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I’m making an animated video – a casting call for women that think they’d enjoy modelling, that might not consider themselves capable of being models because they don’t meet society’s beauty standards. I used to use a site called >>modelmayhem,<< a social networking site for MUAs (make up artists), photographers and models to exchange their time as artists/performers for images in order to build up an online portfolio.

When I was at University I was overcome with insecurity and ended up deleting a lot of significant art works, that I felt weren’t good enough to be showcased on the internet. I’d been liasing with some of the biggest names in the online adult industry at nineteen, though most of them have since disappeared off the face of the internet.

It was to my personal detriment later, that I had deleted my work and various online personas – when I was in a psychiatric ward, doing illustration of all things (watercolour paints), and it alarmed the nurses so much that they telephoned my mother (a woman I hadn’t lived with for many years, and who I had hardly spoken to upon moving out because I had a lot of anger about an abusive and neglectful childhood – this was never discussed, strangely enough and I really think that if you’re going to imprison someone in a hospital you quite ought to have some idea of their personal history.) to say something to the effect of “she’s doing art – does she normally do art??!” and she said “yes, she does like to do art.”

I’ve been to the best Art Schools in the World.
Yes, I do ‘do art’. My sixth form college?
Was a college named after >>William Morris<< an artist who remains responsible for most people’s tastes in interiors.

My incomplete foundation years – were both taken at London College of Fashion – arguably the most prestigious fashion school in the World.
Although I’m sure students of Central Saint Martins would protest.
The truth is that both London College of Fashion (LCF) and Central Saint Martins (CSM) are colleges associated with University of the Arts. Alexander McQueen studied at Central Saint Martins, most of the people who design the streetwear you have hanging in your closet went to one of those two establishments actually.

The image above is a screenshot from an Adobe software called After Effects – that I use to animate on top of video footage that I shoot and then edit using Final Cut Pro. Every layer you can see in that image has been cut out by hand, then scanned in using a digital scanner, then edited on Photoshop CS. Including the splatters of paint.

I cut this knife and chopping board (using scissors!) out of a Harrods magazine we had sitting amongst all my old Vogues – before we cleared our things out of the house so we could finally do it up a little. The knife and chopping board were in the advertorial interior design section of the magazine, a very tiny section of a fancy catalogue. I was hoping I might be able to create a little collaged animation at the time but my imagination took me elsewhere, I suppose.

When you study art you are encouraged to back up all of “your” art by including and studying your influences to some depth. I’m using this entry to provide an example of the depth that would’ve been expected of me at GCSE level.

So – below – is a screen shot – not taken by me, of a game called Final Fantasy VII. If you do not have a Playstation I would strongly recommend you watching a lets-play, they’re very enjoyable to me and quite cinematic. I like games with a strong and engaging narrative.

It is one of my favourite games of all time. To ‘retro’ gamers (that is, Playstation 1/sega mega drive/super nintendo console-gamers) – this screen is something worthy of being put in an ornate gold frame. This screenshot, composed of many, many, many >>pixels<< that had been painstakingly and very meticulously designed by many artists (even the typeface/font took someone probably YEARS to put together.)

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I would suggest that the glove used, in place of a cursor (you know, the little arrow on your screen that moves when you move your mouse or touchpad – here that arrow is signified by a gloved hand.) was inspired by…. was also inspired by some of the artists favourite art works. That is to say: I would assume then, that the creators of Final Fantasy were inspired by another of my very, very, very favourite artists – the man responsible for that iconographic little mouse, Mickey. His name is Walt Disney. Below is Mickey Mouse, wearing his oh-so-iconic white gloves.

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The lighting of this particular screen is also quite interesting to me as a fan of the show >> BLACKADDER <<.

A collection of comedic time pieces – that is ‘period’ pieces. It was a popular sitcom, years ago. One of the only things I liked about the British, as a child, was that I thought they were quite funny.

This is one of the only things I was allowed to watch when I was a child, so I watched it again and again and again – sometimes for weeks on end. I only ever really spoke to my mother and sibling to argue, or to be asked for money (I used to save all the Eid money I was given, because I was never taken out, so I didn’t really buy things. So on occasion my “drug-addicted” brother “borrowed” weed money and my “sister” also “borrowed” money to loan her boyfriend(s)?) but we had very, very theatrical arguments. Even if I was always stressed out and a little bit miserable. I learned to find being a little bit miserable funny. I learned to adopt a ‘dark humour’. This show will be perfect for anyone with an appetite for dark humour.

In the event that the above video is removed, below I’ve included screen shots of the opening sequence for Blackadder – Season 2. Which also depicts a black/white, low lit scene and a white glove.

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The arts have been considered of utmost importance in conveying subtle messages, particularly in war-time Propaganda. I studied this, when I was studying a film degree at University of the Creative Arts. Sexual imagery was used to subliminally entice young boys to enlist in the army, and to appeal to their lacking concentration spans using “exciting” figures, such as an unattainable female form. No woman on EARTH looks like this fabulous siren, without the aid of photoshop at the very least.

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I’ll explain the image above in depth, for those not-in-the-know, I’m something of a history buff. Just a literary hobby, not an academic pursuit. I have many hobbies and interests, as any healthy person ought to.

During wartime, men who had been sent out to fight a war on behalf of their goverments would write home – you know, letters to the people they knew before they enlisted and whom they might never have seen again, to describe their experiences. These letters were often read prior to their being delivered to their intended recipients. This was considered necessary, because some soldiers probably could’ve authored details in these letters with no malicious intent – that might’ve indicated strategic details they had been privy to and they’d of been a liability if those letters had then been intercepted by ‘the enemy’. And many letters were.

The romantic in me was seduced by the idea of artful censorship, as it was authored in a book by Joseph Heller, called Catch 22.

I used to be friends with a girl called Annaliese. She owns a website called GodsGirls.com and I’m unsure if she still does – but she was also the CEO of a site called crushee.com.

There was a huge courtcase some years ago between GodsGirls and SuicideGirls that met with a lot of notoriety online, and was somewhat infamous. I was very emotionally involved in that court case, the online adult industry was my sole professional ambition and everything I had been working towards since my GCSEs. I even referenced many of the artists on those sites in my GCSE coursework.

I had publicly been very ambitious towards wanting to model for one of those, SuicideGirls had an ethos that stated they were motivated by the idea of “redefining beauty”, and “the girl next door”

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Before our friendship disintegrated, I was a model and blogger on GodsGirls.com. I never submitted a photographic set because I wasn’t enticed by the low-paye or the terrible photographers that the owner of the site had hired, in the United Kingdom. As an homage of sorts to a somewhat abusive childhood, being raised by a Christian woman who I had felt indoctrinated me – I decided to name myself ‘Magdalene’ on that site. It was between that, and Kittie – after the name that Anne Frank gave her diary.

Here is a quote I liked from that book – Catch 22. That I posted in a blog, many years ago.

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The quote in it’s entirety is:

Soon he was proscribing parts of salutations and signatures and leaving the text untouched. One time he blacked out all but the salutation “Dear Mary” from a letter,
and at the bottom he wrote, “I yearn for you tragically.” [ref]

#catch22

To explain further – the protagonist (the main character) became quite artistic about censoring letters. He was being kept in a hospital at the expense of a wartime economy and he had to continue to be useful, so his wartime duties continued, in spite of his being bedridden.

Other things to consider of that photograph I took, of a shoe on top of a wire:
A pair of shoes with a kitten heel, atop a telephone wire atop a wooden floor – I photographed it because I was so taken by the composition – I look down. It’s just a thing I do. Probably because of this song.

Haha, no, I lie, it’s because I got ass raped by a doctor in white gloves when I was little. Technically it was a medical procedure, but actually it was four nurses who pulled my pants down, laid me face down on a table, and watched a doctor shove something up my ass. It was very painful and very humiliating and very traumatising and probably gave me PTSD. My family were all very, very, very, very, VERY stupid – like unimaginably stupid – and never thought that could’ve been their fault, or that it might have ruined my life. Three years old is very young to have your life ruined by rape, an unsympathetic family, an autistic and abused little boy for a brother, a (not medically certified) retard for a “sister” who is controlled by feelings of envy and who controls others through compulsively lying, manipulation and a pretty face – etc.

(Incase the video is removed – ‘Look Down – Les Miserables’ – a very, very big book indeed – originally written by Victor Hugo – about the Industrial Revolution in France upon the death of the monarchy.)

But also, to a later self – it’s a reference to “She’s dead, wrapped in plastic” – I only ever watched a single episode of Twin Peaks but every guy I had dated was obsessed with David Lynch’s film work. I am more taken by his brain and his spiritual pursuits.

Here is the ‘She’s dead, wrapped in plastic” scene. Basically the series that was too difficult for me to enjoy – for many reasons – (most of Lynch’s work is actually quite emotionally triggering) – I was heart broken by only a synopsis of ‘Elephant Man’.

Now – because I’m also taken by the idea of ‘metasynchronicity’ – the idea that many things can be connected at once – at a time when my internet moniker was ‘Magdalene’ (a reference to a biblical figure, a Jewish woman – called Mary Magdalene) on a site that was very visible and also called “GodsGirls” – I drew a lot of attention with that name.

This is a very old painting of Mary Magdalene and I enjoy that she looks quite like me, although I strongly doubt she looked like that. If you study Art History you’re invited to ask questions based on observations – for example – Jesus Christ in this photograph – doesn’t have any arm pit hair, and is showing a nipple.

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Mary Magdalene was the original “sexy” girl and I write about that in an essay I’m putting together here. And Final Fantasy VII actually repeats the archetypes in this particular New testament story. Actually all my very favourite stories do. Archetypes are very, very interesting to people who have been so affected by mental illness that they became interested in psychiatry at the age of six or seven.

Could you have possibly imagined how many things this silly picture was referencing all at once? Or do you… do you just see flowers and a knife on a chopping board…?

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In GCSE art – or GCSE psychology I imagine, you’d create a tidy little mind map. What do you associate with the knife? What do you associate with a wooden block? What do you associate with flowers? (I don’t care, but I’m trying to help you to learn to think a little bit deeper.)

All of my art – is about truth, beauty, love and death. Not life though – I’ve never lived much of that to be able to document it in art form. Though you wouldn’t think it from the blogs I write, would you. This entry is 2248 words long.

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