narrate the date in the past tense as it occurs (to yourself) (in your head) (funnier for him to watch later) (technically it is the foundation for ‘obsessive compulsive thought patterns’ but the potential for one time speed run neural development has such fantastic long term benefits)

“he is staring at my arm hair”

“he hath HD zoomed in on a hair i could discreetly remove with the tweezers in my bag. he hath begun to cruelly, relentlessly and unforgivingly telepathically neg my arm hair, only to stop himself – to observe some of my most traumatic memories, to avoid stirring erectile arousal perhaps”

“correct your sentences”

“he had begun to telepathically”

“??? no ???”

“it took me years to come to terms with that arm hair so i can tell already how this relationship is going to go. i’m not going to go home right now, im not even drunk. i wonder fi he’s roofied me. he had the shadow of a glistening erection forming at a cute bubble beside his sad flies. im gonna pretend he’s as hot as my favourite cartoon character and try to get pregnant (because I am never agreeing to meet or see him again. he’s paying for the food now. why do i feel guilty that he’s just paid £10 for this hamburger)

otherwise this evenge means nothing”

#datingadvice

Here are some phone photos to tell you all what I’ve been upto. I’m not bothering much with instagram. It isn’t worth it for me.

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.this is hilarious. I refuse to allow this country to compensate me without telling the truth, though. I won’t accept compensation and shut up money from the lottery. By the way WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE LOTTERY?

The Lottery” is a short story written by Shirley Jackson, first published in the June 26, 1948 issue of The New Yorker.[1] It has been described as “one of the most famous short stories in the history of American literature“.[2]

The story describes a fictional small town in contemporary America which observes an annual rite known as “the lottery”. The purpose of the lottery is to choose a human sacrificial victim to be stoned to death to ensure the community’s continued well being.”

I don’t know much either, but I heard about the story – referenced in an episode of the Simpsons. I don’t want to read the book because I’m lazy but also because I’ve lived enough pain to not want to project my life onto a story like that.

.I found a local abandoned pub, there was a bottle of alcohol on the table and my inner teenager picked it up – it had some alcohol left in it. I drank it and I danced around by myself.

.I found a bag on a table outside the pub and it had all these cute props in. The faux (honestly – not the consistency of blood at all – a cute sugar syrup thing) blood packs were SO MILITARY CHIC. I didn’t take them, although I’d of liked to for a photoshoot I’ve been planning. It’d of been stealing. (I want to make ‘TEMPLAR LOLITAS” a thing)

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I’m into this look. It’s anime. The crotch stuff.

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I paid a woman – who has a shop, where she sells ‘hand made clothes’ – I saw the quality of ‘her work’ – and she really thought it was okay to do this shit to my jacket. Seventy pounds for this shit. It’s surgical stitches for me, from now on, for all of my stuff. Fuck you. I didn’t say how pissed off I was before – I was pissed off. Its inexcusable. I keep being robbed by people in Brighton. Independent shop keepers, bankers. “do you have any idea what I’ve done for this country” I think at the back of my head.

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.you can’t see it here, but I have TREMENDOUSLY hairy legs. I went to the beach and took off my stuff and walked through the sea recently. I’m not one of those tacky hippies that doesn’t shave or remove their body hair, I just have no reason to remove it right now. I’m concerned that if I remove my body hair it will indicate that I’m doing it because I’m attracted to someone and that’s disturbing because when I’m trying to attract someone, sometimes other people think I am trying to get them instead or something (my attractions are specific and personal and if you don’t have the guts to hang out with me – or you dont want to hang out with me cos I have ‘hairy legs’ or I am wearing an outfit you don’t like – remember it for the rest of your life)

.i need waterproof earphones. NEED. and goggles.


I wish I could copy and paste the notes I just made on my phone, but my BT internet is so shitty that my phone can’t connect to it. I have some spiders residing on my balcony that I am VERY attached to. I’ve been meditating with them about becoming huge. (One sec, I uploaded:)

Like:

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I meditated with Jane of Seth Speaks recently – I swear upon my life, my bed was shaking. I was still and my bed was shaking. I asked to learn to levitate. I didn’t levitate. But yeah – my bed was shaking.

It’s been a few days since I last wrote to myself so here I am, self. Writing to you, self. In the meditation I was asked by Jane not to do any art for two weeks – so I’m uploading some art from weeks past that I thought I’d uploaded but apparently hadn’t.

This is a photograph of a shelf sitting on the ledge of my window sill, I’ve put some plants in it.

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Awhile ago I bought some slate coasters from Amazon – like a really long time ago now. I wrapped one of the coasters in a bathroom mat (they have sticky undersides – the good ones) and smashed it with a hammer. Then I started applying the bits like a mosaic to this shelf. I BUILT THIS SHELF! With help. A lot of help. But I built this shelf. (Actually a guy called Adam who helped my mother do her house up let me use some left over wood and let me borrow his screw driver.)

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I am excited about how this might look when it’s finished. Years ago I visited a woman’s house in Paraguay and she had a whole wall made of stones. That’s never left my mind.

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This is a photograph of my little kitchenette. That is the worst hoover anyone has ever used in their life, amongst the top ten worst hoovers. It is a mostly ornamental and decorative hoover, that adds colour to my life.

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This is a tea thingy. You’re meant to put tea in it. I took some mint from one of my tescos plants (THEY ARE TWO POUNDS!!) Oh, no, I just checked. TESCOS SELL MINT PLANTS FOR ONE POUND.

They are definitely indoor plants, these potted mints. I’ve tried keeping them outside and it is too hot for them. That is: I’ve noticed that when I put my plant friends outside, they almost die – even the ones the florists say are “meant to be placed outdoors”. What happens is – they almost die – and then they acclimate.

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So this is a tea strainer with some mint that I handpicked and put in hotwater with honey. No matter how much fun it is to be a person that does that – it’s not my thing. I am a water person. I drink water and elderflower cordial. Sometimes. And hot chocolate. I’m not a tea person, I will never ever be a tea person. I like coffee with two spoonfuls of butter. Try it. (I don’t drink it often, but it actually tastes much better than you’d think.)

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I know they say “don’t mix meats” but if you have a non-salty meat like this prosciutto and a salty chicken, and some potato, and some lemon drenched salad – you’ll be surprised at how much you don’t care about what “they say”.

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The NHS told a relative of mine that a portion is technically this much food. So If you eat a portion of pasta – this is the correct amount. This is what we need to be healthy, this much. If you think I am a person who can live on portions like this you are on crack. But my plate was pretty this day. I’ve not been cooking much, I’m having a lot of sensitivity to the sun here – Brighton is having a fantastic summer – but with a history of migraines and some mild vampirism I can honestly say that both myself and a relative of mine that I “vampired” in a “psychosis” (lets pretend, for the lols, that that is wat that was) can’t do ‘sunlight’. The doctors have told her she has lupus and she will believe anything she’s told by anyone that isn’t me, the only person who has ever told her the truth – in her entire life.

This is my hand. I was concerned (this is something that happens when you are abused by the NHS btw, as I was.) that people would think I had self harmed. I um. I do not self harm at all. And this would be a bitch of a place to self harm.

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If I had the time and date settings on my camera and you saw how fast I healed you’d be as weirded out as I was but I’m so lazy about documenting stuff like that. One day I’ll do it for the theatre and film it. When I’m getting paid for my documentary habits.

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I recently dressed up like this to check if (a very, very, very large sum of) money had been put into my bank account, as compensation from the United Kingdom for their human rights abuses against me. And my family. For three generations. I can’t tell you how many of my family’s friends (not mine, I don’t do friends – my FAMILY’S friends) are waiting for an apology. The money hasn’t been deposited – yet. Weird.

I was so sensitive to the heat from the sun I walked into the supermarket and projectile vomited on the day I made this video.

I also went to a poorly and disrespectfully kept World War Two Monument. An obnoxious woman convincing herself of being a patriot shouted “THATS A WAR MEMORIAL”. The water was so filthy – I shit you not – that my toenail went green, and started coming off – I had to rip it off.

We have birds that swim in that water. They’re british, if that makes a difference to yobs like that woman – ruining what is technically a really important moment for anyone that knows anything about this country’s military history. (I know more about this country’s military history than most British people – to the point that I remain until this day affected by a single stanza that I heard when I visited Berlin on a school trip.)

BLIND MEN, LOOK UP.

 

It was filthy. I waded around in it trying to be a sexy pin up for one of our boyz. It was a really proud moment. I’ll explain: A gentleman was, I think, wearing something to indicate he had fought in that war – he was sitting in a wheelchair by that memorial.

I asked if he’d film me in the water and he stood up off that wheelchair and filmed me.  He might’ve been an actor – people do orchestrate strange things like that – but I hope with all of my heart that he wasn’t.

War pinups – I promise – are my thing. I keep trying to upload the video but it’s a struggle to do so. Weird.

It’s actually a deeply important video but maybe I’ll save the footage for something special. Right now – Brighton – your war memorial is fucking gross.

.I had a poppy flower. If you knew about the Second World War, you’d know that poppies littered the graves of British, Polish and German men alike. Some of our boyz were buried over there. I remember because we went around looking for the graves of our teachers relatives. We found some.

 

Some of the soldiers that fought in WW2 died what would’ve been referred to as ‘dishonourable deaths’ – as in they either ran off to be called “deserters”, killed themselves, or hurt themselves so much that they couldn’t fight anymore. They were considered cowards. The human mind is very easily traumatised and a lot of those boys were aged around sixteen to eighteen. There were boys who lied about their ages so that they could go to war – often compelled by the idea of winning the affections of a woman.

This film came out back when I was doing the nude girl internet thing (I’ll bring it back, read below) and it is one of my favourite films. I encourage you to watch.

.If you have ever had PTSD – you’d know that you-don’t-know-you-have-it until you DON’T have it anymore. Like some people might’ve reacted to that trauma with ‘shellshock’, and run screaming onto battle fields – but there’d of been some people who went completely numb and blank and their responses to anything – absolutely fucking destroyed. They become like zombies.

“You” do not know how to treat PTSD unless you have HAD PTSD. You can’t live with people who have PTSD. They’re monsters. I’d know.

Anyone that tries to tell you that they can ‘help’ ‘treat’ your PTSD without having had it is full of shit.
That means you cannot – CANNOT – just diagnose someone with PTSD. You don’t know if a person has PTSD or not until they do not have it anymore. Thats it.

This is so poorly authored, an almost offensive attempt at explaining PTSD – that it’s perhaps offensive to include it in a post that offers any mention of WW2 and the people who were robbed of validation that their service and selflessness to what they believed was a good cause to humanity. (I struggle to believe the British cared about the holocaust. I don’t really know why they bothered getting involved, but they did. I think actually that any remaining service men must be pretty fucking furious, actually.)

There were also many horse memorials ❤ you don’t often consider how many animals have died in service.

I have investigated enough: Hitler is my comrade, and an innocent – whose motivation was to defend his country against the terrifying reparations we expected them to pay, that left them poor and defenceless. Mein Kampf was edited by his brothers.

I am perhaps the only person, in history, who has been lied about more than he.

The World watched the holocaust and the Jews paid to have their home back. If you challenge this judgement you will embarrass yourself doing so. I paid for what I learned to find the truth.

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T IS FOR TEMPLAR

they worship women

and the ownership of a vagina, does not a woman make


 

If you enjoy a nude of me, if you enjoy a thing I’ve written – that is really nice.

It’s still not “for you”

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I’m not ‘secretly’ into you – if I am into you – I promise you – I’ll let you know. (And the second I do so, millions of people will suddenly confess interest in you – and you will prefer them to me. I’m not your type.)

I don’t care how much you think you look like Alfie Deyes/Ash Stymest/Davey Havok or this guy – YOU ARE NOT THEM

(ALL OF WHICH ARE AMERICAN DREAMS. #CELEBCRUSHES. THINGS TO FANCY TO PASS THE TIME.)

I’m into PERSONALITIES. This is a portrait of a monk who was burned alive.

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If I consider myself a babysitter of yours, or ever have – I probably don’t – but if I ever have – please don’t think I’m sexually interested in you. I’m not. But when you grow up I will set you up with unimaginably hot babes. Babes that are much hotter than me, that you can get revenge on me with. For example: as a teenager I watched “the pursuit of happyness” with an ex boyfriend who is – definitely – a sociopath when he’s in a bad mood. If Jaden Smith EVER expressed any kind of interest in me, I’d die in a not-nice way. I’d be destroyed by that. If I could choose a girlfriend for him it’d be Frances Bean. Thats it.

If you think I should be into you – don’t stalk me, write to me. I am SO easy to get in touch with. If you are unable to get in touch, uh, I have an instagram. Leave a comment or something. Leave a billion. Thats what I’d do if I wanted to make sure someone knew I wanted their attention.

Unless you know I’m not interested. Do not make me create a list of men I wouldn’t accept money to date/hang out with. Please.


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I live in agony of every imaginable kind. You’re welcome.

If I had written this as a letter to myself I’d put ‘p.t.o’ (pronounced puh-toe)

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.I fucking laughed
stop forcing women into sexual slavery, domestic slavery etc – if a woman kills her kids they’re either not hers or she’s being mind controlled. Or it’s fake news. I don’t care. If I had kids I’d find the cutest, most kawaii magnet and attach this to my fridge and call my kids in and ask them to read it and say “YOU HAVE BEEN DULY WARNED.”

and if they were really my kids they’d get to the bit of “got in the way of her life, which included offering to sell sex” and they’d be like THATS EXACTLY HOW WE FEEL ABOUT YOU KARINA. THATS EXACTLY HOW WE FEEL ABOUT YOU. (I’d be like “do what you want, but when you see a kid walking into Perfect Fried Chicken, that looks exactly like you, wearing shoes like this – UNIRONICALLY –

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YOU’LL LEARN THAT YOU CARRY UNTOLD CAPACITIES FOR PAIN. Which would’ve been what I was protecting YOU from. (you could’ve paid a bit more actually)

(I have been taking adult man’s sized shits since I was at least two.) (my family are so clevers that they didn’t think I might have a VERY SERIOUS disability – well I spoke to a pharmacist who very kindly said that shitting once every two to three weeks is ABNORMAL.) (Fortunately that disability means I can do a lot of awesome stuff and if I like you, you can do it when we hang out.)

.IF I HAVE EVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU – IF I HAVE EVER HAD PHYSICAL SEX WITH YOU – I’M NOT INTERESTED. NOT EVEN FOR MONEY. UNLESS ITS MONEY YOU ALREADY OWE ME. GET IN TOUCH AND ILL SEND MY BANK DETAILS.

.for example: luke’s dad stole a lighter from me – it was worth about five grand. he told me it was “fake”. (He got my original one valued and returned a fake.) fuck kent

.There was this moment in my flat, in a University town – where I’d found some strange enlightenment – and also learned I was technically royalty to Israel. Luke walked in and was like “what are you doing?” – I was painting the history of the world on some ikea thingy. I said “I’m ROYALTY LUKE” – you’d of had a “breakdown” of sorts upon that realisation at the same time as having recently had a terrifying miscarriage. He was like “so?”

YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL LUKE DO YOU. Also I’m into bald guys but I’m not into you. I’d rather fuck a guy that wears shoes like this

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photo credit: Eyal (do you really want credit for this one?)

not really though, ew – you’re both ew

this is a good example of what my shadow self is like. thats why i am “single” unless the Angel Lucifer, HH or Zamasu decide to show up

OR trunx, or Levi

I was always this way which is probably why no one bothered telling me

This is a painful thing to write. Like really. The idea that guys need to have it mansplained: “dis naked film is no real. dese girls no really enjoy dat sex. dis is performance. dis no real. like wrestling – dis no real. dis is ACTING. in the uk we like actors – that is one of the only things we have that makes this country NOT ENTIRELY FUCKING SHIT. girls are afraid to become actors because of creepy british men that don’t know how to control their imaginations or libidos.”

Our “queen” looks like my ass – but like – drained the fuck out of with trenchfoot. Can you get trench foot on your ass? Cos if *I* could, the queens face would be how it looked. I know already.

Her kids, their kids and their inbred fucking cousins with egos that engulf their penises  or otherwise fill up their borderline personality fucking gaping vaginas and make them think that they’re relevant unless I make them so. They’re not.They’re badly dressed. Badly made up. Looking to either their aunts or their mothers or celebrities for style tips. These aren’t hot British girls. So the “wealthy” have to scout around poor people cos they’re desperate for genuine relationships and girls who ‘do hot’ without looking like hideously boring carbon copies of one another in matchy matchy.

DW – IM DOING IT. LETS GIVE THE BRITISH UPPER CLASSES THEIR ATTENTION COS APPARENTLY THEY REALLY DESERVE IT. Here is how we feel about you – I mean the universal we. People that worked for their cash, people that worked to live up to their own name etc – not people that were shat out by someone who considered themselves aristocracy but don’t know what it actually means.

do you know – a lot of girls DONT do porn because there are SPECIFIC people they dont want watching it? it’s not like “my boyfriend/crush might get jelly” it’s like “the idea of that person bashing their dick to my body makes me want to projectile vomit. which sucks cos id be good at that job”

Name a hot, naked, BRITISH girl that isn’t trying to be me-ten-years-ago. After being bullied my whole life that was my revenge – that I finally had a group of friends that were mine and that was fucked up. I stopped being internet famz (all of my “fans” were cheap lurkers that never ‘followed’ me or ‘friended’ me – actually people generally just pretended I didn’t exist.) and I did the humble university girl thing. Apparently the entire alumni ended up being my stalkers.
I finally got my moment – and you know I did – and I DONT mean that vice shit – and you all had to ruin it. You were so jealous you had me sectioned so I wouldn’t find out that you’d been using me to have sex with Luke.

Years after a load of messed up fucking shit – in which I had to turn fucking humanitarian being tortured by a country because I was a bigger deal than their royal family. We’ve got Zoella – thats our british girl – (hows her channel doing?) who I’ve seen one hot selfie of – and she used one of my angles (as a photographer – as in – as a person who studied photography seriously – there’s no way you can pretend you came up with those angles. Girls didn’t do those angles before – which means you were stalking me too zoe – and I’m not gonna forget about what you’ve done.

As someone who has done the fame thing – I mean I was a big deal but I had nothing to show for it – your drop is gonna hurt.

Lets go with that photography/angle thing though. You think it’s funny but it isn’t – this was the kind of thing I could write thousands upon thousands of words about. How does a composition infiltrate our consciousness?

I used to hold up a HEAVY FUCKING CAMERA (a man’s camera – with a man’s lens. bigger than the one I have now.) with ONE HAND and MODEL at the same time. These were not things normal girls could do – that was a heavy camera. Girls were using tripods and both hands to hold their DSLRS. THOSE ARE MY ANGLES BECAUSE I HAD TO BE FUCKING STRONG TO HOLD A CAMERA AT THAT ANGLE.

(I developed the strength cos this guy called Tom told my mother to punish me by putting me in a corner with my arms in the air. She’d do so for hours because she’d fall asleep while I stood with my face in a wall. It was a sometimes daily punishment that taught me not to talk to my mother. “the corner.”) (I recovered – learning that in Uganda the kids have to do headstands if they piss their teachers off.)

No one wanted to take nice photographs of me though – so I know my angles.

I can look at a photograph and I know who inspired the composition – that is how limited the internet is. Ask one of your favourite internet photographers who their favourite photographers are – go on. It doesn’t matter what names they give you – they won’t know the names. By sixteen I deserved to have my work featured in art galleries – I was photographing adult women at sixteen or so. They wouldn’t use me because realistically – it bothers people that I’m “Arab” – how the fuck would they of let someone with my genes in this country become a thespian that studied at Rada and made Shakespeare good?

Everyone picks up a camera and gets the settings perfect and is an instantly made photographer. Sad men invest in magazines like Front (it’s done – cos they didn’t feature me. They know it, I know it – I rinsed the fuck out of their photographers ‘tom barnes’ – who stole my photographing style. DOES IT BURN? EVERYONE KNOWS IT.)

I wanted to work for Front magazine – before I got angry. I was so eager to be a photoshopper so that I could use my earnings to buy land in Africa. I wanted to buy a cooperative with the money I earned being a photoshopper. They knew that and they didn’t hire me but as far as this country goes – I was the best. WAS. I don’t know who would have the audacity to seriously pretend that they could work in this industry, in this country, without me.

The ‘Kylie’ look, the duck pout – that was mine. I was taken the piss for it but I didn’t mind too much because I looked hot doing it and the only person I wanted to convince I could be hot was me. I wanted to photograph other people.

You know how ‘wavey’ hair is really in?

this is what inspired wavey hair:

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This was not how women used to do their hair. If you want proof – look at photos of women taken before 2012. I took this photograph at seventeen. Not a big deal to you cos I made it seem like everyone could be a photographer. The idea that I could be talented was that hilarious to people, actually.

So as far as sex goes – my opinion matters. As in your perception of sex is skewed and someone HAS to fix it.

Men have damaged women – over the last ten years – beyond your imagining: because we don’t really explain how fucked up we are over this – convincing themselves that porn stars marketed as ‘the girl next door’ could really have considered them romantically.

Believe it or not – your favourite naked for cash girl isn’t into you. Once upon a time naked internet girls were normal human beings that did some equivalent of playboy and made friends with all of the people that used the sites they posed on. They’d do meet ups where they’d wear normal girl tshirts and jeans – these were girls that the world obsessed over that were photographed on poorly lit sets

They all got stalked, raped in homes that were arranged for them, made so insecure that they had to delete all of the incredible art that they and the artist friends they’d made put so much effort into creating. We all disappeared. We later learned that these men were so fucking stupid that they really thought we were INTO IT.

Footballers started making women think that they had to wear heels and ‘sexy outfits’ cos thats what their dads were into but none of them could get a woman into those outfits without making her feel hella fucking insecure – thats not the kind of sex you should be having. Stop copying porn stars. Stop deciding what you think sexy is – men have no idea of what sexy is. Stop attempting to pretend otherwise.

This is Apnea – she’s studying physics. She’s an original naked girl blogger. As in she was considered a model in a time when we weren’t really acknowledged by the media for what we were. But she’s doing physics at university. This makes her more intelligent than most of the human beings – this makes her an ‘academic’ – she’s still a ‘naked girl’. Still a human being of sorts. For awhile: these internet girls were self made super models who had more fans than women like naomi campbell and kate moss etc.

You can’t enjoy it for what it is – no porn star will have that sex with you in real life if you are not paying. It isn’t fun, it’s a performance – thats why I want to make a porn site. So people can learn to sexualise more than a naked woman bouncing up and down on a guys penis.

Porn stars and naked girls are normal human beings that don’t want to be sexualised by EVERYONE and they don’t EVER date the people that DO sexualise them. It’s CREEPY. Not necessarily because they don’t want to – but because those people are generally conditioned to believe that their porn star crush should walk around like a hairless prepubescent, posturing as if she’s REALLY offering for you to penetrate her with your mediocre fucking tiny baby dick

Thats why celebrities don’t date “fans” – it’s creepy. I am a Ralph Fiennes fan – like I am an actual fan of his. He’s amongst my many favourite actors. If he hit on me (why would he) but if he did – I’d die. I’d be like. HOLY SHIT HE HIT ON ME.

I fancy him more because of how he portrays characters – because he is legitimately talented. He’s a serious classical thespian. He’s the kind of person you give serious roles to – roles that invite people to consider the underlying nature of very specific kinds of personalities. It doesn’t matter why I fancy him though. I wouldn’t date him – even if i had been given the opportunity to.

As a spiritual person I’ll explain the creepiness of this:

Relationships affect the entire Planet. Every genuine relationship on this Planet really does contribute to everyone else’s emotional landscape. You experience life changing transformations in relationships that actually bring to question EVERYTHING about who you are as a person.

Aside from the disillusion inevitable – because Ralph Fiennes in real life is not necessarily Voldemort in real life (certainly doesn’t dress like him in real life) – as a vibrant human being with a personality of his own and struggles and pains and whatever else it is that structures a person’s being – the last thing a man like that needs is a person who thinks the sun shines out of his ass.

He needs a person who pushes him to do more with his life. As we all do. Someone who can help him analyse the fuck out of his work and I would rather not attempt to pretend to be that person – and generally you should regard other human beings in the same way. It’s unlikely a person can grow from your company, occasionally it happens – and that is magical.

I would never seek out Ralph Fiennes, even if I had the contacts or the financial means to do so. It’s CREEPY. Imagine if he later realised that I’d taken time to create a situation through which we met?

Sadly the naked internet girls were never considered that they could be celebrities, even if they were recognised. It is sad because they weren’t paid what they should’ve been paid. It is sad because if they’d of known who they were, and what they were entitled to financially for those appearances and that kind of work, they’d of been able to invest in protecting themselves.

They weren’t the kind of girls who needed to have lots of body guards around them incognito because frankly they were the kind of girls who could throw a punch. It takes guts to get naked for strangers you know. It takes guts to throw/take a punch too. (I’m the kind of person that can be beaten up by about twenty people at once, get up and walk on.)

But yeah: thats why you see porn stars/instagram models etc dating mediocre looking guys – because somehow those guys managed to keep it chill and not creepy.

So sometimes you THINK of someone watching something you’ve appeared naked in and you actually FEEL repulsion. You are amongst the last people on this planet i’d of invited to sexualise me – even for cash.

Like literally – the idea of certain people watching me physically repulsed me. I had to find alternate names and things like that – but that doesn’t really change the reality of anything.

I am reluctant to make a british porn site because I don’t want the royale princies to use it/use other people to use it. Fucked right?

They are the antipoon-bonerkills

Like prophylactics – I’m allergic to the mere thought

Imagine worse – “the uk doesn’t want you to make a porn site because the uk doesnt want those guys seeing/sexualising british women, even though we acknowledge that your intentions are deeply positive for young people – it’s a risk because they are irresponsible. We can’t ensure that people who appear in that kind of media won’t be stalked BY THE PRINCES AND THEIR WEIRD FRIENDS and we are not prepared for what happened to you – because of them – to happen to anyone else. It’s a shame because it would’ve been a lot of fun to have a British adult industry.”

 

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This is an image from a show called Xavier Renegade Angel

One time my teacher Lisa said to me “if you kill yourself in this life, itll be three times worse the next time round” and so one time, when I was living in Surrey and I could smell a weird gas in the air and I had to sleep and then I woke up certain that I’d been raped – obviously it was terrifying – (good for you if thats the result you wanted – everyone knows who did it and they’re pretending they don’t.) – I wrote about this before – I actually sold my soul so that I could have revenge. Sort of.

I gave my body up to the angel Lucifer specifically for revenge and that was before I realised I’m royalty to Israel. I don’t want to be royalty to Israel but they don’t have a better person for the job. They probably wish that they did but jewish men aren’t actually very clever.

I’d love the gift of being able to choose exactly and precisely what people’s bodies would look like. So I could pick bodies for all my old “friends”

The truth is that I would use the gift for evil

but I feel like I paid to do so. I paid to be the worst version of me.

i used to experience happiness when i saw the colours red and blue

i dont anymore

i used to experience happiness when i found the number seven

i dont anymore

it was autistic but it was a result of not being happy ever

(you wouldnt of known cos i perform happiness around others, otherwise why hang out with others)


 

now i just noticed that the most views ive got is

Screen Shot 2019-06-26 at 11.35.38

-_-

and because you need me to mansplain

views arent a self esteem thing

this is genuinely upsetting to me.

i’m not interested in you. take it personally.
if i am interested in you, you have no interest in me. again – this has no impact on my self esteem.

i’ve had such a shit time that i prefer it like that

“you are the kind of guy that makes women want to wear a burqa

do you know why women wont walk around naked in front of guys? or in their flat etc? apart from the fact that the british don’t really understand how to window buildings so that they are properly lit, it’s generally because the idea of a person sexualising that kind of nudity makes that person look a bit pathetic

like, don’t be the kind of guy that queues of women would roll their eyes at cos he would start wanking in the tattoo queue at the concentration camp

you know when you meet a guy and you can tell he has fantasies about women ‘walking around naked’ and you later realise that they’ve never seen a consenting woman-theyve-just-had-sex-with walk around naked because they’ve literally no idea how women’s bodies move?

the kind of guy that actually makes you feel uncomfortable to even remove your jeans – like he’ll kind of stare at you doing it and you feel it and you just want him or you or both to fucking die

I’m going to help: if you are the kind of person that needs to SUGGEST people get naked – THERES A REASON THEYRE NOT GETTING NAKED AROUND YOU. if you exude a vibration of wishing that you were oversexed you will repel even the sluttiest women.

the chances of a human being (you) being attractive enough and chill enough for women (who aren’t desperate to prove they are one of those ‘free spirits’) to GENUINELY not give a fuck if you see them naked are – not minimal – i think a more appropriate word exists –

one sec

microscopic?

um

amoebic?

if a woman wont walk around in pants and a tshirt with you – it’s not because they are a prude, I mean it could potentially be because they’re a prude but it is more likely because: “the idea of you seeing me naked and thinking that your seeing me being naked is any kind of invitation for you to look at me being makes me catatonically depressed”

or “i hate the idea and the feeling of your gaze is so palpable that it makes me resent that I have a body.

and .. sometimes

the guy will like compliment you? and you’ll work out it’s cos he’s trying to boost your self esteem (the worst is when they’re rlly famouz and they’re convinced that their being famuz and aware that you exist is an extended favour to you.)

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF THE STUFF THAT CREATES THE FABRIC OF MY SELF ESTEEM?

the thing about men who make fun of women who aren’t the sort to sit on you and bounce up and down and pretend thats how you get an orgasm was that they had a lot to say about how they thought women should be having sex and that really damaged me too because i know most women lie about being able to orgasm, i can tell that they’ve seen me have one and they copy.

i had to learn that to cope with what had been said to me, which damaged me too actually. and that made me want to have sex less too! actually

sex makes me want to vomit and it’s not sex – its the idea of having sex with another human being – and its not that humans fault

its that i am so aware of people that i dont find attractive – merely existing –

that their existing also makes me not want to have sex.

so really any sexuality i have is just rage and thats not love at all. so i shouldnt be having sex because im a spiritual person and thats not an energy you should pass on to anyone. its selfish.

i don’t go out looking for boys to have fun with because i live in a country where there are about ten attractive people in any given town at a time. i don’t need compliments, likes, comments, or friends – thats why i don’t have any. i could pay for them. no one would know. and i don’t. that is the kind of thing that would actually DESTROY my self esteem.

i actually don’t like to have a lot of sex because i think it is something you do when you are in love and when/if you want to have kids. i absolutely do not want to have kids. you should only think about having kids when you are vibrating positively and not thinking about how many ugly people there are in the world that plastic surgery cant save (if you are autistic: i mean people who are ugly on the inside. i am good at being able to tell.)

i don’t walk around naked because i really like clothes and for some strange reason i’ve looked like i’ve been pregnant/given birth about four or five times (havent)

(i know thats meant to be self deprecating but i’m okay with it)

no matter what your favourite films or relatives or friends told you – NO woman is lying on their bed looking like a prepubescent child/hairless sphynx waiting for some handsome prince to hop in and make them feel frisky. actually the mere idea of it is just repugnant.

some women spend a lot of time in bed because they need to take a shit. did you know? i’d PREFER to spend a week trying to take a shit than let you think i find you attractive enough to perform that

lets pretend that i am a prostitute – i’m not

but lets pretend that i was charging you for my services

it’d be £7.77 a minute just to chat. that is – just to sit and chat somewhere.

there’d be a sign with a picture of someone relatively good looking above my door or perhaps beside it and it would say “you must be at least this attractive to initiate eye contact or thought contact” and the alien from Abes Oddysee would collect the money and give most of it to a school or something and then he’d chant and occupy and blow people up if they pissed me off

if you aren’t balding so-you-can-look-more-like-your-dad or ginger so-you-can-look-more-like-your-dad and you are one of these kinds of “mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm girls with Brazilian waxes walking around naked doing arabesques and making me feel like they actually find me attractive”

guys i’d like to charge you – personally – 10000000000000000000000000000000000 yen just to like

stand within a meter of me in real life

but that wouldnt be enough to compensate me for how fucking upsetting sharing a planet with people like you is

is the truth


 

further help yet: from someone who was taking photos of naked 25+ year olds that would pop over to my ma’s little house in little old ealing and get naked at about sixteen years old

people are gonna get really hot soon so if you’re one of those people, the idea of you evolving out of it is probably.. zero? so .. go to hell

you aren’t wanted here

coming from someone who can literally probably actually fall in love with a flower


 

letters to people

if you sexualise making a monster of a kind person

it’ll be the way they kill you

that is a poor motivation and that is your only motivation for anything

the sensation it affords your pelvis

do you see the damage you did, helping men get women they weren’t ready for

yes

rejection is important in evolution

well they take out their rejection on me

it is why you reject them

“youre just looking to have sex” code for

  • you don’t know how to talk
  • i dont think id enjoy your company enough for me to genuinely want to have sex with you
  • it’ll be weird
  • you make me feel like a walking vagina, cos i know youre not interested in whatever it is that makes me feel like someone that could actually be attractive to someone

like there are things that make me feel attractive

and you aren’t interested in any of that

i dont want to verbalise this to anyone

when people make me think they just want sex they make me feel unattractive cos im not a sexual person and i dont express love in that way

people who feel insecure dont have good sex

its the least loving thing i can do – have sex with someone

yes because its a selfish act

im not interested in anyone else when i have sex

“you creep me out”

“you aren’t trustworthy”

“i can tell you like really weird sex and its rare id consent to that – because its against my principles – especially the idea of causing or inflicting genuine pain on another human being – youre attractive enough for me to not hate myself for that

but i dont trust you

if i have sex with someone i dont trust

i know it won’t go well because its all ive ever done

and i know i teach kids to do it too – and its wrong and selfish of me to do that with someone i dont trust

i will make you think what youre doing is okay, which means i will encourage you subconsciously to continue

and later be responsible if you do it to other women who aren’t – as i am, quite amused by my flaws

i know that sounds prudish but im not a prude at all. i just dont trust you to be able to get to that place with you

if you neg a person you know is insecure theyre never going to enjoy sex with you. do you have any idea how many people ive had sex with that couldnt even say “i like you” or “you’re beautiful” and actually mean it without it sending out a message that is really “i am complimenting you because if i compliment you i feel like you’ll have sex with me and thats all i want to do” not because you actually experience an attraction to me.

most people i’ve slept with, i haven’t felt were attracted to me at all.

and so i get that youd want to ‘compliment’ me cos that makes you feel bad but thats not your problem. it makes you look worse. makes me want to have sex with you even less.

you hearing ahmed and i “insult” each other?

we

were

obsessed

with

each

other

“LOOK AT DEEZ FEET. NO ONE HAS FEET LIKE DIS WHO MADE THEM”

“WHO WOULD PUT THESE HAIR FOLLICLES ON YOUR LITTLE TOE. IT IS SO RUDE.”

because

no one spoke to either of us like that before

truth + absolute pure love + funny + kill me + i love you so much

but i wouldn’t have that with you cos i cant trust you

as best as i could i knew he found me attractive, so i enjoyed the humour between us as we insulted whatever it was about us that made us less than perfect to each other when we hung out

an inability to listen when i communicate on very basic levels – ‘dont look’ ‘please turn around’ means that if i consented to having your weird sex – if i told you something wasn’t okay i don’t know that you’d listen. that is not okay – its dangerous.

if you cant have good sex lying down half asleep, you wont have good sex any other way.

etc

you dont care about my well being – thats the vibration you sent out

so if i had sex with you,

it was because i was mind controlled

i ignored how i was feeling

to convenience you

why

because i was too lazy to go home

thats all i wanted when you started trying to touch me

because you were fumbling like a child that had to stick his thing into something

it wasnt hot

if i feel insecure cos youre looking for everything that you dont like about me im not going to enjoy being naked in your company

if youre looking to compliment me to “build my self esteem”

you do the opposite

no

you dont

you look desperate

why do you compliment people

cos something about them made me happy

i dont really compliment people that often

if i dont want you to look its because if you look when i ask you not to it causes me distress

distress isn’t hot

distressed people aren’t looking to have sex, they’re looking to leave

if you look at someone when theyre looking in the mirror in a room alone,

it is the same as watching them take a shit