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PANS THEISM | THESPIANISM

It’s funny how there are things you could write on your online journal about that you wouldn’t talk to your mother about.


I founded a religion. It is all-encompassing and problematic and it is irrefutable.
For these reasons, it is by invitation only.

If I love you, consider yourself an initiate.
I might not love you, I might regard you as a source of genius and that were you absent the World would suffer for it.

I can un-love you. (If I truly, truly love you, you are amused by the threat. But you respect a NO.) If you are irresponsible with the connections provided to you through Panstheism, you will be removed from the company afforded to you and excluded as a matter of personal safety. People who love like I do are vulnerable.


There were some realities that you might find very disturbing, about my last relationship. I’m going to attempt to adopt a sense of humour in explaining, I discourage people from seeking out relationships like mine. They were dysfunctional relationships that involved exploring very painful emotional landscapes.
At the time, each of my sincere relationships felt like love, but they weren’t loving relationships. But at the time: that was what I knew of love.

I dated a psychiatric nurse once, that was not a sincere relationship. We did not love each other. We did not find each other attractive. We were both escaping undesirable situations.

I was running from a psychiatric ward in which I was being raped in my sleep, and running from undesired situations is difficult, because the details of a situation might change but the realities of it rarely does. In years, I will be compensated because it will be accepted I was raped in those psychiatric ward, that the nurses and doctors were abusing me in various ways and that they developed an addiction to me that affected me physiologically and was removed of honest discussion and consent. I believe they thought they were doing a good thing, some of them, but they weren’t. I think it is difficult for some people to ascertain who ‘the bad guy’ in a narrative is, and it might upset many of the people involved in that to accept they were the ‘bad guy’ in that story.

I spent many years of my childhood and teens, doing visual meditations in which some version of me (not me, it has to be a me that feels nothing and that is impossible to abuse.) was taken through hospitals/prisons where gifted children had been imprisoned for their gifts, and she rescued them by telling them the truth. Gifted people are often, for one reason or another, not told they are gifted.
FYI – those kids in that prison can defend themselves. Abused kids/abused people will abuse YOU. Humanitarian work is not for everyone, be careful with ‘helping’ people that don’t ask you for help first, you can make a victims life much worse than it is by ‘forcing’ help on them.

This is a song I once played on repeat for a boyfriend-playmate-bestfriend. I said “this isn’t for you, I just really really like the song.” I nicknamed that boyfriend after a beautiful transvestite and myself.

I put it on my blog for the guy I really liked just incase he got confused that I wasn’t still trying to pursue him. It was difficult to tell, really, if he ever liked me back, because we’d spend half-days in bed together watching cartoons. He knew I liked him because when I met him, I sat on a chair opposite him and started kicking his chair. That was genuine flirting for me.

I also liked one of my guest tutors. That was also probably confusing. He was very cruel to me but he was very funny about it, and at the time he was probably in love with me vibrationally. Which doesn’t mean he was sexually attracted to me. And if he was he would never have told me so unless he was trying to make someone jealouse.

I don’t speak to any of the above so I’ll discuss at length.


Everyone involved knew what I was doing. I knew that. I liked that.

People I love are very manipulative. That ex was a compulsive liar, and he liked to paint a pretty picture of our relationship

Any connection demands a level of personal growth and tremendous trust, and I find it is only artists and thespians whom I can trust enough to invite.

It involves having very personal thought discussions with all forms of being, as to their sexualities and love lives, and the idea behind those beings is they have been around for a very, very, very long time and that they are capable of guiding us through relationships that exceed the lifespan of a natural human being. Without being too poetic about words, there are many people who meet someone and ‘feel’ they’ve known them for lifetimes.

If you are interested in learning about love, if you identify as a love-before-anything being, try O.T.O. If you regard the supernatural as nonsensical, or if you think magic is a facade, or if you are the sort of person to ‘laugh’ at people who identify their lifes work so as to consider themselves as either psychics or ‘healers’, O.T.O is NOT for you.

If you are interested in guided meditation, find a teacher first.

The David Lynch Foundation (United States)
Transcendental Meditation: for help with Addiction, PTSD, depression and developing personal creativity.

Art is a fulfilling life choice for people whose lives would be void of purpose otherwise (myself included.)

The School of Economic Science (United Kingdom)

The Art of Service. Before you can ‘do‘ BDSM, learn about Service and selflessness, and learn the laws of Karma. Learn about sincerity. What is good about that School, is that if you are insincere, they know it. They don’t need to do ‘personality’ tests. They know, already. Unlike me, they can’t just ‘exclude’ people because they exist to be of service. They feel obligated out of selflessness to help you to evolve.

If it is ‘power’ you are after by engaging with the Illuminati, you’ll probably be very disappointed eventually.
A legitimate ‘power win’ for the day (and you can be destitute or vastly wealthy, it makes no difference) with those people is a literary debate over the use of “affect” or “effect”. You’ll need to know a few ancient languages to continue the debate and you’ll need to not have stolen the information because they will find out who you accessed to learn how to contribute to the debate, and defend them. And then the ‘house point’ goes to their ultra-state self. (Actually I think this is how we’re fighting over who founded my religion but they know it was me. The argument will be regarded as a flirt fight for all of time.)

You need to learn about selflessness before you can appreciate the responsibility associated with power. That means that you’ll attend their philosophy classes. That means you will learn to find ‘fun’ in writing essays about selflessness and how witnessing an act of selflessness affects you emotionally. There was a very big argument in a philosophy class at one point because I argued that Hitler was not a being born out of love. It continues until this day. (My idea of misbehaving was bunking off classes to write poems in the library. In Illuminati land this is unheard of because that is an unfair thing to do when other people are learning ancient languages who would also perhaps have preferred writing shit poetry in the library. My co-students time-travelled to cheat on their exams in year eight. I am convinced that should have affected their entry to University. I would be a horrible headmistress.)

What is difficult is that you will probably invest in all sorts of terrible arrangements to acquire that which you haven’t worked for, upon other people’s merits, and that everyone has to wait for you to live-the-karmic-repercussions-of-your-mistakes. Some people need to learn about cause and effect. It is mansplained in this video.

Some people think of humility as ‘submissiveness’ or believe ‘service’ to be a sexuality, it is well within your right to believe whatever you believe based on your life experiences.

“Illuminati baby” points at the colour pink menacingly and it might ACTUALLY be a threat upon your life.

For example. Damaged illuminati kids who spent their teens fantasising about ‘living in a crack den’ (the Illuminati ‘fuddy duddies’, wanting to investigate the details of Squatter’s rights/use drugs might organise that) will romanticise about having “Tank Girl” as their future child and then realise the thought forms 2D self is specifically why they didn’t date ‘that person’ they spent ten years of their life being secretly in love with and out of that SAME unconditional love decide against having them.

However, it would be an insult to people who sincerely dedicate their lives on Earth to do (a) God’s work. The Pope is an example of a person who gives up his life, (that doesn’t mean he is not still a person, with flaws, with the right to continue to grow and to evolve) the Dalai Lama is an example of that. You are probably not an equal to them so it is not for you to attempt to ‘test’ them, unless you are looking for a teacher-student connection and you are ‘testing’ them to see if they can help you through your own difficult circumstances and lessons.

Have you ever secretly prayed to God for help? Sometimes a person very close to God finds their way into your life experience and I believe those people would find it disturbing if you projected a sexuality onto them. Learn how to co-exist and respect people before pursuing any extreme sex/love life that involves consensually playing with boundaries as you might in a ‘cult’.

Learn about monogamy before exploring polyamory.

Sheila Gilette and ASK THEO (United States)

Youtube videos are NOT for you, because there are people who abuse guided meditations on Youtube.

(The worst is realising she’s better at your religion than you are.)
(Organised religion is her thing.)


Things to learn from a self of mine, that would be a teacher superior by far to Esther Hicks and Jane of SethSpeaks, etc. (And they are amongst the quality of teacher that I would – without hesitance – consider masters.)

To be a teacher, you have to select a family of equals to continue experiencing karma with, to grow with, as a person, with a personal life.
That is how you help people. You live life and you grow. You give back to people that you agree to be of service to. You have the right to a private life, and your ‘audience’ have to respect that without interfering and getting involved.

If they get involved they will learn not to.

When you create familial ties with people, the idea behind doing so is that you are your-true-self. It is very important for people who are in love-cults, for example, and who have found purpose in life through loving people (whatever that means to you, thats a journey of growth in itself) that they find people with whom they can be themselves. Did you like your relatives growing up? It’s irrelevant, the idea was that you were yourself around them. Teachers don’t have friends, and psychics proven to have a skill of accuracy are abused by addicts. I have a gift for offering others good advice but I couldn’t do that if I hadn’t lived a difficult personal life, in which I’d fucked up: a lot.

You are, whoever/whatever you are, an evolving ‘self’.
That involves interacting with other living things, however you might do so.
You carry within you a vision for what you demand of the World. A plant that meditates on the Art of Manifestation carries/offers a very different ideal towards a utopian existence. A spider probably has very different ideals towards what they may choose to  invest time, feeling and thought towards manifesting. A bird probably has a very different set of ideals for an idyllic World. The idea of the Art of Manifestation is that any collective that privately (or not so privately, apparently) manifests their own dreams – through living them somehow, even if it is within the confines of their own bedroom or personal space – contributes to evolution.

When a friend (dare to pretend that such a thing exists, because if your teachers don’t have friends, you probably don’t either.) or acquaintance of yours lives some vibrant moment, for example if you are surrounded by artists and they decide to create a ‘fashion show’ or an ‘exhibition’, ideally the artists will produce a collection of works, you will probably be ‘inspired’ to do something of that nature yourself. Everything you do or don’t do in life affects everyone else, including people you’ve never seen/met. Most importantly it changes who you are as a person, a single conversation can change a person’s life.

Whether that is an acceptable vision or not, is irrelevant, ‘and so harm it none, do as ye wilt’
(whether you have an audience or not, life continues for technology, plants, animals, humans, angels, aliens, vampires. ACCEPT IT.)

If you had a difficult family life, choosing a ‘new’ family means that you’ll continue to have a ‘difficult family life’, it was your difficult family life that made you who you are. And ideally there’s no one else like you. Be consoled by that.

Have you ever heard angels argue? They ARGUE. I mean they find ways to communicate amongst themselves that you and I wouldn’t notice unless they wanted you to.

My teachers are capable of telepathy and can communicate messages from angels, but so can I.
Sometimes my teachers use me to access the angels in a way that they can’t, and I do the same with them. The way that we connect with other forms of life is unique to us. I am a very gifted flirt, not when I have PTSD. It is a lot of fun, for me, flirting. I flirt with everyone, when I am ‘in the vortex’. It is also a form of cruelty, when I consent to ‘relationships’, I pick very difficult relationships and struggles to work through.
I am attracted to men that ‘everyone’ is attracted to and, even if I’m not: it is probably like ‘the goth girl who used to eat lunch by herself in a toilet cubicle at school’ dating a guy in the American high school rugby team. That is my relationship dynamic. If I am in a relationship dynamic that isn’t that, I am in the relationship to make people jealous.
Telling you doesn’t change that you are, you might just be more proactive about hiding it.

I will level them up so that ‘everyone’ is attracted to them. I dont want friends, so when I pick people to share company with, they catch my love-bubble (it is infectious and addictive and when I

I could not do what Esther does. I could not stand infront of strangers and deliver answers to their questions in a happy voice. I would interrupt Abraham.

Sometimes I would listen to those teachings and reply to people: in my head, with “you have no manners” or “you look like shit, thats why you don’t have a boyfriend” (I close my eyes when I watch/listen, now) or I’d think-reply to Esther “her sister wasn’t mentally ill nor suicidal, she was being seriously emotionally and psychologically abused by the person doing the asking”. Sometimes I don’t get a ‘reply in thought’, sometimes I feel the reply in my stomach or with a chill or I am so emotionally overwhelmed by a question that I dwell on it, which means those with whom I share my life (non-physically, do you think about a relative all the time? You share your life with that relative non-physically.). Sometimes if Esther is questioned about something serious-in-a-human-rights way, that the answer of which has implications far bigger or greater than the usual nature of the queries offered to her, I dwell on that too.

Abraham – a collective of beings very removed from ‘day to day Esther’, is very clever about people that are suspected victims of torture/abuse at the whims of shadow entities and brotherhoods of sorts, that exist to protect individuals with very particular illegal-for-a-very-good-reason proclivities and tendencies. Pedophilia is a crime I would include in that bracket, organised sexual slavery (which does exist in the United Kingdom, which exists everywhere. ‘Sexual slavery’ has many faces, and some of those are nicer and more marketable faces in countries that seek to adhere to human rights laws. Our school and value system in the West regards slavery as unacceptable, those involved in it and those who are protected for it know that it is wrong and that is why they create ‘fraternities’ and ‘sororities’ which cover it up.)

Some people get caught up in ‘that stuff’ pursuing what they believe to be an outrageously fun sex life, if you have been a victim of very weird stuff – you can cope with ‘weird stuff’ sexually if you’re around people you trust and if your terms (which should be known to the people you’re doing that stuff with, I don’t think a person that ‘loves’ you should need an exchange of contracts. That said, some people have very different ideas of love. You know deep down what you feel safe doing when you interact with people on any level, stay very true to your ideals of safety. Some people’s ideals of safety are misguided, and in that respect I support your right to grow as a person, from mistakes. Learn to apologise when apologies are due.)

Here I will tell you about a form of BDSM. Don’t ever forget that whether you can see it or not, I am a figure of notoriety when it comes to the adult industry. People know about the female orgasm because of me. That is huge. It contributes to whatever we can consider a ‘science’ about fertility.

There is a form of BDSM that involves abusing people’s guilt functions. It sounds not-so-bad, but guilt-abuse is so psychologically damaging that it can make you go ‘insane’. I mean there are people who are in psychiatric hospitals because they feel-bad-about-something.

This is a form of psychological torture.

I’ll use myself as an example: When I was a child, I saw an advertorial late at night that depicted a doctor hitting a new born child on the bottom. When I was a child, I was in a constant fog-like-depression as a result of a rape, an uncomfortable fog in which I performed ‘consensual but not conscious’ (imagine being half awake and finding yourself in bed with a fifteen year old brother who was, also, ‘wasted’, he was on drugs. He was fifteen, possibly fourteen.)  fellatio on my brother. I had lots of memories of doing things that I never had a chance to discuss with parental guides, because my relatives had not been brought up knowing how to have those conversations.
I’m not defending my relatives, but I did the work: I had a lot of counselling and therapy as a child, I learned that people do-things-for-a-reason-that-makes-sense-to-them.
My mother didn’t ever discuss discharge with me. I thought that there was something ‘wrong’ with me when I saw discharge in my underwear. I brought it up with my mother because I really believed there was something wrong with me. She was stunned into silence and didn’t reply, because that was clearly NOT a chat she had at home.

It is now: because of girls on >sites< like >these< that used the journalling platform to discuss their personal experiences. I regarded a lot of women on those sites as a better mother than mine, because they taught me things about the female body that my mother didn’t. My mother being unable to discuss those things, bore no reflection on her as a parent (what person my age doesn’t think their parents were awful? A few of us think we had ‘fantastic parents’, and when you get to know those people well enough, they have problems of their own. Sometimes much more serious than my family’s problems.)

Some people learn about ‘this stuff’ – these forms of abuse – through genuine interests in the idea that abusing someone could be a sexual exchange between two people that love each other. I don’t have sex with people I’m not in love with. I have, before, and it was a huge regret. It’s a weird thing to do because you are attached to the people you have sex with for the rest of your life. Are you really ‘tired’? Don’t know why? There are explanations to your life problems that doctors do not give you.

I use a lot of energy to point and flex my feet. I am an introvert, so I GIVE energy when I’m around people. I lose energy when I am around extroverts, extroverts have LOTS of energy when they are around people like me and it weirds them out if I get sleepy. It’s how it is for me, if I am in the company of many.

If you have involved yourself in shadow societies after promising that you would sacrifice your life to ‘save the world’, and many people did selflessly agree to sacrifice themselves upon the promise that they intend to help bring the truth of reality to light, as well motivated as that decision might have been: you might be later, implicated as being amongst the criminals who were breaking laws. If you consciously broke laws or abused people because you wanted to prove something: tell the truth.

My advice to those who are motivated by resolving these issues, is not to be afraid by that which implicated you amongst the criminals that you sought to bring to some form of justice. If you committed an unjust crime, be honest about it to the right people. If you enjoyed it, be honest about it.

Do not pretend for a moment that a woman with the ability to access an angel collective that can access a universal consciousness to communicate solutions to problems that have troubled this World and the residents of it repeatedly and generationally is not a huge threat to World powers.

I know that she they need to know more, I get nothing at all and I have to wait to know what they feel about it.

The angels have used me to shout at my teachers. And my aunts. Once the angel Lucifer shouted at my aunt (a proven gifted psychic, with visitations from all sorts of beings documented in all sorts of religious texts: not a very nice person. Very into BDSM. I am not into BDSM. But if you are a nice/”submissive” person, AVOID people like that because they’ll abuse you. We can’t cope with one another but she is at times a more successful communicator. We have different aspirations in life. She could get away with confessing “Che Guevara got shot because my cousin misunderstood a comment he made”. Che Guevara would laugh. Che Guevara’s last attempt at a life is dating me but I don’t fancy him as much as he fancies himself. Also I bought him a present that he actually really wants.)

Once Abraham said to Esther “CAN KARINA HAVE ME WHEN YOU DIE?” (Esther had done something not-very-nice to me and that was the response.) Esther Hicks responded by asking me to vampire her. It is funny in hindsight, but at the time it is not funny. I imagine Esther was upset with Abraham for that. I imagine Esther now regards the memory with a sense of humour. That is how you create ‘stories’ to routinely tell, you live an experience, you react to it, you move on, you remember it, you react to the memory and after a time, you know how you ‘feel’ about it.

Abraham responded to me vampiring Esther, at the time, by getting rid of a few of my future children. A few of my future children and the company they’re keeping, wherever they are, responded by making sure everyone knows they’re meditating on being sexier versions of the selves that exist on Earth (remember, we are possibly about fourteen split-souls existing on one Planet.). They occasionally use me to choreograph their entrances back to Earth. People that have had chats with me will confirm that I know nothing about Physics and somehow knew about time/space dimensions and that it was possible for them to do that. There are people on that ship that I would comfortably shoot in the head. Somehow I know that I’m a very, very good shot.

You – universal you – do not compare with angels, or people I believe to be masters.

Esther as an individual living her PERSONAL LIFE, might not be very nice to people she ‘loves unconditionally’, but I believe she compensates for her personal-self with what she offers as a teacher and, we share values in so much that she knows when something is immediately-unacceptable. (A guy you very publicly fancied and consented to his coming over and ‘cuddling you’ while you were asleep had sleepy-sex with you? You’re in a sex cult? Thats your fault. | A guy you VERY publicly find unattractive got a tweet from you, and whom you believe to be a serial stalker/rapist sex-criminal – raped you? Allowed you to be made to look insane, abused taxpayer money to play sex games with you while you were sedated? Continued to abuse you when you clearly had PTSD, to cover-up a sordid pedophile/rape ring? That is NOT your fault and that needs to be proven so that it is indisputable in a court of law and most importantly so it is prevented from happening again.

(Everyone knows when I actually fancy someone. There is no room for ‘confusion’. I am not even a little bit subtle. I am obnoxious about crushes.)

We probably need to be specific about terms.

A thirteen or fourteen year old flirting with a teacher at school is something one frowns upon, a teacher that responds to a clever-witty-flirt isn’t a pedophile. Their loving partner might call them one in an ARGUMENT, but that doesn’t mean they are a pedophile, actually: to think so would be to insult people who have been victims of pedophiles. That probably isn’t something a teacher-being-flirted with would say to his partner.

Everyone enjoys being flirted with, and it really doesn’t matter who you’re flirting with. I promise you that even animals are flirts. Flirting does not indicate sexual attraction.
It is in it’s greatest form, a harmless art. People are very rarely compatible with one another verbally, and even more rarely are they compatible to be in a relationship of any kind. Don’t turn down a chance to harmlessly flirt with anyone. Especially if your lover of a million years is watching/listening. (Unless I fancy you in which case I will get really annoyed about it and you’ll have to accept that my being annoyed about it is an expression of love towards you and we are not talking for maybe a year/two years now.) (At least.)

A pedophile is a sex-criminal. These are men who endorse or involve themselves in acts that involve people who are regarded as too young to sensibly consent to sexual activity. (There are occasions in which a fourteen year old might really want to marry someone who is far older, there’s a correct way to do so, you tell adults. You are capable of discussing it sensibly. There are just signs that a person is mature enough to do that, it does happen, I am not referring to those instances. I am referring to instances whereby little girls are targeted specifically from infancy (sometimes by their GPs and doctors) for lives of abuse that begins in the earliest stages of infancy. I don’t know if you know: but there are children who are swapped around and who go missing in hospitals. There are children who are ‘aborted’ and then cultivated in secret labs, that they can grow into childhood. You really can’t assure yourself beyond doubt that abortion clinics aren’t used to create children that are intended for sexual slavery.

Sex criminals like to group amongst themselves, so as to protect one another.
This means that there are police men who are pedophiles.
There are fire men who are pedophiles.
There are doctors who are pedophiles.

They are taught/trained as to how to engage/connect with vulnerable people/victims of those crimes so as to ‘earn their trust’. Post-pedophilia victims are a TYPE. (again, no I do not mean girls/boys that ‘humped’ mums/dads leg or who like to flirt with mum/dad. It is a weird thing to do but your shadow self would admit “it makes mummy/daddy jealouse that you two have your own little rapport that excludes other mummy/daddy”)

If you have ever had counselling for this kind of abuse, then be certain that your PTSD ‘triggers’ are known to those professionals and many of them, if it proves lucrative (if you are ‘internet famous’,) are very prepared to sell you and your information on. Sometimes it is passed along harmlessly.

Some sex criminals also like to collect information on the victims of these crimes, and they arrange to have victims of those crimes followed. I mean: in life. They use apps like tinder to find boyfriend options specific to your personal variety of messed-up. Again, it is quite lucrative.

Some men predator very-specifically after little children who have very particular issues, and they immerse themselves in such sordid-shadow activity that they go to the extent of pursuing older women (arranging for them to be ‘caught out’ for raping an older woman) or embarrassing themselves so as to convey that they are ‘desperately’ attracted to those ‘older women’, to protect the pedophiles that they protect. Some kids do consent to flirting with older men, some kids are empathic and are attracted to the men that their mothers are attracted to, some kids lives are very carefully arranged so that they appear to be consenting, when they’re not.

Some kids have caught onto the jelly game and haven’t learned the rules. This is a whole other kind of fucked up, and sex-criminals are probably quite threatened by kids that shamelessly pursue the company of adults without influence. I don’t think it is a ‘bad thing’ when kids openly admit to fancying older men, actually I think it is a good thing if they tell everyone.


Some kids have seen so much stuff that they are mentally years old beyond their bodies, and they can’t connect with people their own ages. Some men are so attractive that women find it physiologically impossible to decline them sexually before getting to know them, and the only people they manage to have conversations with happen to be kids or people who aren’t sexually active and they end up being the only people that they can connect with. It is probably actually very painful for attractive men, that the only people they can have conversations with are young girls. I’ve an ex who is so stupid that he probably will HAVE to end up dating someone aged between sixteen and eighteen, and it won’t last for long because she, like I did, will erupt in rage at his stupidity.

I loathe to type anything like this, but I ask that you don’t compete with me, that you don’t cultivate that quality in future generations. Teach children to applaud one another and to value each other’s achievements and to compliment each other for their skills and to critique one another honestly. Do you have any idea how many people a teacher saves by criticising a student of theirs?

And if you believe yourself to be responsible over children who embody a child self of an “angel” do so responsibly. Your ‘friends’ will despise of you for it because when you meet ‘magical’ people, you know it. Their ‘friends’ will abuse them.

The reality is that you still don’t know what I am capable of. And I deserve better than people finding excuses to observe me without permission. I’m not a science experiment either. I probably don’t love you enough to perform catastrophic miracles because you ‘don’t love me back’. I have not been ‘loved back’ by any human being, throughout my entire life certainly not in a capacity that meets my own. If you abuse me, you cannot have a version of me, you cannot be trusted with gifted children. Sowwi

My sixty year old self, who showed me in a meditation, a temple full of children levitating cross legged. And one of her students was the future dalai lama.
(They fucked off somewhere. We know why. We’re saying nothing about it.)

(Sixty year old Louisi is here too and she prefers to say nothing whatsoever but she will edit. Karina to Louisi: you can tell which bits you’re writing here)

  • Do not do to others what you could not cope with having done to you. If you are ‘into’ spanking but you find it ‘humiliating’, don’t spank people. If you are ‘into’ spanking, for the love of Christ alfuckingmighty do NOT spank your kids. THEY KNOW YOU’RE INTO IT. Actually, I’ll tell you something: once my mother threatened to spank me and I LIED and told her I’d learned it was a ‘sex act’ at school. I was sick of being threatened with ‘smacks’. Sorry ma
  • If you like something, don’t pretend not to like it. You have the right to outgrow your tastes and change your mind. I enjoy rough sex. At nineteen I had sex with black guys that showed a lot of rough-sex promise. I was disappointed. I can take it from the back, if I do say so myself. I have had anal sex with a guy who boasted a ten inch penis. That is a very risky thing to do. I thought about it once recently enough, when I had sex with a guy I was in-love with and who was afraid he’d ‘rip my banjo string’. We don’t speak anymore. Obviously.
    I will probably thought-neg a sex partner who shows off about his sexual competence. I learned that men find me threatening and that they like hearing that they’re responsible for my ‘orgasms’, no, you’re not responsible for my ‘orgasms’, I have to use a lot of energy to be able to do that. I have to use very specific muscles in my body to be able to do that. You actually don’t have to do very much at all to make me orgasm and it’s possible to make me orgasm within a few minutes/seconds.
    I enjoy being what people perceive as sexually submissive. I don’t enjoy men telling me that I’m ‘frigid’ because they suck at foreplay. It’s not difficult, play with my hair and stroke me and tell me cute things. I’ll tell you I don’t remember how to ‘do it’. I know you like that.Does that invite the universal-you to ‘dominate’ me? No, because my sex life has nothing to do with my day-to-day life. Also doing so will probably ruin your life.And, furthermore, I actually have no sex life, because I don’t have an official boyfriend. (I have a few boyfriends but I’m trying to make them more affectionate and generous and thats how I talk to my boyfriends when I want them to be ‘more loving’. I am fucked up.) (It is subtle but I am fucked up.)
    OBVIOUSLY I’D LIKE SEVERAL BOYFRIENDS but I care about looks and there are no attractive men in Brighton. Another issue I have is that I ‘inspire’ some guys to express a side of themselves that most women can’t, if I like a man and he connects with me, and it makes you attracted to him, that is very nice. But you won’t be able to connect with him like I can. Likewise, you might meet a man that you are very compatible with and who connects with you, but doesn’t connect with me in the same way. I like VERY MEAN MEN who aren’t mean to me. But are mean to everyone else. That is a very simplified way of putting it but also it is a HUGE compliment if I find you attractive because I rarely find people attractive. I am attracted to genius, I am attracted to funny (funny is a form of genius, especially people who are funny without preparing a repertoire of jokes in advance.) (Avoid men who ‘learn to be funny’ so they can ‘dominate’ women.)
  • If you like someone, even if it is out of shyness, do not pretend not to ‘like them’
  • Do not pretend to ‘like’ people. It is possible to dislike people but ‘love’ them in some way. When I flirt with people, it is often expressed through exchanges of dislike and emotional exchanges. I can feel your feelings, it is a survival mechanism I evolved to have from being surrounded by compulsive liars and addicts. As an infant, the safest I ever felt was in the company of addicts. And they weren’t nice people. Nor was I. (I could mansplain my life to you “I got raped at three by a doctor.” “I did not get hugged afterwards.” “It wasn’t nice.” “I cope with the experience by anime-hentai-ing myself and enjoying my PTSD look” “I don’t mind if you are sexually attracted to me and you witness all of my weird, fucked up childhood moments because you were a child yourself and also if *I* found it arousing, and we are connected enough that I love you, you’ll have found it arousing too. Yes I exist in no small part to help people identify pedophiles, if you are GENUINELY sexually attracted to me you probably aren’t a pedophile. Even if you’re not, you probably still aren’t a pedophile. We have all been children, we have all had sexual interests as children, we have all been fascinated by the body and it is never as interesting to a person as it is in childhood.I will tell you what a pedophile is: a man who invests in and collects multimedia/photographs of little children in various states of undress or humiliation, a man who seeks the unsupervised company of little children (and then arranges to be filmed hanging out and being chill with little children because he’s just a cool guy.) (you know EXACTLY what I mean, not a man that kids find attractive and who actually helps kids who are in pain by making them laugh or by teaching them to be a bit meaner, not a man who mean-big-brother advises them out of a struggle or a man who kids trust enough to ask them to help them shit or to ‘take their rectal pain’ – I mean a man who really seeks out little children.
    Who finds specific kinds of victims and arranges for them to live difficult lives, in an attempt to replicate my life story and my admittedly unusual sexuality.Girls aged thirteen and up sexualise themselves, some of them are very young because they’ve lived sheltered and protected lives, some of them connect – I mean intellectually connect with men who are much older than them. Perhaps because they’ve spent their lives in the company of adults, or because they were raised by a single parent who treated them as an equal, if only because young parents fuck up and when you fuck up, your child is either your sibling or you pass them along to a better parent.Some people are aroused by extreme imagery and very frightening sexual exchanges, which are exchanged, sometimes, by consenting adults. Often these are people who have been very affected by seeing things that most people don’t see.
    Japan has plenty of fucked up art, there are school-girl-underwear kiosks. I would buy a pair of those just because of the novelty. (I’d rather photograph myself emulating a Japanese school girl, I keep saying, I find children REPULSIVE. I HATE THEM. Some occasionally, are cool. I’ve said that Louise Pentland’s daughter Darcy has had some very funny moments. Actually I felt we connected when the two of them knew that I wanted to buy a choker so that I’d be more attractive to a guy I liked for ten years, and she asked her mother if SHE could buy a choker (her mother HELL THE FUCK NOED HER, but in a sibling way, because the three of us fancied him and he was not interested in any of us but also Darcy looks exactly like him.) (I am not “talking” to either of them but that was a few years of my life that we non-physically hung out.)I imagine that it is very flattering to be the ‘mean’ guy that ugly-kids-that’ll-be-pretty-when-they’re-older can run to, who can protect them from mean people.It is a very specific type, women who have had my life experiences are a type. I am not ‘naive’ to the reality of it, we love very intensely and we’re a lot of fun because not-much scares us and we have probably witnessed so many traumas that there is a very notable ‘inner child’ aspect of us. It is a type that men have observed, because of me and many women before me. And they do perpetuate it, but it is wealthy men that do that. I am avoiding being specific but I don’t really believe I need to be.There are tell-tale signs, of girls/boys who are victims of these kinds of pedophiles: they have very difficult lives and they are segregated from their families. They have lots of ‘visits’ from representatives of the government/the NHS, they have ‘friends’ who are affiliated with the police. I assure you that these kids are playing stupid. I had many women attempt to get me to ‘admit’ that I was being abused without being obvious about it. At about six or seven years old a woman showed me an art book that depicted a statue of two people having sex, she asked if I knew what it was. I said “no” because I was a bit of a dick and I wanted to see if she’d use the WORDS. She said they were having a special ‘cuddle’.
  • I was no longer able to trust that woman, the wife of a priest, because I knew she was a liar. I was still very nice to her but I avoided her.
  • Kids don’t need to be coddled by women who act nice so that their husbands find them more attractive. Actually they know you’re doing it, even the three years olds that perform speech impediments and act stupid. They identify somewhere in the few years of life they live that you are endeared to them. SOME OF THEM ARE GENUINELY THAT CUTE but warning of sorts – you are capable of being your opposite and so is that SUPER CUTE LOVELY ADORABLE SWEETYPOOS. And if they identify that they’ll be punished for expressing their true feelings, they’ll go on to identify how to hurt you without being cruel, or vindictive, or nasty.
  • Some people connect, through vastly different ages, I mean they really connect in some way. That doesn’t mean I endorse sexual exchanges between children and adults, because I really fucking don’t. I make jokes about kids flirting with their parents because they do. I didn’t flirt with my parents because I hated my parents. Sometimes I had very meaningful exchanges with both of my parents and
  • They should be able to have conversations in the open. There is nothing wrong with that.
  • The Virgin Mary was probably under sixteen when she had sex with Joseph for the first time. This was in a time period where people publicly attended stoning rituals in which women were buried in the ground and had stones thrown at them until they died. These people lived seeing tragedies. Crucifixion was a public event.
  • Don’t tell lies. If a man in a charity shop says “Whats yer name?” and you ask “you don’t know my name?” and they say “no” and you reply “Oh, well in that case my name is Miss Merriwether”, it is a lie but he knows you’re lying.
  • Do not abuse people and expect not to be abused back. Growing up, I was bitched about by EVERYONE I knew, friends/people I hadn’t noticed existed, and I didn’t care at all. I didn’t retaliate. I didn’t dwell on it. It didn’t affect me at all. If I abuse someone, it is because they have abused me first. Be certain of it. Don’t involve yourself in my decisions.
    Something something Aristocats, Ladies don’t start fights but they do finish them. It was a HUGE meme.
  • To L “He who strikes first wins”, it really depends on what matters to you. And in my story it most certainly isn’t true. S/He who strikes SECOND wins. For example: if you don’t win but you oppose a master, you learn from the master. If you keep losing you develop a talent for strategy. You learn not to dwell on ‘losing’, you learn to ask yourself “WHY did I lose”.

    Or do it your way. My way leads you to immortality, meditations with Gods, Angelic beings – I was raised in a Christian home, and every night my mother called the angels in. “You humans, they’d say, still believe that humans are the greatest source of Evil to exist. And you are mistaken” and aliens, communicating with animals (This year: maggots, spiders – master manifesters – birds – a cameo from some very confused ferrets, their mother called me alpha and that created a lot of issues for people who pride themselves on mind-controlling animals. People who do that should not be allowed to have animals at all.) and affecting the Planet’s rate of evolution without any help whatsoever. Raise your hand if I taught you how to use the toilet. Some people would think that was well-funny, but there are a lot of people who were never toilet trained who I am probably a God of sorts to because they’re not petrified everytime they use the toilet.

    If you have kids and you think it’s funny that I toilet trained your kids, I assure you that a DNA test with the SES will confirm that you really aren’t their mother/father. Sorry.

    L studies martial arts but he could not have studied with a master, he probably learned watching youtube. When you accept a master in martial arts, you are taught that you can ONLY use the knowledge in SELF DEFENCE.

 

Categories
BRIGHTON Nagging WIDT

KNGHTSTMPLR13

I’ve had a productive day and the laxative I took yesterday hasn’t worked. Apparently you’re supposed to take another but if you have this condition in the long term it’s a bad idea. Your body starts to rely on the laxatives. If you take a laxative just before you manage to go and your stomach is empty – then you get serious cramps. Actually if you’ve ever wanted to know what period cramps feel like, it’s like that.

The level of friendship between my audienceship (I was delighted to learn that a viewer read my blog yesterday) and myself has sort of evolved into an exchange about my bowel movements.

We’re in the over-familiar stage of relationship territory. We’re basically related now. Nono, yes.

I say this laughingly but actually toilet jokes and that humour in general grosses me out. I have momentum about speaking about this while it’s bothering me, while I try to sort it out again and I know that there are other people who suffer this that don’t have the guts that I do, to discuss it. Some people are triggered by toilet talk and it isn’t because they demand a super-human-feminine-performance from other human beings. It’s cos it’s a very real form of suffering.

You could be having the time of your life but this is the most like, silent (stop) form of bio-torture you can imagine.

I will stop writing about it because I want to manifest health but my intention really is that other people acknowledge that it’s technically a disability if you shit less frequently than a day or two apart.

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This is a thing I did today, to be productive, for my future self. If you want something to do, find a site that lets you do a thing you like to do and be your most unboring self on it. my most unboring self warns you that it is a mess and it doesn’t meet her standards of graphic design at all but my heart is warmed by my own note to myself so I’m inclined to share. I mean um. Do your future self a favour today. It could be organising a stocking/hosiery drawer. Not that millennials have those. (No, I don’t have one of those. I would like to.)

Bigcartel is one of those customisable sites that let people sell things. I wanted to make a depop account but apparently the entire universe wouldn’t let me do that, so I mosied on over to Bigcartel who are apparently doing a lowkey beta test thing, so you can sign up for a shop for FREE. I actually think that Bigcartel is quite a chic little site for selling things on. This is a designer I like who uses Bigcartel to sell clothes I have dreamt of buying for years and years and years of my life. If you are a weeb, you will like her clothes. 

She is famous because the oui/non tshirts were her thing. This is the director Sofia Coppola in one of those tshirts. Sofia C. directed a lot of films that a lot of trendy hipsters like and that a lot of under twenty-fives don’t know about. My favourite of her films are Marie Antoinette and the Virgin Suicides.

Sofia Coppola is in no small part responsible for Instagram Pastel Goths.

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In the Fashion World it is a big deal if you start or bring in a trend. Eeeven if the trend is leggings or wedges or ballet buns.

I was thinking of this L’ecole Des Femmes dress

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(which I bought after thinking about it for a million yearws) when I bought…

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Didyoureadthispostabout

The most beautiful bag in the World?

I am actually rarely taken by handbags. This handbag is my favourite ever.

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Categories
PINK WIDT

DREAMLAND

I had a busy and expensive evening.

I HIRED A PROGRAMMER FROM >>FIVERR.<<
I’m keeping no secrets about this, you know everything I do is exciting.

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Easter Eggs galore.

It is now 6 AM and SPEAKING OF IXTA EGGS: I made one of those horrendously self indulgent breakfasts. I had to take a break in between the salad and the eggs, to have a pre bacon and soggybread cigarette.

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THE WORDPRESS PUBLISH BUTTON HAS GONE FUCHSIA. TELL EVERYONE.

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screen shot 2019-01-10 at 06.46.36 < before this point of my entry I was at 77 words.

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So – I have spent the last year or so on and off tidying up my room and I’ve reached a breakthrough with my sofa. Have you been watching Marie Kondo on Netflix? YOU NEED TO. I MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE TO OR WHATEVER BUT YOU NEED TO. SHE TAUGHT ME A GARMENT FOLDING METHOD. SHE HAS SAVED ME. #rectanguru

Also ma was really kind about buying Miss Kittie this beautiful pink poodle.

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I’m so Cartman’s mom

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meets Mr Garrison.

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Categories
MAUVE PINK STYLE

P I N K

In, I think, about forty minutes I will fall asleep. My sleeping pattern is so so so kdljfsdfkgjsdfg. It’s fine – by the end of this weekend a load of things I’ve commissioned will become available to me. So exciting. To me. So… I live a lot in Dream Land (asleep or awake) … I’ve kind of walked around taking snaps of stuff. I really like documenting transitional phases, is fun

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I have almond oil in my hair. I put it on my legs too because my skin gets dry – it takes awhile to work but it does work and it’s inexpensive. I love a good “beauty” hack. If you want flowey locks you should invest in some kind of natural oil. When I was living with Lisa she told me that I should buy toiletries – creams etc – from shops run by black people (she is black, she can call black people black) and I actually bought this oil from a shop run by a brown person. (Using colour to collectively describe a culture is probably beneath 2018-internet, but I watched a Wendy Williams video where she described “white” people as “pink” and I wasn’t offended. Also I only look “white” / “pink”.) Shut up – this is boring dialogue – this rant is so I-need-to-sleep-I’m-typing-for-the-sake-of-typing-when-I-wake-up-I-will-cringe-wince.

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I got a cute duvet cover & pillow case. I’m waiting for a new sheet… This one has residue from some spray-painting stuff I’ve been doing. I don’t really have the best/safest work practices and I wiped a lot of pink spray paint out of my nose. But actually it’s kind of made me think that there should be super-light-tie-dye-ombre-faded-washes of bed clothing. V cinematic. To me.

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My room divider is nice. Everyone should have a room divider.
blog9stuff.pngI got a wig of a haircut I had a long time ago. Ugh it reminds me of this girl I was at uni with who literally only ever looked good when she and I were friends. I told her I saw a girl in topshop with short hair and a cute messy-grungey fringe and a top knot bun. She got a bob and I called it “the edwardian monk bob” on twitter when we weren’t talking. She was gossiping about me with people I wouldn’t of given the time of day, one time legit ran crying to our pervert landlord next-door-neighbour about mess our other housemates had left, particularly in the kitchen (around this time I actually wasn’t really eating very much – because I was catatonic because I couldn’t trust anyone – people thought I was paranoid because I was smoking weed – first of all, weed acts as a magnifying glass that enhances your intuition) and second of all – if you grow up around people you can’t trust, you attract people into your life that you also cant trust. It’s a cyclical behaviour and a truth of “human” behaviour that any counsellor will confirm with you. One day I’ll be awarded a complimentary PhD for my services to both psychology & psychiatry. Really.)

When I was super ill – and by ill, I mean freaking out about stuff like my boyfriend cheating on me with most (if not all?) of my friends, being robbed of stuff (five grands worth of Saffron. Pity the guy who created that karma..), being discussed by people – confronting the people who discussed me and being called names, severe anorexia, being so broke that I had no heating, being ditched by everyone that I actually really cared about… Reliving unfortunate childhood memories I had tried to forget over and over. Casually ignoring I’d had about three miscarriages (one time, a hobbit girl stood in the doorway of my kitchen talking with great passion about her super-ultra-deep feelings for about five hundred different guys, while I quietly started heating up/shaking and out of nowhere just started bleeding onto that Ikea Ofelia blanket I had on our red “sofa” and said quietly “oh I’ve just had a miscarriage” – to which she responded “oh” and then continued talking about these boys, while I ran to my room and put a pad on – and then dabbed at the blood with the kitchen sponge . She didn’t ask if I was okay or anything because obviously this chat was incredibly important. Anyway – people call me self absorbed and I thank every fucking star on the Planet (I’m leaving ‘Planet’ there because I typed that automatically, but the intended words were ‘in’ and ‘the Universe‘) that I am because if I wasn’t, I would not have survived. Anyway all of this happened, then later I realised I’m a medium – I channeled Jung and Freud at the same time. Ha.

Not insane or even actually mentally ill – just absorbent of other people’s emotions about both themselves and me, absorbent of their insanity (of which insecurity..) and mental illnesses, like depression. A weird sponge.

That girl also had a lot of things to say about my depression, that is a discussion for a more honest time. I give it about eight months. Actually she’s in my graphic novel. I did a lovely little drawing of her. She may well be the only person I’ve illustrated myself and the likeness is uncanny.

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If you look through the divider this is what you see. Fascinating right?

I bought this from Etude. Is nice. Everyone should have one.

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The upstairs hallway is being done up. I probably said before.

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These doors were installed years ago by one of my dads Arab friends? Contacts? Someone my dad knew. This door. When it comes to interiors my mother is .. uh. She pretends that she had nothing to do with this mess – it’s really, really funny.

A friend of my mother’s called Jessica, who we knew in Dubai (She used to escort distraught foreign women who had come over to the U.A.E to marry ((often abusive, actually)) Arab men – through airports – leaving behind their children.) used to joke that my family were the Simpsons.

I guess it’s true

I digress for a funfact – did you know that the internet started using ‘warm’ colours because of Godsgirls.com? A photographer called Matthew Cooke brought that in. The influence of Aesthetics is so so subtle. He, Lithium Picnic, Kelly Lind and Cherry from SuicideGirls were my favourite photographers – aside from Araki, Arnulf Rainer and also that David Lynch shoe-fetish collection of Louboutins. Y’know Instagram filters? They happened because of people like Lara Jade and even Felice Fawn (Who at 14 had a – dressed – self portrait stolen and used for a pornography. If I were her I’d have loved it)

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I get the concept of a “self hating” Jew. If anyone ever wonders – I don’t hate that I’m Arabic. If I did – I assure you I could offer you a huge list of reasons as to why it would be justified – but I actually quite like it. Apart from the like, body hair and stuff. Ive been conditioned to hate that. Like you’ve been conditioned to neg me for it.

Some Persian guy once pointed out something pretty cool about body hair – when someone is around you, the hair on your arms responds to it. He was a piece of shit though. But so was pretty much every guy I hung out with at University, even the white ones with the fanciest british accents. But y’know, men from every culture find some way of abusing women. Perhaps one day some brave woman will write a book about the abuses indigenous to various cultures. I heard Somalians are quite into female genital mutilation and beating women. British boys are into date-rape drugs and also beating women. Vikings are also into date-rape drugs. Indian guys like to harass women from cultures outside of their own, because within their own culture theres always some auntie that knows their mum. I’m more of an other-hating Jew really, I hate everyone

I’d probably really fit in in Israel actually

So uh, amongst the many thoughts/dreams/premonitions/etc that go through my skull when I’m staring – this is how I experience the entrance to my mother’s bathroom. My dad paid someone to do that. My mother let someone leave her house in that state. (The incompletely-painted floor happened years ago – when my mother started painting it… and then her leg snapped in two the day I had a pretty serious surgery.)

Categories
PINK

B A B Y P I N K

Different people have different methods of getting things done, and I think the majority of successful people are the sort that focus their attention onto a single project at a time. At one point I felt an inability to be consistent with any single idea I had, so I would often start things that would never see completion. Or I’d just not-do-anything. I am the kind of person that simply cannot find any satisfaction in focusing my attention onto a single project at a time. I am too easily inspired, too happily occupied by a vast emotional spectrum that dominates how I spend my time and how I express myself. I need a project per mood, I also need enough self acceptance to do nothing-at-all. The One-Thing-At-A-Time method DOES NOT work for me. I like to have many little projects going at once, and I work on whatever invites the least resistance in me. Kind of like a bee hopping from flower to flower. It might take a lot longer to get a result – but if I limited myself to a single thing: I would never get anything done. Nothing about me is one-tracked. I have a lot going on internally.

I think I wrote this incase someone like-minded wanted some validation for their internal conflict. Like – maybe you’re inundated with ideas that are fighting over your headspace. Maybe you do yourself a great disservice by only picking one. ANYWAY

Firstly: >> I recently blogged about a zine I intend to self publish << and my >> call for submissions << is ending in 2ish days. I’m about twenty five or so pages into putting it together and I’m very happy. I don’t have the desired 77 pages… but there’s still time. If you would like to be published in a glossy indie zine maybe you should >> check it out. <<

Secondly: This is an early-stage mock-up of another project that I am quite excited about. I’ve been on/off doing this for years. I guess I just really wanted to finally share. I am in a sharing mood, which is kinda unusual for me – in school I was the kind of person to keep my work hidden from everyone else. At my BA degree show I exhibited my work under ‘Anonymous’.

I’ll show you but I’ll keep it relatively ambiguous. It looks nothing like the new version I’ve been gradually working on for the last few months.

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