DOG GODS

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I’m thinking of selling underwear. Years ago in Farnham I sold a pair of knickers in exchange for a trunk. I never sent the knickers. The guy that purchased the trunk for me and never got his knickers got a really good time and used the unsold knickers as an excuse to do some very strange stuff, to make me feel guilty, not really considering that when he invaded my privacy – he stole from me first. Stealing privacy is theft. It is a choice. So he lied, stole and paid in advance to do so with a wooden trunk and consider it equal now. It isn’t equal your life is hell and I know it but I accept apologies and I prefer apologies in writing.

When I was younger I saw that there were these amazing candy-dispensaries for school girl’s underwear in Japan, on television. The girls would basically visit the stalls in the morning and get their underwear, wear them to school and then return them in little cute pop boxes to be sold. It is a novelty-cultural-thing that I imagine is very much to do with hentai, and I am all for it actually. I don’t think anyone is actually sexually into sniffing underwear but I do think that people enjoy being weird and having weird gifts/objects that belong to specific people.

There is a cam-girl-gamer-girl selling her bathwater to a youtuber that I’ve co-adopted as an incestuous nephew – he is over twenty one but he looks WAY younger but he acts WAY older (none of it matters, I’m offering a description of a person, not giving sex criminals ideas for how to justify something that is inherently fucked up and weird. Family that are sexual with one another would be right to be honest with and to replace one another, as an infant I failed my older brother who was on drugs when I gave him a blowjob in his bed – and once we have our revenge I am finding him about five women to replace me with, in his life. And then I will find him another five or so to replace our fucking weird sister who I hold responsible for that.)

I am not naive, I know that people have sordid sexual fantasies. I know we all feel at liberty to explore a sexual landscape and that sometimes if we do so it feels as though nothing else will work. I actually experienced that for a very weird month or two! I didn’t enjoy masturbating unless I watched someone being beaten the shit out of (they had to enjoy it too.). I’ve done weird things and most of those things were done in childhood. The last thing I did that felt weird was that I murdered a magnet to feed a spider that didn’t really want to eat the magnet because he felt GUILT. (He got over it when he realised that they have a sense of humour – but suffering of any kind is primitive. If you are going to do live-feed, if you are going to kill an animal, cover it’s eyes – drug it with weed. A LOT of weed.)

 

There are not many people that can honestly and void-of-judgement both find you genuinely attractive after confessing to doing something weird like arranging for someone to be hospitalised so that they can be drugged and put to sleep so you can rape them (HARRY. WILL. IF ANYONE ACTS LIKE THEY DON’T KNOW IT IS BECAUSE THEY’VE DONE SOMETHING THAT RIVALS YOUR CRIMINALITY. I’ve never found either physically attractive – but I am confessing FOR them – on their behalf – what they did.) (Getting your friends to do it too doesn’t save you from what you’ve done.)

The reality is that in every culture I come from, the things that those princes have done (and trust me – the reality is that their mother is probably writing this) to ME specifically – are the kinds of things that would get them shot. And then taken into warehouses with underground warehouses and underground warehouses and they’d be resuscitated where they’d be tortured etc. If you know how the world works, that is a kindness to them. I prefer to wait for their mother to return and for her to tell people the truth, and to see who she chooses.

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This is female discharge. It is clean and it is not-clean because discharge is how your womb cleans itself. Mine smells faintly of dettol on days when I use dettol – which is a medicinal grade antiseptic. You should be able to FEEL your vagina’s health, and see it in your discharge. Yes our vaginas also lubricate themselves but discharge is how your body removes stuff that isn’t wanted in there. It is a normal and healthy function.

You think it is no big deal that I know that, and you probably ALREADY KNOW THAT but there were, for example in the United States: women who were cruelly tested on, some women purchased as slaves by doctors that used them to learn about the female body. These doctors were so stupid that they believed that everything to do with female sexuality equated to pain. That women had no sexualities to speak of and that stupidity was probably a very large part of why men and women are at such different stages of sexual evolution.

When I first found discharge in my underwear it was terrifying, I was prone to hypochondria and I thought there was something wrong with me. My first period was horrible.

I have to be a bit extra-careful because I am still afraid of my insect familiars and that they like to come in and perch on my things sometimes and I’ve been taught they are unclean animals. They really aren’t, I’d think they’d say “you are messier than we are!” Especially spiders. Spiders are OCD.

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This is some green ribbon I purchased from John-Lewis. They have a good in-shoppe haberdashery, if I recall correctly from my childhood. Everyone should have a flower or ten of choice and everyone should have a ribbon or ten of choice.

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Anubis is the fanciest Anubis around isn’t he.

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If Killi the bird reads this, that little green saucer is only a TEMPORARY solution to the fact that these plants do want to feel quite special. I’ll invest in pots and your saucer will be returned to your green trunk.

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These plants make me very happy but I probably make them quite depressed sometimes. I like to think they have an ever-expansive emotional intelligence and landscape and that they appreciate a variety of feelings, the physical experience is rife with lessons and occasions and to be able to respond to something in a way that no being has ever responded to anything is probably what makes anyone rich. Doing something differently. Appreciating depression and sadness and anger and fury and pure fucking rage and I guess what it really takes to create some of the most vibrant beings that have ever existed.

If you asked me, of my maggots, which were the most emotionally intelligent, it would be the ones that peacefully existed in the ‘Tintin’s soil stash’ that were left alone but were aware of stimuli, such as music that I’d play for them. A pretence that Tintin was a teenager growing weed, by enriching the soil first. I think maggots are as good as worms are at interacting with soil, but that’s intuition and not based in scientific ‘fact’. How someone would really test that, and I’m sure it is possible – is to me – very unethical. Again, it is my intuition that tells me so. Magicck is art and science and the absence of that which is clinical. If you were to ask me which of my maggots were the most physically interesting – I’d say “the ones that had been abused, had been raised in poor circumstances (a plastic bag.) created the most ground breaking results in terms of their metamorphose into becoming a fly. And they made sure to wait, made sure that I saw their bellies – they wanted me to see what they had meditated to become” the most intelligent ones – the ones that know to HIDE – are the ones that had to experience my bird-friend Killi haphazardly and without any kind of care towards her personal safety, launching herself onto the balcony and quite violently helping herself into their home and eating some. Esther and Abraham Hicks would say that the magnets (I prefer ‘magnets’ to ‘maggots’) chose that fate for themselves.

I had to accept from the moment that I brought her upstairs that I had a choice: that if I had chosen to kill her and feed her to them, it would create a very different kind of result. I chose her because I know that she was more obviously interactive, and cute, and because I could hold her and there was less struggle to interact and less for me to overcome in terms of growth. And that is speciesism.

I have learned to hold maggots that wander too far from their home with my bare fingers and that’s terrifying for me, even though as an infant I used to gather insects – beetles from the pool side. I’d save lots of them. And snails, I remember once going out after it had rained and I gathered snails and put them all on a lamp post outside of the place I called home in my childhood.

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Lucifer likes Fererro Rochers. That is a a lot of glorious packaging to be reluctant to recycle and I am using one of them as a propagator for some chilli seeds I scooped out of a chilli that I then fed to my magnet friends, and they really like eating chilli.

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When I was in Farnham, I had a lot of avocado seeds that had grown and grown – I kept them in water that I didn’t often replenish because something told me that the exchange of fluids and the avocado skin etc was actually nourishing to the avocado seeds. Plants are not for “clean” people.

There was a lot of jealousy because of my plants, the avocado plants especially – and I was enraged when I came back from a stay at a research hospital (that I was put into because a WHOLE TOWN was jealous of me) where a person had died after I said “someone is going to die” (and they did) to find all my plants dead. Coming back to find that these plants that I had poured love and memories and body fluids and TALKED TO -were just left to die. That was the last time I experienced genuine heartbreak actually.

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