It’s twenty minutes to three am in London right now, my ‘mother’ ‘apologised’ for something. It was kind of nice. A bit late. Kind of awkward, really.

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But I said “if your ‘family’ abuse you, everyone else thinks it’s okay to abuse you too’

I also said “if she wasn’t my ‘sister’ – I’d want her dead”

I thought of the nurse that screamed ‘shut up’ at me from behind a desk when I sat on a weird sunbed in a ward full of women who had allegedly just had abortions under so-much anaesthetic, and I was in absolute tears.

I thought of Rihanna for a moment but her career is finished – people know too much about you. I thought of Joana for a moment – is she still alive? When people know this much?

Don’t have kids if your life sucks. It won’t get better. If you really think your finances and being organised makes you a good parent – you are so fucking wrong. If you lie – you shouldn’t have kids. If you’re good at lying, go to acting school. Kids are not your plea for a family life, some fantasy you’ve seen on television. If you have kids while you’ve living with a million other people in some huge house – they’re there for them too. You don’t wander off or elope to live alone with your boyfriend (unless you’ve both been abused by everyone you’ve ever known, I guess) with your kids thinking that your life will suddenly become magical and fantastic. It begins with you – being both magical and fantastic.

Everytime I’ve ever spoken to my kids from the future they say “we do NOT meet your ‘family’.” “We do NOT meet your old ‘friends’.”

Published by KARINITA


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