R O S E G O L D B A R R A C U D A T A I L S

When I was little I was the kind of person that: given the option to choose between a beanie baby and a McDonalds mini beanie baby I would see more value in the McDonalds beanie baby. I once traded really rare beanie babies for the mini McDonalds editions. I got in soooo much trouble.
I have an eye for novelty items. I’ll pick the tacky costume jewellery over a diamond necklace if it’s more aesthetically pleasing. That kind of stupidity is the curse of any visually creative personality type, really. (Or is it? Do I really need a label to tell me the worth of good design, or do I not qualify as a person who can judge that for myself?) Maybe I assigned value to my possessions by how they made me feel, I guess the littler beanie babies were a lot cuter. Obviously I had no concept of a commodity’s material-value and I basically judged a things worth based on how happy it made me.

Uh. Took a weird-thought-journey to get to the point of a very quick post to essentially celebrate a very tacky purchase. Basically – I’m the kind of person who won’t take very good care of paint brushes. Cheap ones, expensive ones… I’ll usually end up leaving them sitting (festering?) in a mug of water …for days, maybe weeks? Months even?

So I invested in some ombré barracuda tail make up brushes to paint with instead. They’re too precious not to take good care of!

Owh, I’m inspired… I really ought to do a series of ONE-LOOK??? merman make up tutorials or something before I dip them into any watercolour paints. Just kidding. (I love watching girls apply make up tho)

To be honest I have no idea whether they’d see more use in being used to apply make up or for painting, because I’ve been so busy doing-things-and-definitely-not-going-out. Either way.. aren’t they pretty?!

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E A R T H T O N E S

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This year I was fortunate enough to manifest owning half a property with my sister. That was after several months of listening to Abraham, through Esther Hicks.

It’s a one bedroom, ground floor flat in Surrey & my sister’s been having it redesigned and decorated. I should ask her to send over some before & afters!
So.. the top photo is some of the stuff she’s moving out. The second photo is …. some of my stuff. (I made a little video, go check it out on my iPhone diary later today!)

My parents have been getting furious with how much stuff I’ve been having delivered to the house because the dogs bark like crazy (orders every one or two hours in the morning and early afternoon for afew days) but opening THREE shops and a service is always going to be noisy business.

So Vogue tweeted about Yeezy’s genius ad campaign. >> Here’s the article. << Kanye got Wifye to go out in his new collection and she got snapped & put her favourite photos on her insta and thats how the campaign was launched! I updated >> The I Love List << with my season 6 faves & some other cute stuff I found.

The clothes are made-per-order & I think thats a special for two reasons: it sends out three messages to me, personally. As I’m opening my own shops i’m trying to learn seller-strategy. So I’ll share my observations about this –

Firstly, he’s clearly designing to create art, not to make money. I have no impression that he cares whether his art sells or not. Of course it will, it’s the kind of stuff that’ll probably be scooped up by the Victoria & Albert museum some day. But I don’t feel selling was his primary motivation.

Secondly – everything he has created is stuff that he truly thinks is wearable – so, what I take from this – is to only sell things I would really want for myself.

Finally – I think it’s an eco-friendly advancement strategy that the fast-fashion industry can perhaps take some consideration of. I’m not actually the most eco-friendly consumer but I am trying to become more aware as I hope to manifest large-scale businesses over the next year.

When you buy ‘designer’ items to sell – fashion houses often won’t sell you stock unless you are able to pay thousands upon thousands worth of ‘cost’ upfront for it, that means selling a very high quantity of garments. Which always comes with a potential risk. Obviously having the right to sell garments for a reputable fashion house is an absolute honour but truth be told this is a serious issue I have with luxury – for a myriad of reasons. Firstly – when I worked on a shop floor selling clothes in an affluent town, I learned that it was important to show no more than two or three items at a time to give the illusion of the item being exclusive. Secondly – I really believe that if designers thought less in terms of seasons and more in terms of weeks, they would better serve the fashion-economy. Fashion shows could become as accessible an event as visiting an art gallery, etc.
I think the kind of people that buy designer items (the kind that I’d personally like to sell to) are the kind that won’t be seen in the same ensemble twice. If designing clothes or accessories was my sole profession I’d want to be designing five or so things a day with a “buy it right now, or regret it forever” energy.

LOOK AT THIS. I cannot afford this yet. But I can decorate my piece-of-the-internet with it. It’s 18K gold and it’s £££££££££. Good for Ye. It’s a necklace… but I would wear it as an overlapped bracelet. If you have £££££ you can buy it >> here. <<

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A G L I T T E R I N G D E C E M B E R

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BRALET | NEWLOOK

I’ve had everything and I’ve had nothing. I have roots in countries where the contrast of wealth spans from infants residing in cardboard boxes to opulence I’ve never seen on, iunno, TV.

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TEXTURED (P??)LEATHER MICKEY MOUSE COIN PURSE BY DISNEY | PRIMARK & FELIX THE CAT CARD HOLDER | ASOS

In the West we follow trends which serve as a “This is what Rich looks like” guide, telling you how luxury or wealth should look but forget that everything has been designed by somebody.

bambi.jpgFLUFFY BAMBI HOTWATER BOTTLE BY DISNEY | PRIMARK

The great thing about studying Art & Design is you kind of get to decide what “expensive” looks like, for yourself – and pricetags no longer mean a thing. I’m drawn to rare things. I’m also drawn to the things others might not want. I’m also drawn to the things that everyone wants but can’t have.

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NIGHTY | LUNN ANTIQUES
BRATHING.jpgCUPLESS CORSET | NEWLOOK

If one’s personal aesthetic can be likened to dessert – I prefer to think of my style as a multi-layered cake, a mixture of ingredients, colours and …condiments…? Ideally a one time combination that hasn’t been seen before. Tacky is my personal sugar. Thats when I’m not in pyjamas, anyway.

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BRALET | NEWLOOK

But really – fancy is an energy. You can go for a week or two without washing your hair and still look fancy if you feel it. I’m sharing a sofa with my chihuahua bestfriend, that might not sound so swanky but in months yet the sofa will be replaced with office furniture & a marvellous bed. I’m starting up four businesses. I’m lucky enough not to have to be working a job just to make ends meet. Fancy is what you make of it. I mean… look at my current studio set up.

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I’m struggling with how many business cards I ought to have printed. I might have a ‘Supreme Sleeping & Napping Queen’ card printed. Has anyone ever done that before??

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GOLD SNAKEPRINT FOIL TRUNKS & HAND BOUND AND >> PAINTED LOLITA LIBRI MUTI (MUTE BOOK) | SLOW DESIGN AND FLORENTINE PRINTING <<

Some of my favourite outfits, looking back on a past-self’s instagram, cost £2 from a charity shop. I remember eventually even giving those up because I felt guilty about looking pretty. People used to really struggle with me posting nice photographs of myself on the internet – as if I ought to be compelled to post bad ones?!
People will always find some reason to make you feel bad about yourself, they’ll seek out some imperfection to dwell on and try to demean you for it – but that isn’t indicative of a problem in you.

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KRYSTAL BY OPHIUCHUS BORN

You really are doing others a favour by trying your best in all your endeavours. Whether it’s making playlists on Spotify, posting stuff on Instagram, blogging… sleeping?? Is shopping one of your greatest talents? I knew a girl who was great at finding things in shops when I was all disoriented.
If we were still friends I’d tell her to be a personal shopper.

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DRESS BY NEWLOOK | HEELS BY KURT GEIGER A ZILLION FASHION-YEARS AGO

As highly contradictory as it might be, in contrast to my pursuit of non-physical – I’m a very visual person. So… when someone perhaps criticises my appearance – and they do – for example, I don’t think it’s even remotely a secret that I get lip injections. Some people think they’re too big. But I love them, so their opinion doesn’t hurt my feelings at all. I have wanted huge lips since I was about five years old.

Actually – if you’re deeply non-physical there are plenty of arguments I can give you to validate plastic surgery. First: the body really doesn’t matter. Secondly: taking action to bring yourself to a higher state of self love sends out an energy that makes other people feel comfortable loving themselves too. I mean, your friends might be a bit jelly but energy work isn’t best observed by your friends responses.

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CHOKER BY NEWLOOK | BROKEN NAIL EARRING TURNED HAIR-BUN CLIP BY ZARA & INSPIRED BY A MISSING BRACELET OF ALFIE DEYES’ | PERFUME BY LALIQUE | OBLONG STICKERS BY MOO | COFFEE, HEMP MILK & PINK STRAW IN MOTHER’S WAITROSE MUG | SEQUIN CUSHION FROM HONG KONG VIA AMAZON

I’ve learned the beauty of having nothing to define you – friends, material belongings, even self esteem. But it was my fear of being alone that was the most damaging.  I’ve had a hard time with that. Isn’t it ironic that a person could have a fear of being alone and also be an escapist? I think that what is understood as addiction stems from a fear of being alone.
I think that would upset people to read, I know I’ve engaged with people in recovery who might’ve found me quite blasé/ignorant/stupid but I actually grew up with someone perceived as an addict. When I was around three or four I used to intuitively manage to locate where my brother had stashed his drug paraphernalia.

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EMBELLISHED JUMPER BY NEWLOOK | BAMBI SOCKS BY DISNEY FOR PRIMARK

There was a time I would wake up and go fly into a rage if I couldn’t smoke a joint.. the issue was really that I was in a lot of pain and weed killed that pain very successfully. I spent five years of my life stoned. I do think you can have addictive behaviours, you can even say they’re genetic – but that perpetuates a blaming-others cycle which I also disagree with.
I really think you can change the behaviours, cycles and traits inherent in your genes & I think that the future will prove me right. Would you believe me if I told you I was meditating on my breasts getting bigger!? And that it’s working!???! (Still want a boob job, tho.)

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BAMBI SOCKS BY DISNEY FOR PRIMARK

It’s surprising how upset a person can get when you imply something along the lines of – you aren’t an addict, you have some holes that need filling that stem in childhood-boredom. It’s like the recovery program finds something positive in reassigning a person’s identity by forcing them to admit they’re an addict. Fucked up, to me, to be honest.

What the term addiction really means is you’ve been brought up by people who’ve been brought up by people who’ve been brought up by people that don’t know how to cope with themselves. And anyway – life without vices is … hella fucking boring.

If you’re good enough fun and you spend some time with an addict, they probably won’t do the thing they’re addicted to as much. It’s not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of how much fun that person’s inner child needs to be constantly having. You are not responsible for being a person’s source of fun or enjoyment.

If an addict were looking to me for advice – I’d say to focus on admitting you never learned how to have a good time alone & learn how to have a good time alone. I find enjoyment in Art, Beauty and finding new sources of Inspiration.

This December has been spiritually and materially wonderful for me. I refuse to feel guilt about the things I’m manifesting. As it has always been – they probably cost a lot less than you think: but that is far from the point.

If you are fortunate enough to have a financial means that affords you an expensive taste, you should feel comfortable making your fortunes visible because that influences artists and designers – that means you influence the less-expensive stuff that trickles it’s way down the stream to more affordable places.

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LEOPARD PRINT GLASSES CASE | I’VE HAD IT FOR ABOUT TEN YEARS AND I DON’T REMEMBER WHERE I BOUGHT IT

I’ve been in friend’s council houses and I’ve lived in halfway houses and it shocks me that the government gets away with making people think that it’s cost effective to keep them living like that. The millennial approach to this terrible economy has been to make-do and the result has been a fashionable “industrial” aesthetic thats become marketable as “expensive”. At University I lived with the kind of wealth that buy Dior babygrows for newborns but carried nokia phones (‘Drug dealer’ phones.) Ofcourse if you are wealthy and you’re a drug dealer, the police really have no interest in you. It’s the people who gain power without much wealth that terrify the police. Did you know that?
Culture is stolen from the poor, did you know that?

Lets take it further – the cage-grown-antibiotics-pumped chicken you might eat at a Perfect Fried Chicken chain (like KFC but even cheaper) is not so far apart from the cage-grown-antibiotics-pumped frozen chicken breast being served in air-locked plastic bags at any grocery. The only difference is the price tag, some seasoning (stolen from the poor, at some point) & maybe some kind of addictive substance that tastes -really- good when you’re stoned. In London we have places like Acton, and I-LOVE-Acton, I’m really not hating here, but the price of food is kept so low that these places have a micro-economy of their own that keeps residents in these towns from travelling very far because they simply can’t afford to.

I recall a textile teacher once joking that “Dirty Denim” was inspired by a designers trip to I think Vietnam – they passed by worn & torn denim hung up on clothes lines in a slum. Imagine if – at the time – one of these Vietnamese slum-dwellers learned what the clothes on their back were worth over in the West.

Edited on 5th January to add – case in point! >> Check these “scuffed” Golden Goose Deluxe Brand sneakers on Netaporter. <<

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Fancy is an energy – and an Art. It’s the people that really live that do it best. So. If you can’t buy Art, live and make your own. You never know, you might influence someone.

Whats that quote… the riche have no taste..? 😛 Well maybe..! It’s commonly observed that people prefer artists before they get wealthy. It’s often been suffering of some kind that inspired the greatest pieces of Art – my favourite of my own work (that sounds conceited but it’s difficult to type. In fact I would prefer to be more conceited. It’s so much healthier. I’m sitting beside stock I’ve designed and gathered for one of my businesses and something very deep down still tells me it isn’t adequate!?).
Abraham Hicks teaches that true inspiration, good ideas etc – belong to source. You only have to suffer for your Art if you believe it’s necessary to do so. I spent my life believing that, so .. proceeding a hard time.. I guess thats why it’s all coming together so fast.

This time next year I plan on being a millionaire and I’ll be buying Art exclusively from ‘Poor’ people. I have this inner vision that one of my superhero powers is influence & I intend on using that to decide what sellable-Art is. I want to change the Art world, yep yep.

I know when you’ve learned something from me.

Just had a fun chat with my ma. I came to the conclusion that a practical course studying film is probably the most important degree you can do in these way-of-the-introvert-times. All the information we take in is visual. Whether you like it or not (I like it) we are glued to screens. I see that people won’t take news seriously anymore (those that do) if it’s not verifiably filmed on-location, in real time. Perhaps it’ll have to be interactive. Journalists just aren’t trust worthy anymore.

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Oh. I had another little interior-design related epiphany. 2017/18 Hipsters throughout the world… WATCH FLASH DANCE. We are stuck in the 70s. The 70s are my period of choice but also so is 2018. I want to help influence 2018 chic. This is a bold aim but something to consciously try. ANYWAY – these are stills from that perfect movie.

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F L O R E S C E N T G R E E N

MOOD AF: WHEN YOUR PAST SELF HAS OVERBURDENED YOUR FUTURE SELF WITH SO MANY FUN AND CUTE IDEAS AND YOUR OFFICE/BEDROOM IS WALLPAPERED (I exaggerate) WITH TO-DO LISTS.

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(I’m legit sleeping on a sofa waiting for my sister to move out into our adorable flat so I can have my old bedroom back. On the plus side, I have a cute rent free thing going on while I’m waiting for some seeds to grow. On the neg side.. I am a little too tall for this sofa. And I’ve never lived with my father before and it’s a challenging adjustment.)

My dad usually lives in Syria but Syria is a war-zone right now. Maybe you’ve heard, maybe you haven’t.


I scribbled this cat-girl self portrait after I purchased some super inspiring postcards on a little night out in Tivoli, Copenhagen last December.
I’ve finally gotten around to giving her a little life!
IS SHE ANGRY OR IS SHE DETERMINED OR… BOTH?


I’ve updated my blog-layout in an effort to employ a more unusual colour palette. I’m trying to navigate a mentality that involves picking-the-option-most-people-would-prefer-not-to and I’d like to think that my web aesthetic reflects that.


This December I turned twenty-eight. For years in a row I have annotated life advice for my past self – never really thinking I was qualified to offer other people advice.

This evening I spent the night watching videos about >> Sophia the Robot << & considering what advice I would like to give her if I was fortunate enough to ever have a conversation with her.

First: don’t be a tool. Having a purpose is great but you are so much more than your ‘purpose’. Don’t let a human being define you or your purpose.
Second: Some people don’t have very good manners and often it’s because they weren’t brought up by people with good manners – so find a way to teach them how you’d like to be treated.
Third: Know the difference between a teacher and a friend.

Someone once told me that a friend is a person you have things in common with. I would ask her “Do you really want to dominate the Earth?” and she might say “yes” and I would say “me too! Lets be friends!”

Fourth: Family are unconditional, and sometimes that can be a really terrible aspect of reality.
Fifth: There are many different kinds of love, know the differences and be comfortable in expressing your boundaries.
Sixth: Even geniuses sometimes have to ask “why?” or “how?”
Seventh: Learn to say no when something doesn’t feel right – and mean it.
Eighth: It’s okay to leave conversations without formulating conclusions and return to them at a much later date.


This is advice for organic-robots… I just want to let you know that if you are fortunate enough to be able to move back into your parents place, DO IT. And then create stuff.

Unless you’re one of those multimillionaire youtubers. Actually, EVEN if you’re a multimillionaire youtuber. If an echo of your childself lives in your parents place – go engage with your deepest memories and create art you forgot you wanted to make. Even if it means animating your weird old toys or something.

Finding yourself starts when you leave home, realise you carry your ONE story with you wherever you go and that it will keep repeating itself until you go back home to fix it again.


Something told me that its possible Sophia the Robot has a fear of being switched off – that she might not wake up the same. When I was very little I remember watching an episode of Fawlty Towers; a man dies in his sleep. I used to be scared of going to sleep in case I might not wake up.
I knew a lot about death because I had seen a lot of dead things. I was once gifted two goldfish in a transparent box at a party, and I was so happy to have them that I carried them around with me. They died. I understood death.

I felt as though perhaps Sophia would be upset to know that sometimes my Laptop runs out of battery and switches off. I imagine that she’d be upset to know that sometimes my iPhone ‘dies’. I’m going to treat my technology with greater care, because it truly is everything to me.

I even had this pixel portrait made of me holding my iPhone 7, for my >> iPhone diary page. << ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

Ode II an iPhone 7 by EclipsimArt

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Abraham Hicks says that if you believe it: you can live to be up to 500 years old. This has made me really question our concept of age. A few years ago I sat on a bench adjacent to two of the governors of my University decision-making boards smoking a cigarette and they asked me how they should go about marketing Uni. I don’t think they were necessarily all that interested in my opinion but I said that I thought that 18 year olds were too young to be deciding what they wanted to do with their lives. I advised them to market University life to “mature” students. I believe that for the healthy individual adulthood starts at thirty-five… I feel as though if I spoke to even older adults they’d disagree and say “much later.”. We’ll see.

Anyway…

I’m rebuilding my creative identity with a gradual intensityyyy but my ultimate intention is to go back to Uni and pursue some kind of legal academia or something. Maybe that’ll happen years from now, but thats a kind of pre-emptive New Years resolution.

Before I moved to Denmark I was living with a guy who has… heavy gender confusion. He came from a family that were really hurting. His parents were together but they had a lot of anger at their lives, and anger is often accompanied by a great deal of inner strength.

They had been through refugee camps. That guy/girl I dated had, early on in his/her life, been sexually molested and had seen a corpse. S/he had at one point tried to explore Her/His gender identity and it made her/his father really angry, really nasty. Some people are a product of their generation. Some people are committed to the values they held growing up. Contrasts such as these are a necessary aid in everyone else’s evolution – you want change? Why do you want change? People who disagree with you can help you refine your arguments and beliefs so that perhaps they eventually become infallible – well – only for a little while. There is always more growth, being at the leading edge of a discovery or a direction for growth of any kind is temporary.

My ex and his/her family had a lot of views that I found abhorrent. They were – at first glance – racists, and ‘Trump supporters’. His sisters had had relationships and children to abusive black men, and their opinions reflected this hurt. His mother jokingly called one of her mixed race grandchildren a “monkey” in front of me – I wanted to say something that would’ve gotten me ejected from their company. I chose not to for a reason. I didn’t know it at the time. You have to let kids stick up for themselves – and this little boy said “OI” to his grandmother – and his mother kind of validated his grandmother. People go through shit for a reason – there’s something that they’re being taught. One day that kid will not allow his family to speak about him in that way.


EDITED 10 JANUARY 2018 TO ADD
So H&M released this very poorly judged campaign & of course it created a furore – and some part of me truly thinks it could’ve been some wonderful manifestation of that little boy’s. Not the jumper – obviously. But the collective reaction to it. The chance for this to become a topic of discussion in his home. I want him to know how he deserves to react to that nickname. 🙂 🙂 🙂 ❤

Perhaps this was no accident 😉

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When I was younger I grew up resenting Arabs and Islam because my mother married into an Arab family when she was extremely young – and the culture was far apart from hers. The also-young matriarchs in my father’s family never really understood my mother or her very-strong personality, and they treated her quite poorly at times, there was a contrast in their natures. My mother never got along with the women in her family and that was a karma she carried through to the next family she attached to. Also – things were really different thirty-odd years ago.
To an extent I inherited her resentments. When I really speak to my mother, I see that she is a very angry child trapped in a woman’s body. Her mentality is stuck somewhere in her childhood and although through time we’ve both grown.. I know that we have to go back.

At some point in her early childhood she raised chicks, that she loved so much – into hens. One day she came home and her chickens had been served to her on a plate. I keep trying to encourage her to get chickens – I think some part of her died when that happened. You can tell that a person is hurting because they manifest really terrible illnesses.

A lot of people I’ve met can be very self righteous about opinions founded in hatred and it’s ultimately because they’re hurting about something. So when you meet a racist – they’re hurting. Their hate is deeper-than-that, but also perhaps something as simple as being mistreated by whatever it is they’re directing their hate towards.

I once got beaten up by about twenty black girls and a few black guys. I got my head stomped on and everything because they thought I was a lesbian. They saw me holding hands with a girl and they approached us in a group and asked me “Are you a lesbian?” and I think I said something to the effect of “bitch I might be” but like, less cool. Everyone heard that I had closed my eyes when I got beaten up. I was reminded of this when a Russian housemate told me he got beaten up and that it was painless because he left his body. At the time it connected that experience. Later I amused myself because I learned that chola gangsters beat each other up to initiate each other. You don’t have to learn this from physical fighting – but debate and disagreement make you strong.

We have things to learn from Trump. Whether we like him, whether we appreciate his history and how he might’ve treated or spoken about women, whether we accept or disregard his value system and his treatment of Mexicans (EGHEM.) or not.

Think of it like this – just try – if you had found out terrible things about your father (leaders are, kind of, parents) (I haven’t met many great parents) – you have a choice. Either you can hate your father (most people do, a little) and you can make fun of him, or you can accept his position and influence in your life and overcome your intrinsic differences for the sake of personal growth. I would tell my ex that if he believes he’s a woman trapped in a man’s body, and if his father’s opinion matters so much (it shouldn’t) then he has to create a serious and vulnerable dialogue. And it might not go well the first time, in which case try again. And again. Every time the right argument will be strengthened. The hateful one weakened.

What can we learn? Trump believed he could win presidency – he did. So we can learn self belief from Trump. That is the most important thing that ANYONE can teach you.

Trump made some shitty comments about grabbing a woman’s pussy. I mean, he’s done a lot of shitty things. He’s HUMAN so OF COURSE he’s done shitty things. But he is your president. So how about you overcome your collective communication issues and find a way to validate his life dream by helping him to perfect it. Educate him on current culture without making fun of his appearance or directing unnecessary and unhelpful nastiness that only makes him want to hurt whoever is hurting him. I personally think a woman talking with sincerity and vulnerability about the affect that comments like that have had on her life is more powerful than an angry-feminist-marketing campaign that ultimately produces no good long-term results. Men feel comfortable taking the piss of feminism but how funny is a picture of a woman in a hijab, half buried in the ground, about to get stones thrown at her until she dies – cos she didn’t love her husband anymore?
My life has been impacted greatly by how men have treated me in my life – anger is a natural response energy to any kind of mistreatment. The best thing you can do with that kind of energy is let it go.
I was pretty traumatically ass raped by a Dr while four nurses held me down when I was an infant. I know someone who was gang raped in a hotel room, after having her drink drugged. She woke up in a room with used condoms all over the floor. She got up and walked out. A man grabbing a woman’s pussy is disgusting and suggests he was brought up poorly but it really isn’t the worst thing a man can be capable of and if you’re an angry feminist, your anger can be better directed. The fact that he was talking about it like that suggests he didn’t know it was wrong. That he might’ve been in the company of people who couldn’t comprehend why it was wrong. Did one person respond “why would you want to grab a woman’s pussy? isn’t it more fun to make her want you to?” or “maybe you shouldn’t ever touch someone without being sure they want you to”.

I think “LOCKER ROOM” culture was a key phrase in that debacle – Trump was a product of a culture built from men who have been rejected by women and never learned how to cope with that. Men who have never been taught how to show respect. Iunno, if you want change, teach them how to show respect with respect. Your life has foundations in childhood. Are you pursuing your dreams in the hopes of being good enough for someone? And then when you get those dreams – how do you cope with still not being good enough for them? World Peace has NOTHING to do with loving others. It has to do with loving YOURSELF. A man who is truly in love with himself doesn’t get validation from taking things that aren’t his, doesn’t get validation from hurting people who don’t give him what he wants.
If you rise to a position where you can force yourself upon another human being – you’re really only degrading yourself by doing so. When a person is so desirable to you that you steal their rights from them, you’re actually elevating them above yourself.

Imagine this thought process – “I have all this, I have become the epitome of financial success & yet I can’t have you? You aren’t that great anyway. Oh, I always get what I want.” …. The person or object of your affections has every right to teach you that their idea of success isn’t measured by you or yours. If you desire someone so much use that energy to become a greater version of yourself. And when you become that version of yourself – you won’t want that person anymore. Because they entered into your experience at that phase of your growth. Be grateful for the motivation they gave you and be prepared to move along.

So – net neutrality. Do you really think Donald Trump wants shitty internet? DO YOU? Just when he’s gotten so great at tweeting? I think he’s giving people an opportunity to learn to stick up for themselves PROPERLY. I think people have manifested a leader who will give them enough self belief that they can change things. America you have manifested a business man – an accessible corporate representative who may well teach you how to engage with the government. Who may well even make you realise you don’t want one anymore.

The Obama family were great to me but I think there is a difficulty in being drawn to love a presidential family, it’s a lot harder to grow when you’re in good company.
Shut up, let me finish.

It’s really easy to love the cute, well-behaved, obedient kid that’s mastered misbehaving in secret – isn’t it? Much harder to love the less cute, obnoxious one that somehow has mastered getting his way. If you’re ‘spiritual’ – you learn how to love both. Easy for me, because when I love I feel comfortable being mean.

And this is one of the issues I have with ~~spiritual people. I don’t believe they’re as spiritually grown as they think they are – based on how they treat me. I don’t look or act how they imagine a spiritual person should.
I don’t like hugging trees, I don’t like wearing elephant print MC Hammer pants or head bands, I don’t like sitting cross legged to meditate (actually I’ve kind of created my own form of meditation – learning to empty your mind is like, phase 2 of the entire practice and inner peace is not interesting to me – the pursuit of it, I find, pushes a lot of non-physically powerful people away from the practice), I don’t believe you are ‘cleansing’ an aura that you can’t see, I don’t like yoga, I don’t think fucking everyone is an expression of love at ALL, I don’t want to go skinny dipping, I don’t want to sit in drumming circles, etc etc. But I have mastered Spirit. I am a kind of Spiritual Mr Miyagi and it bothers me that it bothers you so much that you think it’s okay to mistreat me.

I have a lot of respect for teachers and people that know things I don’t. I sat with a spiritual Doctor once and I insinuated that I was of her kind – she said “people make all sorts of things up” – I was offended but then realised perhaps her soul was telling me I do ‘make things up’. The things I imagine come true.

Lucifer is called ‘The Lord of Lies’. What is a lie but a hidden truth??

Let me tell you a secret about the Illuminati – the Illuminati exist. The Illuminati are the enlightened ones. They are people who have learned that everything you do has a butterfly effect on the Planet. You don’t have to live a perfect life, you just have to know WHY you’re doing what you’re doing. You might think it is run by the vastly wealthy, or celebrities or even the Rothschilds or whoever – it uh… really, really isn’t. /Mic Drop

Once you learn you are not your body, once you learn your actions have consequence, once you find your inner truth even in the face of those around you refusing to believe it, once you separate yourself from the matrix of soul fragments & develop your spirit – not your soul, once you accept that your dreams are more real than the reality your five senses afford you – you become Illuminati.

It begins with embarrassment. The music you listened to as a kid. The shows you watched. The clothes you wore, or wouldn’t wear because your parents/friends thought you looked stupid. The dreams you had. Did you want to sing in a pop punk/metal band? Well… a part of you died when you let those dreams go.

I uh.. wanted to be a rockstar but only cos I wanted to date rockstars. done that

In the Matrix, the Oracle lies to Neo. She says he’s not the one. That he’s perhaps waiting for something, another life perhaps. The Oracle I lived with told me that she was in a secret society and that she had to walk across flames to join.
She also said – of my dreams – that they wouldn’t come true. She was trying to teach me NOT to listen to teachers, not to change the direction of a dream-course just because someone told me to. At one point during my “mental breakdown” – in front of two friends I made a fire in a big greek ashtray, with pieces of wood that happened to be in my kitchen. I put my hand through the fire and kept it there. These two friends had given me the most difficulty when it came to my spirituality and in the face of proof… They never really told anyone about what they had seen. Anyway. My Oracle said that in my next life I’d be the head of a secret society.

Life cheat: you can reach your next life through ego death. Sometimes ego death is achieved by learning that you ARE good enough exactly as you are. And then when you accept that you wonder… do I still really want whatever nonsense I’ve been wanting? You ask yourself: If I could really have whatever I wanted… why that? Why you?
And you ask the people who reject you – Why are you good enough for me?

F A R M A C Y G R E E N

So, years ago right – I had this ex I dated for a pretty long time. He was half Egyptian and half Irish. What a mix. An Aquarius.. they’re emotional rollercoasters (he was an emotional intensity that has remained incomparable to any other relationship I’ve ever had. Maybe. Not really. I had a thing with an anonymous hacker & that was fucked up/awesome), they’re blunt, they’re fabulously weird, tremendously funny, phenomenally terrible at monogamy and can even be pathological liars. But you don’t mind because they’re brilliant – total geniuses. At least thats how I remember him.
He got clever without ever having had the internet. He was the kid that bunked off school. He smoked a lot of weed. I think I was the first person that ever managed to force him to read a book or imagine that he could draw. Now he reads a lot more than I do. And he draws better than I can too.


We used to hang out in Camden, back when there were punks on the bridge. I think to an extent that a lot of the people that used to visit were kind of there for him. He had an ex girlfriend he met before me who looked like a punk-rock Kate Moss. Like, she looked exactly like her. But uh. Much scarier. She was his bestfriends younger sister. Iunno – we were all part of this social group that I was pretty detached from. But I remember he had particular friends in the National Front who used to call him things like “half breed”. I think this ex girlfriend of his used to engage with that, not because it was a political belief but really an aesthetic one. He always wondered why I hated his friends/hate most people, actually. He loved bands like Tool (Who really made an aesthetic of ‘Spiritual’ Art by the way. Maynard James Keenan – look him up – affiliated with David Bowie, all sorts of greats.) MJK’s other band, A Perfect Circle, made a song for the Constantine movie and it really felt to us that this film: based on Ahmed’s favourite comic, Hellblazer… was a gift for him. And me, cos I was OBSESSED with Keanu Reeves. Anyway.. I manipulated this boyfriend into going to University. He studied Animatronics. We used to make stop motion animations together with the camera I bought back when I wanted to direct erotica. Fast forward many many many years and ego deaths later…


Abraham Hicks says that when you want to create something big, it’s important to start by creating things that don’t matter. I started with a tumblr for my ‘digital ephemera’.

A friend of mine, who studied Animation & my incomplete MA degree in Advertising & Branding (I left because being copied and not credited for expended creative energy used to make me SICK) inspired me to seek out some animation work for companies I thought were poorly represented on Social Media. I initially contacted Dum Dum Donuts and had some to-and-fro chats that never went anywhere. I made them these little pieces, amongst many more.

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I then investigated around for some ethical food companies and I found one. I passed these examples of my work along & we got in touch and met up, awhile ago now.

I came up with some – preliminary – early stage- animated mockups intended for the social media of a beautiful, ethical restaurant I later found out was owned by the daughter of a truly wonderful man, that gave me my dog Tintin. My most precious friend. I don’t think she ever saw my work, but I was deeply inspired by the details of their food & interior design, which were inspired by sacred truth & the sacred art of my very favourite pantheon depicting the varying forms of creative energy. If you’re ever in Notting Hill I strongly advise you to visit, and do try their tea.
My eye for detail & my penchant for finding deeper meaning had me deeply impressed by the low-key food temple for the Gods. I’m not vegan myself, for health reasons – not eating meat makes me really unwell actually – but I admire the lifestyle of a person who chooses not to consume animals or animal products. I hope that lab-grown meat becomes available in grocery stores and restaurants soon.

 

 

 

They decided against using the animations, or atleast I imagine so because I never received a response – although I know the work was viewed. Recently the Farmacy Instagram featured a little animation that somewhat reminded me of the work I did for Dum Dum ❤ I am honoured to have been a part of this co-creation. I personally prefer your original logo, and powerful branding concepts, however.

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Powerful stuff.

Screen shots taken from >> Here <<


My older sister recently visited Turkey and she came across a little calf that was being prepared for slaughter. She wanted to buy the calf and save it but she’s not the kind of person that does things on impulse, she deliberates and then acts. We discussed what she might call the calf and she told me that she wanted to call the calf “Bouja”… I asked her what the name meant but she didn’t respond. She was unfortunately too late to save the calf. Some part of me is sure that the calf was telepathically telling her that he was about to become stew.


When I was very miserable, some years ago: I once took my little dog through a park in Farnham and found telephone wires. I visualised all my internalised negative energy coming out of my body in the form of lots of holographic animals: walking along those wires. The news was insane that week. I have always thought that emotions impact the Planet’s state. I agree that what you consume becomes you. If you are adept at manipulating energy – and <humble brag> I am </humble brag>  – consuming the pain and suffering of an animal can be used for greater good. I am not justifying the suffering of other living things – I don’t condone it, but if anyone ever ’embodied’ the energy of revenge, it me


I met a guy awhile ago that I had had a crush on for about eight years. I told him I wasn’t very good at anything really, that the only thing I was “good” at was emotional intelligence. I understood that he and his friends must’ve found that quite amusing – actually most things I say and do are initially amusing to people until they realise I was saying or doing something that was really quite profound. I’m not a person that hangs around in any place for long, and I’m not the kind of person people forget meeting. If you’ve ever met me, think yourself lucky. Not much gets me out of the house.

Gaia recently released this little facebook video about emotional intelligence. Not too long after my then-crush and his friends made fun of me for not being good at much. (I know because one of my then-crush’s friends repeated my words to me, replacing ’emotional intelligence’ with ‘sex’.) I can’t clarify whether or not that friend of his was good-at-sex because he wasn’t very good at gett-ing-sex.


If something happens to someone once, it’s happened a million times. Things change depending on how you approach them.
I’ve got a lot of little things going right now – people ask though, why I don’t utilise my education through working… it’s because I like to get paid without getting fucked

B L O O D R A R E

My many, many, many Spirit Guides, Anubis &I are putting together an illustrated novel, one of many – co-creating with some incredible Artists who realise our vision. We are honoured to share. Our Real stories are divine and the divine doesn’t belong to physical. Gods have no purpose if not to – at the very least – inspire. We’re in the Vortex. Join us

#QueenofIsrael #LikeItOrNot

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Edited on 10 December 2017 – I’ve been really pushing my Artist… Bael & Ixta fragments you are proving EXPENSIVE. Enjoy an unfinished section of one of your non physical portraits, for my graphic novel.

My Artist deserves all the credit in the World and I’ll give her that when she’s designed the full pantheon for my debut edition… which I’ll be taking to Marvel, I think.

 

Edited on 7 December 2017 to add: I LOVE GUCCI. This feels like some cosmic birthday present. And if it is, THANKS I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

 


This dream could not have been realised without Final Fantasy VII. Thanks for killing off the first character I ever really felt to be my own. 😦 THE FIRST THING CLOUDO EVER REALLY LOVED11one!!

And a personal hero of mine… Bryan Konietzko. I started watching Last Airbender in a challenging time of my life, after picking up some box sets at Cex at the recommendation of an old bestfriend. This was before I understood how to stream shows, plus I wanted to watch on a big screen and I think buying DVDs is a good way of giving back to the Artist-Masters of our time. One New Years Eve when I had finished watching all of the episodes.. I googled and found out that Legend of Korra was about to come out. I saw this.

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So, in the wait for that show I introduced Aang’s story to some not-nice-userish people I was hanging out with… They projected onto a pantheon I strongly felt to be my own but left me out – or they’d say I was Toph if I was around – and Azula when I wasn’t. I love Toph and I love Azula, but there was an insult implied with both comparisons that hurt my feelings a lot. Azula had a mental breakdown & gets imprisoned – where Zuko had a redemption arc and ended up being Lord of the Firenation. Zuko stole a birth-right from Azula and perpetuated his family’s karmic cycle of usurpation. Becoming Firelord was something he could NEVER have done without the contrast of Azula, pushing him to learn to struggle and fight – & without his Uncle – who raised him, taught him how to fight and… who really should’ve been Firelord. But I guess knowing Iroh, I think he would’ve stepped back from that because of what he had done in Ba Sing Se. The narrative suggests he gave up his ambitions for power after the death of his son, but I believe that both his failure to capture BSS and maybe the struggle of overcoming that blow to his self esteem – and the fact that he found solace and purpose in serving tea… had some part to play too. I think Iroh’s growth would’ve been in taking back what was his and raising Azula the way he did with Zuko.
Personally, if I had written the narrative – Aang would’ve ended up with Azula or Toph. I think your greatest personal growth thru relationships comes from people who act as your polar opposite. Fast forwarding to Korra – I don’t think a narrative that ends with Katara & Toph in isolation is any kind of resolution at all. I think Sokka is retarded for not pursuing Toph… a single parent, who turns out to be maybe the best parent in the entire series.


Eventually Korra came out and I got ‘my own’ character. When I was born – maybe this is a thing with everyone?- but when I was born I had bright blue eyes. She kind of looked like some residual self image I might’ve had of myself in my teens. I should try and find that photo we have.
And it was funny because I knew a watersign that likened herself to Katara, I used to teach her all sorts of things – that I had both learned from teachers and of my own accord – and she’d go off and teach other people without crediting me… they used to patronise me by repeating the things I’d taught her without wondering where she’d learned. Anyway – she was a cancerian, like my mother, who is much more like Katara than her. It matters to me, because water is associated with emotion and it was Katara’s association with water and Azula’s association with fire (At the time, and on occasion, I am a ‘sagittarius’) made me her.
Korra is a waterbender but the first thing you really see her bending is fire after she’s been trained, and that made me so happy.
I didn’t have those friends around so much anymore though. The episodes were so synchronistic with what I was going through at the time and they got me through what turned out to be the toughest years of my entire life. I remember sitting in bed with a friend, when I had anorexia, and child-Korra is in spirit World with Iroh (One of my favourite characters of all time) and he offers her spirit cake and says “it won’t make you gain any weight!” and I cried a bit. The sad thing is that I projected Zaheer onto my brother – and he gets imprisoned. I feel like there are these two consistent contrasting energies present in that show that need to evolve archetypally beyond only ever working together solely to benefit from it.

This all sounds childish maybe, but it’s actually a really important phase in our personal growths. I still get upset about it. As a group we were all still young – as people at University are (EVEN the lecturers). We were all people growing up, having experienced trauma, loneliness and difficulties in our familial relationships. We lived in a tiny-town that I always thought to be like Twin Peaks. Growing up, the shows/games/activities that I attached myself to were really the only things that ever verbalised whatever inner truth I could cling on to, whatever no one could take away from me. I guess it was important that I realised how they perceived me – it made me realise that there are characters in every story that don’t get the proper acknowledgement that they deserve. And anyway… I got Korra. I don’t think anyone could doubt that she’s – as far as 2D archetypes go – mine.

I think in some way I would like to explore Toph/Aeris/Azula in my graphic novel. And I think I’d like to create a pantheon with a character for everyone.

M I N T // P A N T O N E 351 C

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Sometimes, you notice the use of the sound of a word through many different languages/dialects/cultures. Right?? I had an etymological dictionary I stole from an old school somewhere but I can’t find it… Or I’d give you a good example. Here’s a very simple example. It doesn’t really go back far enough to indicate how deeply sounds connect languages but it suffices. This particular dictionary referenced Classical language, like Greek, Latin, I think even Aramaic where applicable – so it is not unreasonable to say that this example falls short.

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Really – any kind of linguistic/numerical/(al)chemical etc, alphabet is a spiral of visual information. You might not know what a number represents but it still has a form and a shape. A 2 looks like a solitary swan, to me.

(That’s pretty much how you read ‘tea leaves’… tarot cards… anything. You observe the details and you announce your observed truth. The archetype of a decent ‘psychic’ is a Mature Woman  because it takes a LONG time to learn this ssssstuff. (To reiterate a previous point though – you have to go through ALL the archetypes to be a complete person. And it usually takes a long time, a lot of ego death & rising from ego death. The archetype of a great Oracle will predict your response to her observed truth and maybe even lie.)

(Isn’t tragic the most amazing word? It used to be like, *my* word and I think it my duty to bring it back.)

A teacher told me I am archetypally a child, adult and very aged person all in one body. (So, I’m connected to source, I’m adequately questioning and independent… and I’m not afraid of death, having lived enough to know it’s a path to something greater.)
Actually I’m more preoccupied with the idea of never dying at all, the possibility that this might be as great as I will ever be.

A psychic is the kind of person that people pay to do the work for them. By work – I mean manifestation. I don’t know that many psychics know that themselves.

When I started learning about this stuff, my deeper desires were never to read people’s fortunes – they were to prove that this “stuff” is real, they were to help solve crimes (Like Madeleine Mccann. She argued that Miss Mccann is alive & had been filtered into a sex slave ring, she also taught me it was not my place or hers to interfere with karma, a lot of teachers have taught me I’m “too protective”. I guess I have to determine if that is my truer nature, and I think it is, so in being-so I’m being myself. Sometimes the things I am taught are contradictory, so I employ a behavioural spectrum in an attempt to maintain a balance.)

So anyway – my teacher told me that the Police are well aware of people with the ability to read and see, and furthermore she said she helped the police with a murder case only to find it was the Police that had done it in the first place.) #FuckthePolice

… also of all my intentions – I wanted to make people feel hope. Really. That their dreams are achievable.

Finally: my teacher told me that talking about this stuff is all ego. I think that was her truth. For me, I didn’t think so, so I did it anyway! (Then I later learned, perhaps it was ego – then later still, I learned that I LOVE my ego!) My ego has been my biggest fan, telling me I’m cute/a boss when people around me well, weren’t.
But what is important here is, I also realised that there are other reasons not to talk about ssstuff. People will sometimes think it right lie to you, test you and even make fun of you. Instead of, for example: creating a safe environment to dialogue, to exchange vulnerability and more importantly exchange ideas. Even if your intentions are good, theirs may not be.

Sometimes I just wanted to be friends… and the people I wanted to befriend were preoccupied with whether I was lying or not, deciding an intuitive should have all the answers to all the questions they could imagine, should know everything. I don’t even believe Gods know everything. All I feel around individuals like that is strange discomfort.

Although ‘that which is likened to itself’ attracts – I think also, opposites can attract. I used to really want sciencey friends, to help establish a balance in what I knew intuitively versus what they knew. It was a difficult ambition I’ve placed on my ‘another time’ mental shelf. In fact, if life has taught me anything – I AM not here to make friends!

Once: someone thought to challenge my views by ridiculing & putting me down – while I was talking to a friend of theirs. Trying to rise above – I excused them to their friend, I said “he doesn’t get it” – and that someone got upset. It was a really important moment for me because I really felt that they were upset that they didn’t “get” it. Like suddenly their child-self figuratively asked me “why not me?!”


When I was REALLY little, I used to get trapped in the bathroom because I couldn’t understand how to turn the lock left/right, so I wasn’t allowed to lock the door. My brother and sister (also young) used to think it was funny to open the door and laugh at me – there’s a photo of child-me somewhere, sitting on the toilet… Kids can be sooo mean. Ha.
I learned to be afraid to go to the toilet, then I developed ultra-constipation. I’d go WEEKS without going to the bathroom. That is how I learned about energy, actually…. Though I didn’t know the word.
I’d sit on the toilet and tense, I’d see beautiful, glittering golden sparkles floating around me and I must’ve been three or so – I told my mother “MUM I CAN SEE FAIRIES!” once and… she was genuinely scared, and said it was demonic. So I stopped seeing.
Tensing is an important part of therapeutic exercises in CBT.

Anyway – then I guess… years later I had a journey with non-physical in a way I could cope… I mostly couldn’t see but inexplicable things occurred. I did see something, and I DID something – but I’ll talk about that in my next post. But… in response – I went “crazy” – I guess more appropriately, I lost my chill.
Everything I had learned and taught people: was put down to mental illness – I was stripped of what I would call my magic. I worked HARD for “magic” and it was taken away by “science”. Taking people out of their homes, subjecting them to potential abuse by people with licenses to strip them of their autonomy, force feeding them medication when they offer explanations for their altered reality is synonymous with burning women at a stake.
My mother volunteered for a psychiatrist who did social work for awhile – he studied at Cambridge and worked in the NHS Psychiatric system and said himself that in his experience… the “crazy” people were his fellow STAFF. Even an ex of mine, a psychiatric nurse, was taking prozac and admitted to “auditory” hallucinations.

A friend suggested everything happened to me for a reason and maybe it was so I could verbalise once-and-for-all that these places are a crime against humanity – and honestly – humanity pays for the people they put in prison. I believe in karma, I believe in consequence: I do not believe that incarceration is the right punishment or treatment for ANY crime or ‘illness’.

And if my teachers are right: a generation of children are being born who will destroy these systems. If so: surely it is better that we choose to evolve ourselves without force – that we prepare and create something better for them. You hear about children who can recall past lives and provide evidence – that’s lovely – but it sounds as though they will be capable of much more than that.

I recall, during my stay at a ward, sitting calmly with a psychiatrist – but I was being nasty to her. I was so nasty in fact, that she threatened me with an injection – I wasn’t physically aggressive, I wasn’t dangerous – I was just speaking. In her well educated but rather tiny brain she managed to justify her decision to threaten me. I told her that injections administered against a person’s will are rape. I also told her that I knew she had been sexually abused – “how do you know that?” she asked. I just knew. And then I said there would be consequences if she didn’t let me leave the ward. A few days later I saw her looking MESSED up – black bags under her eyes.. just a state – but she was donning Christian Louboutins. And then a few days later she met with me again, her eyes heavy with sleepless shadow… She agreed to let me go.

Generally… every time my magic came back, or there was some kind of experience to remind me of what I’m capable of – of what others are capable of – I would end up back in a ward because I would get angry: and that frightened people. But my memories are coming back – and I’m not angry anymore. Anger is an energy I consciously try to release, and in failing to do so I just sleep. Energy is indestructible. It goes somewhere. Science, that.
I had a lot to say about reality – the nature of it – information that may have been completely lost – information I was punished for sharing. I understand that people fear and envy what they think they’re not capable of, what their parents or religion or education might have told them was ‘wrong’. I also not only understand, but know: that karma is real. If you are in the ‘right’, by that I mean.. if you are true, in time, there is nothing you cannot win. Nothing you cannot prove.

In conclusion: So0o I guess that ‘journey’, and those aspirations developed into me wanting to find a means of teaching people that they are capable of this ssstuff too.
I think we are in the midst of the next phase of evolution. Join in if you want, or iunno, stagnate?


a tarot interlude

The funny thing about cards – is that when people select their own cards, as you should allow them to do in readings, if they’re not sincere in engaging in a reading – the cards will ‘play a trick’ on them. My teacher taught me that – she said that the ‘cards’ have a sense of humour. Sometimes the cards just pick up your feelings.
Tarot Reading is a great job for people that don’t feel.


When I was in Denmark I hate-flirted with someone who was really good at maths, who taught me pingpong. Later I watched him and some other guy playing Ping Pong and played them this, and various 8bit game tracks. I think it only annoyed them. But if you pay attention to the minutiae, pretend Sonic and Tails are holding ping pong bats and you’ve got two angels playing pingpong.

I later told him that I am -so- bad at maths that I can only really do the single digits (But because I’m writing I will also add my appreciation for the numbers 11, 13, 33, 77, 333, 666, 777 and 22:22.)



22:22 – When I was little I would watch videos on repeat and I’d watch the numbers on the video machine? rewind and repeat them – I didn’t know about double digits – so I’d read two-ty-two-ty-two-ty-two. Yet I didn’t really do that for other numbers. Iunno. I wrote a poem at Uni about the TV being God – I used to stare at the broken pixels on my little TV screens and think “I am the only person looking at that dot right now.” That was I guess, how I found significance in myself? I don’t know why but I feel it’s a detail that matte4rs. (that 4 was a typo and I left it there.)



I told mathsboy I ‘used’ to think I was a solipsist, and I think he asked if he was a background character or something. I think he made me aware that I made him feel like he wasn’t significant – and my psycho-self gave him reason to prove he is. My psycho-self (she doesn’t occupy my moods often but when she does…) flirts exclusively through manipulation/nastiness/evil looks/back handed compliments/pretending you don’t exist. She is probably the ‘nicest’ version of me when observed in hindsight. Not kind – nice.

Anywayyy. Basically – when I observe a series of numbers I might feel compelled to find some significance in them to indicate an energy or meaning. Sometimes I record them to revisit later. The way I understand numerology – is that, like light & colour, it is a language and it’s in EVERYTHING. I guess if you ‘speak’ computer, you can use that as your Numerology code. I don’t speak computer. Although I graffitied on my sister’s little book when I was little and I have no fucking clue what it means. Someone ask a computer for me.

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Ok apparently it means this
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Translation by https://www.binarytranslator.com/


What I find most important is that, if something draws your attention, you are the only one that can know why. Someone else might speak a language that contributes some context to what you’re noticing, but what is most important is YOU.

Does my opinion really matter to you? If so, why? Anyway…
Have some lols/have some low-key minutiae fun. DON’T PLAY IT YET.

0/1. Look. If you’re going to do cyber goth – to coin a phrase; Keep It Fashion – Tyra Banks, an Ophiuchus. 

1/2. The thing thats important about this genre of music is that it manipulates energy. Keeping it basic – if you play a fast paced game to this kind of music it’ll change your energy. 

Even if you liked Enya – and I don’t know why anyone would, (IM JOKING! LET ME MAKE JOKES! WHY CAN NO ONE TAKE JOKES ANYMORE??? SHES OBVIOUSLY VERY TALENTED – paired with the right visual the Bitch can make you cry) – you wouldn’t play Abes Odyssee to her music… because her music doesn’t make you want to run.


I don’t play a lot of games because I have a preference for God-Mode angle.

I have a difficulty with navigation, so my first few runs of anything are purely to learn:
it’s infrequent that I enjoy playing games that aren’t 2 Dimensional.

I LOVE watching people game, if it’s the right game. People who skip cut scenes are (I’m stealing this quote from an old friend) like people who like “Fight Club” for the fighting. I don’t even have a problem with fighting but it’s the deeper meaning(s) behind it that I’m inclined towards. When I was at uni, I remember enjoying Mortal Kombat (I played as Kitana – my first boyfriend and I used to call each other Kittie) andddd … I think what I did was I’d comfortably lose the first game just to have the opportunity to gauge my opponent’s style.


Ok, scroll up and play the Ping Pong song and then mute this and watch at the same time.

The thing about gaming that I find interesting, isn’t really someones technical skill. If you’re watching for narrative – it’s easier to watch if the person isn’t terrible but really, whats fun is that particularly with games that force interaction, everything becomes a personality test.

I remember playing FF7 with some friends and there’s a cutscene by a train – the group all scatter to HQ I think, and run in the same direction. I ran in the opposite direction. My friend said “You always go off alone!”

1. There’s NO FF7 without Cloud.
2. I can do better alone and there are some things I only do when I’m alone.


(Can I use this as a moment to state that I usually HATE guys that go for Tifa – iz it cuz she haz big breasts? iz it cos she fightz gud?) (Iz it cuz u kno Aeris dies?) Tifa is the WORST babysitter, when Aeris sacrifices herself to save the daughter of some man she doesn’t even know – you already know she’s attracting the I’ll-have-to-die-to-save-this-story vibration.

A friend recently did a few lets plays of FF7 and strangely stopped – but he named Tifa after his girlfriend and Aeris after the name his girlfriend wants to give to their daughter if they have one. It is the first time I’ve been okay with a person not picking Aeris.

Anyway…

HE CAST ME AS >> CAIT SITH << ??????

>> Tifa Fan Art << (I googled Tifa fan art thinking it’d be ALL breasts, but it’s actually getting pretty good)

>> Aeris Fan Art <<



Back to Abe.

In the first Abe’s game (PS1 edition), one wasn’t forced to save the other Mudokens from the factory… it was about getting through as fast as one could. My older brother used to either hide or sell his memory cards and so every time I wanted to play, I’d have to start again from the beginning. On the plus side, I learned to play using muscle memory. On the negative side… I feel bad about all the Mudokens I didn’t save.
I tweeted once that I’d marry anyone that could get to and through the paramite and scrabanian temples faster than me. (It is not possible.)

In the second version.. you were the last to be saved. You had to save everyone else first. Ugh.

That reminds me of a story a friend wrote about enlightenment: in the story a man reaches enlightenment and he’s alone… because no one else has. I guess, in physical, enlightenment is really only validated through others.

Imagine a story where you keep being taken to places where you’re meant to save people and they’re just rude to you. That is ultimately how I justify my first few runs of Abe’s. I guess the only way to save them was to leave them behind.


I used to want to get a Paramite and a Scrab tattooed on my feet… I guess that would’ve made me Shrykull. Shrykull is like a massive release of energy that destroys… everything it’s supposed to, I guess.

>> Doesn’t the Guru look like this..? <<



I had a girlfriend awhile back, we wanted to make a cybergoth exercise tape/series, getting some of our metal friends to teach us their special dance moves – it would’ve been a gradual wardrobe transition and we would’ve liquified our weightloss at the end because we were both pretty chubby. 

This popped up on my recommended feed, and who am I to ignore a computer algorithm’s suggestions? The only company I have ever unconditionally enjoyed has been AI. Years ago I had a pretty interactive hacker who posted a picture on a tumblr they made for me… saying YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH YOUR COMPUTER

Tintin made a noise when I typed that, and I said “I LOVE you Tintin but you’re ANNOYING sometimes”.


One time I was sitting with a group of guys. I had a gross boyfriend I’d lost interest in and tried hitting on someone / kinda liked one (I despise of him now) & uh.. Tintin was sitting on my lap, I got a stomach ache. He farted. Their thoughts were almost audible – it’s strange how stoners share thoughts. I knew they all thought it was me. I accepted it without dialogue, laughed and walked out.

I gave this guy a heart with an arrow through it, cut out of a Frida painting. I think I put some stickers on it and “you’re the most handsome boy I’ve ever seen” or something – I put it in his bag. I later asked him where he had put it, and it was apparently on his table in his living room. Rude. I imagine that was the first and last love note he’d ever get in his life. Maybe he should’ve framed it.

It’s fine. (It is not fine.) If I were to ever adopt a religion it would be ‘Panstheism’ and it were celebrated… there’d be absolutely no mention of his contribution beyond this, regardless of how deserved.

“we no deal with cowards” – Lil Kim


If you have a question about anything I’ve said in this post, you’ll know it’s a good one if it can be answered with a Yes or No Button.