NYU??

Do you know how I got my fat ass? Not from exercising. My family will tell you I only ever went to ‘five or so’ ballet classes but thats what they genuinely remember – certainly not what my teachers remembered. But none of the classes I did made for the kind of strength you need to have a “Kardashian” ass. You all know I didn’t pay for it with cash, either. It’s not GENETIC EITHER.

I got it from squatting like this – including when I was in public – and I’d get those painful convulsions you get when you’re gestating one of those huuuuge shits. Or when you’re being sexualised by someone. Farts aren’t real by the way. You don’t need to do it. It’s the kind of thing that happens when you’re ‘sharing energy’ with someone you aren’t attracted to. If you’re a locker room kinda guy – like the naked men that competed in the olympics way back when – you’ll know what I mean. The weird stuff that happens when you’re being watched while you shower or undress.

It’s a ‘predator’ versus ‘prey’ thing. We evolved to be able to ‘know’ when someone is watching us. You get ass pain when you have a hidden audience. Kind of like that saying, when your ears ‘burn’ because someone’s talking about you. And I developed that pretty well, my family could speak more languages than I could and I knew when I was being discussed – but they lied a lot.

I’ve never had any reason to trust anyone so when it comes to making friends or family, I’m screwed either way. All I know is liars. But also – when I’m not feeling nice or pity or loving – that’s not all that much of an issue.

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3 Questions

1 who are you

hi, I’m Karina

2 what do you want

money

3 when do you want it

fucking now

Don’t sexualise geniuses. Don’t aspire to have a child ‘born’ a ‘genius’. Appreciate the struggle in being able to create/define one.

I get you were trying to be a bit entertaining – and you were – but not for the reasons you assumed you would be

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Significant proportion of it’s REVENUE – so who funds the research?? If it’s PROFITS paying for the research, I mean? In-house research… I think the address of this international conglomerate dedicated solely to researching ‘tobacco’ was situated in Dundee …?

This could only be funny to someone who has
a.) watched ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ – who really brought in the word ‘cerulean’ (The kind of people whose fashion knowledge comes from watching a show like #TDWP and the dumbed down stuff written in magazines like Tatler Grazia. Not many people have the concentration for the level of writing in Vogue magazine. Conde Naste amirite) (Anna Wintour is competing with men in her family who own broadsheets. That means she has been doing it since infancy.) (You do not just wake up one day and say “I want to work in fashion’ – you are built up and trained for it and it begins with being surrounded by “scary” men who are attracted to equally “scary” women.)

And actually this music would be great to put on a loop while you read this blog entry. So you can gauge my mood while I wrote it

I dedicate this song to my ‘sister’ and her ‘friends’ who have spent years pretending not to lurk me on the internet, especially the anorexic ones that shouldn’t have children. I mean physiologically – you cannot have children if you have an eating disorder. Especially not one with my genes – WE EAT A LOT OF MEAT. One time this skinny girl was trying to get pregnant, even though she was the sort to mind control animals and use them to abuse one another etc – and I told her “EAT MEAT.” and she wouldn’t cos her boyfriend is vegan. I mean be vegan if you want to but don’t try and steal a child from me – it could kill you by accident. No anorexics please.

Especially the ones that emotionally abused me as a child/teenager – cos anyone else who abused me will tell you that they’re infertile. You had help. It’s okay – I can’t do the thing you guys can but I know people who can.


b.) paid attention to how I write – because people don’t really throw around the word ‘synonymous’ much unless they’re into the etymological dictionary (the kind of person who values metasynchronicity/the notion that things could be synonymous with one another that weren’t immediately all that synonymous
c.) ‘innovation and continuous improvement’ commitments
d.) paid attention to how I analyse colour

Actually just. Come back to it later. It will be funnier.

Let me tell you the significance of red and blue – to me

First of all
Since infancy I’ve been emotionally affected by light and colour. Years later a guy called Alex – one of those genius hacker types that owns his own server – that’s the kind of person I was attracted to as a teenager (he wasn’t interested in me and my mother was very, very aware of our friendship – his own parents were also aware of the friendship) taught me that this sensitivity – that is experienced by a lot of people in a lot of different ways – is called Synesthesia. HIS synesthesia made particular numbers/letters change into different colours. Spiritual parents (many of which produce children that are genetically superior to normal ones – many of which have more miscarriages in life than you can comprehend if you’re anorexic or dating someone who is anorexic) (unless you’re one of those genius anorexics that choose anorexia over having babies stolen from you – when you learn to love in a particular way, you don’t need to have sex or masturbate to conceive children) keep things like this secret because if people realise the value of being able to read letters in colours, everything becomes a code. People with abilities like mine are useful to the secret services etc – and it is valuable to have you think that we’re “FAKING IT” when we use words like ‘psychic’ to describe ourselves. It’s too late now, not worth hiding. Plus a lot of us can blow shit up if we go to sleep in a bad mood. So it’s best either to PAY us for our services or to LEAVE.US.ALONE.

I went to the countryside years ago though – and I watched a film called ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ and observed that in every shot, the colours red and blue had been used. And that it made me happy.

These are not colours anyone who studied marketing would use together, to sell something. Especially not to market ‘tobacco research’ – because the colour red actually signifies male fear. Have you ever seen how most men respond to period blood? (I am like, fully into period blood – sexually btw) (I am not into the kind of men that would verbalise something like that though)

I conceive on my period. As in thats the best time to get laid by me.

I am one of those people that got knocked up a lot in my teens because I was having unprotected sex. People who teach sex education use the fears associated with ‘unprotected sex’ as a form of reverse psychology. The truth is that if you have sex education in a government school – they WANT you to get pregnant young because they can sell your babies on.

I had to have unprotected sex – I am deathly allergic to latex inside my body. Funny to think about – I actually swell up significantly and it goes all elephant-manny down there if I have sex with condoms.
I’m also allergic to organic cotton – so I can’t use tampons without my body painfully rejecting them. I once told a girl that I used a tampon and that my body squeezed it out and she took it to mean I had a really loose vagina. Nope – never been the case. I have had really big stuff put into my vagina too – like one of those huge wine bottles – and it always goes back to it’s original size – even after a bunch of gang rapes, it’s still a good 3cm or so and it hurts to put one finger in. I’m into it tho dw

I know it’s bizarre to imagine – but I’ve been blogging for a long time. I know which words I’m personally responsible for people on the internet using.

I am struggling with the use of the word association here – there are a few meanings of the word. I feel like a company with the kind of financial backing that the tobacco industry necessarily has would … at least be able to afford a decent copywriter.

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“mainstream smoke”, enough said

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“immersed” and “engaged” – words I learned at University. Cos I am neither immersed nor engaged, ever. Even if I am present.

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Scientists do not attend conferences to ‘share their work’. Scientists do not like discussing their work. Science is a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’. Scientists are more psychotic about their privacy and research and findings than Artists. And Artists are psychotic but they don’t benefit from you not knowing. Scientists do.

 

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As a teenager that obsessed about being a pornstar, and who made no secret of the fact – as in I would spend hours obsessing not really about the pornstars on sites like suicidegirls and godsgirls etc – but the intimate details pertaining to, for example, layouts and graphic design choices. I was obsessed with Suicidegirls use of typefaces. Something that became an obsession when I was learning ‘handwriting’ in primary school. Like – I never forgot the word ‘ligatures’.

So in addition to obsessing about the graphic design of these sites, as that was really what I felt made the prospect so interesting (there were many pornsites, why was I attracted to these ones?) (THE GRAPHIC DESIGN. MARKETING. PACKAGING.) (I mean, if you need to keep the ‘why’ concise)

‘2257 compliant’ – this was something, hilariously enough, I kept reading. Every time I visited a porn site, I was obsessed with the wording of the 2257 ‘regulations’.

I was NOT masturbating or sexualising the female models on these sites. I was raised by someone who couldn’t have a chat about discharge – the first time I saw discharge in my underwear I thought there was something wrong with me. I told my mother that I had discharge in my underwear and she was pretty repulsed and we had no dialogue about it.
It was actually pretty great to see women who were comfortable with their bodies and who made me less insecure about mine. I once wrote to the owner of SuicideGirls to say thanks, cos I’d experienced a lot of sexually related trauma growing up and being able to see women discussing the female experience on the internet meant that I didn’t ever need to talk to psychiatrists about it. I mean I got to my late twenties quite unscathed by rape and sexual abuse – until some men started interfering with my memories and people were watching my memories (they told me they were – sort of) and actually rather triggering me. The kind of people who could watch childhood rape and be more inclined to insult how my mother liked to decorate her home.

Anyway – 17025 compliant – is funny because I was really fascinated by ‘legalese’ – those are words that the Suicidegirls lawyer put together for the bit on the site about the legalities of posing nude, in the United States.

Copy writers are fun, to me. Once I was asked “why do you want to be famous?” and my response was “power.” “What do you find attractive about having power?” and I replied
“I like having influence over others.”
My idea of a compliment is teaching people new words for example. When you are stalked secretly online, you (as in, I) plant seeds and look for ways to identify if someone has been stalking me. As in I don’t need you to tell me, when you chat to me or write I’ll immediately know. And I have good manners so I’ll pretend not to.
I mean – it wasn’t an intention – I was the kind of kid who liked to read dictionaries. I didn’t speak to anyone much and I liked to learn new words. I learned ‘psychosomatic’ from ‘The Prodigy’.

I used to design my own ‘porn sites’ for fun – (I would spend hours upon hours creating millions of layouts – and was totally inspired by SuicideGirls which was co-designed by a woman called Chloe Riot) and actually quite enjoyed crafting my own kind of lexis (collections of words). I was sort of babysat by these people and again – my mother knew. My older sister knew. Everyone I was either “friends” with, or related to – knew I was obsessed with these sites. They didn’t know why. They didn’t talk to me much.

They thought it was about the naked girls but it wasn’t.. well maybe like 2% about the naked girls. More so about their journals, more so about their feminist ideals, more so about their vibrant lives documented in photographs which later lead to the eruption of ‘instagram’. And these softcore porn sites had been so beautifully designed – at the time – that I had no reason to keep it a secret that I visited them. I wasn’t sexualising anyone, I was reading and reading and reading.

I had older guy friends that would come to my mother’s house and – obviously, sleep in another room – (I wasn’t allowed to have boys sleeping over til I was nineteen. Really.) but when they were dating suicidegirls etc I was SO proud of it and I thought it was the coolest thing in the World. I had to have older friends because I was too intelligent to have friends my own age. I mean, no one ever told me I was intelligent or maybe had any idea of the fact because I rather enjoyed pretending to be stupid.

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If you saw the business being advertised on that site … wait i’ll show you

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“Customers” plural.

Also – the use of non-capitalisation. That is something that Annaliese brought in. Annaliese is a woman that was in mensa as a child. She was the kind of person who expressed herself using very brief and succinct statements online and that caught on like you wouldn’t believe. Everyone had a ‘style’ of writing – which was important at the time but not so much anymore – so it’s really sweet to see someone who paid so much attention to that phase of the internet that has now passed because human women are too boring now to be pornstars.

My idea of porn is… the image below is a good start.

I’m into – since forever –

Vampires (See Ref) (The hat is not okay, I’d be cruel to you for wearing it and thats why we don’t hang out)

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Scary girls who are into strategy – based on myself – you see as a child I really enjoyed playing ‘Age of Empires’ – but more so ‘Age of Mythology’ – I liked to play these games because I enjoyed farming.

Scary girls with special abilities (I am not sexually attracted to her – I chose this image because it illustrates ‘vectors’ – non physical hands that can both go through and lift physical objects)

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I’d be into her mother fyi

 

Lucy – perhaps a subtle reference to Lucifer – is the original milf

B & G

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I’ma bit obsessed with Lina Iris Viktor’s work

Who else has ever truly been comparable to Klimt?

A few days ago Tupac wrote through me “I have NEVER seen a BLACK person” and then I saw this work and almost – almost cried. Almost

I haven’t even gotten to analysing the work, I’m stuck on how beautiful the colour gold looks in the absence of light. Or is black even an absence of light. Is it a void? Is it a shadow? I have no idea

Beauty has this ability (tendency?) to make you forget what hurts, I think

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[Image taken from google]

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[ref]

So. I know he’s alive. I know some people are alive.

I came downstairs and said to my mother “ma.. granma’s alive I had a dream about her”

She smiled and didn’t say “you’re wrong” – because she’s learned better than to argue with me about most things. Especially about granma. Granma ;[

So I think to Tupac – “um. what would bring you back?”

And he’d probably say “if i came back it’s not to be celebrity or a rapper because they’re sex slaves. they’re slaves to commodity. they’re able to afford to take people back home and they don’t. they pay taxes to the predecessors of the people that enslaved them. if i came back you probably wouldn’t know about it unless i visited lisa first. and lisa wouldn’t tell you because she doesn’t want people knowing her business either. i’m back – okay – im back”

“and im not your kind of people”
and i’d take offence and say “MY kind of people?”
and he’d say “i stay away cos you’d fall in love with me and Lisa would hit me for it”

Artists like Lina should stay away from artists like Tupac because when you get two deeply competitive people whose life’s work is to understand themselves – to express themselves – to learn new ways of expressing – excuse me i’m grimacing at the proles somewhere near by who are like, making those noises they make when they watch sports because it’s apparently difficult to enjoy sports and not act like an angry ape that got looked over in mating season

ah they’re quieter – oh – no, screaming again – ah a whistle – ah silence

you lose yourself in competing. When love is a control game you don’t make art for a good ten or so years. You can’t even if you want to

And it becomes a ‘did you write/paint/draw this or did I?’

It becomes a ‘did we have a child that time travelled to do this?’
‘If i critique this work am I negging that child?’
‘Would that child be offended that I didn’t neg them?’

Do you really need fame to know you’re perfect? Or who were you really looking for?

By the way Lina I think Tupac has a crush, this is how he crushes

james-superjumbo

Could this be her time travelling dad looking for his cast for the top secret series for A Book of Night Women? Archangel Michael anyone?

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I don’t think he’ll have issues with Ekko being the older one

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[ref]

only cartoons… only drawings…

“they don’t want you to feel pain because it makes you stronger”

Here’s something I did when I was doing my A Levels. I was about sixteen/seventeen/eighteen years old and MAYBE I DIDN’T DO IT.

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I wrote my own version of ‘Snow White’ – a few short sentences in the form of big pieces in many different styles as a response to the artists I researched for that particular sketchbook. I’d been studying Angela Carter for my English Literature AS. In my version, the ‘Evil Step Mother’ fed Snow White apples that had been laced with laxatives. She injected them.

Here are a few other bits from that time.

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This was a Jason Atomic/Luanne May Downs kind of inspired page in a big book I sewed together – that depicts Snow White throwing up. There’s a balloon in there – years later (as in earlier this year) I learned that there’s a procedure where people have a balloon inserted into them to help them lose weight. Someone I know went abroad to have one of those procedures and it came with a lot of complications.

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“The Evil Hunters dragged Snow White to the Forest”

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A close up

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Here I created my own stencil and used black spray paint and red paint and it’s supposed to be Snow White eating an apple laced with laxatives.

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This is the cover of the book – I was never a fan of the shades of blue acrylic provided by my college but thats what was available. I covered the book with a table-cloth esque kinda fabric that I bought at Hobby Craft.

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I was really into spray paint – so I got some lace fabric and messily laid it out on the card and using black and red I kind of used the fabric as a stencil.

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I was obsessed with this fabric – I made a few things with it. And these faux pearls also. I was always obsessed with pearls – when I lived in Dubai I watched a documentary about women who could dive to great depths to capture oysters that had pearls inside of them.

I used to go to Tescos with ma and I’d wander off… often. I was that kid – the one that walked off to ‘go get something’ and then magically appeared just in time, when she was paying at the till.  One time I went to the fish tending aisle and asked the guy working if he could help me open some oysters incase there was a pearl inside. (There never was)

Edited on Wednesday 12 Dec ’18

I recall doing my GCSEs and we were asked to analyse a poem by Carol Ann Duffy about Shakespeare and there was a line in there about the ‘guest bed’ and ‘diving for pearls’ and I think that all tied in. I like to connect everything I’ve learned

MY POST WAS FLAGGED!

I updated my tumblr with some scribbles. Very happy with mysel’

had some strange inner conflict with tumblr.

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there is a nudity regulation now – probably because kids are old enough to be using it. I don’t find that these images are of a sexual nature – but i know that to some kids they would be. kids wander around in Africa totally naked and no one is standing there perving over them. some of them can’t afford clothes. kids who are brought up by parents who haven’t grown beyond sexualising a naked body are stuck in childhood. that said, there may be muslim kids on tumblr and their parents won’t want them seeing naked bodies at all and i guess i respect that too. iunno. it’s too much to think about and obsess over.

here is me exploring my male self and i don’t think these images are sexual. but i get why tumblr doesnt want them on there.

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When I was little, my mother taught me that when she was in pain I ought to close my eyes and place a hand on the spot she felt pain in. Her feet.. usually. She would be in pain and I would place my hand on her and she’d say (I don’t know if she was telling the truth, my “family” aren’t very trustworthy – and we all have our reasons – but we make up for that with making your lives interesting and entertaining) that the pain was gone.

Anorexia and insomnia are the two illnesses I would refuse to heal, even if I could. Sometimes people have to learn to heal themselves.

 

If you’ve an issue with control, an issue with low self esteem, an issue with being alone…
Begin by loving yourself. Begin by accepting loneliness.

Loneliness is not the human condition.. sadly no one is ever alone. And the second you accept being alone, some sad person will say “i was there all along’ and you’ll say ‘why didn’t you say so?’ and they’ll say ‘so were others’

And you’ll be longing for that ‘loneliness’ but you won’t find it because of dickheads like Bruce Lee who teach you that we’re ‘ONE FAMILY’

NO BRUCE. NO. WE ARE MANY FAMILIES. ENJOY THE LONELINESS

If Bruce Lee comes out of hiding, and not Brandon/Sparky Polastri the first – he can stay hidden –

 

The thing about Lucifer – was Lucifer was waiting for the angels to come beg for forgiveness. Lucifer is still waiting. That is what Lucifer and I have in common. Waiting for our old friends to say “i’m sorry”. Believe and accept no truth that suggests you should forget the past or ‘let it go’ – if we forget the past we will also forget the lessons that the past has taught us. Do not LIVE in the past – do not use people to access a past that simply isn’t yours. Especially not without permission.

I will not be responsible for your children’s chosen lessons but where there has been abuse to the vulnerable I will pass them on to people who I would have said “the reason I’m not a parent is because I admire these qualities – this is what I think of when I hear the word ‘parent'” and then I’d have to put a lotttt of pictures in here and my teachers are so beautiful and have never been photographed looking how I believe they should be.

I wouldn’t PERSONALLY want to call any of my teachers parents because they all have rules that they live by and I can’t follow those rules – not because I disagree with them – but because I also have my own rules and one of my rules is to respect the rules of people who I know know better than I do

I admire the rules of a society that works – but I believe that there has to be a spectrum too. If you’re going to break the rules, for example if your parents say “DON’T DO DRUGS” – respect that those rules exist for a reason and break them if you have to, if you feel compelled to – but be able to justify it to someone you do consider a parent. And do not later make anyone responsible. If you buy drugs and they turn out to be ‘bad drugs’ – your responsibility is (if you are fortunate enough to survive) to tell the person that sold them to you ‘these are NOT okay’. If you take LEGAL highs and you exceed the stated dose, it is YOUR responsibility. Not the responsibility of the manufacturers. A dealer once sat with me and told me that MDMA is good the first fifteen times you do it – and it is no longer ‘good’ after that. I never developed an addiction, the only thing I will admit any kind of addiction to is cigarettes – not even weed, that I smoked non-stop for five years. That was not an addiction and also – I had no idea at the time – but I’d spent my life in absolute pain. People who stopped me from smoking weed did so with poor motivations and that means that they ‘took responsibility’ over someone who knew more than they did – they stole my autonomy and they are now responsible for absolute agony that I was in as a result of not being able to do drugs.

One time a social visitor met me and I told her I had been smoking weed – and I said ‘I haven’t taken a shit in two weeks – and she could see that I was in pain – I was literally aching because carrying that in your body hurts.’ The fact is that I had been carrying that kind of pain throughout my life. Do not get involved in situations unless you have been told to, by a being higher than you.

I said to a psychiatrist “have you experienced any of the stuff I have?” and she said “no” – so I said “then you are not qualified to help me”. She took that as a blow to her fragile ego and took revenge, privately, for that offence. It isn’t my business but she should not be doing that job anymore. I said to her when I first met her – that I was the Head of the Illuminati and that I was doing a service to psychiatry; they had no idea of who I was – they ASSUMED – and used me without permission or discussion and also ended up being responsible for a lot of rapes – as I was raped numerous times in the psychiatric ward on the sedatives I was forced to take instead of being given weed. Which is all I needed – actually needed.

When I started smoking weed – it was because I was in agony and someone said “it kills pain.” And they were correct. When I took acid, it was because I wanted to write a story. I took ketamine a few times – one of those times I had a spiritual experience that I was not prepared for and I was not in the right company for it – it was frightening and it was humiliating that people saw my body doing things that I wasn’t in control of.

The only being I’d call a parent would probably be Dark Source

The only thing Light Source has done for me with any success has been to help me grow wings when I was visualising for a GRAPHIC NOVEL. I have some weird independently moving thing on my back in time for my birthday. I was freaked the fuck out a bit and I still don’t fully feel ready to accept it but there is something there.

Sometimes I write about something online and it’s taken from me but if I’m writing about it online it’s because I’m trying to be happy about it. Someone out there doesn’t want me to be happy

To associate that kind of power with a person would be foolish

 

But I deserve an apology – from many – and if I do not get it, I assure you I’m passing on a message from God – you will lose your life, but not without experiencing the tortures that I was put through. And I do not believe in sedating people before a rape.

You’ve been warned, I’ve passed on a message. Always was one for Hermes.

HBD2M

I woke up naked. Unusual. I really like sleeping in stuff, since forever. I’m not a naked sleeper. And it’s quite uncommon for me to deviate from my usual behaviours. Oh, It must be this turning twenty nine business… me doing the same thing for my entire life (being lazy and talentless) and then suddenly not doing it anymore.

So weird, so – yesterday I was in the shower and I thought a person’s name – afew minutes later they burst through my mother’s door. Apparently she skipped one of those ‘christmas work parties’ so she could fetch me a cake for my birthday. So kind of her to do that. She didn’t wish me a happy birthday so I wonder what ulterior motives therein lie

At least I’ll have something to eat by myself in lieu of birthday celebrations, because I do not have friends. I do not want friends. I have had enough of the word ‘family’ too.

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Regarding me falling asleep naked – and completely sober – if you know, you know. If you don’t know – you’re going to know.

TROUBLE.

I have no secrets – I have literally no secrets. I do not tell lies either – if you want the truth you can trust me to tell you it but not if you’re too stupid to cope with it.

I am one of the most watched people in the World and through no choice of my own. I mean I have no issue with being watched but I demand cash for that kind of invasion of my privacy. I’m still waiting on it.

Actually I’m in tremendous pain around about my left ovary, where that NHS Doctor Sloper touched me up when I had a cold, and I never recovered. As a child I literally said “SHES A PERVERT!” – my mother’s response was to send me to the doctor. Insanity.

Completely and quite utterly unrelated:

I changed the layout of my teaching tumblr so you can READ what I write beside my posts. I am not going to write the name for my alterego here, in case a child decides to google it.

If you have STOLEN children (I don’t mean physically kidnapping them either) and they are looking for me – and they do do that – kids always return to their real parents.

Please tell them that unless they chose the kind of parents who appreciate the ARTS – that is can discuss the arts the way I would expect cultured people to be able to – they absolutely should not be reading this blog, unless they are the kind of child to dialogue with ‘their parents’ about the things they see on the internet – and you can explain to them that I use photoshop to edit the light/colours I edit my photographs with. I certainly don’t look like this all the time and I don’t want them to think that I think that THEY should either. And it repulses me to think I ought to say it at all – but I do not want children sexualising the human body. LOOK at the human body – sure – OBSERVE it – appreciate that skin is an ORGAN and that hair is an ORGAN – but do not sexualise either.

Sexualising the human body is something people do when they want BABIES. It is NOT a form of RECREATION. Sex is NOT a means of expressing LOVE.

If you have children, please inform them that they are more than welcome to read THIS blog. If you are running stuff for google, please keep your search engines from associating this blog and that blog.