I’ve meditated dreamscapes where I could see a Lucifer and many other angels and as a child I would be upset with God – more Jesus Christ – for teaching people to love one another as they love themselves and for mistreating Lucifer.

It is funny to me, in hindsight, how much I empathised with Lucifer. And how much the fact disturbed my mother and her fucking weird “born again and spirit filled” friends. God and Lucifer were in love.

This might sound not-especially-groundbreaking and obvious to you, but I was raised by a fundamentalist Christian who taught me about a Hell that was occupied by Lucifer, where evil people were punished. A woman who literally taught me not to get overly concerned from the ages of seven plus about the idea that she might be raptured – and that I wouldn’t be. A woman who was pretty devout and once responded when I asked her if she loved me more than anything in the World – that she loved God more. I’d like to think God winces at the idea of her loving anyone or being any kind of representation of what love is. If you told me that my ‘mother’ had, in one of her many surgeries, had died and been transferred into another body – I’d believe you.
If I asked my mother to do ballet, I know she couldn’t – and not because she is over weight – because if you have done ballet (I mean really done ballet) – you never lose the technique. It’s in every weird gesture. You can’t help but physically perform ballet – without trying. As in when you turn your head you spot, by accident. You have to do it to avoid getting dizzy when you do spins.

(Levi in Attack on Titan spins his head like this when he jumps, to keep his eye on the target. I’ll come back to this. I once went to Paraguay as a child and I was trying to jump in circles on a public trampoline, and I was doing this as if it was second nature.)

Recently my mother started telling me off about purchasing pointe shoes because I didn’t have the ‘technique’ for them – as in she had a genuine rage. (I do need to learn to turn out from my hips and that might be amongst the reasons I have a poor turn out in this photo)

I was actually reluctant to upload it because my inner ballet teacher was like “that is the worst turn out I have ever seen, in my life”

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My empathy made me abundantly aware that her rage was rooted in feelings of envy and fear. She illustrated a ballet position to me as she had her temper tantrum – her back was hunched over and her turn out was unimpressive. You’d think that to be nothing, but it’s not nothing. She went to a ballet school where students were CANED if they sucked.

Today I was listening to a song and I had this daydream moment of the angels flirtaciously trying to invite Lucifer back to Heaven.

For a year I had this consistent and repeating vision of a future life of mine when I daydreamed – a person who already lives – carrying a fragment of myself – as Lucifer.
And occupying their body I used them to visit Heaven to get pissed off about something that had happened to me about losing a three day fetus that was way, WAY too big to be human.

As in someone ejaculated into me and three days later I had the most terrifying physical experience – not quite a miscarriage but more of an abortion as if doctors were doing it – that culminated in a complete psychological breakdown. Because really if an actual baby was removed from your body, painlessly, and you saw it spinning in mucus between your fingers and watched it go from a chubby pink form to a brown form as you lay it ontop of a stone to watch it die – you’d probably have responded in the same way.

So today when I saw the angels visually – at the back of my head, not in any hallucinatory way – invite Lucifer back to Heaven, Lucifer’s response was a back of my head visual of him gesturing a HELL-THE-FUCK-NO.

During that breakdown I had, I was sitting quite strangely beside a friend… someone I don’t consider a friend at all anymore, and I picked up a jacket and said “I’M KARINA’S SON LEVI” in a child like voice. (This “friend” accused me of USING him when I asked him if he could give me some anime to watch when I was put in a hospital where I was being abused in every way imaginable.)

Levi, crouching on a wooden floor said aloud “I’M THE ONE IN ATTACK ON TITAN” – time isn’t linear. (I had seen pictures of this character, but never watched the show.)
Your children’s spirits follow you around for years before being born. If they can’t get through they sometimes pick bodies to come and find you with instead. If you’ve ever had an abortion of some kind and were later met with someone who looked more like you than you cared to admit – you’d know what I mean.

I had not seen Attack on Titan at this point in time. Here is the essence of Attack on Titan.

People trapped within walls, to protect them from man-eating GIANTS.

Some time later I telephoned my brother and told him “Sooo uh… I had this vision that I had a son called Levi… who … genetically engineered titans?” and he replied “I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT OKAY? BYE!”and actually hung up on me. When I was younger my mother used to get quite abusive about the cartoons I liked because they “encouraged genetic modification.”

Later yet I meditated on it, and he … told me that he had engineered titans in “our lab” and that I had made eye contact with one, and that I had fallen in love with it. Which is very me.

Years before these meditations a spiritual teacher – called Li-SA – said to me “there are beings who can get pregnant only by falling in love” – as in – without having sex. I am the kind of person who can fall in love with fucking ANYTHING. Like “aw look at this, I love it” – inanimate objects included – and for all my naked self portraits – I am not a very sexual person at all. As in I’ve technically been celibate for years. (The School of Economic Science discourages their practitioners from sex AND masturbation, even if you’re married – unless you’re trying to have children.) (I masturbated like a day ago – and I do agree thats pretty gross to share on a blog, but I’m trying to help any future reader to realise that I’m capable of relentless honesty.)

But when I say I’m not sexual it’s really only because the only glimpses I’ve had of people having “good sex” was tacky pornography between actors that didn’t love one another – which was sometimes kind of thematically repulsive, and always a performance.

People cannot orgasm by having sex the way they do in those movies. You have to stay pretty still to be able to have an orgasm (you move a little if the person you’re having sex with is bad in bed, but guys rarely notice the fact) and men like to make women think that bouncing up and down on their penises is ‘good sex’. As in I have been told by men who had never ever made a woman orgasm before meeting me that I was “bad in bed”. (If I get bored in bed I can be pretty cruel in my thoughts and I imagine thats why they were so fucking rude.)

Minutes ago I was irritated because I want to think more about my guides – Lucifer and Gabriel keep popping up in my mind – but I want to be sure it’s them, and not someone pretending to be them. In an attempt to stop me being concerned about this I went on a thought journey and I didn’t go on it alone because I asked questions I’m usually un-inclined to ask.

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Magnesium is amongst the only chemical/material compounds I know the name of. I also know of ‘zinc’.

I learned that it’s possible for people to ‘steal’ babies…? And that was why Levi engineered titans. When you fall in love – and I do not mean “when you want to have sexual intercourse with-” with something it alters your DNA.

People don’t conceive without stealing because they don’t love their partners – or because they only love their partners. It takes three people at least to conceive. I overheard my mother talking to my sister about a friend taking a “paternity test” for a child – awhile ago I told her something about GCSE genetics and she told me I was wrong. (I was not wrong. She’d rather kill herself than admit it.)

When three people are genuinely in love, it releases chemicals in the brain that make people fertile.

I’ve always said I fall in love with people like it’s nothing. I once fell in love with someone in a chatroom, that I had never seen before. They said “I’m famous and good looking” and I knew they were telling the truth about it. Without seeing what they looked like.

I don’t know that many people’s parents have ever given them an honest chat about reproduction – but reproduction rarely has anything to do with physical attraction. If you have anorexia you will give it to your kids. If you have insecurities about the way you look, you will give it to your kids. If you spend all your time obsessing about your weight, you will pass that on to your kids.

I have had painful periods that were more painful than miscarriages throughout my entire life. I have had miscarriages too. I have had painless periods as well. During miscarriages, you have hot flushes and you also have contractions. The texture of the blood losses are quite different.

When Levi told me what he did, and why, I laughed. He was obviously very disturbed by it but I wasn’t. Here’s what I did do though:

I stole an idea off Levi to stop people stealing babies. This is a two headed baby from my very favourite Silent Hill.

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If you STEAL a baby from me, as in if someone tries to take something from me that I have not expressly desired for you – specifically you- to have – it’s going to look like this. This is a genuine warning.
All I know about these babies is that they only really want famous people as parents because I mean. A baby like this is nothing short of miraculous and they desire to be seen. I had a vision of one with three heads.

In a meditation Levi said to me “you’re worse than me”

Levi is the only person that has ever known me, I believe

 

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