A poor imitation of Lady Gaga’s infamous spike studded bra, inspired by Madonna’s – I’m sure. LOOK. THIS IS WHAT I CAN AFFORD, OKAY.
I personally prefer sports bras, for “sports” – actually sports bras are a perfect investment for when you intend to have a breast augmentation and I’ve wanted to have a breast augmentation for many years, which is why I had “sports bras” hanging around. However I couldn’t find one and I wanted to make a video that I think is quite important, and this is what I had lying around – so I make do with what I’ve got. Being resourceful is a skill worth learning and transferring to any life path.
I purchased this bra in Ealing on Christmas Eve, from a shop I had never been inclined to visit – that was run by people I decided I wouldn’t want to serve me again – people I wouldn’t want (the Universal) you to buy anything from.
They had a few nice things in their shop – certainly not things they had designed either – though they certainly acted as if they had. They had extremely poor manners and offered me a terrible service, they mistreated customers who tried to come into their shop because I was in there – they also mistreated me and embarrassed themselves. Though perhaps didn’t realise it at the time.
It was a shop that did not label their items with prices, which means they had the liberty to tailor a price depending on how wealthy a customer looked. They tried to overcharge me for items with prices that I know did not reflect what they paid at cost value. I’ve no issue with making profit, although I know real muslims do, generally.
Upon making the decision to spend much more than I could afford – I asked for a discount because I was fully aware I was being watched as I shopped and that the shop was overcharging. If a shop does not properly label items (one of these items were labelled – but the most expensive one was not.) (And I struggle to think they’d of been selling many of these garishly coloured faux fur XXL GILETS to people in Ealing before I came along) (And their performance to pretending to think otherwise would’ve been quite poor)
A man working in there was bumping into me, hoovering and stuck his ass in my face while I was trying to shop – and I thank ALL THE GODS that I chainsmoke because I didn’t have to smell him. How a muslim woman who was ‘devout’ enough to be wearing a ‘hijab’ could possibly work alongside a man who was “accidentally” touching his female customers is something of a chat between her and her God. And I was wearing pretty high heels – if I hurt myself as a result of his desperate performance of “clumsiness” I couldn’t have begun to sue for the damage meeting any kind of proportion to the investments in my body.
That shop won’t be open for much longer, maybe I’ll pop in again when they have a closing down sale.
But: that is a kind of unacceptable profiling that shop keepers that carefully don’t price certain items is a result of the profiling that muslims have suffered with residing in the United Kingdom – often running from being mistreated in their own countries. Sometimes people are mistreated because they mistreat anyone who would have looked after them – some people are just bullied – I am one of those. I allow it to happen though, because people do find me threatening. Even if they pretend otherwise.
Muslims residing in the United Kingdom have been victims of profiling, for all sorts of excuses, such as for ‘public safety’ – ‘oh you could be hiding anything under that burqa’.
During a period of train bombings, I recall a girl I knew who reported that she was sitting on a carriage in a train and a burqa clad woman with an array of infants boarded the train. Lots of passengers abruptly exited the train – as if she and her children were donning some kind of explosive device. I can’t begin to express the kind of basic bitch empathy you’d need to understand the insult she must’ve experienced, first of all that she was a bomber, second of all that she would sacrifice her children like that. That is NOT what muslims do – sacrifice their children. If a child is sacrificed to bomb someone – that’s not Islam. That is not radical Islam. It is not acceptable in the Koran.
So back to the shop – it was somewhat strange, to me, that these people were boasting that their hand-picked stock had come all the way from France, who have not actually been so kind to muslims. Particularly muslim women. I regret to inform you that none of the people later identified as being infamous terrorists fighting a Jihadi war have actually been women.
Here is a blonde woman, in a band called Arch Enemy. The ‘Pearl Drum’ had the initials ‘L’ and ‘D’ on the interior. I watched this video before channelling Lady Diana, before I knew it was possible for me to channel.
Lady Diana was murdered in France, was in a relationship with a MUSLIM man who was ALSO murdered in France – and upon this realisation that I was channelling, I was told to make a fire and to put my hand through the fire. There were two witnesses present to a moment that should have caused me great physical harm – it did not. I felt no pain. The fire was real, the hairs on my hand were real – I sure as hell wasn’t having them waxed so I could be attractive to men. I was told to say that the person responsible for the murders was the woman that this country have been taught to call the “Queen”.
Fortunately both Lady Diana and Dodi Al Fayed were transferred into new bodies, but the baby that lady Diana was carrying – I’ve personally visited the doctor who declared her pregnant by the way – could not be saved. It was scraped from her body. Which is simply not done in France.
I learned about Jihad from this band, who used THEIR public profile to define the term.
Lindsay Lohan resides in Dubai, she’s found safety there because at least there – she cannot legally be stalked by Paparazzi. She’s found investors for her selection of businesses – and malls to stock her products and do her products justice – she doesn’t do drugs – she doesn’t drink unless, she’s in a country club I imagine. There are places in Dubai where you can legally drink, if you are not an Arab or a Muslim. She is too public a figure to possibly get away with doing anything illegal there – everyone knows everyone’s business in Dubai. She was given hassle in an American airport for wearing a SCARF – showing some hair but not all that much – and really it needed no explanation – but she said publicly that it made her feel safe. It was a deeply important media moment because it made both the above and following dialogue contextually plausible.
And I imagine it inspired a lot of young arabic women to not feel embarrassed about it. I’m VERY spiritual, but I’m not the type to wear a scarf on my head – I’ve never found the right reason and I’m a firm believer of – if you’re going to do something, feel it in your heart first – then know why you feel to in your heart. Islam says it must come from the heart but it also says you’re born a muslim if your father is a muslim. I’ve watched muslims who pick and choose which aspects of their faith they’re prepared to follow – so if the only muslims I’ve ever met were doing it for the vanity, that is not a religion I’d ever associate myself with. And if that means I can be honour-killed, if that means I am worthy of a fatwa – I would be honoured by the opportunity to publicly state in a court of religious law: “The only muslims I have ever met are perverts in my eyes, the only muslims I have ever met pray sometimes – but do not give to the poor, the only muslims I have ever met proclaim peace to all but gossip about and bully people they should be setting an example to. The only muslims I have ever met put themselves above me and that is not Islam. The only muslims I have ever met kiss me on the cheek to say hello – but a white muslim boy taught me that in Islam it is not allowed for a muslim to touch a person of the opposite sex. I’ve been touched by every muslim man I knew before I was ever taught any scripture.”
As a child I used to think that the way muslims prayed was beautiful but I never called myself one. I watched muslim men touch my brother, I was touched by “muslim” doctors in Dubai – I was raped by one – why don’t religious muslim men fund schools only for women – and send their daughters to learn the medical sciences so that women can be treated by women? Why EXACTLY – tell me honestly. Because I do know, but I want to know if you have the capacity to tell me the truth infront of the men that you call brothers and the women that you should also call brothers.
But as far as Europe is concerned – Europe whose laws remain “inspired” by Jewish laws – as Islam is – if you want me to justify the choice to wear a headscarf from a “Christian”, “Catholic” or “Jewish” perspective: lets begin with the art.
Here is Kim Kardashian in Armenia, her daughter having a Christian Baptism. In no religion – Islam included – is there a suggestion that little babies are required to be ‘modest’. They can through personal choice, but there’s no suggestion.
She was asked to do this in a Holy place, it might not be holy to Kim – I don’t know what is in her heart and actually she isn’t to explain herself to me, faith is a relationship between you and your God(s). The only time I believe it should be correct to question Islam is when you are questioning it’s practitioners – from a place of the desire to LEARN. All of my teachers have been put through the very same tests – before you can be my teacher, show me that you can live what you are teaching. If you are a muslim man, you should not need me to wear a burqa, I should be able to walk through Mecca completely naked and not be glanced at once – and I would know. Believe me, I would know.
Some women don’t wear a headscarf because they aren’t pretty, or they make them feel stupid. The men standing behind Kim – could quite easily ‘feel stupid’ for the publicity they received and the lack of payment they received for being photographed in a Holy place, wearing those clothes, but they don’t – because of their dedication to their faith, because of tradition, and because of the meaning that it gives their pursuit to religion. And Kim’s compliance to dress modestly when half the world has already seen her naked was a diplomatic godsend because it meant that Armenia could be seen and discussed by her VAST audience. And that is important – a lot of people don’t even know that there was an Armenian genocide.
The importance I place on a career that renders a person a “celebrity” is founded in their influence over their audience. How they use their celebrity.
Madonna – bless her – said that she wanted to be a singer because she had a message that she wanted to share. That statement, to me, is the fullest celebration of the purpose celebrity.
As a kid I used to read about it because of a band called System of a Down. Who used their public profile and website, years ago, to depict a map with various geographical points highlighted for you to click on and read about countries that had been victims met without compensation for human rights abuses. That is my idea of a celebrity, but these people were never treated as “celebrities”.
That is not the kind of conversation that comes to me naturally – nor should it fucking be!? – when I am shopping to console myself – I like to shop. Shopping is something that I do more now, because I no longer have friends around me that I’d like to spend my cash on. Nor do I want any. I actually prefer spending my cash on buying other people gifts, it brings me much more happiness finding things that other people might like or appreciate. I’m a creative shopper and the happiness I get from GIVING is SO REAL.
I am a huge fan of independently run shops – traditional shops that have stood the test of time through offering locals a decent service, who can be trusted to treat tourists well, who make a town or even a simple little street look good. I am not patriotic enough to hire a British person over a foreigner, I actually value anything that can be learned from other cultures, it enriches my life experience. I’d travel more if I could afford to and if I felt safe to do so – being raped in other countries (including countries I ought to have called my own) – means that I have to be a little bit more frivolous about it. If I’m travelling, I’m staying in first class hotels that can afford for me to later sue them. And that is why I wear labels now. Unless I spot something in a charity shop that supports causes that are true to my personal values. And I’m served by someone who can have a decent conversation about exactly where the money I’m spending is going, or who would be at least as interested as I am to find out.
Finally, this is Maynard – he is a Spiritual Master teacher who served in the army. He channels his spirituality into making wine for Caduceus. He loves Beyonce and he loves Jay-Z. He was friends with David Bowie – helped him write songs. Friends with Tori Amos. All sorts of “famous” people, but he never really got the “fame” he absolutely deserved. Here he is looking tremendously silly and showing you how to react when someone touches you without permission.
I have not been paid for anything I’ve done, for the things I’ve written to influence others, for publicly proclaiming love or attraction to people to only be met with the most painful and mortifying and heart breaking rejection – for calling people friends and defending them when they were being attacked or bullied or slandered and later realising they were only stalking me to meet men. Do you have any idea how much bravery it takes to publicly tell people you are in love with them? Especially when they turn around and publicly reject you. Expressing love is something that takes a great deal of inner strength and being publicly mistreated – then called crazy?
Imagine being Lady Diana – a children’s teacher before marrying into ‘royalty’ – and using her celebrity and position to teach others to dialogue about serious diseases, poverty, abuse and self harm. She taught English women that it was alright to be publicly loving to your husband. She gave and dedicated her position and TIME to selflessly attend to people that had absolutely nothing to give back to her, and loving them with everything she had – even in the face of being abused by her family. I assure you that if you have been abused by your family once, you’ll be abused by your next one – until you learn to walk away, until you learn to force a confession and an apology out of them.
And really – all of this created in English women a particular kind of monster – she had (according to any psychiatrist) put up with never having been loved by her father, so she put up with never being shown love by a man she was clearly absolutely in love with and dedicated to being a ‘good wife’ to.
She taught English women to aspire to be generous, giving and kind. She had learned the value of that – those qualities. Perhaps not the downside that accompanies such kindness, but she was privileged enough for a time to not need to know the downside of being so kind – that you can be taken advantage of, for that kindness. Can be mistaken for naive or weak. She taught through example, humility, honesty, grace (in the face of even bizarre humiliation and disrespect), determination and duty. If you cannot live these qualities, you shouldn’t consider yourself a mother. You definitely shouldn’t aspire to be one.
Do you know – for my services to all – that involved encouraging kids not to feel stupid dancing, to not feel compelled to be ‘modest’ about their bodies before first appreciating the beauty in their bodies and especially to women – the power of their naked bodies. Women are made slaves of through buying clothes and jewellery if they don’t first appreciate who they are and what they look like without these things.
Once – a muslim girl was kind enough to compliment me – she is a VERY religious hijabi girl – she had seen photographs of me naked. She might’ve been being disingenuous in complimenting me, but I think what was kind was that she had said that she’d seen the photos. A lot of people pretended not to be interested in me, a lot of people gossiped about me in that sixth form college and pretended not to know anything about me.
They really weren’t especially flattering photographs, definitely the kind you’d feel uncomfortable seeing publicised in a magazine if the only breasts you’ve ever seen were silicone-perfect-sculpted-by-a-surgeon. And like anyone, I love breasts that look like that.
But they aren’t real. And by the way – reals not in it, I love a surgeon sculpted body. And not everyone can afford surgery. Not everyone wants to be touched up by a surgeon – or have them get out one of their pens and a ruler to define all your imperfections. In my journey to having a breast augmentation, I got touched up by a surgeon, got humiliated and measured – told all my imperfections in detail – and then by some coincidence I got an extremely bad case of food poisoning and I couldn’t have the surgery to accompany the humiliation. It’s difficult to humiliate me though, I think I laughed it off.
I was photographed by a really nasty girl – (that is closer to the British female personality by the way – Diana was truly a unique snowflake) who purposely photographed my breasts looking terrible (I hadn’t spent much time ever looking at my breasts – at about twelve I actually almost started crying when my sister looked at my chest and said ‘you’re going to have to wear a bra soon’) published these photographs online. I wasn’t eighteen at the time and even though my breasts were in the photo, there was no sexual undertone to them. There really shouldn’t be a sexual undertone to any kind of nudity. Imagine – there were people who were told to strip naked in concentration camps before being gassed, imagine some sad pervert using that as a chance to masturbate to the sight of human genitals or breasts.
My mother knew about the photographs, there were no secrets. My teachers knew about the photographs, there were no secrets. An art teacher in a school I went to once showed me a sketchbook – a girl wanted to properly sketch the physical female form, she stood in front of a mirror in her pants and sketched. There was no sexual undertone to these images, these sketches. It’d be both ridiculous and ludicrous to think it.
But I am glad – because even if my nasty, thoughtless, irresponsible “friend” went around sharing the photos – unedited – with all of her male friends, who shared it with their male friends and their male friends – so she could humiliate me and be ‘the more attractive one’ – (her biggest physical flaw is her fucked up teeth and I actually like those – her stupidity, her inability to apologise being quite the worst – actually, no her biggest flaw is her guiltless, poor character – and the arising tendency that comes from that, to manipulate, when there’s a boy that she’s interested in – even if he’s not interested in her and is really just trying to learn about her friend.) (They’re related.) – the idea that women who had ever been taught to feel insecure about GLANDS – thats what they’re called by the way – MAMMARY GLANDS – might’ve looked at those photographs and felt better about their bodies, makes me HAPPY. GOOD FOR YOU.
There are bits of Diana’s life that mirror mine, her being called stupid by people she admired or loved (and probably only complimented by people that desired her celebrity), her being kept from getting qualifications she absolutely deserved, her never really being complimented for doing a good job etc – well. That’s what happens to leaders, Lady Diana. We’re abused. Jesus Christ even said so.
Your own people will never accept you.
We have to accept that the moment we need to hear the words ‘good job” is the moment that our self esteem comes from something else – a qualification doesn’t mean anything, doesn’t make you a skilled professional. Do you have any idea how young she was when she went through all of this shit? That strength… I admire. The moment we need the love we selflessly give to people who have been abused, to be returned to us – is the moment we have failed our duties.
Leaders hate the sound of an applause. It’s patronising and offensive to us – we aren’t really celebrities or performers.
Leaders hate the “accolades” – and we are rarely given the “accolades” we actually deserve, people have no idea what we offer until we are no longer offering it.
The only thing worthy of trust in anyone is an oath: taken from a time-tested and deeply honest heart – prepared to sacrifice itself to do it’s duty. And that is my feeling towards Islam and any religion, I won’t give myself a title like “a Christian” or “a Jew” or “a Muslim” – because I know WAY too much about those religions to be an ambassador to them. Because I know WAY too much about their prophets from my personal meditations to believe that the things they taught their people were wholly divinely motivated.
It’s not an insult to the religions – it’s an insult to the fact that the people who documented those religions were still imperfect. If you had not given your body to the God you were speaking for – if you had not changed your name to meet theirs – if you had not dressed how they told you to dress – if you had not given up every aspect of your identity so that your body could be a home to that God – then the messages you pass on from them remain works in progress until someone does do that.
Now – the issue Jesus Christ had – was that he was for all intents and purposes the King of his people. But he felt his purpose was to teach non-violence, even if his friends gave him the strength and protection he needed to do his job, and Mary Magdalene was definitely amongst those – I mean until today she’s called a “prostitute” but that says more about her friends than it does about her – and the poor thing was left hanging out with the ‘Virgin’ Mary. A virgin… she was not. An excellent liar, she was. The Jews were subjugated by the Romans.
Heeeheeeeeee ‘enter sikarii’. They were warlord-y Jews and wayyyy more my kind of Jews than Cohens.