When I had what appeared to be an addiction, it was no such thing – it was the conscious repression of a nervous breakdown that I needed to have for many years – I would have serious rage episodes when I had no weed. A psychic on Oranum called ‘HealerMassada’ said “listen to Louise Hays and practice affirmations”, it changed my life. I could sleep without weed. My then-boyfriend had erectile dysfunction and his penis actually ‘grew’ one night, and that is what guys really care about ultimately, I imagine. When there is nothing else.
Louise Hays affirmations helped me heal from insecurity, I could tidy my room because I heard her say “hang a picture or something attractive” and “it’ll eventually be tidy”. I could get myself out of bed, I could go to work, I could cope with nasty people at work, I started hoping after life experiences again. I started choosing to forgive. I heard her suggest “Abraham Hicks” and my first response was “no, I don’t want to be taught by a man”. I became very, very pretty and my body was very useable. I came to term with serious injuries.
Louise Hays says “we chose our parents”, I have to force myself to think about what I might have wanted to learn from my mother.
I learned how to argue. I prefer not to. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. When I win arguments, I look like the ‘bad guy’. I do not get involved if I shouldn’t get involved. Sometimes I know better. Not always, but we’ll see.
My ‘birth mother’ was a ballerina. I hated ballet but if you can cope with studying ballet, gymnastics, acrobatics and really any martial art is easy. If you study ‘Aramaic’, ‘ancient Greek’, ‘Latin’ or ‘Sanskrit’; any language thereafter comes very easily. They’re the originals and the languages after that are their children. If you study ballet you learn how to posture, you learn how to carry your body. It takes a lot of energy to move around properly and I do not do it at home but I try to do it in public. I’d prefer to sit like ‘L from Deathnote’ than how a dancer would/should be expected to sit. It is bad form and it is lazy. Sitting properly is tiring.
I’ve never studied Greek but I learned that there are many forms of love, there’s the love you feel towards a Brother. The love you feel towards a “Father”. The love you feel towards a friend. The love you feel towards a lamp. (Do not steal my stolen jokes)
I’ll explain the origins of that joke. I once walked into my sister’s bedroom and noticed she had some really nice things. My mum told me she spent the money she was gifted on buying herself things, and that she transferred the love she felt for people to objects.
That became “I love lamp” in Anchorman. The chat with my mother came first.
That became me imagining a chat with a guy I liked, in a bedroom in Denmark. Almost nothing in that room was actually mine. I was depressed because I had no nice things and I said, in my head, “I have a very big lamp”. I was pretending to be speaking to him, there was no one in that building.
He was not in the room with me but he repeated that to me.
I got PTSD. I considered all of the things he had seen me do. Oh the things. I coped with the PTSD though, because I have never ever not had PTSD. Don’t ever wish you were me, you could not cope with being me.
But I go mute when I have PTSD.
PTSD is a sign of weakness. I have to work on that.
I’m joking. If you were into ‘BDSM’ it would be a guilt trip and I don’t like that. I prefer to laugh. I like you to laugh with me. I’m too lazy for ballet and I hate sports. The only reason I’d ever want to study ballet or gymnastics would be for the movies. I wanted to be in girly action movies and game to film crossovers since I was seven years old.
Here’s what I learned from studying ballet though.
1. Do not compete with superior dancers. If you are given an opportunity, suggest a superior dancer before accepting. ESPECIALLY if she is blonde.
If you have feet like mine, make sure to find a dance teacher with feet like mine.
2. Don’t copy. Your teachers know when you’re copying. The people you are copying know when you’re copying. If you are copying, tell everyone that you admire the person that you are copying. You’ll insult your teacher but she’ll already have seen you looking at the person you’re copying, she might not say anything but she’ll know. Everyone will know.
3. If you are held back by feelings of embarrassment you won’t go that far. If you want to be a dancer or an actor you need a personal glossary of emotions.
My mother didn’t actually teach me any of the above.
But she forced me to do ballet when I was little. Then I had ‘friends’ living locally and I wanted to go to dance classes so that I could be with them. We were not put in the same dance classes.
If you practice lessons 1-3 in your daily life, your entire life will change.