It’s twenty minutes to three am in London right now, my ‘mother’ ‘apologised’ for something. It was kind of nice. A bit late. Kind of awkward, really.

But I said “if your ‘family’ abuse you, everyone else thinks it’s okay to abuse you too’

I also said “if she wasn’t my ‘sister’ – I’d want her dead”

I thought of the nurse that screamed ‘shut up’ at me from behind a desk when I sat on a weird sunbed in a ward full of women who had allegedly just had abortions under so-much anaesthetic, and I was in absolute tears.

I thought of Rihanna for a moment but her career is finished – people know too much about you. I thought of Joana for a moment – is she still alive? When people know this much?

Don’t have kids if your life sucks. It won’t get better. If you really think your finances and being organised makes you a good parent – you are so fucking wrong. If you lie – you shouldn’t have kids. If you’re good at lying, go to acting school. Kids are not your plea for a family life, some fantasy you’ve seen on television. If you have kids while you’ve living with a million other people in some huge house – they’re there for them too. You don’t wander off or elope to live alone with your boyfriend (unless you’ve both been abused by everyone you’ve ever known, I guess) with your kids thinking that your life will suddenly become magical and fantastic. It begins with you – being both magical and fantastic.

Everytime I’ve ever spoken to my kids from the future they say “we do NOT meet your ‘family’.” “We do NOT meet your old ‘friends’.”