this is the best song I’ve ever heard

i

i love her

like i really really love her

sexy jiggles and and omg

fyi she is the sexiest person in the universe right now

i dedicate this song to my middle toe and every guy i’ve ever fancied that picked a blonde/a zoella over me (it’s only ever one of the two and about a year in they come out with a “she attacked me with a razor and tried to stab me” or “i woke up at about 3AM and she was standing over me in bed and sounding kind of possessed she said ‘I’m gonna kill you‘” or “no karina you were right, remember that eight months you spent completely alone in my country because you wouldn’t have sex with anyone while you were awake, with severe parkinsonism and trying to get over that PTSD from everyone you lived for fucking you over, waiting for me to get over her, i spent a night with that ex you told me didn’t love me, and we had sex straight away, even after you told me to wait for two weeks. the next morning she got dressed, said she regretted it and walked out” or a “we had definitely consensual sex – that time – and she told the police that I had made her vagina bleed and then put my hand on the blood and then licked it while she recoiled in fear, in bed. i don’t even like looking at blood and now i get a panic attack everytime someone knocks on my door

someone please buy me a tutu dress like hers/arrange for me to find one in a shop that i can afford cos you know, I’m on job seekers even if I am both legally qualified and talented enough to teach

I HAVE EXPERIENCE TOO


I also dedicate it to these siblings i hung out with in denmark
i was very nearly considering having MDMA sex with a guy I’d been in love with for about nine? ten years – to make good of an otherwise fucking awful party – and his sister walked in and lay in bed with us and told us that she’d just had sex with someone she didn’t know (I think they like to synchronise their love making) and then i got dressed and we bumped into these two guy siblings having a yaoi moment (brothers kissing, for those uneducated) and I said “That’s weird.” And she said “no thats really normal here”

So um. Upon learning I have lots of sexy siblings – sort of – can one of you come be matchy matchy with me? Can we do it guiltlessly? Obnoxiously? Not someone I actually grew up with because that is messed up. I know I went down on my brother when he was on drugs and I was about three years old but I cannot emphasise how much that fucked up our family life cos we both knew that was weird

I have conditions

1 we don’t FEEL related
2 we LOOK related – you are allowed to be slightly hotter than me but not too much
3 you are taller than me, have hairs on your head
4 you are prepared for me to make you internet famous
5 you are prepared to perform in “twin” pornography with me
6 you’re okay with being bought gifts, i love buying people gifts
7 you’re okay with magic, magical shit happens when i’m happy – magical shit also happens when i’m upset and i cannot be held responsible for it. i mean i am probably responsible for it but you won’t be able to prove it, i won’t be able to prove it – but the timing will be so precise that it will be your one piece of evidence that i am responsible for it. the timing. i mean people die when im upset. you know how in friends phoebe says that when she ‘doesnt floss’ people die? it’s sort of as ridiculous as that but also way more fucked up because people actually die. you can remote view my memories if you want – but all you’ll know is “she was upset that day”
8 you will let me pick your clothes and your shoes
9 you have no affiliations with the number 9 or people i think of as 9s, you don’t find zoella attractive, you have never masturbated thinking of zoella, you don’t find portuguese people attractive, have never spoken to or thought about speaking to or otherwise found a portuguese person attractive, have never visited portugal, you don’t find ‘short girls with big breasts’ attractive, you aren’t a ‘sophie’ guy – I don’t get on with guys that are attracted to girls called ‘sophie’, I don’t get on with girls called ‘sophie’. There might be a decent sophie out there but i doubt we’d get on. if you’d get on with her by all means date her instead. do not bring her into my life, do not try to encourage us to be ‘long distance friends’, do not tell me about her fantastic personality. i’m sure she has one but i doubt we’d make good friends and that i’d enjoy sharing men with her. if you use a sophie or a peaches to try to ‘make me jealous’ – you will take it so far you’ll end up marrying her and i won’t care, unless the wedding is uploaded online and/or hilarious because your taste suddenly changed when we stopped hanging out. then i will care a bit and watch the wedding and spend a month thinking of the perfect neg – which i will upload to the internet. everyone will know it’s about you. you will end up moving abroad with her and taking your bad decisions out on me, when in reality they had nothing to do with me. (if you want to leave me for someone else – pick someone i like. if you don’t it won’t work. it’s okay, i’m alive forever – i’m not threatened by.. anyone.. really.) (i’ll get revenge when you’re both OAPs if i have to)
10 you have a weed contact that is waiting for our daily call and who is prepared to drop what they’re doing to drop off
11 you’re unemployed (but not untalented). i need you around 24/7, i am very clingy and physically affectionate and you have to play with my hair every night ish
12 you can only PRETEND to think of cheating. Not think of cheating. If I fancy them as well it is not technically cheating but don’t do it behind my back. If you cheat you will be kicked out and any gifts i have given you will be returned to me and I will probably forget anything “nice” about you
13 i choose everything we listen to and watch, unless you’ve got a collection of songs – a playlist if you will – about me/you/people I find attractive. only complimentary songs will be accepted
14 if your name is ash stymest you owe me money, message me for my bank details or don’t
15 you must be funny – ha-ha funny, not “funny” like my ex boyfriend luke (who was not ha-ha funny)
16 you must be a good dancer, i like boys who can dance while I zone out on a settee. No I will not dance WITH you. I will film you dancing and people will fall in love with you. You will think you can find someone better at capturing you being cute, unless they are David Lynch or Isabella Rossellini – it’s highly unlikely. If I capture you being not-cute I’m mad about something. Ask me what is wrong.
17 you must be okay with the fact that everyone hates me because everyone hates me. it is worse when i have love interests. it’s okay – they’ll still want to befriend you but be aware that really they’ll be jealous of you and you should probably accept you won’t have any real friends while we’re hanging out/dating/whatever you want to call it
18 if you add 9 and 9 you get 18 and if you add 1 and 8 you get a 9 – so the #9 rule applies. please refer to rule #9
19 you think slavery is bad, you think cheap people are bad, you think rape is bad, you think stealing is bad (unless you are stealing FOOD – or drink – IN FRONT OF ME.)
20 you have no related children or younger siblings who are more talented/better educated than you are
21 you accept in advance that i don’t want to meet your “parents” or your other “siblings” or your “cousins” – you can spend Christmas or Hannukah with them if you want to but I do not want to and I don’t care if they spend it bitching about me. I will know if they spent it bitching about me. I’ll probably accidentally repeat the comments that were made about me. Don’t be weirded out, I wasn’t there. It happens. It’s not like we’re getting married and if we are it’s on Habbo. And it’ll be televised in Israel probably.
22 you have never visited Kent consensually, physically or non physically – and if you have you were really reluctant to do so and you hated it
23 you must have a functional penis. the size is unimportant but you’re being filmed and I’m in no mood for penis related insecurities. I take about 5 minutes to orgasm and I prefer foreplay. Not much is expected of you sexually – I know men pretend otherwise but I actually do all the work – and if you ask for fellatio I will assume you’re being possessed by a dwarf.
24 i prefer circumsised penises but if you’re not circumsised i won’t make you uncomfortable about it but consider it
25 you’re not vincent gallo
26 you don’t neg people unless it’s a legitimately funny neg and you’re prepared for me to bombard you with telepathic negs for the next 20 months
27 see rule #9, #18, it applies
28 if lots of women say you are “good in bed” you are probably not good in bed, which means you do what i say
29 see #9, #18 and #27
30 it is preferred if your hands & feet are bigger than mine
31 you are not into scat but can pretend to be for billions (toilet fetishists, no – good actors – yes)
32 you can pull off boots. i like boots
33 you will not make me run after you in the streets in heels. I’m not going to do that and I will embarrass you for walking in front of me unless I am in one of my coy moods where I hide behind you to piss off someone I’m using to make you jealous
34 you are more intelligent than luke, which isn’t difficult
35 you are a good artist so you can be useful when i need to film my kids spirituality show
36 see #9, #18, #27
37 you have good taste so we can have genuine arguments about how we’re going to dress that day (please feel free to take note of my colour palettes, I can whatsapp/insta them over but colours are blacks, browns, tans, pinks, greys, greens, reds, cream, purple – I’m trying to bring denim back after rihnonna wore double denim in the UK – in public – but it’ll take a really long time for us to get over that as a Universe)
38 you don’t pretend not to be bisexual
39 see #9, #18, #27 & #36
40 you are more rude and also more sweet than me
41 you can have an “improvised” conversation, when i am in public sometimes freemasons approach me for chats and if you embarrass me it’s over
42 if you are ridiculously good looking but can’t do improvised conversation, you agree to limit conversation to “hello”, “good morning”, “good afternoon”, “good evening”, “thankyou” and “good bye” in public ( we will discuss the times by which it’s okay for you to use those. I listen to my earphones when I’m in public mostly so this won’t be difficult
43 you are okay with being immortal, in the event that I think you are too pretty to let die
44 you are okay with being occupied by (really sexy) aliens and angels (this is not optional sorry) and occasionally my future sons who like to hang out sometimes (they look like Trunks from DBZ, Jaeger from AOT, Levi from AOT –

also this is 13. His eyes are wrong here – they’re snake slits.
Screen Shot 2019-04-12 at 01.55.36.png

He won’t occupy you though. Just me.)

He did this to my eye
Screen Shot 2019-04-12 at 01.58.17.png

His brother Trunx can control the water levels in your body and can prevent you from having successful erections. So no rape either. Sorry. Unless I’m awake and you’re prepared to be destroyed. This is not a sexual invitation – I will probably kill you by accident. He hangs out with Dua Lipa. So stay away from Dua Lipa. Sometimes I listen to Dua Lipa.

45 see #9, #18, #27, #36, #39
46 you do not engage with “the game”, “the game” is for beta fe/males – not royalty, not people that hang out with royalty etc
47 you will not step in in fights between me and other men, don’t ever, ever, ever – you’ll look stupid
48 if you make me look stupid – I might not make a thing of it – but I will make a thing of it later, unless you’re hilarious and attractive (if you aren’t both of these things – and not subjectively – OBJECTIVELY – it’s a no)

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