I shan’t explain why, trust me or do not

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Here’s what I think about friendship –

DON’T FUCKING BOTHER.

Here’s what I think about dating –

DON’T FUCKING BOTHER.

Here’s what I think about masturbation –

DON’T FUCKING BOTHER.

If your parents had a shit marriage, you’ll have one too unless you’re prepared to do and discuss everything with the person you’re “pursuing”. Go to school and ‘change your consciousness’. Don’t love a rapist unconditionally. Don’t pretend someone’s a rapist or a sex criminal if they’re not one, that comes back to bite you. Especially if you go looking for someone to protect you and they do – and it turns out that someone got hurt because of your lies.

Don’t love ANYONE unconditionally if you don’t love yourself unconditionally first.

My mother was hit on by Roman Polanski at a party. Is what I was told. She was sixteen. My grandmother is an old fashioned kinda gal that believed that sixteen was a good time to get married. My mother was a manipulative bitch who told a lie about the whole thing. The kind to say anything to get you to protect her. “Pretty unhinged” was how anyone who met her in her youth would’ve described her.

I am the only family member my family knows that can shut that woman up when she becomes a beast. And she does. Borderline personality disorder has nothing on my mother’s issues. I used to get confused as having borderline personality disorder but people often forget that sometimes if you’re raised by a single mother with borderline personality disorder, a ‘father’ who used to make her jealous to get her attention, an autistic brother who has memories of being beaten with a belt on his legs (that my mother doesn’t remember at all) and a sister who compulsively lies to people so they love her and most of all HATE me – you kinda don’t want to be fucked with. You do not want people to piss you off because you’ve had enough of a hard time. You could destroy most people verbally or otherwise (I piss people off if I look good – I mean if I look good on a day when everyone else doesn’t they want my blood) – and you pity any weakness you perceive in them so much that you genuinely prefer to avoid them.

Boys my age either abuse me if I fall in love with them or I accidentally abuse them.

I mean, I told a REALLY HOT guy that was a ‘fat child’ (SAME BTW) – “you want what you can’t have” and I was legitimately flirting with him. He was SO hurt that he walked off  from a party and I think he cried about it as he cycled home.

I am so desensitised that I don’t even blame him for roofying me. Someone had to explain “you emasculated him”. Poor dude. (I am laughing as I type this.)

So…

When I was younger I was pretty interested in the ‘lolita complex’ – I was repelled by boys who were younger than me. At University, I came across a guy who literally looked like he had walked out of my dreams, and the second I realised he was nineteen (I was nearly twenty one) I said “he is too young.”

A girl who was jealous of me, was stalking me online and saw two jokes I’d made – one about ‘pedobear’ (After a deeeeply traumatic abortion in which I saw protestors holding up signs, wrote an ‘incase i die’ letter to my mother who had no idea I was having surgery, I started physically burning the second the anaesthetic went into my hand – I hadn’t told anyone about that surgery except for one of the guys I’d had sex with (it takes three at least and you’ve gotta be really ‘in love’ – a brain chemical – with at least one of them) and two female “friends” (one was residing in Northern Ireland – one was in London and supposed to meet up with me on the morning of the surgery to accompany me – but she didn’t because she was STONED) – I had to WALK most of the way to a bus that was pretty far away from the clinic because they can’t call you a taxi if you’re still under anaesthetic. Fortunately I am pretty great on drugs because I used to take a lot of strong prescription painkillers as a child and I got home safely and happily. Not really happily – but if you can imagine the kind of anxiety one experiences when they’re panicking that they might get ‘told off’ (read: ABUSED) for being pregnant because their ‘born again and spirit filled’ christian mother didn’t allow for dialogue about sex in her home – anything would make you feel relief. A counsellor/social worker once told my mother that she should have me stand in a corner with my arms in the air when I demanded cake, at three years old. She throughout my life, have weird arguments with me – send me to ‘the corner’ and fall asleep for hours (borderline personality disorder makes women very sleepy) while I tried to work out ‘why i was rude’. And send me back numerous times if I offered her what she understood to be an ‘excuse’.

Again, it HAS to be funny to me or I will cry for hours and I find that quite tedious cos I know people have it worse.

ANYWAY. LOLITA COMPLEX. DATING OLD MENZ

COS I CANT BE WITH PEOPLE MY OWN AGE. THEY’RE PSYCHOS. AND THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND THAT I AM A BIGGER PSYCHO. AND SOME OF THEM COMPETE.

I LET YOU BE THE BIGGER PSYCHO FIRST SO I KNOW WHAT IM DEALING WITH. I HAVE TO. I GREW UP WITH AN AUTISTIC DRUG ADDICT GENIUS WHO WENT TO MILITARY SCHOOL AND GOT EXPELLED FROM EVERY SCHOOL HE WENT TO – AND A SISTER THAT COMPULSIVELY LIED, MANIPULATED AND FLIRTED TO GET EVERYTHING SHE WANTED.

AND YOU TRY TO PLAY THE JEALOUSY GAME WITH ME AND YOU’LL LOSE – EVERYONE LOVED THEM. NO ONE LOVED ME. EXCEPT MY MOTHER, WHEN SHE WASN’T ASLEEP.

I laughed at the Madonna tumblr thing, where she said that she was really tough because no one loved her and it didn’t ‘destroy’ her. Like I think I called it a ‘white girl problem’. Which I maintain, it is.

I went on a walk about a week after that abortion – and saw two year olds playing football. Like in a movie, when shit happens and it can’t get worse – but it gets worse.

Watching those two year olds play football would become a huge insult later in my life when my sister was gangraped by a football team. They knew that she and I hate each other but they didn’t know that it would trigger my psycho. It did. Barclays bank – my bank – no longer sponsor football matches. My temper and my big mouth and my bitch literally embarrassed them out of associating with football – cos my sister sure as hell wasn’t the first person to get gang raped by footballers. She had been dating an eighteen year old at the time, someone far younger than her.

Don’t go all pedobrigade on her, she is mentally a fucking child.

omg ok so my story. SO I was sitting on a bench, like that Keanu Reeves meme – cos I was in pain and I was bleeding and the only way I could cope with it was to get on my phone and tweet ‘casually sitting and watching 2 year olds playing football #pedobear’. As in I felt very weird watching kids play football. Not that I could see them all that well, my eyesight is terrible and an old “friend” had borrowed some nice glasses of mine and I didn’t feel right asking for them back. (I got replacement glasses when I visited Syria, some time after that.)

I was just sitting there: in absolute pain of every kind and watching these women with their midgets – playing football. Football is rape culture – footballers ‘own’ the magazines that publish shit about their wives bodies and basically pay for their wives to think they’re celebrities. Also, one of the guys that knocked me up later turned out to be a rapist. Haha.

Another joke I made was about ‘chibi trunks’ – chibis are a form of midget anime that people confuse for children. This is a chibi human. I said that Chibi Trunks would be ‘well endowed’. Someone who did not understand anime responded to that by telling people I was a pedophile. Nice work.
(Actually that is offensive to the Japanese, who have a totally different approach to sexuality – there are vending machines that sell genuine ‘school girl pants’ on the streets, there is ‘school girl anime’. Britney Spears was sixteen or so when she released that song about loneliness killing her.)

If you’re a teenager and you’re set on dating an older guy, don’t go around telling people he’s a pedophile when it’s done. I fancied Johnny Depp as a teenager and would definitely have dated him if I had the chance. (I wouldn’t now, we’d have nothing to talk about)

And my grandmother wanted me to date Leonardo Dicaprio when I was like, ten. Not as in – date him at eleven – she wanted me to date him when I was sixteen. It didn’t happen and I am still obviously extremely hurt about it but y’know, life sucks like that and he isn’t pretty to me anymore. He’s all manly and tough and crawling out of bear carcasses. I liked him effeminate. At ten years old.

Girls that appear in the most fucked up pornography imaginable are EIGHTEEN.

I can’t even look at most 23 year olds and think “hot”. The kind of under twenty eight year old (STILL too young but not necessarily) that I can be attracted to, has to be someone who is as fucked up as I am.

You want details? okay

I can’t date the kind of pussy that would call the police on me for throwing his shoes out of the window.

I dated a guy who was cheating on me compulsively – with my “FRIENDS”. People who later realised they only found him attractive physically because I sort of did. I cannot remember ONE conversation that I had with him because I was in so much physical and emotional pain from my life, that I was stoned all the time. I could go to one of those countries that practice Euthanasia, tell them my life story and have a pretty good chance of being put on the top of their waiting list if I pushed it. Or I could photograph the kind of shits I take and say “I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE.”

Don’t pretend to worry, I wouldn’t. But yes:

I threw his shoes out of the window and he pushed me onto the ground. I protected him from what would’ve gotten him into more trouble than what he contacted the police over. One time he punched me so much that if I hadn’t of been literally numb to pain (I had bruises that were seen by a friend of ours) I might’ve been quite hurt.

He invited literally a GANG of police into my flat – that I’d been paying rent for – and it lead to a series of events that I wouldn’t care if he killed himself for having a part to play in putting me through.

I can’t be with a guy like that. I can be with a guy who has a history of domestic violence because I’m the kind of person who can laugh if a guy punches them and also I’m the kind of person who would get revenge. Even if it was embarrassing the fuck out of them publicly. I am also numb to embarrassment because I mean. Y’know. Who hasn’t heard about my toilet problems.

anyway – I like an old dood. Neither of us would call the police on each other and both of us are great at revenge and the conversation is never boring and after the last two boyfriends I had who were physiologically incapable of not boring me into a coma or actual rage – (and I am patient – ‘shoe’ guy – took hours to complete sentences. SOBER) have put me off guys forever. He can’t do better, I can’t do better either.

Don’t try and ruin my life when I start being happy again – I’ll embarrass you for it.

 

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