The flu has mostly been remedied by nosedrops since last I wrote. I did 2-2s in the bathroom, and if I had a bestfriend I’d of told her and said “I have to hire a plumber again” but all I have is this blog that occasionally gets views from me and people in Sri Lanka. (HI MALA11one!)

Today was a lot of fun. I got up at 10 am to make the most of the fact that I didn’t need to use the toilet. I am avoiding the bathroom because – the ‘loo’ – it’s blocked. (please, please read it all in a Mario from Super Mario brothers voice)

No but really. You can use whatever voice you want to use, this condition affects so many people. And this will sound like a white girl problem, and is often treated like one – but i think that evolutionarily it’s unlikely it began as a white girl problem. I think that certain men and women were socially engineered – code for: bred – to not be able to run. A lot of the cultures that contribute to my genes as I’m aware of it have histories of different kinds of slavery. People are still too afraid to be honest about the latter – and I think it’s because they’re still doing it, even here.

In anycase – my condition comes with perks. I can carry heavy loads. I can go for a long time without breathing. I can go for a long time without drinking water – not if I’m thinking about it. Also I can take a lot of pain. I know people sexualise that – but don’t pls. It is the least acceptable thing to socialise and I promise you that it frightens young people when you introduce some sexual element to the basic stuff they do, like eat and drink water.

I left a comment as my childrens-spirit-teacher whose name I don’t want to put here, on a little boy’s youtube. Basically he had created lots of animals in a visual landscape on a Planet somewhere on the seventh dimension, as he explained on his channel, and I was concerned that they might not know how to use their bodies or what they were capable of. What I think I said of the creatures in his visual landscape was “have you toilet trained them?”

I’ve just really considered though. Here is Leona, from the game League of Legends. For Leona to be able to be this person physically – she’s a tank – she’s carrying heavy stuff and she doesn’t run. She might run in the game but if you’ve ever ran with a bag strapped to your back you’ll know she doesn’t run.

How did she build up the stamina to be able to hold a sword and a shield and heavy armour for the duration of a game? That is not years of giving guys handjobs with that torso.

She literally stands still and pushes people away or otherwise fucks them up with her sword.

I’ve never played a character that wouldn’t avoid her lane.

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Leona Art Reference [ref]

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I imagine that Chun-Li’s tiptoes inspired Uub’s tiptoes. (Nicki Minaj is the superior Chun-Li and I prefer to think that hypothetically we offer two different ‘skins’)

IT TAKES TIME TO LEARN BALANCE and you ought to do every little thing individually. You don’t go from a to c, you go from a to b to c.

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Funny fact: When I was a teenager I appeared to be very pampered and spoilt but the nature of the condition meant I went out/spent cash like once every four months. I was given lunch money. I was given a decent amount of lunch money because I eat a lot. If I don’t eat a lot I feel hunger a lot.

So you’d go out and spend your “pocket money” (I wasn’t given pocket money, if I asked for “twenty quid” i’d be given “twenty quid”) and I got to have pet boyfriends I hung out with once a month.

and also it’s affects on the human body are beyond

Today I shadow puppetted Zuko by accident with Aang’s silhouette, pretending to be Chun Li.

If you are as interested in my sketchbook development as I am to document it, I learned how to paint water. I have never done this successfully before. I have always had this (literally sort of) fixation with transferring these complex images into symbols. I make it sound so fancy but actually when I was little, I had a weird Montessori puzzle (SOUNDS fancy, is not that fancy – it’s an educational/learning/developmental structure that was designed MANY MANY years ago by a lady that worked with children) (the dialogue about it would end there, with my interest) and one of the pieces was a semi circle with segments not unlike those you’d find in a lemon – and that puzzle piece fit directly above the alcove/arch above a puzzle piece of a doorway. I mean if you write it the way I’ve done, it sounds more complicated than it is.

TLDR As a child I learned that certain symbols and shapes can be transferred to appear as something else: from staring at a puzzle made of a wooden block with debossed bits you’d stick in to make the picture. It was a simple one for children, obviously. I think I was two. There’s a space for a puzzle piece for a door and another space for a puzzle piece of a window above the door.  (I think that would’ve been a very different visual story without MY narration.)

I connected an illustration of a semi-circular window above an entrance to the appearance of a lemon (and a wheel) and obsessed about interiors at some recess of my mind – which I vented when I first got to play sims. Which replaced the dollhouse dream I had.

Here is the first few scribbles of a girl waitressing at a local cafe that I know learned to speak by watching me speak. Specifically watching me in pubs. I asked her who taught her to serve like that and she LIED and I watched her lie and she knew I was watching her lie. She is cute and petite and made me feel very tall.

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She is a little cocktail umbrella in a wine bottle here. It was originally ‘beer bottle’ but it can be wine bottle.

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I painted the glass and then I added Brighton Beach and I’m sorry you can’t see her crimson ruffles anymore.

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I’ve not been doing it long enough to be good at it yet but I learned how to depict a figure in water – by asking HH “how do you paint water” and then days later I made this on photoshop. There’s a page in a pretend-costume-design-for-tithe sketchbook that I’m really unhappy with because I couldn’t paint water properly. So – I didn’t use a youtube tutorial, nor was I ever taught how to paint waves in an Art Class.

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Here I see the silhouette of a pregnant woman in a bathtub. Something of a cover for a Japanese Horror film I’m sure, but there’s water there. The only contribution i really made was that I put layers of scribbles on top of one another, I didn’t create the form or shapes above.

In my head, this is a co-creation depicting Yoshitaka Amano’s Sephiroth, Alphonse Mucha’s Salome, Klimt’s waves, HH’s waves, Mika Mae‘s eye for female curves

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I um. I dont want to go into any kind of detail but I used to make fake facebook profiles to lurk people on facebook and it turned out that one of the guys I was pretending to be – with the name and personality profile I gave him – got turned into a cartoon character.

I am very groggy, snotty and the word for – not slow – but slurred.
I have a cold. It is a stress cold. I am dreading taking down this much recycling.

I know it sounds silly to say but actually I’m happy. I just definitely have the start of a flu.

This is an illustration in my sketchbook that I’m becoming happy with. It is a pair of tights on a female form.

I’d like to save up for a scanner that can scan A2 documents. I’ve so many sketchbooks I’d like to put on the internet.

I updated my instagram today. I ate cold pizza for breakfast. I prefer cold melted cheese and cold tomato sauce on pizza.

I’ve decided that my flat is the live/work studio I always wanted, that’s the direction I’m taking the interiors.

You know when people who’ve studied Art say that doing so ruined their love for it and that the curriculum tasks often really stifled their creativity? It does do that. but also it’s a useful/good study and i think that once you’ve studied art you can forget about it, ought to forget about it, live some life and then return to your art and your technique will come back when your creativity returns. At uni a lecturer said that you don’t ever consider work finished – you keep going back to it.

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I’ve just bought some prints to stick in my sketchbook from photobox. I’m excited for my UHU photo glue too. (Before I moved to Brighton,) the amazing lady at the Job Centre in Ealing looked at me and said “you’re burned out”. I disagreed initially – but now that I am excited about UHU photoglue, I agree.

All the things I enjoy doing – and all I’ve been doing for about two years actually – is work to normal human beings. It doesn’t feel like work because I am in my own environment and I get to listen to the music I like, but people find enjoyment in other things and I don’t right now, nor would I say I’m not looking to – but I don’t find anything inviting or captivating about the ways people enjoy themselves nowadays. I’m probably only really complaining about the selection of games available to people with macbooks.

and it’s really my fault for spending my life fantasising about being one of those impoverished artists that made epic work about how tortured it is to be alive. poverty and becoming a good artist are not synonymous. i don’t know why i romanticised that it could be, as a teenager. i undermined the personal fortitude required to cope with this particular texture of carpet, not only to cope but to actually love it.

as far as art goes

it’s nice and healthy to flit from project to project – I don’t know that many motivational teachers will encourage you to divert your attention the way that I do, but Abraham Hicks says that time is not linear and that you don’t really wake up on a time line that syncopates with your legal-birth-date. and not only that, the when you focus time to different projects, when you return to them you have a different perspective to apply to the method

I’m in bed on a late Tuesday morning and I’m playing with an illustration in my Brighton Sketchbook on Photoshop.

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I’m prepping it for print, so these kinds of colours. I like the idea of this style for a chapter in my graphic novel.

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All of my ambitions are things that take people many, many years to achieve.

I was thinking about thirtine and this animal form while i photoshopped. Which makes it a co-creation.

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I was listening to an Esther Hicks video – I always learn something new from listening to the same stuff. I like to notice new things about my favourite stuff.

[Edited Wednesday 8th May 2019: to add: the children’s book “The Rainbow Fish”  must’ve inspired this too. I’ve only ever seen it on bookshelves. Apparently it was written by a person called Marcus Pfister. I don’t own a copy.]

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[ref]

I occasionally have moments in which things sort of just sit with me and resonate and this morning it was that we are floating on a stream. The guys in System of a Down said something similar about waterfalls. It’s like – when you play 2D games and you sometimes want to go back and do something – to fix something, like not-bipping your head on the question mark with an extra life in it cos you’ll really need that extra life on your next level. A lot of sega games wouldn’t let you run backwards. The idea of open world exploration is probably, to the thought forms that explore those dimensions, insane.