I’m listening, as I type, to Dr Jane Goodall doing a children’s seminar live. I pictured a continuum of animal forms and mortality and anthropomorphic beasts morphing into human forms and imitating us and walking amongst the children, also my rat friends (I called them “rattie boy babies”) as they held one another’s tails perched on her lecturn. I felt Dr Jane wince somehow as I descended my bunkbed ladder to eat an entire pork steak wrapped in a piece of cheap bread – because protein is truly the only diet that works for me. (Trust me – I’ve tried them ALL.) I posted on my facebook, that is I shared a talk of her that was cut short – of her in a seminar for #rootsandshoots
There is some spirit that has followed me for many years, he stutters, and he would cry about consuming meat. But I have to.
I pictured as I listened to her speak, myself consuming an animal and it’s spirit seeing through my eyes and how that perhaps reflects on non-physical evolution, the trade that is finding a new body. In the bible there is a suggestion that when people have sex they share bodies forever. I loathe to think that rape constitutes as that sex but I can’t fathom why men would have committed that crime again and again and again over however many generations that humanity has occupied Earth.
This is a controversial discussion and Nawal is so subtle but she is also so strong. Her accounts are academic but she speaks very personally.
“we are not against men, we are against patriarchy” – so perfect a sentence verbalised by a woman raised by a revolutionary woman, who was illiterate. I pictured Nawal El Saadawi and her mother learning to read together in her childhood. If you are not from the Islamic side of the Middle East – if you’ve never really been exposed to the cultural differences between the British and the Arabs – as I necessarily would’ve been (I’m half Arab and growing up that grossed people out – and then later when I said “I’m half Jewish” I was met with a whole new kind of racism. My spiritual teacher Lisa told me that my karma ended at a point when I actually died – and yet the story continues because even if MY karma is over – other people with whom I share a Planet still have their own to live.) (To some extent it is probably potentially quite cruel of me to engage with people at all, ignoring that I have no karma. My “past life” was shit, I was abused a lot. I paid for my afterlife. This is a paragraph for another time, but it is the truth.)
As a feminist – women’s welfare has always been of the utmost importance to me. And yet knowing that I was born with both female and male genitals (awkward to type) – I consider my male self often. My male self is a sexist prick. The only kind of women that my male self could fall in love with are relentlessly kind, relentlessly and effortlessly intelligent in some way that is unfamiliar to me, absolutely self obsessed and expectant all the same of being treated like they’re divinity. He would motherzone the obnoxiously intelligent ones and fall in love with them later. But probably never ever sexualise them because he’s not a very sexual person at all and thinks that people should only have sex if they’re trying to have children. Germaine Greer would roll her eyes and tell him to shut up and throw a soft-core porn magazine with academic articles in his face and tell him he’s backwards and he’d go to his room and spend years thinking about a rebuttal because he’d be like “nono, I KNOW, I DONT DISAGREE” and she’d be like “from a freudian perspective, men like you were literally bred to be abused” and my male self would be like “I FUCKING KNOW OKAY. I KNOW” (she’d roll her eyes again) (I’d say “you know when you roll your eyes you might be channelling spirits”) (she’d roll her eyes again and think-reply “i know, i got over it years ago.”) (My male self would persistently refuse to think that she thought-responded because if she was truly telepathic she’d discuss it outloud, because why wouldn’t a person do that?)
I know I’m an unexplored gender. It’s probably way too late to ever explore that origin of myself. I can be both without the need for explanation. If I had been born a man I’d of had a sex change. I can be one on the inside and one on the outside and I’m happy at the potential that creates towards my personal evolution.
Like I would be uncomfortable to say “I’m male’ but I’m equally uncomfortable saying “I’m female” and I think the men I’ve been with like to pretend that they’re straight even though there is no way I’d of been attracted to them if they really were.
I’ve never been able to date women because I think.. I afford women one chance not to piss me off. I’ll be bestfriends – my past self would be bestfriends – but I wouldn’t date one. I mean, I generally motherzone all of the women I find attractive because it’s only women who are much older than me that I’m attracted to. And when I look at nice photographs of myself – sometimes I look older – sometimes I look younger – but I don’t think I look like I’m about to turn thirty. And the women I’m attracted to, for example Germaine Greer – who said “I’m EIGHTY” in a video of hers I watched today and I thought “not at all”. I get angry sometimes when I think of a speech of hers where she joked that she didn’t use her body to have sex with because she only looks her age when she starts telling people about it. Wendy Williams – her age changes every time she speaks – literally every sentence that comes out of her mouth is some her at another age.
My bitchiest self wants Germaine Greer and William Buckley Junior to invest in some anti-aging plastic surgery and do a round two of that Oxbridge debate and to accept that time travel is real and that the body is just cells. Thats all
Like – GO 200 YEARS YOUNGER. LOOK SEVENTEEN. AGEING GRACEFULLY IS NONSENSICAL. I genuinely believe that if you want human beings to live for longer, they have to see the possibility in the mirror. They have to like their lives. Some version of Levi keeps telling me I look old.
(My windex is dettol)
Also if you want this Jacket you better bang on my door and BEG. You have a time limit. If you don’t you’ll regret it.
The last time I saw my teacher Lisa she looked, to me, like a very busy thirty two year old and also the youngest she’s ever looked. And she’d probably be quite offended at my saying she looked thirty two.
The last photograph I saw of her, she looked like a twenty two year old surrounded by young boys that could not look me in the eye and tell me they weren’t a bit in love with her. (“A bit” is a turn of phrase that I offer to make it less awkward. If I am utterly in love with Lisa, you are utterly in love with Lisa. That is the issue I have with fancying anyone – everyone else fancies them too.)
My memory is terrible and yet her expression in that photo is an emoji entirely registered in my head. Can’t remember any of the guys in the photo. Just her being all edgy and beautiful.
Don’t I look like a total tranny in this picture? I DO A BIT and I love it. I found this dress in a charity shoppe.
I would’ve been a good looking guy but I was born in a time when society wouldn’t of known how to treat me and I wouldn’t of had the collection of sexy-while-they-were-in-my-thoughts boyfriends I had to call exes (some of them were not-so-sexy and I try really hard to forget about them so please don’t remind me.)
and also I am upset that you can’t see my heels properly. I had some really good angles with these heels. Wait lemme find a video for that brb