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tinyangelinaskirt

The thumbnail art of me, was commissioned from an artist on fiver 
called @dreamybon

I updated my spirituality for kids channel on YouTube with a cute teaser and accompanied it with a little song I channelled Levi to compose digitally. >> Please see my little video here. <<

When I was at University, I saw a job post for a children’s television show. I applied for it but I was concerned that my background in being a very well known blogger who journaled about her very meaningful intimate adventures and the experience of being female might’ve affected it. I find most children’s television boring and unimaginative – the kind with women and men donning ‘bright’ tshirts or embroidered jumpers embellished with sad logos and trainers.

When I was little, I got upset because I noticed my maternal Grandmother had painted lots of beautiful porcelain pieces for my sibling, and not for me. I visited her in Paraguay and at three am, when I was suffering with terrible jetlag… I saw this being aired on television: in ENGLISH.

A word of advice… If you managed to access a tarot reading that was intended for me – there are few blondes worth ‘sticking up’ for – Lady Diana is one of them.

If your blonde isn’t Lady Diana, I mean a true humanitarian that ignored her status to walk amongst people who could have caused her serious harm – to show them true unconditional love – a humanitarian who walked amongst people with diseases and gave them her time, the kind of person who would use her celebrity to draw attention to the nature of bullying, the misfortunes of people suffering with illnesses like aids and who took the first social baby steps required to encourage British people who were suffering with mental illnesses like anorexia and more young women than you might think who practice self harm and self mutilation as a form of emotional release to discuss them and to seek help – then PLEASE don’t bother falling for the manipulation of other blondes. I’m doing YOU a favour here. People forget that we grow from disputes – if you consistently ‘step in’ to protect someone from a dispute that you know nothing about, you’re actually interfering in something that might’ve otherwise had a positive result. Firstly: you cannot befriend someone you cannot argue with. If you seek to protect every blonde, you’re actually doing them a disservice because they will never learn to ‘protect’ themselves. They might also never learn to accept when they are in the wrong.

Sticking up for a blonde, when your intention is to become “popular” – is more often than not – a trap. Popularity is more often than not, a word to describe being surrounded by false people who want something from you. When I was popular – whenever I have been ‘popular’, it has been because people wanted things I had. I had many genuine male friends – male friends that saw my used sanitary towels, male friends that saw my mess, male friends that I shared very serious family secrets with, male friends that knew I had problems and my deepest vulnerabilities. Male friends that saw my armpit hair other bodily hair – and even smelled me when I was on a period and hadn’t had a chance nor could be bothered to shower because my periods make me tired. Male friends that unblocked toilets for me and pretended not to know it wasn’t me. Male friends that I treated, as closely as I could, as though they were more than friends. Male friends that I would give advice to, when they were interested in women that I felt they’d actually suit being in relationships with – because I wasn’t threatened (still am not, sorry) by other women and didn’t want to stop my male friends finding romantic happiness or love or even a one night stand if that was their thing.

Men have been the only people in my life I could ever have wanted to be friends with, and that is because I’ve identified as male. Most often I couldn’t of been in a relationship with the men I was friends with, even if we had moments of attraction towards one another. And often those men would, without my knowing (sometimes with my knowing) use me to make those women jealous. And both would do me a tremendous disservice as a result because I’d be left friendless.

Being friendless isn’t an issue, is nothing I can’t cope with – but I did get raped and sexually molested by the police, even in front of a ‘boyfriend’ – because there was no one around who cared about me enough to listen when I said “Something weird is going on.”

When I had a boyfriend who had friends I didn’t want to be friends with – I let that boyfriend go. Do NOT steal a boyfriend from his friends – because that is toxic – and because later, when you want to break up (and you will – because a person necessarily is the product of the people s/he hangs around with – so when you start ending their friendships, the relationship will suffer.) you’ll both be left with absolutely no one.

Me+You against the world is NOT romantic. It doesn’t work. I haven’t been in a relationship for years, but to say you’ve been in two long term relationships (that is – a relationship that lasted for 3 to 4 years being my first, and my second being a relationship that lasted for 5 years) by the age of twenty nine means that I probably know more about relationships than you do. My sibling is prettier than me, more feminine than me – has had 9-5 jobs working for people that did very important jobs – she can drive and is to an extent, ‘responsible’. She has never been in a proper relationship. She has lots of friends, lots of acquaintances ready to pounce at the chance to be in her life – but when it comes to being in a relationship, I’ve been in relationships with men she would never have had a chance with. I’ve turned down relationships with men she’d of never had a chance with.

Once I was talking to a guy that I’d found on a friend of her’s twitter, he was a music producer and an actual-someone. All of her ‘friends’ were actual-someones. Her friend asked her, to ask me, to stop talking to him – because he was hers first. The moment I was asked, I deleted his details and stopped speaking to him. That kind of decency is hard to come by, you meet a person like me once every ten or so years. We’re pretty easy to take advantage of but also we know that if we are true to what we percieve as values – that when we need it, the goodness is returned to us in equal measure. If you keep stealing other people’s dreams, wishes and aspirations – or even friends or love interests – worse will be done to you by some version of me that doesn’t share my decency. I can take a hard time because that is all I’ve ever known – most people can’t. Don’t give yourself a hard time by fucking good people over. Especially not to make yourself ‘popular’.

It takes a lot of effort and energy to make true friends and to maintain those friendships it takes years of loyalty, disputes and ideally growth. Not everyone needs true friends, but that is a very rare person indeed. We’re taught that all people aspire to is to be loved, not me. If a person like me: takes time out of their (difficult at times, frankly) life to offer you advice – you ought to listen to it. People are not born choosing to “be alone”, they’ve become that way, and they’ve learned the toughest lessons life has to offer through the decision.

But words seldom teach, especially to a generation that has never bothered to pick up a book.

This is somewhat a passive aggression towards a few of the women that stalked me to University – one stalked me to more than one university – copied how I liked to dress, copied my aspirations – didn’t stop thinking about me at all. It’s very tiring to be even remotely associated with people like that.

And it’s insulting when people think that you’re somehow more talented than I am – I inspired your talents.


cakes.png

How wonderful are these little cakes? The one featured in my video is my Golden Petal pudding and it has an orange filling, without the bits. The recipe can be found >> here. <<

This is the video I didn’t use.

Postsecret was decent this week.

rebound

 

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