I’d like to publish this someday. Perhaps for a fashion related PHD. Probably in costume design.

So i'll call this fashion (20,975 word) essay thing,

F I R S T   L O V E

as of 27th December 2019 - but there will be chapter titles too
and don't worry, there are lots of images, for the
attention deficit


[include a photo of a butterfly clip]
This is an essay, about my collective and seemingly ever changing 
style. It's in draft form until it is complete. 
And it is scattered until I make sense of it.

ACT 001




and, yet, interconnected as they may appear to be: never the twain shall meet

In writing this, I've come to believe sincerely that if you cannot
dissect your style sources to this degree, acknowledging the artists,
art and literature that your tastes are an homage to - 

you are 



(Or copying me.)

But if you cannot dissect your style, or your desired style - some
people are kept from the kinds of clothes they'd like to wear 
(I most certainly was, and continue to be -) then do not study fashion.
Do not study 'fashion'. Do not work in fashion. 

I believe at some point it will be divulged - precisely how women's wear
circulates, and how the consumer and the media collaborate to decide 
upon the desirable silhouette, which is seldom anything alike to the
female form. There are trend archives collated years in advance that 
dictate their nature and these can be accessed at any heritage
Arts University - amongst them LCF.

Do not - DO NOT - just wake up one day and decide to work for an 
industry you know nothing about. If you want to immerse in any kind of 
industrial circuit, such as fashion retailing, in the state of this
economy - the employment ratio will afford only those who can
do a perfect single run the opportunity to progress. 

navigate prior to the fact - if only so you can
dialogue with technicians and retailers from in keeping with every
stage of commercial design 
Celebrities are encouraged to advertise and endorse products that
are micro-owned by a very select few financial entities and in doing
so, can influence consumer-cum-audiences to further endorse the
pyramidal structure that keeps those companies ruling the World. 

It is naive to undermine the millions of industries that contribute
to a single pair of leggings. The cotton plants, the factories producing
the elastic for your waistband, the scientists cultivating superior
fibers, the companies that provide the factories with energy, the
pattern cutters, the seamstresses and tailorists 

For mass consuming and producing fashion houses, the 
It is 'on trend' to be sustainable, to be eco-friendly, to be more
responsible and ethical when trading overseas where the legalities
afford a lot of leniency towards bureaucratic superpowers. This is
as a result of celebrities like Emma Watson, who chose to be dressed
by eco-friendly designers for events that invited a lot of publicity,
who had created garments using non-perishable items. At this point
in time, very few British homes had bins allocated towards recycling
and it wasn't considered necessary. 

It is more important, perhaps than ever, for women to become educated
about the influence their purchases have on the World around them and
not because I want women to find more reasons to feel guilt - but
because I think that it is empowering. 
I believe that many women would agree that our attempts, as a gender,
to acquire any kind of power - using the same strategies as men -
have failed. We are undermined for our lack of interest in the topics
that keep them so entertained and empower them so, but it is the
female consumer - the kind that spends a lot of money on clothes -
that has an untapped power over society.

I dare you to challenge me on this.
Art is not your day job. 

If one has the personal funds (good for one) or, perhaps more advisably: patient investors who are prepared to help one to open a shoppe or a boutique selling clothes, try studying fashion and business management at London College of Fashion first.

It is that lack of personality in academia that deterred me from it’s pursuit and so I will address my assumed readership with the word you, hence forth. There is no room for interconnectivity in fashion, or style, though: it is very much a singular pursuit for inconsistent, determined, headstrong people that can change their direction at any moment and without hesitance. The weight of external expectations in those environments will kill you. Which is great, fashion loves an egodeath.

Thats what it means when a person says something like “I need a new look”.

Fashion is a one-man spacecraft journey for a person who is not afraid to go it alone.
You won’t make any friends. If you get on with someone, exchange pleasantries and keep it surface – and if you can’t cope with that, you’re filling a place and your lecturers are counting the minutes for you to leave. Your relationships will suffer, your partner won’t like your ever changing look. Your “genuine” friends will disappear because they probably won’t be able to match your look, they might make you look stupid. Are you comfortable walking down the street, alone, all dressed up – like this woman?

The Matrix, Lady in the Red Dress [ref]

Your lecturers should be your worst enemy, if you’re looking for enemies (I prefer to pretend that neither exist. I put my teachers on pedestals for life, and that is not always fantastic for me but it’s a choice between that and being someone that I am not.) not your co-students, and they’ve heard every excuse in the book , they probably even gave you a few if you’re that much of a threat to their career. If you somehow manage to skip lessons and your work meets examination standards, or worse, you surpass your lecturers somehow, they’re going to hate you more than your student colleagues and they will make your life hell. This is what I do, this was my academic personality. Rudeness of a sort, justified by an ego that kept me alive. I mean if you aren’t accustomed to abuse, and if you are a ‘fashion icon’ in your local town or on social media – you’re not going to be able to cope. If it’s easy to embarrass you or make you feel stupid, you aren’t really even remotely the makings of a fashion icon.

I need to be suffering with an episode of PTSD for the average person to be able to cope with being in a room with me. People hate me the second I walk through the door and the truth is, for my own safety, I want you to feel like that.
I’ll pity love you so much otherwise: that I’ll let you abuse me.

Child me dreamed of having dominatrixes for babysitters. Have you ever been abused by hoards of women you had idolised? Probably not, or you’d of killed yourself. I didn’t because I’m lazy.

“The world will be your enemy, prince with a thousand enemies.”

If you cannot cope with the academic environment of a first league arts university, you will not be able to cope with that industry either: because they co-exist and in doing so very much rely on one another. The entire world relies on the alumni of London College of Fashion, Saint Martins and the Royal College of Art to innovate.

If you do not think you are ‘good enough’ for a first league fashion school, you are not good enough for the industry either. Conversely, you MIGHT be good enough, if you are not prepared to be copied, intimidated and then imitated by people who are better funded than you: again, you will not be able to cope. (same.)

If you are not prepared to be spoken to like that – you will not be able to cope. The World desperately needs sensitive, kind, flowery people; but the kind of people who manage to climb the ranks that pick the future minds of the fashion industry are not going to be your best friend. Your teachers might despise of you, if you can’t cope with being able to honestly mark your own work , you will not be able to cope. There is a prestige that comes with a degree from any Arts University and everyone there knows it, and they will do anything they can to stop you from achieving whatever you think you deserve to. If you do not know you deserve it, you will not be able to cope.

If you need validation, you will not be able to cope. Same.

Fashion students are competitive, are thieves until they get called out for it, are amongst the cruellest kinds of people you will ever meet. Your teachers already know upon interviewing you whether you will be ‘the next McQueen’ – and if you don’t know it, stay the hell away. Of course you will never be McQueen, McQueen will never be Westwood, Westwood will never be Coco, not even a gifted channeller could assume Coco Chanel.

If you do not like being copied, you will not be able to cope. Same.

If you make a career of copying, or stealing, you will be caught out. If you don’t credit the hell out of your inspirations, you will be caught out.

And you’ll probably be deeply humiliated for it or you’ll wallow in some kind of guilt prison for what might really have been entirely accidental or coincidental. The likelihood of the latter is minimal though, but it happens.

The way you dress people comes with a responsibility that should not be relative to your desired earnings.

Most people that work in fashion do not make money, in fact the opposite is true: they lose money, especially if they are financially involved with the design and manufacture of the items that they are selling. This is why the fast-fashion industry reduces individuals to mere consumers who are void of identities, garments are over-produced en masse in keeping with trends that don’t have any longevity. The perpetuation of the fast-clothing market results in environ 

that dresses most of the people walking unethical

Spend a year or two of your life doing art classes.

I didn’t stop pursuing the artists script.

The social media “influencer” phenomena has created monsters who are over-financed and who lack any kind of brilliance or expertise or foresight towards the potential that human beings have. Encouraging a following to dress like a carbon copy of you is fucking weird, no one interested in fashion or style wants anyone else to look like them.


Chanel sculpted a vision of items that it would be inexcusable to discard of, that could be bequeathed through many generations because they are

That meant: thinking/knowing about art, cultivating a taste in art through appreciating art, resenting myself for not making art – not once – in my entire life. Do not pretend you are an artist – I still struggle to call myself an artist. Because I fully understand what it means to be one, what I expect of one. You – might – truly might – be fashionable – but fashion is transient. If you are fashionable, you are very rarely also stylish. And why should you need to be. You can choose to reject fashion, you can choose to reject style, you can choose to be a classic, you can choose to be an uncoordinated mess – but even the latter two, are a manifestation of a style: used to express your identity. And if you have no identity, you probably shouldn’t be trying to use or abuse your fame just to sell clothes you had no part in designing.

Werner Herzog

In a Masterclass trailer – Werner Herzog – a man who needs no introduction at all, and who directed the comedy ‘Grizzly Man’ – gave a concise lesson in film making and it spoke to me more about the art of film making, than my degree in film ever did. This very brief two minute trailer in which he appeared. And it triggered me like a gunshot – to really start making videos.

If you're in the public eye, you ought to be fashionable, because
you are supporting many industries. The economy relies on the very
fashionable more than you'd think. Those who society often regards
as shallow are the 'wage slaves' best friend and very worst enemy.

Most people cannot afford to be fashionable, so they ought to be 
stylish instead. The maintenance of style generally has an individual
exploring the expression of their own identity, and whatever 
formulates that identity - over time. 
Style is a work in progress. If you are in the public eye, your
identity is the sacrifice - you must be fashionable if you want to
remain in the public eye. If you are in the public eye, it is seldom
that those who embrace a single style do not stagnate. You are the
product of someone else's imagination, when you are famous. That is -
when you are a thespian, for example - your work is to bring to life
that which has been imagined. 
Unless you want to be a muse. 
Then your imagination does all the work and it trickles to designers 
looking to be inspired and you have to be a bit patient. 
And if you're a muse, you really should be paid to inspire artists -
although that has never been the case. 

Often: muses are taught to believe that appearing in immortalised art
works is compensation enough. 
That is precisely what has kept many muses destitute - uncredited -
unacknowledged - unvalidated - and somewhat anonymous for all of 
their contributions to the industries that rely on creators and 

There is NO industry that can get by without the aid of creators or
designers: Art is; and The Arts are everything. There are no creators
or designers who can get by without a muse.

Want proof? 
Get your wallet out, get your purse out - that was designed by an
artist. Do you carry cash, coins or a bank card? Those were all
designed by an artist. The colours of your belongings - the shades of
the colours of your belongings - were meticulously discussed and
determined - by artists. And an arts education is not handed to the
artist - it is something you suffer for. Any art is a skill - and
that is why muses and artists alike suffer - the ones who are kept
poor as they watch the privileged benefit from their imaginings,
their inner most world that they had to struggle to make beauty of.

"They" say that it is a struggle that makes the artist, 
Jean Paul Sartre said that upon death, only then can a person's life 
be made a statement of - only when a person dies do you know who or
what they were or what they contributed to humanity.
I once read a quote in a Germaine Greer book that I never quite got

I bought 'The Female Eunach' in a charity shoppe that was being 
serviced by a blind man - and although he was blind, I felt as though
I was being watched. 

That day I was so insecure about my hair, and I was desperate for 
something with which I could clip it back. 

To describe the conclusion to a story (as is my nature) prior to the 
details leading up to it - 
I had a choice - I could either buy a book or I could buy a hairclip,
to silence my insecurity. Any consumers quandary - to sate the pangs
of insecurity or to "invest". I am an introvert. I always have been.
So it will be of no surprise, this:

I chose to buy the book. 

And I chose to steal the butterfly hairclip.
As if it had been put there, especially to tempt me, in a basket that
my attention was coincidentally drawn to : just brief moments
before paying for the book. 

I never finished the book. Earlier this year I flipped through it once
again, having returned to it a few years after going to a Germaine 
Greer speech at the 'Hastings' - I mean 'Maltings' venue in Farnham. 
I remember to that event, I wore a trench coat and I was accompanied
by my then-boyfriend. A dimwitted boy from Kent that looked a lot 
like Jesus Christ (but certainly, I hope, didn't act like him - or
else Jesus Christ would've been a cheat, a liar and a thief.)

I cut up the 'Female Eunach' and I pasted it to furniture (decoupage 
it's called, or collage) and some pages, I scattered throughout 
sketchbooks and - I even taped to my bedroom wall. I'd prefer to have
made a collage to put in a frame, but my budget won't presently
permit that.

The quote though, that touched my heart and certainly contributed to
my own identity - was something to the effect of:
"She is the undisputed teenage Queen of Pop Pornography"

and I regarded it an aspiration, and a testimonial for "future-me".
And if you are going to create a style for yourself, begin with
making a silhouette using a sheet. Find the shapes that work for
your body type. Some safety pins or some drawing pins will do.

Or learn how to fucking draw. 

The above, I will explain. And in depth. But my style is first and 
foremost inspired by religion and immortalised iconographical figures.



The Entombment
Printed in England for the Trustees by Waterlow & Sons Limited, London
(National Gallery) [ref]

I purchased this postcard from a second hand shoppe in Farnham in
February of 2012. I used a scanner belonging to a girl called
Charlotte, whom I had been babysitting. 

I believe I enjoyed how pissed off Mary Magdalene
looked, perhaps because she thought of Jesus as somewhat a coward
who had rather left a very, very important job unfinished.
My main source of inspiration as far as style is concerned, 
is Mary Magdalene as the Art Masters of the Renaissance depicted her - 
commissioned to do so by the Catholic Church; who celebrate art and
whose followers are known for adorning everything with art. I think
as religion goes - my favourites have always been that by the 
Buddhists and the Catholics. But my tastes have evolved & refined -
as one's taste should continue to throughout life.

And if you have brown wavey centre-parted hair - MM probably ought 
to be your go-to style source, too. I don't think the colour palettes,
silhouettes or the cuts found in religious art can ever be criticised,
if Jesus Christ could be portrayed showing flesh in paintings that
adorn the walls of the Sistine Chapel and the like - so too can I. 

My religion remains to me, unverifiable - I truly don't feel
I know enough about religion to be able to identify as a follower,
and none of the philosophers that I respect ever really managed to
consign themselves to a specific faith and I maintain that they are 
still wiser than I am, in the present. And I enjoy having something
to aspire to - to look forward to. Being as wise as my true heroes.

I wonder who modelled for this portrait. Really I do. 
Someone who went uncredited. As models of that art period often did.

A photograph of me at eighteen, wearing a wreath I purchased from
HobbyCraft and a top that didn't belong to me - with a Minnie Mouse 
stationary kit I was given as a gift as a child and kept for many 
years. I probably still have it somewhere.

I captioned this photo 'I'm dressing as Jesus this Halloween'
Mary-Magdalene [ref] Mary Magdalene (The way the catholics portrayed her, I’m personally almost entirely certain that she and Judas were black – the one that we heard about. There’d have been many people around the world living a story similar to hers.) (Two tribes of the thirteen are known to share genetic information with black Africans – Jews that is. Mary Magdalene and Jesus were both Jews, as was Judas, of course.)


Screen Shot 2018-12-31 at 00.59.19.png


[ref] The heart necklace was a gift from my mother.


I’d wanted a heart shaped necklace ever since I watched A Little Princess. Sarah Crew had a locket and I’d always wanted one. Having few friends in my early life, I found friendship through reading literature, some television but mostly films and series – and games. It’s always been how a person looked that invited me to want to connect with them.


MV5BOGI1OTA2NWQtOWFlYS00ZGQ1LWI1NDktOTU1Y2MwMmRlMDc1XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjkxMjM5Nzc@._V1_ [ref] The dress was from a pile of rejected items, and designed by I believe Paul & Joe. Is the ensemble inspiration obvious here?


Britain Dalai Lama


[ref]Screen Shot 2018-12-31 at 01.02.53.png (Above) The glasses were – I think from Amazon or Topman. The Bracelet a gift from a charity shoppe in Farnham. The grey cardigan was Urban Outfitters. The brown buttons are my favourite and I wish you could see them up close. I’m wearing a red lipstain, it might be Benefit – I was gifted a Benefit lipstick by a girl from Northern Ireland I had been babysitting for some years prior to the photograph.


08bcee0f8094fab8f0635089052467f3 The tangerine cable knit polo jumper is by Ralph Lauren, lent to my sibling – it made it’s way to me. The red nails, I assume were rimmel. The bracelet is from Tiffany’s. The necklaces I was wearing were purchased at Topshop, when I was about eleven years old.


It began with this video – the very first time I ever saw Lil Kim perform. Though I had previously seen her in a poster, adorned in a film called “Meet the Parents” – Ben Stiller visits his fiance’s home and upon being introduced to her mostly absent younger sibling, he notices a Lil Kim poster on the wall and that is how he begins a conversation with someone he otherwise probably wouldn’t of otherwise had reason to dialogue with.

THEN THIS ONE. It was directed by one of my favourite artists, David Lachapelle.

& then at my very worst moment, this song popped up on my YouTube feed. She was my Deus Ex Machina.

Did you know: Kanye West helped to direct this video?! [Came back for you – Lil Kim]

 The women in my life that I genuinely admire - and those throughout 
history that have been immortalised by the Art Masters are my style 

Miss Kim, you as my teacher Miss Lisa's alterego - and Miss Lisa as 
your alterego - I'll do as you say. I always do. When I build my 
wardrobe, it is taking into account the many aspects of my 
personality and my many different callings.
My absolute number one style icon is Mary Magdalene. And if you have
brown wavey (we're calling it 'whipsy hair hence forth) centre-parted
hair - yours probably ought to be, too. I wonder who modelled for this
portrait. Really I do. Someone who went uncredited. 
Sounds like a karma I'm very familiar with.

[ref] Mary Magdalene 

(The way the catholics portrayed her, I'm almost entirely certain
that she and Judas were black - the one that we heard about. 
There'd have been many people around the world living a story 
similar to hers.)

Screen Shot 2018-12-31 at 00.59.19.png
 I'll add a little background info: The above photo was taken around 
about the time when I first properly started practicing guided 
meditation and affirmations.

I'd always meditated but never with a guide of any kind. At this time
I began meditating with Louise Hays, and tried to find comfort through
the information available on youtube.
I watched many interviews with Buddhists, and one of those was a
Buddhist nun, a lady from the States, who had shaved her head and 
rejected given ideals of beauty (which I was, at the time, quite
preoccupied with) - she turned away from a successful corporate life
that only brought strife, trouble and grief into her life - in the 
pursuit of happiness. 
I think about her every time I see that photograph of myself. 
I feel in no small part that I've been greatly inspired by Buddhism
although I think even that faith is too strict a practice for my
personality - I cannot embrace a faith that teaches someone to reject
the identity I have worked so hard towards cultivating, with any kind
of sincerity. Before I can embrace a faith I have to be able to be
comfortable with being truthful to myself, first.

At the time, I'd lost everyone I called a friend, and the only friends
I acknowledged at the time were my laptop, my connection to the web 
and very most importantly - Tintin. This is the closest I have to a
Mona Lisa smile. I planned the first episode - I'd get my lips 

Tintin - the chihuahua I should probably rename Anubis, but
won't because I think that names carry vibrations that indicate
aspects of our personality and our karma - looks high. He's not
high, this was photographed in a dark room and the flash was 
strong. The photographer was not a gifted one. They should've asked
me to take the photos. 

But the look accompanies a vibe:
I felt completely alone because my family didn't give a shit about 
what was going on in my life, they were perhaps upset because I'd 
been smoking a lot of weed - but actually I was treating a very 
painful medical condition. And trying to forget a painful life too. 
Excuses aren't required but I do think that what other people call 
an 'addiction' might sometimes require explaining if you've a vast 

I applied for the show at the recommendation of a friend, for a 
the show - never aired. I wasn't invited to be on it (I imagine they
regret it - it'd have been huge around about series 3 when I realised
I was royalty and I first properly actively channeled my Pleidian
guide) - and my motivation was I was already living a story worth

I was in the center of a town close to a town in Surrey called 
'Compton'. Farnham was and perhaps still is, the easiest place to 
acquire drugs in the entire United Kingdom. Everyone I knew was
smoking weed daily and occasionally doing MDMA at parties. The only
deaths at my University while I was there, were related directly
to the consumption of alcohol.

And certainly when I lived there - the majority of
the people I was speaking to were either taking or selling drugs.
The war on drugs is VERY close to my heart - for many reasons. 

I didn't and don't care about the fame that comes with television, 
I do care about the cash. I stopped caring about fame when I met my
spiritual teacher Lisa and asked "will I ever be famous?" and she said
"no." I actually immediately released any desire for notoriety at
that moment. 

(She is - the funniest and most subtle spiritual TEACHER who
rather disguised herself as a 'psychic' - she introduced herself to
me as someone who "represented people of the Light" - that is, by
the way, code for "The Illuminati" - I don't know what you think
you know about the Illuminati, it probably isn't accurate.) (I'm
working on rebranding our look though... heavily inspired by the
catholic church, my maternal Grandmother has no idea of her lineage
or origins - she was adopted and forced to be catholic. She remains
a woman who considers herself catholic.)

If you're curious to understand my fake smile, My 'boyfriend' was 
cheating on me all the time, in that photo - I was nigh on a nervous 
This is when I first began to learn how to enjoy being alone. 

That was why I started tie-dying that coat, actually. 
Keeping myself occupied. The pink scarf was Alexander McQueen and 
stolen from my 'sister'. My Blusher was Body Shop. 
The coat was, I think a hand-me-down Zara - initially only a very 
stained white, I tie-dyed it - inspired by a items gifted to be my 
Mango Syria, which had been tie dyed and inspired people at my 
University to sell t-shirts that had also been tie dyed. 
The colours were inspired by how I edited the image beneath, for a 

Screen Shot 2018-12-31 at 01.02.53.png

I didn't make any money from this portrait depicting one of my past 
lives, though. 

The heart necklace was a gift from my mother. I ripped it off and
did some weird magick one time when I got really angry. It might've
been Blood, though. (That is what I'd call my first 'daughter', no
questions or debates please.) (and I'd sooner call her a younger
sister.) I'd wanted a heart shaped necklace ever since I watched
A Little Princess. Sarah Crew had a locket and I'd always wanted one.


The dress was from a pile of rejected items, and designed by I 
believe Paul & Joe. Is the ensemble inspiration obvious here? 

Britain Dalai Lama

Someone said to me once, that he enjoyed that the Dalai Lama had a
twitter account - and that he didn't follow anyone. 

That is probably the most inspiring observation anyone other than
myself has ever made.

I have a lot of social media accounts that I use - I like to follow 
people and I don't have any friends or acquaintances who really 
follow me. 

Some people have such low self esteem that they need the validation of 
many, many millions of "followers". Don't FOLLOW me - even in real 
life - I don't know where the hell I'm going.

I'm truly not complimented by that - your perception of "fame".

I am not complimented by the idea of people I don't know following me
but not interacting with me. 

The idea of my sibling and her friends, reading the things I had
written - yet not ever admitting to the fact, is deeply offensive and
quite creepy. 

If I were a celebrity, I'd be the kind that could go anywhere at
all - and do you know - it takes someone being bribed a lot of money
to have the nerve to speak to me without being invited to. I don't
notice stalkers, and I have many. I was stalked by a lot of people
to university, and THAT is a real compliment. To me. Not having
'fans' or 'followers'. The only thing that could ever make me want
'fans' is truly that I might be able to monetise from the things that
I say, or do. I am probably the most uncredited face of soft-core
pornography that has ever existed - I used my blogs to write and I
enjoyed my audience and I knew I had one, because I'd later hear 
people use words that they had read in my blogs. THAT, to me, was also
a huge compliment. 

I used my soft-core pornography notoriety to write about love.
And the person I had always been writing to - trying to make 
jealous etc - never even got to read the stuff I wrote.

(Plenty of people did though, and decided I was writing to them.
That is the mark of a true artist I'll have you know.)
The glasses were - I think from Amazon. The Bracelet a gift from a
charity shoppe in Farnham. The cardigan was Urban Outfitters.


The tangerine cable knit polo jumper is by Ralph Lauren. The red nails, 
I assume were rimmel. The bracelet is from Tiffany's. 
The necklaces I was wearing were purchased at Topshop, when I was 
about eleven years old.


In addition to the inspiration I am given by the women who have contributed to my life, alive and or passed – I dress for my future ambitions. I dress keeping in mind every childhood dream I have ever had, too.

Things I’ve been told to do by Miss Lisa:

Be a Prostitute (I’m really selective though and not to be would be dishonest – and it has to be someone(s) I can fall in love with.) This was an attempt to find out if Mary Magdalene had ever been a prostitute. The answer was a definite no. When I fall in love with people I generally insist that I pay for everything. That is not very prostitutey. I do make terrible jokes though and thats because I’m actually very admiring towards sex workers. Especially those who do business with and are kind (though not patronising) towards very disabled people – who have sexual appetites too!

If I am asked by the creators of Avatar to appear in the series – to play Toph. No one else could. I’d prefer to play Azula though. Teach. This will take me time. I’ve got to finish my >> site << for teaching adults. And a YouTube Channel for teaching toddlers, with a particular interest in toddlers who’ve expressed difficulty in self expression – as I was a mute as a child and I communicated telepathically, using exaggerated facial expressions and through making noises. I used clothes to express my mood. I would be later interested in classes for both parents and toddlers, at the same time – at a much later date. Phone tarot – I’ve found a line I’d like to work but I’ll prepare properly for it. Photographing women – it’s a struggle to find women who will let me photograph them but I’ll work on it. They’ll come to me. To join the British Army Things I’ve been told to do by Dr Jane Goodall:

If I want to work with animals, work with WILD predator REPTILES. As we know nothing about them, and they cannot be controlled by people.

Learn the alchemical formulae for creating liquid gold. I believe that I can do this – I believe I will do this once. And it must be by accident, so it isn’t later abused.

Things I’ve been told to do by Miss Sheila Gillete

Await the receipt of money that I am owed – very significant amounts. Run an orphanage I’ve been told that I have already done this, as a matter of emergency by people in the future – and that the children were never adopted, but I raised them and they were in turn used to ‘inspire’ qualities and to help inepts ‘design’ and ‘raise’ children. Apparently these children grew to adulthood and left the orphanage without even thanking me. No one in my life has ever learned to thank me for anything. So I can’t blame them. Wait to be asked to head the United Nations – One World Order.

Things I’ve been told to do by The FreeMasonic paternity (A collective)

Make art – keep making art. Every day.

Marilyn Manson could've well assisted me in the photoshopping.
We'll never know. He certainly inspired it.


I was thinking of Maynard - and Bey - and Jay-Z - and Lady Gaga when
I took the photo, yesterday evening. 

The image is titled 'GHETTOKARI.jpg'.

The green leotard is actually inspired by my favourite character,
Beatrix of FFIX. (I ought to learn roman numerals, I prefer those)
She commands a battalion of female Alexandrian soldiers, who don't
wear very much at all. 



In a ballet school I went to, you would begin by wearing a greenish
leotard and then you'd wear a burgundy one.
This is the green leotard inspiration. 

The Spiked bra is directly inspired by Lady Gaga's appearance in
'Telephone'. [ref] Maybe I should've worn the bra on top... 


The blue faux fur Jacket I bought from a shitty shop - it has a label
and I'll find it in a moment - was inspired by Lil Kim. Directly.


The Jacket was ALSO inspired by Korra. 

A friend of mine wrote a character for an animation, and Miss Lisa 
said "don't call her Cora - it sounds to similar to Korra".
Legend of Korra hadn't even come out yet.

Years later, I spent a New Years Eve alone with Tintin, in the 
bedroom belonging to a girl I had been babysitting. I couldn't even
afford weed - to enjoy myself, but the show helped me a lot. I might
have cried. I watched it to the very end - on TV - and then I googled
and this exact image came up to announce the new show.

I had picked up a boxset of Aang the Last Airbender from CEX and I 
hadn't enjoyed it when it was on Nickelodeon - because I was bothered 
by the animation style. Also the main character was a boy.
But I came back to it years later - and it was the most incredible 
thing I had ever seen. It kept me alive! REALLY! If you are an artist
and you're making something - don't be concerned for how it is
received in the 'present'. This show got the appreciation
it deserved MANY YEARS later. When we were ready to appreciate it.

My 'friends' bullied me a bit - 'friends' that I had taught to enjoy
animation... and cartoons... none of them did prior to watching...
and they kind of made fun of my feet. And said that I was Toph.
At the time it was offensive because I was sensitive about my feet.
Which we later realised was a result of my body being occupied by
people that were not me, who had not learned balance. Also in some
part to do with my 'dyspraxia'. It was no longer offensive. Some
things are insulting upon first hearing them.

Actually it might never not be offensive, people I was in love with
lost interest in me cos they didn't like my feet. Or my original lips.
Or my body hair.


Later as they learned to like Toph, they decided I was Azula instead.
I guess that meant they were secretly frightened of me. As they should
have been. The treatment of a character like Azula allowed a lot of
VERY important dialogues to take place: the mistreatment of people
who are believed to be 'mentally ill'. Realistically she was abused,
unloved, surrounded by disloyal friends who couldn't have imagined
her true motivations. And nor would she ever have verbalised them,
she had not been raised to explain herself. Royalty are brought up
quite differently to others. 

As far as Azula's abuse goes:
it is hinted at when she says "I'd prefer for Zuko to see our family
physician if you don't mind!"

My teacher says that Kaew and her brother Ken should play Azula and



When I dress, I am putting together a lot of things I've seen on
others - that I liked. That I felt complimented the character that
they were trying to express. When I wear faux fur I am thinking of
Lisa, Lil Kim and Korra.
I made a video of the outfit, too. It's quite creepy. I think the
outfit is quite creepy. Here is me standing on a toilet. 
In what is - in my opinion, the most beautiful bathroom anywhere, 
ever. I've given it the title: ''.
"Is that what you'd do?"
"What would you do?"
"what would you do??"
"i'd shoot him. and then laugh."
I personally credit Manson with this non-symmetrical eye business.
I don't know who he credits. I'd be curious to know what inspired
all of these aesthetic decisions. His choie to remove his eyebrows,
the shadoes of blue around his eyes, the overlined lips, the 
popstar curtained Adolf hair. The slight overexposure. Why did
he crop the photo like this? The two Chinese Dragon? bracelets - that
is what they appear as to me. The spiders web. the Grillz. etc.

If he gets back with DVT - they'll have me and my split personality
I imagie. And probably actually appreciate it.


I had always been taken by people's voices - I never forget a voice 
that strikes me.  It's a thing that happens when you watch a lot of 
cartoons, and start connecting the voice actors to all their 
different roles. I'm a voice person. 
I have a 'weird' voice that is very susceptible to change - I can 
speak like a 'boy' and I can speak like a 'girl' and I can sing like
both too. I'm not bothered by the idea of having a masculine sounding
voice - nor a feminine one. 
I find both attractive for expressing different kinds of things. 
At some point I asked for three voice boxes that I could control at 
the suggestion of one of my guides. 
I'm unsure now, of which one of those it was. I know it was an angel 

Manson used to author horror stories for a local newspaper. 
Then he performed stand up poetry and I think someone insulted him 
for doing so - and then they said that they liked his voice. That
is the mega abridged version of how Manson's career took off. 
A lot of people don't really fully appreciate - and fully 
underestimate - how much of a style icon, fashion and art influencer 
this man is. 

Or even really what he did for gay rights, by how he handled being
accused of sticking his dick in a security guard's mouth.
Why would he ever have done that? Do you have any idea of how easy
it was for him to get groupies to soberly consent to doing some of 
the weirdest fucking sexual stuff that has probably ever been 
documented in literature? His autobiography was a good read.
I'll tell you why artists are amongst my favourite people - some of
them. And there are many reasons; but when I am explaining why I 
dress so immodestly - and I ought to - I'm never going to give myself
a chance to otherwise explore my 'style' in such depth again. 

Because they can be sexual beings (artists, that is) for they 
certainly seem to use art as a form of expressing sexuality -
I don't identify as one (a sexual being, that is)

but even as sexual beings, artists very rarely sexualise the
human body on it's own. Like most illicit drugs, the more you
experience the human body, the more difficult it is to sexualise.

So when I dress provocatively, showing body
parts that modest people and religious sorts would prefer I didn't -
it isn't to invite attention. It isn't a sexual invitation. It
isn't a sexual performance unless I am performing sexually - and
a sexual performance is really just a dance for cash. Even if I'm
not dancing. Even if I am stuck to a chair at a party, rushing on
cheap mostly-baby-powder MDMA - at my best I'm going to look very
memorable about it. Artists would appreciate that.

I actually don't like attention very much. I am too sensitive to
be observed without also wondering what is being observed of me, 
and I find most eyes untrained and unqualified and therefore
amateurish and I can't stand unhumble amateurs. Sorry -
absolutely not sorry - I can't. I can't stand being thought of as 
a liar either, so my honesty and truth comes out in how I engage with
an amateur when I meet one. I can't help it.

BUT I enjoy giving attention to performers. I enjoy laughing at a
funny joke. I enjoy appreciating people when they deserve that

The Baphomet, in a meditation told me "you are not funny." and I 
do agree - but I become funny when I am absolutely 100% serious. 
Or drunk. I am a funny drunk and woe betide you take that from me.
I do agree though - that there's something enjoyable about the
pathetic fallacy of returning to a memory where I make a successfully
funny joke that no one laughs at in the present, but in the future

I enjoy appreciating in others character's - what isn't in my own.
What's a comedienne to an audience that can't laugh? What is a 
thespian cum comedienne to an audience that don't have manners?
An honest applause indicate good manners. 

I love a performance and I love theatre, but I am not that much of
a performer and I'm only theatrical when I'm enraged - when it is
necessary. That is also why my preferred form of art is film. 
It's intimate. Once I watched a film that frightened me so intensely
that I sat in the theatre for fifteen minutes afterwards SHAKING
because it affected me that much. It was shot on a handheld camera.
The actors were American and mostly wore pyjamas. The Director was
obviously a Jew.

These intimate - yet not sexual (to me) - artworks are by Egon Schiele. 
The illusory textures created by watercolour paint - that give a
primitive eye (like a human's) the opportunity to see that which is
given form by lightness and shadow with puddles of coincidence. 

Coincidental art: that is: the particular 'coincidence' 
of how water colour paints might 'choose' to dry (to be specific
to those uneducated: you cannot command or demand of water colour 
paint, that it ignore it's inherent nature. You must allow it to do 
it's thing - and work with your given result. 
It's an autonomous medium.) (We have that in common, 

And I haven't read about nor discussed this painting - it might not
be watercolour. But that is what I think about when I look at it.


(If water is life, then it is at the very least a life-giving 
and life-sustaining form, which means water based paints have 
a life of their own, and anyone that paints with them will agree-) 
that give the illusion of 

Imagine painting with blessed Holy water that you had travelled to 
Italy for and bought from the Vatican itself. That adds to the value
of a painting, you know. Not only the quality of the paint - but also
the quality of the water you used to bring life to the paint. 

There must be some kind of alchemist poetry that watercolour paints
could inspire. Writing pretentious shit like that is something
of a quality that contributes to my 'look' too. 

It takes tremendous confidence. My look. 
A person uneasily embarrassed to express.

I don't need everyone else to look, write, draw, act or behave the
way I do. I don't want them to.
And I'll be adding to it, my essay, with absolutely no regard for a 
cumulative order. 

And I'll have to keep coming back to it to credit and reference my 
style sources. 
If I truly feel theft is a sin, I will endeavour to credit anyone 
that could argue that I could've stolen from them. 

Style sinks into our subconsciouses and we start claiming looks as 
our own - and really, if we haven't designed the garments we're 
wearing - our looks are never going to be 'our own'. 

Style is ever evolving, if you truly value every item in your wardrobe - as I do - holes, tears and frays only contributing to a look, a thought, an opinion etc. Fashion means something to me and mine comes from art, artists, everything.

I think perhaps if people want to go to fashion school, they should be
asked to rip apart their entire style - and if they cannot - they 
shouldn't be admitted. 

If I acquired any strength in life it is through watching people in 
Fashion talk, it is was also acquired through listening to how people
who Dance talk. 
It was my life spent listening to dancers argue over inane bullshit.
Only taking a break from escapism of some kind to watching actors 
perform. If school teachers had known how much I could focus on an
good film or a good theatre production they'd probably have used
films - exclusively - to teach me. 

A teacher that I think about at least every few days - once said to 
her art class - completely exasperated -
"please do not 'sign' your work - you are not Rembrandt." WORD.
I mean word for word the quote is not - but to that effect.

Hermann Karl Hesse and Vladimir Nabakov - both being versions of me.

And if you want a reason as to why I am comfortable with encouraging
young girls to marry older men - it is because males age slower than
females do. And although sometimes that isn't the case - that is
because some males have a hard time, and grow up faster as a 
result of it. 

Also - the guys around my own age, that I was attracted to - 
1. Ended up being gang-rapists who would later realise that they 
were just gayboys with mummy and daddy issues. Super gay. 
I LOVE gayboys but they ruined my life/my game. The ones that didn't
rape me ended up being either somehow genetically related to me
(a thing proven years from now, and quite vomit inducing)

2. And even those that were not related to me, or gay were sexually 
amorphous, and were too childish to say outloud 'I have feelings for 
you' an indication that they were too young to either be having sex
or pursuing someone like me. 

3. but worse than that, was they were too childish to say outloud or
audibly think "I also have feelings for this boyfriend of yours - 
that is better at inspiring protective feelings in me that sit well 
with my own inner vision of the masculinity I'd like to project when
I reach adulthood" - 

"and furthermore - this boyfriend of yours is 
better at the female performance than you are - because he's actually 
quite manipulative. And I like that. 
He reminds my subconscious of the mother I had protective feelings 
towards growing up." (code for, often - reminds me of a mother that
used me to manipulate -- on her behalf) (common in families that
had a divorce)
5. "I envied the physical closeness between my mother and father"
(I remind gayboys of their secretly possibly gay dads)

I wasn't close to anyone growing up. I believed I was but I was wrong
to, anything can seem like 'closeness' when you were only ever hugged
after apologising for being rude as a response to abuse. 

I have always tried to exude, as a style choice 'stay the hell away
from me, you hear?' - It's never not a good time to quote Johnny Cash. 
So the above aren't feelings I empathise with but they're feelings 
I've learned - through talking - to boys - a lot. 

This is something girls my age struggled with - actually befriending 
boys before fancying them. The worst is that I'd be friends with
those boys - whatever that means (in my head - a relationship that
didn't involve physical intimacy beyond a hello/goodbye hug) -
and through their friendship with me they felt safe expressing love
and feelings of closeness to other women that they'd often enter into
long term relationships with. Their girlfriends very rarely ever
managed to achieve the closeness I had with their boyfriends, nor
did they ever treat me very well. It left me alone and friendless 
many times. They never realised - until it was too late - that
the kindness in their boyfriends was actually whatever of me was in

It contributes to a look, bitterness, trust me. 


The dress in this photograph, I took - was a gift from Mango - 
the dress was designed by Penelope Cruz and her sister Monica Cruz. 
I was gifted this dress by Mango in Syria, shortly before I went 
to University - where I bought those floral sheets from a charity 
shoppe because I didn't know how to use a washing machine and my 
damn bedsheets needed changing. The suitcase was a reference to
Tom & Jerry. As a child I would watch Jerry pack all of his things
into a hackey sack and place it on a stick, and then very quickly
descend a flight of stairs hoping to go somewhere else. I used to
do something similar, descend a marble staircase very fast hoping
to end up somewhere else.

The photograph in the journal image above, was taken outside my
bedroom - #7. In house 77, at UCA. Here's the inside of my room. 
I captured the video using a flip cam I purchased at Argos, and
I later gifted the camera to my ex's younger brother - with the
intention of encouraging him to make little videos of him and his
friends skateboarding and BMX'ing. I don't imagine he did make many
of those. That family was peculiar.
There are little deer, in this video - nestled in my McQueen scarf. 
I fastened it to a service trolley I used to pile my DVDs on top of. 
I have seemingly-forever had in my mind (though they've strangely 
been cropped out of this Kate Nash video) the vintage deer from a 
Kate Nash video that came out years ago. I spent a lot of time 
perusing the internet to find the vintage deer and until now, I have
had no success in doing so. 

I liked this video because the lyrics referenced a conversation I had
in an art examination at Saint James - wherein I was asked to draw an
object, from a still life in front of me. 

Some objects were placed on top of a table and it bothered me a lot, 
to draw objects and ignore that they were on top of a table, with a
table cloth. I struggled to make sense of the composition of it.
I drew the table and the table cloth, and I didn't have time to draw
anything much else. My art teacher said "oh you were supposed to
illustrate an object on the table" and I said, nervously and also
embarrassed - 

"you begin with the foundations".

Not to mention - I eat squeeze lemon onto almost everything that I 
eat. And it's a good habit if you eat in restaurants - to eat with
both salt and lemon - because they are natural disinfectants. If you
consume germs because someone prepares food for you without washing
their hands properly. (I'm not much of a handwasher, myself)
(Not being much of a handwasher actually makes of you, later in life,
a person with a very strong stomach.) (I know, gross, though.)

Mango gifted me a few items - their store was sold to them by my 
"father's" family. It had been my paternal grandmother's home. The
only thing my "father's" family care about is money. And pretending
to aspire to a political opinion that is founded in a lack of
education and paying much too much attention to what the media has to
say. There are no reliable and unbiased sources of information - if
a journalist is being paid to be a journalist, they're going to sell
an opinion that works for the company that owns the company that owns
the company that owns the company that owns their publication. 

It's 2018, no journalist has the balls to infiltrate much of anything
to deliver accurate information. No one even has the concentration to
fucking READ anymore. 


Actually, no.. I'll call this essay #HENTAILOLITA

I'll begin this with a photograph of me naked. You can sexualise it
if you want to, but it isn't sexual at all. 
Screen Shot 2018-12-17 at 13.46.48.png
(This is a look I gave the guy my mother insists I call my 'father'
one time - after I wanted him to get involved with an argument she
was having with me, that made absolutely no fucking sense. 
Actually it's specifically a look I gave him when I had completely 
lost respect for him. )

A lot of people see cause in defending him for his stupidity - 
but I am repelled by what I perceive as weakness. 
He couldn't defend me as a child, from any danger at all -
the only use he had in my life at all was giving me money in exchange
for a performance that reminded him he was my dad and that I 'loved'
him very, very much. I was taught that, it did not come from nowhere.

He returned the dishonesty and I gave him plenty of excuse to do it.
Whatever, as long as I have some cash. Some kind of "freedom". 

This song, is dedicated to how I really feel about cash. Security.
Things that people from most families take for granted actually.

Which IS a reference to the book - Lolita - about a CONSENSUAL sexual
relationship between a young girl - Delores - and an older man - 

This was my cover of choice. Obviously.

(fucking read the book - I have good taste in books. It is not boring)

(watch the movie) 

And it took appreciating the HELL out of this character to 
appreciate this book cover.

I think that only a woman or a gay man could say the following with 
any successful conviction, without sounding sexist or hateful, but the
young girl in the story really isn't a victim although she has 
Humbert see her as much. 
The survival of the Delores character relies on your perception of her
as an innocent - even in her moments of often unjust cruelty or 
vindictiveness. She gets herself into a complete mess when she runs
off with a man, and keeps it illicit and secret - and then realises
that she no longer really desires to be with him anymore. It was
never love that connected them, just an attraction. They do not
know one another, and I think if she knew what really attracted him
to her she would've thought twice. Would've thought "you were better
off appreciating my mother." Because his ability to love isn't there.

As a person taken by story telling, though, I enjoy the idea of 
terrible female characters. 
I think the world of pretend and fiction really needs interesting, 
clever, female antagonists - particularly underage ones with a sexual

Remember that when this book was first written, women were still 
being raped by their husbands and it was legal for them to do so. 
Women were subjugated, second class citizens that had been made 
victims of by a patriarchal society. Throughout many generations.

This book is a time-piece and most of what is important about the 
plot is left unwritten, and isn't in the movies either. 
It is a confession of the male mentality of time passed - of sorts - 
but only if you are prepared to stop making victims of young girls.

A movie you ought to watch. A favourite of mine. Way better than
Juno. Which I also really, really liked. 

[Um storytime. I used to 'prankcall' adult men in chatrooms and 
pretend to be a really horny, angry older woman. 
I don't use the word horny but I'll leave it there. 

I used to think it was hilarious. 
It was a bit cruel of me, prank calling people. 
But those people generally ended up being not-good and also, worse -
not-interesting people anyway. 
My aesthetic began as something of a perspective rooted in being a 
visual thinker - a person constantly searching for the perfect 
photograph. Finding beauty in life, even the very worst aspects of
life - by searching for something atleast 'photogenic' about it. 

So - I was/am not a 'down-to-earth' nor 'logical' person who sees any 
need nor responsibility over caring much that her innervision might
be offensive or dark or 'scary'.
It would be disingenuous to expend any effort in pretending I believe
a thoughtscape requires any kind of responsibility at all - if you are
taught empathy, self-dialogue - and the ability to reflect on whatever
it is that is you find visually interesting or beautiful. 
And later in life, sometimes you realise that your inner-vision was
a co-creation, a mass work of many beings offering details to stories.

A lot of the things I saw in my minds eye, when I was listening to 
music on the train ended up being prophetic. Not fantasies - but 
actual visions of the past, some alternate attempt to help me
understand the present, some warning or preparation for the future. 

(Im a CARS person - not a BIKES person)

I was raised by a person whose life was 'Italia Conti's' - a
theatre school. My ...mother's... life began and 'ended' a few times,
that I personally know of. We die lots of 'little deaths' in life.

The first death of my mother's life that I know of - took place after 
someone had arranged for some baby chickens of hers to be killed 
and served to her on a plate. How traumatic. How very Mark Ryden. 

The idea that morbidity could be the death of innocence. That has
contributed to my personal style. But my own innocence has only ever
been performative. 


How very Trevor Brown.


The second of her deaths took place in a photograph where she is 
donning all black. A lugubrious kind of robe-dress, prior to being
introduced to the "Queen" of England. In my culture we have occasions
where a person is considered an 'adult' - has been taught manners etc
and can be associated with their family and formally introduced with
a title. My mother doesn't remember that event but the photograph
taken of her before hand has her looking like a deer caught in the
headlights of an approaching car. 
The third of her deaths - was after a series of knee injuries that 
were the result of her not properly warming up before dancing. 

The kind of embarrassment - by the way - to a dance teacher, that sort
of ruins their career. The dance industry is not known for a having a
sympathic ear - the dance industry is not made up of criers. You don't
have time for explanations in the dance industry. No one cares, no one
wants to hear it. 
No got room for manipulation (her gift) or laziness (my disabilities
were mistaken for laziness and that cost me a lot.) 

My mother though, made the same mistake twice - the first injury left 
her bedridden. She managed to return to dance - she eventually made 
the same mistake. Not stretching/warming up costs people their lives 
work. My mother has a tendency to 'repeat' mistakes. 
She doesn't learn. 
She doesn't grow. 
Whoever she is. We haven't ever gotten to know each other because
she lives in shame over the person she really is, that she tried to

She is a child stuck in an adult's body. That's how I cope with her
faults. And that is - to an extent - how I understand and justify
Humbert Humbert's character. And that is a result of a series of 
traumas - sure - but also at a point it becomes choice. But she 
taught me how to fight. And now I can say to others - before you 
learn how to fight for yourself, learn how to apologise. 

So when you fight - in self defence, you can expect an apology. 

Humbert Humbert didn't have the assistance of a psychiatrist at any 
point that we know of prior to meeting Delores, a physical reminder 
of his first love, the person he was before she died. 

Humans grow through dialogue, and my mother's kids were carted from 
counsellor to psychiatrist to child behavioural therapist to all 
sorts. My mother and my sister had repressed sexual appetites that
they had been shamed out of, and projected those onto the mental
health professionals that connected with them. 
There was nothing repressed about me, I just had to really believe 
you were worth my time, that you weren't too boring to carry an
interesting conversation, that you were intelligent. But somewhere I
was taught that I was thought of as stupid, so I really pushed the
stupid act. Then, when I chose not to pretend to be stupid, 
I realised that made some people comfortable being abusive and a
little too fucking familiar with me. I prefer acting stupid, acting
like a fool - around people that are convinced they know better.
They don't, but some lessons people have to learn that themselves. 
Also, I like to lose first. I am quite smug as a general rule. 

[Smug, a look. This is how you should picture me waiting for all the
apologies I am owed. If a legal team - a decent one - read my blog -
they'd have ALL the angles they'd need for the most humiliating,
publicised human rights abuse courtcase of ALL time. 
I mean the cash will be ridiculous but the humiliation, yours, will 
be the very worst.]

Screen Shot 2018-12-17 at 15.30.04.png

Or good looking enough - for me to fancy you. I mean if you
insist on pushing the Freudian thing - which is stupidity -
which is nonsense - Freud just needed to learn to listen, needed to
learn humility. But his lack of it might have been the defence 
mechanism that kept him alive. Kept his name alive etc.

And the professionals that could help me, were always women - were 
always black women. 

Were always curvy black women who were simply kind to me.
(Imagine that!) 

My issues in life - really - were that I thought I was fat and
ugly. I had learned to cope with abuse, the internet got me through
that. I had learned to cope with other people being treated better
than me, the internet got me through that.

And maybe, partly, it was because of black women that I learned not
to hate my nose and my weight. Also - my lips were too small. For
the proportions of my face, my lips were too small. Actually I
technically have babyteeth - if my teeth were the right size, my lips
would never have been 'too small'

Being attracted to women who were curvy meant that I could start to 
learn that my weight had nothing to do with being attractive - nor
did having a 'wider' nose. (I now am in a phase of noticing that some
people have baphomet head shaped noses and I actually envy that I 
think, but I enjoy that I envy it.) 

And do you know - when Lisa told me I was mistaken - I didn't ever
challenge it - I thought about it for YEARS. I really valued that
I'd met someone who could affect my life without having to say much
at all. 

I might've made the same mistakes, after what she'd taught me - 
but I tried not to. And I could no longer blame anyone but myself 
for my mistakes because I truly knew better. At least someone had
begun to tell me how life works - that hadn't lied - once. Hadn't
made concentrated efforts to make me look 'insane', so I could
be ferried off to a psychiatric ward for round 2 of traumatic rape
that created the issue in my family in the first place. 

So, mother.
She became an eighteen year old that had gone from being a ballerina,
to uh. An aspiring housewife. Trying to replace a family she had a
part in destroying - which was to the detriment of the World, 

Trying to make of herself a person in the absence of the gifts she
believed that she no longer had.
How very Trevor Brown.


My mother chose this life, this picture, over honesty. Over a sincere
apology and discussion. Time and time again. I have few memories of
my mother that I like. So I know manipulators, I learned a little
manipulation of my own. 

Most girls have had to learn to be manipulative, to survive: but if
you have never truly struggled - the ability to manipulate truly
isn't admirable: it makes you a monster. 
Like Delores. 

Visualising became a form of escapism to me, referred to
by psychiatrists as 'dissociation' - referred to by DANCERS as
'visualisation'. It is called 'dissociation' because it is regarded, 
the tendency to visualise - as something of a coping mechanism that
commonly people who are abused resort to, to "escape reality". 

[You should not study any 'science' - and a 'science' psychiatry is
not - save that you are prescribing medication that affects ones
brain chemicals. You have no idea what it is that creates a person's
emotional landscape or chemical make up. If you are not first able to
understand the scientific human mind and also the artist's mind - 
in equal measure - you should not study psychiatry. You should not 
study psychiatry if you fetishise the struggles of a character like
Hannibal Lecter - without first empathising with his struggles.]

My fashion tastes are also a means of 'escaping reality'. I find
people who dress to look normal - boring. I find reality boring.
There is absolutely nothing worse, to me, than 'normalcy' or being
'boring'. Your personality, I think, ought to correlate somehow to
your personality. And when it does not - I find your style has the
potential to be genuinely interesting. 

And the ...potential for a visual kind of story telling that comes 
quite naturally when you spend a lot of time visualising, is 
tantamount to anyone with the desire to create Art - not as a hobby,
but as a form of expression - and to a lesser extent, as a form of 

If you do not spend time visualising, if you do not spend time finding
beauty in intimate details - you will never create art that attempts 
to be unique: you'll be copying, copying, copying. 
If you're going to copy, copy, copy
list your influences, influences, influences. 

but as far as the story of Lolita goes - I'll give you a summary. 
Spoiler alert.

A man called Humbert Humbert - the protagonist - falls in love once 
in his life. Just once. In his youth, with a girl his own age, 
called Lolita. Lolita is the love of his life and her life ends very
tragically, and quite prematurely. The fact is skimmed over in the
film but is integral to the explanation of Humbert's attraction to

The issue that I personally had with falling in love young, is always
that when it's over - both you and the person you fell in love with 
sort of die anyway. Especially if you grew up together. 

It depends on which version of the movie you decide to watch, 
but my favourite was the 1997 version - the aesthetic of which 
inspired movies like The Virgin Suicides. 


Also a book authored by a man, about teenage girls 'in love'. And
the most dedicated audience to Virgin Suicides - was teenage girls.

relationship between an older man and an underage slut called
Delores, who shits on her single mother and steals her man. 
And then, in my opinion - she manipulates the reader into making of 
her some kind of victim, through a confession made by the narrator &
protagonist - Humbert Humbert. 
An overtly catholic kind of confessional presented as a legal 

I think that robbing young girls of the ability to be sexual beings
attracted to men far older than they are by labelling anyone who
calls them attractive a 'pedophile' is stupid. It removes girls of
the right to dictate their own capacity to attraction

Delores sounds far better a character as she is depicted through the
eyes of her admirer - in reality she's a cunt. And her manipulation
ruins many people's lives. Whatever she can do to move through men. 

even as teenagers is - I am unsure though - some embarrassing 
In the novella - there is a particular description about a 'nymphette' -
to me, as a teenage reader - I learned to put to words how I had come
to fetishise anorexia. More specifically I had fetishised the visual
image I had in my mind, of a petite, tall girl in dresses, brogues
and frilled socks - standing in sunlight with the shadow form of
her silhouette peeking through an almost transparent fabric. 

I have a very visual mind, you sort of need one if you want to be a
photographer - as I had, for years. You sort of develop one if you
spend your life admiring art, photography and film. If you're a day

What particularly struck me was the contrast of her physical 
description and the comparison of her absolutely terrible personality.
I do not steal men, but I do steal 'looks' from everything - mostly
cartoons. Book covers. Descriptions that melt into my subconscious
from all the books I used to read obsessively. 
Women steal men from me and then I come back to claim them.
I've been a big deal on the internet for a long time - there's been a
LOT of confusion. Mostly concerning people pretending not to know who
I was. It was nice because it meant I could pretend that the people I
was hanging out with WEREN'T stalkers. But actually it all turned out
pretty dangerous for me, not realising that these people were actually
stalkers. It's made me unafraid of anything, but there was a price to
pay. (I mean I got gangraped a bunch of times by people who couldn't 
of done it while I was awake because I'd of hurt them. And they'd of
had to cope with me actually being hurt. If I befriend you I probably
love you to some extent - hurt a person that you love/loves you and
who lets you into their life, and who gives to you the way I did -
changes your 'game' forever. Spiritual people call your game 'karma'.
People like to play with the concept in BDSM but that is not good - 
and always inaccurate too. You often have no idea of what a person
values, a slice of bread to you - can be very expensive to someone

Here is Melissa Auf Der Maur. I'll talk more about her later, but
she did the 'elegant' thing when other girls were doing the 
'riot girl' thing. Messy hair, messy lipstick competing with men
look. She did the overt angry but also 50's feminine feminist thing.
This 'safe' approach to developing a look is common with women who had
spent a lot of time wanting to be a serious thespian. In my childhood
I went to a summer school at Sylvia Young's, where I was taught that
it's important to maintain a 'neutral' look - for your hair to be
healthy/not dyed etc, to have a 'safe' look made you employable in the
event that you could get acting-work. Nothing has changed there - but
my mistake was in getting tattoos. 
She hung out with the 'safer' grunge boys like Billy Corgan - boys
I'd of thought were sweet because they embraced their inner femininity
but also would've probably emasculated because my idea of what I found
attractive in men started with my older brother. Someone who dressed
well for his time, who could dance without looking like a faggot (and
NO ONE finds faggots more attractive than I do) (NO ONE.) and also
who was into cool stuff and could like, successfully hit someone.
for the media to encourage men who embraced an inner femininity that
would sing songs like 'stand inside your love', to teach men it was
okay to be feminine and okay to love, too. 

ALL of this shit contributed to my 'look'.
I'm going to explain how I developed this look over many, many years.

Before you can acquire YOUR OWN look - a STYLE - you need to reject 
'fashion'. 'Fashion' is great, but only for people who have to 
constantly change their look. 

So, Kim Kardashian's career would be over/finito if she started 
sticking to one style. 
Her husband is a rapper but actually he works in fashion, that is
his serious career. (Whether he likes it or not)
It's fashion that prepares you for a diplomatic career because 
it helps you understand, for example, that even a tshirt can be the
work of people around the globe. The production of fucking thread,
the production of the plastic bobbin used to hold the thread. 

Kim does reality TV. She has a game and a make up line etc - but
her career is TV. Not many people can boast a show that's run for
that many seasons, and nor can any of the multi-million earning
youtubers. Anyone who has made a career of the internet will tell you
that a website that lasts for two years is a serious achievement -
youtube isn't going anywhere - but it's social media. That is where
it is going. Social media. The new FB. And that's only when you can
do the html for your own profile, the internet is a business and
youtube isn't doing it right. A lot of people don't use it because
it looks wrong.

SO: LOOKS. A constant evolution. 

Screen Shot 2018-12-17 at 12.42.51.png

If KIMK and krew looked the same all the fucking time, no one would 
Fashion is a great way to explore different silhouettes and 
colour palettes and bring in a new fanbase. 
Changing all the time is Kim K's career. She keeps people working.
Her show is not about her. At all.
Have you ever seen the makeovers they do on the Tyra show? Those
women are not being marketed to be sexy personality girls (I know
the industry is thought to be changing - it's not. 
The girls on
instagram, marketing 'their' 'looks' with 'interesting personalities'

have not
been working on those 'looks' for their entire lives. 


It's not an insult, it's not something to get upset about or offended
by. And if you are upset, or offended, worry not - I'll find some
terrible looks I've done. I didn't keep the looks but I acquired
confidence the to wear what I like wearing - I still don't wear
what I'd like to wear, I think only I could design what I'd LIKE to
wear - and I've learned what I think I really like. 

That is the thing - by the way - about 'classic' items. Like a well
tailored shirt. They're items you can keep in your wardrobe forever
because they will never not-work. Like a well tailored shirt. 

If you become a model and you're insecure, even a little bit - you
will be destroyed. If you're a model - after Lily Cole and her
academia shenanigans (which changed the industry) - and you are stupid
you will be destroyed. And anyone who wants success is destroyed at
least once. It's not something you rise to overnight, it's something
you work towards your entire life. 'Fame' indeed.
If KIMK wants to keep up with all of the talentless kids somehow 
infiltrating the media, her personality is actually irrelevant. 
If your 'personality' matters to you, TV is NOT for you. 
Your innerbeing is the sacrifice. 
Kim's personal tastes are irrelevant. Her interior design should 
probably change as frequently as her 'look'. I became interested 
in Kim K when Kanye's team started styling her. Porn is my thing. 

Well shot porn is a Hugh Hefner thing. It was a thing before Hugh,
but making erotica a desirable aspiration to women - something of an
iconographical status achievement - is a Hugh Hefner thing. I liked
Hugh Hefner after this. 

Now I'll explain where the idea came from - that models should have
a PERSONALITY. It came from SuicideGirls. Where girls would be
photographed in various states of undress - and the photos alone
weren't going to sell the work. Sites selling images of naked girls
with dreadlocks and piercings and tattoos were around before SG, but
why didn't they make it? I mean - they're still around - but no one's
into that. Sorry. They're not. The maths is there.

SuicideGirls made blogging a thing. Keeping an online diary. They
marketed soft-core pornstars by making them appear accessible by
selling photos of them accompanied by text to give them a voice. 
These women were NOT 'accessible' - they were so visible that even 
as a teenager I could spot one walking in the streets and it would be
really fucking exciting and amazing to me. I was absolutely obsessed
with SuicideGirls, and reading the stuff these amazing women who
were MY idea of real celebrities (Beyonce, F.R.I.E.N.D.S
& the SpiceGirls not included.)

The SuicideGirls and Dita Von Teese were MY ideas of celebrities, and
the myspace kids. And we will get to that later - but personality and
photos - there is no room for that in fashion. Maybe for awhile,

INTERNET AS YOU KNOW IT. Let it soak in, like seasoning. (Nicki Minaj)

Girls getting away with being 'the girl next door' is a Bettie Page 
thing. And SuicideGirls paid homage to the pinup girl thing at
every given opportunity. 

You BEGIN with erotica - the 'good girl gone bad' look. 
(FYI I used to tell boys I was really innocent but no one who has
been raped at three, grown up with a slutty older brother and or
a sister who listened to RnB is 'innocent'. It was my way of pre-
rejecting any sexual advances.)


Maybe you move onto pornography, but not before you're ready for what
comes with it. And psychological damage DOES come with it. Ask Stoya.

This is my favourite pornography, featuring Stoya. She is fully 
dressed and smoking a cigarette. This is what made me like Stoya.

A co-star of hers career has been ruined because they were performing
what I understood to be a really heavy sex-scene - and she used a
safe word and he ignored it. It became rape - to anyone that is 
interested in BDSM (and I am not, nor have I EVER been) - you lose
any credibility. No control. Anyone who would work with him after that
would only be someone that had been told they were getting a 'big
break'. And actually that'd be wrong, because everyone loves Stoya.
Even people who have never met her nor have any reason to. Here are
things you didn't know about Stoya - she makes clothes. She does
other things good too but she makes clothes. 

Do not go into ANY pennies-to-pounds-made-in-SECONDS industry being 
good at only one thing. 


In every industry you want to just waltz into - there will be people
who have been taught that in order to succeed you have to shit on
someone else. That works for a lot of men, and they end up being
'sociopaths' - that ruin everything for everyone else. It's the kind
of thing you associate with footballers that have been privy to a few
conversations that weren't in their line of work. Not in their lane.
Hear the word Illuminati, get some idea of how it works - they might
pay their way to the top, pay for their poor, sweet wives to become
celebrities - and then what happens? Women who married so young they
didn't get the chance to get an education, women who were coerced and
shamed to work jobs that they had no idea about - were taught how to
be competitive by men whose salaries are still paid by people who
wear suits and probably don't give a rats arse about sports at all.

This is Sasha Grey. She broke into porn and the most interesting thing
about her, from my point of view - was when she said that she had 
never, ever been sexually abused. A lot of women who were okay with
that industry were seen as 'taking their power back'. (Another of 
those myths.) If you have been sexually abused once, you'll be
sexually abused again until you learn how to navigate that BEFORE
you enter into any kind of professional or romantic relationship.


This is Stoya beside SASHA GREY. Sasha Grey had a photograph of her
used by a classmate at my University, who stole my Erotica/Softcore 
look...and put the words ART PORN next the photo - and sold it.
Made money from a photograph she hadn't taken. She made it black
and white. 

Art porn was NOT a Sasha Grey thing, it was a ME thing. REALLY.

This girl also designed her own Tarot cards. 
She would telepathically speak to me when I was half asleep and ask 
very weird questions to give people an angle on how to later abuse me,
and because I was surrounded by people who were very threatened by me
at University... No one was there for me. 
Including my closest 'friends' - people I console myself through all
their abuse by saying 'I was babysitting them'. And only when you
realise what their living with me was protecting them from, will you
accept it as truth. 

I can't even befriend people who are insecure. It is cruel to them.
I can't be friends with people who are significantly more successful
than I am, it is also cruel to them. 

But my art erotica revolution was (something kind of
to this effect) (me doing 'ho' but also 'keeping it fashion' - a


Wearing an off the shoulder Diane Von Furstenberg - which was my
sisters. But I believe that when you do a look right, you own it.
Especially if you do it better. I never saw her in this dress and
I think that wearing clothes like this at all takes a lot of 
confidence. My issue was confidence. Insecurity.

I loved clothes by established designers - but even if I could afford
them, I couldn't wear them around the kind of boys that I was 
interested in. I liked boys that were into metal. I liked gamers. I
liked boys that liked cartoons. Other kinds of boys bored me to 
absolute death. 

The reason that gamers are attractive now - and there are TWO reasons

is because Leona of GodsGirls - a very sweet costume designer - a
person who came across as genuine and kind and not competitive -
said in a video in response to her favourite kind of people -
'gamers'. Gamers are the cruellest kind of people. To me, at least.

The other reason... dundundun... is me. Won't explain, don't need to.
(A product of my older brother, a gamer.)

Being 'weak' killed Linda Lovelace. She's still alive but she adopted
a lifestyle choice (some industries, like fraternities, you enter..
but you'll never walk out. You think so - but that's a lie. Not
human behaviour at all.) Linda made it big and changed the
industry with one movie, and then rejected it all because she felt
that she had been abused by the people that gave her her notoriety.
And she probably really, really was. She probably had no idea of the
extent of the abuse that she experienced. She was not raised to do
that job.
You might think thats some kind of insult, it's not. Fashion is an
industry. Fabric is an industry. Fabric DESIGN is an industry.
Buttons are an industry. The plastic baggies that your spare buttons
come in - are an industry. The work that goes into designing a garment
is an industry and to get through that - you have to go to Fashion
School. It is only the very ruthless that make it through Fashion 
School. You might start a brand, you might become a designer, you
might get far and make a few million - but if you don't start from the
very bottom, if you aren't raised by someone who started from the very
bottom - you won't last. 

I did not make it through Fashion School because I had no self
esteem. If you are raised by many generations of women who are 
only taught that self esteem comes from your appearance - and 
that takes a strength of its own to maintain - somewhere along the 
line, one of you will have to learn that your self esteem and your
appearance aren't connected at ALL.

By the way if you can actually read - this should be a concise fashion
lesson - and it should probably hurt anyone that thinks they have a 
say in fashion or what people wear. You don't. There are files upon
files in the archives at London College of Fashion of PREDETERMINED
garments and fashions. Occasionally someone like me - a weird psychic
time traveller - doesn't NEED to access those archives.
If you watched 'September Issue' - you'd know that
Anna Wintour is actually the person responsible for merging 
'celebrity' culture and 'fashion' culture. Before celebrities were
fashion icons - it was models who kept you fashionable. Anna Wintour
does not follow 'fashion trends'. She is known for a look. Tailored
suits, long skirts, heels, shades.

This is Anna Wintour and her daughter Bee Shaffer. I had a crush on
a lecturer with a surname like that. This isn't the most flattering
photograph of Bee, you should find her on youtube. She's prettier
in action, prettier when you can hear her speak.

She is intimidating and that adds effect to any look. 

Investitures at Buckingham Palace, London, UK - 05 May 2017

I once watched an interview where Bee talked about 
appointments - she said 
"I arrive to my appointments two hours early -" 

(she probably worded it more articulately than that)

but THAT is why I would NEVER fucking DARE to apply to do an 
internship for Vogue. Know what your director is expecting of you
before you waste their time, you know?

I am not that kind of person. For a million reasons - that deserve or
warrant no explanation. 
I will never, ever aspire to be that person. You have to be
RAISED to be that kind of person. I don't even think they could
tolerate me as a dinner guest and I'm FLATTERED BY THAT.

But if I did aspire to be that on-time person I'd be the next 
Ms Wintour. Ms Wintour-Junior.

But her daughter Bee would probably despise and loathe
me entirely. So I'd set her up with someone like Pewdiepie who is
a male version of me.
And then she'd control freak Pewdiepie into a decent and 
non-embarrassing career, something I could never have done.

And I can tell that she's working on it because I'm working on 
enlisting for the army, so I can then go to RADA and study costume
design, so I can then do an internship for a PA position for Ms
Wintour without having a nervous breakdown. I've heard that happens.

And then after that, I'll head the U.N. with Bobby. Ideally.

I wanted to merge 'PORN' and 'EROTICA' and 'FASHION. This was also
later stolen from me - by people who watched my memories, life etc - 
without any fucking permission. I found that what deterred me from
appreciating porn was generally the women in it looked not-good.


Dita Von Teese is a style icon. Her fashion roots are humble but
precise, and listed in detail and proudly in her book. She made, I
feel, it possible to be quite elegant to 'strip. She appeared in
Playboy and did her own makeup. She styled herself. But she was
inspired by Bettie Page. I'll talk about Bettie soon.

Dita was dressed by Mr Pearl in Paris, a couturier & corset maker.
Her shoes are Louboutin - probably even her pointe shoes - were 
probably Louboutin. 

I became interested in Louboutin when David Lynch did a
photoshoot depicting shoes that weren't intended for 'wearing'. 
This collection spoke for a quiet hotel room aesthetic of the time 
that really will always appeal to my inner artist's eye. 



Both the above and below images were the findings of a google search


David Lynch shot these using a 'lensbaby'. 
Screen Shot 2018-12-27 at 02.59.14.png

The exhibition showed at the Barbican. 
For some reason I didn't go; but I wish I had!

Even my sister likes to pretend she was interested in fashion before I
was - again - a lie. I could show you photos of our childhoods and
also the kinds of things she used to call fashion (juicy couture)

Which is fancy sports wear. Which is the kind of thing it makes sense
for teenagers and young ballerinas to wear.


(which were interesting to me - but were actually just a bastardised
graphic design gimmick inspired by JAPAN) (but their marketing was
superb and unrivalled - credit where credit is due)

Disclaimer - SUPER IMPORTANT - 

My look - is absolutely not to be confused with EGL - Elegant Gothic 
Lolita. Certainly not to be confused with Fruits, or Japanese Street 
Fashion. The immaculate streets of Osaka and Harajuku are catwalks, 
where the citizens who are normally so disciplined and orderly 
embrace the weekends to explore their alteregos and have fun.  

'Male' or 'Female' - those who are immersed in those subcultures and
fashion lifestyles would actually be EXTREMELY offended at the 
suggestion or association that they might be inviting people to
sexualise them. I'm trying to bring in Hentai Lolitas but first, it
must be understood that they would be absolutely scundered by the
fancier, elegant Lolitas who keep their coordinates modest and their
cleavages covered!

Fashion is taken very, very seriously as  a form of self expression 
in Japan. It always has been.

Sexualising these subculture is - so rude - you have no idea. 

A lot of white men do - and it's embarrassing and it makes you look 
stupid to anyone interested in fashion - which is an industry. Geisha
- artists - have been confused by many men for being call girls or
prostitutes, when they are in fact dedicated artists honing crafts.
Sadly there are some Geisha, who are kept in the red light districts
and who have had to resort to selling sex, but this is something that
exists in every society around the World. (Red Light District
Geisha are probably my kind of Geisha) 

I know most white men these days are actually infant boys masquerading in adult bodies so you kind of
ought to choose to pity their ignorance. Women who dress like this
do NOT want to be sexualised.

To Bobby

There is no one else good enough for you.
There is no person that does not worship you - at least a little
but there is no industry that does not worship me.
And I want nothing of yours. EXCEPT YOU. And your boots. In them.
And your clothes. I like your clothes. A lot of people seem to like
how you dress actually. I admire that.

This photo could not have happened without the Memoirs of A Geisha

"I love unconditionally - but not when I'm in a bad mood."

Something I read about in a Louise Rennison book - something about
'the Elastic Band theory'. Which compelled me to pick up 'Men are 
from Mars - Women are from Venus'. A book that attempted to help
couples to understand one another. The idea being that men who are
in a bad mood, like to retreat into solitude - their man cave. 
Whereas women like to talk their problems out.

Here is how I experience irritation: there is a SERIOUS delay to my
response - to ANYTHING. Probably the result of dating a guy with a
sensitive mood that got pretty fucking manipulative with the issue -
the issue was real but so was how much he enjoyed the fuss I made
over him, every time he got into a "mood". Some guys really like
to be snuggled when they're moody. Four years into a relationship
with a dickhead like that and you're gonna become an expert fusser,
but also an EXPERT eye roller. One develops one's own absolute chill
through being manipulated by MEN. 

I love unconditionally - sure - "but not when I'm in a bad mood" 



Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain definitely were rockstar royalty but
did you know that I'm rockstar royalty? No - they removed all of that
from the internet. All trace of me was removed from the internet.
I didn't have any friends but I came out of that shit alive and
infamous. Not famous - infamous. When even 'famous' people don't want
to admit that they know who you are - and they'll try EVERY lie in the
BOOK. Is it cos I'm pro Israel? Thats the best excuse you've got going
but um... is it? Anyway.
#LOOK ONE - "Do I look like Frances Bean in this..? okay - wait - 

Surgery I have had - some injections. About 2 at a time. 
Less surgery than I'd have liked. I could - for HOURS - at length
discuss the plastic surgery I'd like to invest in. 
I'm KEPT poor by JEALOUSY. Losers playing the game. 
Screen Shot 2018-12-16 at 21.47.38.png

Screen Shot 2018-12-15 at 01.50.19.png
No one is putting Beyonce on a flag. Why is no one putting Beyonce
on a flag!? I would put Beyonce on a flag. 
I would put Bey on a flag and then I would frame it. 

Why is no one putting ME on a flag!? NO EXCUSES NECESSARY. ITS TOO

Just look at Che though. Look at him smizing. RIP CHE. 
(I"<M NOT DEAD!?")
What drugs are you on? all the drus


there is not one person alive that would dispute that he thought
this up because it was that fast a response to my Auntie.
Like - someone thought about this for some time
He would buy me nice things. He appreciates decent clothings. 
He has his shirts ironed, probably by a very sweet elderly lady.
and he appreciates whipsy hair. 

He's probably my dad. Probably the only guy I would shit on 
someone else to call dad actually. 

Probably also Russell's dad. Probably also
Rachel Weisz's dad. Probably Ville Valo's dad. Google us. We all
look a little bit similar. 

Like, really. As in seriously. God he's probably
Uncle Carlos' dad too. Ew. 
I'm unsure. We'll find out when my dead heroes admit they're not 
dead at all. And they will.


No one that knew Che would've put him on a badge and stuck it to their
denim jacket because he was - to his friends - a prick.

Latino men are pricks. I mean the women are fucking insane but the
men are pricks. That contributes to my look by the way. Insanity
and being a prick. They say it's the sun, but actually it's not - 
it's growing up with a mother who expressed love by screaming at you,
a father who probably loved the el presidente more than he loved you
or your mother or your sisters and only being interested in women that
liked the very fancy boys. 
That's probably because pricks happen when people who work fucking
hard for their dreams and aspirations - to be good enough for someone
that they have feelings towards - ends up 'picking' someone else.

And the insult actually never goes away and creates of a person a
warlord, I imagine. 

And Che would tell you that I've done more to create change than he
ever did. And I didn't have a colony of lepers to hide behind either.

Actually they'd of probably found a way to fuck me over because I 
guess his angle was he was actually a doctor and you can't just
assume that kind of knowledge. 

For example, I have been obsessed with photography and the adult
industry for a very long time. A lot of girls who were older
(legal for performing - before I was) became interested after I did
but got to do it before I did. Some of them, making a look of a look
I had planned my whole life, but had been kept too poor to afford.

It's not that the money wasn't coming in - because my sister was
kept in designer clothes. I had her hand-me-downs if I was lucky
and eventually I stopped going out because being physically
unattractive (pre injection me was NOT cute unless she was ANGRY)
and not being able to dress how I saw myself also made me not
want to go out very much either.
Frances Bean - Kurt Cobain and Courtney Loves and Dave Grohl's and
Melissa Auf der Maur's and Kathleen Hannah's weird child. 

Screen Shot 2018-11-30 at 19.43.42.png
Do I look like her??? or does she... look...
LIKE ME (I'll wait graciously for you to accept how many little 
sisters I actually have)
Screen Shot 2018-12-16 at 22.08.19
These fucking terrible photographs of me were taken by Susie Whitaker.
Some are good, only the ones where I practiced the pose first. 
She was a close friend, that my entire family knew, who took
consensual photographs of me in various states of undress. It was not
sexually motivated, we both were actually very comfortably masculine
and I believe we regarded female nudity the way men regard male 
nudity. Not weird at all. What was weird was that she only liked
taking ugly photos of me. Anyway, keep it equal between Frances and I
- before having work done I was kind of weird looking too. 
Screen Shot 2018-12-16 at 22.08.07Screen Shot 2018-12-16 at 22.08.19By the way - I was born with blue eyes. 
(by the way the photos are so bad that like, I laughed. a lot.)

I was born with blue eyes - that went green in some photos. I was 
abused by my brother and sister and cousins a lot and I became
suicidal. The doctors told my mother I was allergic to cows milk when
I almost died. I was taken to hospital for two weeks. That me 
physically died and was replaced with a brown eyed version of myself 
(my mother is embarrassed because she had spent so little time with 
me that she never actually noticed) but ultimately they changed
my eye colour because my older sister had serious jealousy issues 
about my eyes and my name. Also a bit of genetics later down the 
line would've told everyone that I wasn't genetically related to my 
family at all. My mother still thinks my eyes 'changed colour'. 
If you only teach someone ballet, or performing arts - they are a 
little bit stupid to everyone else. 

But dancers are taught the art of visualisation - you don't need to
have sex with someone to borrow physical traits.

This is a photograph of the Frances Bean by the David Lachapelle.
Allow me to explain my aesthetic in depth. The Universal you needs it. 
I know it is a lot of words but it's the most important thing you
can read if you think Kylie Jenner's look is really hers. This is
no kind of attack or invitation for competition - I think of her 
as a little sister, and she's got the scars to prove it.

My look was created years before I was old enough by my Grandmother,
the Emperor of Japan (REALLY) and a plastic surgeon called Pocho. 

"your big sister says cut your leg, you cut your leg" - Memoirs of


My look could not have happened without me having seen this, in the
format of a poster, a huge poster I think I saw on my way to Camden
one weekend. The black hair, the blue eyes - the perfect red lips.

And I suppose it's an homage to Walt Disney. Who is a God amongst men
forever. And I mean who really did the ungrateful, wistful bitch 
longing for a man-friend while her hair blew majestically in the 
wind better than this mother's necklace donning slutstrumpet supreme?

Asymmetrical, fringed eunach dress, who designed this?!

This was the first Disney Princess outfit I ever wanted.
I didn't get it, obviously.


Although some years later I did get gifted this dress. And to be 
perfectly honest, this bitch with the weak ankles is not me. I like
her look though.

This dress inspired this, I imagine. Always subconsciously, of course.
This is Audrey Tatou. Cocktail Queen as she appeared in Hors De Prix.
[ref] and [ref]

I personally find power in empathising with the character to the right
(And I think Irene's character ought to have set her up with her ex)



Screen Shot 2018-12-31 at 02.58.20.png
Image [Ref] My scar is bigger but it's nothing to compete over - it's
dangerous. And it's a good indication of who is thinking of you,
these coincidences. However they occur. But scars are hot. Africans
practice a form of scarification, but it's a very meaningful passage
of age ritual.

But karma is gonna be a bigger bitch if you don't jump on the AK-train

I'll explain why in a moment or ten. But it is to do with MAKE UP.
You think my style just happened - but it didn't. My style took 
many years to develop and is far apart from 'fashion' - 
where you're told what looks good by 'stylists' who peruse 
obscure social media accounts looking for "inspiration". I know my
sources. You don't know your sources. So if you're working in fashion
and you don't know who you're copying, you should step back. step the
I assure you that if Kylie and Frances made an honest account of
everything that had inspired them, their sources would align with my
own. ;)

I find style theft unacceptable - but I'll explain why. You can take
inspiration - or you can have a style icon who you quite proudly say
"I like to dress like X, Y, Z -" that way - you're not shitting on
whoever had to do the work to find a 'look' that works. People who
don't know how to style themselves die a sad death, look to your
favourite art and therein your style roots will begin to form.
I'll start with the 'basics' and also where 'responsible fashion' 
originates. It is important. People I fancied based on how they
curated their personalities, using photos, graphic design, typography,
colours and all sorts. This contributed to my own: actually.

I had a lot of friends growing up who were into 'Hardcore' - a kind 
of interpretation of punk that originated in the United States. 
"Henry Rollins, where are you??" I cry into the inter-ether - not 
'cos I fancy you - the first time I did find you attractive was when 
you played this character who reminded me of my big brother - Omi.


My big brother is my original style icon - he taught me something -

Here's one of my first pretend boyfriends ever. He's sort of a talent
less (you'd think) lazy, no good punk who got into one of the most
revolutionary music groups of all time. I fancied - technically - all
of these guys. Keith Flint, enter. The hot black guy ended up with a
white woman who was apparently competing with what she had heard about
Yoko Ono and decided to split them up. Thanks, bra

Keith Flint made it okay for guys to want to dance. I like guys who
can dance. That is something I look for in any guy - that he can
dance. (He doesn't have to, I like just knowing he can)


When it comes to HARDXCORE - I wasn't interested in the music 
but I was interested in how intelligent i found a lot of 'hardcore' 
kids to be - they weren't into taking drugs and they were deeply 
political. These were basically intelligent kids that had somehow
managed to be afforded an expensive education but rejected the 
image associated with being well educated. 
That is still white privilige and these kids were still victims 
of the mind control that comes with being raised by families 
that had invested in slaves at some point in their genetic histories.
The look was inspired by Skinheads - which wasn't supposed to be 
'racist', but was. Because how couldn't it be?
I mean any white American is still carrying the karma of the mess 
that is slavery and "black" people are JEWS. If you are either white
or black, you have no fucking place residing in the U.S. None at all.

Do you think just ANYONE could get away with saying something like
this? NO. You need to have been humiliated and walked out of it
a lot. You need to know how to do scary. That begins with being okay
with looking like shit. 

The ex hardcore kids that brought in skinny jeans hate to hear it 
sometimes - especially now more than ever - but it's FACT. You guys
are responsible for the absolute fucking MESS that is fashion right

I learned from reading through 'myspace profiles' that my "friends" 
put together - things like 
"passion before fashion' - "integrity before trend' - 
as in those sayings that todays youtubers like to put on stuff 
came from
hardXcore kids.
the 'X' stands for STRAIGHT EDGE - I learned that from someone I 
used to talk to on (A site I learned about from the kids
I hung out with on - A girl called Michelle from
Hong Kong - whose mother is a fashion Photographer - IMPORTANT)
Animal Testing in the COSMETICS INDUSTRY. This VEGAN SHIT.
Animal Testing in the COSMETICS INDUSTRY. This VEGAN SHIT.

By the way – I did discover you – and it is too late to be friends whenever you see this.

I was hella angry about the tests that were done on animals for 
MAKE UP. So its of no surprise that ALL of my favourite myspace 
celebrities are associated with brands like:
I bought a roll on cake scented perfume from 'Shrinkle' - 
a girl who used to sculpt little cake keyrings from 'fimo clay' 
and sell her fashion designs on a website called LIVEJOURNAL. 
LiveJournal is the original tumblr.

Years ago a tranny called Mika that I was absolutely in love with
and actually kind of broke my heart told me that he was working with
Selfridges - on a brand called Illamasqua - to sell make up. He looks
like a complete fucking mess now cos he's trying to 'look straight'
but back then he was the prettiest thing I had ever seen. 
I named my pet cat 'Bonita' after his bestfriend. They fancied my ex
more than they fancied me and soon after meeting them, he and I broke
up. If she wasn't name dropped she'd be offended.
'JEFFREE STAR' - a tranny Queen electropopstar that I was even more 
in love with than I had been with Mika - that I never had a chance to
meet. You can't just do these looks and think you had anything to do
with the birth of it. If you are under 25, you had fuck all to do 
with the make up you like to wear.
a band with her boyfriend, an accountant, they were called 'Skysalt'
and they played dreamy fairytale music. 


She made a living by organising parties in warehouses for local bands 
to come and play at. She amassed her fame by selling stuff on 
LiveJournal - colourful one-off handmade hoodies and jewellery. 

I actually saved the best for last - she got 'big' by using the 
internet to explore her various alteregos. SO MANY NAMES.
She also did make up tutorials online - on LiveJournal. 
Before any of them were selling make up, they were wearing it 
really, really, ridiculously well. There was a lot of drama where
it would've been better for these successful livejournallers to
team up but they were baited against each other and it created a
lot of internet drama - which they could've capitalised on.
I mean they did in the end, but it's nothing as to what it could have

This is her and her accountant boyfriend, Mark. 
Now I'm going to be a cunt. I know Audrey Kitching works for
Urban Outfitters. I used to see who was accessing MY SITES and MY
blogs - and I had a lot of hits from urbanoutfitters. I have nothing
against her really, but I feel like she was inspired by me and never
really admitted to the fact. It'd have been nice for people to just
give a link or something to my blogs rather than pretend I didn't 
exist. Which is what everyone did. I wasn't trying to sell anything
and I was no one's competition - so it was hurtful. Not making this
about me - it takes confidence to dress like this, model like this

Also she looks like a girl I fancied in a school I went to for a bit.
That girl was a bit mean. I like mean girls but not when I'm not being

Screen Shot 2018-12-17 at 15.56.00.png



She and a girl called Zui Suicide - of fame - were 
going to do a reality TV show online. It was cancelled. 

I am sad that it never aired, because I think it'd have been great to
look back on it and have been able to consider it a contribution to
the internet fashion archive - like 'we contributed to fashion'. 
(We, the original web-addicts)

They look 'silly' but they were actually very young, and if you don't
feel comfortable looking 'silly', you will never have the condfidence
to pull off the kind of outfits that they both wear today.

I'm sure there'd have been a few years of humiliation over how they
used to dress, because people grow up for awhile - and 'normal' 
people started using the internet and coping with jealousy through 
humiliating people that had the confidence to be 
performative-dressers, but people like us actually helped them 
cultivate the look thats currently worn by everyone on instagram. 

Teenagers have no idea why they dress the way they do - even the
ones that think they're 'interested in fashion' because they can
afford to buy designer.

Zui died or something of a drug overdose (I imagine) and Audrey - who had
used her for fame - had done nothing of the sort.
I'm making a joke. I doubt she's dead. Sometimes the only way to
get women to come out of hiding and take back their original
personas is to be rude.

Girls are cut-throaty aren't they.
Let me make this as clear as I can though - I FOUND THEM. 
I AM THE ONE THAT MADE THEM. The people on my original friendslist
on myspace - which has been deleted without permission - are now
some of the world's favourite e-celebrities. (I used to just add people
I enjoyed lurking/fancied.)

Yes they're all talented, and interesting, hence my interest in them 

The above are the biggest names in the retail and make up industry. 
And they do not use nor sell products that have been tested on 

And obviously, the classic designers and labels aren't being
considered here - I didn't make those. They were around before
I was born.
Thankyou >> Stiletto/Scurvette << - for bringing some years ago on 
your blog - that the origins of OUR look are this way inclined. 

Whatever your attractions might be - don't delude yourself - 
don't forget the source. This is Divine. Women's current make up 
trends imitate DRAG QUEENS. And good for you, I love it.

(Drag Queens actually copy ARAB women. But we'll get to that another


used to put those quotes on their myspace pages, but before that
they put that shit on their clothes - tshirts they bought at 'shows'.

This was the birth of D.I.Y culture which later inspired 'life hacks'
culture online. When all the cool kids had been embarrassed out of
their own style origins by the sad kids that followed fashion 
trends they had no idea they were ripping off, but with labels

Vivienne Westwood is British Heritage and directly responsible for
the Sex Pistols, Adam and the Ants and the aesthetic we associate with
'british punk' - but actually the culture in british punk is a
completely bastardised version of what it had been in the States - 
because those men liked shit like football, lad culture etc - they
liked to stumble around drunkenly. Vivienne Westwood isn't responsible
for that nonsense but she is responsible for how fucking good they
looked - and also - that screen-printing indie culture in the states
that had so many online musicians making money selling their stuff
ONLINE cos they sure as hell couldn't of afforded a shop or even
a stall in Camden town or Portabello. The kids that made this a thing
weren't old enough to have those stalls - so WE created the internet
as you fucking know it. Don't forget it.

How fucking good their graphic design was because kids were too poor
to fucking replace their shit. During the second world war there were
kids called 'latch key kids' - kids whose dads were out playing
indians and cowboys and mothers were out learning that they could 
work 'menial labour' - as in they were often working in factories. 

 One time I read about the singer
in a band called Horrorpops who wallpapered her home with a stapler
and leopard print fabric. They quite enjoyed the 50's but also the
Prepare for me to be the biggest bitch ever. This is a song about

[Image taken from Google - ref]
Messy hair - something I stole from 'grunge' - and 'punk' - a 
collection of subcultures really, 
that originated in the United States and the U.K - angry teenagers 
that rejected the 50's ideal of perfection that was expected of women. 
As a teenager I liked my hair greasy and messy. I didn't brush my hair
- quite the opposite. Years later I came across a sad flyer in a 
psychiatric ward that taught 'mentally ill' people to carry a brush
around so they could appear tidier to employers. The real me didn't
give a fuck about being employable and now if you want to be employed
you have to have 'a look' - sadly I am the origin of the look that 
everyone is making money off. But I am going to explain why in detail.


I liked to think I was emulating artists like
Kurt Cobain and Ville Valo but it's all about who THEY were emulating

Red Lipstick, to me, is forever a Courtney Love thing. Her mother
is a renowned Jewish psychiatrist who had their family unit 
traversing all sorts of Hippie Communes and Clove was a sixteen
year old stripper/pole dancer. It was a feminist decision and also
quite a lazy one. Who am I washing my hair for, really? 

This top is St Michael - Vintage Marks & Spencers. 



Ever since my granma Concepcion arranged for Sakura Card Captors
to be aired at night when I was in Paraguay suffering with jetlag
 - my sense of style was inspired by the excessively/obnoxiously 
effeminate aesthetic of the protagonist who was dressed in 
superhero outfits by her bestfriend who would video her. The skirts
were short because she was pretty fucking athletic/active. Years
later I would learn that there was a street culture called "Elegant
Gothic Lolita" which had been inspired by a Victoriana aesthetic. But
actually there was already a woman who was fascinated by the notion
of someone being a complete whore and not being sexual at all.

Here is what might be a genuine photo of a dead Victorian person.
The only thing you can fully trust about Clove is probably that
she doesn't give enough fucks about you to feel bad telling you a lie
and why should a woman tell you the truth? Why do you deserve the 
truth of her decisions? We don't care about your truth, you know. 
This feminist attitude was referenced by Germaine Greer, and many
teen fiction writers who romanticised the idea of girls being
rockstars with the same addictions and uncontrollable libidos that
rockstars have.
Victoriana inspired sleeve detailing on the blouse.
It speaks to my inner Lolita. Lolita - to me - is a Japanese
Street Fashion subculture that is heavily inspired by Victorian
culture - girls who dress like that do not want to be sexualised
or fetishised. 

I'm a sleeve and collar person. 
I have a hand fetish and a collar bone fetish. 

Don't worry, I'm not into yours. You have to be wearing shoes I like
before I'll look at your body. 

 you probably have to have done a lot of ballet to have
the kind of hands i'm into. and if i'm not into your shoes i'm not
gonna look at your clavicleThe Denim Jacket is Helmut Lang and I want to
customise it - Helena Bonham Carter had a denim brand I read about
in an interview years ago and she had sewn lots of ruffles and lace 
onto one-off pieces of denim and i've never gotten over how 
inspiring that was. I used to like buying weird one offs in camden
when i had saved up enough pocket money. my sister was spending
the family allowance on shopping sprees in places like harrods etc
i didn't have nice enough clothes to be shopping there!
The sucky-inny tights are Wolford - these are expensive and long 
lasting, and they are technically second hand but they were probably
purchased on netaporter by someone that used to live in this house
smollphoto.jpg tights.pngPI.jpg
Isn't the detailing superb? So me

You think that this instagram baby prostitute look just happened
but actually it's fucking MINE. The fuck do any of you think you know
about fashion? I had to be woken up an hour earlier on school days
without fail in Dubai because I fucking HATED the sleeves on my shirts

I came to terms with the pure trauma of those sleeves because 
of... Chun-Li. [ref] Also my insecurity about my thighs. Which
were a lot bigger than the thighs of the girls I knew. 

and when I was at London College of Fashion I was interested in 
designing LEGGINGS. 

They were the next big thing after skinny jeans.



(And Walt Disney, and Che)

My inner tacky and love for pastels probably came from this song.

Also my overuse of BLUSHER.

I tried to find a youtube clip of Marge's mother telling Marge
"ladies don't rouge, ladies pinch".


Let me tell you a little bit about these poses. They were inspired
by the Pocahontas game on Sega Mega Drive. And are not sexual, to me
Screen Shot 2018-12-30 at 23.51.35Screen Shot 2018-12-30 at 23.51.48Screen Shot 2018-12-30 at 23.52.02Screen Shot 2018-12-30 at 23.52.29Screen Shot 2018-12-30 at 23.52.59Screen Shot 2018-12-30 at 23.53.07
Stills taken from [ref]
Screen Shot 2018-12-30 at 23.51.48Screen Shot 2018-12-30 at 23.52.02Screen Shot 2018-12-30 at 23.52.29Screen Shot 2018-12-30 at 23.52.59Screen Shot 2018-12-30 at 23.53.07

[I'll have to scan in a photograph of me in a dress that really
messed with my perception of my own silhouette]

You could put anyone in any one of these garments, and they could
not wear it the way I do. Leggings, a blouse, ruffled shorts,
brogues, a bow. None of these items alone are spectacular.

I'm drawn to the colour palette, the shapes - I'll come back to
this when I can write properly.

That's personal style - 

It's just a shame that the top is cropped - it's not designed
to be a croptop, it's designed for people with small torsos.

Women with small torsos can very rarely, in MY opinion - pull
off shoulders like that.
I S A B E L   M A R A N T   
TAN Boots by Public Desire
Perfect Ribbed Vest by Isabel Marant
No one appreciates a well made vest better than I do.

Inspired by >> Nemesis Suicide << [ref]


And >> Gogo Suicide <<


Both of whom, I imagine, were obviously inspired by El Professional
my very favourite film. [ref]
(I say this about all my favourite films: "it's my favourite film
EVER.") (But this one, probably actually is.)


TAN earphones by Goji
TAN French Pants by La Senza (R.I.P)
(I genuinely think La Senza was closed down because of how
 cute they kept the broke girls at U.C.A looking)

I rolled down these thigh highs cos I like things to look layered -
but the look was in part inspired by Leon and in part inspired by
xXx - I'm probably one of Vin Diesel's biggest fans. He was a dancer
before he was an actor - and he used to break dance on the streets.
I know people like to embarrass dancers - but I'd rather a kick to
the face from a 'footballer' than a kick to the face from a real
dancer. No word of a lie. Though I imagine neither would be stupid
enough to kick me now ;)

This is Asia Argento in xXx - the scene has been edited a lot and
doesn't look how it does in the version of the movie I watched.
She does the most epic stripper walk I've ever seen as she leads
xXx to a room with an epic black bed-pole dancer who has a body
of pure muscle and he is obviously deeply inconwenienced because
he gets to have sex with her as part of an undercover job.

If I were him I would have switched sides. That is the truth.
He was being offered a better deal by the Russians, he only hung
around because of Samuel .L Jackson. What they like to do, is put
you with someone who appreciates how much you've struggled - who
helps you feel understood. Thats why mutes are better at this kind
of work. It means something when WE connect with YOU.

(Oh, and if you abuse it you are dead to us, as far as we're 

Screen Shot 2018-12-31 at 00.31.38.png
C A R R I E   V I B E S



Tutu shorts by Accessorize, Adeline Heels by Be Mine, Polka dot socks by Tesco, Taupe nail polish £1 store


Silver Chain by Amazon, Waistbelt by Newlook


This look is totally inspired by Carrie Bradshaw of SATC. The top is a vintage silk pyjama top I stole off my sister (thinking of the naked dress episode) and the tulle skirt is mineses. I remember an interview once where the SATC stylists found a cute tutu in a charity shop and she wears it in the iconic opening sequence and SJP looks s0o0o amazing. She reminds me of my auntie Shasha.
The waist belt is kinda inspired by Lil Kim/Kim Kardashian/Kylie’s sexy baggy tshirt phase and I bought it a year ago.
(I think of myself as more of a Samantha/Charlotte hybrid. If you’re wondering.)


I dream in Missoni and Public Desire


Kimono Muumuu X Missoni | Waist Belt X New Look | Heels X Public Desire |


Now, I'll explain what inspired this look. You probably think it's
just some clothes put together. You're mistaken.

The transparent bed mattress filled with water and goldfish in a 
Goofy Movie.

Screen Shot 2019-01-02 at 05.13.17.png[ref]


Lulu from Final Fantasy X [ref]

Hatsumomo's formal introduction, in Memoirs of a Geisha [ref]

Milla Jovovich in the Resident Evil series. Which are far apart from the first person shooter game by Capcom - who I LOVE. But who don't appreciate how difficult the angle is for someone with dyspraxia.





Levi's military gear in attack on Titan - I've found that wearing 
stuff that constricts your blood flow helps if you get asspain.

Funny thing about belts. 
And crowns. 
And chains. 
And 1 pound coins. 
And Unicorns, too.


By the way, when I am cruel, (sometimes I am) I am cruel like these 
two - who I think, aside from Mrs Nita - are the cruellest and 
strongest characters in Arthur Golden's Memoirs of a Geisha. 
I think that if I were around... I'd have made sure that these two 
were sisters. 

[ref] Mameha

and Pumpkin.


Pumpkin is actually another of my favourite characters in a book I
really enjoyed as a child. She's a beehive and polkadot scarf donning,
colour-yellow-obsessed mother with a doting son called Kasper, 
who makes her banoffee pie. If you buy this book - and you should -
buy this version. Accept no other.



I love also - the spirals in the legs of this chair. Which could only
have been inspired by Klimt's. This piece is, I think called 
Adele Bloch-Bauer.

[ref] Or the Fleur De Lis. Maybe.

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