This song inspired this page of my Graphic Novel. I’m thinking of putting it at the end of the graphic novel – thats usually when anyone finds out anything about me. At the end of a friendship. Is it unusual to introduce your protagonist at the end of a story?
This scene also inspired me – it’s from an anime called Noir about two “maidens of Death” – they’re assassins who have connections to a secret society.
I watched Heath Ledger’s Joker as Batman recently – one of his lines is ~approximately that you find out who a person really is in the moments before they die. Every time I have ever opened up to a person and let the friendship go, a part of me has sort of died.
Life really has taught me not to let people in, but I always do. Always have, it probably won’t happen again. Comic book heroes are always reluctant to befriend anyone, because their enemies go for their friends. I’ve always picked very strong people to be my friends, people who believed they were stronger than me, so I don’t think that would ever have been an issue to me – I pick friends that can mostly stand up for themselves. Or friends I teach to stick up for themselves early on, somehow. Actually I imagine that the ultimate lesson my graphic novel will teach any reader is that healers, heroes and teachers do not have a choice – if you are any of those three things – you are never going to be anyone’s friend. You might convince yourself otherwise, but that is self deception. Those identities make your influence and purpose in other people’s lives absolutely transparent. Healer/hero/teacher is not something you call yourself, it’s something other people call you. And often – it’s something other people realise long after you’ve walked out of their life experience.
This is a slutty slut version of an old school uniform. Actually our school skirt was a two inches below the knee thing.
My last memory of the me that wore this uniform is stuck in a Hotel room in France? I think? With about twenty (maybe more?) or so girls standing around my bed (who were never really all that nice to me anyway) calling me stupid.
I’ll elaborate – basically we were on a school trip to see a World War 2 memorial, I recall all of these really powerful art installations of WW2 poetry, walking through actual trenches. I was mostly alone through that, my classmates didn’t talk to me much unless they were feeling bitchy.
I remember a poem that had the line “blind men look up” – it was spoken while I stood in a sort of black box with florescent green light and smoke coming through.
That line stayed with me from the age of fourteen ’til the age of twenty eight. I think that line struck me at some point in that awful dispute – when I was surrounded by girls. I think I might’ve wanted to cry, but I looked up while each girl took a turn insulting me. Some girls just stood and watched. You don’t cry if you look up.
I know it’s healthy to cry, but actually I think I value my pride, I value my sense of dignity. Girls I’ve known who cry often do it to manipulate and get their own way in a confrontation. I’m not all that much of a girl.
People wonder why I spent five years of my life completely fucking high – first of all – remembering that nonsense is a big deal – because I was so high – but uh. If something like that has happened once, it’s happened numerous times. Probably throughout my life.
Anyway these girls ganged up on me, and called me stupid because I said that what the Nazis had done made me hate the Germans. One girl said “my relative was a nazi and he’s a really nice man” K, girl…
If my adult self could’ve walked into that room she’d probably have told the ugly, boring girls to shut up, laughed a LOT and said “that is just an emotional response and it’s great you’re so in touch with your feelings but you’re actually missing a much bigger picture by focusing on those kinds of details. Carl Sagan said something about us being a speck of dust in the Universe and the significance of observing the past is only to draw the present and future to your attention. Geography, Religion, Genetics and History really aren’t connected, because once you die and move somewhere else you live the same karma. What all these geniuses are doing to you right now is actually pretty comparable to what the Germans did to the Jews, what the Angels and God did to Lucifer. Humans are stupid and repeat their mistakes, because even the higher beings and the Gods they worship are stupid and repeat THEIR mistakes. Isn’t it great the most human thing about you is that you like wearing clothes?”
Haha. After this trip, mostly all of these girls never saw me again. I mean a few did, but they weren’t really worth my time. Actually thinking about it… there were only two girls at that school worth my time. One was in a bed opposite me and the other was in a bed beside her. They were both European Jews.
What is important to this story is that when I lived in Hackney (our equivalent of the Bronx) with my spiritual teacher, a woman who told me that she represented “The People of the Light” – is that she said in a past life I was a nazi, who got betrayed and killed. I said “did I die feeling guilty? she shook her head. I actually cried a little bit when I heard that I died without feeling guilty. A few years later – I had a vivid dream of myself in a prison cell screaming that I was going to be killed – shot like my dog. The only thing I had ever really loved. I wasn’t screaming in German, I was screaming in English. To some people that would make it less valid a dream, but I don’t speak German… and also emotions are a universal language.
I had a pretty public breakdown, called a “psychotic” breakdown. I didn’t really trust any of the professionals enough to honestly discuss my spiritual education. Thats actually their problem, not mine… And perhaps something they had to learn from me. The first proper job I ever wanted was to be a vet – I actually stopped wanting to be a vet because I realised that animals don’t like vets. When I was in the ward most of the patients I met didn’t trust the doctors at all, doctors tell you what you need when they have no idea. Actually that whole system is an archaic mess.
Professionals told me off and said “you said you were Hitler in a past life” – what I find peculiar is that in a country where it is illegal to challenge a person for their faith – how they could dare to bring up my spirituality at all. Perhaps they might say “can you prove it?” and I’d say “can you disprove it?”
Here’s how you really can tell a person’s past lives – by the details of their current one. Many things happened in that psychiatric ward that will never be admitted to – I went into a psychiatric ward holding a tiny fetus – and when they did a pregnancy test on me they told me it came out negative. So before me I had two options for what to believe – a fetus with an umbilical chord or a doctor telling me that I hadn’t been pregnant.
Reincarnation? Past lives? I’m sorry my journey upsets you – but when we know that the majority of human emotions can be split into very simple responses – I always look back and think “these people were jealous, weren’t they”
That teacher I lived with would do intense healing sessions – I remember one of her patients was a woman who had been in a car crash, and who needed help with pain management and was learning to walk again. Pain is an energy – when you are a healer you absorb the energy of the person you are healing. When you heal – you don’t just magically remove a person from their karma – you take it for yourself. As you level up on your spiritual journey you acquire teachers that teach you something new. Through Lisa I learned about energy.
When I was in a bad place in Farnham – my karma gradually becoming worse and worse as I became stronger and stronger – I listened to Louise Hay. Who taught the basics of Law of Attraction through repeating affirmations and visualisation to manifest reality. She credited Abraham Hicks – and at the time I wasn’t ready for that, I heard a man’s name and I didn’t want a spiritual education delivered by men. Later I met a man who taught me that I had more male energy than I did female energy – and accepted that perhaps I was more male than female. Later I was ready for Abraham Hicks – and I realise that Abraham Hicks was an energy that occupied a woman. The body doesn’t really matter at all.
Abraham Hicks – though Esther Hicks – teaches people to heal themselves.
When I typed the above out, I got a pain in my stomach and I felt nauseous. When you write, you send something out into the ether that affects everything. Whether for good or bad, it’s a form of energy work.
When I was very little I didn’t talk to people – I’ve written this before – I was mostly mute. I believed that reality was what I imagined. If karmically, archetypally, I am Lucifer – to me – that says that the Universe came into existence because Lucifer imagined it so.
There may not be a religious text that says so – and that is why my “religion” is Energy and Archetypes. Jesus said something like “Show me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are”… there are a few truths in that sentiment, yet also my spiritual guides have taught me that really, there’s no such thing as a friend. But when you have no friends to define you – no desire for friends – does that make you a not-who?
Jesus spent 40 days wandering through the desert, fasting, and the only entity he was visited by who had the power to give him anything said “bow to me” and Jesus refused. God sure as Hell didn’t show up. But Lucifer did. In fact throughout time, people who’ve been having a hard time have made pacts with Lucifer.
Whether you believe it or not is none of my business – but when I was having the worst time of my life I accepted that whether God existed or not – they didn’t have the ability to help me with what I was going through. So I called on Lucifer – and I was ready to die. I made a pact. Most people offer some kind of sacrifice when they make an agreement with Lucifer. I gave up my body. That is a pretty Christian notion. Christians believe in a trinity – that their God is an energy represented by three …
In doing so, I realised a lot of truths about this experience called reality and who I am. In doing that – I learned to value myself.
People ask for “evidence” a lot… define evidence. I don’t need to prove anything… it’s always through time (the past, especially) that the truth of the present and future comes out.
Here are truths, for example, that I would bet my soon-to-become-incredible life on. Kill me if I’m wrong :p
O.J DIDN’T do it – the Police did it
Madeleine McCann was sold into sexual slavery – the Police & her Father did it. She’s still alive.
Aliens have been integrating with humans for a LONG time and are about to in a very direct, physical way. They are not unattractive – they’ve been portrayed as such so that humans weren’t inclined to sexualise them.
People used to be a lot physically stronger than they are now – Stone Henge was carved and relocated by PEOPLE.
Heath Ledger is alive – and well
“Vampires” are real – they don’t need blood to survive, just a desire to – fangs are actually an aesthetic modification. You don’t just become a vampire, your entire life is a testament to whether you are deserving of an eternal physical – and not an unjustified danger to the Planet in being so. Basically – the contrast that is “Good” and “Evil”, often represented in art as “Light” and “Dark” has to be constructed.
Think of it like this – when a person authors a story… they define the “Evil” – the antagonist.
Someone has to be the “bad” guy. You’ve probably been taught that the “Good” guy is honest, pays their bills, dresses modestly, is beloved by everyone… is very well behaved and lives in a beautiful castle…
Well what is the honesty you want? An honesty that keeps you happy in societal uniformity and “harmony”? An honesty that cradles you into thinking you were born to be a wage slave – and that you didn’t deserve to live out your childhood dreams?
If you want slavery – God is your good guy.
If you want freedom – Lucifer is your good guy. The phase of existence where people accept being told what they want to hear is passing. Better that I am the Bad guy, stealing from people doesn’t sit well with me – thats what your good guy does.
But even thats justified sometimes, because some people don’t deserve “freedom of autonomy” … not really
Give people autonomy – they’ll create equilibrium amongst themselves.
Thats the thing about the UK – the thing about the class system in India – the Hutu versus Tootsis thing – the proletariat versus the inexcusably wealthy that don’t really know how to spend their cash. We can pretend those class systems don’t exist but the Planet is Pyramidal. When a gang of girls goes against one… their karma lies with that one. None of those girls have done anything ground breaking. None of those girls are all that interesting.
So when a Planet has mistreated a family, like mine, the turning Poles make it abundantly clear that you have picked who sits at the top of your pyramid.
Dy’u know who I pity the most? The people who have shaped their own karma through having the audacity to engage with me without respect