I watch a lot of Louise Pentland’s videos even though I’m probably not her ideal demographic. She’s really funny so on the one hand I enjoy her self deprecation but I actually think she’s incredibly beautiful. She’s always pointing out her flaws and ultimately her flaws relate directly to the fact that she’s considered overweight. I love it when she dresses up and I always wish I could go shopping with her because I’d love to pick outfits for her (I love taking people shopping and picking stuff out for them)
My cousin recently told me I should exercise. Obviously I told him that telling any female person to exercise is synonymous with asking to be stabbed. I think he was amused. It’s weird – I could say something like that to some people and they’d take it quite seriously and I could say it to others and I’d get a grin in response. I prefer the grin. If I’m being serious about something like that I’d be much more likely to say nothing at all. I’ll explain: Have I told you about the time my brother was coming up the stairs, and I was taken by a curiosity as to whether my 30 cm ruler was really “shatter proof” – spoiler: it wasnt – I smashed it on his head – and he didn’t really do anything in revenge. But the next morning I just walked into the bathroom and shaved off my eyebrows? No? I’m sure I’ve blogged about it somewhere.
Well. My Grandmother was quite similar to my brother – they actually got on really well with one another – my Grandmother and my brother. Except she was probably a bit meaner. She used to tell me off for drinking hot water out of the kettle – I knew no one ever used it so I’d just go ahead and drink the water straight out. One time the kettle was simply left on and I did the thing. My tongue burnt and I immediately erupted in huge boils. My first instinct was, quite naturally, to grab some ice from the freezer and put them on the boils. That was a different kind of burn. I ripped the ice off my tongue and in doing so I also ripped open the boils. My tongue was a huge open wound.
I do not drink water straight out of the kettle anymore.
A girl I knew once told me that the thing she envied about me was that at some point, when I got upset or irritated by the people I was talking to – they’d actually stop and listen. (Though they’d never really let on to the fact, and it certainly wasn’t something I ever noticed.)
One time I was angry with my then-boyfriend and said something to the effect of “I’m literally going to throw an actual brick at his head.” I would never have done something like that, that was just coming from a place of anger – I cope with anger and sadness by either laughing hysterically (when you suffer enough, when you come from a culture that has suffered enough – something I’ve learned from black people and jews – you learn to laugh. you become funny in some way.) or by saying something quite abrupt. She started telling people the things I’d say in anger that I’d never really act on (do you see me throwing a brick at someone’s head – someone whose rent I am paying, someone whose food I am paying for etc??)
I mean it makes sense in hindsight that she’d tell people that I scared her and things, because she was fucking him
But from that observation she was kind enough to make about me – cos I’ve never had any idea that anyone had ever paid any kind of attention to me – I think she was inspired to start having very dramatic temper tantrums about inane shit and it made the guys I had known quite tired of her. If anyone has ever listened to anything I’ve said/written it’s probably because I actually don’t speak very much at all. More of a listener/reader.
I bond with people very quietly, just by entering their personal space or perhaps even inviting them into mine. Listening to music with them/watching cartoons with them/just being around them. I’m not much the kind of person to make food for myself or for other people but I’m very much the kind of person to invite them to share mine. Anyone who has ever, ever known me – knows that there is not one thing I have that I wouldn’t share /give to another person, no matter how little I have and how much they have.
(The one thing I DO NOT share is men btw – and that is really important because I am allergic to pretty much every kind of birth control that exists. ESPECIALLY condoms. And by the way – you can give people STDs through non-physical sex. So be careful with that.)
You might not believe mind control exists, or time travel, or telepathy – and that’s because it is all very subtle. Different people have different talents.
And with anything you do, the most important thing to keep in mind is your intentions because your actions carry karma. And if you can believe that hypnosis, telepathy and mind control exist – and they do – I promise that you need not be afraid of people practising these abilities on you because of the knowing that karma exists. My advice when it comes to intention – is to insure that it comes from a place of love. And love has fuck all to do with sex.
As Esther Hicks says, words don’t teach – only experience does. But I do think that words sink into your subconscious enough to force you to manifest a learning experience that will help you understand the magnitude of anything you’ve done. But even I had to learn that, and I’m lucky I learned that at an early age. Even if it was mostly through taking the blame for things that other people were doing.
OH. I updated my Style Inspo page and I edited the photos. By edit, as usual – I mean I specifically altered the colours and light. But here is the transition of colours – because it is the combination of colour and light in photography that is what is ultimately important to me. Photography is “painting with light”. But I know that – particularly younger people – can be susceptible to falling victim to “beauty” standards that aren’t necessarily real. I don’t have an issue with plastic surgery, I think insecurity causes society a lot of damage – but again – its your intentions that matter. If you’re going to get something “done” – for me, it’s my lips – and a few other things perhaps when I’ve the time (I’d love some botox on my forehead for example) do it only motivated by yourself. I get my lips done to keep them in proportion to the rest of my face, not for example – because someone said my lips didn’t look kissable or something. (I actually HATE kissing and don’t want people or their appendages or body parts anywhere near my mouth.)
This is the original.
This is the original with more light.
this is the final edit I chose.
If anyone sees this I really don’t want you to think I “look” like this. I am totally contorting in an unnatural way to emphasise what I like about myself.
I am breathing the fuck in here and using what little stomach muscle I imagine must be somewhere inside of me to make myself look thinner and take up less space (which is not very feminist actually but I try to even that selfish irresponsibility out with ignoring other beauty standards that have been imposed on women)
I think being comfortable being overweight or even underweight is the most feminist thing you can do for human kind – I think rejecting the idea that there is a ‘normal’ or ‘average’ weight is probably for the best because in most avenues you can venture your thought or art or practices towards… being “normal” is maybe the worst thing you can be. (Apart from boring.)
I think I actually got over anorexia because I saw beautiful curvy women and thought I was too small. But I remember in my teens that there were girls I had been acquainted with who wished that they could be bigger, and that they struggled to be any size outside of their own in spite of eating “a lot”. Like I said – if something bothers you that much, go ahead and create a body that suits the proportions that you want. But don’t let your thoughts (which truly might not be your own) be what decides whether you’re attractive or not.
I really, really don’t want to mislead anyone into thinking I look like that all the time. I do not. I am also arching my back in a way that most people can’t and I am super uncomfortable. And I’m going to go all out and flatter myself here – I’m a bit of a contortionist. I hate exercising – like passionately hate exercise of absolutely any kind but if I DID exercise, especially when I was little, maybe I could’ve been an athlete of some-kind. I had a leg injury as a teenager and it was so traumatic that I’d have nightmares about it for years after. (The muscle on the outside of my thigh was stronger than the muscle on the inside of my thigh – so the muscle on the outside of my thigh would pull my knee cap up and out of place. Thats called “dislocation”. Now if you can imagine – my knee cap moved to the side of my leg and then I fell on it. In the rain. I had internal bleeding and all of that stuff. I am ONLY bringing this up to explain that in meditating with Abraham Hicks and Esther Hicks and NOT EXERCISING apart from maybe standing on one leg and stretching a bit … my knees look like they’re healing because my kneecap doesn’t move slightly out of place anymore when I lift my legs up.)
Anyway, I prefer the Arts to sports or movement at all and if you’d of had the injuries that I’ve had you’d probably feel the same.
Also – more importantly – I don’t think you should do anything if you don’t love it.
I’ve got quite a bit of fat accumulating in bits of my body – I’m eating a lot and not exercising at all. I recently watched a woman having a fat transfer – she was fully awake and could see everything that was going on. Surgery is pretty serious to me although I guess thats easy to forget when you’ve had as many operations as I have (All of them non-cosmetic, although I was going to have breast surgery once when I was abroad for a summer holiday and by some coincidence it turned out that I had “food poisoning” that prevented me from being able to get it, even though I am the kind of person that can eat ANYTHING without getting ill.) (I wanted to do soft-core porn and I never did because I was embarrassed by my breasts.)
So as a person who has had anorexia I’ve found a lot of comfort in looking at the fat on my body and deciding where I’d prefer to put it, because it’s actually a lot healthier to use your own fat than it is to have implants. (FYI I am having some of my arms and belly put on my hips/ass/breasts.)
Also.. as far as many of the classical Arts are concerned… womens bodies are designed to make the best shapes whatever size they might be. I imagine that somewhere in our evolution men got scared of women being bigger than them because I mean, their penises are so fragile aren’t they? and their penises often, i guess, to some extent, dictate their proportions. Which is also ridiculous because have you seen statues of Adonis? Your penis really has nothing to do with either your masculinity or your beauty or how attractive you are. Or at least not to me.
So0o I was thinking today that when Kim Kardashian was pregnant she was technically “overweight” (like, thats what happens when you are sharing a body with more than just one ‘self’) and that was probably the prettiest that I’ve ever found her. There were trashy online gossip sites that posted photographs of her swollen feet in heels and I felt embarrassed that there are people who read that bullshit and that that’s how they acquire a sense of self esteem … through looking at what other people are doing and thinking they’re better or something.
Again… it’s all because we live in a kind of sad culture that thinks it needs to make people insecure to sell things. You’d sell a lot more stuff if people loved themselves. It’s kind of a scientific fact.. I’m sure you could actually see the differences in the brain activity of a person who hates themselves unconditionally versus a person who loves themselves unconditionally.