to do that. There are people on that ship that I would comfortably shoot in the head. Somehow I know that I’m a very, very good shot.

You – universal you – do not compare with angels, or people I believe to be masters.

Esther as an individual living her PERSONAL LIFE, might not be very nice to people she ‘loves unconditionally’, but I believe she compensates for her personal-self with what she offers as a teacher and, we share values in so much that she knows when something is immediately-unacceptable. (A guy you very publicly fancied and consented to his coming over and ‘cuddling you’ while you were asleep had sleepy-sex with you? You’re in a sex cult? Thats your fault. | A guy you VERY publicly find unattractive got a tweet from you, and whom you believe to be a serial stalker/rapist sex-criminal – raped you? Allowed you to be made to look insane, abused taxpayer money to play sex games with you while you were sedated? Continued to abuse you when you clearly had PTSD, to cover-up a sordid pedophile/rape ring? That is NOT your fault and that needs to be proven so that it is indisputable in a court of law and most importantly so it is prevented from happening again.

(Everyone knows when I actually fancy someone. There is no room for ‘confusion’. I am not even a little bit subtle. I am obnoxious about crushes.)

We probably need to be specific about terms.

A thirteen or fourteen year old flirting with a teacher at school is something one frowns upon, a teacher that responds to a clever-witty-flirt isn’t a pedophile. Their loving partner might call them one in an ARGUMENT, but that doesn’t mean they are a pedophile, actually: to think so would be to insult people who have been victims of pedophiles. That probably isn’t something a teacher-being-flirted with would say to his partner.

Everyone enjoys being flirted with, and it really doesn’t matter who you’re flirting with. I promise you that even animals are flirts. Flirting does not indicate sexual attraction.
It is in it’s greatest form, a harmless art. People are very rarely compatible with one another verbally, and even more rarely are they compatible to be in a relationship of any kind. Don’t turn down a chance to harmlessly flirt with anyone. Especially if your lover of a million years is watching/listening. (Unless I fancy you in which case I will get really annoyed about it and you’ll have to accept that my being annoyed about it is an expression of love towards you and we are not talking for maybe a year/two years now.) (At least.)

A pedophile is a sex-criminal. These are men who endorse or involve themselves in acts that involve people who are regarded as too young to sensibly consent to sexual activity. (There are occasions in which a fourteen year old might really want to marry someone who is far older, there’s a correct way to do so, you tell adults. You are capable of discussing it sensibly. There are just signs that a person is mature enough to do that, it does happen, I am not referring to those instances. I am referring to instances whereby little girls are targeted specifically from infancy (sometimes by their GPs and doctors) for lives of abuse that begins in the earliest stages of infancy. I don’t know if you know: but there are children who are swapped around and who go missing in hospitals. There are children who are ‘aborted’ and then cultivated in secret labs, that they can grow into childhood. You really can’t assure yourself beyond doubt that abortion clinics aren’t used to create children that are intended for sexual slavery.

Sex criminals like to group amongst themselves, so as to protect one another.
This means that there are police men who are pedophiles.
There are fire men who are pedophiles.
There are doctors who are pedophiles.

They are taught/trained as to how to engage/connect with vulnerable people/victims of those crimes so as to ‘earn their trust’. Post-pedophilia victims are a TYPE. (again, no I do not mean girls/boys that ‘humped’ mums/dads leg or who like to flirt with mum/dad. It is a weird thing to do but your shadow self would admit “it makes mummy/daddy jealouse that you two have your own little rapport that excludes other mummy/daddy”)

If you have ever had counselling for this kind of abuse, then be certain that your PTSD ‘triggers’ are known to those professionals and many of them, if it proves lucrative (if you are ‘internet famous’,) are very prepared to sell you and your information on. Sometimes it is passed along harmlessly.

Some sex criminals also like to collect information on the victims of these crimes, and they arrange to have victims of those crimes followed. I mean: in life. They use apps like tinder to find boyfriend options specific to your personal variety of messed-up. Again, it is quite lucrative.

Some men predator very-specifically after little children who have very particular issues, and they immerse themselves in such sordid-shadow activity that they go to the extent of pursuing older women (arranging for them to be ‘caught out’ for raping an older woman) or embarrassing themselves so as to convey that they are ‘desperately’ attracted to those ‘older women’, to protect the pedophiles that they protect. Some kids do consent to flirting with older men, some kids are empathic and are attracted to the men that their mothers are attracted to, some kids lives are very carefully arranged so that they appear to be consenting, when they’re not.

Some kids have caught onto the jelly game and haven’t learned the rules. This is a whole other kind of fucked up, and sex-criminals are probably quite threatened by kids that shamelessly pursue the company of adults without influence. I don’t think it is a ‘bad thing’ when kids openly admit to fancying older men, actually I think it is a good thing if they tell everyone.


Some kids have seen so much stuff that they are mentally years old beyond their bodies, and they can’t connect with people their own ages. Some men are so attractive that women find it physiologically impossible to decline them sexually before getting to know them, and the only people they manage to have conversations with happen to be kids or people who aren’t sexually active and they end up being the only people that they can connect with. It is probably actually very painful for attractive men, that the only people they can have conversations with are young girls. I’ve an ex who is so stupid that he probably will HAVE to end up dating someone aged between sixteen and eighteen, and it won’t last for long because she, like I did, will erupt in rage at his stupidity.

I loathe to type anything like this, but I ask that you don’t compete with me, that you don’t cultivate that quality in future generations. Teach children to applaud one another and to value each other’s achievements and to compliment each other for their skills and to critique one another honestly. Do you have any idea how many people a teacher saves by criticising a student of theirs?

And if you believe yourself to be responsible over children who embody a child self of an “angel” do so responsibly. Your ‘friends’ will despise of you for it because when you meet ‘magical’ people, you know it. Their ‘friends’ will abuse them.

The reality is that you still don’t know what I am capable of. And I deserve better than people finding excuses to observe me without permission. I’m not a science experiment either. I probably don’t love you enough to perform catastrophic miracles because you ‘don’t love me back’. I have not been ‘loved back’ by any human being, throughout my entire life certainly not in a capacity that meets my own. If you abuse me, you cannot have a version of me, you cannot be trusted with gifted children. Sowwi

My sixty year old self, who showed me in a meditation, a temple full of children levitating cross legged. And one of her students was the future dalai lama.
(They fucked off somewhere. We know why. We’re saying nothing about it.)

(Sixty year old Louisi is here too and she prefers to say nothing whatsoever but she will edit. Karina to Louisi: you can tell which bits you’re writing here)

  • Do not do to others what you could not cope with having done to you. If you are ‘into’ spanking but you find it ‘humiliating’, don’t spank people. If you are ‘into’ spanking, for the love of Christ alfuckingmighty do NOT spank your kids. THEY KNOW YOU’RE INTO IT. Actually, I’ll tell you something: once my mother threatened to spank me and I LIED and told her I’d learned it was a ‘sex act’ at school. I was sick of being threatened with ‘smacks’. Sorry ma
  • If you like something, don’t pretend not to like it. You have the right to outgrow your tastes and change your mind. I enjoy rough sex. At nineteen I had sex with black guys that showed a lot of rough-sex promise. I was disappointed. I can take it from the back, if I do say so myself. I have had anal sex with a guy who boasted a ten inch penis. That is a very risky thing to do. I thought about it once recently enough, when I had sex with a guy I was in-love with and who was afraid he’d ‘rip my banjo string’. We don’t speak anymore. Obviously.
    I will probably thought-neg a sex partner who shows off about his sexual competence. I learned that men find me threatening and that they like hearing that they’re responsible for my ‘orgasms’, no, you’re not responsible for my ‘orgasms’, I have to use a lot of energy to be able to do that. I have to use very specific muscles in my body to be able to do that. You actually don’t have to do very much at all to make me orgasm and it’s possible to make me orgasm within a few minutes/seconds.
    I enjoy being what people perceive as sexually submissive. I don’t enjoy men telling me that I’m ‘frigid’ because they suck at foreplay. It’s not difficult, play with my hair and stroke me and tell me cute things. I’ll tell you I don’t remember how to ‘do it’. I know you like that.Does that invite the universal-you to ‘dominate’ me? No, because my sex life has nothing to do with my day-to-day life. Also doing so will probably ruin your life.And, furthermore, I actually have no sex life, because I don’t have an official boyfriend. (I have a few boyfriends but I’m trying to make them more affectionate and generous and thats how I talk to my boyfriends when I want them to be ‘more loving’. I am fucked up.) (It is subtle but I am fucked up.)
    OBVIOUSLY I’D LIKE SEVERAL BOYFRIENDS but I care about looks and there are no attractive men in Brighton. Another issue I have is that I ‘inspire’ some guys to express a side of themselves that most women can’t, if I like a man and he connects with me, and it makes you attracted to him, that is very nice. But you won’t be able to connect with him like I can. Likewise, you might meet a man that you are very compatible with and who connects with you, but doesn’t connect with me in the same way. I like VERY MEAN MEN who aren’t mean to me. But are mean to everyone else. That is a very simplified way of putting it but also it is a HUGE compliment if I find you attractive because I rarely find people attractive. I am attracted to genius, I am attracted to funny (funny is a form of genius, especially people who are funny without preparing a repertoire of jokes in advance.) (Avoid men who ‘learn to be funny’ so they can ‘dominate’ women.)
  • If you like someone, even if it is out of shyness, do not pretend not to ‘like them’
  • Do not pretend to ‘like’ people. It is possible to dislike people but ‘love’ them in some way. When I flirt with people, it is often expressed through exchanges of dislike and emotional exchanges. I can feel your feelings, it is a survival mechanism I evolved to have from being surrounded by compulsive liars and addicts. As an infant, the safest I ever felt was in the company of addicts. And they weren’t nice people. Nor was I. (I could mansplain my life to you “I got raped at three by a doctor.” “I did not get hugged afterwards.” “It wasn’t nice.” “I cope with the experience by anime-hentai-ing myself and enjoying my PTSD look” “I don’t mind if you are sexually attracted to me and you witness all of my weird, fucked up childhood moments because you were a child yourself and also if *I* found it arousing, and we are connected enough that I love you, you’ll have found it arousing too. Yes I exist in no small part to help people identify pedophiles, if you are GENUINELY sexually attracted to me you probably aren’t a pedophile. Even if you’re not, you probably still aren’t a pedophile. We have all been children, we have all had sexual interests as children, we have all been fascinated by the body and it is never as interesting to a person as it is in childhood.I will tell you what a pedophile is: a man who invests in and collects multimedia/photographs of little children in various states of undress or humiliation, a man who seeks the unsupervised company of little children (and then arranges to be filmed hanging out and being chill with little children because he’s just a cool guy.) (you know EXACTLY what I mean, not a man that kids find attractive and who actually helps kids who are in pain by making them laugh or by teaching them to be a bit meaner, not a man who mean-big-brother advises them out of a struggle or a man who kids trust enough to ask them to help them shit or to ‘take their rectal pain’ – I mean a man who really seeks out little children.
    Who finds specific kinds of victims and arranges for them to live difficult lives, in an attempt to replicate my life story and my admittedly unusual sexuality.Girls aged thirteen and up sexualise themselves, some of them are very young because they’ve lived sheltered and protected lives, some of them connect – I mean intellectually connect with men who are much older than them. Perhaps because they’ve spent their lives in the company of adults, or because they were raised by a single parent who treated them as an equal, if only because young parents fuck up and when you fuck up, your child is either your sibling or you pass them along to a better parent.Some people are aroused by extreme imagery and very frightening sexual exchanges, which are exchanged, sometimes, by consenting adults. Often these are people who have been very affected by seeing things that most people don’t see.
    Japan has plenty of fucked up art, there are school-girl-underwear kiosks. I would buy a pair of those just because of the novelty. (I’d rather photograph myself emulating a Japanese school girl, I keep saying, I find children REPULSIVE. I HATE THEM. Some occasionally, are cool. I’ve said that Louise Pentland’s daughter Darcy has had some very funny moments. Actually I felt we connected when the two of them knew that I wanted to buy a choker so that I’d be more attractive to a guy I liked for ten years, and she asked her mother if SHE could buy a choker (her mother HELL THE FUCK NOED HER, but in a sibling way, because the three of us fancied him and he was not interested in any of us but also Darcy looks exactly like him.) (I am not “talking” to either of them but that was a few years of my life that we non-physically hung out.)I imagine that it is very flattering to be the ‘mean’ guy that ugly-kids-that’ll-be-pretty-when-they’re-older can run to, who can protect them from mean people.It is a very specific type, women who have had my life experiences are a type. I am not ‘naive’ to the reality of it, we love very intensely and we’re a lot of fun because not-much scares us and we have probably witnessed so many traumas that there is a very notable ‘inner child’ aspect of us. It is a type that men have observed, because of me and many women before me. And they do perpetuate it, but it is wealthy men that do that. I am avoiding being specific but I don’t really believe I need to be.There are tell-tale signs, of girls/boys who are victims of these kinds of pedophiles: they have very difficult lives and they are segregated from their families. They have lots of ‘visits’ from representatives of the government/the NHS, they have ‘friends’ who are affiliated with the police. I assure you that these kids are playing stupid. I had many women attempt to get me to ‘admit’ that I was being abused without being obvious about it. At about six or seven years old a woman showed me an art book that depicted a statue of two people having sex, she asked if I knew what it was. I said “no” because I was a bit of a dick and I wanted to see if she’d use the WORDS. She said they were having a special ‘cuddle’.
  • I was no longer able to trust that woman, the wife of a priest, because I knew she was a liar. I was still very nice to her but I avoided her.
  • Kids don’t need to be coddled by women who act nice so that their husbands find them more attractive. Actually they know you’re doing it, even the three years olds that perform speech impediments and act stupid. They identify somewhere in the few years of life they live that you are endeared to them. SOME OF THEM ARE GENUINELY THAT CUTE but warning of sorts – you are capable of being your opposite and so is that SUPER CUTE LOVELY ADORABLE SWEETYPOOS. And if they identify that they’ll be punished for expressing their true feelings, they’ll go on to identify how to hurt you without being cruel, or vindictive, or nasty.
  • Some people connect, through vastly different ages, I mean they really connect in some way. That doesn’t mean I endorse sexual exchanges between children and adults, because I really fucking don’t. I make jokes about kids flirting with their parents because they do. I didn’t flirt with my parents because I hated my parents. Sometimes I had very meaningful exchanges with both of my parents and
  • They should be able to have conversations in the open. There is nothing wrong with that.
  • The Virgin Mary was probably under sixteen when she had sex with Joseph for the first time. This was in a time period where people publicly attended stoning rituals in which women were buried in the ground and had stones thrown at them until they died. These people lived seeing tragedies. Crucifixion was a public event.
  • Don’t tell lies. If a man in a charity shop says “Whats yer name?” and you ask “you don’t know my name?” and they say “no” and you reply “Oh, well in that case my name is Miss Merriwether”, it is a lie but he knows you’re lying.
  • Do not abuse people and expect not to be abused back. Growing up, I was bitched about by EVERYONE I knew, friends/people I hadn’t noticed existed, and I didn’t care at all. I didn’t retaliate. I didn’t dwell on it. It didn’t affect me at all. If I abuse someone, it is because they have abused me first. Be certain of it. Don’t involve yourself in my decisions.
    Something something Aristocats, Ladies don’t start fights but they do finish them. It was a HUGE meme.
  • To L “He who strikes first wins”, it really depends on what matters to you. And in my story it most certainly isn’t true. S/He who strikes SECOND wins. For example: if you don’t win but you oppose a master, you learn from the master. If you keep losing you develop a talent for strategy. You learn not to dwell on ‘losing’, you learn to ask yourself “WHY did I lose”.

    Or do it your way. My way leads you to immortality, meditations with Gods, Angelic beings – I was raised in a Christian home, and every night my mother called the angels in. “You humans, they’d say, still believe that humans are the greatest source of Evil to exist. And you are mistaken” and aliens, communicating with animals (This year: maggots, spiders – master manifesters – birds – a cameo from some very confused ferrets, their mother called me alpha and that created a lot of issues for people who pride themselves on mind-controlling animals. People who do that should not be allowed to have animals at all.) and affecting the Planet’s rate of evolution without any help whatsoever. Raise your hand if I taught you how to use the toilet. Some people would think that was well-funny, but there are a lot of people who were never toilet trained who I am probably a God of sorts to because they’re not petrified everytime they use the toilet.

    If you have kids and you think it’s funny that I toilet trained your kids, I assure you that a DNA test with the SES will confirm that you really aren’t their mother/father. Sorry.

    L studies martial arts but he could not have studied with a master, he probably learned watching youtube. When you accept a master in martial arts, you are taught that you can ONLY use the knowledge in SELF DEFENCE.

 

Categories
Uncategorized

TMPLR

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Once as a child I was playing with a little boy and two girls, and he knelt on the ground the way I had to when I was in pain. I said to him “You need to go to the toilet.” – I really wasn’t making fun of him but we had been teasing him. That’s how I’d learned to talk to boys from hanging out with guys that played games like Final Fantasy and are why there are people MY age that make money from playing games.

It feels like you’re stopping flatulence from coming out of your body or having spasms from needing to take a shit but really you’re resisting something from going inside your body. It takes a person like me to say that with this much confidence.

It takes a person proving that it is possible to be a medium for all of the women made to feel stupid for going to psychics for hope that their lives might ‘get better’, when they were made to feel like the psychics that had so much truth to share were liars after their money (why don’t you assume that the people saying things like that to you could be the liars?) their readings being heard by unintended, unpaying audiences. You sitting in on a person’s reading means you’re stealing energy from the two consenting participants and it is theft.

Islam punishes theft by cutting off a limb, and I am becoming an advocate for this.

Categories
BRIGHTON Nagging WIDT

KNGHTSTMPLR13

I’ve had a productive day and the laxative I took yesterday hasn’t worked. Apparently you’re supposed to take another but if you have this condition in the long term it’s a bad idea. Your body starts to rely on the laxatives. If you take a laxative just before you manage to go and your stomach is empty – then you get serious cramps. Actually if you’ve ever wanted to know what period cramps feel like, it’s like that.

The level of friendship between my audienceship (I was delighted to learn that a viewer read my blog yesterday) and myself has sort of evolved into an exchange about my bowel movements.

We’re in the over-familiar stage of relationship territory. We’re basically related now. Nono, yes.

I say this laughingly but actually toilet jokes and that humour in general grosses me out. I have momentum about speaking about this while it’s bothering me, while I try to sort it out again and I know that there are other people who suffer this that don’t have the guts that I do, to discuss it. Some people are triggered by toilet talk and it isn’t because they demand a super-human-feminine-performance from other human beings. It’s cos it’s a very real form of suffering.

You could be having the time of your life but this is the most like, silent (stop) form of bio-torture you can imagine.

I will stop writing about it because I want to manifest health but my intention really is that other people acknowledge that it’s technically a disability if you shit less frequently than a day or two apart.

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This is a thing I did today, to be productive, for my future self. If you want something to do, find a site that lets you do a thing you like to do and be your most unboring self on it. my most unboring self warns you that it is a mess and it doesn’t meet her standards of graphic design at all but my heart is warmed by my own note to myself so I’m inclined to share. I mean um. Do your future self a favour today. It could be organising a stocking/hosiery drawer. Not that millennials have those. (No, I don’t have one of those. I would like to.)

Bigcartel is one of those customisable sites that let people sell things. I wanted to make a depop account but apparently the entire universe wouldn’t let me do that, so I mosied on over to Bigcartel who are apparently doing a lowkey beta test thing, so you can sign up for a shop for FREE. I actually think that Bigcartel is quite a chic little site for selling things on. This is a designer I like who uses Bigcartel to sell clothes I have dreamt of buying for years and years and years of my life. If you are a weeb, you will like her clothes. 

She is famous because the oui/non tshirts were her thing. This is the director Sofia Coppola in one of those tshirts. Sofia C. directed a lot of films that a lot of trendy hipsters like and that a lot of under twenty-fives don’t know about. My favourite of her films are Marie Antoinette and the Virgin Suicides.

Sofia Coppola is in no small part responsible for Instagram Pastel Goths.

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In the Fashion World it is a big deal if you start or bring in a trend. Eeeven if the trend is leggings or wedges or ballet buns.

I was thinking of this L’ecole Des Femmes dress

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(which I bought after thinking about it for a million yearws) when I bought…

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Didyoureadthispostabout

The most beautiful bag in the World?

I am actually rarely taken by handbags. This handbag is my favourite ever.

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Categories
PINK WIDT

CEERWEEAL

How do you inoffensively write a speech impediment?

The video above is a montage of >> Cheese << dialogue, a character
from the kids show on Cartoon Network called Foster's Home for
Imaginary Friends. Kindly uploaded by @Sara Nelowe

Here is a screenshot taken from his >> wikia page. <<

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It is 7 minutes to 3AM. My sleeping habits have changed, are not at all in keeping with what society would deem appropriate but certainly, I have improved energy levels. I’m having a cup of Cookie cereal and I think hemp milk. I can’t remember, we’ve about four different kinds of milk in the fridge downstairs (only one of which came from a cow – and that is because I’m having a desert making moment. I’m in a trial and error phase and it’s fantastic because it’s opening all these neural pathways in my mind and that is very, very exciting to me as a person who identifies as a problem solver and strategist by nature.) and the non-dairy kinds all taste the same to me, differing only in that I like the sweeter ones more.

peach is a shade of orange not pink

(I’m also a *ridiculous* multitasker – as in my brain is thinking towards many things at once. Not all of them academically inclined but all of them are always most definitely artistically inclined.)

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(I’m creating a categorised system within my note keeping, which is otherwise entirely confusing and a lot of good stuff gets completely lost. A word came to my mind as I was writing this blog post and I had to make a note of it. I’ve had a tab up on my browser about archivists for awhile )

This is what my browser tab looks like.

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If my life were a cinematic, a detail oriented/visual narrator type of media student would suggest that the detailing of my tabs probably signifies how I am constantly thinking – all the time. A spiritual person would probably say that my compartmentalised innerbeing’s ADHD is where confusion came in as to my preferred meditation methods.

I woke up shortly before midnight, after taking a nap beside >> El Tintino << (I’ve neglected his twitter but I think it is forever meta appropriate, if you’re inclined to understand his personality) and interestingly enough, he woke me up, without touching me at all – I opened my eyes and I saw he was looking at me. I said “PEEPEE?” and his ears propped up in an acknowledging but in-desperate “yes.” If he had been desperate, he’d of jumped up and off my bed and ran towards my bedroom door. In light of him not being desperate, I grabbed him for a cuddle (which was really that guilt ridden habit that originates for me, as the five minute  to fifteen minute to half an hour moment in which you plead with yourself as you might’ve done as a child being woken up before having to go to school) and drifted into a little sleep with him beneath my duvet. Ofcourse I later took him downstairs, came back up and listened to h3h3 (I LOVE their purple velvet sofa and the mis en scene) (and working out how Ethan would be if he enlisted in the Israeli military the way his wife Hila did – I also think it’s brave that he talks about God a lot – it is actually very brave for any Jewish person to discuss or allude to a belief in God at all. And their viewers are cruel sorts.) (I admire bravery in all forms) (He reminds me a little bit of a comedy character an acquaintance and I wrote about, based on an assistant teacher who was in charge of my sixthform’s trip to Uganda. He was a fun person to irritate and very inspiring. I later wrote a script for a two to five minute webisode at University. I’ll upload it, I really ought to.)

AND I STITCHED. I’m making a mobile. I mean I have the makings of a mobile in my head. Not because I am infant crazy but because I’ve always obsessed over them as sculptural pieces.

I’m listening to a lot of debates, conferences and discussions amongst literary types. Really in an effort to teach myself how to speak again. I enjoy hearing writers speak, because they put so much of themselves into structuring the delivery of a single sentence. I imagine it’s a kind of compulsion – there was a moment in which a lady discussed it in this video that I’m currently listening to as I author this post, that she witnessed Professor Germaine Greer’s dedication to conveying messages in beautifully written sentences for her books.

Professor Germaine Greer meets the Archivists
uploaded by @The University of Melbourne

I’m moved by Mr Lachlan Glanville’s speech, I’ve only just begin to watch it but as I’ve written many times, a sentence or a ‘mere’ few words can really trigger a very comprehensive thought journey of sorts and in this he discusses that a redefinition of rape is necessary in society. And it is true: I believe that administering any kind of penetration that has not been expressly consented to is for all intents and purposes, rape. For example – an injection that has not been consented to, is rape.

Here is something worth noting to myself: I enjoy paragraphs in which the use of tense – that is past/present/future interchanges and carries no consistency – I can’t cope with it in a sentence yet but in a paragraph, it is interesting. Perhaps that is my inner science fiction buff being seduced by the idea of a narrator, for example, playing with the concept of time travel as they write. It is grammatical incorrectness but don’t you think that there has to be some kind of artistic evolution in literacy?

The question is rhetorical, you give a reader too much significance by encouraging them to think that their opinion can validate or otherwise discredit yours. But I love a good conversation, I find those are lacking in my home.

Categories
WIDT

Le Kitchen

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I love in-oven shots.

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RECIPE

Almond Oil, Apple, Double Cream, Garlic, Leek, Lemon, Mint, 
Paprika, Red Onion, Sausages, Sesame Seeds, Spring Onion and 
[a fresh] Tomato

table

A decanter? As a vase? Really? Really. MADNESS.
Ma is somewhat of a plants-dedicate and she doesn’t appreciate the lugubriousness of flowers. She associates them with death. My spiritual teacher Lisa, when I lived with her, had beautiful flowers brought to her weekly by her now-husband: a teacher for school children. It was charming to witness. I don’t think a man has ever bought me flowers without spending my own money, ha. British men… (I dated a dual heritage half Egyptian half Irish boy that lived on a council estate in East London for four years, he bought me a few gifts, and the most treasured was a perfect jewellery box from a charity shop in Ireland – I am not resentful towards him for having never brought me flowers.) (If he came across this he’d roll his eyes and think ‘she’s kitchen sinking again’ – I’m ACTUALLY NOT. I STOPPED PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY ADDRESSING YOU YEARS AGO. I LITERALLY USE OUR ETERNAL CONNECTION TO MAKE MEN JEALOUS, OKAY) (“knew it” he’d say – but also privately not believe me.)

I’m sitting in the kitchen, editing a little music video of sorts that I intend to call “painting un marguerites pourpre”; as I prepare lunch. By the way, that should translate to Painting the Daisies purple, google is being a little unreliable today. As I posted previously, I’ve introduced a French Poodle called M’sieur Hugh Le Poodle to Miss Kittie’s entourage of co-characters.

My company in the kitchen as I type, is three chihuahuas who are very keenly and efficiently supervising the preparation of my meal and a glass of ‘cucumber infused’ water.

It reminds me of >> ‘tereré’. << In Paraguay there is a cold drink prepared that has a mixer (often water), it’s intended to be refreshing. It is a mixture of herbs, leaves and mostly anything that adds some flavour. It is drunk through a metal straw, that acts as a sieve – filtering out the excess of herbs etc. Typically you refill the cup, and reuse the spices and herbs in the drink.

Paraguay is a country situated in south to central America, it is very hot and very humid and people seldom drink hot drinks as they do in the United Kingdom. Perhaps to some extent that might be a disclaimer of sorts as to why my family and myself do not often reach for tea. Tea and Hot Chocolate are drinks you have at tea parties and typically at night time. It is not a casual affair, a lot of preparation is put into those drinks: typically at my Grandmother’s friend’s (Latina socialites…) I recall that hot drinks would be served in teapots not directly out of a kettle, dulce de leche, powdered milk – etc.

The success of the video project is undetermined – I’m not sure that children’s paint is the best tool for painting flowers by osmosis – though I imagine the Queen of Heart’s knaves would disagree. I had a little help from Levi to compose a song for it and it is so pretty. It’s in A Minor; (the very saddest key) I used the ‘delicate bells’ option on GarageBand and played around with the tempo. Inspired by the children’s song: “London’s burning, London’s burning”, and a scene from Spinal Tap.

The upload above features a scene from the film Spinal Tap - a backup
singer and guitarist in the band performs a delicate piano piece 
called 'Lick my Love Pump'. It was uploaded by @Nathan Noah

 

Here is the original sample, of a song I channelled Levi to play – that I then played with on Final Cut Pro.

My brother was training to be a sound engineer, drug dealers abused him out of his equipment – one time I took a song I’d made to a show and tell. No one seemed to like it so I thought it must’ve been awful.

Here is how my Final Cut Pro screen is looking.

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This morning, for the third day in a row – I took Tintin on a six am walk to the local park. I was still fully made up from shooting my video and donning the very fullest eyelashes you’ve ever seen. I came back and had to hoover – imagine hoovering at six thirty in the morning. And ma’s dyson hoover is AUDIBLE. I’m not used to traipsing muddy parks (although I did used to go on one to two hourly walks in Farnham, daily, twice a day… I didn’t experience dried mud latching itself to the crevices of my boots – more often than not I wore Moccasins or Vans and they are better suited to mud than Doc Martens. Doc Martens deserve better treatment than mine are getting but I like them to look battered.)

I won’t link the video here but I heard a strange faux edit of an Esther Hicks video where she said something like “Oprah won’t even let us appear on her show because we’re too weird”… Esther Hicks and Oprah are very deeply connected – Oprah was a long time fan of Esther Hicks, and Esther Hicks a long time fan of Oprah also. There is a video that lasts for approximately an hour and a half where Oprah interviews Esther Hicks at great depths about the Art of Manifestation. There is a section on Esther Hicks’ website where you can access original edits of her talks and I would strongly recommend that you do so. These were convincing edits, kudos to the remix squad – because it was not a one man job. No woman would do that.

Today, luncheon is sausages and some left over sauce I made a day or two ago.

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Actually – it is so much more than that.

Amongst this oven din (it’s an alternate word for ‘noise’) is those richmond sausages I’ve enjoyed since I was a teenager, not finely-chopped garlic, lemon seasoned with copious dried mint, onion, apple, leeks, spring onion I believe, and almost the very last of my Israeli Argan Oil. And I’ve thrown in some paprika too. A lot actually.

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And I’ve learned something – if you don’t like to smell of meat – if I do not eat a diet of mostly meat, my body suffers for it – put mint with your cooking. It overpowers the smell of flesh and tastes good with *everything*.

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I’m sort of the Bubba of pork goods, you know how he spends his entire military service describing the various and many methods of preparing shrimp?

This is one of my favourite scenes ever.

My favourite line is: “in the sea of mediocrity, I can be anything! Anything I want to beeeeeeeeeeeee”

I feel like, if Kanye and I had joined the army together – I’d be Bubba and he’d be Forest. Literally, Donda is Forest Gump’s mother. I wish Bubba’s mother was mine but there’s a scene where she says “I guess” – when Kanye (I mean Forest) says “Stupid is as stupid does” – I think about it often. It touched me. Not literally. Figuratively. Psychically.

But he could never join the army. He’s too famous. >:)

This may or may not be something only seasoned (see what I did there, aren’t I clever) Adobe users might be aware of, but CS6 is a superior version of Photoshop to CC – although I like the CC because I associate it with my spiritual teacher Lisa, Coco Chanel and Capsule Corps. The raw edit function was better, it was also much more fun to edit .JPGS. I miss having a 20d. Camera speak.

Categories
Uncategorized

BE YE WICKED? THIS I MIGHT LEARN TO RESPECT. BUT YE NEED REST

I don’t for a minute believe that the GQ office staff have the time nor the inclination to check to any kind of great depth everything that appears from an outsourced advertorial sponsor – that generates adverts based on the search terms used by individuals that peruse the articles on their site, as I sometimes do.

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I clicked the third of these options ‘recommended’ by a company called ‘outbrain’. I don’t know who owns outbrain but I know they use a lot of what I imagine are stock images

(By the way – the eggs-linked-to-diabetes post – took me to an article that I won’t post here, but at the bottom there was a disclaimer that this wasn’t a news article at all. Initially they used the term ‘Shen Nong’, as the name for a herbal remedy that was supposedly being advertised as a herbal remedy for people taking metformin (a thyroid medication) and/or other diabetes medication.

I googled Shen Nong and I got a wikipedia page – that said that Shen Nong was a Chinese deity. All the screen shots depicted were taken from >> “Shennong’s” wikipedia page. <<

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I think that its possible the individual who authored this page confused the words ‘mythical’ with ‘fictional’, they mean two different things, friend

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Here are some of Shen Nong’s credentials:

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(Did Shen Nong invent the shovel???) “well known” as the first Emperor of Ancient China – he invented farming tools *AND* HERBS.

THAT IS NOT A MURAL.

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What herbs did Shennong domesticate??

I got some other results that I wasn’t even remotely convinced by, amongst those an allusion to a television tower that didn’t appear on google maps. Do you KNOW HOW PROUD THE CHINESE ARE OF THEIR ARCHITECTURE?! AND THEIR DEITIES? THEY HAVE SO MANY DEITIES THEY COULDN’T EVEN BEGIN TO LIST THEM ALL ON WIKIPEDIA OKAY. THEY CONSIDER THEIR ANCESTORS OF OVER 50 GENERATIONS (WHICH THEY PROBABLY STILL HONOUR AT MEAL TIMES) TO BE DEITIES – SORT OF.)) (I am one of those AZN obsessives, I will never not be a little bit racist to cope with how much I resent that I am not AZN.) (It is a true hardship)

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My favourite bit is the bit at the bottom which says that Outbrain has a ‘firm’ policy against “fake news”.

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Actually that is a really immersive and drawn out little game for any advertising company or even a reuters kind of company to engage in – monopolising lots of google search terms to teach people first hand how easy it is to lie on the internet. That is amongst the many reasons I am so glad that I have cultivated a heart felt blog, with all of my family issues, weird photos and other kinds of content that would of made me unemployable a million years ago. You’d think that the only job I couldn’t do at this point was being an agent for the secret services but that’s incorrect. I won’t say why.

Also it is neither here nor there but a first edition, of a book published in 1981, that is leather bound and gold embossed – for less than a tenner? MOTHER FUCKING BARGAIN

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May I suggest some other books about the Chinese Identity as recommended by >> waterstones << at least some of which have been authored by people whose names also sound AZN

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I’ve made a habit of being quite kind to people who I felt were truly sticking up for their heritage and generational abuse or type casting, for example, in the media by making of the person responsible for whatever racially motivated hardships they experienced in their lives or their careers.

This is for people that choose to single out one person – that genuinely really didn’t have anything to do with your personal struggle.

Sometimes you are perpetuating the nonsense that people associate with your culture or heritage by being a dick, and you might be empowered by the fact but there will be other people who are not and who will suffer for your mistake.

Conversely – sometimes you are teaching people it is okay to be a dick. And sometimes it really is okay to be a dick, such as when you are defending yourself.

If I am a dick – it isn’t from nowhere. It is something of a feeling that has built up over a very, very long time. It is out of a personal insult. It is a response to something you did or said.

Don’t compare yourself to me. And don’t make yourself look like a victim, don’t manipulate people in benefit of your cause. For example – people used to assume that I was caucasian. I’m not at all – if I’m really related to my parents – I’m unsure – I’m part Arabian, part Mexican, part Italian blahblahblah. I have no cultural identity whatsoever. And I’m glad of it. It meant that my identity could be built from something that actually had meaning to me, and my own personal struggles and not that of a culture I don’t seem to understand or truly value at all. I resent the sexism associated with Arabs, even when their culture is matriarchal – I resent that a lot of Mexicans are criminals that kidnap little children that visit the country on holiday – I resent that my Italian grandfather was so highly regarded as a diplomat but actually treated his daughters and catholic wife like shit. His wife was not perfect at all, she was an orphan who was forced upon a wife who had her sent away to Texas for boarding school. She went to finishing school and married the son of one of the greatest men that have ever lived (in my opinion.) and she probably had a lot of serious psychiatric problems that now run in the women of my family. But she was a devout catholic and she never remarried and had to be okay with keeping the family name of a guy who left her for a woman that looked – I swear to God – like an actual human-pig hybrid. Only one of her children actually looks like her, and she’s fine with the insult, she can afford plastic surgery. Paraguay has some of the best plastic surgeons in the World. It’s okay – I was the ugly child in the family too. But that cousin will confirm that being the ugly one means that you develop other qualities – she’s a poet. She was kind enough to arrange for one of her poetry books to be sent over, written in spanish. I don’t speak spanish – it was the first language I had learned and it meant I wasn’t able to communicate with my ‘dad’, and I only ever saw my siblings asking him for cash so that was one of our first communicative exchanges. I’m somehow made responsible for my mother’s dark sense of humour (which I am grateful to have inherited.) The other one looks nothing like either of her parents. I mean you can teach a diplomat many things but apparently studying biology is difficult for our family.

I’d prefer to think of myself as Israeli, I’ve certainly been publicly outspoken even if the consequences of the fact resulted in my being bullied, even by people that I had shared food with (when I had no money to be doing something like that at all) – but the embassy haven’t even acknowledged my emails. My family are the reason Israelis have a home.

If your family make it okay for one another to abuse and mistreat you, everyone else will do the same. That is why I aspire to at some point be a templar, because once your karma/the script of your life is fucked, there’s no going back – unless everyone that abused you apologises for doing it.

There’s this epic Lord Byron quote that can be applied to anyone that has been victimised or mistreated, I reblogged it on tumblr – it is the only Byron I’ve ever read. I appreciate a beautiful guy with a beautiful name. Something like – to punish or to forgive – both are inevitable – but which comes first?

I have a song for how I feel about this nonsense - 
uploaded by @BlameSociety.

This song by Chad Vader is great. Chad Vader is a reference to what
became of Anakin. He fell into a burning pit of fire, was given a 
new body and became a dark lord sith. I mean he wasn't THE darkest
of the dark lord siths but you'd have to understand how the Illuminati
works to be able to even vaguely comprehend the nature of a very
intricate narrative like that - you'd have to understand the nature
of our existence. And it is difficult to do so if you're uneducated.

Your struggles for power through monopoly (the acquisition
of imagined power through fame, selling commodities and/or natural
resourches that the people (confused for 'the consumers') have
been taught that they really need to survive, and hoarding wealth -
rather than using it to stimulate an economy of hard working civilians
who need you to spend your money in order to fucking LIVE -

The 'universal' you that get your Illuminati tattoos and throw the 
word around in association with earthly tragedies - you're not wrong
but you're also not right, at all - and people who believe themselves
to be in power are:
deeply 
deeply
deeply

amusing to people who truly, truly understand the
Illuminati. You cannot progress to any kind of power until you have
learned how to love. And how to love begins with loving yourself.
That begins with having decent parents who have learned to love
themselves - and that is a struggle - when you are bombarded with
media that sells you things to make you feel prettier, to make you
feel like you fit in with everyone else. When you follow a standard
that makes you believe you are 'professional' - also a visual
standard that has been sold to you for the benefit of a very select
economy that no one in the Illuminati cares for, outside of ensuring
that people are not being sold harmful products.

The original Chocolate rain song is by @Tay Zonday. Tay has a strong
and decent voice but treated himself as somewhat of a novelty, rather
than realising how much potential he had - he could've actually
trained to sing opera and earned much more than his YouTube videos
ever could've paid him. He could've done a service to the Black
Panthers by being one of the best black opera singers (do you
personally know of any by the way?) that has ever lived.
He chose YouTube fame.

I may well be the only person to have ever told him that he was 
capable of something like being an opera singer, the only person who
had developed enough maturity to see beyond what was funny about this
deeply, deeply autistically produced video that even Kanye West saw.





This is a song by Rihanna that Kanye made-good. It's called
"Shine Bright Like a Diamond". 

Diamonds mean a lot to me - first of all because of the blood diamond
trade. These still exist - diamonds that cost miners their lives.
Diamonds which are sometimes kept by jewellers, to control the diamond
market, but which are sold to fund acts of terrorism in countries 
which have huge news that never gets publicised. I mean when I was
visiting a genocide memorial in Rwanda, during a particular week of
reverence and memorial - an 'anniversary' of sorts - moments after I
left, a grenade was lobbed over the wall. There was a newspaper beside
me on a bus once, that said toddlers had been crucified because they
practiced black magic. 

Diamonds mean a lot to me because one time I was pregnant, awaiting an
abortion and I went on a drive with a 'friend' and his family - and my
eyesight is so poor I saw the road glisten and made a journal entry
with Indian ink that read 'Diamond Roads'.

Here is that journal entry. I was nineteen at the time.

diamondroads.jpg

Diamonds mean a lot to me because a psychic called Shannon that I
met in a psychic shop in Farnham - once said, to me, that
the Pyramids around the World are believed to be triangles but infact
the architecture is mirrored under ground. So they are pyramids that
point up, but also pyramids that go into the ground. 

Diamonds mean a lot to me because I learned from a Dan Brown novel,
the protagonist - a symbology professor - discussed that the use of
an upwards triangle represents that which is masculine. So - the
idea of masculinity is represented through science and knowledge - and
balanced by the upside down triangle which represents that which is
feminine. Femininity being represented by wisdom.
The star of David is these two triangles combined - that is - the 
concept of truth must align with both aspects of the inner self. We
must be both of those pyramids to be a balanced individual, and that
much is true I think of anything. And it is a truth that is made
present in many individuals - an excessively effeminate man who
performs "campness" because that is how he feels to physically use
his body and who possesses a nasty side that is very logical and
very cruel and who might be very scientifically gifted or minded.

In me - I identify as a male who was sort of trapped in a female body
and doesn't have much issue with it because he probably would've had
a sex change anyway. Genuinely.

I first came across the Rihanna song in a psychiatric ward. 
I am not a Rihanna fan, but I can appreciate when anyone makes a song
that is good. 

I got put in there because I smoked a legal
high - I couldn't find a drug dealer to give me weed to kill the 
constant pain I was in. I spent my birthday and Christmas in a
psychiatric ward. My Grandfather died, I didn't even get given a
cigarette break. The people working in psychiatric wards are some of
the most fucked up, shitty people you can imagine. They dispense
medication their patients don't need because they're told to do it.

This version is WAY better. Uploaded by GoodLyricsHD



I'd brought along some poorly made Mary-Jane
shoes and I bought the song on iTunes, I heard the words Mary Jane
just as I slipped mine on. I almost cried. 

Screen Shot 2019-01-08 at 04.16.05.png
[a still taken from a lyric video uploaded by GoodLyricsHD]

I walked to a park and I listened to this song on repeat -
sat by a bench - I had a fifteen minute break from a drug induced
sleep in my room. I took iPhone photos of a heron. I'd never even
seen a heron before. I walked back to my room and the Mary Janes had 
given me bleeding blisters on the ankles of my feet and I didn't
even feel the pain because the song made me that happy.

Has a song ever made you feel that much? Has anything? That is
power to me - to experience pain and then moments later - to 
experience true happiness from enjoying Art.

I don't hear voices, I only hear a permanent ringing in my ear, from
tinnitus. 

I want Chad Vader to teach me how to be funny, in character. But
I have noticed, that people either don't find my jokes funny - don't
share my sense of humour - or otherwise don't enjoy validating women
by laughing at their jokes. Are prepared to expend great energy into
repressing a well deserved laugh. 

I've learned that people don't realise when I'm trying to be funny
and that my jokes require a lengthy explanation and disclaimer.



This is a video of a Bill Hicks speech, a really important one.
Apparently it was uploaded by Bill Hicks.

'It is just a ride' is a metaphor for life.
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Trevor Brown

https3A2F2Fassets1.ello_.co2Fuploads2Fuser2Fcover_image2F3295422Fello-optimized-1d79eff5
[ref]

aw man. Loooove herrrrr

Wearing her afro comb like it’s a necklace. Wait i’ll get my tangle teaser and make a response to this

Screen Shot 2018-12-17 at 14.36.28.png

#histangleteaser #herafrocomb

DONT WORRY TREVOR. I DONT WANT YOU TO FLIRT BACK. DONT BOTHER.

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A STARBUCKS DATE

An old blog entry

REPLACE NAMES

Fairy boy was a guy I knew and fancied in primary school. If you knew his name you’d laugh.

[private post]00000093

Karina says: (23:22:07)
I sent a message
Karina says: (23:22:10)
to fairy boy earlier

Karina says: (23:22:11)
and hes not replied

Karina says: (23:22:14)
dickhead

Karina says: (23:22:20)
I spent so long

Karina says: (23:22:24)
trying to make it seem casual

Karina says: (23:22:39)
this is the story of my life

erd says: (23:23:05)
huh

erd says: (23:23:09)
what did you send

Karina says: (23:23:12)
hahahaha….

Karina says: (23:23:28)
‘hey there, are you still up for hot chocolate next week? How does friday evening sound?’

Karina says: (23:23:51)
i spent about an hour writing that.

erd says: (23:24:03)
why?

erd says: (23:24:08)
it’s not bad either

Karina says: (23:24:10)
um

Karina says: (23:24:14)
i know right?!!?

Karina says: (23:24:18)
because i want to go out

Karina says: (23:24:21)
for hot chocolate

Karina says: (23:24:22)
… with fairy boy

erd says: (23:26:54)
you’re so weird sometimes

 

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C H A T S I N 2 0 3 0

I feel like this was an important conversation to filter into the mass consciousness for so, so many reasons and maybe it’ll make even more sense in years to come. I really appreciate that Kanye mentioned the stigma attached to mental health – and perhaps that’s because I was called crazy a lot – but it was only through experiencing my own mental breakdown/through that I realised (and actually managed to prove in pretty terrifying ways – remember, a psychiatrist documented me saying “someone is about to die” and moments later a person had strangled herself – and that was really the most basic of things that were observed about me in that environment) that my experience of reality involves a connection far beyond the one that any kind of attachment to the laws of any given physical reality can even begin to make sense of.

I feel like Kanye has perhaps managed to heal in a way that it isn’t my personal purpose to and I admire that.

I’ve spent my life letting things go and rising above – never actually confronting what was done to me. Never demanding the apology I deserved.

The best and worst thing was that the people that called me names and bitched about me throughout my life, know that I have all of the abilities that I ever claimed (and more) and they haven’t even had the courage to say “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you” or “I’m sorry for the part I had to play in making your life so hard – thanks for making mine so fucking magical”

Or y’know, a simple “sorry for fucking your boyfriend &/or stealing from you &/or telling lies about you &/or telling your deepest personal secrets”
“thanks for making school/college/university so exciting”

In 2030 I imagine some kind of University reunion where someone might garner the guts to say “so what’s it like being a vampire?” (and I’d say “Iunno we’ll talk about it in your next life”) to ask me how I am I’ll whip out whatever technology is around at the time and play them this

Here’s Kanye’s energy and light work coming through (an hour or so into this interview) and a thought journey with Lisa. I get thoughts of the people I’ve known (people who, friends or not I’d have stuck up for if they were being bullied – even if they were talking about me behind my back) and family I’ve known, the people who gassed/drugged and raped me and she gently pushes them all to the side of my mind and says “that was a past life”


But before I accept walking into my “next life” – a step up on the food chain. (Funny, I remember this line from a film, I think – you’re either a predator or prey.) I want to create a kind of timeline for you.

A LONG time ago – in my very early teens and before I actually ever understood the concept of energy (so, think along the lines of – some other me occupying my body to tell this story) I was walking with an ex, a female version of me in a boys body. We were walking from his house to the train station and I was telling him a story.
I said that there was a group of girls who hired a girl to help them save various men in their lives that were being used as energy sources. In this story, I said that this girl’s motive for helping was that her brother was on death row – and in this story-universe, the equivalent of death row was people being used as sources of energy.
Her incentive was that she wanted to save her brother.
Whenever I listened to music I’d close my eyes and I’d picture this same kind of story in all sorts of pretty cinematic equivalents. Any character I identified as myself was always the one that was left behind, the only one who could really defend herself anyway. Some ridiculous self sacrifice. Often, it was just an exchange of a scroll.


In my first year of university I had said to my friends “I’m going to be a drug dealer next year.” They all told me not to do it, told me that I couldn’t do it etc. The general shit little boys say to little girls before they steal their idea. ALL these boyfriends ended up doing what I wanted to do. I didn’t do it. If I’d of just done it, I’d be in a very very different place right now. I’d probably be extremely wealthy actually, and I wouldn’t of had to of come back home. Jay Z’s script.

It’s funny, one time I was in a drug dealer’s room. He was a lot younger than me, having joined the uni a year after me. I vaguely recall a chat we had where I told him the letters in his name almost exactly matched mine.
The thing about versions of me is that we identify with the wrong people, we use our capacity to empathise in some form with the wrong people. We can be victims of manipulation, often confusing poorly intended performances for genuine vulnerability. In an attempt to understand our pasts, we project our personal story onto the wrong people. Pay attention to the wrong details.

I looked around his room and I saw a mess – and I thought-heard my Lisa say that mess was indicative of depression. Unless you’ve spent years of your life completely fucking stoned, you won’t know how big a deal it is to remember much of anything.

Lisa once had girly time with me in her bedroom. She told me about her Twin-flame – his alterego-name as a musician was Johnny. She told me that this was their song.

His real name was Steve. I had a lecturer called Steve at Uni – I’ve said before. A guy I had tremendous respect for, that respect was confused for some kind of weird flirtation. He once gave us a Herman Hesse poem to analyse for a writing class, and he asked if I’d bothered reading it. I told him I had and that I concluded that the protagonist in the poem was looking for his mother.

There’s a bit in the video where Cyndi shows her boyf her shaven head and he’s not into it. My first real boyfriend and I watched this Resident Evil together and we were both obsessed with this scene – I asked him to shave my head that day. Fun.

(When I hear this scream it reminds me of waking up after a surgery when I had my tonsils removed – I woke up, the first thing I did was pick up a drink on my bedside table. It was orange juice. It was so, so painful – as you can imagine drinking something acidic might be immediately after being cut open. I drank the juice and then I screamed and it sounded just like this.)

Lisa met that boyfriend – Kitty – he had the same tattoos that Constantine had on his forearms. >> Image Credit <<

Constantine is a character in a comic called Hellblazer, which was his favourite comic at the time. The sound track was performed by A Perfect Circle – a side project of the singer of Tool – his favourite band at the time. Don’t you love the coincidences?

90d11fa8fdb3ed5015a212d40cad343c

Lisa told me that “Constantine” (and Avatar) were both real stories. She said he balanced my energy. It’s strange how in my memories of him as a teenager, he looks so similar to Ekko – the character in League of Legends.

At the end of this video, the cop says “I’ve always known that I could see, I’ve always known that I could see”. I could see when I was little, not now. But Lisa said to me “Learn to pretend not to see.”  – a message for my older brother. Omi.

I told Lisa, when I saw her recently – that I thought Kitty might be a fragment of ‘Ekko’ – and if not, someone who could channel him. Upon hearing Lisa was “psychic” – Kitty said “CAN WE PLAY ROCK PAPER SCISSORS?” … Later she had us watch Avatar together on her bed, beside a huge tetrahedron ‘machine’ she had cast out of metal, that you sit inside to meditate. I reminded her of that – and she said “HE’S NAUGHTY!!!”)

Twinflames are your highest point of personal growth. Thats it.
And that was a past life. When I see her in my minds eye, I see her standing with her partner – an incredible man I met years ago when I was living with her in Hackney. I hardly got to know him but I recall the things she would say about him, that he might’ve observed about me for example – and I appreciated it.

For me, and what I now know, the kind of people you attract into your life are a testament of your current state of vibration. When I lived with Lisa – I moved in completely broken but I left functioning on a high vibration – and for the most part I went on to have the best year of my life. As things got worse and worse for me at uni, I attracted worse and worse experiences – people that matched my emotional landscape. People I should never have met.

The last time I saw Lisa, I told her about this card – and said that if she and I were twins we’d be Ka and Li. The Pleiadian being on the card looks like her, and Beyonce. I think.

Isn’t it strange, how the card kind of repeats the sentiment “that was a past life”?

img_6437

(One time Lisa walked into my bedroom and tidied and cleaned it for me. Have you ever noticed how the energy of a room completely changes when it’s clean and tidy? It just “feels” different. Try to understand – Lisa is a mature woman and her time and energy is very, very valuable to her. People say “oh, psychics are the kind of people who take advantage of vulnerable people – who steal their money” etc. Lisa never received any money from me. To anyone else she’d have just been a woman I was sharing a house with – although she cooked for me (when I would’ve otherwise starved) and gave me cigarettes when I ran out (I was chain smoking) and taught me things no one ever had (That filtered so far and deep that people haven’t even realised how normal it is now, to talk about spirituality or energy. These were NOT things people said on the internet ten years ago! That was her – I swear on my life – that was all her.) Also – she once gave me a pair of French pants, which is way – way more significant than you’d think.
Without Lisa, I’d have never of been receptive to Abraham Hicks and Esther Hicks (Turns out they’re acquainted) – which I think is the next phase of my journey.

Back to this drug dealer – the one whose name was an anagram of my own. All of his stuff was scattered on the floor and being in there felt icky, energetically. I tidied up his room for him, just like Lisa had done for me. I remember it as being on the same day, but perhaps it wasn’t – we had a conversation and I said “If you were a time traveller and you bumped into people you had known in a past life – what would you tell them?”  Hilariously enough he said something along the lines of it being unimportant, because it wouldn’t be the same. I think I said “ok.” (During my mental breakdown – I told him that “his mother was tidying his room”. At one point he visited me in a psychiatric ward and watched a psychiatrist telling me how ill I was – for saying things she didn’t want to hear. And then I said to her that I knew she had been sexually molested – she asked how I knew that. She eventually threatened me with an injection for simply saying things she didn’t want to hear, and he defended her. Not understanding that he was defending a threat of rape. Forced penetration of ANY kind is rape. But most importantly not connecting that her threat to me was her doing to me, what must have been done to her.)

Lisa would’ve said “child, you have a lot to learn”. When I saw Lisa I showed her a picture of this character and said “I feel like he’s your son, and his name in this game is “ekko”. She nodded and said “Echoes of TIME.” Let me stress this – she is not the kind of woman who plays video games. She meditates, works, spends time with her family, reads a lot, cooks and watches movies. She glanced at this image of this character for a brief moment and said something about energy. (If you play or have ever played league – it’s a “hex tech energy” weapon he carries on his shoulder.)

This is the place I was renting when I lived in Farnham. 7A West Street. Can you see that underpass? The entrance to my flat was through there. Doesn’t it look like Ekko sitting in front of a scroll covering the wall? I guess you’d have to visit to see it.

Some not-friends once tagged “GOOD MORNING” on the wall opposite my door cos I never said good morning to the girl I lived with and she told a lot of half-truths about me, a lot of manipulative lies. Made all the guyfriends she stole from me think she was a victim. None of them really had any idea of her true nature, or mine, in their defence. (She was the very wealthy, easy-fuck kind, nothing wrong with that at all – but sometimes girls like that have jealousy issues and I had a lot of things she couldn’t have paid for with cash. Like a personality. Which she did try to steal.)
The truth is… that when you grow up in a house with no one speaking to you much, with a mother who was ill and slept all the time, you don’t really “learn” to say good morning.

Do you see that arched window at the top? That was my bedroom.

Screen Shot 2018-05-01 at 23.50.29.png

When I lived in Homerton, Hackney – I meditated once with a lit candle. I remember that the flame was flickering pretty wildly and I saw what I thought was the back of a man walking away and through a flame, wearing a black hood. (It’s only recently that I realised that “man” – “male energy” was me.)

Before I moved out of that home in Homerton almost ten years ago, Lisa and her friend gave me a CD called “EK ONG KAR”

Kind of like this

In a meditation I did years before meeting her I saw myself wearing a black hood and meeting a woman carrying a baby with a third eye, in a strange town. She gave me the baby (her baby) and told me to do the only thing I was good at doing – which was running.  I best visualised this meditation to this song. I saw myself running into a green domed vortex that was linked to my etheric signature. There were armed guards killing people with special abilities who were trying to protect me (because I was protecting this baby.) – they couldn’t access the vortex which gave me time to navigate through the buildings. I have no sense of direction in any life – that’s the beauty of dyspraxia. Have you ever seen The Book of Eli? He doesn’t walk with a direction in mind, the route is internal.

One of these guards got through the vortex, I assume because they shared an etheric signature with me – and I don’t know what happened next, but that is the nature of past lives.

When I went funny – my dog ran out onto the road to chase after a fox and I fell onto my knee trying to chase him. If I told you it was like someone had pushed me, you probably wouldn’t believe me.

There’s a League of Legends video of Ekko – he hurts his arm. When I think of Ekko I get an ache in my arm. I’ve never told anyone about that.

When I was with Lisa she got an ache in her knee and her arm. I didn’t say it to Lisa – but some deep place in me thought “Imagine Ekko really hurting the one person that his mother trusted to protect him.”

I like to think my job is done – because I’ve led him through whatever dimensional travel he needed to experience using me as an anchor, in order to find her.

It upsets me that there are parents on this Planet that are raising children that have abilities that they grow up never dialoguing about because it’s not “normal”. Jaden Smith talking about his eight year old self being a “vampire” in an interview is more real to me than my mother’s house.
Kanye talking about living a life very much in the “future”, or a little boy in a cafeteria telling me that when he stares at his hand long enough, it becomes invisible – or a little boy astral projecting and finding his own Planet, and inhabiting it with creatures… and not discussing plants… is actually more real and more serious to me than the half of a burnt cheese burger & chips I ate for dinner, sitting in a takeaway foil on a plate on the carpet beside my bed.

The fact that that ex of mine, a psychiatric nurse, was handed an essay on metaphysics that was authored by one of his patients – by his co-staff – for him to try and analyse for signs of mental illness upsets me too.
This tells me that freedom of speech and freedom of thought are just nice thoughts. That give or take a few minor details, we are constantly reliving the past. That ex of mine had one ethical duty to that patient and that was not to play pass the parcel with that essay – to say “that patient trusted you with that so keep it to yourself, okay?”

Every science fiction movie teaches people that it’s the government that keep things ‘hush hush’ and it’s actually not – keeping people quiet or invisible begins at home, begins with ridicule from childhood friends and ripples through every kind of engagement or social interaction. If you’re not kept silent, you’re ridiculed.

The idea that there had to be a novel like Twilight, to gauge how people would respond to creatures sitting above them on the food chain, who are almost physiologically impossible to kill… (Like – you might accidentally die trying)
That in order for them not to be depicted as all that threatening, they had a “good vampire” versus “bad vampire” motif. The BAD vampires eat PEOPLE. So does that mean that bad people eat animals? What is the difference? The good vampires spend their infinite time and physical strength having sex that poses great risks to interiors, playing piano and being really really ridiculously good looking.

The Twilight novels are good for one thing –  the knowledge that there is a space in the human understanding that people must be forced to observe how they treat individuals and creatures who are more vulnerable than they are. Whether it’s the insane, children, the disabled, creatures or people who can’t speak.

Y’know, a kind of mirror – sort of depicting how humans have treated livestock… rather than a weird sexual fantasy.

Lisa says that at any given time we are four archetypes. So – we have a light side and a dark side that are visible and a light side and a dark side that are ‘invisible’. (She keeps things simple with me)

My favourite is Jane ❤

I’ve written about this before – there was no toothy bite into my throat, no release of poison that would either kill me or turn me. A non-physical sexual experience with my Pleiadian guides that led to a foetus being painlessly removed from my body using crystals, with the umbilical cord in perfect condition (faux friends got to look at it close up, nurses got to look at it – no one cared all that much that they were looking at a THREE DAY OLD foetus that was, by all scientific accounts – huge for its age.) and I gently placed that foetus on a little rock in my room, watched it turn from pink to brown and somewhere inbetween all that during a moment of weird adrenaline a hand reached into my heart and stopped it beating.

After that I was compelled to message my cousin (I was at this point, what anyone would consider crazy, unless they grew up in a culture that understood shamanism) who I NEVER speak to – to say that his wife would be having a “Cleopatra baby” or something. No one had told me, but it turns out his wife was already pregnant with twins. Cleopatra had twins called Alexander Helios and Kleopatra Selene. (I learned this WAY later.)
(I think he called one of the kids Nile – which is nice – the idea that Queen Kleopatra VII uses your cousin to channel a message over via social media and you can’t even be bothered to give them their actual names)

After that I channelled my father’s mother – a woman I had never, ever had a conversation with because bless her, she didn’t speak a word of english. Basically disowned her entire family from across the grave.

(My whole family – well, not family anymore, that was a past life – have pretty much worked out that I’m clairvoyant (like, proof beyond proof) but failed to apologise for the stuff they had to say about me.)

After that I channelled a person (Lady Diana) who had been murdered (by the British Queen btw), who explained through me what had happened – then I put my hand through fire – with dumb and dumber witnesses present – and didn’t feel a thing. Not one of the little hairs on my hand were singed either.

My teacher explained that the painless and bloodless miscarriage was necessary because people have to learn that abortion is traumatic, and causes women to suffer needlessly – and that the foetuses removed from women are bodies – which are often used for scientific experiments, including being kept “alive” in stasis? rather than respected as human-dead. Women in the UK are so preoccupied with fast resolution, (understandable), that when they get pregnant and choose not to have the infant that they don’t seem to realise that there is a reason that the real reason they are made to wait for the foetus to develop, really – the reason women in the UK have a choice to abort is because the NHS and all of the family planning clinics make a FORTUNE from selling stem cells.
It is possible for people to lose children they never knew that they had – humans don’t know how to perform painless miscarriages like the one I had. Miscarriages are often confused for painful periods. I’ve tried telling a girl I know what happened when she thought she was pregnant, and then got her period – even her partner has tried to “tell” her – but she never listens. People who don’t listen to the things I say are a waste of my time. Once i’ve done what’s right by my own conscience I leave it to their ability to recollect.

I had one of those strange, painful miscarriages not too long after hearing a foetus say “I’m a little sun drop”. So if you want to know whether a foetus has sentience or a consciousness before being born, yes, they do.

I will say this though – whether through physical or non physical, conception takes three. At least. That’s why Adam, Lilith and Eve were created. It’s the strange recipe for an in-love vibration. Have you ever noticed how great your relationship is when your boyfriend/girlfriend spends nearly as much time talking to you as they do talking to some friend, although iunno – that relationship in their life makes you feel jealous? And then most commonly you separate your partner and that friend, and your boyfriend/girlfriend stops treating you as nicely? Have you ever connected that slight change? Your boyfriend/girlfriend is someone else when they share energy with that person.

The hand through my heart was me learning that I’m an eternal being.

The hand through the fire was that … well, the Universe has my back and wants me to speak not just my- but the truth.

Oh, uh… If it makes you more comfortable, me saying “this is for my graphic novel” then lets go with that… but it’s all completely true.