first of all, i don’t have photoshop. all i wanted to be when i grew up was a photographer. a lot of the poses you are used to are poses that i invented. did you know that? no. you didn’t. you do now. i wrote essays about it, as a kid, because it was that big a deal to me

my natural and comfortable self has terrible posture and walks abit like tommy from the rugrats because i am lazy decepticon. When I was a baby I had to wear my shoes on the opposite feet and it turns out I have dyspraxia and my body doesn’t have the ability to really ‘learn’ direction without looking into a mirror, which I’d of learned from dance classes and copying dance teachers by looking at them

 

if you have ever danced, or done some classical ballet – if you had a decent teacher, you secretly really care about how people hold themselves and how they express themselves physically. I appear a different person in public and at home when I am my very most well-efforted self because I don’t slump around in public unless I am love drunk. I will talk about love drunk another time.

i can tell when a person has danced and when a person has been to ‘modelling school’. Or when someone is imitating me or when someone is naturally physically elegant. I don’t like the performance of it, I quite like people who stumble about everywhere too. Your physical body is the performance you give to other people to express yourself. Thats what dance is supposed to teach you. Having had pretty serious injuries, I probably wouldn’t risk wanting to be a dancer again unless it was exercise or for fun. My mother lost her entire life and career at sixteen or so because she didn’t warm-up before dancing. Years of her life and her teachers lives were put into her becoming a dancer and she had such severe injuries that she actually just sort of definitely died when that happened and I promise you, her family suffered for it. I was brought up by a dancer. I was brought up by a ‘sister’ (we don’t speak but she deserves a mention) who also influenced my upbringing. That is a lot of insecurity to grow up around because dancers ideas of compliments are ‘she is a good performer on stage but not good enough to be professional’ ‘she needs more work’ ‘she’s not ready to perform this song, this song needs so much more work’

performers and dancers exchange CRITIQUE. not compliments. if you are a dancer, you are TERRIFIED of compliments (especially from dance or art teachers.) because someone doesn’t want you to be good at whatever it is you want to succeed at.

For example, in an art class, if I did something that I knew was not good enough, or unfinished, I’d know myself. I wouldn’t need anyone elses opinion and I’d feel uncomfortable and patronised if a teacher pretended to think it was good when it wasn’t.

This is not a BDSM thing, nor is a life as a ‘dancer’ something you can lie to me about. For whatever reasons. That is:

If you hang out with me enough you can probably also tell when a person has danced. Especially if you’re athletic or dancey. You will take in all my dance-teacher negs about posture and you’ll avoid all of my injuries because you’ll imagine having them when you lie in bed at night thinking about learning to do a thing – you’ll do physiological risk assessments about things NOT to do to your body so you avoid my injuries and you’ll pretend otherwise but you can’t fool me (you probably can if you’re a good enough actor) and you won’t have to ‘compete’ with other athletes because you already know things that even some olympic athletes don’t. Because they never danced classically.

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yesterday i stalked someone (honestly if you don’t believe you’re atleast a soulmate you’re deluding yourself) thats dating a woman that calls him her ‘little worker’. i don’t really know how a man can date a woman that reduces his entire being to being ‘hers’ or ‘little’ unless he’s exclusively trying to piss a myriad of women off and amongst them myself. freak. shes a freak, leave her and do it publicly and make a video about it because that is the last straw for a woman making a career in fashion when if i dont like you – promise – you’re going nowhere in fashion (accept it) (unless you are a footballers wife or you have money to spend on pretending you understand ‘fashion’) (you really dont)

actually speaking of which, i was looking through this guys outfits and i realised that his look is transitory-fashion (models should be.) where mine is style (which i cant afford because people who want to work in the industries i influence cant get anywhere and rather than apologising they just make my life difficult. we all know you’re doing it.)

(i dont like people coming to my rescue.) (and they could) (the ones i ask to do things for me never do, thats how i became this way. i never had anyone doing me little favours.) (you’d think otherwise, but you’d be wrong to do so.)

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anyway. i lurked a sexier version of the sexy man look

and then napped and then woke up and took photos. sexy man is a mercenary i saved from death row that thought it would be more fun to fantasise over my sister than to try having a serious relationship with me even though ive been thinking of him since i was nineteen. whatever mang

his mother is also called kari. which is nice.

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also my bird decided she was ready to fly and i basically live in a nest. she was not ready to fly. she is pottering about in a garden downstairs and knows she is welcome to return whenever she is ready to return but that i won’t indulge her doing this to me twice.

when i was growing up i wanted to be a vet – and i realised that animals don’t like vets – so i let the dream go. awhile ago i meditated and decided at some point id like to work with reptiles. while the bird stayed with me i treated her like a human child and realistically that isnt how reptiles love one another nor raise their young. i promise you that birds can read, communicate and dance.

i didn’t get any videos of her, apart from this one. i genuinely didn’t want to make a spectacle of her – i am the sort of person to document everything, that is the real me. but this experience was very personal and i wasn’t ready to do that, although she is clearly a very comfortable and competent performer. if she comes back i will document her life but i don’t want to have animal friends that don’t do as i ask.

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this came out of my nose yesterday and i really wanted to share it

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