I got a refund from a company called ‘Beardedbros’ and I invested in art materials and some books that I’d like to arrange to publish very-limited-editions of.
SINTERIORS MAGAZINE | > blurb <
This is a 200+ page magazine (unfinished) of interior design colour palettes for girls who are not home-makers. The next edition whenever it happens, will likely be much more interesting.
BRIGHTON SKETCHBOOK| This book is a years worth of what I’ve been upto. It is incomplete.
The image above is a lot of fun. Heath Ledger told me to ‘pick Jenova‘ – I wanted to be Aerith ever since I saw her in FFVII. These shapes formed in these objects without any influence from me. Can you see the eye and teeth in the salt jar? I have big versions. Can you see a purple figure in a top I was tie-dying, grinning?
Here is a picture I drew in my sketchbook, shortly before I befriended a bird I found on the street. I called her Killi. She is very naughty.
I am actively a lot of different identities in one body. Some are entirely mine, some are not, some are not consented to – most are. So I’ll condense points for specific audiences. This post will require time to complete.
The objects in our immediate spaces contribute tremendous-much significance to our lives.
Our subconscious is hyper-aware of that in our environment which we so-take for granted.
Artists and people who aspire to that moniker (amongst which I consider myself the latter because I do not meet the standard I expect of myself before I accept the title ‘Artist’) need to be surrounded by things that contribute to their work.
You need to know what you ‘like’ before you can create work that you ‘like’.
That is how a person develops a style of their own.
I’ve been “meditating”/thinking of Salvador Dali and he advised me to “get rid of everything you own”, ofcourse it’s correct to assume an effeminate-camp-rude-theatrical-candidness and to apply a sense of humour to the sentiment. (My sister would call someone up and say something like “I just read on her blog that she thinks she’s talking to Salvador Dali”, it is the kind of thing she does. Various family members have all sorts of gifts, she isn’t gifted and her response to anyone gifted is jealousy. If she has directed you here: ask her to stop stalking me. She stalks me.)
(if you’re feeling really ‘arty‘ you’d know he meant it, but that ‘arty person’ is a very rare person and if you exist COME AND FIND ME, I MIGHT LOVE YOU AS A POTENTIAL FRIEND). If a super-famz-non-descript footballer told me to get rid of my stuff I’d be really grossed out that he was talking to me at all. Dali is not ‘your-kind-of-people, there aren’t many people who could say something/anything Dali-esque to a person and not be met with insult, but there was no insult whatsoever, even if it was insultintended it would not be insult-taken. It was a very slow and gradual “ugh. you’re right”
I looked at the stuff that I didn’t pine-after-dream-of-owning-for-years-of-my-life, stuff that I emergency-bought because I really needed it, and which was only cluttering my room being resented by me, and it felt sort-of-right.
I had kitchenware oozing out of my sink that I couldn’t force myself to wash, I have piles of laundry that I couldn’t force myself to wash.
I did a meditation with the Goddess Kali who said not to get rid of stuff unless I had a replacement for it.
Abraham Hicks said we are physical beings navigating physical bodies in/on a physical plane and that there’s nothing wrong with having attachments to physical things.
Buddhists say that a desire for and an attachment to physical possessions is a form of suffering. IT IS. LIFE IS SUFFERING FULLSTOP.
I’ve found that I can condense my things or repurpose some of them. So, I have offensively overpriced £100+ skirts that their ‘designers’ didn’t finish, two of those skirts are now intended sleeves on a primark dress I chopped up and purchased in a charity shop. I like all three of the items much more now, with the intention I’ve afforded them.
I don’t have hot water nor do I have a washing machine, there are practical solutions to both obstacles but still, I refuse.
If I ‘loved’ those things I wouldn’t refuse, that is what Dali said.
The ‘architect’ that designed this flat was-not-well or otherwise lacked some really necessary IQ points. That isn’t my business though.
Today, when I woke up I felt dejected but motivated.
For a few days I have felt less than happy. Weeks. Months. Dejected but not defeated. Sometimes I feel defeated, but but it isn’t a constant thing. It’s a temporary ‘this-too-shall-soon-pass’.
But ‘depression’ at this point of MY personal growth, is a daily choice.
Do I want to be miserable today, yes? or no?
Being miserable is boring. So boring. Sometimes it is fun, when I have weed (I don’t, I wish I did, but I don’t.) and a fitting soundtrack and the perfect set of films, and it is an easily overcome state, but it wasn’t that kind of romantic-misery. It was some other kind.
Sometimes, when I feel that way; it really helps if I listen to Abraham Hicks – but I didn’t have access to those recordings for several months. I should buy them.
I’ve not had constant internet since December.
I have spent my life on the internet, it raised me – if I did not have the internet, I would probably have still thought that female-discharge was indicative of illness.
Privately, if the person responsible for my not-having-internet-for-that-long died for doing that – I wouldn’t care.
PEOPLE LOOKING FOR IDEAS TO STEAL
It’s great for people responsible for these kinds of house-hold-necessity-issues: that I don’t have the money I’m owed, I’d of released satellites into Space, I’d of created the leading competitor globally to every internet-provider that exists and it’d look much better and much more kawaii than BT/EE etc.
ARTISTS/NOSEY PEOPLE/SPIRITUAL PEOPLE
As for coping with difficult emotional landscapes: please do not imitate this: I went to counselling sessions, I went to psychotherapy sessions, I spent many hours talking about myself and my growing pains.
I did that first, I kept having those problems. Then I found Louise Hays at the suggestion of an Israeli woman on Oranum, called Masada, who name-dropped Abraham Hicks.
I had a period of what I would regard as an ‘addiction’, I would erupt in rage when I couldn’t get a bag of weed. I realised what was giving me rage: I HATED the life I was living. Meditation worked.
If you visit the David Lynch Foundation site, you’ll see that research has proven that people with PTSD benefit from Transcendental Meditation when no therapy works.
Get therapy first.
If you don’t trust your psychiatrist, tell them “I don’t trust you“, there are many practical explanations for the lack of trust in your psychiatrist. If I don’t trust them, it is likely they are a liar. I know that calling someone out in that way doesn’t work, I know that if I want to prove that they’re a liar I have to be quite kind/trusting. I don’t want to meet liars anymore, I don’t want to prove I’m psychic. Accept I am or do not.
But lets discuss you. Why don’t YOU trust doctors? Know thyself.
You might be paranoid (I personally doubt this is a thing, but that is not ‘medical advice’, that is, live your life and choose the appropriate responses – find an accredited therapist to help you consider whether paranoia is real.), you might have a developed intuition from having grown up around untrustworthy people (I relate), you might also be projecting the fact that you do not trust yourself.
We are a vibrant Planet full of vibrant personalities. I don’t mean that, but I am trying to be kind and upbeat. I am actually very bitter that anyone with a vibrant personality is killed by their communities. You need ‘weird’ people to ‘inspire’ you. Avoid this. I probably think that you are this. If I am drawn to this I am recovering from PTSD.
Some people pretend that they are not this. People who are not this, who meet people who are pretending not to be this depress me.
There is nothing a psychiatrist could possibly do about the fact that people do this to fit in. But I’m sure a good counsellor could help me to find coping mechanisms. I have all of the coping mechanisms. I did the work. If you do not have the coping mechanisms I recommend you find some, with whatever guidance you need.
Some people do not want to go to psychiatrists because they have a lot of secrets that make them feel very guilty. Your psychiatrist might tell someone. They do that sometimes, they shouldn’t, but they do. If you want to trust me for a moment: karma exists, karma is real. A games programmer might explain in games-programming lexis that there is a rule code: cause and effect and affect. An Abraham Hicksy kind of person might use the words “The Universe has ways of teaching you the lessons you need to learn”. Some people still do the same ‘thing’ that cause other people to suffer, those people are miserable. They pretend otherwise but they are miserable, they use their relationships with other people as a crutch (other people are their drug. They compulsively need to be around people/on the phone etc) and it is waiting for them to grow that is the most arduous.
A person who is untrustworthy with a ‘secret’ might end up, through that habit, saving a person’s life. Their intentions might have been to humiliate the person that they saved, but it’s a life saved. It is important to be honest in order to heal. Your psychiatrist might have a shadow of their own, you might both exchange habits of yours to be untrustworthy and discover together, how to overcome that habit that has probably affected many people you’ve both known.
Back to how I personally cope with depression, first of all: it is not a chemical imbalance. It is a very practical response to what sometimes feels like an unfixable life. A toy that I have been designing for some months, (I am saving you the majority of a story I doubt you’ll have the patience or concentration to force yourself to read) is, to me, a lesson that “there is always something to improve upon”.
You might reach enlightenment but that isn’t perfection. If you reach enlightenment and realise that you influence every other being by living your own life (every one of us affects every one of us), there is still plenty you do-not-know. Plenty that does-not-interest you. My toy has the capacity for a multitude of purposes and uses, if you are looking for purpose – there are many that can be afforded to you.
Do I choose to feel depressed or do I choose to find something to enjoy doing and choose to find happiness in the doing of it?
I think most people who have to come to terms with having been lied to and abused by everyone they knew and/or cared about, most people who have to come to terms with the fact that from infancy they consistently felt that they couldn’t trust anyone and that they had to ignore that feeling – in order to prove it to be the truth.
Realistically: the water you wash your clothes with is recycled urine. So it isn’t so bad that I don’t have a washing machine. The water you wash your dishes with is recycled urine. People who was their belongings in the river/sea are cleaner and more forward thinking than ‘we’ are.
I hate hippies, so we’re not going that way.
I bought a machine to dry clean my things with. I have to work the machine out. It came with obscure-star-of-david-screws that might need to be unscrewed and I do not have a tool to do that with. I could choose to care but if I chose to care about these constant incompetencies, I would be living constant temper tantrums. I cannot teach you about karma because I only learned about it through living my life. There are so many people who say things like “XYZ is your karma”, actually if you’re going that route, I transcended my karma. I reached enlightenment. It is terrible. Last night in a meditation/casual chat Lord Shiva said “do NOT aspire towards enlightenment”. He said my brother chose to be born to a Christian mother, it’s a rule book. It’s like the game guide that comes with your favourite game. “if you do this, you minimise suffering”. Those rules are not for anyone else to impose upon your life, but if you want to minimise the suffering you experience, follow those rules. It is that easy (until it is not that easy, because you encounter a person who keeps-doing-the-thing. A 9.)
I’ll offer a vague example. A person – names unnecessary- keeps annoying me. I mean they keep doing it. I get angry about it. It is difficult to make me angry but they’re so talented at making me angry. They don’t need to do much, I can have an entire town abuse me and pretend not to abuse me and not-react. This person pisses me the fuck off.
I explode in some way, I might retaliate by insulting them. They either feel validated by the insult or they feel a bit bad about it (because perhaps the ‘insult’ is just truth) and they manipulate me emotionally into forgiving them.
Sometimes I might forgive them, because the thing they did ‘wasn’t that bad’. Actually it is that bad; because if I let you do it, I have to then let lots of other people do it too. It isn’t just you, knowing me gives you influence over people that you probably do not deserve nor comprehend. It is unlikely you are responsible enough to understand that level of responsibility, I struggle to myself.
Back to this person: they win my forgiveness. Then they do it again. They convince me terrible abuse is very funny. It probably isn’t funny but I like to keep ‘funny company’, it helps me cope with the depression I have to actively avoid in order to continue to develop as a person.
And then if/when I release the recurring ‘funny person’ from my life, they manipulate other people into defending them. They tell lies because they are so desperate to be loved. So either I have to respond by telling people more than it is their business to know about me, to clarify that I know I’m being lied about or I have to ignore it, the way one might ignore a very loud fly hovering around a stuffy room.
When you consider beings like Lord Shiva who ‘reached enlightenment’, and ‘became Gods’, you have to pity them a bit. They have to wait for you – the universal you – to get over YOUR karma before they can co-exist physically with beings that have not learned everything they’ve learned.
Whether you (or I, at the worst of times) believe that I am capable of doing that, is irrelevant. I think at the best/worst of your times, you accept it, because I’ve achieved a lot of stuff through finding isolation and finding a place that I can be myself. My shithole flat isn’t a cute-farm where I am entirely self sufficient, which I’d prefer: which I’d always have preferred (did you know that? no, you didn’t.), but I am grateful for it at the height of my personal maturity. It is sufficient enough. It suffices it’s purpose.
And he would do that; Salvador Dali is guiltlessly of that nature so inclined. Shameless self-iconography, but his personality and gifts are so divine that you can’t really not-laugh. I thought of Dita Von Teese who read through one of my instagrams and said “it’s as though he wrote all of this” and it’s true, my tone of voice (marketing term) changed entirely when I read the things I wrote as if he had written them. I think that she sees everything (as if she was looking through my eyes – she was! – she alerted me to clues of him)
Dua Lipa’s youtube logo.
Dali blames Dita for all of us dressing terribly.
She’d blame Karina (meaning she blames Norma but Norma is so vicious when you tell her the truth)
(Dita used me to notice this, by the way.)
But he did not write the things I had written.
There is something of every single person you admire within you, is my personal truth.
At University I tumblr’d this animated short. It is special to me, it was then too, because it is titled ‘destino”, I call my chihuahua-aztek bestfriend/otherself ‘teeno’, ‘neeno’ ‘tintino’. He has a twitter. It might make some of my anonymous readers uncomfortable.
I learned of dogs that they are not mindless friends to anyone-with-food-bribes, actually it is a tremendous compliment if Tintin or his brothers accept food from a person. He snubs food from most strangers actually. These dogs are so intelligent (perhaps they watched ‘meet the fockers’ that when their person’s loyalties turn, so do theirs.
I do believe animals can be mind controlled if their person is stalked by the police or their wives or footballers or their wives (I was stalked by both, it is without doubt and entirely boring.), if there are enough stalkers invested in ruining a person’s life. The sad thing about being #1 in the Illuminati is that if it happens to me, be certain that it shall happen to you. Do not compete for that position. Don’t debate it either, it’s hell. If someone asks for it, I say “okay” and they come back soon enough on the brink of insanity.
Tintin spent a year in a University town, living with a girl and myself. He adored her (her mother, really, and at the time so did I) but he turned on that girl when I did. His feelings were connected to mine at that point. I turned on her because she and various other people that had never had a social life really, started abusing me. They lied about me behind my back, they imitated me to attract men or otherwise seem more interesting, and did a lot to pretend that they were not imitating me. (You can pretend you don’t stalk me to read the things I write, you can pretend you didn’t do that, but I know you did, if only because I have known far more people than any of you ever have and they all did the same thing to me.)
I am shadow-consoled by the certainty that not one of my old friends will ever again experience the level of friendship that I offered, in which sentiments like “I love you” were routinely felt and sincerely exchanged. (And if you had a friendship like that before me, it was not sincere)
But it continued “if you loved these things you would treat them differently”. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW I LOVE SALVADOR. Spanish/Latin people are very, very feeling. Which is a significant point, when I look at his work – which is deeply profound and full of meaning and minutiae that art students and historians have written dissertations about
I’ve been making a toy for almost a year. You don’t really know, reader, unless you do, how much work it takes to create something. It takes a lifetime of seeing things – watching films, visiting people’s homes, dreaming and imagining: to realise and determine what it is that you like, as a person.
To create this particular toy: I dressed up to visit a local shop I love very much, I had to wait for months, for my unemployment benefits. I selected threads and needles and pins especially for the work I had in mind. I selected filler.
of my old “friends”: they are unchanging people I find unforgivable
a psychiatrist my mother and father paid for: told my mother, once, that one’s problems follow them. He said “geography isn’t the issue”, indicating that you have to resolve your personal problems because they will recur.
My friends kept fucking my ex/comparing themselves to me (you – do not – compare to me. it isn’t a kind thing to say, but you don’t. and it is nothing to do with my appearance.)/ bitching about me behind my back (a lot of lies, a lot of ‘creativity’ invested in those lies.)
of the people in my university town: I could watch them die and feel nothing
of the people in this town: I could watch them die and feel nothing
there was this song, I liked, that a one night stand sent me by a band called mewithoutyou, and the lead singer said something like “you think I don’t mean what I say? Well I mean every word that I say”
and if you do not think that is justified, that is well within your right to be wrong.
I assure you it is justified