this is the best song I’ve ever heard


i love her

like i really really love her

sexy jiggles and and omg

fyi she is the sexiest person in the universe right now

i dedicate this song to my middle toe and every guy i’ve ever fancied that picked a blonde/a zoella over me (it’s only ever one of the two and about a year in they come out with a “she attacked me with a razor and tried to stab me” or “i woke up at about 3AM and she was standing over me in bed and sounding kind of possessed she said ‘I’m gonna kill you‘” or “no karina you were right, remember that eight months you spent completely alone in my country because you wouldn’t have sex with anyone while you were awake, with severe parkinsonism and trying to get over that PTSD from everyone you lived for fucking you over, waiting for me to get over her, i spent a night with that ex you told me didn’t love me, and we had sex straight away, even after you told me to wait for two weeks. the next morning she got dressed, said she regretted it and walked out” or a “we had definitely consensual sex – that time – and she told the police that I had made her vagina bleed and then put my hand on the blood and then licked it while she recoiled in fear, in bed. i don’t even like looking at blood and now i get a panic attack everytime someone knocks on my door

someone please buy me a tutu dress like hers/arrange for me to find one in a shop that i can afford cos you know, I’m on job seekers even if I am both legally qualified and talented enough to teach


I also dedicate it to these siblings i hung out with in denmark
i was very nearly considering having MDMA sex with a guy I’d been in love with for about nine? ten years – to make good of an otherwise fucking awful party – and his sister walked in and lay in bed with us and told us that she’d just had sex with someone she didn’t know (I think they like to synchronise their love making) and then i got dressed and we bumped into these two guy siblings having a yaoi moment (brothers kissing, for those uneducated) and I said “That’s weird.” And she said “no thats really normal here”

So um. Upon learning I have lots of sexy siblings – sort of – can one of you come be matchy matchy with me? Can we do it guiltlessly? Obnoxiously? Not someone I actually grew up with because that is messed up. I know I went down on my brother when he was on drugs and I was about three years old but I cannot emphasise how much that fucked up our family life cos we both knew that was weird

I have conditions

1 we don’t FEEL related
2 we LOOK related – you are allowed to be slightly hotter than me but not too much
3 you are taller than me, have hairs on your head
4 you are prepared for me to make you internet famous
5 you are prepared to perform in “twin” pornography with me
6 you’re okay with being bought gifts, i love buying people gifts
7 you’re okay with magic, magical shit happens when i’m happy – magical shit also happens when i’m upset and i cannot be held responsible for it. i mean i am probably responsible for it but you won’t be able to prove it, i won’t be able to prove it – but the timing will be so precise that it will be your one piece of evidence that i am responsible for it. the timing. i mean people die when im upset. you know how in friends phoebe says that when she ‘doesnt floss’ people die? it’s sort of as ridiculous as that but also way more fucked up because people actually die. you can remote view my memories if you want – but all you’ll know is “she was upset that day”
8 you will let me pick your clothes and your shoes
9 you have no affiliations with the number 9 or people i think of as 9s, you don’t find zoella attractive, you have never masturbated thinking of zoella, you don’t find portuguese people attractive, have never spoken to or thought about speaking to or otherwise found a portuguese person attractive, have never visited portugal, you don’t find ‘short girls with big breasts’ attractive, you aren’t a ‘sophie’ guy – I don’t get on with guys that are attracted to girls called ‘sophie’, I don’t get on with girls called ‘sophie’. There might be a decent sophie out there but i doubt we’d get on. if you’d get on with her by all means date her instead. do not bring her into my life, do not try to encourage us to be ‘long distance friends’, do not tell me about her fantastic personality. i’m sure she has one but i doubt we’d make good friends and that i’d enjoy sharing men with her. if you use a sophie or a peaches to try to ‘make me jealous’ – you will take it so far you’ll end up marrying her and i won’t care, unless the wedding is uploaded online and/or hilarious because your taste suddenly changed when we stopped hanging out. then i will care a bit and watch the wedding and spend a month thinking of the perfect neg – which i will upload to the internet. everyone will know it’s about you. you will end up moving abroad with her and taking your bad decisions out on me, when in reality they had nothing to do with me. (if you want to leave me for someone else – pick someone i like. if you don’t it won’t work. it’s okay, i’m alive forever – i’m not threatened by.. anyone.. really.) (i’ll get revenge when you’re both OAPs if i have to)
10 you have a weed contact that is waiting for our daily call and who is prepared to drop what they’re doing to drop off
11 you’re unemployed (but not untalented). i need you around 24/7, i am very clingy and physically affectionate and you have to play with my hair every night ish
12 you can only PRETEND to think of cheating. Not think of cheating. If I fancy them as well it is not technically cheating but don’t do it behind my back. If you cheat you will be kicked out and any gifts i have given you will be returned to me and I will probably forget anything “nice” about you
13 i choose everything we listen to and watch, unless you’ve got a collection of songs – a playlist if you will – about me/you/people I find attractive. only complimentary songs will be accepted
14 if your name is ash stymest you owe me money, message me for my bank details or don’t
15 you must be funny – ha-ha funny, not “funny” like my ex boyfriend luke (who was not ha-ha funny)
16 you must be a good dancer, i like boys who can dance while I zone out on a settee. No I will not dance WITH you. I will film you dancing and people will fall in love with you. You will think you can find someone better at capturing you being cute, unless they are David Lynch or Isabella Rossellini – it’s highly unlikely. If I capture you being not-cute I’m mad about something. Ask me what is wrong.
17 you must be okay with the fact that everyone hates me because everyone hates me. it is worse when i have love interests. it’s okay – they’ll still want to befriend you but be aware that really they’ll be jealous of you and you should probably accept you won’t have any real friends while we’re hanging out/dating/whatever you want to call it
18 if you add 9 and 9 you get 18 and if you add 1 and 8 you get a 9 – so the #9 rule applies. please refer to rule #9
19 you think slavery is bad, you think cheap people are bad, you think rape is bad, you think stealing is bad (unless you are stealing FOOD – or drink – IN FRONT OF ME.)
20 you have no related children or younger siblings who are more talented/better educated than you are
21 you accept in advance that i don’t want to meet your “parents” or your other “siblings” or your “cousins” – you can spend Christmas or Hannukah with them if you want to but I do not want to and I don’t care if they spend it bitching about me. I will know if they spent it bitching about me. I’ll probably accidentally repeat the comments that were made about me. Don’t be weirded out, I wasn’t there. It happens. It’s not like we’re getting married and if we are it’s on Habbo. And it’ll be televised in Israel probably.
22 you have never visited Kent consensually, physically or non physically – and if you have you were really reluctant to do so and you hated it
23 you must have a functional penis. the size is unimportant but you’re being filmed and I’m in no mood for penis related insecurities. I take about 5 minutes to orgasm and I prefer foreplay. Not much is expected of you sexually – I know men pretend otherwise but I actually do all the work – and if you ask for fellatio I will assume you’re being possessed by a dwarf.
24 i prefer circumsised penises but if you’re not circumsised i won’t make you uncomfortable about it but consider it
25 you’re not vincent gallo
26 you don’t neg people unless it’s a legitimately funny neg and you’re prepared for me to bombard you with telepathic negs for the next 20 months
27 see rule #9, #18, it applies
28 if lots of women say you are “good in bed” you are probably not good in bed, which means you do what i say
29 see #9, #18 and #27
30 it is preferred if your hands & feet are bigger than mine
31 you are not into scat but can pretend to be for billions (toilet fetishists, no – good actors – yes)
32 you can pull off boots. i like boots
33 you will not make me run after you in the streets in heels. I’m not going to do that and I will embarrass you for walking in front of me unless I am in one of my coy moods where I hide behind you to piss off someone I’m using to make you jealous
34 you are more intelligent than luke, which isn’t difficult
35 you are a good artist so you can be useful when i need to film my kids spirituality show
36 see #9, #18, #27
37 you have good taste so we can have genuine arguments about how we’re going to dress that day (please feel free to take note of my colour palettes, I can whatsapp/insta them over but colours are blacks, browns, tans, pinks, greys, greens, reds, cream, purple – I’m trying to bring denim back after rihnonna wore double denim in the UK – in public – but it’ll take a really long time for us to get over that as a Universe)
38 you don’t pretend not to be bisexual
39 see #9, #18, #27 & #36
40 you are more rude and also more sweet than me
41 you can have an “improvised” conversation, when i am in public sometimes freemasons approach me for chats and if you embarrass me it’s over
42 if you are ridiculously good looking but can’t do improvised conversation, you agree to limit conversation to “hello”, “good morning”, “good afternoon”, “good evening”, “thankyou” and “good bye” in public ( we will discuss the times by which it’s okay for you to use those. I listen to my earphones when I’m in public mostly so this won’t be difficult
43 you are okay with being immortal, in the event that I think you are too pretty to let die
44 you are okay with being occupied by (really sexy) aliens and angels (this is not optional sorry) and occasionally my future sons who like to hang out sometimes (they look like Trunks from DBZ, Jaeger from AOT, Levi from AOT –

also this is 13. His eyes are wrong here – they’re snake slits.
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He won’t occupy you though. Just me.)

He did this to my eye
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His brother Trunx can control the water levels in your body and can prevent you from having successful erections. So no rape either. Sorry. Unless I’m awake and you’re prepared to be destroyed. This is not a sexual invitation – I will probably kill you by accident. He hangs out with Dua Lipa. So stay away from Dua Lipa. Sometimes I listen to Dua Lipa.

45 see #9, #18, #27, #36, #39
46 you do not engage with “the game”, “the game” is for beta fe/males – not royalty, not people that hang out with royalty etc
47 you will not step in in fights between me and other men, don’t ever, ever, ever – you’ll look stupid
48 if you make me look stupid – I might not make a thing of it – but I will make a thing of it later, unless you’re hilarious and attractive (if you aren’t both of these things – and not subjectively – OBJECTIVELY – it’s a no)

Today has been busy.
I wrote lots of letters, paid a bit towards my council tax (I’ve been keeping my payments in-advance and that’s working for me. I’m trying to employ a “if you have a tenner, put a pound towards your council tax” agreement with myself. But today I wrote to the council because I don’t think they’re quite offering adequate information as to the distribution of the money.
I’m deeply uncomfortable with the fact that there has apparently been an increase in the police workforce. I’d like to know exactly what kind of crime is committed in Brighton – that might justify that decision. Is it the police cuts in London? Have the London Police had to move out of London to afford to live? Is it those pesky gays men selling XTREME poppers or – no – not WEED? COKE? MDMA?) aaand most importantly I received a new deodorant in the post.
It’s an item that’s been endorsed by Doctor Jane Goodall.
She did a lot of very cool things and continues to do a lot of very cool things. She inspired the character for the mother in Mighty Joe Young and when I was little and I used to pretend that I had a kind and intelligent mother I would hum the lullaby in it to myself. If you do not know who Doctor Jane Goodall is you will learn a little bit about her in the email I sent to the deodorant company that I feel did her a disservice with their packaging and otherwise did a pretty poor job of marketing that she had let them use her name.
I’m not entirely certain that the people who are selling these deodorants knew who she is.


Hi guys! Gals?

Thanks for the product. It did arrive. And it was packaged. I guess.

I wanted to alert you to the two broken links at the foot of the email you sent me, to inform me that my deodorant had been delivered. I’ve included it below, please do scroll down for a reference.

My new item has been lovingly placed beside me, I used it the second it arrived.
But back to those links: I was hoping for some ‘natural’ beauty hacks at the suggestion of Professor Jane herself.
Screen Shot 2019-04-10 at 14.31.38.png
I imagine your company made the most of the opportunity to meet and do business with Professor Jane – a woman who has helped us to understand and conserve endangered animals that are so precious to our Planet.
I’m sure that you’re aware that she has lived amongst wild animals, so that she could study them in their habitats, and that she was probably amongst the first twenty or so British women from a humble background to have ever been given a doctorate for her contributions to the environmental sciences? I had also rather hoped to read some eco-friendly showering tips from someone that has had to be so precious about resources like clean water while living in the wilderness, and sometimes quite alone too. It’s just: there was no reference to the fact on your site and the efforts made to sell the product were quite minimal. It must have come across as quite rude and poorly researched actually.
Did you also know that she might’ve been the first person in the World to document evidence that primates are capable of using tools to acquire food – the way primitive humans might have done so?
It’s a shame the links aren’t working because I imagine they serve as some kind of extended dedication on your fantastic little site to feature a woman that has done so much for science and other women.
Please let me know when you’ve fixed the links.
I’m sure you’re aware that I did visit your site and endorse your product because of an interview of hers, and I really don’t have that kind of money to be spending on deodorant (I already have one that comes in a glass bottle) – although I do know that the products I like to use often end up on the shelves of the shops I frequent – so I look forward to testing it. I think it’s of great importance that products void of damaging chemicals and carcinogens are available to all – whether I am inclined to want to be friends with them or not.
As the products are au natural, I was quite curious at the idea of there being some way to preserve them so that they remain in good condition. How are the ingredients in the deodorant preserved if they’re all natural? I know natural products are fast to degrade.
I’ll be updating my blog with my thoughts on the product too, so I’d value any contributions you can make to helping me write something interesting about your product.
Also: I’m going to offer some advice: fire the person doing your marketing. It’s not their line of work, they were desperate for a job. Please let me know if you need someone to do graphic design or packaging design for you, I’m looking for a quick job and I’d love to add your brand to my CV. Speaking of which – here’s the URL.
I’m embarrassed at how I envisage you must’ve come across speaking with Dr Jane and I hope my suggestions will help you fix it.
Love Karina
In the event that the staff come across this post: the art on the box is not good.

Did you know that Dr Goodall sells primates artworks on her site?

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You should have asked if you could incorporate some of her Chimp friend’s artworks. I read the blurb on the box, accompanying the deodorant. I very nearly cried at the rudeness. Do you have any idea what she’s done for women, women pursuing education, women pursuing the right to work with animals or be scientists?
Do you know that she gave the animals NAMES? Before that: their personalities and identities (part of the reason we accept that animals have those is because she has DOCUMENTED IT) were reduced to numerical figures.


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And mine:
Dear Madeline Mosco,
Thank you so much for responding so promptly. I am no beta tester for your site but I did notice the last time I accessed the links provided at the foot of my previous email that there was a UK section of your (is it yours?) (Oh I just checked, you’re the zendesk (?)girl(?) site that I had been automatically redirected to, perhaps only U.S residents can access the pages. In any case you are welcome for the heads up. If you do intend to have a UK section of a site which can only be accessed by residents of the United Kingdom, do you think it might be wise to have a resident in the United Kingdom to do the aforementioned beta testing? Are you new to the internet?
I don’t think Dr Goodall’s ‘bathing habits’ was the crux of the insinuation you ought to have paid attention to – although I would be interested to learn her survival habits in the wild. She tends to focus, in her various seminars, on the animals that she has dedicated her life to – and the welfare of the locals in the countries that she visits for her work.
I think – and it’s possible you missed the point entirely – what I was trying to subtly draw attention to was the fact that you have a showering tutorial and a tutorial for applying deodorant at the foot of emails thanking people for buying a product with her name on it and that the links were broken. Which makes you look quite stupid.
I also think it is quite stupid to attempt to pretend that you’re responsible for supporting her work, as if the use of her name didn’t invite a host of consumers that wouldn’t of otherwise had any reason to purchase one of your deodorants.
At both the peak of this email and a peek of your ingredients, I noticed that you’re right, there’s no water in your deodorant. (I’m not a scientist but I’m quite certain that all carbon has some water in it but I do appreciate the info, I’ll be sure to paraphrase your statement in my blog, Madeline Mosco.)
Can I ask, is there an optimum body temperature for the application of your deodorants? Will they still work if I’m cold?????????????
God bless you Madeline Mosco
I can tell you’re absorbed in my show and it means a lot to me.
Oh wait final question – coming off that peak – what exactly inspired Schmidts to contact Doctor Jane Goodall?

Here is a great route if you want to market things to sell things:
– Know what you want to buy – not what you LIKE to buy – but what you really, really, really WANT to buy
– Know why you really want to buy it
it is probably because of the packaging
– Study art. For a long time.
– Study graphic design. For a long time. Look at EVERYTHING and decide what you like and then spend literally weeks trying to emulate it
– Study literature. FOR A LONG TIME. Have a vocabulary that is all of your own.
If you adopt words and phrases from shows, don’t forget the shows. They’re amongst your many inspirationseses
– Know about lots and lots of different things, so you have a DIRECTION in the event that you want to study marketing later. So you MERGE those ideas and concepts together.
And so when you try to dialogue with people about the work you like, and your INSPIRATION, you don’t sound fucking retarded
Anyway. So. How you butchered Professor Goodall. From a designer’s perspective.
Floral packaging, because it’s a floral scent. Okay, okay lets go with it.
Why that shade of green?
Why those fonts?
Why did you create a border with the flowers?
Was it some kind of nature of chaos versus order of the intelligent designer statement?
Did you design it with your mouse cursor? Can you actually illustrate flowers?
no – no wait one sec
Did that packaging happen to be accompanied by a huge, huge sketchbook (or many, for the prices of the items, I should think) where you explored the potential for every mark made for every single flower?

It took you five minutes, lets be honest.

I believe I might’ve written about the abstract movement on my children’s tumblr – if not I’m glad I have something to add to it. Illustration is OCCASIONALLY a caricatured impression of reality, but that “style” comes AFTER you’ve learned how to draw PROPERLY.

I appreciate how easy I’ve made it look but as I’ve said before – I spent my LIFE doing art. AND I AM STILL TERRIFIED BY THE PROSPECT OF EVEN CONTEMPLATING APPLYING FOR A CAREER DOING IT.
I have spent HOURS of my life just staring at things trying to find the perfect framing for a COMPOSITION. Did you know that composition in the arts and in film is an art of it’s own?
There are people who are so taken by the placement and position of every single aspect of a composition that they have composed their PHD research on it. That is a lot of words to write – and probably read, too.
Do you know that some pieces of art – REAL ART, BY ART MASTERS – can be translated into mathematic principles (the kind of maths that doesn’t make any use of numerical figures) and scientific equations?
You call it ‘cropping’ because the internet has made it all so easy for you but it’s something art masters probably lost HAIR over. It had THAT much meaning to them.
When you study art – it’s grrrrrrreat for personal expression. EVERYONE should do it. I think we all evolve a little more every time someone does a drawing with any kind of success.
It’s great if you can draw and scribble. It’s FANTASTIC. Does that mean you should be doing it in exchange for cash? Probably fucking not. It’s a hobby.
There are talented Arts graduates who are in crippling fucking DEBT – regretting going to University to study the arts because its not making them the living that they deserve. Arts academics reduced to the same salary as the lazy sixteen year old secondary school drop out, serving cheap coffee to rude customers, forced to have uninspiring and repetitive, scripted conversations about food they’re not passionate about selling or otherwise personally invested in because those companies can’t trust individuals to have polite conversations in a shitty uniform (it’s what happens in a society that makes celebrities of uneducated, uncreative, untalented inner-ugly people and then relies on the sub-economy of such a stupid fucking decision that said bureaucrats made because CLEVER people with money is THSCARY), in uninspiring, shitty fucking cookie-cutter franchises – independent cafes (the kind most artists dream of working at but very, very rarely do) are struggling because people (or do you prefer the term consumers? do you know the term? could you get away with using it conversationally without your peers laughing at you for using polysyllabic words? JUST INCASE THE ANSWER IS NO: it’s an inherently derogatory term that bureaucrats use to dehumanise the people buying the shit they’re trying to sell them) don’t trust that they’re serving people clean food & drink – and franchises can afford to be sued, can afford a nasty testimonial in a broadsheet or two.
It is an insult to Art students when someone just wakes up and decides to invest in themselves being marketed as the next Christian Dior or the next Coco Chanel, especially when the likelihood of that person being INSPIRED to do so was a result of their paying attention to a friend or an acquaintance that had been dreaming of doing that very thing their entire life.
Art students – I mean the real ones, not your friend that found out his/her favourite “softcore porn” blogger is going to an Art uni and decided they could do the same thing – spent their LIVES trying to get an arts education, they’ve DREAMT of meeting art masters that could teach them how to perfect a glint in a subject’s eye. Art students being robbed of the time they dedicated to their studies because of well connected, wealthy people who were ‘too good’ to study for a job they had to emotionally blackmail or bribe someone to get.
Oh wait – or those art students that picked the wrong University because the University had to let in subpar students (budgets) whose standard of work was so poor that they felt GUILTY submitting work or they couldn’t engage in group work because their colleagues didn’t respect that they were superior and so their education fucking suffered as a result of it. (Learning to cope with colleagues jealousy is a whole education of it’s own, I’D KNOW.)
If it “comes naturally” – and I mean, not because you’ve been copying someone or somehow gone through their work and had the audacity to think “oh this is so easy” – with nothing to back up the statement (I mean, sketchbooks? Diaries? A life’s body of work?)
If it really comes naturally, ANYTHING – STUDY it so if and when you do get a job of your own merit – it’s not a fucking insult to all the people that really fucking worked.
“Just because you can – doesn’t mean you should”
Don’t be ashamed if you’ve one of those magical footballer IQs, just stay in your lane. Unless your intelligence is of a variety that our IQ tests cant quantify yet. In which case, dude come be friends with me I need you in my life. (Not really)
someone give me a few million and I will show you 50 shades of grey. I won’t even invest in new clothes. I’ll wear leggings and boots and a few of my man shirts. I’ll go all out and get my breasts removed. I’ll be the boy of your dreams. I’ll play Levi in Attack on Titan. I’ll keep my flat. I will spend all the cash on helping you learn what 50 Shades of Grey BDSM could be. But first
Remember that I picked the actor in 50 shades of grey, based on the fact that he looked hot doing psycho in COLD MOUNTAIN. I liked his dainty leaps.
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Various residents and business owners in Brighton are engaging in weird bullying victimisation to women and I’m unsure as to how to successfully and subtly explain that they are to no small extent invading my personal privacy.

You have a lot of celebrities who have been given more money than they have been taught to be responsible for. Most people have no idea how to be responsible with money – and “saving” is not what I consider responsible.

I think the police need to be investigated – by the military – for their abuses to people’s personal privacy. I did annotate a lengthy address to yourselves regarding how much access they have to citizen information and that they do employ a variety of strategies to both select victims and criminals in childhood and that they are a crime syndicate of their own that financially benefits from said crimes – particularly drug related crime – through selecting candidates that will ensure that the money comes back to them.

And when there have been appropriate investigations that I assure will only confirm the outrageous truth – the military will need to be investigated also, because they will probably have been seduced by the possibility of all the things people can get away with when they think that there will be no consequence. I know that our princes have a lot to be accountable for and that they themselves are protected by the idea that they are above the law when in truth, they’re not at all. Having both engaged with the military they ought to be investigated also – I assure you that you will find that they have had many engagements with illegal and unacceptable activity, including modern slavery.

I don’t know who it would be correct to suggest that we need to find people who can be above the military to -(operating a gun, flying a plane and operating a ship – and basic PGL athleticism and an agreeableness to shoot innocent people are not the extent of the requirements that we should seek citizens to meet in order to feel “protected” by them when they “train” overseas and otherwise render our female cadets into states of absolute fear to sleep or drink because they might be targeted for unconscious sexual activity) and whose consciences are unquestionable.

Did I mention that I am in support of the death penalty? I am.
I have a lot of notes about Templar uniforms that I am quite prepared to contribute. I can also suggest a lot of people who would be interested in being a Templar, who have had a spiritual education and who are academics and who are athletic too. Do contact the School of Economic Science.

I’m quite certain that there are people who are investing financially in making it unpleasant for me to go out – I think it would be quite nice if you could send a request to all the local shop keepers and restauranteurs – detailing the legalities of running a service or business (I’ve been fortunate enough to learn that there are) with very particular attention to suggestions for how to treat people when they engage with your service or shop – and also perhaps offer some training to people who have been improperly raised or schooled as to correct manners in the professional workplace, even in the absence of a superior. Training new people or otherwise finding new employees to learn to trust all over again must be quite painful for independent shop keepers.

I do think that there should be a qualification in British manners – as not everyone can afford finishing school but would most certainly benefit from being taught how to behave like a civilised person. I’m not suggesting that we all start pretending to be aristocracy, but there is a difference in having manners and being appropriate socially and being a pleb. And I have met various members of the upper middle class who are worser yobs than the alcoholic punks that used to frequent Camden so it isn’t a “class” attack either.

I know that a lot of British people like to move abroad and that they make a spectacle of themselves in doing so.
I know that many foreigners come here and embarrass themselves too – but there’s a lot of power in assuming responsibility for that, that is, the suggestion that we might be responsible for making foreigners believe that acting like that here is okay because our citizens definitely go and do it in their countries. I avoid the news and I was made aware that we rather insulted Switzerland (I know, I’m leaving it there) by defacing IKEA. For example. I’m quite sure that many of the individuals that did so have numerous belongings furnishing their homes with items from IKEA, who kindly provide furniture that the many single mothers in our country assemble and move around their homes with minimal difficulty. And it’s that kind of unforgivable consideration that I find lacking in many British people who think they have any business in running this country, actually.

We can’t trust any of our football fans not to embarrass us when they go to matches in other countries and the entire industry serves as a complete diplomatic nightmare. The fact that football is so submerged in British culture really only goes to show how underevolved we are. Intelligent, sensitive, creative people, people who use their minds to design or think or pursue higher thought don’t seem to be all that interested in football and there is probably some reasoning that deserves exploration there.

We can’t even trust British footballers with female British passport holders – I’m sure you’re not unaware that amongst their hobbies is roofying women and then practising group sex with their unconscious bodies? Our society teaches young boys that it is acceptable to aspire to be like that, and the impact of doing so has affected so many generations (rape does – by the way – affect many, many generations of women. Even if it goes undiscussed, once the damage is done – children are never unaware that something of that nature has happened and their interactions with the world are further affected.) that at present, the social impact of the repercussions of rape culture is untold. There has always been marital rape, but a society that endorses the celebrity worship and iconography of men who have dedicated every braincell they possess towards “winning” or “losing” a game in which they kick a ball across a field – and their wives/girlfriends – is the most sorry state of our times. If you look at ancient cultures in which football did NOT exist – they were prolific artists that built monuments that neither todays artists nor todays architects nor todays scientists can explain. The best we’ve got is the Millenium Dome? The olympics logo which cost our tax payers a lot of money, too. And the Harry Potter books, so we can thank J.K Rowling that at least the hoards of children that these men breed have something to read when they’re not doing whatever else it is that they like to do. Because they’re not being taught how to read or speak English properly by their parents – the ‘famous’ footballers that have children are men who were taken out of school in their teens and have no qualifications to speak of. They are chosen to have that much money because the companies do adequate research to ensure that they won’t use that money to acquire power – those footballers end up infiltrating social groups of women whose family have some power – raping them or otherwise learning about ‘power’ – the only thing they were ever wanted for was their ability to kick a ball – pretending that they have any business running the country or even investing in businesses that this country relies on – because they learned that a social banter about politics in which they repeat opinions that they were fed by the media (that their employers invest in) can massage their ego better than winning a football game.

There are so many people who do not have jobs, who would never abuse the opportunity therein by abusing someone who wanted to invest in their business. And who are kept poor because the government rather like to pretend that this country is struggling financially when the truth is that it isn’t.
At all. People running local businesses and the shop-keeper economy is struggling because people are prefer to buy things online. At this point I can’t determine whether this is a good thing entirely or a bad thing – I think that there are some establishments that deserve to have physical shops, that make going out exciting for residents and tourists. I don’t think the majority of shops I’ve visited in Brighton are that exciting.

If we were struggling financially – there is no way in HELL that we would’ve considered Brexit. If this dishonesty towards a struggling economy has been some attempt to make ourselves independent I think it is poorly considered and I further pity our PM for being so stupid as to engage or make public speeches that discredit her and perhaps any woman at all from being prime minister again.

If we have a prime minister who feels it acceptable not to teach young women to smack away an uninvited hand perhaps we need to hire some pornstars and prostitutes who know the value of skin to skin contact to fix the country. It’s an act of war, that hand touch.

Lots of love,

Anna Karina


I’ve invested in carving tools from Hobby Craft. So far I recommend this kit if you’re invested in learning. I recommend an attending an art class before you start going for it – and I do not mean “watching a youtube video”. I started learning linocutting at about sixteen years old, in college. There is certainly a wealth of information available online but it does not and will never, ever beat actually studying under the guidance of someone who has studied the Arts for their entire life. If your favourite artist youtuber was supposed to be a teacher, they would be. I am qualified to be an Art teacher – frankly no one can afford me. Not because I’m the very greatest artist in the World, but because I come with the kind of perks that you read about in Hogwarts books.

Anyway. I’m using the linocutting tools to cut wood.

I ought to experiment with new mark making techniques, and I think you have to of spent hours sanding things to understand how to cope with the wood grain. which is very resistant.  I’m painting the block gold and considering it an homage to Gustav Klimt. Maybe if I do it for afew years I’ll be able to call it a talent.

When this one’s finished I believe I’ll be putting it in my bathroom. It’s bigger than it looks. SPEAKING OF TOILETTES. Every fucking time I use that fucking toilet it blocks. I don’t know what tiny thing I can use to create a visual image for you, reader dearest, so as to somehow illustrate how fucking tiny the shits people in Brighton must be taking – is the word “flush power?” right here? I don’t have hangers to waste, trying to unblock the toilet every time I use it. Imagine all the wire hangers sitting in those apocalyptic waste landfills – I refuse to buy hangers I won’t want to keep forever. They’re just another one of those things that people mindlessly invest in.

I spent a lot of today just resting and meditating. I’ve nearly filled another box of – some very ‘expensive’ clothes for charity. I know people use Depop but if I’m honest, I would feel quite dishonest selling these clothes. I don’t like them. I’d quite genuinely feel like I was stealing if I tried to charge someone for them. Some of these items are worth hundreds I think – or were certainly sold for that. So if you’re around the Old Age charity near Kemptown, that’s where I’ll be dropping them off.

I’ve cleaned my kitchen a little, eaten four chicken thighs today and I’m currently STILL HUNGRY. This is not greed – I am genuinely experiencing actual hunger. Have you heard what happens when I go to sleep hungry? teeheehee

ALSO: Have you seen Claymore? I’m watching Claymore at the moment. They have a term “voracious eaters” and uh. Yeah.

I’d play no one else if someone asked me to be in Claymore. (But my heights wrong, I wouldn’t accept the role.)


I accidentally transported one of those misery books about people that were tortured and i’m thinking of doing a dramatic reading of it with a directors commentary on the bits that I found personally insulting

Inspired by this

“she was never toilet trained”, “doctors said she’d never live a normal life again”

first of all – thank your lucky stars i wasnt toilet trained because it meant i could teach an entire planet/universe how to take a shit

second of all – if a person KNOWS they’re being watched and you’re keeping them poor, telling them lies and planning all of your conversational interaction – AND they’re an INTROVERT – you are stealing their energy, making them feel WATCHED and making them lose faith in your shitty species that still hasn’t thanked her PROFUSELY for teaching them that they don’t need to take a reading book or a magazine into the toilet.

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I kept being told I didn’t look like my photos by people I wouldn’t of accepted money to date

This morning, I had a quick sort-of-shower, drank too little water and ate chocolate for breakfast. I decided I’d try to author a paragraph for something, there are so many different things I’m trying to write at once and it is very difficult to condense my thoughts or confine anything to a single paragraph and so it’s a pretty decent challenge. Yesterday I began writing an editor’s note for my magazine, it became an essay quite by accident. I received the first draft of a programmer’s attempt at putting together a site I’ve been dreaming of making for most of my life. I know my intentions towards the site have been perfected – my younger self undermined the gravitas of her dream to direct erotica. I used to question myself as a person who identified as a feminist and yet who also supported the sexualisation of the human body. Everything I’d been taught growing up led me to believe that there was something inherently degrading about offering a depiction of your physical form up for people to masturbate over or buy and sell and swap, as is done online particularly. But it gives you a lot of influence, being able to cultivate what a species thinks of as sexual or even arousing and that’s what I wanted. And it is important. Years ago I was asked “why do you want to be famous?” and I replied “Because I quite like the idea of having influence” – years later I am pretty notorious and I’ve learned that people call internet-famous people “influencers”.