Posts from the STYLE Category

I have had several bowls of coco pops today. I was actually really dwelling on how I am now one of those people that consumes cereals more than once a day. I’m a poor sim. (Nono, this is the second or third day I’ve been eating cereals. I’m in it for the chocolate milk. My budget doesn’t permit chocolate milk. My guilt function makes it really difficult to buy things that I need to recycle because I hate to wash the packaging so I leave it sitting in the sink and end up binning it anyway.)

My Tescos shop is coming in on Tuesday, I think. I’ll have to snoop around for a pound or two for some extra milk.


I am waiting for paint and glue to dry. My artists studio? um flat? has gotten twenty times cuter. I am pretending to be riche with a £12 William Morris-ish wallpaper I bought from Wilkos by pasting it into the cupboard. It has changed the vibe of my flat from at least one angle.

I bought that trunk for about ten pounds and I’ve been doing little things to it. The lady in the shop said it was from the Victorian Era (she might’ve said inspired by or something to that effect) but I don’t know that they had turquoise dyes back then. It’s unimportant because I love it.


Here is me donning some shorts I dyed purple when I was living at Bernie’s.

It’s taken me longer than usual to write this post. I should really tidy and make my bed. I took these photos on Friday morning. It’s now Saturday afternoon. I have to run out to meet a few of my daily errands.

Here is a rule I’ve learned as someone who has been consistently fucked over – whether I knew about it at the time or not – the people that fucked me over paid for doing it. Like – they really, really paid. If the people that fucked me over knew me at all they also would’ve learned to “carry on” as if they were not suffering: because that is how I suffer.

I would’ve learned that from my mother – dancers are in constant agony and that is why their careers very seldom last for longer than a period of twenty or so years. I am sure the span of their careers are also related to how little they typically ate throughout the lives they spent training – they eat little to avoid having ‘body builder’ physiques and even the men don’t particularly want to look like inflated wildebeast/brontesaurus hybrids leaping (sometimes their own heights distance) into the air, amongst delicate petite women as ballerinas were encouraged to appear. It is a digression from what was supposed to be a concise paragraph about karma but I am still in shock at how stupid people have to be to believe that footballers really are that bulky. I eat more meat than most human beings do and have done so all my life. There are plenty of things I know nothing about – but their bodies, you can’t lie to me about. If only because I’ve met too many physiotherapists and specialists. I’m still trying to work out the memory of me going to a doctor because I wanted to have my leg muscle “shaved down”. You know you can affect my memories and most people I have personally known that liked football have later realised that it was quite likely that the worst moments in their lives and their torn apart families were probably affected by footballers doing the same to them. These men should not have been made celebrities of. Their wives should not have been made celebrities of. These are not the kinds of people that we should encourage young people to idolise. And whether we like it or not, we are constantly looking to other people for qualities deserving to be emulated. It’s probably an evolutionary trait.

And when it comes to people paying for fucking you over – if people are suffering over unacceptable decisions they made out of selfishness – they often do everything they can to hide the fact from you. A person who had made your life difficult to suit themselves or to soothe whatever you were doing that was fucking them up (I was just living and uninterested in football.) is paying for it. You might not see it, but know it.

I don’t like to watch people suffer and nor do I like to know that they’re suffering either. If you knew how much pain dancers were in, you wouldn’t want to watch them dance.

It’s all relative. This is a big deal to me and you might think it’s okay because I don’t seem pissed off – I am pissed off. I am furious. I have been through so much that it actually isn’t really possible to work out the time length of my reaction. I mean my sister told me she was gang raped and woke up with two men in a hotel room and many, many condoms scattered across the floor. It took me a few years to explode – and I know that there were consequences – and to add insult to injury I know that everyone knows who did it and I know that the people that did it or had any remote involvement whatsoever know that I don’t even know their names.

I despise my sister and I probably wouldn’t get on with the kinds of women that are mind controlled into the idea of enjoying rape fantasies with men that they might’ve convinced themselves would’ve been able to cope with being in relationships with them. I would not be friends with those women, I sometimes think my sister would be worthy of the death penalty for the stuff she did to me as a child – I am still that pissed off it happened. It’s not about those women in particular – it’s about the fact that someone has to be accountable for this and if society allows it to be those women they have ruined the lives of every woman they know. It’ll take time to realise and I have plenty.


I feel quite awful because I still can’t find my phone and a gentleman was supposed to come over today to help me tidy my room. It’s funny how one can coincidentally lose things in such a tiny living space when one has appointments that they need to make. I don’t believe in coincidences though.


Today I donned Kari’s Naked Dress

(Dear Kim Cattrall, I heard along the grapevine that is Wendy Williams – that you had a fall out with your co-stars. I know how it feels to fall out with people – especially younger friends – that you look out and that actually quite took your influence in their life for granted and I know how it feels to feel betrayed (women betray one another all the time and usually we don’t care or turn a blind eye but when we actually feel it – it’s terrible) through your most difficult and hardest times, but there are lots of women – amongst them myself – and men, actually – straight and gay – who dream of a SATC come back. I don’t have the stomach for watching sex scenes unless it’s you girls… and actually I think it’s a very important time for women to stop regressing to the 50’s. I am not asking you to be FRIENDS with them – I am begging that you ask your management to ensure that you are the highest paid cast member – and publicised for being so – and interviewed about it “well ofcourse, Samantha is the star of the show. They’re nothing without her.” ALL THE BETRAYED SAMANTHA’S NEED YOU TO DO IT – and to dedicate all that fury towards the angriest-Samantha that the World has ever seen, we actually haven’t seen her truly angry – apart from when Bailey okayed you for flypostering your cheating monster boyf – I swear on my life I think I heard an agreeable gunshot outside) (I also think that if they can manage to include within the script that there has been a fallout amongst the cast it would help a lot of women learn to apologise to other women – who deserve apologies – and how to fix friendships.) (YOU DON’T HAVE TO MEAN IT – PLEASE DON’T MEAN IT AT ALL – BUT IT WOULD HELP A LOT OF WOMEN. TRUST ME.) (I mean my “friends” were only ever “acting” as friends anyway and I’m sure most friendships between women who are in the same line of work would be the same)

and a leopard print pyjama shirt with a pair of nude tights from Bloch.

I don’t have the budget for such fantastic pairs of tights but theres an online sale and I advise this brand before any other. They’re made to be worn and not to tear or lose shape because they’re for dancers.

They sucked you in in all the right places before people knew that underwear could do that and – not that I am – I’m legit not actually –  I shower like Keith Flint back in his rockstar days (UNOFTEN – unless my shower is really pretty – it’s not right now) they are made to absorb a lot of moisture and it’s difficult to make them smelly.  Notice the marks from where they were sucking me in. FYI I’m into tights and the marks that clothes that fit too tightly leave. I know that makes anorexic women want to cry but thank GOD they’re out of fashion now.)


FYI I’d like to think I am a little bit of all of those characters, (Or Big’s mother. Tell me that Mr Biggles isn’t one of my future sons)

Actually it makes sense that biggles would get jelly about the Jazz Man.

I love like Samantha has sex – and I fantasise over the arts and domesticity and bento lunch boxes like Charlotte does (but I am more kawaii) and I have a lowkey admiration for SINCERE, bald, Jewish guys – WITH DEGREES – with hilarious temper problems that I can bully (there is little I can bullied for back about), I guiltlessly overshare my personal life and obsess about myself at inappropriate times and prefer the idea of having a wardrobe full of my own handbags and shoes rather than sharing one with a husband, like Carrie and I think that I aspire to someday be a Miranda-esque cut-throat professional of somekind. Also they all sort of bully men in their own way and what a time to be alive. Men have been bullying us for years.

went grocery shopping, had a look – both – in & around some of the local charity shoppes and visited the brick-a-brack. (Actually it isn’t a brick-a-brack; it’s a fantastic shoppe that sells pieces you really won’t find anywhere else. I’d like to make a proper video about it in a month, so Brighton has some time to learn to mind their manners.)


(I imagine that biggles would say “like HELL are you my mother in those shoes, but thanks for taking back Vans”)

This song came on when I was snooping around in a charity shoppe. (poor biggles)

I had to avoid the Vintage Workshoppe today because I’d of spent ALL OF MY MONEY. If you live in Brighton it is your favourite shoppe that you did not know existed.


I have Tiger-Lily feet in this photograph. I can dance like Tiger-Lily – IN PUBLIC – and make all the other girls wish they could dance like Tiger-Lily IN PUBLIC too but. If I’m not doing it you don’t have the guts. I know I should delete it from history because I am hunching a bit and I am not accentuating my curves the way that Betty Page would’ve expected all of her slutbaby-sittees to, but if you can’t comfortably do this – don’t pretend you can comfortably do otherwise.

(Remember, the upside down pyramid represents FEMALE energy. So these are men with male bodies and female energy – before we are physical forms we are energy, so.)

Also it’s worth noting – and this is the real reason why Big won’t have babies with Carrie – that in Peter Pan that it’s an OLDER woman carrying a baby on her back in a papoose. The Levis and the Bigs have ‘milf’ fetishes. It makes their lives really difficult.

Like women who are into men carrying babies and being maternal and shit,  Levis are into women carrying babies. This fucks some people up because it leads to conversations that they do not want to have or otherwise can’t have outloud. Trust me to tell you all.

So – some women and men go into “BABY VOICE” mode (I live in baby voice mode – remember though, that I spent most of my life asleep and alone. And that by the age of about. um. thirteen? Most human beings have left the house more than me at twenty nine and spoken to more people than me, at twenty nine.) and I know that I attract people who are into that – for whatever reasons – but also those people then get accused of being ‘pedophiles’ and all sorts of nasty stuff like that.

At some point we will need Madeleine McCann to come out of whatever Russian Hideyhole they’ve got her in to explain what a REAL pedophile is. Real Pedophiles have evolved, they have lots of pretty children – even though they’re very rarely in love with their partners – and get jobs where they’re entrusted with positions that let them into people’s homes – like becoming “police men” or “firemen” and they do all their pedophilia stuff within the safety of their police and firemen appointed blocks of residential flats while their wife prepares them a meal. They like to get their pretty kids to hang out with other pretty kids and watch them do all sorts of weird stuff – they occupy the bodies of those pretty kids and those kids end up with memories that keep them mortified late into life. Fortunately that doctor ass raping me with an enema while four nurses held me down gave me such severe ptsd that I have forgotten MOST of the stuff I did in those pedophile rings. It was so kind of my colleagues at University to have reminded me of those terrible stories that I had to consume drugs to forget, with the kind of nonchalance that has me until now wondering how they got into University/survived into adulthood at all.

See you think that I’m the only person that this can be done to, but actually if you were a Jewish man you’d have been taught to be grateful for not being born a woman because it can be done to ALL women. AND SOME MEN TOO.

I have no idea how the fuck Jesus Christ controlled his erections when he was posing for those paintings but men get them ALL THE FUCKING TIME. THEY CAN’T HELP IT. MAYBE A CHILD BRUSHED UP AGAINST HIS CROTCH. WHO THE FUCK KNOWS.

I don’t know about Big being portrayed as particularly spiritual but if you are spiritual you believe that your baby and it’s mother are sharing energy when they’re pregnant. That is a nice way of saying “they take turns occupying the mother’s body”. A lot of women don’t know about that and there aren’t many men who will be prepared to explain it the way I can.

I did go to a spiritual school that taught it’s students NOT to have sex unless they were specifically trying to get pregnant. Government schools do not teach you this because they encourage young people to fall in love and have sex – they sell on the fetuses that young girls get aborted and do plenty of weird stuff for the wealthy – who often aren’t in love and who often aren’t raising their own children because they know too much about the World to be able to fall in love. Then there’s the fact that – AND IT IS IN THE BIBLE – it takes THREE to fall in love AND have babies. Scientists will tell you that “falling in love” is a chemical imbalance in the brain – that is why people who are in love all the time seem completely drunk. Men and women who go around fucking everything in the absence of love are important – for a few reasons – women NEED slutty women because those women put men in their place. This is a good thing for social evolution and it is also a bad thing, because some men get led away from relationships where they could’ve genuinely loved a person (and having sex before you’ve hung out with someone for two weeks is not going to make him love you, nor will making him marry you/making him so jealous that he marries you to stop you cheating on him/fucking with his abandonment and mummy issues that I irresponsibly joked about in my early twenties and which women used to coerce men into relationships that have fucked them up so much and that they can’t leave LITERALLY because they’re too embarrassed for me to know that I – AND MY SPIRITUAL TEACHERS – MANY OF THEM MATURE WOMEN WHO WERE PROMISCUOUS IN THEIR YOUTHS – WAS RIGHT.)

I am anti BDSM. I think it’s grotesque. I think most people aren’t mature or intelligent enough to really acknowledge the affect it has on any living thing’s brain. The ONE – ONE argument I can honestly advocate for towards it’s benefit is : if you want a sex life, sometimes you have to do stuff that would keep your weird spiritual child – THAT YOU STOLE – out of your bedroom. By doing stuff that scares them. I don’t know.

Anyway. POOR LEVIS AND BIGS. Also if you were to research the archetypes in the Greek Pantheon you’d learn that we have a karmic history wherein daughters/sons/mothers/fathers fall in love with one another and it affects families. If i humped your leg as a child, I’m very sorry, I wasn’t in love with you and I probably wasn’t attracted to you – I was bored and I really didn’t think you knew I was doing it. Also I wouldn’t of associated it with sex because I didn’t know what sex was until I was at least eight? I did pretend to be stupid for a lot of my infancy because I learned that if you pretend to be stupid you can eavesdrop on conversations and the ‘adults’ will think you don’t know what they’re talking about. I grew up with a brother ten years my senior, who was a drug addict at fifteen and a LOT of his friends. I mean most of my memories are very isolated but I have a few cool ones and I held onto those like that guy in Cast Away holds onto Wilson. His friend.

I think at some point in my infancy I genuinely decided I wanted to sleep until I was an adult. And for the most part I actually did that. So take that as far as you want. I think that I love like a child does (and I think Carrie’s character and her friends – BAR SAMANTHA YOU GODDESS do too) (do you have any idea how much guts it takes to portray a woman with a man’s sexual appetite? probably not because that requires empathy and apparently most people don’t have that unless they’ve grown up experiencing serious, serious abuse.) thats quite nice for people like Big – and probably Levi (apparently his mother IS a prostitute but I’ve not seen any episodes with her in them yet and I’m KEEN to) who are professionals in psychotic industries, surrounded by sociopaths who get married for status and visit dominatrixes because thats the only thing that actually gives them an erection – and women who know too much to be genuine and really do only want you for your money.

And then that is how “the game” happened. The game is a thing that men do where they basically do the stuff every man they think you’ve loved has done to you – you know how you rudely watch my memories? Ladies? Men can do that to you. They tell you they can’t – but they can. And they do. Sometimes they make you think that you are sexually turned on by being abused but you’re not – if you read Germaine Greer’s “the Whole Woman” you’d learn that sexual energy comes from people with penises. So no – YOU’RE not turned on – HE IS. It’s SHARING energy. And sometimes you are sharing energy with men who aren’t even physically in the same room as you. But lets return to “The Game.”

Some men, for example footballers, are retarded. They have never been in love, mostly. They wouldn’t want to have become footballers if they had ever been in love. They play the game and that involves seeing how much they can get away with doing to a woman under the guise of ‘unconditional love’. This means they steal “personal jokes” from your first relationship, they create ‘levels’ through which they engage with women, if you were one of the lucky ones that got bought lots of gifts by ‘daddy’ then they’ll buy you lots of gifts (fucking HAHAHAHAHAA by the way) – a lot of men have been leaving their bodies since infancy to stalk women and watch them do stuff, going to the toilet, showering, bathing etc. So they aren’t very clever. If you want to know what books they’ve read, you have to find out which women they’ve been stalking.

So if you’re one of those women that had tingly feelings reading Dave Pelzer – that’s probably one of the men in your life, don’t worry. But they do later use that to fuck you over with and make you feel guilty about. They might’ve heard stuff about “twinflames” or read about BDSM – and guilt is a form of controlling another person. If you have never loved anyone, if you married the first person you slept with – they’re not your twinflame. Gamers will understand. Twinflames are your “final boss” in IN-LOVE relationships. They’re all of your life lessons condensed into one person.

People that play football left school at sixteen – and if they have learned too much about social hierarchies like the Illuminati, they try to dominate everyone that they know to climb a ladder it takes many, many, many familial generations to climb – TOGETHER -, even if it means stalking women and faking all of their in-love relationships by doing stuff their first boyfriends did

Now I’ll explain MY family. My sister is not an academic. She was good at GCSE level maths and manipulating men. Not as good as me, but good enough. The difference between us is that she grew up with Omi – who told her the truth about boyland.

I was not told the truth. I listened at Sunday School and I actually concentrated on watching my favourite shows – which taught me how to speak. Even if I could manipulate men, and perform an attraction – I wouldn’t – because it would be dishonest. She wanted to be a ‘lawyer’ when she grew up because my mother encouraged that aspiration, and I think that’s great. Whereas she could only get so far because even though she had a private education, and I mostly didn’t, she hadn’t paid any attention to spiritual laws. If you ignore spiritual laws – which are a bigger deal than the laws that make police feel im-pow-tant – you aren’t going to get very far with the Illuminati, thats for sure.

That is why people like Tupac are important – that is why people like Ville Valo – who sang about LOVE were important. That is why Disney films are important. That is why secret societies like O.T.O are important.

Your shadowself might want power but if the self you show to everyone isn’t as flawless as how the Catholics like to portray the Virgin Mary (who was a compulsive liar – and had to be – or she’d of been buried in a hole with her head sticking out and stoned to fucking death) – your shadow self is fucked. And we are constantly alternating between the two of those. And all the selves in between those.

My shadow self and my “light” self are quite aligned. My Shadow self loves the idea of power – because she can use her power to do “good” things. My lightself likes pot plants and enjoys watering them. My shadow self enjoys how much it pisses people off that I can take care of pot plants. My lightself likes to make food that is pretty so she can take a photograph of it and also because she likes food that tastes nice. My shadow self enjoys how much it pisses people off that no one has taught me to cook and that generally, my meals taste better than any of the food I’ve been served by chefs that weren’t working at my favourite junk food franchises. My lightself is actually much crueller, to other people, than my shadowself – my lightself will say out of honesty if she doesn’t like what you’re wearing. She’d feel like a liar if she didn’t and she’d feel terrible for it. My shadow self would tell you that you are beautiful as you are and would justify doing so using spiritual laws that teach that it is wrong to be superficial.

You cannot be Illuminati if you have not had a spiritual education. It will kill you.

Another thing: if you want to be Illuminati, you have to be good at something. And not just one thing – you have to be good at lots of things. The idea is that we evolve through learning. Not playing a game and competing with people. That is not evolution unless you are doing sports – football is not a sport because it is actually quite UNSPORTSMANLY. It is a game – but it is not a sport. Martial Arts are sometimes a sport, but that is only if you have learned about honour and respect. It combines philosophy and all sorts of humanitarian arts and sciences that footballers have no braincell capacities for.

My talent is communicating. I am so good at it they had to put me in a hospital and render me afraid of expressing myself. That is a very stupid thing to have done to someone that you believed was mute. And yes, I suppose I was. People certainly thought so. If you want to converse with me I have to feel safe in your company – that means I have to trust you. That means you have to be your vulnerable self. You can act fake and disingenuous around me if it gives you an upperhand, but I will do the same. And what I have to say will stick in your memory and what you have to say will be swiftly erased from mine. More often than not it is. The PTSD. Thats what happens.

So to that.. the shock that people get that I can write but that I won’t speak to them, and when I do sometimes try to write to people they occasionally won’t reply or get obnoxious about it and start playing a word game with me when actually a conversation with me has the capacity to take you out of that “game” you shat yourselves into – because I have social status – whether you OR I like it or not – and actually the truth is that my being a mute child was a result of feeling I was being lied to and that people were unable to communicate honestly.

I think at some point some of these men accessed information from the free masons – who WORSHIP WOMEN (and not in the way that people who practice BDSM “worship” women – as in they truly believe that women are divine) or spiritual schools – but never got an education that accompanied that information. Or 4chan. There’s a lot of weird stuff on 4chan. These men could not compete with me conversationally because I would embarrass them – we’d both know they were repeating things they’d learned from stalking my family, my teachers and myself or that they’d seen on TV. They’ve since learned that the media is endorsed by all sorts of financial entities (they’ve even been stupid enough to invest in a few – whereas they’d only previously done so to have their wives appear as celebrities in “Hello Magazine” or to arrange to have their wives insulted for having cellulite and stretchmarks two weeks after shitting out a baby that both of them ought to have known could not have been theirs) and that not a single one of their opinions is generally their own.


We’re coming up to the worst bit, one sec. Imagine falling asleep at five or six and waking up very occasionally in between to go to school on days when you didn’t need to take a shit – and then going to University so you could finally do drugs and dance like your big brother did. And then realising at some point that everyone in life was competing over the most fucking ridiculous shit and that neither you nor they had even the vaguest understanding of how stupid it would be to compete with someone who had never had any motivation to do stuff when she realised she was never going to be a famous actor.

As in – you are this threatened by someone who has been mostly asleep since she was a child. And that the years she spent awake she was on drugs that supposedly make you “stupid”. I went to school once or twice a week, on good months, my entire life. Your sixteen years at school definitely beats my .. um. Maybe year or two attending school. And you are that rude to someone that has been a victim of a system that you think you have any business running, when actually you are perpetuating it into an oblivion that will – honestly – have you all wishing for your own deaths.

Obviously that is a very sardonic version of a life story but if you wanted the abridged version that would be it. I know you like the bits with abuse, you can read my entire blog for those. I am bored of those. I am bored of the idea of your girlfriends using Tor (i think an ex-crush of mine programmed that because he was embarrassed that I could see who was lurking my tumblr – literally thats why Tor exists. EMBARRASSING ISNT IT) or private browsers to read my blog or watch Zoella videos and that you actually use them to do so and the idea that you might do the sexual energy thing when I talk about how shit my life was, on my blog, is also. ugh. so. embarrassing.

But lets return to slutty women and slutty men and sex and the city.

Slutty men are also important – but not for any good reason, and particularly to the NHS – because they can be used to impregnate women who are only sleeping with them to get over the fact that that they’re in love with someone who prefers the town bicycleta (I LOVE THE TOWN BICYCLETA – IF SHE STAYS AWAY FROM MY BOYFRIEND/S SHE IS THE BEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD TO ME AND SHE’LL BE DAMNED TO FIND A BETTER WINGMAN TO ENABLE HER FEMINIST-FORWARD SLUTTINESS), to transmit STDs and STIs that get fertile women into clinics where they can do all sorts of tests on them and tell them all sorts of lies, and generally they are only tested for fertility (because every guy you meet is planned for you, in advance, particularly if you’ve attended a government school – but especially if you attended school with ME) and later arranged to have abortions. That’s right – every abortion that you – you and you have had was PLANNED. BY SOMEONE ELSE. SOMEONE YOU’VE PROBABLY NEVER MET AND WILL NEVER MEET.

If you think your ‘state school’ education was free, you’ve been lied to. Nothing is free. SOMEONE pays.

You can give someone a gift, but if you are giving it as a “GIFT” from the “heart” – that is, your highest self wants to sacrifice something out of true and sincere generosity – that means that YOU are paying for it on their behalf. A friend once said, after I joked – and really I was joking – that I wanted a “gift back” after I took him to charity shoppes and bought him a few things (I LOVE giving people gifts, it brings me so much happiness).

If you give something to someone expecting to get something – or worse – TAKE something back – or out of some engagement with a ‘game’ or because you might’ve somehow come across the story of Hades and Persephone – well fine. Lets explore that.

Archetypes are important to me. Who is Hades? Who is Persephone?

Persephone is the daughter of the demi-Goddess Demeter who controls the seasons. She is so close to her daughter that when her daughter goes to Hades she spends Autumn and Winter in absolute fucking misery and depression. The entire Planet suffers for it. Animals die. Harvests die. People die. But both she and her daughter stick to the agreement.

Then lets consider Hades. As an archetype – not a sexual archetype. It could be but I don’t think thats a spiritual path that many people could cope with taking.

To me Hades represents an archetype of an immortal being who was betrayed by his brothers – his entire family actually – and who resided amongst the dead with a three headed dog to guard the entrance of his home, the dead – that is –  who were living their karma as non-physical beings in a dimension or thought-landscape that probably wasn’t especially pleasant. Although I’ve never read descriptions of his home or seen depictions of the interior detailings of his home.

You’re told by Disney that “he rules the Underworld” but I don’t know that it means the same to us – species that have ‘monarchies’ and hierarchies – as it does to non-physical. It could just mean that his body is occupied by the dead.  He is surrounded by beings who are suffering because they DESERVE to – because they NEED to – to GROW.

He gives Persephone some food. Apparently all he had was a pomegranate. Karmically the seeds were so valuable to him that it cost her half a year of her life in his company. Eating that little of his food put her in that much karmic debt. Try to see it as a means of illustrating the Theory of Relativity, try to see it as a means of explaining that our interactions and our actions have prices – before making it a sexual fantasy through which you could somehow fashion your romantic relationships.

And then consider that they were chatting while she ate his food. He might’ve shared a lot of information that sped forward her karmic lessons. He might’ve taught her things that he paid a lot to learn – that’s not free either. What did it take for him to acquire that pomegranate? Her mother being in a good mood, perhaps.

Do not – please – do not romanticise archetypes for stories that have nothing to do with you. That is another reason that stories like Sex and the City are great. “I want to be a hard working woman like Miranda Hobbs, who doesn’t adhere to societal norms about what it means to be feminine, who spends her own hard-earned cash money and who has been decently educated and could probably hang out at the country club with fancy barristers and judges but cultivates a meaningful and genuine friendship with women she shares very basic things in common with and that it brings a lot of pleasure into her life to do so.”

We all have varying levels of education and they do matter. You can intrude upon and remotely watch someone having an art class but that doesn’t really being to prepare you for what it takes to be in an art class. It doesn’t teach you how to cope with competitive, insecure artists, it doesn’t teach you anything. You might watch a youtube video about pottery but that still doesn’t have even the remotest comparison to being taught by someone that has travelled the World and had to adapt to be able to learn a craft like that. Don’t compare yourselves to masters – don’t sexualise being a master. Masters very rarely have friends and their life paths are fucking tough. If you believe you are stupid, that is something you can take straight to an interview for an adult learning course.

And that on this Planet if you mistreat a woman carrying a baby it probably renders you infertile for a LONG TIME. If you decide you’d make a better parent than that person, first of all you have no idea what karmic lessons their baby (if it is their baby) would’ve wanted to learn and what that baby’s life purpose was. There’s this thing in the bible about “judging” – it is very rarely your place to judge. If you want to be a “judge”, study the law and learn to argue for both sides of an argument because you have to be able to do that to meet any kind of truth. And if you want to start playing a spiritual teacher – learn spiritual laws. Learn all of them. Appreciate every religion because our species would not have evolved if religion served no purpose. I do believe that you can transcend the need for religion, particularly when it has the tendency to become dogmatic, but first know the laws and the truth that they afford humanity. It’s not an instruction, but it’s a very important suggestion.

Try watching Sex and the City from a man’s perspective – that everyone that any of those women dated or fucked was arranged for them. The one man that Samantha could have loved – as in a man who was as driven as her professionally and successful and attractive enough for her to introduce to her gaggle of babes – ended up cheating with a woman or many – probably many – by far beneath her in every respect and ruining her life. Which would have affected her career. I mean if we are talking Illuminati the narrative changes entirely. These characters were kept single, were kept sexually active, were somehow kept away from their families (and for some people – that is a good thing I’ll admit.) and were kept in jobs where they were qualified to do much more.

I recall that an ex “friend” once commented (lets just say I was her sexy babysitter and that I should’ve been paid but I wasn’t. All I got was a crappy “benefit” lipstick that I would never have worn and a tacky cross necklace that again, I only wore once on the day it was gifted to me.) that the “charlotte” character has a miscarriage and that “carrie’s” character is so self obsessed that she makes it all about her.
It is ironic to me that she could have made such a comment, when she did so much worse to me in our friendship.
But where spirituality is concerned – why did she have that miscarriage? What men are they connected to – that could have been eaves dropping influenced that conversation?

I mean – you use what I’ve written here to explore your favourite stories. They’re all of our stories. I am really interested by history – why did Bloody Mary keep having miscarriages? I mean – obviously because the country hated being catholic – and why did people pretend that Elizabeth the first was going to marry any of the men she was being introduced to? Were she and her ladies in waiting being drugged at night and then raped? PROBABLY, YES.

SAD. Almost as sad as the World making my family – who have lived so humbly – responsible for something that has nothing to do with them – and through our being humble, have decided that they can COMPETE with our family. A world that would venerate someone like “The Queen of England” when we all know she had Lady Diana murdered, while she was pregnant.

I mean how stupid are you all? Why is it too late to insist that she is not given a percentage of your taxes? Or to give her a lie detector test? (Many, in fact)

FEELING STUPID IS HARD. I WAS CALLED STUPID ALL MY LIFE. Do you know what you do? You accept that. Thats what I did. I agreed that I must have been – I didn’t get the same grades as my peers. I wasn’t in the top groups. I had no validation to suggest otherwise.
I learned to find value in other kinds of intelligence besides academia. That does not remove the value of academia – you might suck at school but there might be other things you’re better at doing than everyone else. Sadly mine was winning arguments.

The idea that you knew anything that I didn’t and you are STILL THIS STUPID is SHOCKING.

Back to the Peter Pan Video. Up there amongst the text.

Actually I’ve been thinking lately that it would be really cool if we had a sexy effeminate/raver/pop/electro/goth Native American popstar that was too good for white women and still lived with and probably toured with his aunts/mothers/sisters. We have never had one of those.

Because I haven’t got enough to do, I’m starting a blog about Brighton Streetwear. I really liked people’s outfits today but I think you need a link to redirect them to if you’re going to approach them to ask if you can photograph them. I’ll get onnit today. I updated my LookBook. I have had three views and I credit them all to myself. A’thankyou. (Maybe I am also Charlotte’s Jewish husband’s mother as well)

This song just came on YouTube and I think I’ll leave it here as a post finale.

My mobile phone remains unfound but I’ve managed to tidy my flat up in the search for it so it’s not an altogether terrible thing to have lost.


I put lipliner, a lipgloss and some blusher on today. I’m thinking of making a youtube tutorial about it. (I’m not, that’s a joke. I’m trying to be funny. Sometimes I try to be funny on the internet and I am unsuccessful at being funny because most of the funny things I write are short statements that can be taken quite seriously by people who don’t share my humour.) (I am actually quite offended by people who do make up tutorials but haven’t studied make up or worked as a make up artist.) (Or studied chemistry, so that they can explain the ingredients. Why are so many women ‘famous’ for make up tutorials? I appreciate the idea of using your ‘personality’ to entertain people but so few people on the internet actually have a personality or care to admit what might’ve inspired their tastes in interiors or make up – and that kind of theft will only ever make you “famous” for a little while.)

The idea that people who studied and worked – and got bullied – for the notoriety that they aspired to just as much as uneducated celebrities that aspire to act but probably couldn’t write dissertation length essays analysing in depth the personalities of the characters they’ve been cast for is also offensive.

I am complaining a lot on my blog but my audiences, I’ve learned, only seem to enjoy knowing that I’m suffering.

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I like my outfit today. It’s a hand-me-down H&M shirt dress that I was given about twelve or so years ago now. I’m unsure it’s ever been washed and I’d quite like to have it taken in, in places.

This is what I look like without make up or fake tan.



This was brunch. A pork steak with egg, mushrooms, sliced tomato and a spring onion.


This might be the worst photograph I’ve ever taken but I love the edit.

I need a frame for this. How cute is my guide? (Well, I have a few guides – but how cute is this one?) (the female one with the eyelashes) (a lot of people/beings come with other halves, if you’re going to pursue a spirituality it’s wise to start with the ten commandments – basics – “don’t steal” “don’t covet” – you know. Before you decide between light and dark, know that you’re responsible enough without labelling yourself as either.

“Know thyself” is a really important one for spiritual people pursuing fame. Or have a teacher that knows the real you – so when you lose yourself she or he only needs to say one thing and she’ll have you running to your room crying happy tears because she remembers who you are, even after you’ve been through hell and back.


If I do get invited to act – I’ll be taking this role. You won’t find anyone better.


The image above is Toph from the children's Nickelodeon series - Aang the Last Airbender. 
The story of how I came to like this show is pretty good. I'll save it for my INTERVIEWS.

I’ll upload a picturegraph of me soon with make up to justify why I’d also be a great Azula incase you can’t find someone else.

I know I could do both.

I’m having a snuggly period day. I contacted the Citizens Advice Bureau regarding my issues with the Job Centre and quite frankly that was exhausting. I have emailed their ‘manager’ and he’s yet to respond – either he is stressed out because he has to fire at least three people or he’s in on it. I read somewhere that 83% or so people in the UK have a job. If that is the case – why did the Job Centre fight to justify giving me £317 pounds a month to live off? As if this country is struggling? The amount increased after a conversation I shouldn’t of been forced to have – but they really tried pushing that I should be able to live on £317 a month.

Either way I have to locate a small diary of mine and start an official complaint with DWP. I can’t locate my phone either which is a nightmare. Not because I use it to socialise but because I missed a call from Tescos about a shop and I was asleep when they were scheduled to arrive. I’ve no idea how I didn’t hear the bell, the bell is loud and my flat is small. And I quite like it like that.


I’ve finally invested in a clothing rail. It’s from John Lewis and it’s very sensibly priced. If you’re looking for a rail that’s under £40 that won’t slide to the left with a few heavy items then click here. I’ll get a better picturegraph soon, when I’ve colour coordinated and arranged as many garments onto it as I can manage.


A neighbour is coming over to help me organise my flat, install a lock in my bathroom and on my window and to put up a feature wall with some wilko wallpaper (I want to insert one of those big grin emojis but it’s actually a very nice wallpaper). That bottle of wine on my counter is for him. I’ll need a better photograph of that too – the art is inspired by a Titan Goddess called Eon and I bought it from a local shoppe here. It’s not an old wine but I think it’ll look nice ageing in his kitchen. I ought to get him some other bits too.

Edited to add: Here's the photo of the wine that I promised myself I'd upload.

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And the back.

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"Eos is a Titaness and the Goddess of the dawn, who rose each morning from her home at the edge of the Oceanus to announce her brother Helios, the sun. 
As Goddess of the dawn it was her duty to open the gates of heaven so Helios could drive his chariot across the sky every day."

[edited Wednesday the Seventeenth of April, 2019]

I watched a few episodes of Salad Fingers and Marie Antoinette today. I want to invest in adding sleeves to everything I own. I am a sleeve person.


I had elderflower cordial, lemon and nectarine noodles with lemon, red pepper, sweetcorn and garlic and a ferrero rocher today, before having 1000 mg of a painkiller (paracetamol – every tablet is 500mg) that has yet to help the pain at all. I know that people have been prescribed weed for my bowel condition but the fact that women can have period cramps like mine and sooner be encouraged to take harmful medicines that stay in your body for twenty five years (and trust me – they do) is terrible. If you really think that both the NHS and the pharmaceutical companies manufacturing these medicines don’t benefit from the lies that pharmacists and doctors are often bribed to tell, to endorse these drugs you’re completely foolish. Did you know that as far as the sciences go, we’ve reached breakthroughs that mean that technically NO ONE should experience pain? It shouldn’t be a thing anymore. As in the NHS and their manufacturers sell you medicine that keeps you ill and test their new drugs on you (they do, and they do not have to tell you they’re doing it either) – you might’ve heard the phrase “it’s a new drug” – thats code for “you’re a test subject”.

When I was about seventeen or sixteen I had a birthday in Camden. My friends and I smoked shisha at a bar there and some strangers came and sat beside us. It was a heterosexual couple and I remember them often. The woman, as I recall, wore a hat and had short hair. She told me that she worked for a company that manufactured drugs for people with AIDS and that the disease officially had a cure. This was years ago. She told me that it was technically an inexpensive drug.

A teacher of mine once told me, knowing that I had an “audience” of sorts of promiscuous and irresponsible gay men who weren’t pursuing love but were pursuing as much sex as they possibly could – to avoid gay men. She did not explain why. She taught me (a person who sort of used to wish she was a boy and who used to scream “IM A BOY” at her mother and who might’ve been born a hermaphrodite but whatever) not to have sex with someone until I’d been in their company for two weeks. Some people can have sex without getting attached emotionally, those people – she told me – make fantastic prostitutes. Some people get attached emotionally when they have sex and obviously they do not make fantastic prostitutes because it ends up damaging them psychologically. The gay men I thought of at the time – some of which were actually probably more effeminate than me – ended up having successful, first attempts at serious long term relationships using her advice. If you have sex with someone before a two week period of spending time together constantly – it will only ever be about sex. It’ll be a prolonged one night stand. At the time I didn’t realise why she’d said what she said, about homosexuals – an uncle of hers had died of aids and had not been told he had it by the STD clinics. It is a form of population control. She is a person of colour, and the virus was initially administered to people of colour and it was easiest to do so through homosexual men. Do not trust the NHS or STD clinics – if you are promiscuous and if you have unprotected sex (I am not promiscuous but I do have unprotected sex – I am severely allergic to latex) invest in a private GP. I recommend Dr Coxon – Lady Diana visited her. She was tested positive as pregnant shortly before her murder. (Not awkward at all)

Fortunately people can be moved into new bodies, a fact I’m sure people have become aware towards. (They’re not ‘computers’, they’re new bodies. AWKWARD ISN’T IT)

The NHS refused to continue employing Dr Coxon after she made a habit of insisting treatment for children whose families were being lied to about whether they could benefit from said treatments. As in – children who were going to be left to die by the NHS.

Nothing is free, the NHS convinces you it is – but it isn’t. And be careful with giving out sperm for STD checks – they do sell it on if you’re fertile and free of STDs. Why on Earth do you think that they need to check your SPERM for STDS?

If I am given a prescription to smoke weed – and I should be, if not for my condition then at the very least for the PTSD that the NHS are responsible for and a life story that would  probably make me quite eligible for euthanasia in certain countries – I will probably test the weed being provided by the NHS, but realistically when I know (trust me on this) that most of the weed being sold on the streets is being sold by the police (sad, isn’t it.) and that the pharmaceutical companies are so deeply invested in keeping people on drugs that give them more problems than they solve, and that the uneducated social “elite” (we can’t call you that anymore, you are comparatively less educated than most of our countries poor people that you keep poor) are still convinced that cannabis perpetuates proletariat subcultures and gang warfare when – it is really just our police – I will probably have to research the laws on growing. And even then I’m uncertain and uneducated about the strains attached to the seeds being sold on the market.

I recently telephoned the police with regards to making them aware that I was pretty certain my laptop was being hacked by locals (I went to University with a ‘youtube celebrity’ so I have no doubts that there are ‘youtube celebrities’ that know who I am, I was unimpressed by ‘youtube celebrity’ then and I continue to be for the most part. External beauty I am always impressed by, for a time) and I did discuss the local laws pertaining to weed here. No one will share a contact with me because they all know that I’m stalked by the police, too.

Who cares that I’m in constant physical pain. Haha. Who cares that I’m probably tired because my body has to exert energy to not feel that pain. Haha.

Imagine if all the footballers, police and other stupid people just dropped fucking dead. Haha.

O0o Dinner is an avocado, an onion, a tomato, lemon and seven prawns. But it’s being served with vintage silver wear on a tray (I think the fork was a tenner from the local brick-a-brack) so I’m still fancy. #5vegetablesaday


(I’m sitting here laughing that people actually think that this is a legitimate meal portion. And technically I’ve eaten more king prawns today – fourteen – than most people are served at Chinese Restaurants in a single portion.)



The thumbnail art of me, was commissioned from an artist on fiver 
called @dreamybon

I updated my spirituality for kids channel on YouTube with a cute teaser and accompanied it with a little song I channelled Levi to compose digitally. >> Please see my little video here. <<

When I was at University, I saw a job post for a children’s television show. I applied for it but I was concerned that my background in being a very well known blogger who journaled about her very meaningful intimate adventures and the experience of being female might’ve affected it. I find most children’s television boring and unimaginative – the kind with women and men donning ‘bright’ tshirts or embroidered jumpers embellished with sad logos and trainers.

When I was little, I got upset because I noticed my maternal Grandmother had painted lots of beautiful porcelain pieces for my sibling, and not for me. I visited her in Paraguay and at three am, when I was suffering with terrible jetlag… I saw this being aired on television: in ENGLISH.

A word of advice… If you managed to access a tarot reading that was intended for me – there are few blondes worth ‘sticking up’ for – Lady Diana is one of them.

If your blonde isn’t Lady Diana, I mean a true humanitarian that ignored her status to walk amongst people who could have caused her serious harm – to show them true unconditional love – a humanitarian who walked amongst people with diseases and gave them her time, the kind of person who would use her celebrity to draw attention to the nature of bullying, the misfortunes of people suffering with illnesses like aids and who took the first social baby steps required to encourage British people who were suffering with mental illnesses like anorexia and more young women than you might think who practice self harm and self mutilation as a form of emotional release to discuss them and to seek help – then PLEASE don’t bother falling for the manipulation of other blondes. I’m doing YOU a favour here. People forget that we grow from disputes – if you consistently ‘step in’ to protect someone from a dispute that you know nothing about, you’re actually interfering in something that might’ve otherwise had a positive result. Firstly: you cannot befriend someone you cannot argue with. If you seek to protect every blonde, you’re actually doing them a disservice because they will never learn to ‘protect’ themselves. They might also never learn to accept when they are in the wrong.

Sticking up for a blonde, when your intention is to become “popular” – is more often than not – a trap. Popularity is more often than not, a word to describe being surrounded by false people who want something from you. When I was popular – whenever I have been ‘popular’, it has been because people wanted things I had. I had many genuine male friends – male friends that saw my used sanitary towels, male friends that saw my mess, male friends that I shared very serious family secrets with, male friends that knew I had problems and my deepest vulnerabilities. Male friends that saw my armpit hair other bodily hair – and even smelled me when I was on a period and hadn’t had a chance nor could be bothered to shower because my periods make me tired. Male friends that unblocked toilets for me and pretended not to know it wasn’t me. Male friends that I treated, as closely as I could, as though they were more than friends. Male friends that I would give advice to, when they were interested in women that I felt they’d actually suit being in relationships with – because I wasn’t threatened (still am not, sorry) by other women and didn’t want to stop my male friends finding romantic happiness or love or even a one night stand if that was their thing.

Men have been the only people in my life I could ever have wanted to be friends with, and that is because I’ve identified as male. Most often I couldn’t of been in a relationship with the men I was friends with, even if we had moments of attraction towards one another. And often those men would, without my knowing (sometimes with my knowing) use me to make those women jealous. And both would do me a tremendous disservice as a result because I’d be left friendless.

Being friendless isn’t an issue, is nothing I can’t cope with – but I did get raped and sexually molested by the police, even in front of a ‘boyfriend’ – because there was no one around who cared about me enough to listen when I said “Something weird is going on.”

When I had a boyfriend who had friends I didn’t want to be friends with – I let that boyfriend go. Do NOT steal a boyfriend from his friends – because that is toxic – and because later, when you want to break up (and you will – because a person necessarily is the product of the people s/he hangs around with – so when you start ending their friendships, the relationship will suffer.) you’ll both be left with absolutely no one.

Me+You against the world is NOT romantic. It doesn’t work. I haven’t been in a relationship for years, but to say you’ve been in two long term relationships (that is – a relationship that lasted for 3 to 4 years being my first, and my second being a relationship that lasted for 5 years) by the age of twenty nine means that I probably know more about relationships than you do. My sibling is prettier than me, more feminine than me – has had 9-5 jobs working for people that did very important jobs – she can drive and is to an extent, ‘responsible’. She has never been in a proper relationship. She has lots of friends, lots of acquaintances ready to pounce at the chance to be in her life – but when it comes to being in a relationship, I’ve been in relationships with men she would never have had a chance with. I’ve turned down relationships with men she’d of never had a chance with.

Once I was talking to a guy that I’d found on a friend of her’s twitter, he was a music producer and an actual-someone. All of her ‘friends’ were actual-someones. Her friend asked her, to ask me, to stop talking to him – because he was hers first. The moment I was asked, I deleted his details and stopped speaking to him. That kind of decency is hard to come by, you meet a person like me once every ten or so years. We’re pretty easy to take advantage of but also we know that if we are true to what we percieve as values – that when we need it, the goodness is returned to us in equal measure. If you keep stealing other people’s dreams, wishes and aspirations – or even friends or love interests – worse will be done to you by some version of me that doesn’t share my decency. I can take a hard time because that is all I’ve ever known – most people can’t. Don’t give yourself a hard time by fucking good people over. Especially not to make yourself ‘popular’.

It takes a lot of effort and energy to make true friends and to maintain those friendships it takes years of loyalty, disputes and ideally growth. Not everyone needs true friends, but that is a very rare person indeed. We’re taught that all people aspire to is to be loved, not me. If a person like me: takes time out of their (difficult at times, frankly) life to offer you advice – you ought to listen to it. People are not born choosing to “be alone”, they’ve become that way, and they’ve learned the toughest lessons life has to offer through the decision.

But words seldom teach, especially to a generation that has never bothered to pick up a book.

This is somewhat a passive aggression towards a few of the women that stalked me to University – one stalked me to more than one university – copied how I liked to dress, copied my aspirations – didn’t stop thinking about me at all. It’s very tiring to be even remotely associated with people like that.

And it’s insulting when people think that you’re somehow more talented than I am – I inspired your talents.


How wonderful are these little cakes? The one featured in my video is my Golden Petal pudding and it has an orange filling, without the bits. The recipe can be found >> here. <<

This is the video I didn’t use.

Postsecret was decent this week.



I’ve had a fun weekend and it’s only Saturday.

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I offered to intern at a cafe today but the guy that owns it apparently already has an intern. Apparently she “does ballet”. I ought to have asked “what on EARTH do YOU know about ballet?” but I didn’t because he kindly gave me a discount – I illustrated on a tile, to gift to one of his young customers who was celebrating her birthday and was sweet enough to come over and compliment my work even though she was having a little party with her friends. They were a lot of fun to eavesdrop on and a bit too old to be so intently supervised by adults actually. There were enough of them to create a devastating riot in a cafe and they were not timid, quiet flowers – they were actually quite wonderfully naughty (not destructively naughty but gossipy naughty).

I ought to offer some suggestions as to how to properly decorate and cater for a birthday party, actually.

My phone has mysteriously disappeared and the only things about it I’m sad for losing are a video where I prove telepathy is real through a chat with a reader on Oranum (that ones caused a lot of awkwardness with ‘family’ actually), some excellent nudes, a weed dealer’s number and the beautiful Kikki.K initial stickers fastened to the back. I know I’ll get it back but… ugh, I need it to sign into my YouTube account. I thought for a moment.. “if those girls stole my phone they’d probably make me famous”. (They’d laugh at the suggestion.)

Edited Monday 28th January 2019 to add: I found my phone – also

I noticed the girls hadn’t brought any cakes to the cafe so I baked all Sunday, thinking about them. I made little sacred heart cakes. >> You can see more here! <<


And I noticed that they weren’t even dressed up for their visit, I also noticed they were very kawaii and I wish they’d of made some effort for a birthday party.

You only ever get one of those annually.

Ealing is never going to get fancy if you don’t make an effort.




It’s 8 AM. I’m already active, I’ve pottered about and returned to >> the bathroom << for my garment dying adventure. As written in the last evenings post, I’m due for a visit to my doctors to have some very serious discussions. It makes me sad to think about the discussions that need to be had, which is why I’ve chosen to meditate before hand.


Art is meditation for me.


I’m going to have some embroidered labels made for this I think. And replace the buttons. No one ought to do up their denim jackets up anyway.


Rather than leaving clothing or fabric to soak in a dye, I like to pour the powder on directly and then brush it in myself.



Dying Garments is a process that takes a very long time. Especially this drying nonsense.


I’m going to wait until I can have these items dry cleaned, I’m concerned that washing them without first treating them will ruin the work before the fibres of the fabric have had a chance to absorb the colour.


This channel, I've noticed, has a habit of uploading some unusual and
 inaccurate edits of Abraham Hicks. I enjoy this video but I certainly
 wouldn't advise you listen to all the videos on this channel. 
I'd advise you to visit the discussions directly from the official 
Abraham Hicks Foundation website.

There's a fantastically worded question that references how we've 
gone from a "Newtonian" approach to Physics to a "Quantum" approach 
to Physics that deals with the assertion that we are energy particles.