I’m having lots of fun in the kitchen. I invented a dessert.
As a teenager my education helped me to appreciate that women who had in times past been confined to domestic spaces as something of a form of gender prison would never affect my adultself. The notion that women have to be care givers, the social assertion that women ought to be kind and maternal, that women have to be clean, that women have to live in perfectly organised and tidy spaces – were an archaic and irrelevant bygone. I suppose if I had any naivety at the time – it was in thinking that women didn’t pretend to be these things – that women might pretend to be anything that they were not, because I had grown up to only value individuality. I could not have imagined that women might perform these qualities. (Fake it until you make it, I guess)
I was grateful that I was born in a time wherein I could have been educated to aspire to not have to conform to these social expectations – noticing that they certainly weren’t impressed onto men. That I could appreciate a beauty in being an untidy person, being brash, being ‘slutty’ (I was never slutty but I liked wearing short skirts and having messy make up – I liked the performance of “slutty”) was my own personal feminist revolution. That being ‘perfect’ had nothing to do with one’s domestic state or one’s ability to cook – that the only worthy aspirations were education, the Arts, being both charitable and sincere about it (giving because there are people without, and because generosity brought me personal joy – not to seem like a ‘good person’).
When I was hospitalised I realised that my feminist perspective was too ahead of my own time. I realised that I had been overeducated in a time where that kind of liberation was very threatening. I realised that my premature gratitude towards domestic “liberty” was celebrated far too soon. I learned in University that less than a sixty years ago, it was legal to rape your wife. I learned that for the most part: both familial ties and friendship were a performance.
I had been taught in my early teens that the fact that my self esteem might’ve been sourced from something other than cheap faux-values such as “modesty” (God made us naked and we are born naked, friend) would most certainly affect men’s opinion of me, (though I had not been taught the true reason as to why – that took a lot of trial and error and guessing work later) but never could I have thought that other women might be equally as threatened by my personal liberty – so much as to threaten it.
Perhaps that sense of female liberation gave the Universal-you a sense of superiority over me – perhaps – but having since then identified that the root cause of your fake concern is actually a sense of competition – and also that – everything – you know is sourced from someone else’s creativity and imagination, perhaps socially and societally we are on more even a playground. I can enter a personal place, in time, potentially, where I pity that your spiritual education is so lacking. That no one ever taught you to offer a true compliment, that no one ever taught you to be good to others even if there was nothing ‘in it’ for you. That no one had ever taught you sincerity or kindness or the nature of selfless-love (before unconditional love – an understanding of selflessness must be – before you begin to pretend that you can love unconditionally.). I had assumed too much, in being made to feel stupid my entire life, of the intelligence of the people that might throw that word around.
I’m about to get petty.
I’ve spent less than a year of my life cooking: but if this – domesticity – is some epicentre through which you expend any efforts to elevate yourself above other women: that is: you slyly choose to make other women feel inferior, because you truly thought being tidy and a proficient cook (cook – not CHEF) was some kind of TALENT…
I will compete with you as sportsmen compete with one another. To prove you wrong. And I will continue to do as the Japanese do – that is, I will have honour about it. I advise you to learn to do the same. Ideally the outcome of this – and I am speaking to nasty girls that I might have desired friendship with before I learned their shadow natures – will be that you go to college, then go to University. That you pursue an education without consideration for ’employment’ but for personal growth.
TL;DR – In the event that I win and you lose – you’ll get an education and learn to love yourself – then you might learn how to love others.
Let’s call this (and I cannot stress this enough) “practice“.
MERINGUE SANDWICH | ATTEMPT 1
INGREDIENTS [inspired by Gordon Ramsay's recipe on BBC and wikihow] - 3x egg whites - whisked fast, until the mixture doubles in size - a cup of caster sugar (mixed in a spoon at a time) continue whisking until you get a smooth texture - add a teaspoon of lemon (I like a lot of lemon - and the acid reacts with the egg whites to create a glue which holds the desert together) - place the mixture in the fridge to thicken it - use a piping bag and parchment paper to shape because apparently they stick to everything else. do not pipe with a leaf nozzle. - Place in the freezer for 24 hours, they will become soft and not at all meringue-y
- I added a spoonful of orange blossom water and - a spoonful of matcha - and bicarbonate of soda which gave the meringues a tan colour - I dusted them with hot chocolate powder
Cook on a very low heat until they go hard. I took them straight out of the oven and lifted them off the paper - but patient people would prefer to wait until they had cooled. I did not - I put them in the freezer while they were still warm.
I don't even know what I used to marinade the steak at this point. I cooked the steak while it was mostly frozen - they do that in Mexico. It was moist and took not-long. I ate most of this steak half way through preparing it. (I mean I ate all of it eventually but I ate most of it half way through the preparation. I eat a lot.) Steak, Salami, Edam, Mozzarella, Tomato, Persian Lime Powder, Lemon, Chopped Ham, Coriander, Olive Oil, Chilli and Garlic Spice, Olives, Egg, Korean Rice Paper
Here is my shadow self: no one has ever been good enough to compete with me
1. Don’t copy, don’t steal, don’t cheat – and don’t compete with people that you know do those things if you aren’t prepared to do so yourself. I’m not prepared to do any of those things. I don’t like cheap wins.
2. Don’t run to people for protection, stick up for yourself. If you run to someone for protection I will do the same later. And I have better judgement than you do.
3. Learn to apologise when you know one is due.
4. Know thyself so you do not lose yourself trying to chase a story you aren’t relevant to. (It helps to have a genuine friend, or two, that know the real you and also know themselves.)
Oh! I used my trackpad to do an illustration of Lord Rama. >> It’s on my tumblr. <<