I used to want nothing more than to work for the online adult industry. I wanted to be either a SuicideGirl or a GodsGirl more than I had ever wanted anything.

This is an example of the pathetic SG vs GG drama that took place at the time. And really what most girls are like.

id rather befriend an alley way slut – those are the ones that made it okay for the coffee shop girls to get naked in the first place

I used to be on GodsGirls.com. I never modelled for them, I’ve written about the experience, however, in various places all over the internet but especially in incremental moments throughout this blog. My profile was listed as a model profile because I regularly blogged, and I was pretty good at it. I was certainly dedicated to it. And I was an active participant in a web community made up of some of the greatest professionals in the media industry at the time. Those were my internet friends, a long time ago. But not really many of the models – the majority of the models were nasty girls.

A lot of people who accessed that site – and if I recall it was at least 10,000 individual hits within the first two months of my profile being on that site – pretended not to know who I was – never having considered myself a model at all – and MANY people stalked me to university.

I spoke abruptly and quite unkindly to a girl I had known of on GodsGirls.com. She was somewhat of a stalker, who had become interested in photography because of me. At one point, when I wanted to model for the money – she and I exchanged some messages between us. She wanted to charge to photograph me, knowing actually (the girls who appeared in softcore pornography, from those days, gossiped about one another – and quite nastily.). I never modelled for GodsGirls because I felt too hideous to, and that dream had been what really made me want to go to University at all in the first place. These women had never really been honest about their surgeries, or discussed that they were so skinny because they suffered with eating disorders.

Having had an eating disorder myself – quite a serious one actually (at one point I was living on an avocado and four chicken nuggets a day) – I am entirely sympathetic and empathetic towards women who have that disorder. More so than you can imagine actually.  The women in my own family suffer with various eating disorders – one of them having run away to Turkey or something to have a balloon inserted into her body to suppress her appetite. My mother’s mother came from a time when it was quite normal to take your young daughter to the GP and be prescribed amphetamines/uppers to speed up their metabolisms.

However, this particular stalker of mine, actively makes money by overcharging to poorly photograph sets of insecure women – most of which go into the ‘free’ section of SuicideGirls – and then she further overcharges to photoshop them. As if that isn’t already an absolutely necessary aspect of digital photography. Uploading images to a site like SuicideGirls, that have not been edited or otherwise had any effort extended towards them – is COMPLETELY unacceptable: to me. I do not believe that women should have to PAY to appear in pornography that will be viewed by COUNTLESS BILLIONS of people.

I’m sick of manipulative women, I’m sick of women who belittle other women. She had my membership on that site terminated.

if I am nasty to you, it is karmic. I suffer for cruelty – as in I experience tremendous guilt – but I also suffer for longer if I do not create some kind of dialogue about what I perceive to be woman to woman abuse – which was my experience of GodsGirls also.

Here is a personal belief, in me: Sometimes, the biggest confrontations of our lives are our future children engaging with our memories to tell us that our behaviour is unacceptable.

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