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D R E A M I N G

It’s funny, last night I was listening to the Attack on Titan opening… I recalled a man I gave the nickname “Sexy Man” when I went to Uganda.

I sort of met him in a Back Packer’s hostel one year – we never spoke but I went around calling him “Sexy Man” to absolutely every person around me. There’s a lyric in this song about the “Congo”. I didn’t see much of him that year, but the girls in my college told me that they saw him burying an AK outside their bedroom window one night. (They all fancied him because I fancied him, that is how it works when I fancy guys, ha)

I remember being in a boat listening to this song on repeat

And then later, when I had spent all my cash on commissioning a montessori bookshelf  and a wendy house – we had to stay at a hotel in the “slums”.
my ipod died and I borrowed my friend’s.

I listened to this song… for the first time.

SO FUNNY – I washed my underwear in a sink one time and hung them out the window. They went missing and then my friend saw them hanging in a market stall for sale.

I recently learned on a wikipedia search that one of Sexy Man’s millions of names is Daniel… ha


I took these photos

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>> BLOOD on flickr << “wiind”

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>> BLOOD on flickr << “to be there right now”

I spoke to some of his colleagues at the hostel before we left and they told me about the work they were doing infiltrating areas in which children had been abducted from their tribes to become child soldiers. I remember meeting one woman that they had given a baby to, she didn’t want to leave Uganda because she wanted to care for the baby.

I struggle to log into that old flickr account because it uses a handle associated with an email that I don’t have access to anymore – but believe it or not I was wearing a super-long black vest with very light grey skinny jeans in Uganda, because I had a big butt and big butts REALLY weren’t in back then. I had short, short hair with long “whispy” bits and I liked wearing cropped denim jackets.

Isn’t it amazing how the a perfect circle logo seeped it’s way into the Attack on Titan opening theme too??

I’m under no impression that the creators were thinking of me and all the things I was interested in to that detail – I simply think things seep into the collective consciousness and impact us all.

But anyway – listen-listen for “CONGO”

And then I saw that I had decorated my bedroom with leaves you find everywhere in jungles in the Congo.

The year after, when I was nineteen – I went back to Uganda. And as coincidence would have it – “John Hunt” was there too.
I remember one night that the guy I was travelling with (one of THE most amazingly hideous guys I’ve ever met/seen) called Stefan ran to me one evening at the hostel (I’m banned from there after an incident involving 55MG – that doesn’t sound like a lot but I took 11 x 5g tablets and that actually IS a lot – of diazepam given to me by a British GP – I’m told I was rolling around on the floor asking for coke-e-cola – GPs are given a card that grants them access to HUGE amounts of medicine overseas. I was feeling a little bit reckless after a break up *laughs hysterically*. As I understand it a lot of weird stuff happened that night, but obviously – I don’t remember. This is actually kind of important when you realise that people in mental hospitals are administered these drugs at doses they cannot possibly comprehend because psychiatric drugs make people slow and stupid. And their reflexes are almost non-existent.) and said “HOLY SHIT KARINA!!!! GUESS WHO’S HERE” And i said “who?” and he said “DO YOU REMEMBER SEXY MAN FROM LAST YEAR???”

My face lit up and it was probably the best moment of my life.

After all of that I found out some time later that he was on Death Row in the Congo for a few years – theres a wikipedia page >> here <<. He has his own wikipedia page actually… turns out his birthday is on the 7th April. Happy Birthday psychotic Aries.

He doesn’t look like this – but here’s a card for him – from my favourite archetypal tarot deck.

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When I went “insane” I made a load of tweets demanding that he was released from Prison… >> Turns out he was. << He was innocent by the way – the true details of what he was up to will never be released and aren’t his business to share.

This song recently came out and it was filmed in Kampala – where we met.

“Coke Boys”, huh… French Montana? Sexy man’s surname is French………..


Anyway, I’m thinking about him a lot. I was doing a lot of exercise last night. I didn’t even have the energy to put on a guided meditation video…

Edited 10 April

I feel like if he were a Dragon Ball Z Character he’d be Majin Boo… They both have this beautiful smile. It’s weird how sexy is a vibe and not really a “look”. Like – this picture – he’s not like “pretty” but he’s insane-hot. “Insane-hot” is a look you can only achieve after living through like, the worst kind of traumas. So it’s nice to know sexy man and I have psycho in common.

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>> Image Credit <<

OH AND APPARENTLY A MOVIE IS COMING OUT ABOUT MY SEXY MAN

 


Before I went to Uganda I watched two pieces of film that I later realised to be more important in my personal life story than perhaps any.

The first was a documentary about the Elephants living in Victoria Park – a safari location now – that were affected during the reign of Idi Amin. The baby elephants that were now adult elephants had watched their mothers being slaughtered for ivory. So the adult Elephants in Victoria park suffered with extreme PTSD – it had made them pretty violent. Their carers talked about how they would sleep with them at night – to protect them from poachers of course, but also because they would have really horrible nightmares.

When I went to this Safari park, I was in a coach – this huge herd of elephants started running towards our bus. I wasn’t really afraid at all. I always wish I had stepped out of the coach and said hello. Of course you don’t do that on Safari, ever. But if I could’ve gone back in time I’d have done that. Elephants feel energy. My teacher Lisa told me that I’m an Elephant. She said they’re my “spirit” animal. Actually she said they’re my “totem” animal.

A girl I was friends with told me that “totem” animal is appropriation but I was initiated into a Ugandan tribe by my two Ugandan mothers, Enid & Peninnah – and I realise now that Lisa must’ve known that. Also… Lisa was a black woman so I struggle to think that she was appropriating her own expansive culture. Also… black people are Jews.

The other film that I watched was Hotel Rwanda. I watched it at my ex boyfriends house – a guy I had been with for four years – who was literally the world and more to me at the time. (I saw a photo of my Twin Flame on a book and I wasn’t even remotely interested in him, funny how Lisa was so right – she said “first impressions are always correct”. FOR INTUITIVES. NOT EVERYONE. Energy workers absorb other people’s energies upon engaging with them.)
I remember watching that film in his living room and crying because I really felt for the continent and most of all the part “we” – I am British too – had to play in a genocide. I cried so much and I had an argument with my then-boyfriend, because I said “I want to do something!” and he said “what can we really do?”. He was always one of those people very comfortable with where he was standing. Actually at the time we were on a break. Actually I would’ve told my past self that that is the kind of guy that holds you back – when you feel “I want to do something” and someone assures you only that you actually can’t… that is the right time to let them go. That said – Lisa told me not to work with homeless people because I was suffering with a depression – a collection of sad experiences that I had not confronted and was running from – and she said you cannot heal people if you don’t heal yourself. So where that ex told me not to do that work – that is: he reflected his own sense of disempowerment to me – my spiritual teacher Lisa simply told me I wasn’t ready for the kind of work I felt compelled towards because I hadn’t healed myself yet. She said I’d have become disillusioned and extremely depressed through helping people I wasn’t ready to help yet.

Abraham Hicks would argue that – in that moment – I did realise that that ex wasn’t for me, and that is how I manifested meeting someone who could do something. I was so in love with this guy that I called up this guy I was on a break with… and said “OH MY GOD THERE’S A MERCENARY AND I’VE NICKNAMED HIM SEXY MAN BECAUSE HE IS THE SEXIEST MAN EVER”

So after watching that film – and Elfen Lied… It’s a story about a science experiment – a genetic sort-of human who is part cat, who can breed without touching because she has “vectors”. She has a split personality – she goes from being a really cute-mute who can’t say anything much… to being “not-good”. The split in her personality is a result of her escaping an experiment base and receiving trauma to the head.

When I was in the psychiatric ward I was exercising and at one point I fell directly onto my head – hard – onto a floor that could’ve cracked it. It didn’t hurt when I fell, but it should’ve. I got up and felt fine – but drowsy. By coincidence a nurse just allowed herself into my room (without knocking – which was actually expected of anyone entering patient’s dorms) and said “are you alright?” and I said “Yes? I’m fine?”

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I left for Uganda and I met a guy who had a sound-vibration of every name of every guy I have ever been attracted to in my entire life. A complete psycho with epic ironed shirts. Actually the first year we met we had no contact whatsoever – like the boyfriend I had been with for four years, he initially stayed away from me because he thought I was too young. I was totally obsessed with him the moment I saw him (I knew he was insane) – first he made sure I found out he was a mercenary – which was absolutely no deterrent from telling everyone I was in love with him – then he got his colleagues to talk to me and explain the kind of work that they were doing. I was, at the time, pretty sure that I wanted to start a co-operative (A live-work collective for natives and animals that couldn’t afford a place to live, who could work in exchange for that).

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This is my favourite movie of all time. It’s about a guy called Leon – that’s my Great Grandfather’s name. Played by a guy called Jean Reno. Cute, sexy man’s code name is John


Edited on Monday April 18th 2018

I was thinking of you again in my parent’s car and this song came on…

“SHE WANNA LIVE LIFE JUMANJI!”

I winced when I heard the word “panties”

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