Bernie

My Landlady read my blog and asked what “lyf” is and I said “I’m trying to be ghetto, Bernie” and she was like “ghetto? whats that?” and I think I said something about Brookyln and America and she said “oh, I’m not current with the times”

#hackneyqueens

HACKNEY LYF DAY II

I’ve found the local stripclub and some one off freelance jobs to attempt to apply for. I’ve been bonding with the cat crew – they’re pretending not to want to exchange friendship for food though so I might stop sharing, to see if they’re still nice.

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I also bonded with the local chicken shop staff. The guy threw my nuggets into the oil with his bare hands, which is fine I guess, whatever – like I’m sure the heat kills the germs. I’ve eaten a kebab (in packaging) out of a bin in a psychiatric ward before, when I wasn’t given any cash to buy myself stuff I needed and I was really fucking hungry.

Segueway
I’m a vampire, I’ve tried not eating meat – it makes me ill. I get skinny without exercising so fast that I’d be the envy of all the anorexic girls and I lose a LOT of hair. And also if I go to sleep hungry, I wake up and find out people have died. I’m not an immediate danger to anyone, I’m actually kinda adorable in one of my nicer moods – but that doesn’t change my reality. Or yours. I know it’d probably be nice to destroy a person like me, but I can’t prove I’m a vampire and neither can you.
/Segueway

I asked if he’d washed his hands before touching my food and he pretended not to be able to understand English (which means no). Good move, I might try it. I then gestured as you do when you wash your hands and he continued to pretend that he couldn’t understand what I was asking.
I excused myself and went to the adjacent corner shop and bought him some purple handwash. He insisted that he had some already but I insisted that he keep it in any case.

As I exited the chicken shop, I was holding a few too many things and the vinegar (I can’t eat nuggets unless they are soaked in vinegar – which, like lemon, also kills germs) poured out of the packaging and dripped onto my new dress. It’s fine, whatever.

Some quiet and distant thought told me “that was a waste of money” (buying the guy at the chicken shop a handwash that he “didn’t need”) and I responded to that thought with “well it’s worth it” – I mean, making that guy uncomfortable for a moment (that he will not forget) could save a lot of people from consuming the undesirable germs that might’ve been festering on his hands. For some people, £2 for a meal is still a lot of money to spend.
Tell me I’m wasting money to my face – ever – and if I don’t visualise punching you I will show you this. I know what I’m doing, thanks.

Never forget that shops – selling supposedly inexpensive food at that price – actually exist because of the micro-economy that keeps poor people poor. Some people literally could not survive without food marketed at these prices. An ex of mine and his mother were both on unemployment benefits at one point and they lived from pound coin to pound coin. They might’ve had food in their fridge but they might also not-have had gas and electricity.
I know that East London has become really trendy – because of the artists that flocked to East London years ago (to be able to both survive and live their dreams) and then the people who flocked to East London to pursue them – but I’m actually living in an area that is absolutely surrounded by council estates, which I personally find absolutely beautiful, vibrant and inspiring. But the reality is that if you’re born and brought up here, the chances of you coming out of an economic mentality that permits you to see any sense in the kinds of prices you’re expected to pay for basic amenities and food outside of this area are shocking.

I’ve spent almost £20 on some disposable razors (necessary), a little 2-prong plug for my TV, a 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner (I’m really lucky to have resilient hair because most people’s hair need good products to be healthy), two handwashes (one for my bathroom – one for the inconsiderate guy at the chicken shop), some really poor quality toilet paper that I’m actually kind of dreading using and a milka chocolate bar.

At Uni, whether we acknowledged it or not – me and two other girls (and our gaggle of “boyfriends) were from pretty humble families were the envy of a LOT of people (who were wealthier by FAR) who did their darned tootin’ hardest to destroy our friendships. And they succeeded – they got me on my own for the most part, and I was gassed and raped in my flat. Thanks for making me so tough. I mean it.

You just can’t buy some things – style, personality, taste and good manners amongst them.
We had you fooled, didn’t we.
*I had you fooled, didnt I (I am a supreme babysitter – like I don’t even need to hang out with your child to babysit them)

(For me, everything is an experience and my life is my own movie. I like to keep my spirit guides entertained.)

That £2? I spent on handwash that I wouldn’t get to use gave me the chance to make a point on an issue much bigger than you might be able to comprehend, gave me a good anecdote/story (good conversation is so, so important for influencing people) and I regret nothing.

Next we’ll discuss: the importance of dance lessons (I have bad posture by choice, but have you seen me with good posture?), speech and drama lessons (I might go mute sometimes but I can outspeak you) and having an eclectic taste in art and artists (being able to see and learn that there is beauty in everything) – even if you don’t plan on acknowledging that the only worthwhile thing a person can do is create art, it is the truth.

Also – if you are the kind of person who can afford to buy beautiful things, doing so doesn’t actually mean all that much. But if you are the kind of person who chooses to buy beautiful things even though you don’t have much – that sends out an energy to bring more beauty into your life. Theres a Louise Hay meditation that says that even if you live in a humble home, and you don’t much like your surroundings – a good start would be to make the most of what you do have, loving what you already have – I think she suggests that you “hang a picture in your garage” or something. And if you can’t afford a picture, or a frame, you can create your own art. That’s probably the great thing about graffiti. But even the materials are expensive. *has a flashback of drawing on the streets outside her mother’s home as an infant, with chalk*

Here’s a thing!

This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. It’s a dead tree with colourful bottles hanging from the branches.

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Do you know what glass represents? Sand. Glass really needs sand, I think it’s one of the main components of quality glass pieces. One time, years ago, I did a meditation and I went upstairs and told Lisa (she doesn’t live here anymore) and I said I saw the desert. She said “sands of time” – also “echoes of time” the last time I saw her. Time, time time. Light, light, light. “Give me time and I’ll create something great”

There’s a scene in the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe – Edmund is given turkish delight by the white witch on their first meeting. Do you know what I’d of kept? The box. Packaging is everything, to me. And if you’re going to take that as some kind of metaphor for my superficiality, well – whats inside of me is the best it can be. I love my inner-product.

Yesterday I sat opposite my landlady and said “if you were a multimillionaire do you think you’d move out of this house?” and she said “no, I don’t think I would” and I replied “same”

As always, I’ve no idea how long I’ll be around for but I’m planning on making the most of it.

#thebitchisback

There’s a lyric in Jay-Z’s last album, about how he bought a piece of art and the value of it tripled or something. I can’t afford to buy art but I can make it – and I can discuss it. I’ve influenced plenty, too!

I wonder if anyone at my old University will ever thank me for all the shit I taught them – more than any of our teachers did, at any rate.


It’s 21:02 PM and there are kids playing together outside. Nice. Noisy and nice.

HACKNEY LYF

I need things.

Like I especially need a really fancy handbag – I used to have a Paul & Joe one that was so0o0 Miumiu but someone ripped it to shreds trying to get my MDMA out and I literally forgave her because she was beautiful – but no handbag has ever managed to seduce me as much since. <– Did I write that?

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I did important things today.
I tweezed my fridabrow, put on a cute cheap dress without showering and took some photos for.. a thing. I need to set up my printer and print out some documents and I definitely will. I also ought to put my hotdogs in the fridge, maybe.

Speaking of Frida, if you’re one of those people that other people like to photograph looking bad, or you secretly think of yourself as a model but you make so many weird faces that being photographed is hit or miss … invest in lots of little inexpensive mirrors so you can photograph yourself and see what you’re doing.
Also I am a really, really good photographer. (You probably should’ve remembered that before telling me about your “model” girlfriend.)

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I updated my >>flickr<<. Can we bring flickr back please, it’s better than facebook.

I mean, unless and until facebook admits they deleted my old facebook because I uploaded a video of me dancing with one of my exes and they got jelly, I’m MAD AT YOU AND WE ARE IN A BIG FIGHT

Also whenever you date a guy called Tom… you’re either dating a me or the boring guy that was friends with fucking everyone on myspace

Light self/shadow self etc

Ugh god I am being a total ladyboy and totally obsessing over lady gaga right now.
I’m at least 70% hoping one of my hautie stalkers will come spend a few days with me at Haus of Unicorns and Psychix. They’ll probably show up a day or two before Lisa comes over by some 100% coincidence and fall in love with her/mum zone her instead.

Also I now get how it felt for the people that pretended not to crush on me, when I was in ridiculously long-lasting shitty relationships with people that were too attractive to fully despise. (Is that why you had tinder fixed so I could only find ugly people?)

TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER

I had a really cute Aphrodite in my life and then she fucked me over and then I got given one that was literally too unattractive to be cruel to. Never again, please. Also – no one that was dropped on the head as an infant. That is one of my insults when people are nasty and it gets awkward when I ask and they say “YES!!!”

I’ll have either Louise or *hides behind a blanket and stares*


For every person I’ve actually fancied, that wasn’t me in another body

Last night I moved back into Haus of Psychix & Unicorns. None of these photographs do the room any justice but I wanted to capture some details. My life has cycles – I’ve always been vaguely aware of them but essentially, they involve struggle > pick my allies (often the wrong ones) pick my enemies (generally people who have mistreated me, it’s not some random selection) > revenge on my enemies > allies forget everything I’ve done for them/taught them and eventually they also become my enemies (y’know how Harry Potter tries to use Snape’s own spell against him…??) > isolation (some kind of grief) > struggle (like gathering resources and working things out with hindsight) > even bigger fucking revenge (this bit I have always been perfect at)

So0o if we team up, try not to pretend I’m not your revenge too

I’m trying something new – if I wouldn’t fuck you or mother-zone you, there’s 0 chance of us being allies. I think it’s safe to say the next phase of my revenge is going to be pretty explosive (not literally, although truthfully iunno anymore, ha). I know it’s important to some people, to have hippie-ish ideals and motivations in life but that’s never, EVER going to work for me.

Abraham Hicks says that if we all had peace, and if we all liked each other, and we all functioned on some sad hippieish smurf and smurfette level of existing – there’d be no growth. So I apologise in advance for the worst of me which is yet to come.

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HAHAHAHAHAHAH

I LOVE HER SO MUCH

 

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Lil Kim was on a radio show and they played her a rapper called Cupcake and she’s amazing. I can’t.