I don’t care enough about your feelings to lie to you. Companies don’t care enough about me to give me free stuff.

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This is an Estée Lauder perfume called Bronze Goddess. It was recommended to me by one of my worst enemies, who was trying to insult me, actually. I’m a smoker.

It is a really good perfume for smokers and you can apply it to your hair without your hair falling out. The smell attaches to your stuff long after you use it and it is the prettiest smell ever. I very rarely appreciate perfume packaging, I like this perfume packaging. This little photo collection was inspired by the bottle for Bronze Goddess. And Sally Hansen’s leg tanning stuff…

sudocrem

This is Sudocreme. A nurse that likes to steal babies (she told my sister that when you get an ache in your ‘left ovary’ it means you ‘need to take a shit’.) suggested it – and it is good for everything. Not stealing babies and causing people pain good – but quite good. It makes sense, it is a nappy rash cream.

If you bash your head for example, it will help your body to heal the wound at a slightly accelerated rate. It is also good for acne. Do not apply it in thin amounts – but if you do apply it in very thin amounts it is a good primer. I don’t prime my skin before putting on make up but I know some of my ‘anonymous’ readers do.

Sudocreme is also great for the little wounds you might get from shaving, or those little bumps you get when you have ingrown hairs. Don’t worry – they’re not herpes – they’re your skin demanding that you invest in laser treatment.

Diabetic people are taught to apply cream not in a thin-film, but in heavier amounts – for example if you have a cut as a diabetic, you have to apply antibiotic cream quite heavily and leave it for your skin to absorb. It takes patience and not touching anything while it absorbs.

handcreme

This is a good moisturiser. It is Australian teatree antiseptic cream. Teatree is a natural antiseptic and it smells really nice. I sometimes use teatree oil as deodorant when I need a shower – I wash my underarms with handsoap and then apply the oil instead of deodorant – I’m not going to shower just because I’m a bit sweaty cos I haven’t used my favourite deodorant.

This antiseptic is also good for little wounds you might get from shaving.

handsalveeee

This is a very strong moisturising salve which is great for elbows and knees. I recommend applying it also if you have post-shaving dry skin on your legs. It is oily so it isn’t a regular use thing. It is also not too expensive.

scrubbystone

This is a pomice stone. It is a volcanic stone. If you can be bothered to regularly scrub your face, stretchmarks etc – they will slowly disappear with regular use. Try to scrub in a circular motion – not too hard but not too soft, in a hot shower. You can also use these to remove those little yellow surface burns that people who smoke roll ups get on their fingers. I don’t have it in me to shower daily, I wash my genital-ish area almost every time I use the toilet with some non-toxic handsoap and I use a good deodorant. I do not have to shower every day, but I do not live an active lifestyle. Anyway – these keep your skin looking good. A bit red for a bit, but still good.

bodyscrub-facescrub-star

This is a good face scrub. Some idiot woman said that using scrubs that have small stones in makes your face bleed. Perhaps but the cuts are microscopic, which means that your blood flows to your face and keeps you looking young. People who are concerned with looking youthful are prepared to a lot of money to have someone stab their face microscopically. And it keeps you looking young. It is not as great as having your face injected with restylane and juvederm, but it helps you maintain good work. People who are concerned with looking youthful are prepared to a lot of money to have someone stab their face microscopically so don’t worry about tiny facial cuts.

fenjaldeo-sea-ak

This is the only Deodorant that works. It is non toxic and it comes in a glass bottle. People who do not use this deodorant have beo. It is currently sold out in Boots and I’m glad.


This entry is going to be accompanied by a ‘the making of’ phone-photo montage. Because you wouldn’t of thought that much effort could’ve gone into those Gifs, but you’d be mistaken. I used bathwater + acrylic paint + fake tan to create the water. I used an oyster shell. I filmed everything using a mirror and then flipped it over in PP/post production. I initially wanted to make a video mocking people who have no personality whatsoever or who do make up tutorials to sell products they aren’t genuinely enamoured by – but I think that would’ve been a disservice to the ones that do interesting make up. I do believe make up is an art, and making videos is an art – but I am actually deeply offended by people who have made a career ‘testing’ make up. If you are going to really test make up, wear it for days. Don’t remove it. Go all out.

I’d love to direct a proper make up art video. It takes using a product for a very long time to really be able to associate your name with it, I think. The above are all products I used on myself to excess. That perfume (the one that inspired the colour palette for my .gifs) probably could’ve lasted someone for years – I use about ten sprays at a time. I’m a smoker.

 

turquoise

turq2

 

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