the Ceremony of the Enthronement of His and Her Majesties, the Emperor and Empress of Japan

Everything that I find really interesting about myself is a result of Walt Disney’s imagination and the Japanese imagination: that root-creativity is the stuff of my older brother’s and my life. Everything to everyone I’ve ever met or thought worth meeting.

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Your favourite games programmers are either Japanese, Chinese or Korean and if they’re not, then their favourite programmers probably are.

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I would like to congratulate the honourable Emperor and Empress of Japan on behalf of the United Kingdom for being my favourite couple and for the Enthronement of His and Her majesties. I know you both know I wanted to be a pornstar so it isn’t awkward, I hope. Actually I’m probably quite kid-safe viewing in Japan and I really appreciate that. (That is a joke, it is an attempt at a joke.) I also always wanted to sell my underwear at those kiosks but I didn’t think I was good enough to do so because the school girls in Japan have much more-awesome uniforms than we do over here in the UK.

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I know you two must also know that I’ve always wished I could’ve been a geisha (I am quite frankly not worthy but it’s so important to have wishes) and that I hold Japan in the highest esteem.

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Thankyou also, for keeping my generations children in the United Kingdom entertained, we forget that without you we wouldn’t even have Pokémon. Or Yo Sushi. Or grocery-made-sushi Or Hello Kitty. Or Silent Hill. Or Street Fighter. Or the Sims, I imagine. Your country and your artists keep our young people alive and dreaming, I believe. You’re probably entirely responsible, as a nation, for many anorexics trying fish for the first time too. For all sorts of reasons I believe you’re the reason that many of us are still actually alive.

I would also like to thankyou in earnest for hosting my runaway grandmother, Conchi, who I am sure celebrated with you both and the idea of it gives me fantastic butterflies. I know deep down she must’ve spent her entire life wanting to elope to you two and I’m sorry that your generation are so graceful, decent and diplomatic about these things because our whole family would have encouraged and celebrated it.

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