Or you are set up to fail.

Here’s why I never talked – cos there is TOO MUCH to say.

Play this while you read – and put it on a loop.

Remember that when you call yourself a Christian, that you are following a faith inspired by someone you’ve only heard good things about. A person who could justify having temper tantrums in a holy place – a person who argued with great scholars. A person who did not once say that they were the Son of God. But perhaps that is exactly what he should have said – “I AM the son of God“. When your parents are no longer fit to be parents, you have choices. But before you claim a parent, know the parent.

Before you pick someone as a child – know the child. I had a “friend” called Charlotte – actually she was never a friend.

When I was younger – I went to a party with a boyfriend called Ahmed. I had a curfew and I had to leave at a certain time, and he wasn’t allowed at that point to stay the night in my home.

Backstory: My mother had had a boyfriend called Ahmed in her youth that she had thought died – he’s alive, really he is – and it upset her that the guy I was dating had the same name as him. She never verbalised this but did other peculiar things, like walking around in a see-through sarong that she wouldn’t of wanted me to wear if she had brought friends/boyfriends over. She was not and is not, the kind of person who wears see through clothing because she’s insecure about her body. She has had anorexia since her childhood and until now she suffers with that issue – anorexia isn’t an ‘eating’ disorder, it’s a ‘control’ disorder. If she was the kind of person to wander around in see-through sarongs at home, I wouldn’t of thought it unusual.

Charlotte “babysat” my boyfriend Ahmed. She realised at this point – that she wanted a boyfriend. She had identified as mostly a lesbian prior to meeting him. I left him with her at a party, and I don’t know what happened at that party. I imagine they flirted – and that wouldn’t of bothered me. He flirts with everyone and I’ve always thought that was charming about him, although it’s gotten him into trouble later in life.

Years later this Charlotte girl got bullied on LiveJournal – there was a community about ‘bedrooms’ – I love people’s bedrooms. I love interior design and decor, although I was never given the money to buy the kinds of things I’d of liked to of bought. My sister Cherrene was bought antiques to decorate her room with, my things were second hand. I have a taste for second hand things so that never bothered me.

Years later yet, this girl followed me to University. She was on the same course as me. She sought me out, and I consider myself as having accepted to being her babysitter. She was not a friend, certainly not an equal. If you met the kind of people she called friends, you’d probably have been quite weirded out that I was hanging around her but ultimately what kept me attached to her was that I had infinite amounts of respect for her mother. Her mother helped me look after Tintin, once took him to the vet knowing that I couldn’t, and her grandmother knitted him a beautiful jumper (I can do a lot of things – knitting has never been one of those.)

I visited her mother’s council flat in Acton and it was immaculately kept. When I was around, Charlotte’s friends that I could tolerate – as in her boyfriend Jerome, a girl called Stephanie that I was baby sitting and Luke – had respect for her mother. If she wanted us to do something – and thats that we were the “laziest” stoners you’ve ever met – we did it.

Charlotte’s mother had a sticky note on her fridge of the ‘agreements’ Charlotte made to not be abusive towards her mother. Charlotte’s mother knew all her secrets but pretended not to. I am the only friend of Charlotte’s that literally would stare her down if she tried being rude.

Charlotte was kept safe, by me, because when I call someone a friend – no one will walk upto them and abuse them. NO ONE. They’ll abuse me, perhaps, but at best they’ll separate me from them.

Charlotte’s boyfriend Jerome decided he liked me when his friend Max and his girlfriend were at Charlotte’s and she was sticking her ass in people’s faces in front of him and I said “He’ll leave you if you keep doing that” and left it – something I’d learned from my teacher Lisa. I did not want to be friends with Charlotte’s friends, I was too old. When they had parties, I didn’t really go. I hung around but I didn’t talk to them. I bought her some cakes, and I left.

At one point, Charlotte got jealous of me and started abusing me with her boyfriend. Then she got all of the fucking obese women in her family to come to my home and abuse me, not yet having learned what kind of person she is.

The kind of person who would call their daughter CHARLOTTE – after a girl like that – I pity. And now she is learning that she made serious mistakes – and I’m not sticking up for her.

The fatcow girl decided she wanted to be a ‘vet’ – the only animals she had ever been around were dogs that were forced to trust her. That was the first job I had ever wanted – but I empathised with animals so deeply that I couldn’t of done that job. It’s not laziness, I wanted animals to like me as much as I love them. Animals don’t love vets. They associate vets with pain.

I had to lecture my local vet – a guy who I actually think is a much better vet than any I’ve ever met before – although I do have issues with a lot of his methods – on how to better cut dogs nails. The way we cut animal’s nails is wrong. You can only learn that if you have a genuine connection to an animal that you HAVEN’T trained.


And if the people you’re learning from are the best teachers you’ve got going, don’t later challenge them with their own moves. Don’t even try. Accept that if someone is a teacher, they are a teacher for life.

DO NOT COMPETE WITH MASTERS. Let me tell you what I’ve learned from animals. It’s not going to sound like anything you’ve watched in a documentary though.

I’m going to teach you a whole lot of stuff, but most importantly you’ll walk away knowing about HONESTY. If you can read this much. The recollections may be somewhat inaccurate, but I am authoring them as honestly as I am able to and that is the best I can do. That is sincerity.

Sincerity is the greatest weapon in ANYONE’S arsenal. Sincerity accompanied by honesty and a determination to use one’s self as an example, even in the face of punishment (such as humiliation – some people would prefer to be hit than to be humiliated, and to some people, being hit is humiliation. Especially in regions of their body where they have been victims of sexual abuse.) is as close to honouring the lessons I was taught through choosing a mother who called herself a ‘born again’ and ‘spirit filled’ Christian.

I went to a school called Saint James Independent School for Girls – who taught me three things that I remember:

the first “Be of SERVICE to ALL” and the second was to do your very best. Not to BE the best – but to do YOUR OWN best.

The final one – I learned in sports. I participated in a race. There was a very, very tall girl with a body much bigger than my own. Before the race I analysed who I thought to win – technically if I hadn’t of had the injuries I’d had… it should have been me.
I did not win the race, that tall girl with a body bigger than mine came before me. I came almost last actually.

But losing that taught me the most valuable lesson – the P.E teacher took me aside and said “WHY DID YOU LOSE?” and of course he knew but he wanted to see what I’d say.
I said ‘BECAUSE I CAN’T RUN’ – and he said ‘thats nonsense. you lost because you were staring at that girl – because she’s FAT. Keep your eyes ahead. Stay in your own lane.” If I had won that race, I would never have learned that lesson.
Focus on yourself, don’t compete with anyone else.

When I was little I watched a film called ‘André’ – I saw a seal swimming under water and all I wanted was to swim like that seal. What you observe, you become. What observes you becomes you.


First of all:

WILD ANIMALS ARE MASTERS
Before animals were domesticated – they were WILD. That means at some point – we robbed them of their FREEDOM. When you have domesticated an animal, it is often considered cruelty to ‘release them into the wild’, because they’ve come to expect food to be given to them. They’ve not been taught about how to exist, by many generations before them.

When a domestic animal is triggered by a primitive instinct, it becomes a master. It connects with a time and place that may well have existed before you. In the bible we are taught that animals existed on Earth before humans did. God created humans LAST. God created animals as TEACHERS.

That means – when it comes to animals – whether you’re calling them ‘pets’, eating them, or otherwise sharing a space with them – have RESPECT. It is not abuse to ignore an animal. It is not abuse to ‘ignore’ a human being.

I’m going to tell you everything I’ve learned from animals – animals generally quite like me even if their owners don’t – but that has not always been the case, nor do I imagine it always will be. It depends on what you think being ‘liked’ is – your understanding of a dog licking you is different to mine. A dog licks WOUNDS – a dog licks food because they don’t have hands. Dogs NEED SALT. MAMMALS NEED SALT. THATS WHY SMALL ‘RODENTS’ HAVE SALT ROCKS.
Dogs lick humans hands because they have salt on them.

One time I allowed a dog to lick my vagina, in my childhood. I had just come out of the bath and the dog licked water off my skin. I experienced sexual energy when that happened but it wasn’t something I wanted to happen again, I had no sexual attraction to that dog. I left the situation feeling weird.

Animals also lick to express love, but they “have to” love you first. Animals learn how to “love” from their owners.

Animals are energetic beings. They communicate with energy, and if they spend time around facially expressive humans – they do learn your facial expressions too. Tintin is pretty funny.

For example, if we were smoking cigarettes in the house, Tintin would leave the room. If we were passing around a joint.. by some coincidence he’d be sitting next to the person smoking. He’d make it look like he was there cos he wanted to sit next to you – but no – he wanted the weed. He is a dog that I taught to cope with being alone. That is the only lesson I can truly teach anyone I think – how to be alone.

And I once ran for my life, too afraid to carry him – because women in Farnham were aggressively stalking me (REALLY) and I looked bad because I was pulling his lead. That moment was when I decided to “give him up” to my mother. A friend asked where he was and I said “when Tintins around, he’s God. I need to put myself first.”

So I can teach honesty too but I don’t think anyone wants me to do that. No one can humiliate me better than I can humiliate myself. No one can laugh at me louder than I can laugh at me. No one can fuck me or fuck me over better than I can fuck myself or fuck myself over. Anything you can do, I can do better.


A N I M A L S   I   H A V E   B E E N   B I T T E N   B Y
(these images are all courtesy of a google search, I didn’t take them, they are not MY images. I am using them for REFERENCE. I appreciate google more than anyone – truly – but Ecosia is better, and also I think that google should have permission before sharing information. You should not be able to buy your way to the top of a google search either. Your information might not be fully useful or accurate.)

I sexually abused some kids as a child, well, I had been sexually abused a lot as a child. So it makes sense. It’s not okay, I’m sad I did it – but I did it – and also – I’m NOT responsible for it. Allow me to explain how I personally justify this:

Firstly: When you are being taken care of by an adult, that adult is responsible for what you do. If they are responsible for your safety, they’re responsible for your actions too. This is how I regard my relationship with Tintin. If Tintin bites you, it’s me biting you. We are one mind when we are together for long enough. When he’s not hanging around with someone else, when he’s not feeling MY feelings towards a person.

In Judaism – a person is not considered an adult until they are thirteen. Jews believe that you share a mind with your teachers and your guardians – so when you accept someone as a teacher, whether you’re right to or not – or a sibling etc – whether you’re right to or not – that person is responsible for what they teach you.

I personally believe this is too young if you have not truly lived those thirteen years. The Virgin Mary married Joseph at approximately sixteen years of age. The mortality rates in that time were different to our own, sixteen was considered ‘middle aged’ – amongst some scholars. Although there are some figures in the bible who supposedly lived to be 600 years of age. This means though – that the things you do, before the age of thirteen – are your parents fault.

If you ask me – a person is an adult at thirty-five, if they have lived a HEALTHY life. By adult I mean – they are responsible for their actions. Not all adults are able to be self sufficient, for example, some adults are filtered into BDSM games where they are kept poor or unwell. Some adults are DISABLED.

So when you are no longer able to learn from humans – because they’ve abused and abused you – you have to learn from animals instead. You have to learn. We exist to grow.

THE MOSQUITO

 

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Would you believe that these are superior to humans?

Probably not. But they have appendages that can pierce human skin, they steal blood – to live, spread disease and can even use you to breed. They are parasitic because they only take. They take and take and take.

But they can do other things also: they can fly, they defy gravity – and very rarely follow instructions.

Their bites leave welts and bumps on your skin, they force you to itch your skin. You learn control when you choose not to scratch a bite from one of these.

THE HAMSTER

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This is a hamster. I had one called Taz. I named him after a cartoon character, but also I named him after an animal called the “tazmanian devil” – that I saw on an encarta software on a mac, in Dubai, as a child. The second I extracted him from his home, he bit me. HARD. I think I screamed.

They eat very very hard things – like seeds. This means their teeth are made to bite and when they bite, they hurt you. And if you want my advice – if you don’t want to see a dead hamster – learn not to throw a tiny thing like this on the ground when and if it bites you. Take the pain, let the animal bite you – let it release you – don’t encourage it to bite you if you’re the only trustworthy person that’ll be ‘handling’ it. Place it back in it’s cage DELICATELY.

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This is a cockatiel. A female one. They protect the males. They mean business when they scream/bite. They can cut you. And their claws hurt.

We had a male and a female – the birds used to have eggs in a little house

Dogs have all sorts of things growing in their mouths and once their primitive instinct is triggered – that is – once they snap – get the fuck out of their way. They are no longer responsible – their OWNER is. And if you love your dog, if you value what you’ve invested in keeping your dog alive – and you don’t want it euthanised – keep it properly restrained. If you have a SECURITY dog – like TINTIN – my chihuahua – he will snap at people that he senses want to dominate either him or me. He will always warn me about who wants to hurt me. If I ignore him, I am responsible. But he has rules –

You do not make eye contact with him without permission. He comes to YOU first.

He learned that from ME. When an animal doesn’t make eye contact with you – it is NOT – NOT an act of submission. And if it has been taught to think so, it’s owners are ABUSERS.

I know when my dog is going to bite – I can grab his face and he will LET me.

Most people do not have that relationship with animals – and I do not advise you TRY to. My cocker spaniel thought I was it’s mother, it used to sniff me as a puppy looking to feed. Gross to me then, gross to me now. But animals PICK their PEOPLE.

rottweiler_standing_facing_left

When I visited Paraguay – I was given an instruction. Just one. DO NOT OPEN THAT DOOR.

When you are given an instruction – like ‘Do NOT enter’ or a commandment like ‘THOU SHALT NOT STEAL‘ – by your teachers – and you ignore it – they are not responsible for the consequences. If you’re lucky they might come and help you, if they can – but that is rarely the case. Some rules exist to keep you safe.

In Buddhism we learn about KARMA – if you steal something, you will have something stolen from you. Karma is a Universal law – that means it cannot be enforced by physical beings. It simply is. Sometimes we choose to ignore universal laws – and the only thing that can save you then, is purity of intention. That means you have to have outgrown the lessons found in what we call sin. There are seven sins that we understand:

Pride, Envy, Lust, Wrath, Gluttony, Sloth and Greed.

These are sins amongst the wealthy and the poor.

Pride isn’t ‘wrong’ if it is accompanied by genuine Humility.

Envy isn’t ‘wrong’ if it is accompanied by genuine Humility and Honesty and also the desire to learn how to overcome it. And the ability to listen to people who tell you it is wrong.

Lust isn’t ‘wrong’ if it is accompanied by genuine Humility, and also the capacity for all kinds of true LOVE. Because when you have learned love in all it’s forms, love overpowers ‘lust’.

Wrath isn’t ‘wrong’ if it is accompanied by genuine Humility and the capacity for ‘love’, that is, when you seek revenge out of ‘love’ – or punish out of ‘love’. ‘Love’ that is not confused for ‘LUST’. And not ever accompanied by desires that come from ‘ENVY’.

Gluttony isn’t ‘wrong’ if it is accompanied by genuine Humility. If you stuff your body full of sweets – you’ll be ill. Gluttony is a form of theft that causes your body HARM.

Sloth isn’t ‘wrong’ if you are disabled.

Greed – isn’t wrong if it is accompanied by genuine Humility. Why must you have so much? Someone has paid for everything you have – whether it is energy, a home etc. Some people have everything that they value stolen from them. When you meet with someone who has stolen from you – whether it is space, privacy, dignity (which is not to be confused with PRIDE) – when you punish them, it is not wrath. It is sparing them from a worser karma. Sometimes – not often – wrath is pure kindness, if it comes from a place of LOVE.

If you believe that ‘God’ energy is felt when you truly ‘Love’, even when you sin – and we ALL sin sometimes, in some form – because we function on many vibrational levels of being – the only way to overcome feelings of guilt (which can make you go insane – and no amount of ‘acting’ can conceal guilt. It always comes out in the end. And sometimes you learn – through -) honesty and humility and the ability to communicate from your heart that you are not perfect but that you aspire to perfection and that sometimes you have chosen the wrong teachers, the wrong parents, the wrong guides even.


I was taken to the kitchen where I could see a maid feeding the dog RAW MEAT.

When you feed a dog a diet of raw meat, you teach it to LIKE the taste of blood – to LIKE the taste of flesh. So when they bite a person they percieve to be a threat to either you or them, they’re not just biting – they might as well be eating too.

There was a very, very, very frightening security dog on the other side of it. In Paraguay, they need very intimidating dogs on the grounds. The police in Paraguay do not protect you and citizens do not expect them to either.

I opened the door, and the second I did, I saw one of those dogs running towards me. I had about 0.3 seconds to notice I was gonna get killed if I didn’t run. No time to call for grandma, no time to call someone for help. These animals move fast and they’re not like people – you can’t say “IM A FRIEND” – if they don’t know you – you are NOT a friend.

I turned and I ran – for my LIFE – and jumped on top of a JEEP. And when the maid came out to send the dog back to it’s ‘bedroom’ (an outhouse kind of area) there was no sympathy. No one cared.

T H E   H O R S E

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I’ve been stepped on by a horse. My fault. Look at their eyes – they’re not looking at the ground. They look AHEAD. And you do not approach these animals from the front – you approach them from the SIDE. And they should come to you first – horses that have not been abused will pick YOU.

Before you learn how to ride a horse, you learn how to properly FALL off one.

I learned this from the horse: “STAY OUT OF MY WAY, IT’S NOT MY FAULT IF I HURT YOU”

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This is a Warthog. I offered one FOOD – kept a respectful distance and got confronted by one. I had to jump into a HUT. I’m not going to tell you how to fight an animal, first you have to learn when it’s right to RUN.

Don’t pick a fight with an animal that shits all over the people that “love” it – they’ll do it to you too. Unless you’ve been through worse and you’re not afraid of a fight. But if you don’t know how to lose, you’re not going to learn anything from winning.

We exist to LEARN. To GROW. That means we teach our teachers, and they teach us too. Animals are beings that have evolved without the aid of weapons, houses and often without mummies, daddies and servants to protect us.

A society that needs a ‘police force’ to resolve it’s minor disputes – a person stealing when they don’t need to (If you steal to survive for example – it’s very different to stealing just because you can) is a very, very weak one.

Not that you can – but ask a little wolf that steals the position of an alpha fe/male how much pressure it’s under.

T H E   H U M A N

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This guys proudest achievement is apparently being able to grow a very strong social media network. Proud of you, guy. If there’s anyone you can trust, it’s someone with “a lot of friends”.

Actually, doctors agree to OATHS – that means that they are not allowed to differentiate between one person or another when it comes to offering medical service. I was raped at about three/four years old by a doctor. Do not let doctors wheel your kids out of the room, do not leave your child unattended with one of these – whether it’s for a procedure or a surgery.

These are people who can rape your kids and make sure you don’t find out.


There is a being that even GOD bullied.

That God allowed to be bullied – and it is in the bible. It is in every religion.

And that is Lucifer.

And that is why I have chosen to share a body with Lucifer, why I sold my soul. Because when I felt completely alone, when I gave up because I couldn’t take being bullied anymore – I accepted ‘God’s not helping me here’ and I chose Lucifer. And my life got harder for awhile, but also much better.


Lucifer – intending to protect Eve from rape – occupied a snake to help her understand that the sex act can be pleasurable. Lucifer ignored Lilith – who shared a karma with Lucifer (being abandoned – for whatever reasons.)

The Snake took Lucifer’s pains too – because the nasty things we do, for whatever reasons, are things that have been done to us. Someone takes our pain. When we choose to fight back, every loss will be channelled to our victim. I have lived a life of constantly losing – everything I wanted was taken away from me. Every person I loved was stolen from me or pit against me. Every promise ever made to me was broken.

That becomes a karma of its own. That means that what I experienced in this life was a result of many lives where I had been killed before I was given what belonged to me.

I spent months meditating in Denmark – all I thought about was having wings and learning how to fly. Not because I wanted wings, or to fly, but because I was visualising what might’ve been the biggest lecture that God has ever been given. I never said there was no such thing as God, I only ever said that I felt ANGRY towards God. And there was nothing that could be unjustified in or about that anger. I was angry because I felt that Lucifer had been bullied.

As a child, when I was ill in bed – I’d have dreams where Lucifer would come to me and make me laugh. I never got visited by God. I had a dream about God once – and God told me to write a book about it for children. I didn’t think that what I made was good enough and I never finished it. Now I don’t remember it.

I wanted to write a graphic novel about twin flames, and my chosen twin flames were GOD and LUCIFER. Your twinflame is your most elevated point of growth – the person who has the most to teach you. I haven’t started writing for this graphic novel, I haven’t finished it – at some point in Denmark I came across one of the most beautiful women I’d ever seen. She was lucky, she was really thin and pretty and had a family who loved her a lot. She was a talented artist and she had a nice voice. I had nothing nasty to think of her nor say about her and she found little ways to treat me like shit, always making herself look better than me. I found an artist that I could afford to help me with my graphic novel and she very kindly belittled them. I ended up not doing my graphic novel as I’d have liked to – but actually that’s worked out for the best, because I realised I had the characters understood all wrong. People in that friend group were in my subconscious and they were trying to leak into the narrative and it had nothing at all to do with them.

I’m growing wings because I’ve evolved out of being a human. And if I don’t like my wings, I can be transferred into another body. And could you blame me? But what would your Planet do without me now? I’ve toilet trained you, I’ve taught you to appreciate art, I’ve helped you out of embarrassment by being the most embarrassing, I’ve forgiven your rapist/stalkery/thieving children

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