c o n s t i p a t i o n

Some women struggle with taking a shit and some kids struggle with taking a shit but more than that – men struggle with taking a shit. Some people are anorexic because they’re scared to eat for fear of taking a shit.

If you don’t know how to take a shit properly, you shouldn’t have kids. It should take about two or three minutes, maximum.

When I was little I was the kind of person who could sit with a person who had the bathroom door open while they took a dump. Later in life I learned that people are going to the toilet wrong. If you are sitting there reading a newspaper waiting for the shit to slowly come out, you are going-slow and so wrong.

The bit where your tail bone meets your ass cheeks should touch the toilet. You should spread your cheeks, too. And then you should push backwards – into the toilet seat – as you go.

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I think the idea of sharing toilets with most other human beings is disgusting – keep some dettol spray around. Don’t sit on a toilet you haven’t disinfected.

If you are the kind of person who goes regularly, don’t sit up straight – lean BACK. I learned from this video

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It does not feel intuitive or comfortable but you will go fast. Put your hands on the wall beside you and push outwards, if you can’t do that, put them on the grooves beneath the toilet bowl and pull your body downwards as you “push”. “Push” fast. If you can’t do that push something with your feet – put them out in front of you.

Straining does NOTHING.

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Also do this with your hands. Flex your hands as far back as you can.

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You shit wrong. Really.

You should not need to push that much.

Also this is going to be horrible to read – as horrible as it is to write – but SHOWER after taking a shit – and wash your hair. If you can’t shower – wash some tissue under the tap and clean with water, especially if you get constipation – because you can get tears. Also Anal Prolapse – where it “comes out” – which is mostly nothing to panic about. Have a quick shower, wash and push it back in slowly.

Small toilets > big toilets

Taking a shit is some weird and messed up human torture for people who don’t go daily.

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