I typed up a little BDSM guide as content for one of my businesses and I’m very happy with it.
“I want to empower women. I want people to be afraid of the people I dress.”
Learn about the Art of self-seduction – we promise you that there’s nothing more frightening than a kinky fashionista whose only obsession is herself… make him frightened to approach you and he’ll fix himself up before he starts invading your personal space.
Through loving yourself unconditionally – you have already mastered S & M because no one else can break the bond between you and yourself. (They might try, but they will lose themselves in doing so.)
The issue with 50 Shades of Grey is the protagonist is thrust into a life style she was never even remotely interested in. But if you’re truly jumping on the BDSM bandwagon, we’re going to give you a few suggestions as to how to keep things chic.
Firstly – the sub is always the dominant one. Dita Von Teese said so. Dita is eternally chic. If you can be comfortably submissive because the person you’re engaging with has low self esteem and needs to feel in control – then you’re the one in control. But know that if they take that sense of strength too far and outside of your personal dynamic without learning what they need to learn from you – it’ll be damaging for them. The World is a damaging place for a control freak that has no self control, no self esteem.
Secondly – the BDSM lifestyle attracts a lot of losers desperate for love, a purpose or simply for a person to fix their lives. You can’t fix anyones life, love can’t grow from desperation, and no education or degree can help you fix a person’s life. A degree in psychology or psychiatry might help you understand them a little better, but it can’t teach you empathy. But you can teach them to love themselves.
We can’t promise your various subs won’t endeavour to learn how to hack you – so keep your webcam and mic covered. We can’t promise that they won’t take up some form of meditation so they can learn telepathy or how to leave their bodies so they can find you when you’re trying to have a nice lunch with a relative. Some people are very entitled – and have poor manners. You can teach them manners.
If you can teach people manners and inspire them to love themselves – you might scare them away in the process, but think of it as a selfless act – you’ve done what their parents couldn’t do. You’re already the very best kind of woman there is – an adoptive mother.
With our tips you’ll have him screaming “MERCY, MERCY” but you won’t hear him because your tinnitus goes wild when you’re near boring.
Step One: Perfect your bitchy face and that face you make when you’re disappointed/bored AF in the mirror & it doesn’t even matter what you’re wearing. It’ll pop into his head every time he does something stupid. Including thinking about you when he could be doing something useful, like creating art.
Step Two: The female form is divine, that includes your silhouette, belly rolls (or lack thereof) and even the hair on your upper lip. Ask any artist – even the homosexual ones – it’s all about women. Know you’re perfect, even when you don’t think so.
Step Three: Admire strong women, past or present – do you think Jane Goodall ever said “sorry, I’m too busy to study/save the apes today – got to get my breasts done, anus bleached and my leg hair lasered off”?? No – she donned a good bra, and probably didn’t have the time or patience to get to trust a man enough to let him gaze into her anus. Also it is probably difficult to feel insecure about how a man regards your body when you already hate men for killing off endangered species.
And if you can’t find anyone worth admiring – admire future-you. Future-you is full of pity – which is exactly the kind of emotion that makes Christian Greys cry into their pillows at night.
Step Four: be comfortable with the functions of the human anatomy, because when you are aware of your own perfection – some people will stoop as low as to make you feel insecure for doing what you need to, to survive.
Step Five: Know what you like, be unafraid to try new things – the worst case scenario is realising what you don’t like and any pursuit of self knowledge is worthwhile.
Step Six: Finance is not status. Money does not define you, it just makes things a little more fun, and it’s good for making your ideas a reality. Your cash balance has nothing to do with your value as a person. If you love yourself you’ll feel as good in a baggy tshirt as you do in Alexander McQueen.
The cash in his wallet is not an aphrodisiac. But do let him think so, his self esteem needs that. Tell him how much you admire his ability to accumulate wealth, especially if he’s flashing it all over the place. Actually if a man uses cash as an accessory – he’s probably not going to spend it on you. Don’t expect him to either, unless having money spent on you brings out your inner slut and he happens to be into your inner slut. Chances are he’s terrified of your inner slut though.
Stingy men are the anti-aphrodisiac, you might be inclined to over look this trait but it will infuriate you as time passes. If his idea of generosity is a night in with a take-away, he has NEVER had good sex and you deserve better than that. But don’t ditch him without telling him how cheap he is, ok? Do the woman he pursues after you a favour. Think good deeds unto your sisters and pass along an upgraded parcel.
Larry David is beloved-American-sitcom wealthy and wrote a Curb episode about not having enough cash on him to buy his wife a bracelet. If Larry David is more suave than whoever you’re seeing – ditch them. For their own good – and yours.
If he’s rocking a bank card or fifty he is either way too legal to be playing the BDSM game and/or probably uses it to buy roofies on the e-silk road. Sad times, not chic.
Step Seven: If you’re offered a drink that isn’t sealed with impenetrable packaging, don’t accept it. No matter how ‘trustworthy’ a person is. Being comfortable to dialogue about this might save someone’s life. Human interaction is not all about you.
Step Eight: Have ideas, dreams and aspirations, many in fact.
In Grease, the musical from the seventies – Jan has a pocket book of photos of men and offers it to Sandy and says “here honey, have one of mine” – be like that – about ideas.
If you’re working a job you hate talking about, and someone says “what do you do?” you can say “I’m dreaming and aspiring to something great, although I don’t know what that is yet.”
Ideas are more valuable than cash and make you a good conversationalist – good conversation is much more valuable than cash. Ideas make you unforgettable, makes for unique conversation.
Have so many ideas that it won’t bother you when people start stealing them – and be okay with people who have the level of insecurity that they feel comfortable belittling your ideas.
Secure people who love themselves do not belittle other people for having the guts to discuss the potential they see in others. BDSM is a psychological practice before it is a sexual one – if you aren’t making people feel good about themselves, having sex won’t make them feel good either. There is nothing worse than sex that leaves you feeling rubbish afterwards.
If your self esteem comes from a place of helping others – when a person leaves a conversational exchange with you feeling like they could be a better person – there is potential for good sex – but it’s probably a long way off. Wait for them to be as self obsessed as you are.
Importantly – people with the kind of cash to be able to afford to buy majority shares in Apple just so they can have access to your ‘Notes’ section are lacking in creativity to a frightening degree and it’s necessary for you to aid them – if only through reminding them that they live on a Planet of possibilities that far extend their attraction or obsession with you. Not spending an excess of money is as bad as throwing it down a gutter, and is offensive to people who don’t have it.
Step Nine: Be yourself – find out what being yourself means. If you’re going to imitate someone, if you like someone’s style – own up to it and credit them as your inspiration. Role models of any kind are not your friends, they’re people who paved the way for you – that’s it. Let us all take a moment to thank Kim Kardashian’s ass.
Step Ten: If sex feels good, you’re not doing it wrong. If it feels good for you, and someone tells you you’re doing it wrong – they’re the one doing sex wrong. The only body you can possibly truly know is your own.
Be safe Goddesses! We hope our guide helped you on your quest of World Domination.
“Really what I’m aiming for is World Domination!”
I came across this Alexander McQueen quote after typing my last sentence. O0o
I’m a creepy medium aren’t I?
My tongue is too big for my mouth, so I often part my teeth and let it slide through. Like this. (One of my mothers in my infancy was a Sri-Lankan woman called Mala – she used to stab food with a knife and put it in her mouth and that kind of baddassery has stuck with me throughout my life.)
>> Image Credit <<
Which gives me a pout, on top of my juvederm-restylane lips – courtesy of Dr Jack and Dr Rita Rakus. Both of whom I trust – and both of whom I would recommend. TELL THEM I SENT YOU! THEY PROBABLY DON’T REMEMBER ME BUT I REMEMBER THEM EVERY TIME I LOOK IN THE MIRROR. WHICH IS ATLEAST 77777700000000 X TIMES A DAY.
Here I am, photobombing Prince. Did you know that your face make up/laugh changes depending on who you’re thinking of? Try it and see.
This is what I’m wearing today. I think the cardigan is TopShop from ten or so years ago, and the denim shorts are H&M – less years ago. That is not genuine blood – I bought some off Amazon. Genuine blood doesn’t look like that.