When I was younger – I wanted to have my legs shaved down. I was FOURTEEN years old and I, with my mother, said to a doctor “I want to have the muscle removed from my legs” because all the girls I knew had skinny legs. I played Street Fighter and my brother telepathically said “she has big legs and you fancy her, don’t you?” “yes”
I preferred playing as Sakura.
I liked playing as Rose too but a girl called Amy stole her from me because she was shit at Street Fighter and the scarf move gave her distance.
Then this was aired at 3AM in Paraguay when I visited Granma.
RUSSELL BRANDS BITCHWIFE STARTED EMBROIDERING THIS SHIT AFTER I ORDERED TOWELS WITH THE WORDS BLOOD RARE ON THEM. INSPIRED BY MY GRANMA CONCHITA WHO SEWED CUSHIONS FOR ME.
It’s fine, I chose – when she stole my character – badly
This is our signature move. The hair flip.
Which later inspired LEVI.
First things first. I’m cheating on Alexander McQueen. (He is gay. It’d start out with me playing dress up in his performance art mansion where he’d host as fashion aristocracy (because Karl is fashion royalty) all sorts of beautiful people making art and being art and eating ONLY art ALL DAY. He would eventually get bored and mind control me to have a sex change of sorts and we’d be responsible for unleashing to the world some of the most ridiculously beautiful people ever to have existed. And then he’d probably lose interest again (because that is the nature of fashion, that is the nature of artists) and I’d say “I HAD A SEX CHANGE FOR YOU!!!” and he’d say “HAVE ANOTHER” and guiltlessly so, because that is his honest self, because I value honesty and genius that accompanies cruelty, because I look for people that can TAKE MY ABUSE. And it’d be my fault if I agreed to it, because who the hell just does something like that because they’re influenced to? I’m a performance artist too, inside, damnit)
I WOULD have sex with Alexander McQueen, but he would be USING me to make people jealous. Thats it. He didn’t love himself until recently, when I really got upset that I thought he’d died and I actually really felt towards the him that probably created of him that artist. The him that was a bit chubby and terribly attired. This genius that could (WATCH PAPRIKA.) envision beautiful clothes for women, and still be so understated and really that wasn’t him. He didn’t like men’s clothes. He didn’t even have a chance to be himself.
If we got together prematurely, he’d LEAVE me for someone “BETTER”. And if he found someone “BETTER” I’d be like “oh. god, i won’t compete with that.” First of all, I’m HONEST. I’m a bitch but when I’m a bitch I am SO honest.
And then there might be some part of him that thinks “Why isn’t she fighting for me?” WELL ALEXANDER. The issue with loving people is you just think they’re right about EVERYTHING. (Well, me, thats what I do, when I love people. I listen to them. I stupidly fucking listen to them. ALSO. WHY NOT IZZY. WHY HAVE YOU NOT DATED IZZY. She was married, he’d say. Technically she is still married. Why didn’t you date both? SHUT UP
If you love someone, let them go if they want to go. If you really love someone you value their right to GROW. If someone picks someone else over you, and you know you are the one that can show them the love you know that they deserve – and they choose someone else – they are not ready for you. You might be a lesson they have to hold onto forever. A lesson that has them sitting in a rocking chair going backwards and forwards in some sad OAPs home because they were uncomfortable that you had more body hair than some bitch called ‘laura’ or ’emma’ or ‘rachel’ or ‘liz’ or – god – give me a name that sums up the hairless white-looking woman with a tan? (I have room in my life for one or maybe two of those, and they better be more magical than I am because otherwise I’d find them all quite annoying and what a genetic holocaust that would be.) (I have been called stupid my entire life, but at least I know that two dark haired people can’t have a blonde child.) (Were you defending a blonde to steal that child?) (Don’t worry – you can give her back all her blonde kids, and I’ll be having one of my Levis.) (Unless she says “no, I prefer this one – and you can let them keep those kids. Trust me: they despise of their parents.) (I’d reply “Good, because he knows what he wants and I think he makes good decisions. He deserves to feel wanted.”)
Whats that line? I’m the price you had to pay (If you have to ‘abuse’ someone to get a child, say “i’d rather fucking not.”) (Unless you were abused by that person first and you’re being KIND by returning the favour. Guilt is HELL.)
Before you shit your lingerie – I can’t actually afford Alexander McQueen, I’m not REALLY cheating on Alexander McQueen. And if I were to cheat on him he’d be using me to cheat.
But once: I paid him in attention. For what? I have no fucking clue, to help him shit? Like it’s a compliment? To help him design? (LETS BE HONEST. I WANTED CLOTHES LIKE THE ONES THEY HAD IN FINAL FANTASY AND I COULDN’T GET THEM. YOU CAN DESIGN CLOTHES LIKE THAT MCQUEEN, BUT YOU WON’T FIND MANY PEOPLE THAT KNOW HOW TO WEAR THEM. DO YOU THINK CHERRENE AND HER FRIENDS WERE GOING TO BUY YOUR CLOTHES? THEY WORE SHIT LIKE THIS. IN PUBLIC.)
I will say though, these were a trend started by two Jewish sisters. I read through their ‘about me’ page on their site.
Let me, um. Get thsssspechificc about what I KNOW I did for you.
ONLY I CAN TAKE THIS (AND LOVE IT)
AND THIS (AND LOVE IT)
And turn it into a cardigan donning PERFECT ANGEL.
“no loyalty” MY ASS.
I will show you “no loyalty”. You and my old friends – further back than I care to remember anymore – that waited for ME to disappear to ‘do me’.
I used >>PaletteGenerator<< To find these colours.
How fantastic are these colour pallettes? (I learned that word from Pokémon I think. I misspelt pallettes but how beautiful are double L’s and double T’s?)
The designers that watched my visions and saw the look I imagined for myself and made sure I didn’t get the things I DREAMED of having.
"don't worry, it's not finished", is the thing it took me years to say to myself about every single piece of art in my room. In fact every single piece of art I have ever done, I have felt insecure about. If you feel insecure showing your work, that is the best motivation you have to get better at creating. If you created a piece of art in a DAY, that is not an art. It is a creative journal entry. You keep adding to it. Journal entries might even BE your art, in which case you should keep making them. I like to add three things to every page of a sketchbook everytime I open it. Even if it is a few dots, a slightly more dramatic eye sparkle. The right thing to say is "this is an art, it is incomplete but it will evolve, and when I feel to: I add something towards it." I don't know what musicians are doing, releasing new albums every fucking year. You felt all of this in a year? DID YOU? No. RERELEASE ALBUMS.
I wanted to manifest a style and an artist's identity when I started listening to Esther Hicks. I wanted an Art Gallery in a Squat. I wanted to design a game. There are things I wanted to do and apparently in teaching myself to animate, a lot of little kids very creepy dads started picking up the skill too - and without in any way crediting me but making sure that their kids weird play videos were seen by me. It is great that I've given so many parents ideas for how to bond with their kids though, I hope that has lessened their kids suffering. Deeper down I hope with all of my heart that those kids parents are not pedophiles. To be clear - a pedophile is a sex criminal - a person who doesn't even give a child the chance to knowingly consent or otherwise to a physical or non-physical relationship of any kind. Who doesn't tell the child the truth before that child makes contact with them that the adult will perceive as sexual. It is very likely that child has no idea that they are doing something sexual because children are not sexual beings. I am going to embarrass someone here - but I do so only out of love and kindness and it is an invitation to come back and be the head of my family if you so choose to forgive my weird family for the sake of my aunt who was & is loyal to you, if a bit of a material girl. I don't think she believed for one moment that you had really passed. The 'psychic' gene comes from both sides of my family. That is, we had to learn to use intuition because if you are really from a family of many generations of humanitarian work or power, you need to go by more than physical evidence if you want to survive. It is something of a gift that you develop over many, many generations. Unless you are connected to me - my first impression used to be absolutely flawless until the police, the army, the princes of uk etc started stalking me with such tremendous efforts that they didn't consider that I was a distraction. Kind of like this healer archetype. I have been able to channel spirit since I was an infant. A non-related relative once was certain that I was the reincarnation of a wife he loved very, very much who he thought had passed away. Well I will tell you that I have no doubts that she was trying to communicate but that she did so unethically. I can forgive anything once I have the truth. But it's a choice. (Hurting my animals, hurting my older brother - is something I assure you that no one who knew either my animals nor my brother will forgive you for. Maybe my 'sister', but she's a MESS. She has not loved ANYTHING. IN HER ENTIRE LIFE. but as far as my animals and my brother go, if you hurt either, you have made an enemy of all the little girls that would say "my friends (I was not) older brother Omar will kill you if you hurt me" and they MEANT it.) When you are a child you learn - if I tell the truth about this naughty thing, I've done.. it is likely I will be punished for it. Cause and Affect/Effect. Consequence. That can be frightening and it can deter you from telling the truth, but you also need to learn in LIFE - that if you DON'T tell the truth, it will eventually be found out. You cannot hide the truth. The consequences are often much worse, if you keep what you've done a secret. It makes sense that our british princes would have run from the truth, would have arranged for the police to abuse my brother and i, would have arranged for the military to abuse us. I return to this relative: I think he married me to save me a lot of shit, thinking with sincerity that I was someone I was CHANNELLING. I once wrote in a blog that those that you love but are not around are energies that you pour into people that you speak to. If you spend all your time thinking about somebody, you will make the person that you project that love onto that person. I used to sit on his lap and tense/relax and somehow I had prematurely learned to enjoy that physical sensation and I am entirely mortified that I did that to him. I mean obviously there was weird stuff going on - it was either my mother or my sister that were encouraging me to do that, or someone who was time travelling that I would have had to of trusted as some kind of authority. But imagine if you had plenty of reason to truly believe that a child was the reincarnation of a person that you had lost - to the point that you'd say so in a religious court - what could really stop you from interacting with that child as you would have with the person that you had loved and lost? The police only matter to a solipsist if they have attempted to give themselves significance. Some people are desperate for significance. I was sexually molested and stalked by police who might have given tax payers all sorts of excuses to escape the reality that they were suffering with addiction. I am gifted in that I can help ANYONE overcome a physical addiction - I can help people get over any drug or habit that i do not have myself. The sacrifice though, for me, isn't always worth it. (Like you need to be hot, incredible etc - for me to be okay with it) (the police know that the second that they put on that weird little outfit, or start doing the undercover cop thing, they are essentially walking irritation, they are acne on the skin of this country, the are unattractive. So they use people they've touched without permission to remotely view people.) Those Alcoholic Anonymous sorts that Russell Brand hangs out with are a very controlling and weird cult that to an extent keep society safe but to help an addict you have to have been one. I think it is sad that my belongings - belongings I had collected at great personal expense to myself and my being were either left in a flat occupied by people that had no idea of their value (Five thousand pounds or so worth of Saffron flowers that had been individually picked in Syria - my stupid parent didn't have a clue as to how much Saffron was worth.) and either sold them or trashed them. Promise that some of my belongings are worth more than most of the people's worth walking through that flat. I'm sure my old landlord is mortified that he showed off that a girl whose "dad was in iron maiden" was occupying a room of that flat. Is that how you all introduce yourselves? Through your parents accomplishments? Is that how you feign status? Your parents might be epic, but if they are celebrities of any kind I advise that you do not go around telling people, no matter how proud you are, because it is a risk to your personal safety. And your "friends" personal safety. (Unless your dad went around saying "I'm in Iron Maiden") I still do. The issue is that everything I wanted seemed to be assumed by someone that was listening in without permission. First I will have to manifest privacy. Consequences met to those who without invitation invade my privacy, thoughts, inner sight etc.
IT OKAY BECOTH I FIND BEAUTY WHERE OTHER PEOPLE DONTNAE FINDAE THAE BEAUTAE.
DEAD FLOWERS. THE FAKE STUFF. THE TACKY, CHEAP STUFF.
(You want to tell me that my sister and her friends were the kind of people to ‘really like’ artists like Vince Ray?) (I once saw a metal trunk full of invitations that I helped to put in envelopes for events at a club called ‘AURA’ or something, it had invitations that had been illustrated using a Vince Ray graphic novel. SOo00000oo0o CHERRENE AND HER FREIHASNDKSFDSSSSSSS isnt it) (You chose the most DISGUSTING kinds of people over me – the insult of that will never go. EVER.)
[ref, image accessed 17 August 2019]
Are you sure my “sister” was paying for those Alexander McQueen scarves with her Harrods salary? ARE YOU QUITE CERTAIN. She’s a fucking whore! (OR was she whoring someone else out?) (perhaps a few of their artist friends?)
There’s this line in Memoirs of a Geisha where Mameha says to Saiyuri after she’s been molested abit “YOU SOLD YOURSELF FOR A KIMONO?!”
And she’s like “I AM NACHT WORTHLESS” cos she really didn’t.
I liked Saiyuri because she had blue eyes and black hair and her character fell off a roof and she was reduced to nothing throughout her youth because someone encouraged her to do something stupid – and she did so to chase after a sister that didn’t give a shit about anyone but herself.
I liked Hatsumomo more – because she paid for fucking everything. Pumpkin wanted a HAUSU but didn’t put the work into having that HAUSU. Hatsumomo just wanted to love. She did not perform kindness, she was a cold hearted bitch and she made sure you knew that.
This skirt was RIPPED OFF FINAL FANTASY X-2. THE ONE I REFUSED TO PLAY FOR SOME REASON. All I wanted was to look like this. I used to cut my hair myself, but also I’d ask hairdressers to cut my hair but leave a bit longer, for the plait when I got negged for my hair.
WHAT CAN ARTISTS LEARN FROM MATHEMATICIANS? Me included btw – but when I showed this I did say “these are not ALL of my illustrations, SOME ARE – these were taken from a storybook” but I didnt credit the artists, photographers etc.
In life you ought to value that kind of honesty – I always did. But it came with a threat – “I am the biggest regret of your life.”
I was meant to buy an iPhone. Just an iPhone 7, to replace the one that was removed from my room. It’ll be replaced again because stealing my things has really scary consequences. Ask all the people that have stolen from me.
I used my iPhone as a camera and an mp3. I chose THESE. There’s just so much I~N~S~P~I~R~A~T~I~O~N. I mean you could, quite honestly, base a whole collection on these shapes, colours, textures.
It’s Tom Ford’s (CAN YOU TELL OR NO?) and it makes me smell good. And it makes me shiny. It’s not a pour on oil, it’s a perfume bottle, or I’d make one of those very tacky videos of me pouring liquid gold on myself.
I have been dressing up and putting photos of myself in various states of nudity on the internet since I was about fifteen years old, and if you ‘did not know that’ you are lying. Or you are from somewhere in Vietnam and you genuinely don’t know me or of me because you don’t have access to the internet. That is one of the excuses they used to section me.
No but, uh, this is about more than that. Actually it isn’t, I’m still fucked up over everything. The damage of this card is real. If you’re not arranging for me to be compensated, it’s because you’re going through something similar.
If only because – I promise you – the person that’s been stabbed in the back that many times – the subject in the card is ALIVE. You know that video of that woman, singing on the table dancing in front of a webcam? She knocks the table over and then she rolls around on the floor a bit cos she’s in pain and uh, yeah.
I’ve spent my life recovering from something.
Check out me Jabba the Hut earphones. Apparently you can wear them upto a meter under water, and I’ll do so when the suns next out. I live by the beach. I also need goggles.
You didn’t know that I am a very strong swimmer, did you. That if you were to go unconscious I would occupy you and swim you to wherever you needed to go. I can go through currents and I promise, the jelly fish will avoid you.
I’m not talking to her at the moment, but Susie Whitaker sewed into her photography and in part that is what I was thinking of when I sewed into this scribble. I was also thinking of the cute boy in that speech Oprah did at Harvard that was sitting behind someone that looks like my uncle Carlos. It is an old scribble, and if you know whats been going on lately you’d know how weird it is. I like going back to things and working on top of them and thats something I learned from Steve Littman, a lecturer at Uni that guided me through my BA.
If you want to DEFEND a BLONDE – do so by TELLING THE TRUTH.
Not by hurting the person that they HURT.
This is a snapshot of art and ideally it will speak to people who were given sex changes as infants because mummy or daddy wanted a daughter (in some cultures having a daughter is death, in others it is very lucrative. Have a daughter that you treat well, have another daughter that you sell.) or even to women who didn’t get to be with the ‘posh’ english boy that they wanted because they were too hairy. I mean the excuses are endless but that’s really what it boils down to.
It is fine, because I know your hairless girlfriends feel nothing when you “fuck” them.
If I have ever consented to you snuggling me while I am in some kind of comatose sleep, if you have ever convinced yourself I was subliminally consenting to it – I UN-CONSENT. If I want to do stuff with you, you’ll know. Ideally you’ll get in touch. If you have the guts you can say outloud “I have rape fantasies and I can’t do them with my girlfriend because that emasculation I was avoiding by being with you is three times worse with her. I mean I still prefer her and I’d rather be seen with her in public and stuff but I really want to perform these rape fantasies” then I will do some weed and if you’re hot enough (you probably aren’t. thats why its rape.) I will even let you film (if we set up some mirrors right I’ll film you raping me) one of those violent rape scenes with me for your wankbank. FOR FUH-RHEEEEE
This is a PERIOD. THIS IS NOT ME CUTTING MY GENITALS. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CUT MY GENITALS YOU FUCKING FREAK.
I WILL NEVER FORGET THE DOCTOR THAT WANTED TO SEE MY GENITALS AND THAT HE PRETENDED THAT HE HADN’T ALREADY. SO FAMOUS. SO IMMORTAL.
Don’t choose guilt prison over the truth, you’ll realise years into one of those loving relationships that either you or the person you love or both are being sleep-raped by ugly people or one another. And it probably isn’t someone hot doing it, it is probably either the military or the police pretending that they care about what happened to me when really they just joined in and want more people to do it to cos once you’ve done it one/two/three/four times it is weird. And waiting to die is apparently absolute hell
No, it doesn’t make you Christian Greys. It doesn’t give you sexy vibes. It gives you ‘that creepy indian guy that isn’t allowed in his mum’s house during the day’ vibes. (I CAN MAKE THAT JOKE. YOU CAN’T.) The point of Christian Grey, I imagine, is that firstly: there is no one that would not want to have sex with him. I have dated that guy and wanted for someone else – thats really how you get Christian Grey. You WANT someone ELSE. That means that Christian Grey cheats on you throughout your entire relationship. He obsesses about his ex that ‘abused’ him. (Does him telling you that story help you to connect with him? Me was so hurted by this person and it left one of those unfillable BPD psychic holes.) (SAME CHRISTIAN, SAME.) (BEFORE YOU GO LOOKING FOR GIRLFRIENDS, PICK A BESTFRIEND.)
And that isn’t complimentary, everyone fancying you – and if Christian Grey NEEDS that to feel attractive then he is putting on a performance by gallivanting around as some kind of master of sex.
Someone encouraged me to get back with an ex of mine and I think it’s because he’s a middle eastern and I’m a middle eastern and I’m the only girl that he ever dated that didn’t actually abuse him (one threatened him with a razor, for example) – you generally have a choice between being abused or abusing someone and I can’t abuse people I love. I can make ‘awful’ jokes at their expense but if you look carefully, listen carefully, notice the subtlety, I am generally insulting myself much more than I am insulting anyone else that is the butt-of-my-jokes because self deprecation is the best form of humour I think that we have other than fake arguments. Most people can’t do those.
Sikhs consider cutting your hair a form of self harm.
Actually there are a lot of behaviours that are technically self harm. Eating a bit too much is a form of self harm – not if I do it, I have a very big torso which means when I am hungry – I am REALLY hungry. Dating someone that makes you feel like you aren’t good enough for them is a form of self harm. Talking to relatives that abused you is a form of self harm but if you have been gassed and raped by strangers in your flat, who convinced themselves that you wanted them to, you have to pick the abusers that at least wouldn’t physically rape you, if only because it’d be a bit awkward. I couldn’t tell my “mother” or my “sister” or my “old friends” I was being raped because they got JEALOUS.
I literally called out for help, and it didn’t work. If you pretend you can’t see my life, you can contact local doctors in Surrey – because when I felt unwell, in any way, I communicated that to them. If I felt rage, I called up 999 and said “I FEEL to do XYZ, and this ISN’T normal”, when I realised I had anorexia (not one of those teenager fad diets) the kind of hellish anorexia that PREVENTED me from eating (that is, I felt no hunger and I physically couldn’t keep food down) – I TOLD a doctor. MORE THAN ONCE. I TOLD my “best friends” that I was fucking suffering and I got a “not my problim” (which would’ve been fine if I hadn’t of done all the stuff I had done for them)
Will I forgive you? ho ho ho, no. Will I love you unconditionally? I will NOT.
Breaking spiritual laws, like – stealing is a form of self harm. Stealing time from a person’s life – if you are a judge of some kind – what makes you a judge? I mean what qualifies you to be a judge? How can doctors steal women and men’s autonomy from them and hospitalise them and pretend it is to keep them safe?
ARE YOU SURE THEY ARE NOT BEING ABUSED BY THE PEOPLE TRYING TO PUT THEM IN THAT HOSPITAL?
WHY THE HELL WOULD HE STEAL FROM A SHOP AND THEN CALL THE POLICE?
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO PERPETUATE A STORY LIKE THAT. ARE YOU SURE. ARE YOU PREPARED TO DIE FOR THAT BECAUSE THAT IS A WARCRIME. PROMISE.