dietho

Today I wanted to film a video of Miss Kittie and I had to stop, because I felt influenced by some people I would not EVER want to invite the influence of. I return to this later in my oh-so-fascinating post.

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I had wanted to think of Isabella Rossellini who, if you want to act (I mean if you want to sacrifice yourself to perform a character, from a story that shapes how we understand the human experience – as an art form and as something that you’d hope had never been done previously – not just be a ‘celebrity‘ – and I have plenty of room to enjoy both kinds of actors) she is probably without any kind of debate: the most graceful and perfect example of a classical female thespian. There is no one who could fault you for wanting to emulate her.

She is not my favourite actor.

She’s never been a person that I run to for entertainment.

She might deserve to break into a netflix series that is “entertainment”, but for me she is on par with what I imagine of actors that only do theatre and only do Shakespeare. (Which is the biggest compliment you can offer a thespian and if they don’t seem to take it as such they are ACTING.) (- theatre is different to film. You need a LOUD voice, you need to be able to gesticulate you need to be able to connect with the audience without a camera wo/man/men and a director screaming at you every five seconds. You need to be immune to telepathic negs about your costume and your posture and performance which should be perfect at ALL times if you’re on stage.) (Ideally your idea of fun is spending hours thinking about why a person who has one line in a production – that could be absolutely crucial to the entire narrative might use those particular words)
Actually what makes her so wonderful in film, and perhaps it is women like her who are the saving grace of film – is that she is subtle. And her gestures are nuanced because they are subtle and everything she does means something.

My the way: MY LIST was (this becomes relevant in a second)

My Granma picked him for me and said also that I am him – referring to Romeo. I mean it becomes very confusing.

#scorpio

BRAD PITT circa FIGHT CLUB THOUGH (before Jennifer Aniston, before Angelina J)

(Both of the above are really important – I fancied both of the above.) (One time I was in a room with other people and both of those people were homophobes and religiously so – which means you can’t really say anything unless you are into theological debates and you’re probably not – I am but you’re probably not – and I said audibly “SHES HOT”)

#sagittarius

Keanu Reeves. A girl I was BFFs with gave me his portrait and it was huge and laminated.

Apparently he’s a virgo which means that he likes tidy women. I um. I am not compatible with virgos. I don’t like virgos. I love one virgo at a time and right now that is my spiritual teacher Lisa. Who said “Keanu contacts me in dreams.” Before I connected his being arab and my being arab and a lot of other weird stuff that would make you go weird – this is not too dissimilar to my meeting with Lisa except she put flowers on a table and told me that my aura absorbed the colours from the flowers.
And that I had some red in my aura too, which indicated I had been abused.
Also he had nothing to do with the scene, or with my meeting with Lisa. I think that witnessing both actually messed him up. Esp

Vin (real name Mark Vincent) as Riddick (he probably based the character on himself, in his defence)

yes but whats important here is that I did not want to date these men as themselves. (They are probably all sagittarius or gemini or scorpios – and they are probably all versions of me: so they are probably all insane (because trust me we have a shit time to be this cool) and all probably the kind of people that you don’t fuck over because they are versions of me that have MONEY.) (And also who do not like not knowing what is going on because that is a big thing about ‘being insane’ – actually that is probably the definition of ‘insane’. Cluelessness.) (Einstein said “insanity” is doing the same thing, expecting different results – which is very sciencey but also very universal wisdom.)

I WOULD ONLY OF DATED THEM IN CHARACTER

One time a girl called Lily and I – who I rudely invited to my “mother’s” very poorly decorated home (her dad basically is the head of RADA. You do not become “famous” as a British actor/thespian if he doesn’t like you.) (I’m sorry Belinda I once flirted with him in the kitchen but I flirted with you even more and it wasn’t invited it’s just how I spoke to adults) (and I did not do baby voice, so it wasn’t my ‘sibling’ and her friends either.) (I made him almost laugh and I think thats the issue) (I once thought about him when I used the toilet to take a shit and realistically that wouldn’t of been a sexy moment for either of us)

ANYWAY MYSELF AND LILY. we took the piss of a girl in Pirates of the Caribbean because she said “A FISH, A FISH, THERES A FISH IN THE WATA” and we were both really offended by it and found it hilarious. I don’t know if that girl has appeared in anything since and that’s probably because she heard us do it.

That girl had one line and she fucked it up, is our point. We both wanted to act. We both had done the work, we both appreciated the seriousness of that job – not the celebrity of it, but the work it takes to consider yourself an actor. To pretend to consider yourself an actor. At least lily got radio.

I have a poor memory. Once an ex-but-really a-one-night stand told me that he thought I had dementia. That was before he realised that he could get caught using me to time travel, that a lot of older women were watching him: including his mother and sister, including teachers that didn’t really understand how someone who could recite the script for shows like Blackadder and Frasier could be considered a “dementia sufferer”.

He was copying my “sister”. And my “mother”. And various relatives (My brother, I’d protect – he’s autistic as fuck. He’s just one of the lucky, pretty ones.) (Meds might have skewed how you see him but when he was younger he’d stand by a pool – according to my “dad” and apparently a lot of muslim women planned that he’d marry their daughters. A lot.

I don’t know if you could comprehend how many very wealthy parents wanted to understand what happened and what was going on. And why other people’s kids looked like them, and their kids looked nothing like them. They know everything now. BUT I DIGRESS.

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Do you know what inspired your idea of composition? Because that is what really makes a ‘goode’ photograph. It is composition. And once you’ve taken it and published it, lots of people will take in the composition and the angle and start taking much better photographs and be entirely oblivious that years ago people held a camera to their eye and took the photo.

If Isabella did a sex scene, even if it was gratuitous – it would have something in it that was thought provoking or beautiful in a way that I wouldn’t say of Sunny Leone or Stoya. Who I also love.

STOYA of Digital Playground and Godsgirls.com fame, performing an 
orgasm to InnerPartySystem. 

The son of a cop once told me he knew of them. Creepy. He'd agree.
This was back when they were a very obscure (they still are) band
that were only popular in the United States. I spent my life
talking to people at that point - from the United States. I didn't
have friends in the UK, bar two dwarves and someone that I
hate enough to consider unconditional family because I know that
in an emergency she'd come through (and if not her, one of her mothers)
and not many people can really have as much said towards them with
any kind of sincerity. Not even my own 'family' actually. Which is
why, I think, I need to replace my family unless Conchita and Numa
come out of hiding and Uncle Hashem and any real head of the family
that could successfully sort this mess out. Leon perhaps.)

They once did a show for Apple in an Apple store, I think at
Westfields shortly before I went to Uni.

I have only seen Ms Rossellini in a few things, actually the performance, ironically that compelled me towards her was this one:

 

But that only serves to prove a point: she made such a profound impact upon me as a performer that she stayed in my memory because of that scene.

This is an example of a pornography she made and there is no child I would discourage from watching it.

 

I took some erotic photographs instead, feeling that they’re the kind of people that would let children watch me getting upset because they were invading my personal space. (If you stop lying about leaving your children with me so you can cheat on your spouses, that you are only with because you saw it as some kind of ‘revenge’ to me – it’d be great.)
(My spirituality says this: I am familiar with the 12 souls on this Planet. (there are fourteen) More so than they are with themselves. So I know you much better than you know yourselves. I’m a real people person. Which means you need to rewatch the matrix before you compete: KNOW THYSELF.) (Want to play psychiatrist? KNOW THYSELF.) (for logistical reasons it is useful to have psychoanalysed yourself in the company of a psychiatrist – as you should and ESPECIALLY if you practice or administer psychotropic medications so that there is nothing about you that you don’t know. Otherwise you might section people because you are jealous of them) (Like that might be the actual reason you would do something so fucking stupid and that would put in jeopardy the entire national health care system – every job is now on the line because of that email.)

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You can’t see it here but Killi the bird did some scary illustrations of penises (there is nothing else it could be – she drew a naked body that looked like mine with a penis and testicles that had crosses through them.)

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and I pretended instead that Kanye and Kim West were directing a fun photoshoot because I know that if either saw me naked it wouldn’t be sexual. It’d be “THIS IS NOT ELEGANT FASHION ENOUGH. DO TRASHY LOOKS BUT BE ELEGANT ABOUT IT.”

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For me, I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable if a child saw this photograph. Especially if I could dialogue with them about why it was not a sexual photograph. It is not a photograph intended for someone to view and imagine sex to.

It is objectively a photograph that depicts the female anatomy – in a state of nudity.

I need to find out how to arrange a legal restraining order against Joana Antunes Dos Santos (I have photographic evidence of her stalking me. She also sexually abused me on numerous occasions.) Stephanie Williamson (a person that sexually abused me), Charlotte Mary Bramley (hence forth, yucky charlotte – and no you do NOT have the right to defend a person who also sexually abused me – she occupied my body, touched me up, used me to have sex with someone who, in my company at least, was way out of her league. Her repulsive aunties I’m sure would be ashamed of themselves, as they should be. I’d like them to be banned from lurking me too.), Kaew, Eve Flitman, Cherrene Jarade and her friends (even the ones cherrne pretends she isn’t friends with – she’s pretending to be friends with everyone she knows.), and her footballer ‘wag’ friends, and the footballers. Any man will do for them if they’re useable, if they have money or children or attractive women around them then those people will gravitate towards them. Do you use social media? Let us write your captions for you!!!!!!!! !!!! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! (If you spot an exclamation mark, a collection of poor grammar and misplaced commas in an attempt to imitate my writing style without being too obvious about it – it’s one of them. I might be the only writer they’ve ever familiarised themselves with and for that reason I need to read more.) (That is ALL I did, my entire life. Watch films, series and read.)

She and all of the above will perform romantic feelings for you, probably sexual favours (why would I lie?), you’ll get bowel problems and think you’re gassy but actually, ironically, all of these people are genuinely into SCAT.

Cherrene is into pretending to be a baby – this is something someone who knows the adult industry can explain with a great deal of proficiency.

There are some people who, like me, have spent their lives in isolation. Their real selves are probably stuck somewhere in infancy – either because of some deeply traumatic experience or because when you say “be you” – that is the real them. I would not dream of being this version of me in public but when you ask me to be the ‘real me’ it is either that version of me or a version of me that has such serious PTSD that it’s impossible to communicate with that person if you access them at all. Don’t bother. She’s probably the me I am when I’m stoned. There is also a drunken me that imitates/emulates the hottest girl I’ve ever met ever and also at the same time: the wife of an actor I met years ago when I used to be friends with girls whose parents were Old Vic/RADA people and people like Alan Rickman (alive, dw) and Johnny Depp.

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Everything in between is a social performance – and social performance is what we understand of normality.

This ‘real’ version of me really isn’t the person I project when I take sexualised photographs of me performing what I might think “erotic” could be.

The ethical aspect of this, to me, is something that probably demands some very serious, very honest, very thorough reflection. Because I care about the ethical side of EVERYTHING I do. To the point that not recycling has become a form of guilt prison.

It would be the kind of thing I did under the guidance of a serious lecturer that had proven themselves – Germaine Greer for example, I would be happy to watch the photoshoot, happy for her to read through my essay and say “this sounds really stupid, really under-considered” – and value that she’d be making me think a lot more. That is how important contributing towards the mass consciousness is – TO ME. The writing, for me, is the real work.

Which is great, I am an artist who has studied everything she knows – if I ever perform that infant self I’ve somehow managed to preserve as an identity – I will probably ensure it is accompanied by an essay detailing how I felt about it. Thats what I think artists are supposed to do, thats what I think of when someone says ‘art’ as ‘pornography’, I mean everyone is really great at lighting and colour correction now (you think that’s not because of me, lara jade, felice fawn, susie etc – suicide girls etc – you’re STUPID and UNEDUCATED. And you’re CELEBRITIES. THOSE ARE THE WORST THREE THINGS A PERSON CAN ASPIRE TO BE. STUPID AND UNEDUCATED MEANS YOU ARE STUPID AND OKAY WITH IT AND THE FACT THAT YOURE CELEBRITIES MEANS YOU THINK ITS OKAY FOR PEOPLE TO COPY THAT.) (AND THAT IS FINE, YOU DO YOU – BUT DON’T FUCKING STEAL CHILDREN. STAY IN YOUR LANE. YOU ARE NOT AT THE FOREFRONT OF EVOLUTION AND YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN. AND I PITY THOSE CHILDREN BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS CHILDREN THAT HAVE BEEN RAISED BY STUPID PEOPLE.)

A friend at Uni, when I told him I wanted to webcam – told me not to be myself and to choose a character. One time I chose to be myself – and that attracted some really disgusting people to attach to me for far longer than that twenty minute cam session.

me ‘being myself’ isn’t

something I actually think I could comfortably perform in porn. She has really bad posture and

Cherrene did not spend her life in isolation. She was adored by everyone she met – EVERYONE she met enjoyed her beauty, made a fuss of her, invested in buying her lovely gifts and most importantly – invited her to their homes and in general, she was properly socialised. She grew up with a collection of relatives that were her own age and who knew the “real her”. She became quite taken by the performance of ‘baby voice’ and pretending to be a ‘baby’ when she experienced feelings of jealousy because a boyfriend I had for four years or so and I used to communicate with one another using baby voice.

That was actually an exchange that never, ever made an appearance in the sexual side of our relationship. That was the anti-sexual us.

We might have baby voiced each other, then ‘snuggled’ and that snuggle might have lead to sex,

 

Both he and I are very damaged people but neither of us would ever have performed that, or otherwise pretended to be a baby to attract someone sexually.

Ahmed is a compulsive liar – but there were things that he would not for one moment lie about. We almost did not date because I was fifteen and he was eighteen, and that concerned him. In the United Kingdom the age of consent is sixteen. My “mother” did not like that we were dating, but there was no lie. He was introduced to my “mother” and we did not have “sleep overs” until I was about seventeen years old. Of course we had sex before that, but the fact is that she was very aware of the relationship. My “father” was very aware of the relationship. My “aunties” were aware of the relationship. Every adult I met was aware of the relationship. It was not a good example of a monogamous relationship, because he cheated on me at every chance he was given – but there was no attempt at keeping it a secret.

Women age four years to a man’s year. At University I was repelled by a guy who looked like he had walked out of my imagination because I was twenty going on twenty one and he was nineteen. I said “HES TOO YOUNG.” It was comical, because he didn’t look young. It was just the idea of his age. I was completely disgusted by it.

My sister dated a guy called Patrick who was younger than me, I think he was about eighteen years old – she was about two years short of thirty when that relationship began and I was not impressed to say the least.

Where there were underage people concerned he was absolutely not-okay with firstly breaking laws and secondly anything he thought of as weird. He was against BREAST FEEDING – as in he said “thats DISGUSTING.” This is something that came out of the mouth of (and very sincerely) – a guy that could find a photograph of a man penetrating a chicken carcass genuinely funny. There are some things that you don’t need to sexualise.

Breast feeding, to me, is one of the things that *I* sexualise. As in I would enjoy watching a woman with milk coming out of her nipples. I wouldn’t sexualise a baby, I’d be probably, technically: worse

I’d encourage them to put the baby to sleep, in another room, with the door closed, and my door closed and probably be quite happy to watch them leak milk all over the place or whatever it is that lactating women do when they’re not mothering spawn that probablyisn’ttheirs

In front of me, in front of friends – theres no one he would not say that in front of. I agree. If you are in an emergency situation wherein you can’t afford to feed your child or you literally have no alternative, your baby’s survival is a priority AFTER yours. (I mean in a survival situation – you actually have to put yourself first. Ask ANYONE who hosts lives on planes.)

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Our baby voice, we would sometimes do around friends and mostly involved performing speech impediments.

That is not what she is doing. She performs infancy and it is a SEXUALLY inclined performance. Where consenting individuals are concerned, I don’t really care. If you can say it outloud, if you can write it – you are educated enough to explore that as a sexuality if you are taken by it. If there is no harm done.


Even giving these kinds of people the attention they are so desperate for won’t change them.

Making them feel ‘loved’ won’t change them. They will use you too. They will use you to hang out with your kids (have you noticed yourself thinking of people like ‘carly parker’ and then moments later someone vulnerable started doing some really weird things?), use you to hang out with your boyfriends (because they can’t get attractive men, they cannot be TRUSTED with ATTRACTIVE, KIND, DECENT men), use you to read your messages (because they think that even if you are by far more educated than they are, even

They are the most repulsive kind of people and they are ALL racists.

I do not want them lurking me online, trust me they do.

I do not want them using the same internet functions as I do – they should arrange a ‘special’ internet for stalkers and sex criminals. That is what those people are.

Keep to your own kinda lane.

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Until you learn not to fake feelings of ‘love’ in exchange for a person’s looks, or a person’s financial wealth or whatever you can gain from them this is your lane.

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