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I’m applying for youth work with kids in gangs. I’m putting together a power point presentation in my mind.

I mean. If you’re going to wear weird jogging bottoms in public, wear these.

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If you are a drug dealer and you walk around in these, if you get picked up by the police – you aren’t being profiled or socially/ethnically cleansed.

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Your local borough just doesn’t like people walking around looking like that and they’ll take ANY excuse to make you stop.

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>> read this <<

Badly dressed youth bring down the costs of local housing. You’re fucking up your local economy by dressing like this. Maybe you can get away with it if you’re Portuguese – MAYBE – but why bother?

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Wear these instead.

IRONED SHIRTS THAT FIT YOU PROPERLY.

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TROUSERS. NOT CHINOS.

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This song was for me when I went to University. I was going to adopt the dealer name “dave’s girlfriend” and tell people I was a dealer’s girlfriend, not the dealer. I’d advise you to be ‘Dave’s boyfriend’.

But once you’ve been molested by the police (legal rapists) you can no longer make a career in crime, unless you locate a drug baron in south America that everyone thinks is dead. You have to pick people with a story that works for you. My story ONLY works for people who want to know how to get revenge on fucking EVERYONE. EVER.

I like to think I’m an expert on these matters and that is because I am. I once sold a slightly less than 8 bag for £120. So.

Now. SHOES.

Get the shoes with NO FANCY PATTERNS ON THE SOLE.

This is a nicht nicht.

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As in since Jesus’ time, these have been a nicht nicht.

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When you’re running from the police, you head for the PARK. THEY CAN’T DRIVE IN THERE. And if they abuse you when the mud is wet enough, their footprints and the struggle will be evident where it occurred – use your one-contact to call a friend to direct them to document the place if you’ve been seriously abused.

This is an acht yah.

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If you are wearing these and get caught selling drugs, INSIST it’s personal, your first time, that you bought them in bulk with birthday money off a street corner and that you just wanted to make friends. Cry about it and beg to call your mother. And beg them to not tell your mother. If your mother is trashy and gave up looking good when she had you at sixteen, and it ruins the look you’re going for – tell them she’s a bit disabled. She probably is if she raised a son who couldn’t make money legally.

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These are pushing it a bit but if you can pull these off, do

If you think you’re going to get into a fight and you have a pretty face, RUB THIS ON YOURSELF WITH YOUR NON PUNCHING HAND. IF YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PUNCH, DO NOT BE A DRUG DEALER. YOUR CUSTOMERS WILL KNOW AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU.

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If you get seriously stabbed because you fucked someone over, and you need to close the wound fast

God I just watched it. Nevermind. Okay – so you ideally (go to the hospital, but if you physically can’t -) disinfect the wound with alcohol – or salt water – or lemon juice – get a lighter and a knife – burn the knife with the lighter – first to disinfect it and then heat it again, and immediately press the hot knife to the wound. It will hurt – and it takes three seconds for skin to actually burn. It will seal the wound. My ex got stabbed in the back once, literally, and was shitting blood for a bit – but mostly was fine. If you get stabbed in the lungs you need to call the emergency services even if you don’t want to. If you can’t talk, say you blacked out and don’t remember anything.

Have THREE phones. One fancy one for your psycho girlfriend to look through – this is the one you carry around/take out of your bag in public, one with fake contacts and too few deals for the police to take you seriously and a SECRET THIRD ONE that you DO NOT TAKE OUT OF THE HOUSE. THAT YOU KEEP HIDDEN. YOU USE THAT TO CONTACT YOUR SUPPLIER IF YOU’RE NOOB ENOUGH TO NEED ONE THAT CAN’T COMMUNICATE WITH YOU TELEPATHICALLY.

HAIRSTYLES FOR DRUG DEALERS

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Just kidding – don’t be white, tan, brown or yellow and have this hair and sell drugs. It’s a choice.

Relearning how to speak because mummy and daddy are trash

Ach Yah

If you get hit by the police, scream like this repeatedly – repeat the crime audibly – it is worse than yours if you’re under 21

If you are caught with a knife – and by the way knives are really the kind of thing you keep under your pillow, so you can tell whoever catches you with one that the toothfairies put it there. But if you are that good at acting you should be at drama school. It’s been about 15 years since the U.K produced a decent thespian and that was the ONLY THING we EVER had going for us.

BTW don’t carry around knives. Carry around a metal tipped fountain pen. Filled with RED ink. If you hurt someone from behind (like, make them think you have a knife but really you pinched them really, really hard) and get this ink all over them, their friends will think they’ve been stabbed and you can run. This will work once and you will have to move out of the borough, and spread a rumour around that you got picked up by the police. So when people say “you went invisible” say “I was in prison.” If they bring up the red stuff, say “that was my blood.”

If you actually have blood on your pen, you can say “it’s ink?” And look at them as if it’s really bizarre that they’ve never heard of RED INK before. Red also sends subconscious fear signals through mens brains so if you have a police man staring at the colour red, you can say something to make them feel stupid (be subtle) and that will trigger all sorts of weird childhood fears that made them want to be a policeman in the first place.

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think: WHY DOESN’T THE RICH WHITE BOY GET STOPPED ON THE STREETS AND SEARCHED FOR DRUGS?

  1. Because it’ll make him look hard. That is the last thing the police want. A posh white boy people are actually scared of. (Don’t worry, these don’t exist – even the rapist ones have to roofie girls first because they’re into dwarves with tiny hands that make their penises look big, and girls that can “protect” them. And girls with mammary glands bigger than both of their brains combined, because they never got over the perceived rejection of mummy not wanting to breast feed them anymore because daddy got threatened and jelly.) (the psychological problems of the riche > the problems of the poor, I promise)
  2. Because he’s not doing it for the money, he’s doing it to make friends

Do not deal to football fans, football enthusiasts, football liking people, girls who find footballers attractive, footballers kids, people who play football ‘for fun’ – at all. Trust me or do not. Have you ever heard of the ‘missing link’ – the genetic make up of someone who actually combines the primate and the human? That is the kind of person that GENUINELY enjoys football.

Do not deal to make friends – your customers are not your friends. And if you are a customer and you are making friends with a dealer, it’s because they want to have sex with you, perhaps rape you – or because they know your friends need your contact when they can’t pick up. Or maybe just to impress their real friends, who will be kids they knew growing up who don’t know they’re a dealer. This breed of dealer actively lives with his mother and has been ‘in a relationship’ for 10+ years.

Do not make friends with users. Make friends with mature “professionals”, the elderly, religious teachers and academics

So if you get caught and abused by the police, and you call one of those – they will come get you so your cracky parents don’t have to and they will probably make the police feel stupid. And if the police have abused you – tell them in front of the police.

If you want to be a dealer, and you are well dressed and well kept and good rooking but are not an over privileged white boy with over protective parents who have the financial capacity to hire a huge legal team of which each member has their own entourage – make sure you look like this in your mugshot. Then call the media up as an anonymous person, and tell them you witnessed yourself being abused by the local police. I mean, go into DEEEETAIL. Ask the police for a copy of the reports – I’m unsure if they will hand this over willingly but there is a data protection act that means that they HAVE to – otherwise enquire about it with your lawyer. (I’m studying law – so – until then it can’t be me.)

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If have been abused – touched, molested etc – by the police you will never be able to deal again. If you’re good looking, then avoid STD clinics on google – they might arrange to gather your sperm etc to impregnate their wives with. Not joking. Pussy boy sperm is inferior and they know it.

If they’ve confiscated your phone and you have to find a new client base that you meet ‘by coincidence’ – you are dealing it is to people that they have arranged for you to meet so they can remotely use you to commit crimes on their behalf. You, your siblings, your cousins, your ‘pretty’ sisters – etc will all be fucked over.

That is when you go to school and get qualifications, join the Job Centre or you come to a youth worker like me (no one else can do this job better, apart from my brother someday) who can fix your shit life. Don’t worry, mines shittier.

 

 

If you are a ‘repeat offender’ and you want to escape the corrupt judicial system, because you keep doing things and then later thinking “that wasn’t me” or you have weird blackouts where you did something but don’t really remember doing it – join the military. Their pay is good and they have a separate legal system – they are above the police. It’s your reset button and it is a good revenge on your local police – because your police pretend that they are keeping you safe but really things’ll turn around when you’re actually keeping them safe.

And how fun would it be to find one of the police men that abused you, once you’ve served in the military, with your military buddies and just scare them a little bit? I’ve never seen a police man wet himself, for example.

And if you tell the military what happened to you, if you were abused by the police and you are a victim of society – and most ‘repeat offenders’ – even the thuper thscAaaAAaaary knife/gun wielding teenagers who’ve actually been abused and bullied consistently throughout their lives are – (the police LOVE those) – try to remember every single abusive police man’s name so you can tell your military buddies all about it. Write it down and make a note of it with your red ink pen.

The military are trained to anonymously get away with things – just like the police actually – but the military are superior in every way and get away with much worser crimes. They get paid more too.

No but really – if you want a path towards a revenge that involves deeeeeeeeeply humiliating every single person that ever fucked you over, legally, pick me.

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