One time I was pregnant and I think only my then boyfriend and a few friends knew – it wasn’t a very pleasant pregnancy and there were a lot of arguments with my mother – who I later learned was pretending she didn’t know. One time we had a really horrible argument and I went to bed – I heard footsteps and someone walked into my room and I continued to pretend to be asleep. I felt someone stroke my face. The next day I asked my mother if she had stroked my face hoping it might’ve been her first time apologising after an argument and she said no – and continued being unpleasant towards me.
I channelled Lee Alexander McQueen last night. He said to a person – a fragment of my mother – that he is one of the few people that would benefit from dying because there are things you learn in death that you cannot learn in life.
One time I went out in Ealing late at night trying to distract myself from being upset about a guy I was kind of in love with. I took photographs of a blue ballet leotard and a pink skirt at the ballet school close to my primary school, North Ealing. The backdrop the leotard and skirt were fastened to with a safety pin was brown.
Today I realised that I had taken this the day after McQueen had died, and earlier that day I had posted this photograph of me in an Alexander Mcqueen scarf that I had been given as a gift by a family member who regularly bought herself designer items.
I remember, and it is quite funny – that I learned at LCF that the colour green is sold the cheapest because fashion sale data suggests it’s the least desired colour. A year or two before I had seen a man in a green shirt and told everyone his name was “sexy man”. And he was the prettiest thing I’d ever seen. I’ve written previously – that his mother and I have the same name.
Fyi if I were a man I’d be Hugh Hefner because there is absolutely no woman I can’t get. And he died one night when my previous Twinflame pissed me off, after i posted a weird tweet saying “I’d like to make a sacrifice to the 2D Anime Gods”
I remember finding out about the death – and I ran to put on my scarf and I tied it in a bow around my throat.
Levi wears a green cape in Attack on Titan and theres some nonsense about feathers – which Anubis uses to weigh against people’s hearts.
Above that little eulogy… I posted
Here’s a funny two references in the post above. The first is a song called Mono by Courtney Love. the CD art depicts scribbles by Francis Bean of fairies and the cover – Clove as an angel.
This song came out before a trip back to Uganda. I had apparently had sex with him when I overdosed on diazepam. 11 x 5 mg tablets. The night before I’d had sex with a friend of his purposely trying to make him jealous.
55mg is a lot of diazepam to mix with alcohol and cocain and I don’t remember a thing.
I named a rooster – Juan – before all of that. I realised sexyman’s codename was John when the guy I’d had sex with to make him jealous sent over an article about how he was on deathrow. I did it without having known his name. He got put in prison and years later I got him out by tweeting like, everyone on the Planet. Thats sort of how I explained who my family are too. That twitter doesn’t exist anymore and I wish it did.
It’s important, for me to tell artists and anyone who makes something out of nothing – you’re really not telling your OWN story. You’re telling so many stories simultaneously and once you create the Art really doesn’t belong to you at all.
Where’d you put the keys girl? One time a guy at uni left his keys on the counter top of the kitchen in 77 – that girl I was friends with slept with him – too soon. She could’ve been with him if she hadn’t of done that. She knew not to sleep with someone until they’d hung out with her for two weeks, and she did anyway. If you don’t force someone to get to know you in physical, if they don’t insist on hanging out with you for two weeks – it’s going to be about sex. They’ll never know you and it’ll never be love. I made all the mistakes and told her about them in detail – she knew the script and she did it anyway. But it’s important – his keys had a green cover on them. She bitched about me to him a lot and she really shouldn’t have. He started making art with calligraphy and words when he saw and liked scribbles in my room of little sentences I liked in messy ink.
A lot of the girls that hung out with me had daddy issues (I had mummy issues and that confused a lot of the guys who “pursued” me who didn’t realise that my joking analysis of them wasn’t me projecting myself onto them but actually me understanding them.) and to an extent, due to the human nature to fill holes – I was like a weird dad to girls that had those issues. Gross, right?
Growing up was a little weird for me. I never really got to know my mother or my father and in my early infancy I thought my brother and sister were my parents. I’m a whole other ballpark to most women and that’s probably what ended up fucking up all the guys that literally had to team up to get me alone and to ruin mine.
I once sent this song to a girl I had spent years of my life babysitting non-physically and said “I feel like this is Kanye telling us off” what I meant was “this is Kanye telling you off.” I once told her that I’m her dad in another body – and that was before I really understood fragments. Sometimes your family don’t really work with you in their current bodies, for one reason or another. So you find some other person to be-that for you, so you can grow.
This girl was really “different” to me, out of any girl I had ever known. Although I realise now she’s probably my sister in another body.
The kind of person who doesn’t treat the people that really love her and care about her right.
When we were little and my mother would have her strange psychosis moments – she’d argue with my sister and the only person who ever truly defended her was me. She never thanked me or appreciated it – although I do remember one time she returned the favour. My sister was a strange influence on my karma – I had a habit in life of never finishing anything and learning to leave situations that weren’t good for me, like schools where I was bullied. She taught me to do what spiritual people refer to as “running”. So – when you know that someone is the person you’re meant to be with and you choose to leave every time you meet them in some form, it’s called “running”.
My guide Lucifer gave me a new twin flame. What is interesting is that although he’s a fragment of myself, the nature of our relationship mimics that of my sister and I.
My previous twin flame was a fragment of my mother. My future children don’t like him and I certainly don’t either. And when things came down to it, although I spent my life dreaming of running from my mother I never did. And when things came down to it, he did to me what my mother did – which was find some quiet means of abusing me and trying to convince me that it was love. I think there are some fragments that exist to teach you to be careful not to love anyone, and when love is all I really know – that means not being myself.
Before I was born my mother said to my sister that she was going to raise me “saying whatever I wanted”, she didn’t keep to that agreement.
Probably because no one had ever really stuck up for me in my life. I learned how it feels to have someone stick up for you when I was about four – my mother, brother and his friends and I were in a car and a prodigy song with terrifying laughter started playing and I felt genuine fear at this laughter. I curled up into a ball and I was wearing a nighty with an elephant on it. My brother just knew I was scared and he said “Switch the song off, she’s terrified.”
Believe it or not – men can watch your memories and hear your thoughts – they use the knowledge to create relationships with you based on your fears and in doing so try to be what you need, even stooping so low as to create scenarios that will trigger you. Men often repeat cycles of their own in doing so and I suppose that serves as their karma.
I had trusted her a lot – and she used to talk a lot about me behind my back. I got her out of a home that she hated living in and gave her a life better than the one she had been living. We were surrounded by people I hadn’t shared my life with, that for the most part knew a side of me that was their own fantasy – and she told a lot of our secrets.
At this point no one really understood why my life had turned out that way, why it was me that had to talk about things that are kept secret on this Planet. Why I had to go through insanity – why it was important for me to try and find friends to replace my “family”.
I had always wanted to be famous and for a large part of my journey in realising that my thoughts were often telepathic conversations thrown to and fro, I learned that someone had an issue with the fact that I wanted to be “famous”. When I was little I watched something called “Ballet Shoes” – and there’s a bit where these three girls agree they want their names in the “history books”.
Do you know what some famous people go through? Energetic exchanges that cause them pain. When people look into your eyes they can send you negative energy and you feel that. You can get a bad stomach etc. If someone looks at you and notices something you’re insecure about – it’ll riddle your thoughtspace with insecurity that you don’t need. They say you sell your soul for fame and you do.
Also “I” came up with an idea for a movie premise of some kind and I think someone should steal it – it’s not my movie to make.
I’d never realllyyyy known why I wanted to be “famous” but I realise now that it was a lot bigger than anyone could’ve ever imagined and it had nothing to do with the list of reasons I might’ve been forced to think when people were too cowardly to admit that they were talking to me telepathically cos they were too fucking scared to address me to my face.
Have you ever read about Candy Jones? She was an MK Ultra experiment. There are some people whose eyes you can look into and see their memories and it had to take a person like that to be able to prove the truth. Yes being famous would mean people could see every repulsive/scary/embarrassing/sad, boohoo thing that had happened to me but also if they thought hard enough
A girl at University once viewed my memories – and she was quite proud of herself for having done so. She adopted an internet handle called “C0nArtist” or something. Most people that do it to me feel quite special for it and think they’re the only one who can do it. I’m sorry to inform you that you’re mistaken. And that you have VERY bad manners.
In this little “Secrets” project she did for University – which went viral actually – she put authored a secret of mine – a story about an Australian girl who penetrated me (painfully) in a disney tent with a nurses toy.
I had a lot of very weird sexual experiences as a child that I look back on and realise were actually really fucking sinister.
That wasn’t some child to child romp that girl witnessed – it was simply one experience amongst a series of sexual experiences that were being observed and controlled by pedophiles who could leave their bodies.
I engaged in so many weird experiences like that, got blamed a lot for them, got discussed for them etc – when you go through enough weird shit you learn to leave your body in your own way… and sometimes it’s the dead that substitute.
Just because you CAN do something – doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Consent is of absolute and utmost importance in anything you do, that involves other people, especially ME. If you think it’s cool that YOU’RE able to access my past – remember that it’s possible that there are children who might be living in some future accessing my present. (There are by the way, there really really are.)
And then remember that you teach through action – not words. So if you’re teaching someone it’s okay to do something like that to someone else that TRUSTS you – you’re likely teaching a whole bunch of little people too. THEN remember that humans evolve in stages – so if you’re invading the privacy of and betraying the trust of a person that takes care of you and looks out for you – you’re sending out a message to the Universe that “this is okay” and you’re also inviting a lot worse to happen to you… and the person that might’ve saved you from that karma will probably have fucked off by then, because distrust is a feeling. Even if you don’t know why you’re experiencing it, it’s a feeling. You’ll do what you can to stop feeling it too.
*looks at YOU, miss anonymous browsing girl with fuck all manners*
OH – and there’s another girl I wanted to address. I know he put some easter eggs in his stuff for you – that was specifically to piss me off and make me jealous.
One time I tried to set you up with a guy I had a huge crush on – he was bi, not gay – and you really should’ve considered it because when someone is so addicted to sex that they can’t force men to get to know them, bisexual men really are your best bet at a long lasting relationship. There’s potential for you to have more than one, y’know? AND someone to help fix your make up when no girl wants to be around you because you’re a fucking two faced back-stabbing bitch. (P.S I know I’ve made a point of never actually stating my sexuality but I’ll go ahead – I LIKE WOMEN. PROBABLY MORE THAN MEN.)
So here’s my idea for a movie. It’s incomplete you’d need an ending, iunno.
2 norwegian mercenaries go on a trip to the amazon to stalk a really hot cam girl, thinking shes 24.
One of them is really good at hypnotism and one of them is really good at mind control and they can both observe people’s memories by looking into their eyes.
they see her and shes a goofy looking normal person in ballet slippers etc and basically looks nothing like her photos. actually she looks a mess because she’s just had a break up and they find out she is definitely not 24 (shes 18)
the three of them end up missing the coach for their guided tour
they pretend not to know anything about her at all. and start getting to know her. she is really nice and acts like a little kid.
they go to the amazon without a guide because their tickets were very expensive and the mercenaries insist that they are great survivalists
they realise she has a split personality and that she isn’t actually all that nice.
and everything becomes a weird horror movie and they realise a little too late that she is actually a secret military experiment who can kill things with her mind… when she’s in a bad mood one night and they wake up and apparently there has been a massive planetary tragedy. And that she can get pregnant from having sex dreams about people she’s never even met.
She has no idea of any of this, or so it seems
Then they realise that she’s part of a family that were intended to be royalty for the most hated country in the world and that her mother has been brainwashed and that her father isnt actually her father at all because the real her was replaced as a baby when she died because she was allergic to milk. she tells them “I used to have blue eyes that turned green and then eventually they went brown” in passing and says “apparently some babies are born with blue eyes”
they glance at each other and nod awkwardly
also her father sold her as a child into a marriage because his sister’s brother thought that she was his dead wife. and that she was used as an energy source by arabian royalty.
shes great at predicting fashion trends and really likes eating hotdogs and junk food. they survive for a large part of the trip eating hotdogs.
one of them jokes about seeing something about how junk food doesnt go bad even if it isnt refrigerated.
she becomes very attached to places because she has no sense of direction because she is also a medium. so she mostly refuses to explore. which is apparently really great for things like zombie apocalypses.
they realise that they are also military projects and that their entire shitty lives have been a complete fucking lie.
they realise that they are part of an apocalyptic experiment and it really weirds them out
they see her having alien sex and it really weirds them out
she tells them that she was taken to a psychiatric ward at some point because she went “crazy”
and they realise that she’s MK Ultra
She puts make up and stuff on and becomes a completely different person and then offers to webcam with them. one of them looks on the chat and has a panic attack because he realises that all of the people in the chat are fake.
They realise that the aliens were trying to get her to become famous so she could exit the experiment and out the entire thing to the entire planet
they tell her about it
and she says that in her opinion the majority of people on the planet have screwed her over in spite of the things she’s done for them or how well she might’ve treated them and she’s not all that bothered or inclined to believe that it’s her job to save anyone
and that she just wants the things she wants. and she tells them that when she was little she really wanted to be “happy” and to have a little book shop. and that the only reason she even went to university was so she could have purple hair. and she had never been to university and had never dyed her hair purple.
they tell her that to the best of their understanding a large part of this project is that everything she wants gets taken away.
at this point she explains that she’s a vampire and that it’s essentially just a waiting game in the very worst case scenario
then they say “why didn’t you tell us that you were a vampire?” and she responds “because i didnt really think you’d believe me and i’m not interested in proving it either. i’ve been put in a psychiatric ward for doing and saying a lot less. they do not see a psychiatric ward in her memories but they see her writing a story as a teenager about having been in a psychiatric ward with a leaky sink.
also she explains she is disturbed by the concept of vampirism because she doesnt want people to think she is stealing energy from them – even though she knows they’d do it to her – and she says ” i don’t drink blood, even though i am sure i’m supposed to.” they visit a memory of her in a sushi place in London as a child, spotting pancakes with red jam on a conveyor belt – and thinking they look good. she asks a waitress if the jam is blood.
they realise that she knows really complicated martial arts and is a contortionist in spite of the fact that she has never studied martial arts and does absolutely no exercise whatsoever
they also see that she sometimes she can talk to animals and sometimes she can’t, and that she can predict the outcomes of boxing matches without knowing anything about boxing or the people fighting
she likes cartoons and strategic games. her favourite game is age of empires although she builds huge walls and occupies resources but never really attacks neighbouring countries unless they attack first – and they always do. her consistent response to attack is generally to build defences and expand her land
she has a solar powered charger for her laptop and other electrical items that aren’t available to most people and has no idea about it and doesn’t get bored, and can easily fall asleep when she is bored
then they realise that she’s a time traveller and she wakes up at different ages