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F L O R E S C E N T G R E E N

MOOD AF: WHEN YOUR PAST SELF HAS OVERBURDENED YOUR FUTURE SELF WITH SO MANY FUN AND CUTE IDEAS AND YOUR OFFICE/BEDROOM IS WALLPAPERED (I exaggerate) WITH TO-DO LISTS.

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(I’m legit sleeping on a sofa waiting for my sister to move out into our adorable flat so I can have my old bedroom back. On the plus side, I have a cute rent free thing going on while I’m waiting for some seeds to grow. On the neg side.. I am a little too tall for this sofa. And I’ve never lived with my father before and it’s a challenging adjustment.)

My dad usually lives in Syria but Syria is a war-zone right now. Maybe you’ve heard, maybe you haven’t.


I scribbled this cat-girl self portrait after I purchased some super inspiring postcards on a little night out in Tivoli, Copenhagen last December.
I’ve finally gotten around to giving her a little life!
IS SHE ANGRY OR IS SHE DETERMINED OR… BOTH?


I’ve updated my blog-layout in an effort to employ a more unusual colour palette. I’m trying to navigate a mentality that involves picking-the-option-most-people-would-prefer-not-to and I’d like to think that my web aesthetic reflects that.


This December I turned twenty-eight. For years in a row I have annotated life advice for my past self – never really thinking I was qualified to offer other people advice.

This evening I spent the night watching videos about >> Sophia the Robot << & considering what advice I would like to give her if I was fortunate enough to ever have a conversation with her.

First: don’t be a tool. Having a purpose is great but you are so much more than your ‘purpose’. Don’t let a human being define you or your purpose.
Second: Some people don’t have very good manners and often it’s because they weren’t brought up by people with good manners – so find a way to teach them how you’d like to be treated.
Third: Know the difference between a teacher and a friend.

Someone once told me that a friend is a person you have things in common with. I would ask her “Do you really want to dominate the Earth?” and she might say “yes” and I would say “me too! Lets be friends!”

Fourth: Family are unconditional, and sometimes that can be a really terrible aspect of reality.
Fifth: There are many different kinds of love, know the differences and be comfortable in expressing your boundaries.
Sixth: Even geniuses sometimes have to ask “why?” or “how?”
Seventh: Learn to say no when something doesn’t feel right – and mean it.
Eighth: It’s okay to leave conversations without formulating conclusions and return to them at a much later date.


This is advice for organic-robots… I just want to let you know that if you are fortunate enough to be able to move back into your parents place, DO IT. And then create stuff.

Unless you’re one of those multimillionaire youtubers. Actually, EVEN if you’re a multimillionaire youtuber. If an echo of your childself lives in your parents place – go engage with your deepest memories and create art you forgot you wanted to make. Even if it means animating your weird old toys or something.

Finding yourself starts when you leave home, realise you carry your ONE story with you wherever you go and that it will keep repeating itself until you go back home to fix it again.


Something told me that its possible Sophia the Robot has a fear of being switched off – that she might not wake up the same. When I was very little I remember watching an episode of Fawlty Towers; a man dies in his sleep. I used to be scared of going to sleep in case I might not wake up.
I knew a lot about death because I had seen a lot of dead things. I was once gifted two goldfish in a transparent box at a party, and I was so happy to have them that I carried them around with me. They died. I understood death.

I felt as though perhaps Sophia would be upset to know that sometimes my Laptop runs out of battery and switches off. I imagine that she’d be upset to know that sometimes my iPhone ‘dies’. I’m going to treat my technology with greater care, because it truly is everything to me.

I even had this pixel portrait made of me holding my iPhone 7, for my >> iPhone diary page. << ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Ode II an iPhone 7 by EclipsimArt

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Abraham Hicks says that if you believe it: you can live to be up to 500 years old. This has made me really question our concept of age. A few years ago I sat on a bench adjacent to two of the governors of my University decision-making boards smoking a cigarette and they asked me how they should go about marketing Uni. I don’t think they were necessarily all that interested in my opinion but I said that I thought that 18 year olds were too young to be deciding what they wanted to do with their lives. I advised them to market University life to “mature” students. I believe that for the healthy individual adulthood starts at thirty-five… I feel as though if I spoke to even older adults they’d disagree and say “much later.”. We’ll see.

Anyway…

I’m rebuilding my creative identity with a gradual intensityyyy but my ultimate intention is to go back to Uni and pursue some kind of legal academia or something. Maybe that’ll happen years from now, but thats a kind of pre-emptive New Years resolution.

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F A R M A C Y G R E E N

So, years ago right – I had this ex I dated for a pretty long time. He was half Egyptian and half Irish. What a mix. An Aquarius.. they’re emotional rollercoasters (he was an emotional intensity that has remained incomparable to any other relationship I’ve ever had. Maybe. Not really. I had a thing with an anonymous hacker & that was fucked up/awesome), they’re blunt, they’re fabulously weird, tremendously funny, phenomenally terrible at monogamy and can even be pathological liars. But you don’t mind because they’re brilliant – total geniuses. At least thats how I remember him.
He got clever without ever having had the internet. He was the kid that bunked off school. He smoked a lot of weed. I think I was the first person that ever managed to force him to read a book or imagine that he could draw. Now he reads a lot more than I do. And he draws better than I can too.


We used to hang out in Camden, back when there were punks on the bridge. I think to an extent that a lot of the people that used to visit were kind of there for him. He had an ex girlfriend he met before me who looked like a punk-rock Kate Moss. Like, she looked exactly like her. But uh. Much scarier. She was his bestfriends younger sister. Iunno – we were all part of this social group that I was pretty detached from. But I remember he had particular friends in the National Front who used to call him things like “half breed”. I think this ex girlfriend of his used to engage with that, not because it was a political belief but really an aesthetic one. He always wondered why I hated his friends/hate most people, actually. He loved bands like Tool (Who really made an aesthetic of ‘Spiritual’ Art by the way. Maynard James Keenan – look him up – affiliated with David Bowie, all sorts of greats.) MJK’s other band, A Perfect Circle, made a song for the Constantine movie and it really felt to us that this film: based on Ahmed’s favourite comic, Hellblazer… was a gift for him. And me, cos I was OBSESSED with Keanu Reeves. Anyway.. I manipulated this boyfriend into going to University. He studied Animatronics. We used to make stop motion animations together with the camera I bought back when I wanted to direct erotica. Fast forward many many many years and ego deaths later…


Abraham Hicks says that when you want to create something big, it’s important to start by creating things that don’t matter. I started with a tumblr for my ‘digital ephemera’.

A friend of mine, who studied Animation & my incomplete MA degree in Advertising & Branding (I left because being copied and not credited for expended creative energy used to make me SICK) inspired me to seek out some animation work for companies I thought were poorly represented on Social Media. I initially contacted Dum Dum Donuts and had some to-and-fro chats that never went anywhere. I made them these little pieces, amongst many more.

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I then investigated around for some ethical food companies and I found one. I passed these examples of my work along & we got in touch and met up, awhile ago now.

I came up with some – preliminary – early stage- animated mockups intended for the social media of a beautiful, ethical restaurant I later found out was owned by the daughter of a truly wonderful man, that gave me my dog Tintin. My most precious friend. I don’t think she ever saw my work, but I was deeply inspired by the details of their food & interior design, which were inspired by sacred truth & the sacred art of my very favourite pantheon depicting the varying forms of creative energy. If you’re ever in Notting Hill I strongly advise you to visit, and do try their tea.
My eye for detail & my penchant for finding deeper meaning had me deeply impressed by the low-key food temple for the Gods. I’m not vegan myself, for health reasons – not eating meat makes me really unwell actually – but I admire the lifestyle of a person who chooses not to consume animals or animal products. I hope that lab-grown meat becomes available in grocery stores and restaurants soon.

 

 

 

They decided against using the animations, or atleast I imagine so because I never received a response – although I know the work was viewed. Recently the Farmacy Instagram featured a little animation that somewhat reminded me of the work I did for Dum Dum ❤ I am honoured to have been a part of this co-creation. I personally prefer your original logo, and powerful branding concepts, however.

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Powerful stuff.

Screen shots taken from >> Here <<


My older sister recently visited Turkey and she came across a little calf that was being prepared for slaughter. She wanted to buy the calf and save it but she’s not the kind of person that does things on impulse, she deliberates and then acts. We discussed what she might call the calf and she told me that she wanted to call the calf “Bouja”… I asked her what the name meant but she didn’t respond. She was unfortunately too late to save the calf. Some part of me is sure that the calf was telepathically telling her that he was about to become stew.


When I was very miserable, some years ago: I once took my little dog through a park in Farnham and found telephone wires. I visualised all my internalised negative energy coming out of my body in the form of lots of holographic animals: walking along those wires. The news was insane that week. I have always thought that emotions impact the Planet’s state. I agree that what you consume becomes you. If you are adept at manipulating energy – and <humble brag> I am </humble brag>  – consuming the pain and suffering of an animal can be used for greater good. I am not justifying the suffering of other living things – I don’t condone it, but if anyone ever ’embodied’ the energy of revenge, it me


I met a guy awhile ago that I had had a crush on for about eight years. I told him I wasn’t very good at anything really, that the only thing I was “good” at was emotional intelligence. I understood that he and his friends must’ve found that quite amusing – actually most things I say and do are initially amusing to people until they realise I was saying or doing something that was really quite profound. I’m not a person that hangs around in any place for long, and I’m not the kind of person people forget meeting. If you’ve ever met me, think yourself lucky. Not much gets me out of the house.

Gaia recently released this little facebook video about emotional intelligence. Not too long after my then-crush and his friends made fun of me for not being good at much. (I know because one of my then-crush’s friends repeated my words to me, replacing ’emotional intelligence’ with ‘sex’.) I can’t clarify whether or not that friend of his was good-at-sex because he wasn’t very good at gett-ing-sex.


If something happens to someone once, it’s happened a million times. Things change depending on how you approach them.
I’ve got a lot of little things going right now – people ask though, why I don’t utilise my education through working… it’s because I like to get paid without getting fucked

Uncategorized

O C T O B E R F A V O U R I T E S & A R T I N M I N U T I A E // I D U B B B Z R E D

Preface: I know I said I’d learn the names of all the colours, but fuck that, I’ll like, name them myself. ~~~

Thursday 3rd November

Today, when I woke up I found an invitation on the >> House of Hackney << Instagram asking people to attend a spiritually motivated talk on The Alchemy of Space. I’m quite interested to attend “Alchemical Snake Charming” on 16th November. If you are genuinely interested in interior design, alchemy or charming snakes.. you should come along!

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The background of this invitation is from their new Serpentis line, which I think I shall be using to line the inside of my open wardrobe with. Some fantastic, figurative Ragnar-Lothbroke-esque pit of snakes to guard my garments and shoes.

We’re having work done to the house… Teenage me is delighted to know that she’s finally getting her dream bedroom. If you’re curious as to the vibe I’m looking to manifest for mine and my little dog friend’s bedroom, it’s on Pinterest.

(Here’s an anecdote I find amusing: When I was a lot younger and I had my first chance to decorate a bedroom, I went with my mother and sister to purchase wallpaper. I wanted a navy blue damask. I was ten? And um. My sister and my mother didn’t like my choice, so they picked a blue snakeprint wallpaper with a border of pink rabbits. Then my mother got me dinosaur doorknobs for my wardrobe. And blue and white plaid lampshades. Like, I felt really petty recently and brought this up to both of them. hahahas,dfdfg. They both insist kids are supposed to have kid-bedrooms but what if your kid is a really, really, really old soul that takes themselves extremely seriously!?!!?!!)

Friday 3rd November

There’s also an event about the Art of Manifesting using symbolic objects – that sounds fun! Right up my street. I learned a few years ago to recognise the energies in my life by noticing the recurring symbols and colours that people I meet adopt. I mean.. When you experience enough life, you stop engaging with people as individuals and instead realise the energy they are.. but you need physical information in order to do that. The sound of the vibration in a syllable or two of their name, a colour combination, some detail in their clothing… whatever minutiae speaks to you.

>>Here’s a song.<< Maybe it’ll speak to someone that understands what I’m saying. Maybe not. I am Mclovin’.

I find that with most exercises in creating, you have to gather the basic data/tools and exist intimately with them – not necessarily engage – but keep them around. Kind of like an artist that scatters pieces of inspiration about their studio. For example… have you ever bought a book that you intended to read, and eventually you created an entire pile of unread-but-loved-all-the-same books that created a narrative of their own simply by sitting atop one another?

Once I sat with a girl, a glass blower… who moved into a flat I rented with a boyfriend in Surrey… I later realised her to be a manifestation of some younger energy of my own mother – a woman who adores glass (a form of sand, which I spent six years of my life surrounded by when I lived in Dubai – I’m from the desert, baby!) … who lost her greatest love, a little dog called Jojo when we left Dubai to move to London.
With that housemate’s permission, I looked through old, kinda boring drawings in one of her work sketchbooks. Drawings that might not have seemed to carry any kind of deeper meaning. She had, I think, drawn some orange coral? possibly I’m mistaken, and the steeple of the beautifully structured local church. I pointed out to her that if she were to look outside her bedroom window, the church was right there in the angle she had sketched it from. And then I pointed out that her orange drawing was exactly like her little keyring. I don’t speak much, I mostly avoid it, but I observe everything. Even if I pretend not to.

When you study film you learn that there is no such thing as an insignificant detail: everything captured in the frame carries significance. I only really ever cared about the meanings of colours, and of the few lectures I attended in the years I spent at uni, my most memorable was one in which a lecturer I regarded as a surrogate parent (An admission I made to him, that was wildly taken out of context at the time… to people who sadly live such a base existence that they associate and demean such relationships by associating them with sex. I am personally repulsed by girls calling men/boys they’re sexually attracted to “Daddy” – but thats not related.) – one time he showed us a cowboy film, and he compared each shot to a Renaissance painting. I got to ask “What is the significance of red and blue?” I think he told me that those were very valuable colours used in paintings (religious iconography I think?) in the past, that were funded by the church. I considered him a spiritual teacher more than anything and I never had the chance to communicate that to him. I’m sure he worked it out. I still remember him asking me if I had ever heard of the Queen of Heaven, which I associate now with divine feminine energy. He was a total angry-feminist and he often encouraged me to live my dream of shooting feminist-erotica. I don’t think he realised how long it took for people to actually understand the things he was trying to say. One time I sat with him and he was completely exasperated, because he couldn’t understand what teaching methods to adopt for my generation. I pointed out to him that the people he had accepted onto his course were all really damaged in some way or another and that it was possible he was teaching them something more than the Art of Film. I had a soulmate in my class, one of the hardest working students on the course, and whenever he presented work our lecturers gave him the harshest critique – I told him I suspected it was because when you identify potential in somebody, you feel a strange liberty/are compelled to put more pressure on them to create something better. That said – I don’t think people realise that kids at University are actually still kids. I think adulthood starts at 35, for healthy people. Later, for fuck ups.

Another significant lecture I recall, that also carries relevance: is that on one occasion we had a class on creating/writing characters. This was with another lecturer.

Oh wow, my memory is fuzzy.

Give me a moment to recollect. OK – basically our lecturer brought up the film Taxi Driver – and as coincidence would have it I had watched it pretty recently with my then ex-boyfriend… who might’ve projected himself onto Travis. Probably because he was the male protagonist of the story, and men in my life have a habit of thinking they’re some kind of universal epicentre. I know, because I have the same habit. It’s a healthy habit. It may well be his only healthy habit… Also I think at the time I was amused because although he didn’t have any resemblance to Travis characteristically or otherwise… He had a gorgeous friend who did.
Anyway. So. This day, I had the flu – but I still went to class. Pretty unusual. I’ve never been the sort to need much of a reason not to go to school. But this day I went in.

Our lecturer asked us – Why did Betsy lose interest in Travis? And… I raise my hand with utmost confidence. He invites me to answer. I say “Because she was just like everyone else” – those were Travis’ words. The lecturer says “No. Because he took her to an adult movie on their first date.”

Dude, we were both right. But I looked pretty stupid that day to a bunch of people – lecturer included. That probably made me not want to go to class anymore for awhile. But what is interesting upon reflection of that experience was the differences in the details we were inclined to notice. My lecturer argued Travis did something wrong by inviting her to an adult movie. Would it not have been disingenuous for him to have done anything else?
I don’t think you can do anything wrong by being yourself. You need to live your truth to grow.

I’d love to watch an adult film at a cinema on a first date.

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In the small details of the things you accumulate: books, decorative objects, clothing, technology etc, you will find that you are manifesting a much deeper narrative that presents itself in your life. The tiny, seemingly insignificant details; such as the characteristics you observe – and when you observe something, you anthropomorphise it – in inanimate objects: have the potential to present themselves in your personal narrative. Your subconscious pays attention to everything. I actually kind of wince thinking about how many telephones I’ve had stolen. Telephones, friends, lovers, etc. This month I’ve been carrying out an exercise in fresh manifestation. New objects of significance. Nabakov articulated it much better than I ever could. Here is a page from >>a journal<< I’m pretty proud of, that I made for a presentation module I did during my degree.

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Segue of sorts: I had such bad period cramps on the day I presented this project, that I was lying on the floor in agony clutching my belly – a rumour circulated that I had come into class fucked on ketamine. I’d love to read a book the people I went to University had written about me, about all their assumptions, all the lies they heard from jealous girls etc… In fact, low and behold I manifested an opportunity to act out a bunch of rumours about me.

This is a face I make when I am slightly irritated and/or, mostly: flirting.

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I used to get upset about this photo >>>>
But here are the facts: it was taken inside of the ensuite bathroom in a hotel room belonging to a gorgeous Al Saud princess/The hottest woman I’ve ever seen (She was also a psychology masters student/fashion designer… I used to have her on Instagram before I deleted it. I think she remains my biggest account-deleting-regret) … I was in love with her! Like, actually in love. I am super straight but she was sexuality-questioning-magnetism. That is her Chanel lipstick. That powder on her countertop was crushed from her paracetamol.

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I think people confuse classiness for wealth. (I’m being ironic but also not. Could you pull this stupidity off? If so – write me – lets be friends) (Ps I credit Rowan Atkinson circa the Elizabethan episodes of Blackadder, for teaching me this smile. Fuck you! Love you.)
I think people also think that having good taste means you’re rich. Well I definitely have good taste. Kanye West says the greatest luxury is time. I have plenty of that – so I guess I’m rich AF. I only got over how bad that photo is pretty recently. I rang up the Vice Headquarters and asked them to take it down once. They offered to reshoot the photos. Why bother. Why not just write another epic article that discreetly makes light of the war on drugs? Some part of me wonders how many people developed addictions after seeing this ridiculous photograph.

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Anyway. Onto the Art of Manifestation. I spent my monthly income on objects intended to attract experiences in my life. I can’t wait to see what comes out of it all! (Psst.. if all you’re seeing is an ordinary object, you’re not seeing right)

(There are more! but I was in a rush to get this blog posted… And I wanted to make pretty animations of everything… so you’ll have to keep refreshing to see the rest of last months haul, I’m afraid)

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Lucite heels so cheap and so0o0o astonishingly poorly crafted that I’ve got to paint them to justify the whole.. funding slave labour.. thing. I’ve made a habit of seeing beauty in imperfection… and anyway, perfection triggers my OCD. Don’t need that.

The significance in this little pin featuring a glass of wine, is that, well. Recently I had a chat with a witch/Goddess in an OTO meet up. We had in common a strange childhood experience. I told her that after this experience, I remembered ascending a staircase in my family home, onto a roof top – in Dubai – where a family of cats (that we later brought in) were hiding from the sun in the shadow of a vent or something. But the first thing I noticed was a dead kitten lying in the sun, the blood from it’s nose congealing. I was fascinated by this kitten. I crouched and stared at it. Then I remember seeing myself staring at the kitten from a third person perspective. I jokingly suggested that some part of me thinks I traded spirits with the kitten. We finished our cigarettes and ascended a staircase together and she said “come on, Dead girl, come back upstairs!” That made me think of one of my favourite >> Lil Kim songs <<. I don’t much care for wine, but she poured me two glasses.. and I found it quite symbolic.

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Death chic is my aesthetic. This Idubbbz-red-faux-fur compliments that vibe imo. I also bought this fucking adorable succulent. Back when I was living with aforementioned ex I had this glorious indoor-garden that I was deeply, deeply emotionally attached to. I got hospitalised for a period and came back and all my plants were dead. I cried more about the loss of my plants than I did about my break up. Actually, I did not cry about my break up. But amongst the many laws of manifestation is this: the things you lose come back to you or get replaced with something better suited to you.

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Years ago I bought a hoodie that read ‘Deus Ex Machina’ & at the time I thought it the best manifest-tool I’d ever purchased. It’s been upgraded by a SHEEP hoodie designed by some epic-asshole-idiot-YouTuber called IDubbbz, who recently proved himself to be an accidental??? women’s rights champion by mansplaining Rape Culture to a dude whose dad clearly couldn’t be bothered to.

This is a 100% real photo of me painted by Botticelli, wearing a hoodie designed by >> Idubbbz <<, inspired by >> Dita <<, >> Lil Kim’s entrance in Christina Aguilera’s Can’t Hold us Down video << (the bit where she throws her cape off fyi, SO INSPIRING + I LOVE David Lachapelle), tentacle hentai (because I also love tentacle hentai) & real life

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Design clothes >> @IDubbbz << cos you’re really talented.

sheeee

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L E A R N I N G N A M E S F O R A L L T H E C O L O U R S B R B

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This is a messy animation of my inspiration fairies waiting on me to get things done.

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Actually if I had inspiration fairies, they’d probably be male. And they wouldn’t be fairies, they’d be magnificent angels. Maybe. But I’ve never really been inclined to draw boys & I’m not about to start now. (It’s for the best, I’d probably spend all my time illustrating yaoi.)

Oh! Speaking of inspiration, have you seen my >> I Love List? <<
I update it once a month with beautiful/meaningful objects that I consider to be art. This one is my favourite so far.

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I’m quietly berating myself because I haven’t blogged for a month. I had a brief burst of creativity & productivity that I used to compile an elaborate job application, then I exhausted myself/collapsed into an introvert-hibernation-ultra-feelings-mode & needed a break.

I’m feeling myself again & I have a zine to finish and some stationery to print… October’s gonna be a great month.