“I want to believe in Change but the 90s was the last time I could afford anything with it”

IS PROBABLY THE BEST LINE and delivery IN ANYTHING EVER, IN A MILLION YEARS – apart from “IS THERE NO ONE ELSE???” by Brad Pitt as Achilles and “EITHER I OR THOU OR BOTH MUST GO WITH HIM” by Leo as Romeo (me when I’m not Tybalt, Prince of Cats) and “She pissed on me” by Ragnar by Trimmel Faggis and also “They are jaelouse and they are envious” by Joseph Fiennes as Robert in Elizabeth

oh and “My bitches wear my collars!” – Cate/Queen B as Elizabeth

And a good 30% of Superbad “no one gets laid in cargoshorts” COS THEY LEGIT DO

Also – borrowed from IMDB

Nacho: There is no place for me in this world. I don’t belong out there, and I don’t belong in here. So I’m going out into the Wilderness. Probably, to die.

Chancho: Well, you might need this

[Gives Nacho the sword]

Chancho: My mother gave it to me before she died. It was her lucky machete. You can have it.

>> The Art of Change << by Richard Dixon Wheatley

There is an ever consistent compulsion in me that urges me to delete the things I’ve written and I refuse to do so. It’s just a continued cycle – when I was younger I’d start writing about my life and something would make me feel like it had to be disposed of. I’d start writing my life story in some episodal depression and then days later everything would feel “okay” again and I’d forget what I’d written and it’d disappear. Or I’d be sitting in the art room doing art and something would make me feel insecure and I’d throw the work away. So I do refuse to delete my sUpEr WeIrD journal. There’s no one else authoring anything like this, this is all I’ve really got.

I got a call about my Law A Level today. It’s an inexpensive qualification – like, it’s payable in increments – so if anyone is thinking about picking up some new skills in life I’d strongly recommend that they consider studying. I’ll be learning remotely – which means I could technically travel anywhere while I do the A Level. Anyway so

I was sitting in the new kitchen absolutely fucking desperate to go to the bathroom while I was on the phone. Like I was doing the most insane wiggle dance, sitting on the chair. Y’know those Egyptian dance hands? If you do those you can hold ANYTHING in, tensing in particular ways helps you to control energy. And iunno about you – but when I had my exorcism-esque-alien-asphyxiation-sex experience it was through tensing that I managed to orgasm without being penetrated.
If a guy tells you that you’re doing sex wrong (he’s been watching too much porn and has probably never, ever made a woman orgasm) and that you should be bouncing up and down and all over the place, I think you should ask them to explain to you in detail how your own body works, clarify that you obviously don’t know. I guess to some extent it depends what you want out of the sex TBH

I prefer the stuff that happens before, personally

Oh god I just had another flashback of a guy trying to shove his weird, bloaty and at times somewhat limp penis into me and then telling me my vagina was “just a hole”. (Lets just call it a “lazy penis”)

Why are girls so polite about mens penises? They are NEVER pretty to look at. It’s okay – my vaginas not the cutest but it’s functional and I don’t think it’s as easy for anyone to orgasm as it is for me, save people who have some kind of sexual dysfunction. And thats great – because when you can orgasm, that means you’re super sensitive and don’t really want to have the kind of sex that lasts for hours. (Men who think sex is supposed to last for hours are probably a blessing to women that can’t orgasm – I did experience that when I was on medication I should never have been put on.)

Okay so check this out – a few posts ago there’s a photograph of me with a load of fake blood on my leg. When I did that, some of the fake blood dropped on a postcard. I picked up the postcard, and rubbed it on my leg. You can’t see it in detail here but by some coincidence I got a perfect profile portrait of a baphomet. It has eyes and a mouth. You don’t have to believe me that it literally happened by me trying to rub the fake blood off my postcard, but das the truth. It’s actually really funny – I see these two women kind of insanely depressed about man troubles and the poor Baphomet is just sitting there staring into space, perhaps quite unable to fathom the extent of the stupidity that is innate to the human race.

Ages ago I rewrote the Earth creationist story, someone joked about it as being “Lucifer fanfiction” but my spirit guide told me that it was the closest humanity had ever been to the truth about how the Planet happened. If you could see this Baphomet upclose you’d be really weirded out about how perfectly positioned it is, how perfect the details in the Baphomets face are. How expressive the face is.

It’s probably the most valuable art work on the Planet right now. The most valuable item being the stone that carries the fetus that was removed from my body – without blood or pain – which was stolen from me. Like many of my valuables have been. I’d scan this in but I’ve got it framed. I might do an exhibition on religious art but I’d only bother for a serious deal. Which philosopher said that we killed God? Did they not realise how cyclical human behaviour is? For me – I see the phases of humanitys thought evolve plainly. We realise God and Lucifer are real. We realise that God and Lucifer are aliens with many bodies throughout the Universe, etc. We realise that whether we like it or not – whether those in power or not choose to accept it – diamond shaped hierarchies of power exist and have nothing to do with cash, fame…… facebook likes… twitter followers etc.


This is a photograph taken of an excerpt from “The Whole Woman” by Germaine Greer. A book I bought in a charity shoppe some time in my teens. When I lived in Farnham I went to see Germaine Greer and I arrived late – and she quietly noticed me with some deep irritation, as I moved towards my seat. At the end she asked if we had any questions and at the time – my troubles with girls gave me the perfect inspiration for a question. It was to some extent about how feminism can progress when there is so much bitchiness between women. It felt like she knew my question, and she chose to ignore my raised hand. Well, I was late for her seminar so I suppose that was fair.

I read a page in the book – really I’ve mostly flipped through. And it’s really strange – upon flipping through I got to the perfect page to answer my question – feminism can only really progress “when sisterhood stops being a fantasy.”

Anyway so one time me and that mediocre dude I was dating (NOTHING on Kitty) were in the flat and THIS SONG came on

I have to stress here, and I’m sure you knew – I wasn’t interested in him, I had just lost everything and everyone in my life and I couldn’t cope with another loss. But it was relevant wasn’t it? Take allll the men, Jolene, thats what your good looks are for. Actually I think the fact that a woman like Dolly Parton could ever sing a song like this is really quite sad.
If I wasn’t so lazy I’d cut over it with “TAKE HIM PLEASE TAKE HIM. TAKE HIM”
Being single means I’m happy with my husky voice, happy with my weight, happy with my mess, happy with who I am as a person, happy to do whatever I want without a person making me feel less for it. Every dream and any self esteem I’ve ever had was robbed of me by some mediocre guy.

It would be easy to blame men for pitting women against each other, I certainly think they’re responsible for that tendency in some part. Making women afraid of being alone, making women feel insecure, making women feel like they can’t do better etc. D’yu know that if they didn’t bother trying to massage their egos and maintain their sense of security by controlling women in that way, there’d probably be a lot more men happily in relationships with more than one woman. And the women would probably be into each other because women who love themselves love other women. Most female to female relationships are actually pretty erotic to observe but not even remotely sexual.

Girls exchange naked photographs and get undressed and swap clothes with one another like it is nothing. Do you know, that all sort of stops when men enter the equation? When men start quietly making them compete with one another?

There’s a girl I don’t speak to anymore who has the black and white version of this underwear, which on some blog some place I referred to as “poor woman’s Missoni”. One time I was having a shower in one of my old homes in Surrey, and she and some other girls casually strolled into the bathroom and sat with me while I held a hot shower-head to my stomach because I was experiencing excruciating period cramps. It was all super chill, nothing like the stuff you might see in girl to girl action in pornography.

Whats really funny – and what I had never mentioned to that girl – was that years ago, back in the myspace era LONG before University – she had been flirting with my ex-boyfriend online. The one I’d been with for almost four years.
I knew because I’d been logging into his messages and reading their exchanges. Obv. Anyone who knows me or has ever known me, knows I am inclined towards this kind of behaviour – and that even if someone is outright cheat-flirting on me I probably won’t even respond to it or care all that much.
If she sees this I’m sure at this point she’d laugh – (he did when I told him this story) she sent him a message while he was in the toilet and his phone was beside me. It was one of those old nokias. He was quite sly and seldom sentimental, so he’d delete messages  from girls (which they often were) (knowing I was the kind of person to snoop through his phone if he left it unattended) and she was the first girl, after my sister – that had made me genuinely feel any kind of jealousy. Actually growing up with a pretty sister who got EVERYTHING she wanted (I’m not just saying that – I mean it.) – who people fell in love with upon first sight – meant that later in life I would have a tolerance to jealousy that is not dissimilar to the one you might get when you repeatedly do a certain drug and have to use more and more in order to feel anything. But this girl really triggered unknown capacities for jealousy in me. And whether it was online friends, friends in real life, or my boyfriend – they all in some way picked her over me.

It’s weird because she was some kind of strange soulmate karma that would repeatedly enter my life – my first long term relationship via myspace and my second long term relationship, where I was actually cohabiting with the loser.
She is way hotter than me, and sweeter, and sluttier – and basically everything guys look for. She looks good in everything and has prettier eyes than me. Blahblah.

What is weirder is that after I went through the myspace message exchanges between that ex (I called him Kitty, he called me Kittie – the nicknames came about after an argument in Camden when he and I were walking to some weird place that friendgroup hung out with. He had an emotional outburst because he had wanted me to come to his house and I didn’t. I was so flattered by his outburst that out of nowhere I exclaimed “OH KITTY” with a sad face.) I went to draw a picture to distract myself from this new girl (I’d only just gotten over the fact that he’d cheated on me with a cybergoth who called herself Daisy – who was not hot… but very …cool?) and then when I finished the picture I realised I had drawn the pretty girl messaging my then-boyfriend.

I thought she was a lot hotter than him.


My room is such a mess. But it looks perfect in the sunlight.


I really learned to resent this girl but I remembered something – one time I read cards for her and the stuff I’d said would happen to her all happened. Someone was making fun of me for being interested in Tarot and she said quite bluntly that regardless of their opinions of Tarot, which she had apparently formerly shared – my reading for her had turned out to be accurate.

It was nice that someone would believe in me, even if our friendship didn’t work out.

It would’ve been nice if the two guys that saw me make a fire and put my hand in it, and keep my hand in it for an extended period of time might’ve done the same thing.

It’s weird because I got called crazy and yet for all the witnesses I had for every inexplicable thing – none of them ever kind of discussed in unison the fact that I had done impossible things. But she came closest to doing so and that was nice of her.

Trent Fimmel has lots of Easter Eggs in Vikings and World of Warcraft for that girl and I think she’d enjoy watching a lot.

“All you can do is teach people to comfortably be themselves”
Wayne Dyer

Soften your glare, settle your dust: this is the primal identity. be like the tao – it can’t be approached or withdrawn from, benefitted or harmed. honoured or brought into disgrace. it gives itself up continually – that is why it endures

the more prohibitions you have, the less virtuous people will be. the more weapons you have, the less secure people will be. the more subsidies you have the less self reliant people will be. therefore the master says: I let go of the Law and people become honest. I let go of economics and people become prosperous. I let go of religion and people become serene. I let go of all desire for the common good, and the good becomes common as grass

Lao Tzu

I mean mostly I feel “fuck the tao” but there are some good bits

So I’m listening to the Tao for the first time. In sixth form an art teacher called Luanne told me that Winnie the Pooh was based on Taoist philosophy. There’s a CGI movie coming out soon about a grown up Christopher Robin and I’m excited about it. So it’s nice how this ties in.

Years ago I told a guy “I don’t really have any morals” and he said “wotz happened 2 ur morals?” – a lot of people have kind of held me to a good/bad standard of thinking, often judging me as being not-good… and those people often ended up being some of the most foul and terrible people I had ever encountered. For one reason or another.

I once held up a Spirited Away DVD to my teacher Lisa, and asked if the-then little boy – Joshua – that she was babysitting might enjoy it. I said “it’s quite spiritual and theres no concept of good or bad” – years ago following a break up from a nigh on four year relationship I slept for a long time. Then I met someone else and he was fun for a little while but actually a revelation of sorts about the extent of cruelty you can be afforded by someone that says the words “I love you”. So I guess I’d have said to the person that asked me “Whats happened to your morals?” I’d say I transcended them. Which is perhaps a little petty but it’s my current personal truth. When you can fall asleep in a bad mood and wake up to find out there’s been a Planetary tragedy – you kind of accept that if somehow you’ve consistently throughout lives had to become a person who let go of hurts, that that karma returns to the planet whether you like it or not.

I applied to do an A Level in law and I haven’t heard back from the site. So I think this is all deeply important thinking on my part. I’ve been thinking on this for awhile – one time Wendy Williams said as I was thinking about it “If you’re going to study law – you don’t become a lawyer you  aim for Judge”. My Great Grandfather was a judge and when he decided the Jews deserved Israel post WW2 – he said “Everyone deserves a home”. Iunno – if you keep those one liner truths basic theres probably a lot of room for interpretation but ultimately those one liner truths sink into your subconscious and you learn through your own experience whether you find them accurate or not.

It’s also – the Tao – nice listening for me, as someone whose been a victim of both police and institutional brutality – which was in truth – no where near as bad as the shit people I thought of as family and friends did to me. Like – what would be the appropriate punishment for people who hadn’t been brought up to experience karmic magnitude?

Also I’m in a “bad” mood. Which means I’m thinking of everyone I’ve ever learned to dislike.

I’m more of a Sun Tzu who authored “The Art of War” person than a Lao Tzu person and its amusing to me – because I heard a fetus say once – AUDIBLY, and in a girl’s voice – “I’m a little sun drop”. At University a lecturer and I once sat in his office and he told me that the way I communicated was wrong. I said “IM NOT WRONG THOUGH” and he said “no you’re not, but the way you COMMUNICATE is wrong”. He told me to read “The Art of War”. I didn’t read the whole thing, I instinctively selected a few pages and those I believe have submerged into the deepest recesses of my consciousness and that is fine by me.

Although I do have a fantastic memory of one of the only people who ever gave me any of their time – who actually bought me a copy of that book – and read it in an “AZN” (it didn’t sound like any Engrish accent I have ever heard, dw) accent and that was quite nice, because at the time I was going through a lot of shit and it made me laugh. A lot.

I know my future sons name is Levi so it’s kind of nice to pretend that I’ll be hanging out with Sun Tzu and Lao Tzu.

I enjoy conflicting personalities – because it is through conflict that people grow, develop, evolve and better realise themselves.

Cos y’know, Palestinians believe themselves to be Arabs often… and I think Arabs have treated Palestinians worse than Israelis have. There’s no pretence from the Israelis, but from the Arabs there’s a whole lot of scape-goat nonsense. There are many Arab women who could afford to sacrifice a shopping spree in London or two to erect a decent few houses in Palestine.

Do you see where I’m going with this? Or do you not?

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I’ve wanted to publish/print a hardback book since I was a child so I’m in a fantastic mood this evening.

This is a strictly one off coffee table book art piece (collection of art pieces) that I’ll be hand writing in – and selling? Maybe. I would probably charge thousands for it, quite happy for it not to sell – and even then, I probably wouldn’t sell it to just anyone.
It’s non-physical sex meets art meets religion and it’s got everything from period bloody clitoris + asshole to uh. Other untold secrets. Of which there are so many.

There’s a hot chocolate that is essentially a cold chocolate milk beside my bed and I am about to roll a cigarette, buy a PS2 and then write a tonne of notes to accompany some designs that I think are gonna be turned into garments for kids, which will be a really, really nice addition to my portfolio.

This might not seem like a big deal to people who’ve achieved everything they’ve ever dreamt of – but to people like me, quiet perfectionists who have quit – literally almost fucking everything – who have trashed pieces of art/writing/anything that they couldn’t finish because they had the kind of unbearable insecurity that led to the mistaken thinking that something that was incomplete was flawed, putting together a collection of work and knowing it’s good… is some kind of bizarre milestone that has very little to do with actually making a book.

This year I’ve realised I’m a medium, that I have spirit guides, I’ve come to terms with and realised truths that no scientists could explain and mustered the capacity to cause them to be proven, I’ve not spent days upon days asleep – I’ve proven (to myself) that there is actually… no such thing as addiction, depression, anxiety or even schizophrenia. (I know thats a really uncomfortable thing for a person whose been “addicted” to heroin to read – and I imagine it’s a truth you could only accept in hindsight and once you were out of that place – but I have what might be considered “addictive tendencies” and a family history of every kind of fucking “mental illness” ever – I grew up with “addiction” in my karma – smokers/drinkers/a maternal grandfather who popped valium every night etc)
Disclaimer of sorts – the confidence to say these things comes from a lot of work on myself and through personal development with spiritual teachers – and I could never have done it “alone” – although I was alone physically. And if you’ve somehow come across this as an actual addict of some kind/mentally ill person of some kind… I’d highly recommend listening to Abraham Hicks. Even if you’re super high. Actually – ESPECIALLY if you’re super high.
If you don’t listen to Abraham Hicks – you really should. A year or so of listening to the collective as channelled by Mrs E. Hicks on youtube has completely changed my life – and done for me what years and years of psychiatry and terrible and unnecessary medication, counselling and even psychotherapy and all sorts of ridiculous CBTesque shit couldn’t.

I’m listening to a lets-play and the gamer just said “I definitely should not be alive right now”, ha. If I had done things differently perhaps that might’ve been the case for me.  (Is this an appropriate time to ask if you believe in vampires???)


In other way-less hot news I’ve got heat rash from the fantastic sun and the only thing that helps is that hemp hand-cream from the bodyshop. They’ve changed the packaging – it used to be a pretty green and metallic thing and now it’s a fabulous mix of colours. I CAN ONLY HOPE THE RECIPE IS THE SAME. It’s also really good for other stuff. Hemp is good for EVERYTHING.

I know people say this – but I can quit anytime I want. I ENJOY MYSELF.


It’s just a cigarette dude, chill

Today a family member said in the kitchen that when I get married they don’t want me and my husband at the house everyday. I said “IF I’m getting married I’m marrying atleast two men. Like if I’m gonna do it I’m gonna go all out” and my mother was like “it’s illegal.” and I said “I’m sure there are some countries where it’s legal” Or maybe we can buy our own country or something. We’d have a huge place with individual locked apartments and if we hung out in bed we’d all wear yeti hazmat suits and not touch or generally otherwise make eye contact and we’d watch cartoons (and Theo/Seth speaks/Abraham Hicks videos) all night. We’d have the most incredibly beautiful french maids pottering around and donning designer uniforms (a different outfit everyday) and doing ALL the housework/farmwork and they absolutely would not be allowed to speak to or befriend me or whoever I decided to marry. Like they’d be fired for it, on the spot.

The kind of stuff that I could prove, if I was on reality TV is insane btw. I could probably only really do reality TV on a porn channel though because I like looking at my breasts in the mirror and working out how I’d look if I had a fat transfer at least a hundred times a day

This is me looking in the mirror in one of those bras people wear after having a breast augmentation, that don’t have an underwire. I would probably never have breast augmentation even though one of my nipples is bigger than the other. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you why, so I won’t. Maybe in a year or two as the collective consciousness continues to shift.

I really, really rarely like jewellery so I decided I should probably buy more nice earrings when I find ones I like. This is an earring for Sexy man. My 2 crushes have an earring each and I have zero dragon earrings. 😥


I uh. Go through crushes like it’s nothing but I have a crush that I’ve crushed on for about two years and not really considered until like last month. We’ve never met but would you believe me if I told you that doesn’t mean anything? LOOKING AT U RAYGAR

And I’ve decided they’re a 12 without really caring about their birth-related numerology. Also these are their colours. I decided that, too. This entire photo is your collective colour spectrum. A few days ago I was staring at smoke and I had been trying to work out what their colour was and it was some kind of ethereal white with hints of blue and green that shone really prettily in the smoke.

I know everyone knows I like to play with colour spectrums in photos but actually… this photo has not been edited – although I think I changed the colour temperature on my camera and perhaps that counts. (It really shouldn’t count.)

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I lolled because the other visitor is definitely me

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Edited to add…

I think I’ll be sending this book to Esther Hicks…

I have, like, a new favourite show. Don’t bother me. (You weren’t going to but if you were this would be my latest excuse for a lack of interest)


Yo0o0o0o0o0ou can bother me tho

Theres underwear and scantily clad girls which is totally your thing

I’ve got til Saturday to do a cute collection for Miss Kittie Kids. It is mint chocolate chip icecream and Marie Antoinette inspired.

Years ago I saw that Helena Bonham Carter was customising and making unique denim pieces – jeans with lots of beautiful ruffles, lace and ribbons. I ripped out a photograph of her from a magazine, with her amazing renaissance hands. (Cate Blanchett also did a beautiful theatrical editorial in a magazine with the renaissance hands – I’m a hand person.)

It all must’ve stuck in my head and this happened last night ^_^

These are Ellen & Portia, the Swim-Swim Swans.


I have a new little friend in my room.

I just had this vision of the world exploding in a mushroom cloud, me standing in the midst of the smoke with my little dogs. a quiet knowing that everyone has died (except me and the vampires obv) and going “HA” and really meaning it

(and all the dead people would hear me because I’m a fantastiche medium. And they’d beg and beg to be born again into physical bodies – really – and do you know what I’d say?)