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I seem so impatient but I can wait years for first: the TRUTH. Then years more for you to learn your lesson.

Edited on the Eighth of September, 2019

This is a picture of Anne Boleyn.

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I apologise, I can’t recall (though I’d of read MANY times) the name of the artist that painted it. Actually it would be a tremendous disservice to what would have been many uncredited assistant painters that contributed to: particularly the detailing of this iconic portrait.

Anne Boleyn is a very, very important British figure in British History, that sacrificed her life (while she was alive) and all of the loves of her life (of which, there’d of been many – she was outspoken, intelligent – and back then, that really meant something – she could speak lots of languages, she could have theological debates, she could read which was especially uncommon amongst the upper middle classes of which she was part, and really: you might say she was a veteran of female emancipation in a time when women were very subservient to men, because the Bible would’ve made it seem appropriate for women to be so.)

So: Anne Boleyn had to pretend to find a very, very, very unattractive and oversexed and assuming ginger man attractive. To save her country. He was very taken by her and for all sorts of reasons, her family would have encouraged her to allow him to believe, regardless of her personal feelings: that the pursuit of this relationship was important.

Henry the Eighth was the kind of man to respond to rejection with cruelty. Men who have been pitied all of their lives, or made brats of in infancy (as Princes were, he was not the intended future King nor was he raised to be, I imagine then that he had a lot of insecurities that would’ve been quite emasculating.)

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At the time, England was an awful place to live in. The period was known as Tudor England.

It was a FUNDAMENTALIST religious occupation under the influence of the Italian situated Vatican. If you don’t know what means: The Vatican is a place in Italy where the Pope lives.

It also means the Pope was “in charge” of British laws. Henry the Eighth would have had to of asked the Pope for permission to do most things. He’d of heard if Henry the Eighth was being a bit naughty, because Henry was a catholic, which meant he had to attend confessions regularly with priests.

Tudor England was a terrible place for British people. British people were often burned alive at stakes, capital punishment was a form of civilian entertainment. Not nice. 😦
They were punished for doing what the British police would be encouraged to call “petty crimes”. No one in this day and age would think it acceptable – you’d perhaps be inclined to imagine – to burn a cheating wife alive, but sadly thats something they did. Anne Boleyn was beheaded. But we’ll get there later. Sorry for the spoiler.

Religious Catholic people are generally a very nasty bunch if they think you’re what they would consider a ‘bad egg’. They believe, for example: in self flagellation. If you commit a sin – I’ll give you an example of the biggie sins:

1. You shall have no other Gods but me.

   (this meant, the Jewish God Adonai, a self professed victim of feelings of jealousy “for I am a jealous God” whom both Jews and Christians worship didn’t deny the existence of other Gods, but forbade the worship of them.)

2. You shall not make for yourself any idol, nor bow down to it or worship it.

   (this meant: no celebrities. no statues or images for people to direct worship to. Those feelings were ideally reserved for God. It’s difficult here, because the bible encourages people to consider their bodies the house of God: so one might encourage idolatrous self love, if one believed they housed the Spirit of God within their physical body as the bible teaches: but that is a theological debate you aren’t intelligent enough to have with me. Trust me.)

3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.

(So shouting “OH MY GOD” and “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST is a nichtnicht, a sin. We all do it. We shouldn’t. Thats why catholics became creative about profanity. In Tudor England, I imagine (I wasn’t there myself) that if you were known for profanities that involved God-figures, you may well have been encouraged to beat the shit out of yourself to atone for it.)

1. You shall remember and keep the Sabbath day holy.
2. Respect your father and mother.

(this means, treat your parents with respect. Now, I don’t want to get into the old testament versus new testament nitty gritty, but if you are a theology buff – and I am – you might be inclined to quote Jesus Christ who said to the Virgin Mary “you are not my mother” in front of a congregation, which essentially brings some variety of contrast to that bit of the old testament. If you are prepared to refuse to respect a parent, you should be prepared to do so, if you are of this faith, in front of teachers and a family of individuals and be able to justify it.) (The word or associative identity inferred by the term “Christian” suggests you are an emulate of Jesus Christ. That means you are a little Christ. Jesus Christ was a JEW. Lots of them live in Israel.)

1. You must not commit murder.

(this means, do not steal life.)

1. You must not commit adultery.

(this means, don’t cheat on people you have agreed to be in committed relationships with, for example marriage.)

1. You must not steal.

(this means, don’t take things that don’t belong to you.)

1. You must not give false evidence against your neighbour.

(this means, don’t tell lies about people)

1. You must not be envious of your neighbour’s goods. You shall not be envious of his house nor his wife, nor anything that belongs to your neighbour.

I took them from this page. You were encouraged to confess to a priest and to punish yourself.

So, when you read that title, please don’t sexualise ‘chokers’, please enjoy that I’m trying to be a bit funny in the following post. Anne Boleyn is forever a hero to me, and in no small part due to that lyric.

I like two or three hole songs. I’ll include those, this is the most important.

For the first time, I entered a shop on my street and it became within moments, my other favourite shoppe. I have two favourite shoppes.

I bought this fascinator, thinking of Killi.

I bought these sunglasses thinking of an argument with Darcestino and Louise Pentland, in which Darcy asked for a choker and her mother said no.

Her mother pretended it was because she’s ‘too young’ but it was not because she is ‘too young’. Let me explain. Also:

Thanks, Louise, because I wanted a choker and she cannot be the youngest AND the sexiest one of us. It is rude, selfish and unfair.

Louise is the sluttiest, I am the coolest, Darcy is the youngest. We probably take turns being those. Iunno, we’ll discuss it.

I’ll explain: there’s this guy that looks EXACTLY like Darcy that I fancied for ten years of my fucking life. I left this period of my life where I was being sleep-raped by ugly people, abused by fucking everyone I knew etc etc, and I moved to Denmark and met this asshole. I fell in love with him the second I saw a webcam photo of him. I was offered a ‘threesome’ that I knew to say no to because I knew he’d get jelly and ditch me and I wanted to date him.

This is he, for proof. He ruined my life.

We don’t talk about him. Or to him. But if I spoke to him after seeing him once or twice in Denmark, and being abused by his choice of friends: I’d be like “you were not worth the PTSD seb.”

One time one of his friends had consensual-rape-sex (there was no discussion, he was very wasted, it was very awkward, I just didn’t have the cash to up and leave.) with me and at the end I thought “if you pretend this didn’t happen you can meet me”. IT WASNT WORTH IT. I met him years afterwards.

I lurked an old tumblr of his, and I saw a choker on it, so I realised I needed one. I had people link me to chokers because I’d lost hope in online shopping.

WELL. I think Darcy fancied him too. WELL. Louise and I both fancied him too so it’s best none of us got a choker. Frankly. We are rabid about crushes and looking cool.

This is another profound disappointment. I saved him from a Congolese deathrow prison. I got PTSD to do that. This is a guy called Sexyman who looks exactly like Louise. His mother’s name is Kari, not weird at all. I’m avoiding watching the movie he made about it because firstly, his partner is alive and secondly I don’t think I’m in it.

Anyway: Louise asked Darcy in one of her shopping videos about some sunglasses and Darcy got revenge ON CAMERA and said “you’re not cool enough.” (to wear those glasses.)

It was a serious argument I think, between the three of us that was actually about Seb. 

It really isn’t about them anymore, I think we’re all quite uninterested in them but now it’s just about us working on our ‘cool’ look. You know how people are like “oh yeah, I’m on this self-love mission” well, we love ourselves very much. We’ve never gotten what we really wanted, but I think I’ve led the way in how to deal with that like a mature person.

We are three very-determined-to-be-edgy-2D-anime hentai babes-to-3d-sexy-women okay.

I bought this top at the Vintage Workshop and this floral crown from Barbary Lane, and I think I look a lot like Frida Kahlo here. She is Mexican. I’m also partly Mexican. Did you know that? My Grandmother’s last body (she was moved into a new one) was buried dressed like Frida, in her national dress. That means in girl land “unless you are Mexican, or someone who has been obsessed with Frida Kahlo for years of your life – this is my thing. Darcy and Louise can share ‘things’ with me. Looks are a big deal in girl land.) (Obviously this doesn’t work in Mexico. We’d have to be really creative about how we dress in Mexico.) (Aztec print is ours too. I’m probably the only person, bar future Louise and Darsh who can channel Aztecs. If Louise was encouraged by an Aztec spirit to kill something I think she would.) (So she can’t control herself. Which is why she needs me: I say no to men, Louise. Even men I have been waiting TEN YEARS to have the sex with.)

I think I am channelling Sephiroth’s spirit here. I believe he is a very effeminate half angel evolution. Final Fantasy series is, in Karina land, my elder brother’s thing. I have wanted to date Cloud and Sephiroth and Zach since I was about seven years old. And Trunks.

I have a beach outfit. I’m preparing for the beach, with waterproof earphones and a waterproof musicplayer of somekind. I’ll need a pair of Goggles.

THIS DRESS WAS EVERYTHING TO ME. Zoella stole the look but she had nothing to show for it. It’s just a look you didn’t earn and thats why EVERYTHING you wear looks like you bought it on sale at George’s ASDA. I could, and would probably buy a George’s thing, that is my current budget – but it’d look very expensive – and thats sort of what upset everyone really.

I’m going to WARN you. This is my husband in 2D. That means I have the personality file. He is bi and he likes men as much as he likes women. He would kill you in a second which means he has to be royalty. He is mine.

YOU CANNOT DO THIS LOOK WITHOUT PRETENDING TO BE ME. STOP PRETENDING TO BE ME. IF I WANT TO SHARE MYSELF OR MY LOOK WITH YOU, YOU WILL KNOW.

But yeah if I find a guy I like enough, I’ll put this file in him. He burned an S into my fingers once and his name is Sabel. I have thought about this person for years of my life, and he’s MY male self.

She’s great but don’t turn me into this.

This, I feel, is a great wedding outfit and my mask doubles as a party hat.

Trust me, I could probably commit some kind of mass murder and smile like this, now.

Can you see the skull in the wing? This is so significant to me because I’ve never been able to illustrate or sculpt or otherwise imagine a skull that had not already been done. It just happened here.

It looks like Walt Disney. He’s one of my heroes. I thought of him a lot yesterday, and I thought (perhaps as the Empress of Japan – who was in my thoughts – perhaps as Conchita – who is always in my thoughts – perhaps as Esther or Auntie Norma or Lisa) “he is so full of love” and I thought back with one of those looks you’d give a naughty child: “I know.“

He thought to me, not in these words: you cannot exist and grow without people to admire, with talents to aspire towards – or you remain the same person forever. I thought in my auntie Norma’s voice and Esther Hicks’ Tarantino’s voice: “I didnt know you were into this stuff!” and in any voice he could’ve used really (I didn’t hear it, like doing accents in your own head when you read a book) he thought back “yes you did.”

I went through the shops on my street and I just felt so full of love towards everything, even my enemies, anger was there but it was only disappointment. “heartbreak.” Actually, many of my ‘enemies’ are people I tried very hard to love and befriend first and who hurt me very deeply. When I wrote the words ‘even my enemies’, it was out of anger towards women that I consider teachers whose personal lives and personal feelings interfered with the position that they knew I held them to. I pedestal teachers and I often consider them above people I consider parents. It means so much to me to call someone a teacher and I don’t really afford them the capacity to still be human. That might be wrong to do but I don’t think he would think so.

It is not wrong, if you choose to be a person’s teacher, and these women knew that was the dynamic through which I invited them into my life: to hold yourself to the standard you expect of teachers.

I don’t think highly of parents because I’ve never been treated very well by parents.

I can be a friend to anyone that believes that friendship is real. I have always been a loyal person to someone I consider a brother of somekind, but as a child – for however much I loved my brother, I became very angry with him when he hurt my dog. He used to bite her nose sometimes, my ‘father’ used to sometimes kick the dog. That made it impossible for me to seek relationships with either, but that doesn’t change who my brother is or what the cultures I came from taught me about brotherhood.

In the Middle East and particularly in Islam, your eldest brother is, for example, the first benefactor in a will. I would give half of everything I have to my brother and that is a very genuine cultural reality to me that I do not consider myself above. Likewise I am sure that he would forgive my callousness as a child, towards his treatment that was synonymous with imprisonment.

I do not practice sisterhood because no one, has, as of yet, been very sisterly towards me. Regardless of my gender identity I am a feminist and pretty staunchly so. I do believe that women deserve to be empowered and sometimes my personal feelings skew my judgement and thats wrong. It’s something I’ll need to develop within myself.

Feminist as I am, sister I’m probably not. But I’d sister Louise Pentland, I feel that we’ve a lot of room to develop. We’ve both experienced familial abuse but we’ve both learned unconditional love and I think that where I have decided to disown my ‘sister’, I have a place for anyone that would like to fill it. You don’t have big shoes to fill, she was terrible company to me.

His work and legacy perpetuates an archetype that encourages women to be kind, loving and to seek whatever they find beautiful. That is somewhat sexist I think, but what men have failed to honestly express to women is that it’s those qualities that make women ‘fertile’. You all want children, but you don’t really treat animals or vulnerable people or children the way that the men you’d like to invite into your life as ‘lovers’ would think those children deserve to be treated and that might be what prevents many of you from being fertile.

If you want to have children, begin with a dog. Here are the mistakes I made with my pets: I left my dog Tintin with a girl I did not know very well, for a brief period, but that was so that I could work and earn money. When I felt for whatever personal reasons that caring for Tintin meant that I wasn’t taking proper care of myself, I returned him to my ‘mother’, and his brothers. For a period the dogs had to be tied up and my second mistake was that I ignored my own judgement about how to handle the situation and I put hers above mine. That affected my entire ‘family’, that I did not assume the role of the head of the family when I knew it would be correct to do so. In both Judaism and Islam, men might think themselves the heads of their families but that’s not true at all. I did not find a way to be unthreatening about the reality of what I had been put through and what I had worked towards, and that my judgement had pretty consistently been correct about the consequences of our ‘family’ decisions and as a result, my mother’s home was mortgaged for far more than it was acceptable so that my ‘father’ could own restaurants that did not do well. He stole from his family so that he could have those restaurants and he lost those restaurants.

If you steal, you will be robbed. Sometimes we accept inspirations but we do not credit those that helped us, perhaps, make the money from what we produce out of those inspirations. You can pretend otherwise, but you will see it in your life. I once broke up a relationship, and shortly after I developed a very frightening tumour on my side and I knew inside that it was the product of her hatred towards me. She stole my autonomy and used me to access time frames without any sense of responsibility. She and many other girls believed themselves justified in stealing my autonomy and I feel that they were encouraged to do so to their own detriment. As far as the law goes, I believe in equality. As far as personal relationships go: I encourage people not to pick sides in situations that have nothing to do with them.

Don’t get involved. Do not fuck with my food because you’re ‘defending’ a blonde: especially one that wouldn’t even treat you well, or be friends with you – when she might’ve had plenty of opportunity to do so.

Walt Disney encourages women from early childhood (his target market) to find beauty in themselves regardless of their financial circumstances, and to have beautiful things around them. Disney encourages women to pick personal stories in which they find magicck and love.

I know that Walt Disney must have seen the form Magnus took, in my duvet. This is a cat in Cinderella called Lucifer.

Lucifer the angel is one of the first guides I ever invited into my life. When I was little in Dubai, I used to see – SEE – a little black wolf with red eyes beneath my bed. Years later Tintin came into my life. Tintin was my very first guide, I believe.

Yesterday Walt Disney lovingly and laughingly put the thought of Lucifer the cat in Cinderella and through my thoughts, said “I think Lucifer’s mind changes all the time.” Lucifer is not a consistent being who sticks to decisions. I think to have survived in a Universe like ours, feeling quite alone and betrayed, he would’ve had to change his mind all the time and his experiences would have shaped his personalities. Plural. People and beings who have experienced abuse and who will have had to acclimate to many different, difficult circumstances, will have a collection of identities that help them to interact with different kinds of people or beings. I would not, for example, act around Lady Diana the way I would act around Charles Manson. (I actually probably would – a better example is called for.)

A man called Jim taught me that green eyes usually indicate that a being is quite oversexed. I don’t think the angel Lucifer wants to be my guide. But that’s my personal journey, and I like to write my personal journey here but as a reader, accept my reality as I document it and value that you won’t ever read anything like my diary. My inimitable life won’t be lived by anyone else through time and space, and that is where I find my self esteem. That’s where I found a self esteem when I was being abused by society, that there’s still no one alike to me.

If you have ‘the sight’, we’re reaching a time where that will not indicate insanity. I personally do not advise that you put any kind of deeper meaning to a relationship with Lucifer. I have been defending Lucifer in the company of staunch, nasty, misled Christians since I was an infant and without any indication that Lucifer was real, without any indication that Lucifer could have been listening. (I know Lucifer feels because I want to cry and very little makes me want to actually ‘cry’, save a stray eyelash or dust or wind irritating me.)

I know that out of that Lucifer is as loyal as Lucifer is capable of being to me. You might have sex with Lucifer non physically but sex is just sex to Lucifer. He will not breed with you because he doesn’t think that humans are responsible with physical forms of angels. He might lie for the sex though.

I thought that if Walt Disney were to adopt at this point he’d be prepared to adopt: Esther Hicks-Tarantino, Louise Pentland and Felix Kjellberg.

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He said Felix was never going to get his Disney contract, because he was always going to jeopardise himself, because he was never taught that boundaries exist and with good reason that needn’t be explored. They knew he would do something, upon tentatively hiring him, to affect himself the way that he did.

Disney did not seek to hire him without knowing exactly who he is and what he is like. Disney thought-said that the men that Felix employed through Fiverr for that embarrassing display of themselves did so for fame, and reminded me vibrationally that people will do a lot of silly things to become famous. That was not reason enough alone not to fulfil the contract.

He alerted me to this mess on my floor, smoking papers that had fastened to one another to create a mermaid’s tail. Theres green glitter beside it. He said that that inspired the Little Mermaid. He said that he would want me to ask the Emperor and Empress of Japan to adopt me and the truth is that I don’t feel good enough for that responsibility and that association, but when I do, I will ask.

As a child in Dubai I used to illustrate a particular kind of kimono sleeve and then sometime later I saw animations that depicted little mice wearing kimono. That is everything that inspired how I envisioned how I might like to look when I grew up. There is a little Japanese girl I know that thinks of me sometimes, she showed me a book and that she’d like her name to be ‘Mineko’, after the author of this book. She is my ‘yakuza’ princess and I think it would be correct for her, when I do, to ask them to adopt her too. And Bruce Lee.

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When I was in Twyford C of E – one of the many secondary schools I visited, I recall having a chat with two teachers outside a tech room, about Walt Disney – where I’d learned he’d been “cryogenically frozen”. Walt Disney’s legacy has been associated with racism but I really felt Walt’s proudness that Kanye West had called him a genius with whom Kanye would like to compare himself, and I don’t imagine that Walt still feels any prejudice of that nature now at all.

I also felt that he was deeply upset that someone had said that Disney is just a “business” because of course it isn’t. It is the fabric of many children’s ideals of romance and love and has shaped many perceptions of what relationships could be, but is also an archive of the values we associated with our evolution that we can share with children, and discuss with them that they can aspire to much more now, than simply to marrying a prince – but at one point, it was those fantasies that helped women and men to pursue ideas for the future.

If you pick me you can have a fresh logo. Anyone in Brighton will tell you birds are mine, but all the blackbirds are Lady Diana’s.

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3 + 4 = 7

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Sephiroth is the one winged angel. I’ve got the genes for white hair… so.

My grades were not good enough for me to be a skull and bone. It’ll be awhile off.

Lisa taught me to use a glove to wash myself, that is – to wear one of those body-gloves when I touch my skin to clean myself. I saw some in Boots beside some cucumber products that I bought, and I thought I saw some very small ones – and I thought “wouldn’t it be fantastic if they had baby-sized gloves so that babies could learn to scrub themselves!”

Louise Pentland did a half eye with liquid eyeliner and I copied.

This necklace, I bought for £2.50 at a local charity shoppe. This bra, I bought at Primark about .. a year and a half ago. This hairclip is from The Vintage Workshop in Brighton and it cost about £4. These shorts are also old. The ribbon around my waist is old. The crimson bracelets on my ankles – one is from the packaging of a Lalique bottle and one is a lindt bunny bell. I can’t work out who my lindt bunny is.

I’ve got green glitter in the hairs on my head.

Today I’m thinking of David Bowie and his wife, and if they’re the same person, a lady I shared on facebook some time ago: that said she found other women attractive, (because, at least if you have all the body parts of a female person,) if you do not find other women attractive it’s quite impossible to be attracted to yourself.

(That video was a fast forward response to all of the meditations I was doing – I wanted the truth – I was telepathically being made to feel ugly, I was too insecure to dress up, I was robbed of the energy to be able to go to school, I have a disability – shitting twice a month is a big deal apparently.)

I met a guy called Porter when I went to uni, he faked a death I think? I know he’s not dead because his toes changed the shape of mine a bit, but they’re going back to normal now. Wherever he is, he’s wandering around barefooted.

I’ve always found other women attractive but they’ve always been the abusive ones and I have to stay away from those because I let people that I love abuse me. It’s actually quite rare for me to find men attractive which is why it’s so rude that you’ve been stealing from me all these years.

But trust me, if I were into BDSM, if I could justify being an abuser… I could do worse than all of you.

this uh. This is not BDSM. I mean, these looks might be a thing that ‘turns you on’ but it is not BDSM. If you don’t have the guts to walk around in outfits like this then it’s a performance and theres a dishonesty to performing, be yourself when you’re having sex.

To adopt a Mark from Peepshow voice: I know the Eurythmics released a song years ago that said “some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused” that is not an either or spectrum of life. I do not want to abuse people and I don’t want to be abused either.

I hung out with this guy that I nicknamed ‘kinky artist’ or something. I did it to make a guy I’d been ‘secretly’ in love with for about ten years jealous. Then I developed real feelings – the first time I met him I gave him evil looks. I fancied him a lot but I saw my first boyfriend in him and uh. Well we didn’t do anything for years.

He was too insecure to have floral dress and thigh high boot sex with me. His idea of bdsm was to put me in a bathtub and cut my pubic hair off?? I laughed because I’d let a ‘best friend’ do all of that nonsense. Literally everything he and I did was snuggling and it was not sexy, or sexual. We had the sex but it was uh. It was better when I refused. I am not endorsing rape here – it is a lot more fun for two people who know they are in love with/attracted to one another (don’t flatter yourself too much, I can fall in love with anyone) to mess around with each other by pretending otherwise.

It’s a “I could have anyone I want” thing.

It was tough to play that game in Denmark when I had PTSD from a series of abuses at the hands of the NHS who have avoided responding to a letter about it, because I know and the NHS know that their staff are probably losing a very significant portion of their licenses to practice. Maybe you guys can emigrate to Denmark.

I was being raped – in the hospital – by ugly people that I wouldn’t of accepted MILLIONS of pounds to have sex with, (sold by my “sister” and “mother”) and I was on medication that made me lose a LOT of hair (I mean, I would softly brush out huge clumps of hair. And it was visible. It is growing back – slowly.), affected my brain chemicals (which made the PTSD MUCH worse – what the NHS pretended to confuse for ‘insanity’ was actually just my personality, and they asked my RELATIVES about me – my relatives knew nothing about me, they didn’t even really speak to me when I was growing up), slowed my metabolism and gave me parkinsonism, and also – you really have to TRUST people before you start having sex with them because when you have sex with someone you’re connected to them forever and that is an STD of it’s own. If you are psychic and you hang out with untrustworthy people, you will feel it and it’ll affect you a lot. You might not know why they’re untrustworthy, but the first impression is correct.

Because um. I can’t say this to you once I think it, can I

1. I take shits bigger than your dick Heathcliff
2. What kind of a fucking name is Heathcliff
3. I’m legally married to Sabel’s 2D alterego, Hiten, but he’s bisexual so it’s okay and if I’m into you he’s into you and can “do both”
4. love you whomp whomp
5. bok bok
6. I exorcised the Joker out of Heathcliff (do not fantasise about acting as a career if you are not okay with being possessed, I mean it.)
7. The spirit is in my room. So, the white eyes with tiny pupils and purple scarf that form hair, the GREEN eyelashes, the red mouth, a moustache, a blue mouth? (Perhaps he comes with aliases)

   I don’t hallucinate when I’m not in hot countries or when I’m not squinting a lot, or when I’m not on drugs that make people hallucinate. This is not a hallucination.

   Objects take other forms if you have terrible eyesight and they become THOUGHT FORMS. Sometimes, by coincidence, they take the shape of things we’ve already seen.

   Joker is a bit Ronald McDonald, don’t you think?

   That is what I like about this song actually. There’s this bit where Phfat says “you can feel the vibe get crazy when your eyes get lazy.” I have, VERY bad eyesight. I see in macro. Not magnified, macro. There’s a difference. Not HD. Macro.

   8. I replaced the Joker with Sephiroth. The personality file – is in Heathcliff and the baby is in my teacher Sarah who um. It’s not that we are encouraging you to steal him, we’re not, but he will kill you if you steal him.

8. 

   You might have two. Apparently this one is Denzel. 
   
   Actually you know, its funny, an ex of mine used to say
   DENZ-ELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL a lot. (His humour does not translate
   to text, very well.)
   
   No one planned it but I think Sephiroth wanted his geo-stigma 
   eyes.
   
   
   
   Tifa is the worst babysitter in the World and I think he'd prefer
   not to be trapped there.

9. If you steal him – because you are foolish enough to do the thing I tell you NOT to do, that every spiritual book and every faith says you must NEVER do:you can abuse him, if you like, into pretending – that he loves you – but if he learns that you are manipulating him with energy work, (and he will) and that his feelings towards you were never love but were closer to you manipulating him with thoughts that he ought to ‘pity’ you or ‘laugh at your jokes at his expense’ – he will kill you later.And he will do the worst imaginable things to you. So, you can say “the worst thing you could do after all of this is kill me” but he will energy-determine what you really mean. “the worst thing i could really do, is tell people what you’re really like.”
10. I invited some spirits for women I can trust. This is Ophelia, she was brought here by Ilena. She is intended for Katey Hopkins. Trust me, you. *looks pointedly* do. not. want. to. steal. this. one. If you already have I am worried for your safety. Genuinely.It is fitting that she got point ten, and unplanned. Her emblem is IO which is binary, which is also ‘new beginnings’ in numerology. Also X. Which means she is Jewish. Like Katey.

    Her story is quite sad. Her brother was abused. Pissed her off a lot. This is the ofelia blanket I bought from Ikea.

    Also there’s this thing she does with a sword, I can do that when I bake cakes. And it looks all weird and stop-motiony. Like it’d look really cool on camera if cameras picked it up.

    This one I sent back. Our karma isn’t great, Sam. You don’t know yourself and you don’t know when you meet yourself do you.

    

    I’ll show you what he taught me.
    He choreographed this, using the lines that form in wood.

     

    Edited 3rd September 
    (If i'm bringing myself I'll bring you girls down with me, sorry,
    friends or not it's the truth.)
    
    I was edited, somehow, in this webcam video, to look MUCH thinner
    and more petite than I am. I've not photoshopped my photos for
    awhile, my photoshop was corrupted. It was great though because
    I think you deserve to see what I look like without 'filters'.
    I prefer how I look in person on a good day, but even canon
    cameras can now be hacked.
    
    I am not chubby, I have a belly that I like having very much - 
    and I hide it with clothing because I like a particular female 
    silhouette for myself, but this is not my size. 
    
    Someone has started using auto liquify pinching tools on live 
    cams. It is someone with money, who can afford to arrange for a 
    programmer to help them to hack. They are not a seasoned editor
    because it is amateur work.
    There are probably 'hacking apps' now. Here's an example of
    a photograph of me that was uploaded years ago when I was
    suffering with very severe anorexia.
    
    2013.
    
    
    
    This was done to me when I had anorexia. Here: I was a size 0.
    
    My hands were not that big, but that should give you some idea
    of how tiny I really was. I felt fat and I had a very badly
    raised boyfriend with a terrible family unit of users,
    who liked to make me feel fat too. They regularly abused me for
    anything from what I was wearing to not accepting a cup of 'tea'
    because I had never drunk tea at home. 
    My phone was hacked to alter my shapes and proportions.
    I recommend you consult anime or artist's representations
    for a good idea of proportions - I once saw a video of Beyonce 
    and I knew she felt she looked bigger than she is, and I 
    thought 'you are about four ankles wide in this.
    
    The kind of women that would have been able to do this in 2013
    had money, and I know a lot of those were stalking me at the time.
    There were wives in Farnham that were very threatened by me, and
    the fact that their kids would love to talk to me and obsess over
    me. Well the reality is I'd be a better parent. Sorry.
    
    There were also footballers wives who were stalking me, I said:
    'Emma Thatcher', 'Louise Redknapp' etc were women who knew of me
    and who arranged for my 'sibling' and a friend of hers (I hate 
    both my 'sibling' and her friend, but they were a million times
    hotter than those women without trying very much. Both are very
    attractive to men in little more than tracksuit bottoms.)
    
    You might think its a COMPLIMENT to be stalked by women like
    this, but it's annoying.
    
    I'm now experiencing the same problem, and my Spiritual teacher
    Lisa is experiencing the same problem. Both she and I have been
    robbed in many terrifying and irresponsible ways of the opportunity
    to be parents, pit against one another by those women who would
    use physical insecurities or our gifts to make us feel negatively
    towards one another. Taking ideas from their taste in men.
    I was "inspired" (Zoella has ruined this word, with her tacky
    company.) to author this because I know that Louise is losing
    a lot of weight, and I really want to have her in my life.
    I don't want her to think that I'm hotter than her, I've seen
    how she looks when she loses her 'mum chubb' and trust me she's
    the hottest one. If she plays my game she's the hottest one and
    she's not gonna be playing YOUR game. I mean, bribes work a bit,
    do bribe her, we'll have stuff to take the piss of later.
    
    I noticed that Amber Khan's proportions are being made to look
    a bit strange since she got a breast augmentation (she's had a 
    child, he's eleven or so years old. She works damn hard, so it's
    quite fantastic that she looks about sixteen.), I've noticed that
    people quite like to hack women whove had augmentations to
    appear as though they have bigger arms than they do and thats 
    fine. Weird, but fine. But I want those women to know what
    you're doing.
    
    Stop choosing lesser women to befriend you, or to think of.
    
    My teachers are not flawless, but they need to be knocked off
    the pedestals I place them on when they start misbehaving -
    those women you'd of wanted to choose over me were my
    abusers.
    
    They are stalkers. If they'd abuse and stalk and SELL me, 
    (they allowed their husbands, their husbands boyfriends etc to
    RAPE me, my "sibling" - she's no longer that, but this is truth)
    and my "siblings" one attractive friend. 
    
    I had to "set" those terrible women up with the most evil kinds
    of men. Why the fuck would I set my sister up with Sascha Baran
    Cohen, why would I set up Vanessa with Floyd Mayweather?
    
    These are not nice guys but if I pick a winner you better believe
    they're going to win.
    
    

    I thought “PLANK?!”

    

    Plank is a character that hangs out with a character called Jimmy.

    (He is funny, and when we’re ready to host him on this Planet – I don’t know that we ever ought to – we’ll get in touch again.) (I will level him up, but the only way to fix his story, is to give him the bad ending in his series. Maybe VAMPIRE him in the series. But he gets the bad ending, and as funny as he might be, HE deserves it.

    I invited someone VERY special here and her gifts will be carrying VERY heavy shopping. 

    

    I think that William will enjoy a sister that looks like a female version of him very much. I also think that she will kill Harry.

I have no reason to lie.

Incase you run out of abusers to defend for popularity, this is hilarious to me – it’s a concluding statement in an email I sent to the guy I had to call ‘dad’ in exchange for cash.

If that was the trip in which I visited Dubai with the girl I was told to call my “sister”, she slept in a double bed. It’s so weird, she once told me a story – my “sister” that is: about the “princess and the pea”. She said that the “princess” was ‘tested’ for being a “princess” – if there was even the tiniest speck of dirt in her bed she wouldn’t sleep in it. Apparently someone hid a pea amongst a pile of mattresses and the “princess” could “tell” it was there or something. Iunno. It is a terrible story.

Iunno, Conchita (Our Granma that absolutely hates my “sibling”, actually) would’ve said that ‘a princess’ isn’t too good for anything. I mean – I can sleep on a train. I can sleep on a bench etc.

Most military strategists – like Sun Tzu – would say that you are only as good as your weakest link.

Please don’t EVER defend me, or get involved. You cannot do a better job, unless I ASK you to. If I want to be defended, or if I am lost for what to do, I am really particular about who I will run to. Don’t bully them unless they’ve bullied you first, don’t make it about me.

They were people that just wanted to be loved but didn’t ever accept that I am the most loving person you’re probably ever going to have the chance to meet. I would say I’m more loving than Lady Diana – I mean give me an ounce of weed and I will laugh off a life of abuse for a couple of weeks.

You don’t have to, but the real reason you won’t is because – again – you envy that I’ve found some happiness. She’s happy, without FRIENDS? Without.. FACEBOOK FRIENDS? Without LIKES? Without VALIDATION???
THAT IS SO RUDE. WHAT A BITCH.

YES. IM OKAY. I LOVE MY PLANTS. I LOVE MY STUFF. I LOVE MY HAIR. I LOVE MY SHOES. AND WHEN I HAVE NONE OF THE ABOVE – I LOVE THAT MY TASTE IN STUFF IS THAT MUCH BETTER THAN YOURS. THAT YOU CAN HAVE ALL OF THAT CASH AND YOU REALLY DON’T KNOW HOW TO SPEND IT.

I don’t NEED the weed to feel happy. I am in all sorts of agony all the time. But I choose weed, lets be honest, over your inability and incapacity to love.

Look: start trying to learn how to be funny by poking fun at yourself. If you have friends that poke fun at you but don’t poke fun at themselves, don’t bother with them. As in ditch them.

Look at all my old ugly friends that got hot. Some, I can’t fix – because they don’t listen to me when I give them good advice. Don’t value sincerity etc. Some people are stupid.

Like if you design a hoody, this is important, and I suggest “do this to it, and I’ll buy it because I will genuinely LOVE it” or if I say “send me a sample, I’ll make it good” or if I say “you should buy this” – I am trying to level you up. It is not some kind of sex game, or some kind of BDSM thing. It is literally, my lifes work, to make things not shitty. I’m not negging you.

Get boots. Get hair straighteners. Stop telling lies compulsively. Stop defending blondes, they might deserve the chance to defend themselves – because they keep being defended – and they don’t know how to defend themselves. Some of them are abusive, and someone has to fix the mess their parents made.

NOT ME. I STEP OUT.

Imagine Biggie realising you released this song for the money

Or Lady Diana realising through my facebook messages that Harry was ‘investigating’ because he didn’t get his ‘will money’ (“there really wasn’t much. and it was no one’s business. and he was conceived after a rape.) and listening in to stuff about ‘karma’ to justify stealing from me, because he decided I was Lady Diana’s ‘future life’

haha, i typed that and felt to vomit

One time a guy called Will Pitt told me that his mother had depression. He told me his brother was tantrumming because he was excluded from her will (how the hell did he know that??)

I passed on two messages:

pick your mother

and

I said she should eat saffron – and I had some myself – apparently it has the same affects on the human brain as MDMA. Which means it makes you happy and it makes you fall in love. (Someone, thought at me “I actually did”)

and at the time, I was eating saffron too – and I flavoured steak with it. Lots of steak. I had serious anorexia at the time. I was a size zero – and my phone had been hacked to make me look much bigger than I was at the time. Everyone I knew was abusing me –  to defend a girl that had done nothing but abuse me. I invited her to my hometown because she rang me up crying because she hated her life in Northern Ireland and then she came over, lied to everyone about me, had sex with my boyfriend who would creep out of my bed while I was asleep and sneak up the stairs. They heard they’d be popular for it. And believed it. Well, you guys must’ve felt popular thinking of me when you went out and had fun while I was at home having memories of being abused in my childhood home that I’d dreamt of escaping. I had “friends” that knew I was being abused but they told me I was attention seeking whenever I cried for help, so I learned to put on a brave face – and that brave face REALLY PISSED PEOPLE OFF. Anyway:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHKSHAKLFJGKLSDJFGKSDJFGK (okay.)

and FYI, I actually think I looked good when I was near death with anorexia – but I didn’t enjoy it because no one really cared to tell me I was hot. But thanks, now I can do-hot without the compliments.

My then-boyfriend Luke, at the time, bought me size fourteen jeans. It might’ve been the first thing he bought me. Size fourteen jeans when I was a size zero.

A psychic called Jim told me that anorexia and rape are less a means of expressing sexual attraction and more a means of ‘controlling’ people. I mean that was a pretty horrible thing for anyone with self esteem issues to hear – and I don’t think it was intended

I think he’d heard “if you defend a blonde you’ll be really popular” too.

From a woman whose name is EXACTLY the same as my “sibling’s”

Lisa – the woman who taught people to buy food from the ‘bargain’ section, Lisa, the woman whose privacy my fellow students and teachers and whoever invaded, the woman who taught me (my big mouth, huh – I told ONE girl at my uni and she told fucking EVERYONE, and pretended that it came from her) to learn how to cook and to tidy, because that was the only reason I didnt have a boyfriend. I dont want a boyfriend that expects me to do those things in exchange for his affections.

I got kicked out of my ‘mother’s’ house for being a good cook. Whenever I felt to tidy, and whenever I started to, I became exhausted.

Every woman that I treat as a mother – literally every single one – thinks they could’ve done a better job raising me, but ends up ditching me for a really stupid reason.

BERNIE kicked me out because she thought I’d set fire to her house? I’ll explain – I was taking a big shit (there was a huge drop of blood on the floor, from my asshole) and I was about to faint, so I ran downstairs and put sausages in the oven. I used baking paper, that belonged to Bernie. It burned and set the alarm off. I did not get to the oven in time because I had to take another big shit.

I almost actually fainted, and that was her timing.

The REAL reason that she kicked me out was that she

(waddling around like fat-Charlotte, the one that had never owned pets beside occasionally feeding Tintin pizza when my back was turned, after I’d asked her not to and a black cat that she got, and had only had for about.. three years before deciding she was ready to be a ‘vet nurse’)

took a BIG dog that I was helping one of her psychotic friends to look after OUT OF MY ROOM and put it in her gypsy office and it created all hell, because the dog ran loose – then Bernie started SCREAMING (you do not – do not start screaming – when animals start creating havoc with one another because then they have NO ONE to rely on to sort it out, and they are sensitive to energy, which means they will COPY your SCREAMING.)

and I HAD TO SORT IT OUT (Karina did, she is the only person stupid enough to break up fights with rabid animals. We’ve checked.) and I said to Bernie “I’m quite good with animals Bernie.”

I am not the kind of person to look at how you treat your animals and judge you. Unless I really, really feel to. It is a disgusting thing to do, actually. Unless you know that animals can use you to communicate. And they can use me to communicate, just like people can use me to communicate.

I have seen animals living on the streets with open, festering wounds. I have seen beloved dogs with hoards of fat, swollen ticks coming out of their bodies (which I’ve touched, with my bare hands, and felt only for the dog.)

We were living with many FERAL cats – and what most people don’t know is that cats are MUCH more dangerous than dogs are. MUCH MORE. Even your scary rottweiler is no match for a cat that wants to defend itself.

This dog is playing with the kitten, but it knows the kitten only has to scratch it’s eyes. They are that clever.

Another thing: it’s energetic. The dog doesn’t mean it, the kitten means it. The dog is playing but knows the kitten is not playing. It really is a size thing. The chained up dog can use the free roaming cat to eat. The chained up dog can use the cat to go exploring because it’s owners have it as some kind of trophy animal. At some point I will have to teach people how to do ‘trophy’ animals properly. My little black dog is much scarier than most people’s big dogs.

Those people don’t know how to look after animals. Most people don’t.

Most people don’t know how to look after themselves.

Anyway: then I said “Bernie is this because of men?” and she sort of looked at her feet, ashamed of herself.

If you want to fix things – make sure that those three dogs are given to me. I choose dogs over men that NEEDED to date people like me, before they could date ‘people’ like you.

me and my babies at school/university reunions (actually my maggots are probably worth more than you. financially I mean. They are a kind of missing link. They’re basically human but they’re not human, theyre maggots, and this is a message for them as much as it is a message for whoever comes across my blog.)

I’d probably prefer to share my body with maggots. I mean it. etc.

They do not only eat rotting meat. They like everything I like to 
eat but they aren't that keen on dominos pizza's desserts. 
They wanted the cookie because it smells nice, but
they didn't eat it. 

They've literally just left it there. 

Also, while it has melted slightly in their home, and offers
a nice texture for snuggling and orgies (I imagine)
they don't eat it. 

They also do not eat Peanut butter.
Nor do they eat Caramel.
They LOVE pork (which tastes like human flesh apparently)
and they love lemon.

They like lemons. And tinned tomato. And I think some of them
committed suicide in maple syrup today. 
They are not stupid.

(THEY CHOOSE TO STAY IN THERE. THEY REALLY, REALLY DO.)
(Being a fly is quite lonely.)
 but it is 

this will be my theme song

but this will be me as jenova in ffvii

I fucking

ugh

[ref]

Also this is how I want mine and Heath Ledger’s and my older brother’s sexiest bully’s bedroom to look. Don’t copy me. I’m making a pinterest board of it.

Also you couldn’t date either of them.

They’ve accepted that every woman they ever knew (trust me, that was so, so many women) was pretending to orgasm and that their kids really, really aren’t theirs. Please visit my memory, year nine, where we learn about recessive genes and dominant genes.

The wikipedia pages explaining this are very boring. Okay.

I used to joke about this. If you have a naturally grey haired person with “big” features, such as a large nose and tiny lips

and a naturally brown haired person with very “small” features, such as a delicate and tiny nose and huge natural lips and green contact lenses

Unless you let the doctors and nurses wheel your newborn baby out of the room, or you have sex with a really stupid man (who spends all day thinking about me) and who ACTUALLY THINKS you’re blonde – and puts blonde people sperm in you when you’re asleep – (it happens) or you have been enlisted in a breeding program (you probably haven’t.)

if i am GENUINELY in love with you for five minutes, you are in the breeding program for five minutes. I mean you have five minutes.

you’ll probably end up with a baby that has dark hair and “big” features, though, if you have dark hair and big features.

i used to joke with people that my genes would jihad theirs. my ex ahmed and i would joke worriedly that our kids would be ‘really hairy’. because if you have a hairy boy and a hairy girl and they have sex without a condom on (im also allergic to tampons. as in they burn me and my vagina pushes them out. i once told someone and she implied i had a huge vagina but mine is actually smaller than most people’s which is very, very surprising because i have had some really big stuff put in there)

i casually flirt with people routinely by saying i “want” to have kids with them. it is a thing that i do. sorry. it is very easy for me to do that because i am allergic to latex. i don’t want kids unless it is one of the ones i ordered.

Sephiroth, mine. (Trust me, you don’t want this one – you have to give him to someone very, very, very intelligent that speaks a lot of languages. I can’t have him because I FANCY HIM. If you are not honest, he will probably justify killing you later, for lying to him.

He’s also muslim. Which means you don’t touch him. Which means in exchange he won’t look at you/sexualise you. If he does either, you have to be okay with TREMENDOUS levels of pain because he has my issue.

Which means you do not steal – muslims punish stealing by cutting limbs off and he comes from a person who only doesn’t kill people because she doesn’t have diplomatic immunity. She is entitled to diplomatic immunity – she doesn’t get it because she is genuinely insulted by the idea that she ought to have to ask for it.)

Trunks, mine. I promise you that it was arranged that I’d be the first girl that saw him on television in this country. I can’t speak for other countries, but I was the first girl to see him in the United Kingdom. Sorry. Again.

This one, you do not want. You cannot touch him, ever. You have to use a glove to wash him, you have to hold him with a scarf, you cannot do ‘skin to skin’ or whatever stuff it is that we all evolved to sexualise that is really.fucking.weird. You cant hold on to your boyfriend or husband with breastfeeding memories that he can watch when you’re asleep because Trunks will WATCH you WATCHING and he will RUIN your LIFE.

Blood, mine. Again – YOU DONT WANT THIS ONE. She has autism. She is very pretty but she has autism. She is so ‘void of feelings’ that she either loves you or can kill you. As in she can kill you emotionally or otherwise and she will feel bad perhaps if you get someone to tell her off who has something of a bribe for her. YOU DONT WANT THIS ONE.

Then there is 13, and then there is Kuja. I know Kuja is real. I could give you a lot of reasons as to why I think so, but I have a dark sense of humour and I’m sort of curious for him to prove it to other people.

I would love to have a child like this in imagination land but in real life I do not think I could manage a child like this.

Now I will tell you about Khleopatra. I do not want Khleopatra. Which means if you think you do, you are being mind controlled. You all think that my old ‘blonde’ friends could be Khleopatra. That is probably really fun to her because she is not very well behaved.

Khleopatra can speak to animals. Khleopatra is the kind of person who would remotely live many people’s lives if she was bored. She’d sacrifice herself to make a philosopher’s stone and she’d time travel to have a few different bodies with names like “Khloe” and “Chloe” and convince you that you really wanted a child called “trunx” or a “thirteen” because she is a sex offender. She’d let you take the blame for it, and really if you do it more than once – it’s some kind of habit.

She will do anything to make you think that you are her. You are not her.

She would ask: “Did you ejaculate in my food?” and then she’d think “I will curse it just to find out.” Then she’d be like “I’m fucking hungry, so, I’ll still eat the hell out of it – but if you ejaculated in my food your firstborns and your kids first borns and any firstborns in your family will die by the age of five” is a routine curse for her. She means it.

If I have sex with person wearing a condom, this happens to my inner vagina.

ask every guy i have had sex with that has gotten me pregnant. which is more guys than you might be inclined to think

UNLESS you are some kind of meditative spirit master teacher genius that can share a body with all matters of life (at honestly, great fucking personal cost) (my maggots air bend their scent to tell me they’re thinking of me, okay – and I NEED them so I can use the TOILET and THEY KNOW IT.) (the birds use me to share food with me. i mean the seagulls in brighton used me to learn how to speak human and then they literally respond to my TERRIBLE thought-jokes.) (the pigeons are protecting me from the seagulls, i think)

i will film it one time

When you make men trust you by telling them lies and then they realise that you were telling them lies they get really upset. So heath had about 10 years to go fully insane and come to terms with his life being a lie and he’s not going to say no to a post-humous pity-oscar  for a supporting role and an offer to play Sephiroth. (would you?)

Obviously I’m not dating either but preemptively, I accept a life of being seriously abused by all the people I trusted, in exchange for them.

You can daydream about having sex with them first (and who wouldn’t) but they’ll come back 2 me. Because I have really sexy feet okay.

Do i think you think i mean it? yes. Do i mean it? no.

which bits

the foot bits, everything else I mean 100%

I know some of my food was fucked with. I paid for that food.
I drank pure alcohol and lemon. Both are antiseptics.

You might think that what you’re doing will go without notice or punishment but sadly everyone gets caught and you can invest in ‘seeing the future’ but uh.

The future changes when I do something unpredictable.