LAURA ASHLEY

The image above is a digital collage composed of obscure google finds
attached to keywords to do with 'working in retail'. 
The image was initially intended to accompany a 
collage about my myriad of professional endeavours. 
It was a co-creation between myself and a Pπ hacker and I quite 
enjoyed it actually. 

It was carefully timed in one of those Mercury in Retro-grade periods
and almost romantic. Almost, but not really. A bit though.

This is some of the most contradictory shit I have ever read in my life. I mean I started off thinking ‘curiouser and curiouser’ and then it got to ‘fucking LOL’ – because Laura Ashley probably don’t even know who actually owns Laura Ashley.

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Your sole discretion? “we can choose to not process a transaction and not explain why”

This stuff pissed the black panthers off, I tell ye wut (I don’t know if black panthers shop at Laura Ashley – and not because they can’t afford it either)

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Exactly why aren’t orders placed in Guernsey ‘valid’?? I mean – you can’t just write something like that and not explain yourself. You’re a business enterprise – not a blogger or an independent retailer. This makes you look weird and bad.

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I learned some exciting new words ‘invalidity’ beside ‘unenforceability’

What pleb legal copywriting advice did you seek out for this nonsense? Did you like it because it ‘sounds’ official? Does this make sense to you – this paragraph? If legalese intended for the kind of consumer that shops at Laura Ashley doesn’t make SENSE to the consumer – then it is not protecting the consumer as much as it is protecting Laura fucking Ashley.

Does Laura Ashley care about their consumers or..?

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I just – I am embarrassed because there are two trails of thought here – first – did someone other than your definitely male coder/programmer read this before uploading it? Was it a copy/paste job? Did your legal team just email on over these words and one of your reception staff just forward them on over to the guy that actually knows what cookies are? The second is that a woman actually read this – and thought it was okay. I don’t like the latter thought. So sexist. Undermining your staff. (Don’t worry, the last time I rang up regarding one of your products, I ended up being a little bit insulting too – because they lied about a product and purchasing and installing it – I was later informed by the gentleman we hired to fix up our bathroom – could’ve actually been quite dangerous.)

Heads up by the way – you can’t just put any light in a small bathroom. I mean, maybe that’s not true – I think in LEDCs you take what you can get – but there are legal regulations here, that construction workers have to follow or they can be held accountable if someone gets hurt.

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“you may not assign or sub-contract any of your rights or obligations” on it’s own is a HILARIOUS (albeit incomplete) sentence to read

What are my obligations as a prospective consumer? Do you not think you should explain in detail what you think your consumers obligations are – aside of just outright accepting to share all of the details pertaining to their internet usage OR.ELSE.YOU.MAY.NOT.SHOP.HERE, entering their financial details, their personal address,

You are literally PAYING Laura Ashley to record your information and pass it on. The staff there have no clue – the coders do

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Mansplaining how shopping works. Thanks legal team.

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“We respect your privacy but you can’t use our site without okaying ‘cookies’ -”

That means nothing to you but actually your details – that is, everything you’re searching for on OTHER sites – are documented and then used to predict consumer trends. They can access the codes used on other sites – that means they can see the images you’ve been looking at without actually visiting the websites themselves.

The money that Laura Ashley makes isn’t really all that much in contrast to the amount of money made by the stock market, from observing consumer trends – through ‘cookies’.

So they don’t need to know what their ‘competition’ are upto (Laura Ashley’s competition are secretly owned by the people that own Laura Ashley) (Is it the Arcadia Group? Who owns the Arcadia Group?) (WHO CARES, ITS LAURA ASHLEY!) but they technically do – because the things their buyers are shown are reflective of people who think a step up when it comes to business.

May I suggest some loosely drafted alternatives to your copy:

“Our Privacy Policy is probably the most entertaining and interesting thing on our site and we encourage you to check back on it, frequently, as we can change and edit it whenever the fuck we feel inclined to.”

“Our legal team, were they so cleverly inclined, could probably use the legal section of our site to convey information to actual terrorists and we’d have no idea because we clearly don’t take time to READ what we’re putting on our website”

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fucking GOOD – I have no secrets, but you probably do, and you deserve to too

A tip from a porn site hostess I knew – ‘clear your cache’

You keep my cookies. But remember – nothing is free.

Edited to add:

I purchased this instead – from China. It’ll take awhile to arrive but these items are hand-made and some things are exciting enough to wait for. Not many.

cutie-creator-the-rose-bride-beadchain-headbow-cic-75-1
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