T O O Y O U N G

Too young is a difficult neg, isn’t it. It’s something you can’t change. I’ve not dated a lot of guys because I thought they looked ‘too young’ or worse – they acted ‘too young’.

Yesterday I did a reading for someone that sort of likes me but isn’t that bothered by the fact (hes a slut, sluts sort of like everyone – especially if they’re sort of not interested either) and actually he quite likes someone else (I’m not bothered, I’m jealously inclined but not about you. That works ONCE.) and she’s not interested in him because she likes “grown men”. He is like, forty? thirty eight? Iunno. I think it was difficult for him to comprehend because hes a lot older than she is.

So I’ll give an example of what it means when someone says “youre too young” (when men say it, it usually has something to do with how tidy a woman is, how responsible she is, how together she is) (the kind of guy to call a woman too young also generally prefers that she is less-together than he is, his ego needs that) (he’s sensitive to women that make him feel guilty about himself and he mistreats women that make him feel like he’s amazing and overlooks women that don’t give a fuck at all although those are the ones he’s best suited to) (not that he’d know because he ruins every relationship by fucking someone within 24 hours of meeting them)

My spiritual teacher said that MY first impression (not yours, MINE – maybe yours is too, but I doubt it) of a person is always accurate.

I had a huge crush on a guy when I first met him, at Uni. He was one of tho0ose crushes i get – where i tell everyone without the least bit of embarrassment, accompanied by some excuse as to why we wouldn’t of worked. I used to say he was too young. Like the first time we met I stared at him and went mute because I was completely besotted, but I was very firm about not pursuing him.

Apparently he found the fact that I thought he was too young was quite offensive (he was nineteen and I was twenty) but I was right.
He was kinda doing the hippie-punk thing and he once complained about the fact that Disney perpetuated gender “roles” and stereotypes (hot, right? when you’re a feminist who has a crush on someone, thats cute right?) Actually it’s not. I love Disney films and if as a child you are too ignorant to be able to enjoy those narrative-cliches as something of the past that the majority of adults have not grown out of at all – perhaps focus instead on the notion of archetypes without acknowledging gender at all – you’ll maybe be “hot” to a feminist. Maybe. If feminists are your thing.

Anyway, we bumped into each other a few years after that by some coincidence and I started speaking to him again. He wasn’t wearing his baggy vintage german military jacket but he was wearing a weird grey jumper that I kinda liked. I was running back to my flat, from work. A female friend of mine was hanging out with my boyfriend while I was at work and it was giving me anxiety (I ran up to my room to find them on my bed together, haha)

He once told me that I was “aphrodite” which was quite cute. If only because I had a tarot deck I’d been given by the aforementioned spiritual teacher that contained a card with an image of  the god pan on, looking exactly as that guy did at the time. It was pretty strange. It was this masculine illustration of a god surrounded by flowers and his eyes were closed and there was a rose in his hand with the word “sexuality” beneath it. Quite a Disney fantasy.

Anyway. For all the lovely talk, he negged me back. He insulted my feet (telling me I need to wear slippers) and then he negged my battered moccasins – asking if I was really leaving the house in them – then created some “subtle” comparison between my breasts and discovery channel breasts – alluding, of course, to the fact that there are stretchmarks on my breasts. Do you know why I had battered shoes? Because I was spending my cash on myself and the ex I was living with, to live. That’s what I believe cash is for, you and whoever you’re calling family. I kept another person alive with what was really my own pocket money (he was cheating on me and treating me like crap in his own little way from day one – and do you know – he’s the one people rushed to defend when I got angry!)

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Do you want to know something weird? If your body isn’t symmetrical – of course if it was completely symmetrical it’d be weirder – but if your body isn’t symmetrical (my areola are two different sizes) it’s because one half of your body is different internally to the other. Years ago an NHS doctor was feeling up my ovary – I was about seven years old – and I was there for a FLU – and then years later I was asked telepathically if I’d be interested in “populating the planet”. And after that woman touched my ovary I would periodically feel something (I still do) painfully pulling something out of my ovary – pulled forwards out of my body. So imagine someone putting their hand into one of your ovaries and taking something out. Thats how it feels. It’s PAINFUL.

Has anyone told you lately how difficult it is for couples to get pregnant? That’s because no one understands the in love vibration, or the fact that it takes THREE to get pregnant. Which means that when you’re male and you fuck someone you love, and get them pregnant, if you’re thinking about another person – THAT PERSON GETS PREGNANT TOO.

You do not have to believe me. It’s probably for the best that you don’t, actually. You know when those icons who have had mysterious deaths or been victims of murder – it’s because they were trying to tell the truth.

Actually a lot of people could’ve been killed trying to write some of the stuff I’ve blogged about. A lot of people get put in psychiatric wards, like rape – I think psychiatric wards are worse than death. Even the “nice” ones with real plants, and the ones with brilliantly clean bathtubs or showering facilities.

I love Tori Amos. There’s some video on the internet where Tori introduces Maynard (he’s in Tool/A perfect circle – he wrote songs for Bowie) – he’s a male version of me! Anddddddd she says that when she can’t sleep she calls him up and he sings her lullabies.

All the good-voice went to Maynard I think

Here are some things Maynard and Amos have in common.

They both at points in their lives used recreational hallucinogenics – which as we know – take you to another level of consciousness. A better word for consciousness is understanding. Most people’s level of understanding, even people who access astral, issss situated somewhere between 2D and 3D. People who are obsessed with six are usually at a 1 Dimensional point of understanding. “One track minds”. 1 Dimensional people – think Freud was revolutionary (he wasn’t – at all) and that there’s some kind of sexual undertone to absolutely everything, from interacting with your birth-mother (the academic ones like to poeticise the notion with the Greek myths) to not making eyecontact with your dad.
Really the next phase of psychiatry is all spiritual – which essentially means every psychiatrist I’ve personally met’s job is mostly redundant. It’s taken me a whole life (twenty eight years) of honestly mostly solitude, not realising I was meditating all the time and developing through FEMALE spiritual teachers to know what I know, and whether it’s admitted in the next five years or not – there have been terrifying breakthroughs in psychiatry as a direct result of me, the conversations I’ve had, the things I’ve proven. It’s a sadly void medical practice if you aren’t spiritual and a lot of important people (like, people who are key to our evolution) are rotting away in wards.

It’s important to say. A lot of adults do the thing that kids do – pretend to have known things they’ve learned from you ‘all along’. Don’t do that, learn to say “thanks, I didn’t know that.” or “you’ve helped me make sense of life experiences” or “wow so my entire life is a lie”

This is what happens if you share energy with someone who suffers with a hormonal imbalance, which includes pregnancy.

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the thing is that boys will use a lot of dirty tricks to subjugate you and insulting your body is one of them. A good way for me to get over my personal insecurities was to find women on sites like SuicideGirls and GodsGirls etc – that had been photographed naked – or who used their blogs to talk about their personal lives and their difficulties with their bodies. Women have really, really been damaged.
Actually – a few psychiatrists did it to me too. They actually quite enjoy – in my experience – detailing things you might’ve said when you weren’t acting like other human beings do. Really only to embarrass you. That’s the genuine motivation. And why would someone want to embarrass you? To control you.

The-rapist. Most people aren’t conscious of their doing it, so if you’re strong, perhaps ask with politeness and sincerity “why do you need me to confirm doing something that one of your staff documented my having done? whats the motivation here?”

and they’ll rush to justify themselves, perhaps as if to suggest they want to see if you were lucid enough to remember what you’d DONE. You NAUGHTY, CRAZY PERSON with a fantastic mind.

That which is likened to itself is drawn – if you deal with psychiatrists, try to remember that however well they might look – they’re probably much more fucked up than you are chemically. And “mental illness” is contagious.

And don’t worry – everyone will experience what we did. And isn’t it nice that when they do, there’ll have been people like us.

Here’s the most important thing you can learn: Control your emotions. Not cut-them-off (that is – honestly – stupid) – just learn to control them. Learn not to cry to manipulate.

Here’s a fun one – if you’re a cutter – and you’re experience a real soul hurt – do NOTHING. GO TO SLEEP. Listen to some music and let the emotions tense up and then fall the fuck asleep. You’ll wake up and it’ll be as though the Planet knew what you were feeling. Emotions are energy to be released.


I used to joke about my vagina being an “outy” (also it’s sensitive – I cannot make contact with condoms/latex/weird fabrics without swelling up) and a girl, younger than me, told me that it’s actually really fucked up because most women don’t insult men’s penises and quite the opposite is true when it comes to women’s bodies. Men say all sorts of shit about women’s bodies. I let a guy shave my pubic hair once after I had a shower – he like, shaved a bit off – it was wet, so it formed a clump and he just threw it onto the bathtop surface and grimaced with legit repulsion and then noticed I had an outie.
I laughed but actually if that had happened when I was younger I’d of maybe died inside.

I’ve given a lot of guys blow jobs (including that guy) that didn’t dry properly after coming out of the shower and they smelled a little. (by the way – if you “Smell” it’s because you didn’t dry properly with a towel. that’s it. You don’t have a smell, you don’t have a weird chemical imbalance in your genitals. You are just lazy with a towel.)

I didn’t say anything because the idea of making someone feel uncomfortable like that is awful, to me. But – a lot of people get their sense of self from belittling other people or making them feel less than their worth. Or exerting a strange sense of authority over them through body language or being a little bit pushy. I mean it might’ve been premature at the time to say “I’M LEGIT PSYCHIC” but I ought to have done. Here is every guy I’ve been interested in, summed up

tooooooo young

Even the over 35s.

There was a girl in a secondary school I went to – that my then-bestfriend and I were kinda nasty about – she had a lot of visible body hair and an unflattering name. Names can be changed (I can’t save you on that one) and body hair can be lasered off. (I wax – I’m not sure I like not having some hair on my body)

I’ve actually never – since – sincerely, soberly insulted anyone’s body unless they were bullying a friend. Now I just don’t bother with friends, especially friends who can’t stick up for themselves. There comes a point in the friendship dynamic, for me (as a person who is constantly trying to grow and alter her own perspectives) where I can no longer accommodate to whatever impression the “friend” might’ve expected me to and it results in a conflict. If your family did BIG arguments, your friends in earlier life probably also do BIG arguments.

Sometimes I think I put a girl in a psychiatric ward once, or that to some extent she blames me for it. Cos I made fun of her weight, after she started publicly bullying a girl I was friends with – over some guy. The in-thing on myspace used to be passive aggression – so you’d make some kind of bulletin post about your day and it’d be indirectly directed at very specific people. I’m not good at subtlety as you probably know, so if I was being mean to someone – even in the absence of their name, they’d know.

Years later I saw a blog she had, where she’d talk about psychiatric wards and her mental illness – and there was a paragraph in it about what I’d said about how she looked. I felt fully responsible for every bad thing that had happened to her and I sent her an email to apologise for what was a one or two sentence comment I’d made at fifteen.
She didn’t accept the apology, which was within her right – nor did she remember what she’d done to my friend.
I implied that this girl was fat, after she insulted my then-best friends nose. She was a nasty overweight girl with one of the most beautiful faces you’ve ever seen. My choice to apologise changed nothing, and she was still overweight – a lot bigger than she’d ever been as a teenager. She still refused to change. Most people are like that. Shes “big” now, because she’s on psych meds – that destroy your self esteem more than any kind of bullying.

She shouldn’t be on meds – she’s not ill. I was in a non-physical relationship with Drake for a few months and one time during that she posted a tweet saying she was sure she’d fallen asleep being cuddled by him. That really happened. One time I did acid, rang a friend and said I thought I’d bitten off my tongue and although my door was locked he was sitting at the foot of my bed – non physically. It’s hard – how do you tell someone “I can walk you through what you’ve been told is insanity at what might’ve cost you thousands of pounds in breakthroughs with psychiatrists – but first you owe me a huge – HUGE apology, because I don’t really want to do that.” (The apology is for talking about me behind my back before I ever got nasty, for telling secrets I trusted you with – not because you had a non-physical thing with Drake.)

Drake is basically Craig David. Trust me.

Here’s something I’d say to a lot of people who have made a good piece of art that is the kind of good that lasts for all time.

MOVE ON TO ANOTHER THING.
If you have made a Hybrid Theory album – make a Hybrid Theory level movie – make a Hybrid Theory level interactive art gallery slash planetarium.

Making fun of something that someone can’t fix without surgery is quite different to being called overweight. And sometimes you need to work out why it’s there before you use it as an insult.

Like my feet, like the stretchmarks on my breasts

But that girl is REALLY strong as a person and that kind of strength doesn’t happen without being treated the way I treated her, that one time that she insulted my friends physical appearance.

It’s weird – there was a time I could destroy people for years, with one liners – that’s a gift that’s moved off somewhere. It’s not so in-me anymore


A large part of going to University is that you leave your family behind, and they are replaced by people who fill the voids your family life has left. They pick up on where the karma left off.
If you’re into starsigns or personality types or numerology or anything that offers clues to a person’s real self, you’ll often soon be able to identify what karma you’re reliving when you get to know a person and invite them into your life.

Isn’t it weird how this singer looks like Khloe Kardashian? Cleopatra?????

It weirds me out that Tairrie B was ever considered overweight.
(I guess she’s your queen beeee, or do you only like rap/grime music now?)

Here is me encouraging healthy narcissism – the only person who needs to love or be in love with you is you. If you think you’re beautiful it doesn’t matter what you look like or the unkind things people say or think about you.

It’s awesome that I got to grow up spending weekends getting drunk underage, around a bunch of kids who didn’t “fit in” with the boring people and who thought being cool was having the confidence to listen to really weird music or wear really strange clothes and strange make up and that when the girls I knew then, weren’t competing over the six or so boys in what might’ve been the WHOLE of London who had the guts to wear make up in public (that was what we were into, probably still is?) they were competing over who was the most unique.

No one is all that obsessed with the idea of being unique anymore because of TV shows that repeat storylines, because everyone wants to imitate the same style icons. It’s weird cos on Myspace, everyone was some kind of model and it was fully normal to aspire to be a piece of art – you could customise your profile and fully choose how to present yourself. That “likes” culture actually meant something because people generally only ever saw your new photos if they were really interesting.
Whereas Facebook encouraged this really boring aesthetic – where you had to look accidentally hot. Iunno, everything is a mess

Hey, I only started “dressing normally” because that felt like the “alternative” thing to do. If I’d of known how boring that would make all of you, I wouldn’t of done that. Do you know the kind of confidence it takes to be a person who doesn’t actually want to look like anyone else?

Mark Ronson’s “Versions” album is quite fun. Basically picture 12 apples.

Those 12 apples represent the soul.

Now imagine those apples split into many, many fragments – and people eating those fragments.

It’s down to personal opinion but I find that the soul isn’t as valuable as the spirit. But that’s my experience in life. I prefer the thing in a person that is unique to them, I’m not so interested in our past lives because when it comes down to it, a lot of my past lives didn’t have a great time coexisting with their soulgroup.

Essentially the karma connected to my soul was that I was constantly robbed of my purpose. So – imagine that there is a person who is flown over from some distant land to do a serious and important job, like running the Planet – and the rest of the Planet don’t like it all that much so they kill that person, somehow.

Every human body carries a slice of one of those 12 apples – that are our soul split many times over, carry similar karmic cycles but we choose families that have different ways of overcoming those. I can still find fragments of that mean chubby girl (honestly the prettiest face and body you’ve ever seen – STILL CHUBBY – still the prettiest thing) because they all still dress how she did when she was a teenager. You like sparkly things, pretty and expensive luxury food items, timbaland boots (all shoes matter), fishnets, denim, reaaaally good stripper-perfection lighting, the fancier-side-of-scummy erotic aesthetic (basically nude heroin chic shot by like, Tom Ford or something) and either very effeminate or very mean boys. That is the spectrum. Both are preferred. You like girls too but you stop liking them when there’s a boy involved and you never seem to think “is he quietly pitting us against one another to break up our friendship?”

It’s weird that people don’t even know how “old” their looks are. One day if I find your insta again I might go on a massive hunt for all the other versions of you and be like “YOUR LOOK HAS BEEN DONE. HERE IS YOUR ORIGINAL. FIND A NEW ONE. YOU ARE ALL ABOUT LOOKS AND YOU’RE ALL DOING THE SAME ONE RIGHT NOW.”

Oh – and you’re into rap because I used to like to write MSN poetry. I will take credit for it and you’ll read this and think “yeahhh you’re right” and then I’ll say “Do you know annaliese became friends with wesley eisold because of you?” and I’ll say “Do you know you can speak to animals if you think of the pharoah Cleopatra?” and I’ll say “23? 2 + 3 = 5” and you’ll say “whats 5?” (pretending you aren’t into numerology to see what I think) and I’ll say “5s are into girls that look like art pieces” and you’ll go quiet and think I’m being insulting and then I’ll say “5s like girls with massive tits that are into dress up, BDSM role play and posh dirty talk” and you’ll say “right. where do i locate a 5?”

And I’ll say “take a perfectly packed picnic for one (with extras) in a cute hamper, a joint (just one – a really packed one so they smell it), a note book + pen and a non-intimidating reading book to a skate park” (you maybe will have to do this two or three times with some consistency as to time and day – 5s are all about their time table)

And then maybe she’ll do that and it’ll work for a few years if she treats them like her baby brother and keeps all her kinky stuff out in her room – as decorative pieces. I can’t stress enough – DO NOT WEAR THE KINKY STUFF OR DO THE KINKY STUFF IN FRONT OF THE 5. A LARGE PART OF ENGAGING WITH 5S IS THAT THEY KNOW YOU’RE INTO STUFF BUT WOULD NEVER HAVE THE GUTS TO DISCUSS IT WITH YOU. Obviously have a beautifully curated blog or zine or something with naked photos of you in them, do not discuss them. Act quite weirded out, offended or alarmed if he brings them up. They need lots of consistency and for you to do the same thing. Try to feign some kind of incompetency so they feel needed – pretend to be bad at cooking – but make sure you watch their every move while they cook cos’ not watching boys when they cook has often (for me) resulted in them thinking it was okay to lace the food with crushed roofies (oh I over salted this one) or even sneakily ejaculate in it.

She’ll come back and say “I um, I tried 5’s, was what you meant was 5’s are “mummy issues”?” and I’ll reply “oh, oh yeah! yeeeeeeah I get (as in I understand – not LIKE) them cos my closest male friends have always been 5s.” and she’ll say “I like the whole scummy posh thing but otherwise they’re kinda boring. Like, they’re definitely more tolerable before you start having sex with them.” and I’ll say “I wouldn’t know.” She’ll show me her 5 and he’ll be some muscular model whose profile photos on social media got good because of her, and tell me that women started flocking to him because of her and I’ll say “yes that does happen.”

Then she’ll say “but we never bothered getting married. It’s good for a year, then it’s really comfortable for a year, then it’s like – ‘I am WAY too hot to waste my life with one guy!”

I’ll say “true. skip a six, try a 7, then.”

“What are sixes though?” She’d ask

And I’d say “well technically after you do a relationship with a super hottie, you get a six.” (I am technically a six)

“six is associated with death in the bible” (there’s nothing she can’t discuss)

and I’d say “Yes… and there are two kinds of death – there’s physical death and ego death. Sixes will ego-death you without trying and if it doesn’t work they’ll probably eventually try killing you physically. somehow” (It’s an either or karma. really.)

and she’d be like “oh wait I might actually be into that”

and I’d say “no, you’re definitely not. the only people sixes can date are twos (cheats) sixes (evil) and sevens (WEIRD AS FUCK). go for a seven”

she’d say “what are seven’s like?”

and i’d say “Most people think they’re really eccentric or weird. I’d say they’re MAGICAL and a little bit gay. They fall in love with everyone and it’s quite a disaster, so they need an evil protective friend to adopt and/or love unconditionally. In exchange the evil friend has to be their secret keeper and general pet squishy.
The perks are that if you ever actually convince them to have a threesome they might actually let you keep the tag along (just make them think it was their idea) and it’s never all that difficult to make them jealous – and their idea of a good time involves photographing people (which you’d love cos you’d be an amazing model, which is their type, and there’s a gap, since Crystal Renn) and photographing food (more than eating food, which is also one of their hobbies) and dressing up, to go out like once a month or so. Because most of them are introverts and prefer to be at home.


Speaking of models, check out all of these iconographic portraits of women emulating Venus

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(The above is by David Lachapelle)

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(The above is Botticelli)

ANOTHER THING MEN LIKE TO DO. This is important. Okay so do you see how all of these renditions of Botticelli’s Venus are standing? >> images taken from this article <<

Edited to add on 29th August 2018
I like this
blackthenwhitearealliseeinmyinfancy.jpeg
Keyezua, I Am Not a Demon, Who Am I?, 2016. Courtesy of Red Hook Labs.
Taken from >>this article<<


Have you ever been in public and felt a painful pressure in your stomach – or as though you needed to pass wind? It’s a physiological response to that anxiety energy – not necessarily your anxiety. Sometimes someone else’s. It’s also a response to undesired sexual energy. Hold it in! It has nothing to do with needing to use the bathroom.

Have you ever noticed that when someone stands behind you and stares at your ass – you’re physically aware of it..? That’s another control thing. Sad. Men do it a lot to control women into feelings of embarrassment or humiliation because women are taught it’s not feminine.

Here’s something men didn’t know – and if they did it’d probably make them feel ashamed. If you have a (little, in our cases) dog, and someone tries to make you pass wind – (I was a victim to this and it was a group effort) to humiliate you … you might hold it in but your dog – quite connected to you – will end up doing it instead. Don’t test it, just don’t force your dog to hang out with people that it doesn’t like.

Every single person that Tintin was ever rude to, or bit upon meeting, ended up hurting me – or even him – in some way.

Redirect the energy using your foot. or hand. it’s a work in progress.

Oh god feet are hideous. NOT YOURS!

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