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I’m not through the whole video but I’ve gone on a very, very fast paced personal thought journey in listening to this speech by the Dalai Lama, so far.

I will share one aspect – that isn’t so apparent in his speech, not necessarily directly relevant to it – but he does speak about inner value. I’ve had a hard time with inner value – I spent a lot of my life dreaming. Sometimes picking up a momentum to do a project and often relying on people I believed to be friends to see the potential in my ideas that I always saw in them and their own and follow my thread of thought – and help me. Perhaps quite wrongly doing so.

But my sense of value often came from work and potential.

When I left the psychiatric ward I spent a lot of time in a medically induced sleep – so – where I had been lethargic for a large part of my life I then entered a sleep by force in accepting I should be medicated – when I should never have been medicated at all.

But I was compliant and I think in being so, managed to be able to develop an opinion about what I truly consider to be an evil to humanity: and perhaps an entire industry that is stagnating human evolution. I entered a half way house at about the same time I entered into a relationship with a psychiatric nurse that was selected for me, through deception. If you can believe it was a coincidence that I met a psychiatric nurse, that is a wonderful but naive state of being – the belief in coincidence at all isn’t really a spiritual truth that any of the spiritual teachers that resonate with me teach. There are a lot of names for the notion of coincidence – but two people cannot meet by chance, the timing might be divine: that two beings that connect with one another and help one another to grow can come across each other is perhaps magical, but no relationship is or has ever been simply a coincidence. And this relationship was no coincidence – and I knew it at the time but I ignored the intuition. If you’ve ever been in a half way house, run by women who get their sense of self from convincing themselves they’re helping people by keeping them in a kind of regimented prison (that not a single one of the residents wanted to be in) you’d perhaps be able to understand. I know a good writer is supposed to help their reader acquire a sense of empathy by describing something with such detail that the reader lives it – but nothing I could say could help you live my personal experience. Nothing.

I entered a relationship for the wrong reasons. I was completely alone and I wanted someone to help me through a terrifying situation. He was a psychiatric nurse – and in our last conversation he told me that ultimately it bothered him that I “wasn’t doing anything”. It wasn’t inaccurate – I dropped out of an MA course. That I also pursued for the wrong reasons.

I could’ve gone on a verbal tirade about why I wasn’t doing anything – about how in some form… I felt that every one of my dreams had been stolen from me by people who undermined my self worth and made me feel like I wasn’t talented – about how the medication I was on had completely torn me apart physically. I didn’t bother.
Thats not even mentioning that medications that alter your mental state can really kill your creativity… if you saw some of the drawings I did when I was on medication and compared them to one I can do now, or even before I ever started University… you’d probably be quite shocked.

So, while I didn’t really care about what he said – I knew in myself that I was healing – but he was only repeating things that had been said to me, in some form, throughout my life.

I spent a lot of my time in Denmark in bed. I lived with a family I wasn’t ready to communicate with, I never really told them anything about myself or who I am. I think they thought it was strange I wasn’t “doing anything” either.

Actually I spent months and months in a meditative sleep, when I was awake I was very quietly suffering with intense physical pain from the parkinsonism the medication I was being administered gave me, listening to spiritual teachers or listening to music that made me day dream… or walking around through town late at night or in the early morning, often aimlessly. I would do very little things that didn’t matter to put that creative energy to use.

So – I gave up my masters degree, I gave up a relationship. I went to Denmark hopeful – and left in very much a similar psychic space to the one I visited with – however the difference was I was very much accepting my apparent place in life and also – very very happy to be alone. Very happy not to be good at anything. Very happy not to have false friends. It was the happiest defeat I’ve ever experienced.

Eventually I started getting much “better”, accepting I was a talentless nothing and that there could be happiness in that – and I was taken off the medication. Upon being taken off my medication… I realised that I’m actually capable of doing pretty amazing things,  like communicating with people’s children before they’re born, like channelling the dead, like communicating with angels, like shopping (if you’ve ever sat in bed on a medication, in a depression, where you completely accepted that life is supposed to be boring and pointless – and you don’t even bother spending money on nice things because the things you attract into your line of sight reflect your mental space – you’ll understand how big a deal this is to me personally).

I accepted being alone and then realised I had to accept that I’m actually never alone. I started a lot of businesses and worked for months almost non-stop. My sense of self worth came back through my ability to work non-stop. This is the point of the thought journey that I went on through listening to this video – I went from one extreme to another. There is no balance in that. I’ve gone from a period of doing nothing and resenting the body I was in, to working non stop to a week spent being …quite lazy.
Last night I channelled Lucifer & saw the baphomet in my mirror – I learned without words that humanity has now entered the “fourth eye” era of spiritual evolution. I saw myself with four eyes. It was so, so visibly-real that I tried to photograph it but all I got in the photo was my very normal-looking self.

I have not done drugs in a long time. Well. Tobacco and the occasional painkiller discounted. I tried to stay up and think and think – and something said “go to sleep or you will faint” although I didn’t feel tired at all.

I spent most of today asleep, though I woke up in between that three times. I haven’t done that in a long time – sleep a whole day away. That is how tired that must have made me. And then I felt guilty for being tired. How on Earth can a person feel guilty for being tired? And then I thought of my childhood – how can a child who spends weeks asleep be called lazy? That is not laziness, that is un-wellness. But the reason I felt guilty for being tired was that I wasn’t working, and so when I reflect it with absolute honesty – my self esteem suffered from my quiet exhaustion. Then I realised why I really needed that Abraham Hicks video about “playing”. Then I thought “Rome was not built in a day”.

I realised that all of the weird stuff I was saying when I was “ill” was very poorly communicated but actually… terrifyingly true. I got in touch with a spiritual teacher and discussed it with her and she agreed… and confirmed it was time to start doing readings for people – something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. As Abraham Hicks says – “start with stuff that doesn’t matter”. And sharing energy with the Dalai Lama in this video has made me understand that my sense of self should not come from the things that I can achieve, and while I might want to start a lot of businesses, and want to have money – that that could attract false friends – I’ve attracted false friends in my past for a lot less. And not to go from one extremity to the next.

So – in terms of my spiritual development, I went from accepting that everything I had learned was false and that I was just crazy – to… seeing a reflection of myself with four eyes, seeing Lucifer as the Baphomet in the mirror carrying a scythe (quite beautiful and not at all scary) and thinking “I’m supposed to have SEVEN eyes” and Lucifer think-calling me demanding (and saying “you’d go insane.”)

I am an individual that seems to operate from one extreme to another. I think that if I am fortunate enough to attract any kind of success into my life, I should leave my self esteem in that place of accepting that I am nothing.

Especially if that is what it takes to comfortably allow myself to spend a day sleeping, after seeing Lucifer in the mirror… and witnessing humanity’s fourth eye… and learning I can at some point in time, help people deemed mentally ill to turn “hallucinations” “off”.

A Wayne Dyer video came on about forgiveness and really… thats not the nature of my higher being at all.

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God’s Wrath

“Vengeance Is Mine, I Will Repay,” Says the Lord Scripture: Romans 12:19–21   

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

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