I got all the boring, mostly talentless versions of the most amazing “human” thats ever existed, so whenever we do hang out can you be the very best/worst version of the person that you wanted to be pls. and I’m a vampire so I won’t be rude enough to die on you whenever you’re having a shit time. Because people do have to have a shit time to become strong, especially our weird soul. But I know our script and I’ve got all the best spiritual teachers to help you through your hard times. Even in death you’re the most ridiculously sensitive person, which is weird because every you I’ve met seemed kind of heartless and quite terribly dressed (I know you hate photos of you when you’re overweight but I’d of fancied you all the same, if I’d of known that you even knew I existed.) (See – learning how to avoid a fear of disappointment meant that I only really crushed on people I happily knew I’d never be with) (If I’d of thought for a moment that someone like you could’ve liked me, you’d probably of become so self obsessed that nothing could kill you) (and then you’d of probably kept some significant distance because of all the attention) (I lived out our karma with other people and it never really went that well for me)

I know it bothered you that Isabelle liked your art more than she liked you, and if I’d of ever known you I’d of told you that you were having a pretty ridiculous temper tantrum because she was already completely adoring of you – probably more than anyone or anything else. We’d probably of ganged up on you a lot actually, and you’d of enjoyed it because I know you love attention.Screen Shot 2018-08-10 at 16.06.09

It’s funny that whenever I met fragments of you, I actually really liked them for their personalities – not because they were nice, they were never nice… but because they were often quite unique (you have to be, to attract me!), rather than their talents. The thing that made this-you so incredible was that you could pull off being a bit terrible because you really were a creative genius.

Maybe no one else knows it, but I know it – that Isabelle had the perfect Warhol’s factory life planned out for me.

I know Isabella Blow was planning a life for me ♥️ taken from McQueen and I. I’d of found their weird arguments absolutely hilarious. I’d of run around for an hour or two a day, arranged for fantastic cakes and sandwiches and alcoholic hot chocolates, taken a million photos in various states of undress with all my girl crushes for my blogs on my favourite alt-porn sites and then slept for hours in a pile of skull scarves … and then I’d have woken up surrounded by people who didn’t even notice I’d fallen asleep and politely excuse myself to order junk food, watch all the anime and Disney and edit the photos and fall asleep completely and happily alone in some fantastic ten person bed, surrounded by my favourite belongings. MY PIGEON 😭I tumblr’d once about all the lost icons. This planet is such a fucking mess. We destroy the amazing people that make life exciting and fantastic and funny and interesting and worship the boring people. Ugh I keep bouncing from being upset about what could’ve been – and what is – and what could be. Being happy for a moment is nice, though. Imagine having his brain? People like that happen …once… every few thousand? Million? years or so. I know happiness is a choice but I also really, really know she was planning a life for me. Do you know the kind of guts it takes to actually walk around dressed like that? To pull off that kind of personality? She was probably really, really easy to despise but she probably got the people she came across to not be dull – and that’s more important than you think. I can’t imagine she was a person you’d ever have forgotten meeting.

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I’m going to TRY and return the favour.

A fragment of us designed this hoody. It makes a lot more sense now.

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This came out for you two/us two.

Oh god it makes so much sense to anyone observing your weird dynamic. You really did need me in your lives though. YOU’D STILL BE AROUND!!!! (Cos I’m technically a much bigger deal than both of you but not as talented as you are, or as wealthy or diva-ish as she is – BUT I GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING. Get me thin enough and there is NO OUTFIT that I cannot pull off.)

Levi and Blood are both me, but I know my future kids want to look how I was supposed to (my lips were always quite big, but my teeth were way too small – haha, vampire – and I was born with eyes that went from blue to green… and then brown…?) And I guess I should take it as a compliment that she might want to look like me because I find her beautiful.
I don’t for a minute believe she’s anything like the badly brought up versions of her that I’ve met, because they’ve never appreciated people for their art or talents – they were just users. But she was so clearly obsessed and in love with you and your vision and I think she’d be fantastic.

Just for a second, future Miss B can have this song – cos we know I’m Lil Kim. Like I could at this point write a huge essay reflecting on the butterfly effect and the correlation between her experiences and mine but that’d be showing off.
I am a bit of a show off. But I wasn’t born that way, I was brought up that way

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DMHO49MP99U

FYI if you two would’ve waited for – literally – like, seven? more years (I know you saw my childhood, and I know she must’ve seen her own childhood in what she saw of mine – so couldn’t you of waited!?!?!) I’d of really appreciated it. You’d of become a vampire and we’d be royalty to the most hated country in the world. AND YOU COULD’VE PICKED ALL OF MY CLOTHES. Which really seems to bother the yous that I know. I think the capacity for having a sense of taste and style – for our particular fragment went directly to you and Karl Lagerfeld, and that’s probably why I only started looking sort-of good once you had passed.
I think ALL the nice in our fragment probably ended up in me. Which is the worst, if I’m honest. I don’t need this much nice.

Ass

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I NOTICED THAT CARDIGAN PHOTO, ALEXANDER. >:)
I haven’t seen a photo of you in brogues though. Which is rude.

I would’ve been obsessed with your bestfriend and everything (other yous have terrible taste in friends, myself included)

I’ve found a female version of your mum – and brother – trapped in a man’s body and everything. You’re going to that spiritual school I went to – the girl’s one – and you’ll wear that hideous skirt AND LIKE IT, ballet school, fashion school, film school and you’re joining the military – and you’re finishing. It’s not optional. You might get bullied, because people have a tendency to get jealous of us – and never really admit the fact – but you’ll be fine.
And then – after you acquire a decent rank in the military, you can claim your label back. Maybe. Oh, and you can marry Blue AND North. And if you even try to date anyone else I swear on my life I will throw a hot wok at your thirty-year-old-virgin face and kick you out of the house for three days. You’ll probably be stalked by Israeli military or something, who’ll spread lots of gossip about how you got kicked out of the house and started going ~weird~ because you didn’t have any drugs on you. (People love to create rumours about us, but learn to enjoy that, too)
And I know you’ll hate being kicked out of the house, because you love being by yourself in your bedroom, pretending no one knows you’re doing drugs.

But this time around, no one can make you do anything stupid on those drugs because I’ll be able to teach you about telepathy and we’ll make sure you’re given the most incredible Pleaidian guides – who will quite happily occupy the people that invade your inner space.

I don’t imagine you’ll ever go back far enough in my blog to actually read this, or that if you do you’ll get a massive paranoid freak out that everyone thinks you’re a virgin. DW everyone knows our fragment usually loses their virginity at about fifteen years old (That’s if someone doesn’t sexually molest us as an infant) – and that won’t happen to you because all the sex offenders/abusers I’ve known have met some kind of terrible consequence for it and nobody wants that.)

you’re writing your own eulogy, I know you’re that pretentious

 

Do you know how you can tell if someone’s viewed your art? I mean if they’re a musician or a film maker or something?

Their work synchronises with yours. So I did a reaaaally weird dance when I was occupied by my alien guide – if I play the song I did the weird dance to I can tell whose seen it. It all synchronises. And people whose art I’ve seen or listened to could probably synchronise with that. Science/Art/Magic are the same thingggg

I said this ages ago and someone was like “Wat” – she’s made zero interesting discoveries in her life so, wat indeed

It synchronises with everything I’ve ever seen

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When I was little I had an outerbody experience – I came across a dead kitten on a roof with blood leaking out of it’s nose and got lost staring at the slowly congealing blood. I saw myself watching myself staring at the cat. We swapped bodies.

So when I say I judge “cat people” it really means something. Loyalty is inherent in dogs and that is a quality I really admire and thats why I’m a “dog person”. If you died in your apartment your cats would see you as a snack if they got hungry enough.

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I sent this to a bitch on godsgirls. all the old bitches that bullied me when i was like seventeen/eighteen. They’re all married/dating ugly guys and they’re boring AF. They got really mad at me (this wasn’t the real reason but lets pretend) because I faked an ID to do softcore porn. As if they hadn’t all faked IDs and fucked older guys. At least faking legal documents can get you a job with the secret services. Also I imagine that most of them are by some coincidence quite infertile, or they’ve stolen eggs. Or they’re fragments of me.

I once had a dream about an artist in Farnham – a very old lady. I met her and she asked if I knew how old she was. She said “I’m very, very old” – and later in the dream she told me her name was Priscilla. She took me and an ex to her home and he was washing her dishes while Tintin was wandering around. She went up to her bedroom and lay down to die. As I went up her stairs looking for her, a ghost form of her was standing in front of me and it did the terrifying ghost scream and a voice said “have no fear” and my instinct (in what might’ve been the most scary moment of my life at the time) was to hug her really tight. (A lot of guys stole that as a coming-out to girls about being able to leave my body chat up line, but it’s actually in many religions books)

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She settled down, turned around and went back up the stairs and I followed her and saw the dead body lying peacefully in bed.
I literally delivered that soul fragment myself.

Then a Godsgirl I had really fancied, who had never bullied me outside of her normal pretty-rude-to-everyone behaviour – ended up having one of the most beautiful little girls. >> You can see her kids here <<

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And her name is Priscilla. Her older sister is an A-B. Those kids are actually mine and Annaliese’s – everyone knows I lost a few, but so did she – but y’know, keep it in the fragment-family.

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I’ve always said that my favourite character was Aeris, in Final Fantasy Seven. She’s an ancient – they’re called “Cetra”.

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We actually have lots of different forms – our soul splits up into the many bodies across the Planet to convey aspects of our personality in order to find our twinflames. So I’d say that Aeris’ twinflame and most elevated point of growth would’ve been Sephiroth. A male version of her.

(Now imagine a male version of you in a girl’s body and it all gets a little confusing doesn’t it?)

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It’s really karmically conceptual but how does someone so strong happen? Iunno, probably by being ganged up on by people they really admired and obsessed about all day. But it’s no surprise that when I lost interest in all the amazing girls that got naked online and talked about their lives … the whole thing died. No one really gave a fuck about softcore pornstars.

“make up artists” though, amirite? SO NOSEY.

I only ever needed lip injections … which shouldn’t of been that big a deal to a load of girls in their late twenties who’d had their breasts augmented and assholes bleached

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_K36y-iLUk
Thanks Kim for bringing fat asses in because mine was always an issue.

The weird names we give ourselves all link together. Thats why I invented a religion that encompasses the archetypes of our time. Everything links together.

I can thank the etymological dictionary I stole from the spiritual school I went to a million years ago. (Google “etymological”, I’ll give you a second)

Also I think Benefit and Sephora – was it? Would probably be really insulted if you suggested they’re all the same thing. They’re not. But what do I know about anything, I only dragged millions of people into an incredible enlightenment about planetary existence. Slutever amirite

I mean that’s not really my revenge, my revenge is that I’m an actual vampire and you’re just a tacky goth and also you’ll never be with your “the one” because I’m a fragment of your the one. I’ve been genuinely good and loving to most people and mine still kind of ended up having me gangraped and tortured – so… fuck knows what yours would do to you. In the words of my fantastic spiritual teacher Lisa “you’ll never be together, he’s too controlling”

That I ammmmmmm

Levi says he wants to be the girl dancing with a fan at 2:33. If you can’t dance with a fan you can’t dance with a sword or two. Also the only people bitchier than the people in the fashion industry are dance teachers.

And it makes sense to me, because I know he did my bun in this photo – and I know this photo doesn’t really look like me. And no matter how hard I try I can’t get my hair to look like this.

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So at uni there were a few really great film makers, they made a music video. Around about this time I was already depressed and I wasn’t going out looking good… so thats why everyone looks so boring and terrible. Including me!

In this… me and an old friend jump onto a mattress with a boy called “Lee” sleeping on it. There are feathers. It was sort of edited out, by some coincidence, but theres a particular pivott movement that I did where I kinda turned on my feet – and he always says thats his signature move. He doesn’t wear shoes with a sole-print on (I have a pair of thigh high boots that he doesn’t like me wearing much because he wants them) so that he can pivot like that.

Also feathers are an Anubis thing.

One time after a huge fight with my mother – I’d been really, really nasty to her. I sat outside the front door and opened a book and a white feather fell from the sky into my book.

You’ll probably never see me physically fight someone (if I’m in the right mood I’ll win, if I’m in the wrong mood I’ll let you win) but if you’ve ever seen me have a proper argument … iunno. I’d win. Unless I pitied you. Or fancied you. It’s fancying people that gets me into shit.

I wrote about this recently – like a few days ago – if you have friends that want to date each other, don’t make a big deal of it. Don’t stop speaking to them out of jealousy. Just be honest about how you feel and let them date, even if/especially if you harbour weird feelings. People grow in and through their interactions and maybe years later you could work, when they’ve grown through their lessons and when you’ve grown through some of yours

Obviously this doesn’t change my life, like I will never forgive what was done to me, it’s just something I’ve learned

I just found some old photographs I took of a suicidegirl when I was seventeen years old
>> ref <<

I made the dress from a piece of canvas (I like structured dresses that create weird silhouettes – on skinny people) and I pinned it with a safety pin – the waistbelt that held it together was actually a Kyri corset that I stole off my sister – though I’m sure she’d of preferred for me not to clarify that because that totally wasn’t her style. The other stuff was the model’s own.

I used to call myself ‘CC’ – I liked a photographer called “Lithium Picnic” a lot and it was sort of an homage. I even got the same camera as him. 20d, I think. A friend of mine knew I was obsessed with cupcakes and things (THAT IS HOW THEY HAPPENED ON THE INTERNET. REALLY.) and he said “why don’t you call yourself caesium cupcake?”

I guess that connection between myself, my spiritual teacher Lisa – one of her names is CC – Coco Chanel and Anna Karina (The actress) is kinda meta, isn’t it? Also Capsule Corps, if you’re into Dragon Ball Z.

At the time of taking this, the colours red and blue were really important to me. I noticed that they made me happy for a few years – I was in a relationship where we spent most of our time napping, eating or watching films and I used to spend the entire time looking out for that colour combination. It’s perfect in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Moulin Rouge.

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It was really quite brave of her to model this outfit in the streets actually.

A link to my work or some kind of credit would’ve been nice. No one ever bothered crediting me… unless it was a certain someone who liked to take ugly photographs of me. I mean – they were good photos technically but I looked bad in them and I know she got some kind of enjoyment out of that.

I did get up to so much as a kid. And then University happened and it destroyed me.

But about this photo – years later at University, I’d learn about Klytie and Apollo… I wrote a weird poem that people thought was about me (it was NOT about me) and a male fragment of the sun. So isn’t it interesting how the sun is such a big deal in this? She’s carrying sunflowers and everything.


It is possible to co-create art and realise that the meanings much later. A good education is kind of everything because of the interactions and conversations you have with other people. The downside is that you probably have to spend years recovering from those interactions.

you’re the Mc Q U E E N | I’m the Mc K I N G (J’amie related joke)

When I had my spiritual awakening, I was told that my twin had committed suicide.
At the time, he actually told me he was going to do it.

I used to listen to this a lot in my late teens

And in my earlier teens I listened to this


He said he’d come back and we’d be together but that it wouldn’t ever be how it was supposed to (Then I got a new twin and he was a piece of shit, I taught him about the butterfly effect and the importance of feeling – we lived out our karma in a few years sort of – and I got given a new one)

So. Imagine how it is for Willow and Jaden (Kwami) being twinflames and brother and sister.

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Sometimes your “the one” is your kid. Sometimes your “the one” is your bestfriend from a million years ago (he wouldn’t date me because I was ‘too young’ – which is code for I ‘needed lip injections’ and my parents refused to give me cash to buy nice things because they were spending so much money on my sister) will never speak to you again’s kid that hasn’t been born yet, can time travel and occupy people – whether it’s for fun times, for ruining lives or controlling her future boyfriends. She’s really, really autistic.

Time isn’t linear -_-

Especially not for people who do/have done drugs


You need to watch this

I was at London College of Fashion when he died.

I did these illustrations around and slightly before that time.

“Shall we dance” is a lyric from “the King and I” also no one should dance wearing a dress like this. this is a dress for delicately stumbling around drunkenly, making parties/hallways look beautiful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgVPnWmUqd4

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I find it amusing that she’s wearing flats but theres an invisible heel beside her foot. I do not look good in flats.
(Things you didn’t know – I’m a better dancer than you. Unless I’m being occupied by aliens or kids from the future etc. Levi is a better dancer than me though, but don’t tell anyone – there’s a really competitive girl he likes that dances and he’s got a plan to bust it out.)

Also I do not dance with people. I only dance alone. thx.

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After I quit London College of Fashion, soon after McQueen had died – I met two guys, and I was quite in love with both of them. One of them read the tattoo on my arm (A Shakespeare quote that says “These Violent Delights” – but he read it as “These Vitamin Donuts”)
I had gotten the tattoo after a break up, it’s a Shakespeare quote about falling in love too soon. It also appears in a Stephanie Meyer novel. But it was most notable in this song

I had unprotected sex with both of these guys within a very short timeframe and ended up pregnant. It takes at least three to get pregnant.
My only friend at the time joked that the baby was an “alien”. I told one of the guys I’d had sex with about it and he called it “Skree” – like the noise Alien makes.

I did this before that conversation.
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This is a scribble I did over Lily Cole. I should really scan the full pages at some point.

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I did this years later at Film School. I called it “Gustav Klimt’s less attractive European sex slave cousin, four times removed” Which wasn’t a reflection of my feelings about my illustration, more just me putting myself down because who can really compare to a Klimt illustration? I actually think she’s quite pretty.

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I think this style of drippy watercolour is quite inspired by Marilyn Manson’s work. Years after I did these I came across a music video that had the pink haired girl in it. Prettier in person of course. I assume, I mean I never actually saw her in person

Sorry if I sound bitter, I spent about ten years of my life being obsessed with him and when I finally hung out with him he couldn’t even bother verbally telling me I had a splotch of red fake blood on my nose and I got kind of pissed off afterwards because I realised I couldn’t trust him or his bitchtroll sister.

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I was pursuing her ex boyfriend. He is so out of my league.

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And then some time later I did this, in 7A West Street – the flat that appeared in lots of art before I ever moved in – before I died. It’s funny – I said “this flat (and the furniture in my bedroom is going to be worth a fortune“) My Pleidian guide authored a pretty poetic version of the story in Genesis trying to explain how the Planet happened on a chest of drawers.
Of course it’s probably all been trashed. haha.

I love her almond up eyes

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I watched Chocolat and started illustrating stuff. I later realised theres a “Chocolat” poster in “Blood the Last Vampire” – an anime that was made for me. The first time I got pregnant was around about the same time I first watched it.

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I had my spiritual awakening in a flat that looked terrifyingly similar to the apartment in Silent Hill 4 – I spent the last summer with my first real boyfriend alternating between naps, Silent Hill 4 and Harvest Moon. I feel like McQueen must’ve been watching me play, because it’s so obvious his shows were inspired by Silent Hill and the GodsGirls Girls-only forums.


Everyone’s in there


I keep telling people that my future kids are fragments of me that have been murdered – and that they’re coming back to tell the truth. You might be us, you might project onto us, we’re better rolemodels than … oh iunno. you know.


When I was super high, YEARS AGO – Levi wrote >> this << for me and a few other people. Like if it’s for you or a fragment of you, you’ll know

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